Chapter Twenty-One

The White Room

When I first woke up I didn't remember much. I also didn't feel any pain which surprised me since the one thing I could remember clearly was pain. Lots and lots of pain. Most of it had been coming from my left side…where… where … I knew something happened but I couldn't remember.

I knew it was big, and I should remember but I couldn't. I still had my eyes closed what ever was behind my closed eyelids was bright but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes I was still trying to remember what had happened.

I remember the pain. I definitely remember that it felt as if some had… SHOT ME!! suddenly the whole thing played back on my closed eyelids like I was watching a movie.

Only it wasn't a movie… it had really happened. Dan had shot me… than I passed out, but not before I saw the blood… or the look on Pony's face.

Ponyboy! Oh god I… any thoughts of what I had done with Pony had left my mind the second I opened my eyes.

I can't really tell you what I expected to see, the most logical answer was the hospital but well being honest I wasn't really expecting that, but what ever I had been expecting defiantly wasn't what I saw.

I was laying on what looked like white marble floor, the whole room I saw as I took it all in was made of white marble. The floor, the walls, even the tall columns stretching up to a ceiling that was so high up I couldn't see it.

As I was looking around I noticed a white fog or mist floating around on the floor beside me and as I got up I saw that I could only see three of four walls of the room. The forth one was obscured by a thick wall of the fog that was now drifting by my ankles.

As I was looking down at the mist swirling around my ankles; now covering the floor, I noticed that the mist wasn't the only thing swirling around my ankles.

There was also the skirt of the long white dress I was wearing dancing around my legs as if there was a gentle breeze playing with it even though I felt no such breeze.

"Now where in gods name did you come from," I said looking down at the dress I knew I didn't put on that morning (at least I thought it was that morning I wasn't really sure how much time had passed).

The dress was pure white with a full skirt that went to just above my ankles. The top part was simple, the straps just about fell of my shoulders but didn't cover any of my arms. In the middle there was a wide ribbon of silver white material that I could feel was tied in a bow on my back.

Now I'll admit even though I had no idea where I was or how I got this dress on I totally fell in love with the dress anyways and that is saying something for the dress since I hate dressing up in any kind of dress especially in fancy ones like this one.

Once I was done examining the mysterious dress I looked back up at the wall of fog that was in front of me and saw a figure moving towards me through it.

I was instantly on guard. I should have had my guard up the whole time I was here, after all I was in a strange place, no idea how I got here, and was wearing a dress that I knew I didn't even own let alone put on this morning.

Slowly the figure made it's way closer to me and I could see from the outline the fog was making that it was a person taller then me. Judging from the look of the hair style on the figure, the person was most likely female.

"Who's…who's there?" I called out in a shaky voice. Hey your voice would be shaky too if you had been through everything I had just gone through.

I was surprised when the figure called out, "Phoebe?!" In a voice that I would no anywhere even though I hadn't heard it in almost a year, "Phoebe!"

"Mom!!" I cried and rushed to the figure as she came out of the fog and I could see all of her wonderfully familiar features, "Mommy! I missed you."

I was so surprised and happy to see her, I didn't even bother thinking about what seeing her must have meant for me. Not for a little while anyways.

"I missed you to darling," She said stroking my hair like she use to do when I was a little girl and was upset because my ice cream cone fell over or something.

I pulled back to look into her face, memorizing her features I hadn't seen in so long. The memory was starting to fade.

Her skin looked much better then last time I had seen her she had been so pale… deathly pale.

That was when my mind caught up with my actions and I remembered exactly why I hadn't seen my mom in so long.

"Mom…" I hesitated. I didn't really want to know the answer to the question I had to ask," Mom where are we? How come I can see you…I'm not….I'm not…am I….I'm," I had to take a deep breath to dislodge the huge lump that had developed in my throat making it hard for me to talk," dead aren't I?"

I braced myself for the answer that I knew was coming, there was no way it couldn't be. I knew the next words out of her mouth were going to be,

"I'm so sorry honey," Totally confirming what I knew I already knew.

Only that's not what she said.

"Only if you want to be," She told me in that kind, knowledgeable voice parents and teachers (usually I've had a few who had that whole if you don't know what I'm telling you you're an idiot voice…I really wanted to punch those teachers) use when explaining thing to there kids, or students.

I shook my head sure I hadn't heard her right, "Only if I want to be what?"

"Dead," My mother said simply like we were discussing what to have for dinner instead of my demise.

I stared at her sure I wasn't hearing her right. There is no way that this could be happening.

"So your saying that I can choose to be dead or not?" I asked slowly just to make sure I got this right.

My mom nodded her head," Yepp sweetie, that's pretty much what I'm saying."

"I didn't really think you get a choice on these kinds of things?" I asked since it seemed like if everyone got a choice no one would die. It seemed like the obvious thing to do anyway.

" Not everyone gets a choice Phoebe only the ones like you," She told me. I think she could tell I had no idea what she was talking about since she went on," I believe the doctors are calling it a coma."

With a little wave of my mom's hand a little hole opened up in the misty floor.

I cautiously leaned forward to see into the hole and gasped. It was like watching a movie except that I t couldn't be a movie since I knew everyone there and there was no sound except for an annoying beeping noise beep … beep… beep … beep

I was going to ask what the noise was when I noticed a little machine with vibration lines going across the screen on it that a recognized from a T.V. show.

"Aren't heart beats suppose to go more often than that?" I asked my mom turning away from the hole.

My mom nodded sadly, "that's why you got everyone so worried. The doctors say you got there just in time and should be alright, but your heart beat hasn't sped up any. In fact I think it has gotten slower."

I looked back down at the scene unfolding in front of me. It was a small room with one bed in the middle of it and a bunch of machines and tubes around it. It was quite obviously a hospital room. In fact it was my hospital room.

I looked at my pale face against the starch white hospital pillow. All the tubes and machines were connected to me. I looked awful, I really did.

It was a bit disturbing looking at yourself as if it was another human being so I decided to take a look around at everyone else in the room.

I got to say I thought they had visitor limitations in hospitals but if there was obviously they were ignoring it in my room since I don't think you could fit more people in it if you tried.

All three Curtis' were there, my brother, Johnny, Steve, Two-Bit, Becca and Lana were all jammed into a room that wasn't really meant to occupy more than one or two people.

I decided to watch Lana, and, Becca talk to Soda. It was obvious after a few minutes that Soda was filling them in on what they had missed. In Lana's case, she had to be told the whole thing.

As I watch Soda talk to the two girls I saw that he seemed to stop in his story telling and look over his shoulder at where his little brother was sitting in a chair beside my bed before going on not quite as animate as he was before.

I was trying to figure out what part he was telling them when Two-Bit wandered over to the group and stopped my wondering.

In the matter of two seconds after Two-Bit came over to the group he started making kissing faces telling me exactly which part of the evening Soda was retelling.

"I think I might stay here for awhile," I announced suddenly turning away from the weird hole, portal thing.

My mom looked shocked by my sudden announcement but then again who wouldn't.

"Phoebe what are you talking about?" my mother asked wandering over to where I was sitting.

"I'm talking about how if I stay here I won't have to do any awkward taking about feelings or discuss why I didn't choose to tell people about my problems earlier on," I explained starting to regret that stupid kiss cause now I'm either going to have to talk about what I did with Pony or stay dead and being honest staying dead sounded a lot better.

"Phoebe!" My mom sounded disappointed and a little angry ,"I thought I taught you not to run away from your problems."

"You did, I ran away anyways mom," I said with a shrug.

"I thought this whole thing with Daniel had finally taught you what happens when you run instead of facing your problems up front!" Leave it to mom to bring up the lessons you were suppose to learn.

I glared at her with my arms crossed over my chest.

"I think you should take another good look into that portal missy! I'll be back after you've had time to think about your decision," She said before staking back into the fog.

I stared at the spot where she left before turning back to the portal hole thinking how after school special this all was.

I mean really decided if you want to live or die the obvious answer is live, I hadn't seriously been thinking about staying dead so I wouldn't have to talk to Ponyboy or get yelled at… had I?

I looked down at all the people who had gathered in the room, who were concerned about me why would I never want to go back to that.

I had made friends real friends for the first time in awhile I had people around me I thought I could trust. So why would I even consider staying here.

I looked down at all of them staring in concern at my limp form lying on the uncomfortable hospital bed. Now if I had been paying attention I might have pondered why exactly they were all staring at me instead of making quiet chit-chat like they had been before but of course I was to busy making my life (or death depending on how you look at it) into a fabulous after school special staring me and my problems.

They were like family to me, Dally was actually blood family. Family I repeated the word in my head. They were like family and what had I given them?

I had given them problems I know I have even if they wouldn't admit it. In the short time I'd been here what had I done, I had made Darry leave work not once but twice to come pick me up for being sick. Pony even though he doesn't know it I got his life threatened and I know all of them were probably in just as much danger even though Dan didn't name them out specifically. Becca heck I dragged Becca to hang with the people on the wrong side of the tracks… if any of the other Soc found out what Becca had been up to lately she would lose all the social status she had, no matter where she lived. If you chose to hand out with hoods, you become a hood in Soc's eyes. Not to mention if anyone found out that I was Dallas sister when I was pretending to be a Soc, not only would it have ruined my plan but it may just have managed to ruin Dal's reputation that he loves having so much.

Family… I had considered them family and didn't do anything good for them, if anything I managed to just mess things up like I've always done, maybe always will do.

One word was what I heard ringing in my head in that man's voice,

Worthless

Even being dead my dad's words still came back to me as clear as if he was sitting right beside me.

It was as this word started singing in my head like a cruel little song that another sound interrupted my little song.

It was a long never ending high pitch beep. The first thing I automatically did was snap my hands to my ears in hopes that the sound would stop but of course it wouldn't because it wasn't coming from where I was it was in my head.

My head snapped down towards the hole in the floor, all hell had broken loose in my hospital room. My brother, Johnny, Steve, Two-Bit, and Soda stood in stunned silence. Sodapop already had some tears forming in his eyes. Lana and Becca were in the corning of the room hugging each other bawling their eyes out. Pony who had been the only person unmoving and mot talking last time I had looked was on his feet yelling, it appeared at one of his brothers. I couldn't tell which one since I couldn't hear anything but that screech that I had now figured was coming from the heart rate monitor thingy, I had flat lined.

I dived to the edge of the hole screaming the whole time.

"No!! No I didn't mean it!! I don't want to die!! I didn't mean it I really didn't mean it!!" I was desperately close to the hole now… dangerously close if you ask anyone else, "Please, please it was a mistake… I don't want to die."

One of the tears that had been pouring down my face splashed onto the crystal-water like surface of the portal hole.

The screeching stopped as suddenly as it had started and it went back to the beeping. I was so relived to here the beeping I didn't even notice the change of the scene at first.

"Danny!?" I said as I looked down at the boy (he really did look like a boy sitting in that cell) sitting alone in a cell staring desperately at the wall.

I was surprise to not the tears in his eyes.

"Why!? Why did I do it," I could hear everything Dan was raving to himself," I killed her… Look at the monster I've become. Phoebe was wrong… she didn't change, I did."

"Oh Danny!" I cried as the hole in the floor closed up completely. I know I shouldn't have felt bad but well I did, I know he tried to kill me but well he felt bad. It was the streets, deep down I always knew it was going to get one of us.

"Mom!" I turned around to see her, "Mommy, I want to go back. How do I go back?"

"Why Phoebe I should think you would know how to do that your self by now," My mom told me as she came to sit beside me on the floor.

"I do?" I asked confused because I was pretty sure I had no clue how to leave. If I did I wouldn't have asked her now would I.

My mom laughed as if reading my thoughts. She reached over and ruffled my hair, "Sweetheart all you have to do is want to go home."

Home… there's no place like home I thought to myself.

"Really," I said out loud to my mom," That's really how I go home. Isn't that a little too 'Wizard of Oz'?"

My mom shrugged," It's your dream Phoebe. All you really need to realize here is family can be more than just blood," She kissed the top of my head, "I love you sweetheart, but now it really is time for you to go home, Be with your living family."

I thought about what she said, Family can be more than just blood. I repeated that over and over in my mind well clips of everything that had happened since I had come to Tulsa rolled around in my head. Family can be more than blood and I think I may just have found my non-blood family. I turned to look at where the hole in the floor had been. And I want to go back to that.

I was about to try and go when something else my mom had said came back to my mine It's your dream Phoebe.

"So this isn't really happening?" I asked at my mom's retreating back.

She stopped and turned to look at me," I never said that."

"But you said-" I was confused.

"I said it was your dream, there is a difference," my mom stated.

I looked at her trying to understand what she had just said, "So your saying dreams are real?"

My mom shook here head," Phoebe, just go home. You'll understand what I'm telling you one day. I promise," and with that my mom turned around and walked back into the fog, that was the last time I saw her in a really long time.

"Ok I got to want to go home.. Home …home," I rambled out loud then went on with the Dorothy's little chant at the end of the movie in my head, There's not place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home…

The second time I awoke, I'm proud to announce, I felt a lot of pain.