"Oh, baby, I wonder if when you are older
Someday,
You'll wake up and say, "My god, I should have told her-
What would it take?
But now here I am, and the world's gotten colder
And she's got the river down which I sold her.'"
~Aimee Mann, "4th of July"

July 1995

"Do you want to head over to the Hudson tonight for the fireworks? It might be nice to get out of the house for a little bit."

"Really?" she asked with a smirk, a hint of laughter in her voice. "You're thinking of changing up the routine? You don't want to watch it on TV and drink yourself half-drunk like we do every other year?"

Will laughed at her comment as he cleared the table; they had never bought into the traditional Fourth of July festivities that went hand in hand with the day. Grace had been coming by for breakfast more and more lately, and part of him wondered if this was an attempt to avoid Danny. Whatever had caught her attention, leaving little time for her boyfriend, seemed to have disappeared and maybe she thought he would fill the void. In any case, she seemed to slowly revert back to the woman he had come to know and love over the years, and he had to admit that he was relieved to see it.

"Well, that does sound much more appealing," he joked. He looked down at the section of the paper Grace had in her hands. She was looking at wedding announcements, something she routinely went for whenever the newspaper was readily available to her. "I never understood your fascination with those," he said as he sat back down beside her.

"I just think it's interesting to see who ended up with who, seeing where old long lost schoolmates ended up." Grace turned the page and was confronted by a picture of a newlywed couple. In any other circumstance, it wouldn't have fazed her; she would have gone through the announcement as quickly as she did with the rest of them. But her eyes were glued this time. She knew this woman; she liked to think she knew her well. She never met the man pictured beside her, but she heard enough about him to feel like she knew him. Grace read the small announcement below.

Karen Delaney and Stanley Walker were wed in a ceremony held in Central Park on Saturday. It is the third marriage for her, and the second marriage for him.

Central Park. That kiss in the rain while everyone else was finding shelter. That beautiful moment they shared together, one of their last, and she chose to pledge her life to another man there. Was it in the same spot where they lay and Karen first expressed her desire to leave him? There was an irony there that Grace acknowledge but in no way took pleasure in. She looked at the picture of Stan, finally able to put a face to the name, to the accusations, to the complaints. He looked nothing like she thought he would. But did it really matter? She could criticize him all she wanted, but it would be a waste of breath. It was over.

Karen married him, like she said she wouldn't do. She wondered if Karen felt any regret, any remorse. But she shook it off; if Karen made no move to see her, then she probably didn't think about it nearly as much as she did.

There was a smile on her face in the photograph, her eyes bright with the prospect of a long and loving future with her new husband. At any other time, Grace would have bet anything on the fact that it was completely faked for the camera; she was supposed to look happy—what bride wouldn't be beaming with joy on her wedding day?—so she put on a particularly festive mask on for the occasion. But everything she put together that built the person she thought Karen was got utterly destroyed when she walked out of the shower to find nothing but cigarettes and a haphazard note, leaving nothing but the dust of deception. For all Grace knew, she was happy with him the entire time, and just decided to play a little game for a while, leaving when it got boring.

There had to be something about Stan Walker that made Karen stay. But Grace couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was. Although, maybe she was comparing herself to Karen too much, maybe that's why she couldn't figure it out. Because after Karen left, she tried her damndest to fine something in Danny, and it was either hidden so far in the dark that she couldn't see it, or it was never there to begin with.

Either way, she was stuck with him.

It happened pretty quickly. That weekend, once she was able to calm down and clear her head a little, she went over to Danny's to ask for forgiveness, to make up for the months of time they lost. It took some time for him to get back on board, but eventually he did, and they wheeled themselves slowly along the track they had originally set for themselves. A month after Karen walked out on her, Grace's lease on her apartment was up, and Danny asked her to move in with him. She didn't know what else to do; the apartment in Chelsea reminded her too much of Karen, and she didn't want to be alone. And even though it wasn't perfect, it was enough to take her mind off of Karen, to the point where she was starting to forget.

But this, now, brought everything back. And she realized she wasn't completely over Karen.

She wondered if she ever would be.

"Gracie, what's the matter?" Will's voice jerked her back into reality and she turned her gaze towards him with a surprised look on her face. "Sweetie, you're crying, what's wrong?"

Confused, she took her fingers to her cheek, felt the remnants of tears. When did this start? She looked away from Will and stayed silent. There was no way she was going to be able to explain this one to him. Even though she's shared just about every other little detail in her life with him, she would not be able to live this one down.

"Grace?" Will asked again, his voice full of concern.

"I, uh…" she started, fumbling for the right words. "It's nothing, I just…excuse me." With that, she bolted out of her chair and raced to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She pressed her back against the door and let out a sigh, tears still streaming down her face as she realized the one fact she never wanted to be true.

She would never be rid of Karen.

Today was supposed to be a day to celebrate independence. But she was here, on this plane ready to take off for Italy, celebrating the fact that she bound herself to someone, and planned to stay for the rest of her life. There was an irony somewhere in there that Karen acknowledged, but in no way took pleasure in.

She looked away from the window towards Stan, seated beside her, her husband. God, that sounded so weird. So unnatural. It didn't feel like that the first two times she did this. Maybe she was just jaded. Or maybe this never should have happened.

She should have told Grace. Everything.

After she left, Karen couldn't help but feel the immense weight of guilt; about leaving, about how she had handled things with Stan, about everything. So she tried to make things better with Stan before the wedding, to know that they would go into this on good terms. She tried to delude herself into thinking that this was the best thing to do; some days were better than others. But there was always that lingering notion that she should have stayed.

Instead, she sold Grace down the river. And she felt like hell about it.

A couple of weeks before the wedding, Karen made her way downtown to Chelsea, found herself outside of Grace's building. She was hesitant at first, but eventually, she made her way up the stairs to Grace's door, knocked on it. If she still had the key, she would have tried to go in herself, but she left it in Grace's apartment when she made her exit. Her heart pounding, she was nervous about how Grace would receive her. Until the door opened.

And she realized that Grace no longer lived there. She realized that she completely missed her chance to make things right between them.

Karen wondered if Grace went back to Danny, if she was happy. If she ever thought about their time together. She probably didn't. For all Karen knew, she moved on as soon as she found the note and the cigarettes. So if Grace moved on, maybe it was time for her to move on as well. She certainly had every reason to; she was married now, promising to spend the rest of her life with a man she supposedly loves. There wasn't a more opportune time to forget about it all.

But it was still there, no matter how hard she tried to make it go away.

"I can't wait to show you Italy," Stan said suddenly, jerking her back into reality. She had never been there before, and Stan had never taken her. Maybe he was saving it for something special. It only made her heart hurt even more. He didn't deserve her; he deserved someone who wasn't hung up on another woman. He deserved someone who didn't spend the better part of six months complaining about his flaws and taking comfort in someone else's arms. But he was blissfully unaware, and Karen tried so hard to be the person she wanted to be for him. She really did. But here she was, with the chill of the dark and a lie on her lips. And the truth remained.

She was still in love with Grace.

And no amount of trying was ever going to rid her of this.