A/N: Thanks for joining me on this adventure. And, a very special "thank you" to Nynaeve1723 whose encouragement and kindness significantly padded the landing for my leap of faith.

No Promises

Bit by bit, Woody pieced his nerve together and held it in place with insecurity, apprehension, and regret. On his way home he stopped at the bar that once bore the name "Pogue Mahone" in order to stoke his courage. Once seated at the familiar counter, he conceded the necessity to keep his wits about him – and settled on a coffee.

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He was late coming home and she was worried. Relief began to swell within her as she heard him on the porch… his key in the lock… the soft click of the front door as he tried to close it as quietly as possible. She heard him making his way up the stairs and into their bedroom… And the proverbial floodgates broke loose inside and gratitude flowed through her as she observed him standing in silence looking down into the cradle at their peacefully sleeping son.

He didn't know she was there, watching him, until she was next to him. "Welcome home," she whispered as she reached out to touch his arm. He pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly against him and burying his face in her hair.

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Woody moved her away from the cradle, his arm firmly around her waist. When he finally spoke, his tone was low, gentle, "I understand if you feel you need space. I can move into the guest… the nursery. Bobby's so little, he can stay in here with you."

He misread the look of confusion in her face and raced on. "I know, Jordan, that I was never the man you wanted. I know that you settled… after everything. And I didn't want to examine it too closely. I was just grateful to be in your life. To finally be your husband. To be the father of your children.

I know he loved you and I know you felt you lost your… future… that night. But when I came back to Boston, I wanted to show you… that… I wanted to be your future. I hoped in time you would come to love me like you loved him. I'm sorry… I'm just so, so sorry."

She listened dumbfounded. How could everything get so messed up? She was having trouble piecing together what he was trying to tell her.

Jordan found herself standing in front of him. She reached out her hand and gently touched her fingers to his lips. "Shhhhh," she whispered, unshed tears gleaming, pooling in her eyes. "Please, shhhh." She looked up at him and he was totally disarmed.

"No." She whispered, shaking her head, her eyes never leaving his. "No," she repeated softly, and his heart sank.

He looked down at the ground, unable to meet the intensity of her gaze any longer. "You… you want me to… go?"

She lifted his chin with her fingers so that she could again look into his eyes. "No."

"No," he repeated, breathlessly. He was not prepared for the gentleness of her kiss on his lips. And even less prepared – as he opened his mouth slightly to speak – his words were muffled, lost with her tongue against his hungrily seeking unity.

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Woody moved to sit in the oversized chair they so often shared and pulled her into his lap. "You were in love with him." It was a simple statement rife with the ache of longing, confusion – but holding no reproach.

His voice startled her from her reverie and she took a long moment to consider his declaration before she answered. "No." She shook her head slightly. Sadly?

"What?" The surprised question was sincere and laden with his desire to understand. All this time – the past year… and even before that – he had assumed she had been in love with the man she had lost, and that loss was the reason for her current heartache.

In his mind, Woody rationalized, he had always been second choice. He had wondered, and then accepted, that he had been lucky enough to be there – to fill the gaps – because her first choice, the man she had been in love with, was out of the picture.

"You called him back, Jordan. You had given up on us."

"I tried," she admitted. "It was what you wanted."

"How do you figure?"

"You had Lu. You didn't want me."

"I didn't know what I wanted… much less what I needed… then. And when you found out about Lu, and you didn't get angry – I figured you didn't care. I didn't have to feel guilty about Lu – and hurting you – because you never really cared – you never got jealous.

Not like me. Not like when you were with Pollack – and it ate me up inside… seeing you with him… thinking of you with him… the jealousy."

"You told me… told him… to… knock himself out. You made it clear you didn't care."

"He told you that?" The look Woody gave her was hangdog. "I didn't mean it."

"How was I supposed to know you didn't mean it? You said you were 'getting the toxins out of your system' and it was clear you thought I was one of those toxins. And you were hardly talking to me." He winced at the hurt in her voice.

"I wanted to be free of you…" he confessed, "like you were free of me. You found it so easy to… move on… forget about me."

"It wasn't like that. I didn't move on, and I never forgot you. I did what you asked me to do."

"Why did you have to start doing that… doing what I asked you to do? You'd never done it before." He twirled a dark curl absentmindedly around his finger.

"Because… I loved you. And I thought it was important to you."

He was silent for a few moments before he responded. "I came to understand… through therapy… that I resented you for loving me so much that you wanted what was best for me – even if that meant letting me go."

Jordan nodded. "I couldn't make you love me, Woods… and I wouldn't hold you back. As difficult as it was, all I could do was keep going."

"You made it look so easy." His reply was emotionless and Woody studied her a moment before he continued. "I was confused… somehow along the way love and need and jealousy all got jumbled together… and I wanted you to prove that you loved me. I wanted you to be jealous. I wanted you to beg me to stay with you. That, I figured, would mean you truly loved me."

This time Jordan shook her head ever so slightly. "I thought you were happy… without me… I didn't have the right to stand in your way."

"Jealousy is not love." His statement was monotone.

"Therapy?" He didn't even have to look at her; he could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah, and despite my once seemingly 'self-actualized' comments – I found myself in this cosmic battle with you… much like the one you used to share with Max. I became a man who resented needing you so much."

"Ahhh. That's where the 'rebound guy' line came from."

The tiniest nod of his head was her confirmation. "Then I got involved with Lu… and I lost touch with you – my best friend… I wasn't prepared – I missed you… us… so much.

And then Pollack was murdered. I didn't even know he was back. I was so out of synch with you…"

His choice of words and his resulting sly, full-dimpled grin brought a smile to her lips.

"When you lost Pollack, the pain you felt was obvious. But you had to go through it – or be stuck forever. And you did… so bravely. The confusion frightened me – yours and mine."

"You worked so hard to clear me… after J.D.'s murder. And when I finally was able to stop running and start healing – you were there."

He noticed the falter in her voice and chose not to ignore it – reaching out, he held her hand. "One of the few things I did right. With you was the only place I ever really wanted to be."

Woody had found her, literally. Broken and scattered. And bit-by-bit he had helped her put herself and her world back together. He had saved her when she didn't think she could go on. Could feel. Didn't want to feel – anything – anymore – ever. Jordan wondered to herself if he realized that. She decided that she would have to remember to share those facts with him… someday. When the two of them were alone together and had time to work through the inevitable trauma and emotions… but not tonight.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You were there for me. You believed in me – even when I doubted myself."

"I did. And after everything settled down, and you were cleared of Pollack's murder – it was excruciating to watch you." Helplessly, hopefully… "It was obvious how much you had loved him… how much you were in love with him." His voice was barely audible.

"I was never in love with him," she confessed quietly, leaning heavily into Woody's chest. "At first I told him that if there was an attraction it was purely physical. He said physical was good. I grew to care about him… even loved him. But I was never in love with him. He was never…"

"The ring, Jordan. He bought you a ring." His voice was pleading.

She shrugged, "I found that out from you. He never… he only alluded to it in passing… as a stupid mistake. If you hadn't mentioned it… if I hadn't seen it when you were going through the contents of his desk… I wouldn't have ever known."

"But he loved you. He told you – before we left for Littleton Village."

"I've wondered about that – it was the first time… the only time J.D. ever said that to me. With you there as witness. I've wondered…"

"You weren't sure… about us… when we came back. After that night."

"Is that what you think?"

He looked at her and nodded.

"I hurt someone I cared about, a man who didn't deserve… what I had just done. And he wanted to try to slide past it… 'as long as it didn't mean anything.' But I couldn't tell him that it… that we… that you… didn't mean anything."

Jordan heard him suck in his breath, "I'm… I… didn't know."

"Well, we didn't do a lot of communicating… after."

Woody held her a little tighter against his chest and felt Jordan shake her head. "I should have, right? I should have been in love with him. Who wakes up next to a dead man they're not in love with? Covered in blood. I was covered in his blood. It would be easier – the memories – if I could say I was in love with Pollack. But I wasn't. I was never free to fall in love with him."

He couldn't help but raise his eyebrows at her words. "Then what…"

"It was you, honey. It has always been you." Her tone was teasing, but…

"The dreams, Jordan?" he questioned earnestly.

"We got pregnant," she answered imperturbably.

"What has that got to do with…?"

"Hormones, Woods. They go crazy." She made the cuckoo sign with her hand next to her head. "You missed it the first time." She smiled at him.

"But I lived through it this time... barely." She felt the soft chuckle in his chest.

"Well, dreams are one possible… ummm… side effect. And it's not like I hadn't been on an emotional roller coaster from the moment you showed up on my doorstep… the moment you came home."

He made a mental note of her choice of words – not that he had returned to Boston… but rather that he had come home.

"You had dreams during your pregnancy with Will?" he asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

He felt Jordan stiffen slightly before she nodded into his chest, "Uh-huh."

"Will you tell me about them?"

He felt her sigh more than he heard it. He also felt her snuggle closer to him before she answered. "What do you want to know?"

"Were they about…?"

"You."

"What?"

"They were about you," she repeated. "I searched for you, and searched for you – in the dreams. You were in danger. I couldn't find you."

"Oh. Jordan, I…"

She leaned away from him to look into his eyes and then pressed her lips gently to his. "I know. It's all right. It's over," she whispered against his lips.

"I couldn't find me, either. I was… lost. Then, when I finally had it all worked out, when it all became clear in my mind…"

"Therapy?" she interjected

And he continued, nodding, "And I thought I had accepted everything that had happened, I had the anger under control – I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And I knew then I just couldn't return to Boston… to you… ever. I knew you were better off without me."

Jordan sat still for a few minutes, letting the implications of Woody's confession wash over her. "What did you think those letters were, Woody? Fan mail?" She tried vainly to keep the sarcasm, incredulity, hurt from slipping into her voice.

"I thought you were trying to save me… and I didn't deserve to be saved. I didn't deserve you…

Then I stumbled upon your dad's… Max's obituary in that Internet search. That was when I opened all the letters and the emails Nigel had sent through the years. I found out about our son… about Will – and I had to ask myself – how could I return to Boston? And, more to the point and perhaps more importantly – how could I not return?"

"You came back to make sure he was all right." Jordan eyed him tauntingly. "You remembered all those houseplants I… neglected."

His chuckle was comforting. "No, Jordan. I came home because – I love you. And I needed to find out if you could love me, too… whether I deserve it or not. I wanted a chance to be happy."

He held her for a few minutes in silence before he continued. "Do you have any idea why these dreams – this time – are lingering? Bobby's almost a month old now. Shouldn't they… the hormones…"

"Guilt."

"Huh?" He wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. And if he had – he didn't understand.

"I think I'm finally letting go of the guilt. The guilt… of never having been in love with J.D. And the guilt… of always having been in love with you. J.D. and I never stood a chance – and he knew it. He said that love is like malaria."

"You are going to explain?"

"Love doesn't really go away. It just goes dormant. And it can come back… sometimes years later. I think J.D. knew I never really let you go."

"I'm sorry, Jordan… for what happened with him."

"Yeah, me too."

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Call it masochism; he had to ask, "When did the dreams about me stop?"

"They began to lose their intensity shortly after Will was born."

He could tell she was hedging so he pushed, "A few weeks? A month."

"Ummm. Sort of."

"How long was it, Jordan?" He leaned back to look into her eyes. "How long?"

"They finally stopped when you came home."

He was sorry he had asked.

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"I told you I had a feeling there would probably always be things that come up… issues we'll have to deal with." Her head rested on his chest, the beat of his heart a calming metronome.

"You promised me sex… mind-blowing-make-up-sex to be exact."

"Is that all you heard?"

"That's all I needed to hear." He kissed the top of her head. "So you're saying there's no way to avoid this… these… unresolved issues… from surfacing in the future?"

"No guarantees," she shrugged. "We can try to prevent the intensity, however."

His raised eyebrows and gentle squeeze were his encouragement for her to continue.

"No more pregnancies," she said leaning back to look at him.

He studied her for a moment and then a smile spread across his face. "I think you're safe there, Doc. For at least another year or so." He wagged his eyebrows at her and she lost herself in the shining depths of his blue eyes. When he spoke again, the husky tone of his voice sent tingles through her, "After that, I make no promises."

END