Chapter 21

Quinn's POV

6:56 pm. I look at my watch one last time before getting out of the car. Only a few steps and me and mom will be at the Berry's front door, only a few steps and I'll be in front of Rachel, only a few steps and this awful evening will start.

All I want to do is turn around and go hide somewhere.

Get a grip Fabray!

Mom is all smily, carrying a bix box of macaroons and the beautiful vase we bought earlier today, wrapped up in golden paper, while I carry the massive bouquet of flowers that goes with it.

I'm happy she's happy, but god knows how much I wish this wasn't happening.

Today had really been the worse, even more than I expected and it was far from being over. A pissed off Rachel Berry is a dangerous Rachel Berry, at least for me. Her confidence is her best weapon, and it can easily weaken mine.

We're now in front of the door and my mom is about to ring the bell, but before she does I stop her hand.

"Wait."

"What is it?" she asked a bit confused.

"I just need a second" I replied, looking down and taking small breath, I was getting way to nervous for something as stupid as a dinner.

"I think I haven't seen you that nervous since your dance recital in 2nd grade" she said with a small chuckle.

It took me a second to remember the memory in question, and it made me feel even worse. Back then I was someone else, someone who had every reason to be nervous. Being in the same state today made me feel a lot smaller suddently, trap once more in the mind of my 8 years old self, which is not a nice place to be.

"Thanks for reminding me" I said, my mom being one of the few people who actually knows about my past and how awful it was for me. I saw the instant guilt in her eyes, which made me feel guilty as well.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but you need to relax, nothing is going to happen alright?"

Her words were comforting and I wanted to believe them so bad, but knowing Rachel, something was definitely going to happen tonight.

"Yeah you're right, I'm just being silly" I tried to reassure her, but mostly myself.

"Okay, so I'm going to ring the bell now" she said with a sweet voice.

"Okay." I said after taking a big breath.

"Here we go."

She rang the bell, we heard movements inside the house and a few second later the door opened and a very elegant Leroy Berry was standing before us.

"Hello! Please come in!" he said with his natural dynamism, which made my mom smile instantly.

"Judy, it's so nice to meet you in person" he said, taking my mom's hand, the other holding the presents, and pulling her into a hug that she immediately returned.

"You too Leroy" she said, pulling away a bit, but still holding on to his hand.

"Well your voice doesn't betray your beauty, you look stunning." he said before stepping away to admire my mom's entire outfit.

"Thank you, you look very dashing yourself." she said with a smile.

This just look like a scene from another universe. My mom fake flirting with a gay man, it was disturbing and at the same time it suited her perfectly.

If you erase the entire history with my dad, Judy Fabray is an independent single mom with a good job and, the scene before my eyes being the proof, who doesn't have any trouble making encounters or even friends with people outside of her usual circle. That last part was completely new to me, I was raised around a certain kind of people, with certain type of interests and especially certain type of expectations. Joining glee club gave me the opportunity to open myself to difference and made me more tolerant with people of my age, but being happy and goofy with adults is still very hard for me, I can hear my father's voice in my head telling me to be respectful and have impeccable manners, which of course didn't involve warm hugs and first name basis.

"It's nice to see you again Quinn, and you look just as beautiful." he said before giving me a hug as well which was a lot more difficult with the flowers.

"Thanks, here, these are for you." I said, handing him the flowers

"And this goes with it" Mom continued, giving him the well wrapped vase.

"Those flowers are gorgeous, you shouldn't have" he said and actually looked sincere. He put down the flowers on a small table that was in the entry so he could open the present.

"Oh my god it's beautiful!" he exclaimed, examinating the vase like a true professionnal. It's during that moment that his husband joined us.

"Hi!" he said before kissing my mom on each cheeks like they were old friends. Which was just...weird.

"Look honey, isn't it gorgeous?" Leroy asked his husband. I looked over at my mom, but she didn't even flinch at the term of endearment.

"It is! But you didn't have to bring us anything" he said with as much sincerity as Leroy.

"Oh please, you were nice enough to invite us that's the least we could do" Mom retorted with a smile.

"And of course you must be Quinn" he said, I was scared he was going to kiss me as well or give me a hug, but he must have sensed it and offered me his hand instead, I took it a gave it a small squeeze.

"It's nice to meet you" he said with a smile and friendly eyes.

I don't know what I was expecting from my first meeting with Hiram Berry, but this definitely wasn't it. Maybe Rachel was right, maybe them not knowing the whole truth eased things up a bit and gave me the benefit of the doubt. Rachel. I had forgot for a minute the reason why I was so nervous, and now the knot in my stomach was back full power.

"You too Mr Berry." I managed to said with a calm and almost confident voice.

"Please no Mr Berry, call me Hiram."

"And goes for me as well in case you forgot." Leroy added with a smile, finally detaching his eyes from the vase.

"I'm gonna take care of these beautiful flowers and I'll be right back."

"Oh let me help you, the florist showed me a wonderful disposition for them." Mom said, following Leroy and complimenting the beauty of their interior. It was indeed beautiful, it was modern but a the same time cozy, and I could absolutely imagine Rachel growing up here.

"Come on let's go sit down, Rachel will be down in a minute, it takes her some time to get ready with the brace."

I followed him to the living room area, my mom and Leroy weren't far since the kitchen, the dinning room and the living room had invisible separations. I sat down on one of the couch and he came sit in the armchair next to it, that way he wasn't completely facing me, but we were still in a good position to talk.

"I wanted to thank you by the way, for taking care of her the night of the storm, that was very nice of you." he said with a smile.

I still didn't know what to expect with him, Rachel had told me that he was the one who was less enclined to forgive me for my past behavior, and apparently my present also, but I couldn't find any resentment or sarcasm in his voice. Still, he knew I had been his daughter tormentor for the past two years, and the last thing I need his for him to think that I don't even care or take full responsability for it. Pretenting that everything was fine because I found a pack of ice seemed just wrong.

"I didn't do much really, just kept her company I guess" I answered, hoping it would close the subject.

"That's not what she told us, and I know what Rachel is like when she's in pain, keeping her company is already quite a feat." he said with a chuckle.

I guess I hadn't seen the worse of Rachel because even if she was really hurt she didn't show it that much, she was actually great to be around that night.

"She was alright." I simply said.

And as on cue, a big noice caught both our attention, and a nearly falling Rachel appeared at the bottom of the stairs which was right at the entrance of the living room.

The moment I saw her I felt something that I am unable to describe. The contrast of my emotions was so confusing, I wanted to hug her and tell her I'm sorry for whatever it is that I had done, but another part of me just wanted to run out of the door and never look back. Neither of this possibilities being appropriate at the moment, I just stayed put, slightly shifting on my seat, waiting for her to notice my presence.

"You're okay sweetie?" Hiram quickly asked, ready to get up in case Rachel was hurt.

"Yeah I'm fine, I just...slipped a bit, those bloody crutches are so..." she stopped talking when our eyes met. A small silence followed, and the same way it did before, seconds turn into hours, days, years, even eternity for all I know.

Without even thinking it I let out a small "Hi", it was almost a whisper.

"Hi" she returned a bit louder, and then her eyes started changing, I could read the confusion, the saddness and even a bit of anger in them, the exact same look she had given me in glee club earlier that day.

She was the first to break the connection, looking everywhere but at me, and suddently seemed a lot more nervous. Tension was building up and I didn't know what to do next, thankfully Hiram stepped in, probably aware of the awkwardness between his daughter and I.

"Your dad and Judy are in the kitchen" he simply said while pointing at his husband and my mom who were talking while arranging the flowers, Rachel jumped at the occasion.

"I'll go say hi " she said right away, still avoiding eye contact and going towards the kitchen, leaving me alone with Hiram once again.

A small silence fell on us, and Hiram was simply staring at me with a smile.

Creepy.

I could hear my own breathing accelerate, for a second I had a taste of how the people I stare down at everyday felt like. But what Hiram was doing was way worse, because I had absolutely no idea what he was thinking.

I thought about confessing all the horrible things I did to Rachel and beg for forgiveness on my knees but then I realized it was exactly what he was expecting.

Sure I would have to apologize at some point, but I didn't want him to think I was weak. My life had been controlled so many times and for so many things, but this time it was up to me, if I do something it would be because I want to, not because I'm being mentally pressured by a middle-aged gay man with glasses, a bright green sweater and a creepy smile. So I just kept quiet and looked right back at him, almost challenging him. He understood right away, let out a small chuckle and broke the eye contact before talking.

"So! How was your day?" He asked like the last 20 seconds had never happened.

How was my day?! How the fuck was my day?!

Before I could try to find the appropriate answer to describe how crappy my day had been, Leroy, Rachel and my mom came into the living room with trays of food and drinks that they put down on the coffee table.

My mom came to sit next to me and of course Leroy and Rachel were on the opposite couch, she was still avoiding looking at me and all I wanted to do was to ask her why. I had been trying to find the reason all afternoon but couldn't find a good one, well actually there was probably hundreds of them but if they prooved to be right then it automaticaly meant that Rachel and I weren't going to be friends after all, and it's something that I now couldn't bring myself to.

The first half hour of the evening wasn't as bad as I thought it would, mostly because my mom, Hiram and Leroy were getting along like peas in a pod. As for me and Rachel, we were laughing when needed and even said a few words in the conversations, all of that without our eyes ever meeting once.

I was starting to get a bit nervous by Rachel's behavior because it definitely wasn't the usual one. By now she should have at least made some allusions or try to comment our situation by using "A friend of mine..." and get her parents and my mom to criticize the awful person that hurt her friend when in reality they'd be talking about be. In other words, she should be attacking me, get mad for my inaction or the fact that I still had no idea where I got it wrong, but instead she looked confused, defeated, and I caught sadness in her eyes when she was addressing to my mom.

I just felt all wrong. I like to think that I know Rachel, or at least how she works, since destroying her had been one of my hobbies, but this time I had what seemed to be a complete stranger in front of me.

"Quinn?"

The voice pull me out of my thoughts, my mom was looking at me with a questioning look as well as the three other people in the room, apparently I had been thinking a bit too intensively and missed something.

"Sorry, I got lost for a minute" I said with an apologetic smile.

"It's okay don't worry about it, it happens to me all the time" Leroy said, his statement accompanied with nods from both Hiram and Rachel.

"I was just asking you if you were already thinking about college" he continued.

Fuck.

The last thing I wanted to talk about after my dayjob as a bully. College. Scary, amazing, expensive, inaccessible college.

Of course I'm thinking about it, I think about community college here in Lima, where I will probably end up. I think about not going at all and try to travel a bit or get a job until I figure things out. And must of all I dream, I dream about the Ivy League, just the way I did when I was little.

Of course it was first my father's plan for me, but soon it was the plan that I had for myself, until it became just another reverie, something you want so bad but you know you'll never get.

Plus, since we still don't know what my father is up to and to what extent his desire for revenge will go, I don't want to put even more pressure on my mom. Sure we kept the house and the cars, but if my mom hadn't find a job as quickly as she did, they would probably be sold by now, and god knows how expensive college is, even with a scholarship, which I probably wouldn't get anyway.

So how to answer Leroy's question without making my mom feel bad and without lying?

"Humm, I haven't really thought this through yet."

"What are you talking about? Of course you did" my mom said a bit confused, but soon turned to the Berry's and added " Ivy League. We still don't know which school but Quinn has amazing grades and a lot of extra curricular activities, so I think she has very good chances."

And here was a small glimpse at the old Judy Fabray, the vainglorious rich woman with a greedy husband, who exhibits her daughter like a trophy and an image of perfection.

I know I'm being hard on her but just the thought of having to satisfy any other expectation from my parents was unbearable. After all, they let me down when I needed them the most, and even if my mom was trying to make things right, it was still going to take a while before I could forgive her completely, if I'm ever able to.

"Mom, we haven't talked about this yet" I said, trying to make her understand that nothing was final like she implied.

"Yes we have. Don't worry, you still have plenty of time to choose honey" she said while putting a hand on my shoulder.

I was about to retort but Leroy was the first to talk.

"I'm sure you'll make the right choice, I went to Brown, and I spend there some of the greatest moments of my life." he said with an hint of nostalgia in his voice.

"Do you know what you want to do yet?" he then asked with genuine interest.

Again, Fuck.

I should have expected that one as well. I didn't see myself trying to explain why I wanted to be a Lima real estate agent because, let's face it, I don't want to.

Actually since my talk with Rachel during the storm I had been thinking a bit more about my hopes of becoming a writter even though I never wrote a thing, and came to the conclusion that maybe instead I should do what I do best, read.

"I'm thinking about becoming editor" I said without much confidence, and it was Hiram this time who stepped in.

"Oh that's great! I have a friend whos-"

"I thought you wanted to be a writter." Rachel interrupted.

She was looking straight at me, I couldn't tell what she was thinking and I half expected her to add "or did you lie about that too?", but nothing came. There was a small silence, everyone waiting for an answer that I obviously didn't have, being too caught up by the fact that Rachel had actually talk to me for the second time of the evening.

Thank god Leroy spoke again, otherwise I don't know how long we would've stayed there.

"You wanna be a writter?" he asked with a soft voice, as if he already knew it was a touchy subject for me.

I didn't want to talk about it, and most of all I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of the four of them. It's true, who wants to be a writter but has never write anything? This was just stupid, and at that moment I just wanted to go hide in a hole.

"I don't know" I answered almost shyly, just hoping for this conversation to go away.

"Have you ever written anything?" he then asked.

Does this family has superpowers or something?!

My silence answered for me, and just felt embarassed.

"Hey don't worry about it okay? I didn't write a thing until I was 21! " Leroy said with a laugh.

That caught my attention, I had almost forgot that Leroy was indeed a writer, I didn't ask Rachel what kind or how he became one and I wish I did. I was about to ask but my mom did it first.

"How did you become a writer? Did you just woke up and said "Why not?" ?"

"Yeah, I kinda did!" he said with a laugh and then continued.

"Actually there's an entire story behind it, but I'll give you the short version. I was 21, in my third year at Brown doing a Mathematical Economics major, don't ask me why, let's just say that back then I was still a bit confused about who I was and who I wanted to be obviously. I needed to choose a course outside of my major, I didn't have any precise idea of what I wanted but the first day of class, I was late and in my frantic race I collided with a teacher. Mr Wolcott...he was the hottest and cu-"

"Ahem" Hiram interrupted his husband who was talking about his former teacher with a dreamy look on his face. My mom, Rachel and I laughed a bit at Leroy's apologetic face before he started talking again.

"Yeah sorry, anyway, I developped a bit of a crush on him, actually at some point it kinda turned into some sort of obsession... nevermind! So of course I decided to take one of his course just so I could spend a few hours a week staring at him, the class happened to be "Free Composition", which consisted in writing anything you felt worth being said. I did my first assigment without even thinking about it, writing about some childhood story, I really didn't have time with all the work I had from the other classes, this one was just for fun. But as the weeks went by I started writing more and more until it was everyday, about anything and everywhere, even during economics and algebra classes. It just became something I needed to do, something that was just mine. Not being attentive in class I failed my semester and when it was time to go back, I made the best decision of my life and followed my heart, my passion. I started everything again, got my diploma in English and Literature studies four years later and never stopped writing since then. I write stories, aticles, screenplays. I write for others, but mainly for myself, it has become something vital for me, otherwise I get lost in my own head. So don't worry too much Quinn, the hardest part is to start, once you have, if it's really what you're meant to be, then you'll never be able to stop."

He ended his story with a smile and I felt so relieved at that moment. I had regained all the hope that I had lost, but at the same time had gain the fear that comes with the fact that maybe it's not what I'm meant to be, the fear that if I take the leap and fail then there would be no turning back.

"Well, what about some dinner to conclude that wonderful story!" Hiram said with enthousiasm.

"That sounds perfect!" My mom replied with the same tone, she really was enjoying this evening and I was slowly starting to as well. Of course the obvious tension between me and Rachel was still very uncomfortable, but all in all, her dads were great and made it a lot easier for everyone. I was hoping Leroy would tell me more about his job and college courses. I would always picture myself walking around amazing ancient buildings or reading in some gigantic park, learning about my passion and have nothing but opportunities for the future. I wanted that life, I wanted it more than anything.

"Are you coming?"

Rachel's voice brought me back to reality, I was now sitting alone in the living room, my mom and Rachel's dads already in the kitchen.

I noticed a bit of worry in her eyes when I didn't respond right away, it meant that there was still hope, that she still cared enough to make sure I'm okay. All I needed to do now was to make her talk, because I'm sure she was going to keep ignoring our problems and keep everything to herself. And the only way to make Rachel Berry talk is to provoke her.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

Game on.