Author's Note: Oya. Being sick. So great.

I have no motivation to do aaaannyyyything. And I start school in a few days and I have to go to my university to get my ID and parking. I don't wanna. ;_;

Oh well. Better to be sick NOW instead of over the weekend, ne?

You guys are awesome as always. Thank you for your feedback!

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Sleep had become a hobby of mine… hadn't it? Always one for short-term sources of entertainment (stomping cell phones, stomping boyfriends, stomping lives, etc), I had taken on dreaming. However, when I woke up on day eighteen, I found myself tired of being tired. What good had running into nightmares done for me?

Contemplative as ever, I stayed flat on my back until I was sure I wasn't going back to sleep. I watched the ceiling fan go round and round, hoping it would hypnotize me into forgetting my life… forgetting the disfigured mess it was. Rolling over, I checked the time on Shizuo's digital clock, its green letters looking faded by the golden glow streaming in from the morning sun.

10:00AM

He had probably left two hours ago.

Good.

I wouldn't have known what to say to him. I wasn't ready to try.

"Fuckin…Shizu-chan…" I growled, untangling myself from the sheets, finally having decided to get my ass out of bed.

Immediately, I went for my cell phone, discovering multiple missed calls from nobodies covering up several text messages from the idiot. I wondered when people would give up. I had been ignoring business for over four weeks now… since I tried to swallow death in pill form. Every number on the screen was beginning to look the same, including Namie's. I wondered what she wanted for a brief moment before deciding she was as unimportant to me as she had ever been.

Shizuo's texts were much more important.

Shizu-chan

03/20/2010 - 9:30AM

[And I'm sorry for last night…]

Shizu-chan

03/20/2010 - 9:12AM

[Russian Sushi. Be there at 1.]

Shizu-chan

03/20/2010 - 8:47AM

[Hey. Don't go out until lunch. I don't want you getting in trouble before then. I'll text you with the when and where soon.]

You know… text messaging would be a much more emotional method of speaking to a person if they didn't see the newest unread texts first. Though, I really couldn't restrain a faint smile over the apology.

No.

God damn it.

I sat back on the mattress and rubbed my eyes. I didn't care where it was… No. I was turned off by the idea in itself. Food… Public… Shizuo… All of it was uncomfortable.

Each time I went out, I seemed to run into some problem… some person… I didn't want to see. And the idea of eating disgusted me. I felt like puking just thinking about it. As if that wasn't enough, being seen with Shizuo was the worst part of the entire concept.

People weren't going to take it lightly upon seeing us together in a civilized manner. Saving me from the Awakusu-kai was freaky enough as it was. Ikebukuro isn't a city that easily forgets. It's shrouded by a concoction of secrets and malevolence; not lost memories. The people here don't seem to forget anything. They're just skilled when it comes to pretending that nothing is wrong until they get too curious. Yet, they don't know that to someone like me, everything is revealed by the looks in their eyes.

I couldn't stop trying to process what they'd do if they could see us in the most intimate moments of this life. They'd probably laugh before transforming into vultures who would pick us apart until we both ended up dead. I wasn't out to destroy lives anymore… I was only looking to end mine. If word made its way to the wrong people, Shizuo and I were sure to end up in a very dark place, as if this one wasn't dark enough. For all he had done to help me, effective or not, he didn't deserve to be brought down because of me. When I went down, I wasn't going to bring him with me. Ikebukuro needed to stick to the belief that there was nothing more dangerous than the raging blond and the manipulative informant. The city had seen Orihara Izaya weak once. Never again.

With no intention of meeting Shizuo, I got dressed and slipped out of the apartment, being sure to avoid the entire block surrounding the strange sushi restaurant. As contradictory to my thoughts as it was, I didn't feel like I could stay inside. I was feeling trapped again.

Yes. My decision to skip out on him was selfish in the worst of ways. But… what of the long run? I saw it as protecting him, even if he wouldn't appreciate it.

Knowing Shizuo the way I did left no doubt in my mind that he'd be pissed.

"OI! Izaya!"

A figure in a blue-gray track jacket and a hat that I'll never understand, stepped onto the sidewalk, waving a calm hand. Behind him were two overexcited otakus and a bored looking high school student with a minivan complex.

"Dotachin?" I responded, a little surprised to see him.

A look crawled across his face at the sound of my nickname for him. He always hated it. Same Kadota as ever. "It's been a while," he stated, shrugging off my response.

He pulled himself away from the hyperactive duo and their chauffer to speak to me without spontaneous interruptions. Probably a wise choice.

My mind went elsewhere as I actually forced myself not to focus on a conversation. It seemed like every time I ran into a familiar face, I ended up more confused than I already was. Me. Confused. I hated it. "Hm. Yes… it has."

"You doing alright?" he asked. "You seem… different."

"Different?" I reiterated, choosing to bullshit my way through this one. "How so?"

He squinted, running his eyes over me. "You're… quiet."

"Huh?"

I took a step back. Cracking a smile, I forced a low chuckle out of my throat. It was so fake that it hurt. You know cafeteria food? Like, when you're a kid in school, and the food they serve is garbage layered on top of cardboard and slat? So you sit down at the lunch table to eat, but the food doesn't taste at all like food, resulting in its disposal instead of consumption.

That was my laugh. Fake and distasteful. Kadota read it loud and clear.

He leered. "Tch. You usually have a lot to say as soon as we cross paths."

"Our paths have only just crossed," I reminded him.

"So are the rumors true?"

The switch was abrupt. Frightening. Was I so transparent?

"What rumors?" I glowered, snapping back to reality.

Kadota shook his head. "Forget it."

"Dota. What rumors?"

"Not my business… but I think you should be warned. I saw Shizuo about an hour ago. He's acting strange too. You might want to be careful."

"Thanks… uh… I guess."

Deciding to end the conversation, I began to put one foot before the other, swiftly removing myself from the scene. So there were rumors… Thankfully, unless I misunderstood him, it didn't seem like my old high school friend was aware of my current status. Hopefully, though hope was so far gone from my heart, he'd never have to find out.

Kadota Kyohei…

He put up with so much of my serpentine shit when we were kids. Yet, he never dropped me. Ignoring how much I annoyed him, stole his girlfriends just to do it, dragged him into my fights, and used him as a human shield from Shizuo, he stuck by me for a good amount of time. He knew me one way and one way only. I didn't want to change his perception after all of those years. Some day, I'd make it up to him.

Keeping my feet moving, I decided to make it a point to avoid familiar faces from now on, beginning with turning a less traveled corner. Not only did they scare me, but they always knew something. Someone had always let them in on my secrets, which was fully unacceptable. Information on the informant… How much longer was it meant to go on before I either rewrote my life or put out the dying flame?

Oh well. Two days or twelve. My close acquaintances could be lead on when they couldn't be avoided. I was just rusty. That's all. I'd been so sheltered by my own hurt that I was in need of fine tuning an old habit.

At least, that's what I tried to convince myself.

But I should know, for all of my walking, I've never quite made it out of the woods. Then again… where would I be if I did? A grassy meadow? Tch. At least I can hide in the forest. There's nowhere to hide in a field.

When the digital numbers on my cell phone showed one o'clock, I flipped it open, pressing the "end" key to turn it off. I dropped it into the back pocket of my jeans, and crossed the street, deciding to stay low in back alleys where vermin like me usually tend to hide. Yes. It was weak. Anybody with half a brain could have found me there. In fact, it was probably covertly clichéd. Most people on the lookout for me wouldn't think about it being so obvious. Instinct would lead them here.

Luckily for me, it worked for about an hour as I paced back and forth in a dead end of a particular alley, covered by a more narrow crevice in between buildings. Just… an hour.

Foot steps drew nearer, breaking my finicky back-and-forth pattern. I stopped, feeling my knees as they began to tremble with a fear that hadn't made its way into my heart yet.

"I should've known I'd find you here…" a low growl chilled my bones.

A final puff of smoke escaped through his nostrils before Shizuo dropped the half-smoked cigarette on the littered cement beneath our feet. I was nearly hypnotized by the lonely stream of burning tobacco as it hit the ground, deciding to die out on its own. I wished that could be me.

Either way, I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I could feel his bitter stare well enough. There was no point in staring back.

"I don't know what's worse," he said. "That you didn't bother to lie, or that you just didn't bother to show up."

"Shizu-chan…"

"Don't try to worm your way out of this with that tone of voice."

I was hearing his pain loud and clear. Did he fear rejection from me?

"I'm sorry…" was the best I could do.

"You always are. Do you ever stop thinking about yourself long enough to consider that this thing between us might be a team effort?"

"I-"

"I'm not invincible you know."

"I know that!" I shot, snapping my head in his direction, locking myself into his livid eyes before I could consider the consequences.

"Do you, Izaya? Or do you just keep trying to fuck with me? Every time I try anything from getting you out of bed to making you smile, you do everything you can to make it as difficult as possible! I may not feel it if a knife slices through my flesh, but I do feel pain. Just like you do."

"Your pain could never match mine…"

"How do you know?"

"That doesn't matter…"

"Of course it matters. Why would you skip out on me like that? And don't you dare tell me it's because you aren't hungry, because I asked you to meet me there. I never said you had to eat."

Damn it… He was blocking all of my excuses. When did he get so good at setting up barricades? But the more he went off, the faster my shame morphed into indignation of my own.

"Stop…" I warned him.

Shizuo took several steps towards me. Intuitively, I took several steps back. "Stop what?"

"Just leave me alone."

"No. Not until I get some answers outta you."

"Why?" I lashed out, suddenly feeling my temper reaching an unnatural boiling point. "All you ever fucking want from me is answers! Everything is a question with you! Can't you just shut the fuck up and mind your own for once?"

"What the fuck has gotten into you, flea!" He backed me into the corner.

"And there you go again! How about answering some of mine for once?"

"Like what?"

"Like, why do you care so much whether or not I go to lunch with you? Have you not taken it into consideration that people might see us?"

"Tch. I don't care about people. I'm not you."

"So it never occurred to you what they'd do if they saw us together?"

"Wait…" he stepped back. "You turned off your phone and fucking stood me up because you don't want complete strangers to see us together?"

"More or less."

"Fuck. Seriously? So when this was concerning you, did you ever stop to think that maybe it doesn't fucking matter?"

"How does it not matter?" I spat. "What? Are you looking for them to destroy us? We may not know them, but everybody in Ikebukuro knows us."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's pretty simple. They see us. They see what we are, versus what we used to be. We're ruined. Dead."

"Hmph… then in that case, you'd be getting exactly what you want. This is about your image. Your last threads of pride. Since when do you care what people think of you?"

The searing pain of pent up tears messed with my vision while we continued to retaliate against each other. My head was getting light. There was no telling how much of this yelling I could take.

I covered my ears with my hands, trying not to put up with any more. It was a pointless move. "Shut up, Shizuo."

I tried pushing myself through the wall. Yes. I mean that. I was so desperate to get away from him, that I pushed my back into the wall as hard as I could, praying to nonexistent powers that I'd fall through it.

"No. I'm not shutting up. Damn it. Do you really think I give a shit about them? Do you really think I'd ever let them touch you?"

"You can't stop every force that comes your way. You said it yourself. Shizuo, you're not invincible."

"So what do you want from me then? You just wanna stay hidden in my apartment and hide for the next 12 days, hoping to whither away before you have to make any progress for yourself?"

"NO!"

"Then what the fuck do you want? Because nothing ever sounds okay to you! And when I don't know that it's not okay, I never find out until the last minute."

"What the hell does that even mean? You never find out. What does that mean?"

"Forget it," the tone in his voice suddenly dropped.

"No."

"Fuck," he hissed.

Pulling his arm back, I could see the tension of his fury building. His hand curled into a tight fist. Clamping my eyes shut, I waited for the collision of his punch to my face as his other hand on my chest kept me pinned to the wall. Soon, the sound of an epic crack reverberated through my skull. I found myself flinching, momentarily believing that I had received the blow until I felt no pain.

Opening my eyes, I turned my head, finding a fresh crater in the wall.

Shizuo stepped back, shaking off his hand as it began to bruise and bleed. If looks could kill, I'd be six feet under already.

"This is nothing but a game to you, is it, Izaya?"

"Is that really what you think?"

"How would I know?" The bite in his voice deepened, taking him over entirely. "All you've done is show me that you don't give a shit about anyone or anything but yourself. Do you string me along just for a final prank before you die? Do you even wanna die? Or is this some sort of plan concocted in order to make me feel sorry for you?"

"Stop it…" I warned him, desperate for him to shut up. My head was spinning now.

"I can't help but wonder if Kasuka was right."

"I said stop." I drew my eyelids shut again, hoping to chase away the dizziness.

"You're toying with me, aren't you?"

In one fluid movement, my hands were on his chest. Using my remaining strength I shoved him away from me; then made a feeble attempt to stand up straight. Glancing up, I tried to read the look on his face, though I couldn't force my eyes to focus. I could feel myself swaying as balance left me. My head was throbbing like the fast rhythm of a bass drum, intensifying with every deep breath I sucked in. A cold chill swept through me as I stumbled backwards, grabbing my coat to pull it around my torso.

"Izaya…" Shizuo's voice reverted back to the calm I had become so used to over the last several weeks.

"Get away from me…" I demanded, feeling my back collide with the wall.

"Izaya, look at me. What's wrong?"

"I'm fine…"

What a pathetic lie.

Feeling a pair of strong arms lift me off my feet, the surrounding world disappeared by the disruption of black spots filling my vision.

Everything went dark.