Chapter 21 – Never Can Say Good-bye

"Every time I think I've had enough I start heading for the door
There's a very strange vibration, that passes me right through the core
It says, "Turn around, you fool", you know you'll love her more and more
Tell me why is it so I don't wanna let you go
I never can say goodbye, Oo oo, baby
I never can say goodbye, no no no, no no no, oo"

Never Can Say Good-bye by Michael Jackson

Alistair sat on his bed and stared at the sword and shield that was propped in the corner. Part of him was stunned that for all these years she had saved Duncan's items for him. It was as if she expected him to one day return to the Wardens…to her. The other part of him was not surprised at all because it was true to her character. She never lost faith in those she loved and believed in. That had been so evident with Anders; her belief that she could save him up till the very end. That is what made her Josie Cousland; that is what Duncan had seen in her the night he conscripted her.

Alistair needed to feel close to both to them, so he riffled through his night stand and pulled out Duncan's journal. He turned towards the end of the book. To a passage he had read a hundred times.

Harvestmere, Fifth Day of the Thirtieth Year of the Dragon Age -

I witnessed something today that I never believed possible… love at first sight. During our trip from Highever, Josie Cousland had been sullen, withdrawn and at times ill-tempered. The complete opposite of the young, carefree rogue I had encountered at Highever Castle. Her mood is to be expected after the atrocities that she has witnessed, but even as she explained to King Calian the circumstances of her family's demise, she was detached and unemotional. I was truly beginning to worry that in her current mental state, that she would not make it through her Joining.

However, her demeanour completely changed when she saw Alistair. Her lighthearted manor and humor returned almost instantly. The witty exchanged the two of them had revitalized her. Her transformation wasn't just from sexual attraction either. Although there is no shortage of that for either of them, this was something spiritual. It was as if two souls recognized each other. There is no other way to explain the instant repiore, their immediate comfort and trust of each other and the undeniable attraction they had for one another.

I've never seen Alistair so relaxed, so charming. It was like watching Maric all over again. I've never seen him so at ease with anyone, let alone a beautiful girl. It will be interesting to watch these two as their relationship grows and matures.

That had been Duncan's last entry and Alistair read that passage often. It comforted him to know that both he and Josie were on his mind those last few hours of his life. It also reassured him that Duncan also felt that he and Josie were soulmates or would have been if he hadn't fucked it all up.

He had to stop thinking like that. He and Josie had agreed that it was time for both of them to leave their past behind them, and as hard as that might be, he would try to honor agreement to the best of his ability. He rolled over and fell into a peaceful sleep as he dreamed of both Duncan and Josie.

The following morning as Alistair ate his breakfast, Zevran slid onto the bench beside him. "I'm on to you, my Brat Prince," Zevran cooed.

"What are you going on about assassin?"

"You thought no one noticed, but it didn't escape my attention?"

"I have no idea what the bloody hell you are talking about, Zev."

Zevran gave him a sly grin. "The poster."

"Oh that…"

"Yes that; I know you aren't spending private time with it," Zevran chortled.

"What!...NO!...That's just…" Alistair stuttered as his cheeks burned.

"Just what?"

"I am just keeping it safe is all," Alistair said defensively.

"Alistair, I have observed that your liaison with Leonie was nothing more than a distraction from your true desire," Zevran stated.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't play coy with me. You're no good at it, not to mention your charms don't work on me, but they do work on our lovely leader."

"You're delusional, elf."

"Oh really? The night of the great poster reveal, did I not see the tension run out of her body by you simply touching her shoulder? Did she not secure and safely store a sword and shield that held sentimental value to you? You underestimate the effect that you still have on her, my friend."

Alistair was silent for a long moment before he spoke. "She is still mourning Anders. She still loves him."

"Alistair she will always love Anders, that is something that you will have to come to terms with just as Anders had to come to terms that she will always love you."

Alistair shook his head. "She doesn't love me anymore…"

"You're wrong, she does and she needs you to remind her of the feelings that she has for you."

"How can you say that?"

"You never get over your first love. They are always with you, always a part of you. But I have also seen the way she looks at you…"

"How does she look at me?"

Zevran smiled. "Wistfully… reflective… whenever something happens to spark a memory of your time together during the Blight, she smiles thoughtfully with amusement; those are the moments that you can use to your advantage to re-establish your connection with her."

"I don't want to be the guy she uses to get over Anders."

"See that is beauty of this, she wouldn't be using you, Alistair. She would be rediscovering her feelings for you… feelings she already has. Your right she is still mourning Anders, but you can help her through that and remind her that life still has so much to offer. That is if you want to help her move on and find happiness."

"Of course I do!"

"Well, then you subtly need to remind her of what you once had and what you meant to each other. You have to make her want you by being slightly out of reach…"

"How the bloody hell am I supposed to do that when all I want to do is be with her?"

"Don't be the one to make the first move. You have to make Josie come to you. It's the only way you're going to know that it's you she truly wants, but in the meantime always leave her unfulfilled and wanting more. That will make her think and want you more."

"Zev, I'm not good at this. You are good at being the charming yet detached lover. You even said yourself I'm not coy. How am I supposed to do this?"

"I will help you," Zevran said.

"Why?"

"Because I want to see her happy once again and I know you're the one to do that. So here is your first lesson, sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, thirty percent is your attitude, so ninety percent of what you are saying isn't coming out of your mouth. You need to learn to read her body language and make sure you aren't sending the wrong signals. That's where I come in, my friend. Let's go down to the practice ring, I saw Josie head there a little while ago."

They made their way down to the sparring ring; Josie was in the ring with Mason and Caron. They were gathered around her, her hands were on her hips as she gave instructions.

"Now, Josie is an expert at nonverbal communication. It's what helped her coerce all those people into seeing her point of view during the Blight. She is always completely aware of her body and what signals she is giving. She only gives signals that she wants to give. Now Mason and Caron are open books. Tell me what you see, Alistair."

"Mason, your lack of concentration can only be from another late night with Oghren. I warned you that if you showed up in this ring hung over again, I was going to put you on chamber pot duty for a week," Josie said sternly.

Mason smiled stiffly at her, he stared into her eyes until it almost became awkward, but Josie never broke eye contact with him. "Honestly, Commander, I'm not feeling well. I think I have food sickness. That wild boar just didn't sit well on my stomach. I was up all night vomiting and gagging and when it wasn't coming out my mouth it was coming out the …"

"That's enough, Mason. I don't need a detailed description of your imaginary illness."

"It's the truth Commander, honest to the Maker," Mason said.

Josie stepped into him and hissed. "Mason, your lips say no, but your body tells me yes."

Mason's eyes went wide, "Aaah, a-are we still talking about drinking?"

"After practice, report to Varel for chamber pot duty, lie to me again and I'll make you Oghren's personal wiper."

Both Zevran and Alistair burst out laughing. Josie spun, she smiled warmly when she saw them and waved. They waved back.

Zevran turned to Alistair. "How could Josie tell he was lying?"

"Well, when he smiled at her it wasn't a genuine smile."

"Yes, exactly. It's nearly impossible to fake a real smile because the emotion never reaches the eyes. There are people that are good at faking by forcing their minds to feel an emotion that should be connected with that smile. However, that takes years of training and excellent memory recall. What else did you notice?"

"His eye contact seemed unnatural."

"That's because it was. Every liar knows that you have to make eye contact, but they tend to hold the contact for too long. What else?"

"He gave too many details in his story."

Zevran chuckled. "Yes sometimes less is more, especially when talking about bodily functions. Did you also notice that when Josie saw that we were here that her body relaxed, her eyes lit up and her smile was genuine?"

"Yes."

"Good, now I want you to approach her, ask her about sparring together and pay attention to how her body reacts to you."

Alistair hopped over the fence and walked over to her. He stopped a few feet away from her. She smiled and stepped closer to him as Alistair leaned toward her. "Hi there," she said softly.

"Hi, I was wondering if later on today when you're caught up on all your duties, if you wanted to spar together."

Josie tilted her head slightly and coyly smiled. "You just miss me putting you on the flat of your back."

A mischievous smirk played with the edges of Alistair's lips as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, the view is pretty good from down there."

Josie licked her lips. "Then you won't have a problem landing there more frequently." She smiled as she added, "It's been a while since we sparred together. I would love to."

"Great, I'll let you get back to training this sorry lot," Alistair said then turned to leave.

"I'll give you a sorry lot," Mason said as his fingers glowed blue with magic.

"Try it mage and you'll be the one flat on your back with your mana drained," Josie stated.

Alistair just grinned as he made his way over to Zevran. "So now you have a date with our lovely lady. What did you learn?"

"Well, her smile was a real one. She tilted her head…"

"Yes that is a typical female flirting move. Did you notice anything else?"

"Not really."

"Well this is what I saw, when she approached you she stepped into your own personal space indicating she wanted to be closer to you, but you showed just as much interest by leaning into her…"

"I leaned into her?"

Zevran chuckled. "Yes you did and you didn't even realize it because it's was a subconscious move, but I can guarantee that Josie noted that you did that. You ran your fingers through your hair which says you were nervous, and that is a habit of yours that we need to break. Also, before she gave you an answer that indirectly referenced a sexual position she licked her lips. This could be an indication two things. One, her subconscious desire to kiss you or she was recalling a memory from when she had you in that position before."

"You got all that from her licking her lips."

"Yes, I did. It was in my best interest to know what individuals were not telling me than to hear the lies that fell from their lips."

"That was a good first lesson, Alistair. I want to hear what you observe after your date with the Commander."

"It isn't a date," Alistair said defensively.

"If you say so."

Over the next week, under Zevran's tutelage Alistair studied Josie's body language closely. He thought that he had been able to read her well in the past, but now he noticed little things that he also had missed. He noticed that when she wasn't being fully truthful about something she would tug at her earlobe. She didn't do it every time and there were times he saw her catch herself and stop, but when she was fully engaged in a conversation and wasn't paying attention she did it.

He also noticed that she mirrored the movements of those that came into contact with and this put them at ease. Zevran said when she did this with him that it was a sign of attraction. He wanted to believe that, but he wasn't so sure.

The ability to read her not just through the taint, but also by the unspoken language of her body, Alistair felt he understood her and closer to her than he had in a very long time. So when a messenger rushed into the dining hall to deliver an urgent letter, Alistair watched the subtle cues of her switching from noble to fearless Warden-Commander, as her back straightened, her gaze hardened and lips formed a straight line. She spun and called to her second in command to gather the Wardens for an emergency meeting. Once they were all present, Josie began.

"There has been a darkspawn attack not from Highever Castle and the initial reports are stating the presence of talking darkspawn. There have been numerous injured and they have been taken to Highever Castle. So we will split into two teams. Nate, you will take Kai and Caron to Highever Castle so that Kai can heal the injured. I will take Alistair, Zev, Oghren and Mason to inspect the battle site. Sig, I am leaving you in charge of the Keep. I want everyone to be alert. These aren't your typical darkspawn. They are intelligent and organized. Don't let your guard down around them. Be prepared to leave in two hours."

Everyone rose to leave except for Alistair, Nate and Zevran. Once the room was cleared, Nate looked at her. "What aren't you telling us?"

Josie's hand shook ever so slightly before she moved it behind her back to clasp them together. "My brother was injured in the attack. I am not sure how serious his injuries are, but he was alert enough to communicate a message from a darkspawn emissary that goes by the name, the Advocate who has requested a meeting with me."

"Why request a meeting with you? Why not just kidnap you like the Architect did?" Nathanial asked.

"You were kidnapped by the Architect?" Alistair asked.

"Yes, long story for another time. I have no idea, Nate. Maybe they are developing manners."

"Well, I hope they aren't expecting an invitation to tea," Alistair said dryly.

"We will find out. Let's get moving," Josie instructed.

As they started toward the stairs, Alistair touched her arm and she looked up at him. "I'm sorry about Fergus. I'm sure he will be fine and you know Kai will do everything in her power to heal him."

"I know… and thank you."

She turned to rush up the stairs to her room, but Alistair saw the tears forming in her eyes. He wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but he didn't want to impose on her either. He decided to ignore the logical side of his brain and went after her.

He knocked then entered her room without waiting for her to let him in. She was standing over by the window. She spun when she heard him. Her eyes were red, her cheeks stained with tears and her face splotchy from crying. As he approached her, she quickly tried to wipe her tears away.

He pulled her into his arms and against his chest. He soothed her hair down and kissed the top of her head. "You don't ever have to hide your emotions from me. You should know that by know, JoJo."

She relaxed against him as she melted into him and her tears came harder and stronger. He held her tightly against him until there were no tears left. "Fergus is a fighter, Josie. He fought his way back to you after the Blight, and you have to have faith that he will continue to fight."

"I-I can't lose him, Alistair. I've already lost so much, sacrificed so much, I need him. He is the only blood family I have left."

"Kai is an excellent healer. Her spiritual healing is as good as Wynne's. She will do everything in her power to save him," he said as he pulled back, cupped her face and gently wiped the tears away with his thumb. He yearned to lean down and kiss her, but now was not the time nor was that the comfort she was looking for. He kissed the top of her forehead then stepped away from her.

She smiled up at him. "Thank you, Alistair. I really needed a good cry."

He laughed. "Well, I believe I once told you my shoulder was always here for you."

She wiped her eyes with her hand. "Yes you did. It's a good thing that I'm not prone to emotional outbursts very often cause the way things have been going lately, my head might be permanently attached to your shoulder."

Alistair grinned at her. "Well, that wouldn't be a bad option from my perspective."

"You say that now, until you develop shoulder rot from the constant flow of tears."

"To have your beautiful head resting there permanently, it's a chance I would be willing to take."

Josie's cheeks flushed red as she smiled a sweet innocent grin at him.

"Josie Cousland, did I just make you blush?" He paused and looked at her as her cheeks color deepened. He chuckled. "I did make you blush and here I thought only whispering naughty suggestions in your ear in front of a room full of nobles could have that effect on you."

"It must be the heat… does this room seem unreasonably warm to you?" She asked as she swung the window open and cool breeze blew in.

"Aaah, yes that must be what caused that attractive flush of color on the fair maiden's cheeks," Alistair said as her cheeks deepened even more. Alistair chuckled. "Since when, can't the legendary cool and collected Josie Cousland not take a compliment?"

"When the compliment is completely unexpected and coming from a surprising source," Josie stated.

Alistair stepped closer to her and smiled tenderly at her. "It should be no surprise that I find you attractive, my Lady. I have thought you were the most beautiful woman in all of Thedas since the day I met you, and nothing that I've seen since has dissuaded me from that view point."

Before she could reply, he kissed her cheek then headed for the door. "I will let you pack for our trip."

xxXxx

They arrived at the attack site a few hours before the sun was due to set. It was a horrific scene and it would take them a full day to gather the bodies and burn them. There was no sign of darkspawn or the latest talking emissary.

Josie leapt off of her horse, drew her sword as she made her way toward the mouth of a small cave. Alistair followed her. He reached out through the taint and felt her apprehension, but as he fell into step beside her the anxiety waned.

"I don't feel any darkspawn close by," she stated.

"Neither do I," Alistair confirmed.

"Mason, can you close this opening temporarily? I don't want any more darkspawn using it tonight, but I want to be able to explore this cave a little further tomorrow."

"I can close it off by collapsing up the entrance. Tomorrow I will just make the big rocks into little rocks by blowing them up."

"Sound good to me," Josie replied, she took a step back as the mage cast several strong stone fist spells at the entrance. In a matter of seconds the opening was closed off.

"There is a lot of work to be done here. It will be dark in a few hours. Let's ride further south a few miles and set-up camp for the night. We can get a fresh start on this in the morning," Josie instructed.

They found a clearing a few miles away that had a stream nearby for water. They quickly went to work on setting up camp. Once the fire was started, Josie began cooking dinner for everyone.

"You have to love a woman that knows her way around a kitchen," Mason purred as Josie stood over the pot, stirring the stew.

"If you say anything about her being barefoot and pregnant, I'll enjoy watching her remove your manhood," Oghren grunted.

"I would never dream of ruining the fantasy by giving her a big belly," Mason stated.

"Are you a fan of Holy Smite, mage?" Alistair sneered.

"Last time I checked, wasn't one of my favourites, but if she is the one doing the smiting, I'll bet it could grow on me," Mason chuckled.

"Oh, she'll do a lot more than just smite you. You won't be walking away from it with all your pieces intact... I guarantee it," Zevran chortled.

"So she likes it rough. Good to know," Mason sighed as he eyed her up and down.

"You know what... Since you're not so good at listening to valuable advice, I'm gonna shut up now and let you learn your lesson the hard way. Good luck to you. You'll need it," Zevran stated.

Josie scooped out some of the stew and walked over to Mason. She bent down and smiled at him. "Would you like a sip?" She cooed.

Mason smiled at her. "Why, yes I would, darlin'."

Josie eased the ladle toward him. He leaned forward to take a taste, but Josie's other hand came up lightening quick and Mason paused as he felt the cold steel of Josie's blade press against his throat.

"Let me be very clear, I have had my fill of rebel apostates who think they can charm their way into my pants. Been there, done that, bought the souvenir. So until you show me that you have more to offer me than your smartass and rather lame pick-up lines, you will remember that I am your Commanding Officer, and you treat me with the respect that title holds. That is unless you want to try and take the title from me, but I have to warn you, the last chap that tried that is now in Weisshaupt answering to the First Warden."

Oghren and Zevran burst out laughing. "Tried to warn you, my friend."

Josie dropped the ladle, stood up and spun to face the forrest. Alistair was immediately on his feet too, drawing his sword. "Darkspawn," they hissed in unison.

The group sprang into action preparing for a fight, but only a tall, muscular emissary emerged from the woods.

"There is more than just him," Alistair whispered.

"I agree. They are hiding in the shadows," Oghren replied.

"What do you want?" Josie demanded.

"I am only here to talk," the darkspawn replied.

"Why are the rest of your followers hiding in the shadows," Josie replied.

"We are not here to fight unless that action cannot be avoided. I am here because we fight on the same side, Josie."

"Haven't we heard this tune before, Commander? Same shite, different day," Oghren growled.

"I'm the Advocate," the darkspawn emissary said.

Josie shook her head. "Why don't you things ever have normal names?"

"Like Bob or Jake," Mason added.

"What's the deal with all the adverbs?" Josie asked.

"The names are selected according to our purpose," the Advocate stated.

"So you're the Advocate, what exactly are you advocating?" Alistair asked.

"An alliance," the Advocate declared.

"Sorry, I'm done making deals with darkspawn. It didn't work out so well the last time. You could ask the Architect about that… oh right you can't 'cause he's dead by my blade."

"That was a most unfortunate incident, but inevitable. The Architect lost his way and in doing so forgot the purpose of why he was created," the Advocate stated.

"Besides being one ugly son of bitch he had a purpose," Oghren grunted.

"Yes, to protect the Old Gods. He became too caught up in trying to eradicate the Old God's calling that he lost sight of the main objective, which is never to allow the darkspawn to find the last two Old Gods."

"And how exactly was he supposed to do that?" Josie asked.

"Flemeth, she had an ancient ritual that would silence the Old God's song from the darkspawn so that they wouldn't seek them out. With no song to drive the darkspawn, they would cease to have purpose, they would begin to fight amongst themselves eventually killing each other off."

"But there is obviously a fraction that doesn't want the ritual to take place, hence all the fighting, but why is this infighting taking place on the surface?" Alistair asked.

"When the witch and the Architect were working together they performed a blood magic ritual that allows the more intelligent emissaries to track her, but she also has the ability to track us too. When we sense her both fractions seek her out. My side so that she can perform the ritual on the Old Gods and the other to kill her before she can."

"So are the sites where these battles are taking place where you have sensed Flemeth's presence?"

"Yes," the Advocate said.

"Why is she back in Ferelden?"

"I am unsure. Her movements are erratic, but lately she seems to be appearing in locations near you."

"Near Josie, but why?" Alistair asked.

"I am unsure. I find her behavior very curious and perplexing," the Advocate stated.

"This makes no sense. Hawke took that amulet of hers to Kirkwall while I was still fighting the Blight. Why would she start tracking my movements when I arrived in the Free Marches?"

"Again, I have no answer for that. I only know that when you arrived in Kirkwall, her presence became more frequent, and then it disappeared for a time, but reappeared back in Ferelden not far from Vigil's Keep."

"What do you want from me?" Josie asked.

"That you make yourself accessible to the Witch of the Wilds so that she can seek you out if that is what she is trying to do. When we sense her, we will come to your aid immediately. Do we have an alliance, Commander?"

"Don't do it, Josie. You know better than to trust them," Alistair warned.

"I will need to think on what you have told me and do some research of my own before I can give you an answer," Josie replied.

"A wise decision, but don't wait too long. We don't know why she is here or how long she will stay." The Advocate said as he stepped back into the dark cover of the woods. The Wardens felt the darkspawn taint grow fainter and fainter until it was gone completely.

"How are you going to research this?" Alistair asked.

"I have no fucking idea, but I had to buy us some time. If I turned him down and they attacked, we were easily outnumbered four to one" Josie said as she sat down on a log.

"This conspiracy between Flemeth and the Architect just keeps getting stranger and stranger," Alistair said as he sat down beside her.

"Tell me about," Josie said as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"On the bright-side, my deadly goddess, at least this one didn't seem interested in your blood," Zevran said as he sat down on the other side of her.

"Thank the Maker for small favors," Josie sighed as she rested her head against Zevran's shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Jo." Alistair said as he laid a reassuring hand on her knee. "We will find a way to get to the bottom of this. We always do."

She smiled at him and rested her hand on top of his. "Yes we do!"

A/N - A huge thank you to those of you who have favored, alerted and reviewed this story. You always bring a smile to my face and make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts so please continue sharing your views and feelings with me.

* A huge spankalicous thank you to my fanfreckintastic beta, Bonkzy, for her rad, mad beta-ing skills. Thank you for always being there and being so supportive. You're the best!