Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: The Ties That Bind
Rating: M
Pairing: Hannah/Dixie, ?/?
Summary: Sequel to Moving On, Hannah and Dixie are about to get married, what events will follow?
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any characters or parts you may recognise from the TV show Casualty, all original characters and the story are mine and I do not give permission for them to be used.
A/N: There will be some femslash in this story, if you do not wish to read it then by all means leave the way you came, other than that, enjoy. I think there's a Casualty episode that is called the ties that bind, this story is nothing to do with that episode. Reviews are welcome :)
Thank you to chan. nelson444, olivia. c. king1 and beethovenRIP for your lovely reviews and support so far. I am happy that you are still reading this story.
I think it is going to be a very bumpy ride...
Chapter Twenty-One.
It had been a couple of days since Jeff had told Dixie that he was unable to help her and Hannah have a baby. He felt that he had made the right decision, mainly due to the fact that he had so much going on in his head that he didn't feel able to give Hannah and Dixie the support that they would need. If he had agreed to be their donor then he would have wanted to be there for them and help them out whenever they needed him and he didn't feel able to give them that time right now. Then there was the other things that he had been thinking about, Hannah's reputation for one. If it got out that she was carrying his child then she would be subject to gossip and people whispering things about her behind her back, he didn't want that to happen. It would be hard enough when she was pregnant with Dixie's baby by a sperm donor, Jeff knew that some people would not approve of two women raising a child together. He had heard enough comments about Dixie and Hannah's relationship to know that there would be some of the staff that thought it was unnatural and they shouldn't be able to have a child. Hannah and Dixie would be excellent parents, Jeff hoped that the views of certain people wouldn't spoil what should be a happy time for them. A child being born to two loving parents should always be a cause for celebration. He often wondered what the problem was with some people and why they were intent on making others unhappy with their unkind comments and jibes.
Jeff sighed, Dixie had looked sad after he had told her his decision. There were times when he regretted turning her down and he wondered if he should have put his feelings aside and agreed to help her have the child she had always wanted. What if Hannah and Dixie couldn't find a suitable donor and Dixie missed out on her chance of being a mother? It would be his fault if that happened and he would have let her down twice. What if Dixie decided that she didn't want to be his friend because he had turned her down? Could their friendship survive the decision that he had made? Dixie said that she didn't hate him in any way, he hoped it was true as he didn't want to lose her as a friend. Jeff rested his head against the side window of the ambulance and he sighed again, he had been thinking a lot about the consequences that his decision might have for Dixie and Hannah. There was a large part of Jeff that didn't feel worthy of being Dixie's friend. His thoughts drifted towards the many times that Dixie had helped him, she had been there for him and picked him up whenever he had been having a tough time. Dixie had been his rock and she very rarely asked him for anything in return. Asking him to be her donor had been one of the few times that she had asked him for anything and he had turned her down. 'What kind of a friend am I?' Jeff muttered to himself. He'd asked himself that question many times in the past few days and he didn't like the answer that came to mind whenever he thought about it.
Dixie occupied herself with paying for the items that she had picked up in the shop, sitting with Jeff in the ambulance on their break was becoming stifling, she needed to get out and breathe for a few moments. She had watched him closely without him knowing it for a while and it became obvious that he was struggling with his decision. Jeff had always found it very easy to blame himself for things and right now all of the guilt that he was feeling was in his eyes every time that she looked at him. Dixie knew that she was going to have to talk to Jeff, she didn't want him beating himself up over his decision. She picked up the things she had bought and then she went back to the ambulance, Jeff sat up the minute that she got in her side and he looked at her. Dixie started the engine and she drove them to somewhere a bit quieter so that she could talk to him. Once she got to a quiet street she stopped the ambulance and she took out the chocolate that she had bought, she broke a piece off and held it out to Jeff. 'Thanks Dix,' he said quietly as he took it.
'You're welcome.' Dixie ate her own piece of chocolate and then she looked at Jeff. 'The fertility clinic have given us an appointment for this Friday.'
'Oh, okay.'
'I think it is just going to be a consultation and they'll give us some information. We've chosen a clinic that specialises in same sex couples.'
'Dix?'
'Yeah?'
'I am sorry, if I had agreed then you would be well on your way to having a baby now.'
'Jeff, you don't have to keep apologising to me. I think you've said it enough.'
'I don't feel like I have, my decision has set you and Hannah back quite a bit.'
'Honestly, it's all right.' Dixie wished that Jeff would stop apologising to her, she knew that he felt guilty and that was why he kept apologising. It made her sad to think that her best friend was feeling so guilty. Jeff had been quiet and not himself since he had told her his decision, it had been a little awkward between them since they had talked and Dixie didn't want to lose Jeff because of the decision he had made. She was at a loss of how to make things better between them, it was difficult to talk to Jeff when he was in this mood.
Polly and Hannah returned to the station after they had dropped of their patient at the hospital so that they could restock and then get themselves something to eat. The mood in the station had been sombre and Polly wanted to help her friends. 'Hannah, how is everything going?'
'Honestly, I don't know. Dixie is starting to feel a bit better and we have made an appointment with the fertility clinic as you know. She's worried about Jeff though, he keeps apologising for not being able to help us with having a baby. He has been quiet and he always looks guilty. Dixie just wants her friend back again, she wants Jeff to be himself and stop feeling so guilty. I do think that she wishes she hadn't asked him to be our donor.'
'They will sort it out, they've been through a lot worse together.'
'Of course they will.'
'How are you feeling about it all?'
'I just want to give Dixie the chance to be a mum, she deserves it. We had a long talk about children and Dixie told me everything about how she has always wanted to have a child. She's always hoped that she would find someone that would stick with her for life, someone that she could raise a child with. I am glad that I can be the person that gives her that.'
'Dixie has always been a romantic, she denies it, but, I know that she has always wanted to find love. She used to worry that she would be alone for life.'
'I'm not going to let that happen.'
'Of course you won't.'
'I do think that it is going to be a bumpy road, IVF can sometimes fail and we're going to have to keep trying until I fall pregnant.'
'Let's hope it doesn't happen too often.'
'I know what you mean, I would hate to see the disappointed look on Dixie's face if it happened a few times.' Polly smiled at Hannah, she was trying to be encouraging and supportive towards all of her friends. She had thought that Jeff would agree to Dixie's request for help for a while, but, she truly understood the reasons why he couldn't do it. It looked like it would be a while before he was back to his usual self and over the guilt that he was feeling.
Hannah had sat with Dixie and they had gone through a list of questions that they wanted to ask the consultant and prepared themselves for the meeting that they would have at the clinic on Friday. The clinic worked solely with same sex couples and were known for their excellent results. Hannah understood Dixie's longing to be a mum, to have a child that she could look after and love. Their baby would be very well looked after and loved, Dixie was the best person to be a mum, her loving and caring nature was there for everyone to see. Hannah had promised Dixie that she would carry her baby and she would see that promise through until the day that he or she was born. It was going to be a long road for them both, a lot of it would rely on patience and that was something that Dixie seemed to struggle with. Hannah hoped that Dixie wouldn't be too disheartened if the IVF didn't work right away. She hadn't told her dad that she planned to have a baby with Dixie, she was waiting for the right time. Maybe once she was pregnant then she would tell him, she wasn't sure what to do for the best. Keeping it until then meant that there would be one less person that was hoping and worrying over how soon she would get pregnant. On the other hand, he really would want to know that they were starting fertility treatment. Hannah decided that she would wait until they had been to the clinic and she would make a decision whether or not to tell her dad once she had more idea of what was happening and what the process would entail.
Dixie pulled into the station, Jeff would still apologise to her every so often and it was beginning to get on her nerves. She was nervous about the appointment with the clinic and having Jeff acting all guilty and quiet around her wasn't making her feel any better. What if the clinic told her that she was too old and that IVF wouldn't work for her? Would Hannah leave her for someone younger that could have a baby? Dixie shook her head, Hannah wouldn't leave her, she had married her after all. Hannah had promised to stay with her for life. Dixie knew that Hannah was genuine when she said that she loved her; it was in her voice, her hugs and her kisses. The life she had made with Hannah wouldn't end, she was sure of it. They would go through the process and one day she would hold her baby in her arms. Dixie had her own worries and she longed to talk about them with Jeff, but, he was so caught up in his guilt that she didn't feel able to, she didn't want to put more pressure on him at the moment. She could feel herself getting more and more despondent around Jeff, what did he need her to do to help him feel better? Dixie was trying her hardest to keep her temper under control, it was getting harder by the day and she knew it was only a matter of time before someone annoyed her and she lost control over it. Dixie got out of the ambulance and she went into the rec room to get herself a glass of water, she needed a few minutes to herself so she could get her thoughts and feelings under control.
Polly noticed the tension that existed between Jeff and Dixie, she wondered if they had managed to talk or sort anything out. Dixie looked worried and so did Jeff, they were probably worried about each other and it was only a matter of time before it all came spilling out. Polly didn't want to interfere too much, they had to work it out between themselves and clear the air. She'd seen them like this before, it had led to an argument and they had hugged and made up soon afterwards. Polly didn't usually like arguments, but, it was how Jeff and Dixie dealt with things. They would argue and in the argument came out all of the things that they needed to talk about. It didn't look like it would be long before they argued and then hopefully they would be able to get their friendship back on track once more.