Amazing 301 reviews ! you guys are fabulous thank you. I have to apologise for not updating soon, it has been killing me not too but life has suddenly gotten busy. Also writing this chapter has been very hard, I have had to many ideas and putting them together was difficult and i just went blank because of that. I hope you all stick around . Thank you for your reviews and following y'all are troopers.

So please do not be confused with this chapter, it tries to explain why things are happening as they are. it is in Jace's POV there are flashbacks hope you don't get lost.

Enjoy :)

Disclaimer/: Cassie Claire owns, just a huge fan.

"Jace" Tessa shook me, "Wake up come on, we have to go", "Far out Jace we have to go wake up" Tessa half screamed in my ear. Slowly I pried my eyes open, blinking a few times so I could adjust to the fluorescent lighting above me.

My brain quickly assessabled together and I remembered, I look down quickly and my hand still lay in hers. I cringed internally at the colour differences between us, hers as white as a sheet of paper as though no blood ran through her veins no more, mine golden tan and alive.

I quickly ran a hand in my hair and looked towards her again, smiling at her I brushed her hair away from her face. Then let my hand rests on her cheek wishing she would open her eyes. "Hey, lover boy we have to go" Tessa popped her head in the room having moved near the door entrance. "Jace, seriously his down the hall way, come on" she panicked.

I kissed Clary's forehead and quickly mumbled a goodbye. "Bloody hell Jace" she yelled, "Get in the bathroom, get in there I will txt you when they are distracted" she said eyeing the door to the bathroom just as we heard voices moving down the corridor.

"Shit" I heard her say as I locked the door to the bathroom. Placing my ear on the door so I could hear what was going on as the door to the room opened.

"Tessa, what are you doing here" I heard Jocelyn say surprised to probably find someone with Clary.

"I thought I would visit today, is that okay" Tessa asked.

"Offcourse, your always welcome you know that."

"Just going to use the bathroom" I heard a deeper voice announce then. Shit I thought there was no were really to hide in here.

"Ah … ah I wouldn't do that" I heard Tessa stumble, making me smile internally. "Why is that" it must have been Jon. "I had a bit of an upset stomach and …" she mumbled, she was learning well from William.

"Okay, it wont matter I will be in and out quick" he persuaded.

"No" her voice squeaked this she only did when she lied and was trying hard too, "Please use the downstairs I wouldn't want to embarrass myself as I have already done so" she grumbled on.

It was silent for a moment as I continued to listen on, I could not imagine what he would do if he saw me here. "If she dies Herondale consider yourself dead too" I remembered his last words to me so well. That was the last time I was seen in this hospital with my true identity, without having to hide myself.

"Jon" I heard his mother say "just use the one downstairs we were headed that way anyways, Dr Carstairs needed to talk to us" I heard them retreating and moments later a text message popped on my phone. *Leave now to the left wing meet there, Tessa*.

Without another word I slowly lifted the door handle. Clary still looked poise as before not having moved an inch or so. That's what the coma had done to her made her look as though she was gone but deep down I knew she was still there.

Turning I closed her door as quietly as possible. Walking swiftly I nearly ran over a nurse on the corner. "Sorry" I muttered and kept walking.

In the left wing, the waiting room I searched for faces hoping to find Tessa's. Then behind me someone pulled my arm. "Come on" she muttered under her breath and ushered us around corridors till we were outside near the car.

"That" Tessa breathed hard placing her hands on her knees, "Am not doing again". "You ought to sort your shit out Jonathan, stop risking you or me, soon they will ban me too" she yelled. "I can not do this anymore" she shouted getting in the car.

Whilst I had been banned to see Clary for the past week and half, Tessa with the help of Jem had been helping to sneak me in and out to see her. We had this argument the first time we nearly got caught but I think this time she was done. Slowly I got in the car and waited for her, till she started the car.

o.o.o

My body sagged on the counter as I dropped my keys and wallet on it. It was late and I was tired, hurt and bruised all because I was trying to be there for the girl who had opened my eyes. "Ugh" I sighed I needed to talk to Tessa, she was helping me keep tabs since Jonathan happened to never leave his mothers side, who never left her daughters side and I had stopped sneaking around there.

My head snapped up and my eyes wandered in the dark of our kitchen as I heard the noise approaching – someone walking swiftly towards the room I was in. "You asshole", "are you not ashamed" he yelled throwing a punch towards my face that I boldly caught like a ball in my palm, I twisted his hand then but he managed to throw another one towards my gut which I managed to catch again.

Both his fist in my hands I looked at the strangers face with the little light that was reflecting from the moon, red and blotched like he had been crying for hours on end. "I do not take kindly to being assaulted in my own home" I whispered through tight lips. "You have seconds to leave my home, or explain who you are Sherwin" I murmured a small smirk resting on my lips', this home break in could benefit me, I needed to smash something.

"You bloody Idiot" he yelled pushing and thrusting against me whilst I held his fist. Sighing deeply I looked away and tried to count to ten slowly one… two … three… "Ass—" he was about to say as I pushed him hard away from me and prepared to gut him in the face.

"Jace", "Jace stop" Tessa half yelled turning on the lights in the kitchen. I stood mid stance, until I was able to focus on the boy in front of me. "This piece of shit just broke in our house, calling me names and shit and you want me to stop" I looked at her irritated, how did she and Will ever end up together complete polar bloody opposites, I thought as I raged inside.

"I know, I know" Tessa whispered her hands in front of her. "But this 'piece of shit'" she rephrased rolling her eyes, "Is actually Clary's bestfriend" she tried to emphasize her point like I am missing something.

"Simon" Isabelle rushes into the room; I straighten my body feeling bad.

"Simon" I ask looking pointedly at Tessa, the name had a ring to it.

"Yes, remember him" she nodded her shoulders sagging down; "Whom I told to be rational when he saw you" she looked at him now.

He was about to protest as he tried getting up from the ground "Are you hurt" Isabelle asked putting her hands around him to help him up. "No, no let me go" he shook her off stumbling to get up. "Tess, is usually correct about her boys" Izzy muttered looking at her struggling friend.

Simon muffled some inaudible words, his voice sounding exasperated, "I know" he muttered quietly. I finally looked at my company and saw how dead all of them looked, the same emotions I wore on my face reflected back to me but this time it was different there was much more. "What's wrong" my voice came out quiet and raspy, scared even.

Tessa looked around before she spoke, Isabelle and Simon still hung their heads. I don't think I had seen Izzy look like that ever. "We have a crisis, well yeah –" she said nodding her head then taking a long breath before wiping a tear that escaped.

"What crisis" I choked out, this was also the first time I had actually responded to her caring about what she said. What other crisis could there be more than the one I was already suffering from.

"Malachi" I asked her but she shook her head, I remember vaguely asking her to keep an eye out but she would have told me if anything was wrong, right?

"No" Tessa shook her head again, "But Cla…" she was about to say Clary but I shook my head not wanting to believe it. It was only a few days ago I had snuck in to see.

"No", "No" I whispered my voice getting louder, what was it this time she was still lying in a coma that much wasn't new.

.

"Shh, Will and Jamie are sleeping" she muttered raising her head. "If you had not been avoiding me lately, I could have updated you with her condition", "I know you want to be there beside her that's why you spend all your time in the meadow right" I looked away as she spoke. "Jace, you are not alone in this pain, I love Clary too, and don't say you don't, I know you do, I have lost people too and …".

"What do you mean lost people, she's, she's not de…" I couldn't let myself say it why were we having this discussion, late at night like this; I shuddered suddenly feeling very ill.

"Jonathan" Tessa called sharply. "Get a hold of yourself, from what I know is that tomorrow maybe, no tonight maybe the last chance to say goodbye".

"What do you mean goodbye, are they moving her" I asked, hoping she was better. "You are one funny kid, a moment ago you thought she was gone and now you are saying are they moving her" she muttered, but I didn't respond.

"There has been no improvement, they are not sure –" Tessa whispered shaking her head and letting tears escape her eyes again. "They … they turn off her machines tomorrow" Simon muttered finding his voice. My head turned sharply at him, I felt like throwing a cup to silence him.

"Not funny" I muttered feeling serious. But no one responded, their heads bowed. Looking at all of them again, and finding those blank stares I finally knew what had changed. I looked straight ahead feeling empty, my stomach tight I felt hungry really hungry all of a sudden, my eye sight blanked nothing but floating colours and I was falling –.

Flash back:

Body shaking from the cold and shock nothing seemed real at the moment I was a dad and Clary was awake. I couldn't follow what was going on, I couldn't even imagine how it was possible that they managed to revive her. From the moment the paramedic had shouted he had a heart beat, her heart was beating again. "Weak and slow, but we have a heartbeat" he yelled making me remove myself from my slumber.

When I did manage to stand and see for myself, the elevator doors where closing with her in them. I didn't think as my legs moved for me, running down thirty flights of stairs at an impossible speed I didn't know I could reach, I couldn't let myself catch a breath as I tried to reach them.

Now standing frozen on the double doors that automatically closed and opened, I tried to search for them, I was too late. Lifting my hand to cover my self from the battering wind and rain I stepped outside. No signs of them, where had they taken her my body shook.

When I finally spotted the ambulance flashing lights near the undercover car park I rushed to it. My shirt and pants stuck to me as the rain gushed down, my hair flattened on my face, I brushed it off to the side so my face and eyes could be free. "You have to let me in" I yelled to the ambulance driver when I finally reached him, there was no way she was leaving without me.

"Are you family" He yelled back, half closing the doors. Why would he ask such a ridiculous question at this point of time? "No, I" I yelled, but he was about to protest. "I am her, …" I tried to say quickly, I dropped my gaze to the ground I felt numb, what was I to Clary. "This is ridiculous just let me in" I muttered instead.

"Let him in" I turned my head as Jem rushed towards us, "Let him in" he yelled again jumping into the back. I followed him and William squeezed next to me. I looked to Jem with the child in his hands. "Let me" I muttered motioning to hold him.

"Are you sure" he asked, I looked down my hands shaking then looked up and nodded. He stood wobbling a bit and handed me the child. Covered in all sorts of towels to keep him warm he looked at peace. I looked at him in my arms; he certainly looked like his mother I think. I shook my head and took a glimpse at Clary if she was in pain I wouldn't know her face was so poised.

Her chest rose slowly, up and down keeping a steady rhythm. "Will she make it through" I asked the paramedic, fear laced in my voice. "If there are no other complications, looks like internal bleeding at the moment" he whispered getting up again. "She seems to be in and out of consciousness". I let one hand hold Malachi and the other I wrapped around Clary's own arm, lacing my fingers with hers.

"Well done to you" the paramedic eyed me, "If you hadn't worked on her the way you did, she may not be here with us" he nodded. I simply swallowed and nodded my head. It still meant nothing she was not awake, she had not held her son yet so my job to protect her and get her out was not yet done.

The ambulance stopped then and the driver opened our door, we all jump out quickly. My eyes looked up in appreciation of the undercover area, no rain to pelt us again.

Taking the child from my arms Jem yelled "Update me on the mothers condition" just as he turned into the hospital carrying Malachi, whilst the paramedics rushed with Clary in the opposite direction.

I stood still in the middle.

"Go where you need to be" William whispered coming next to me.

"Ple…ase" I muttered my voice trembling, and my eyes looked pointedly after Jem. "Don't worry, I will handle that side, just go and be beside her" I gave Will a small nod and followed after the medics.

"Jocelyn, William, Jocelyn" I yelled over my shoulder as I kept running, I thought saw him nod hoping he got my memo to notify Clarissa's mother.

o.o.o

They wouldn't let me in the scanning room despite my protest, so I stood outside one of my legs resting on the wall and my hands deep in my pockets. Whilst I stood there I tried memorising the last time Clary smiled, purely smiled out of joy with me, but I could not find a single moment. I must have been poison to her. I looked up as I heard commotion in the room.

"ER 2 is ready, now, now" I heard a nurse shout going into the scanning room, the next moment Clary was being willed away to ER2. I followed closely behind. "Mr Herondale you can not go any further" a nurse blocked my way.

"Move" I yelled at her, but she continued to block the way. Instead I was lead to a waiting room where I was the only person there. Closing my eyes and trying to see her face shine. Tears stung my eyes; this was my entire fault only if I had been a better person. Only if I had seen her when I came back, only if, only if … I had been better to her, cared for what she cared the most.

I don't know how long I sat there contemplating on the if's. At moments I would pace up and down the waiting room hoping to hear something soon. I kept asking every medic that walked in and out about her but no one gave me any information.

"No" I yelled standing up rushly, "No" I screamed when I felt I had, had enough. I went to punch the wall only to bruise my hand.

"That's not going to help much" I heard a woman's voice, soft but fierce.

I turned around and spot Jocelyn standing on the door way, quickly I wiped my tears off my face as I stood to look at her, she looked so much like Clary, this I had never noticed.

"Surely, Clarissa wouldn't want you to be like this" she murmured. I could not find words to say what I felt right now so I nodded. "You should have brought her home like you promised" her voice dipped low, laced with venom.

"You should have stayed away the moment you ever saw her in fact, you should never have touched my daughter, you had three months Jonathan to be a man and now you want to be when she is dying, I hope your heart rots with the same pain you conflicted on her, if anything happens to her you will be accountable Jonathan Herondale" she screamed at me, "I never want to see you near my grandson, yours or not" she said, glaring at me and going to sit at one of the chairs furthest away from me. I could not respond because it was true.

I spotted Tessa standing near the entrance; looking away I collapsed on a chair and silently let my tears submerge me in my guilt. We did not hear anything from the doctors for hours, until he came through the double doors.

"Clarissa Fairchild's family" he said, Jocelyn and I stood up together but she glared at me putting me in my place. "We just had to operate on the internal bleeding, we hope she will recover within the next few hours or days, if not we may have to place her in a coma to reduce the swelling" I heard him say to her.

"For now she is going into intensive care unit, you may see her after some minutes only close family members please" I saw Jocelyn glare at me one more time before she started moving. I guess that was a no for me.

"Tessa" she called out and they headed out of the waiting room together. I followed a few minutes later; only to get a glimpse. The machines beeped slowly indicating she was still alive. Malachi would have his mother.

I am not sure how long I sat outside her room looking at her in the mirror, a big part of me praying for a miracle. Hoping to see the shine in her eyes again. Jocelyn never bothered with me again, as she left and came back to her daughter.

o.o.o

The only time I did leave was to clean myself, because Will had complained I was stinking the place up, so when the storm had finally died down I had left. I didn't bother go back to the home I shared with Tessa and Will. I simply went to my loft and came back to the hospital feeling like a zombie.

I done all I could, just sit outside her room since I wasn't permitted to go in. it was day two she just lay there motionless, and only the sound of the machine reassuring everyone she was still here with us.

I had strayed far away from Malachi, I could not bear to see him right now when I felt guilty, I had helped bring him into this world, but had also helped take his mother out of it. Tessa had begged I see him, but I couldn't face myself to do it.

Running my hands in my hair and half closing my eyes, I looked down where I sat. "You have the nerve don't you" someone shouted down the corridor.

"You have the bloody nerve to sit there, you are not welcome" they yelled much closer this time.

When I managed to look up the light blinding my eyes, I felt a fist connect with my jaw. "You prude, how dare you sit there, how dare you sit there like your innocent" the man yelled, throwing another punch to my face. My head hit the wall and sent me staggering back I deserved it I guess.

Crouching into my knees as I fell off the chair, I couldn't find the energy to retaliate. "She's dying and all you could do is watch her" Jon choked on his breathe as he spoke, "How dare you" his voice got lower. I peaked at him, pale and a mass of white hair he really looked nothing like her, but only his eyes reflected Clary.

I saw him withdraw his arm back to throw another punch until someone caught his hand. William stood in front of me crouched as well. "Are you okay" I heard him yell, but his voice echoed and everything echoed with him. "Get out of my way" Jon was yelling, "He needs a good beating, asshole you should have brought her home like you promised."

"If she dies Herondale consider yourself dead too" he yelled as Jem and his mother pushed him away into Clary's room.

"Bro, wake up" William tapped my hand, "We need to go Jace, come on" he said placing my hand around his shoulders.

"Clary needs me, let me go Will I have to be there for her" I tried to say as he dragged me away, "they have to let me see her right, at some point they have to" I murmured tears stinging my eyes. "Yes, and you need to lie down" Will said.

"She needs me –" I tried to shout over the ringing in my ears, my legs staggered to the ground, then my head plunked on the wall before I could hear Will's response.

End of flashback:

"Get some water, get some water" Tessa hissed, "This is not the time Isabelle, have you not seen a man who has ever fainted before."

"Come on Tess, have you ever seen a Herondale faint" I heard her retaliate, sounding alive.

"Bloody hell, Jace you need to get it together did you eat at all today" she hissed in my ear ignoring the other girl.

Slowly my eyes opened, the light flooding them and making me squint. Trying to sit up I pushed Tessa's outstretched arms away. "I… I have to see her… I have to see her" I began to say just as my tears rolled down my eyes, I could not live with the fear of losing her yet again.

"I know" she said simply, "I know, she's simply not improving Jace they have to do what's best for her, her body is beginning to shut down on her".

"Why are you only telling me this now" I asked, "We could find a specialist." I suggested.

"Since you asked me to look out for her you haven't been very responsive have you, haven't even gone to see your child" she grumbled.

"You know exactly why I haven't been there" I muttered looking up at her, feeling shamed for not trying hard enough either.

"I know, but you could have tried, you're a Herondale" Tessa said simply, "Remember what Imogen always says, we Herondale's are honourable" I rolled my eyes at her statement.

"You do know grams is shonky at times right" I say, "Why are these two here anyways" I asked nodding towards Simon who still looked mad and Isabelle who was still getting me water. "They just landed from New York and came straight here, after they had seen Clary" I nodded quickly understanding why Simon had the courage to try beating me, everyone was mad at me.

"Where are you going" Tessa asked as I got up. "To see Clarissa offcourse" I muttered as though it was obvious. "No your not" Simon spoke up. "And why not" I asked cocking my head to the side.

"You're the reason she is lying on that hospital bed, I am sure she wouldn't want your there on her last few hours" Simon sighed heavily taking a harsh breathe in, "If you had left her alone in the first place she – she may still be here with us" he growled, I looked at him once not sure how to respond.

"Can Jem help" I asked turning to Tessa, ignoring the fuming boy. "What do you have in mind" she asked, "and I am not helping you steal her body" she raised her hands up. I scoffed looking at her, "No I am going to see her … if its for the last time – I could use your help one last time" I muttered, a large part of me debating that it was not yet her time to go.

o.o.o

"Are you sure about this" Tessa asked standing with me on the hospital entrance. I nodded my head, I had to say goodbye at east if I could not hide her away. "I have to do it alone, I … I have to say goodbye alone" I whispered my voice raw. I began to walk away from Tessa.

"Jace" she called making a few people look at us. Running up to me she brought me in a hug. "I know I would never be a substitute for Celine, but she would be proud, they both would be proud of the person you have become. This will probably be one of the toughest things you have to do saying goodbye to her, but knowing Clary she would be smiling down at you" she said rubbing my back.

"I am sorry" she mumbled tears springing to her eyes then quickly turned and left the building in a haze. My feet turned slowly in the direction of the elevator. I felt nervous, but I felt calm too what would I say to her. Would she ever forgive me for giving up so easily?

Maybe I could take my chances and steal her for myself, Tessa would never help me, no one would, I really had to let her go. As the elevator arrived to her floor I took several moments and finally I made a move towards her room. No one bothered me despite how late it was in the hospital. But someone was already in her room, making me tense.

Opening the door I was faced with Jem. "Jace" he whispered his eyes looking relieved to see me, and next to him was the baby carriage I had asked him to bring. "All yours" he whispered, "You have all night before anyone notices anything, just call me if you need anything" he smiled, touching my arm as he walked out.

My feet trudged to the baby's nursery. Looking down I saw Clary's eyes reflect back to mine. "Hey little guy" I whispered picking him up. "Lets say hi to mommy" I smiled carefully placing my hands around him. I knew no one had, had the courage to bring Malachi to his mother so I had requested Jem do this one thing for me let my son meet his mother.

The little guy cooed in my arms, and nestled his head on my shoulder. I smiled at the gesture, we hadn't spent much time together but he sure was a Herondale, strong.

I placed myself on a chair next to her bed. "Clary" I muttered, when I felt comfortable, "I am not sure if you can even hear us" I pause to let my self breathe. "And yes us Malachi and myself" I told her, "Tomorrow they plan to shut your machines of my dear Clary and I am sorry I didn't fight harder to be by your side, but I do believe your still there please come back to us."

"I hope you find it within you to forgive me please" I whispered feeling overwhelmed.

"If I could swap places with you I would, and I would dream about you the whole time. I never got to tell you but you changed me, and brought me peace" I paused again feeling overwhelmed. "For a long time I couldn't forgive myself for my parents, or talk about them but with you I found the peace to do so and to finally let go of that guilt".

"Now I hold our son in my arms, he is gorgeous Clary we made one heck of a little guy and I hope he will grow to be more like you imaginative, kind and courageous" I whispered taking her hand and placing it on her child's heart beat, "Do you feel that strong and steady" I whispered to her.

"I do not believe this is goodbye, but seeing you suffer as so hurts and I know I must let you go" I muttered looking down and away, "I remember the day I walked into java jones and your cheeks glowed a bight red, yours eyes shined too, and every time I returned I always wanted to see you but you were never there" I smiled to myself remembering how fun it felt to arouse someone just by being in their presence.

"Then you walked into pandemonium, all innocent and shy and I had been in such a bad mood yet you still found the courage to speak to me. I offered the chance to dance and possibly distract myself, and you willingly took the opportunity"

"At first I was just there because all our friends had gone, but you started to move against me and my hands laid on your body it felt like a frenzy, but it felt different a trip I had taken with other girls before I knew it too well but you were different, that's why I asked you to leave. I had numerous times to stop us but I didn't" I say my mind travelling back to the glorious night I shared with her.

"Do you remember knocking the drink on your kitchen bench and having to second guess which one was your room"

"I still remember how your hands stilled against me when you finally managed to remove my shirt and how incredibly shy you became in front me when you were bare, and how beat red you turned when you had to admit you were a virgin, I knew but I had planned to drive you crazy enough, until you admitted it."

" 'No attachments needed, just for fun' you smiled reaching your lips against mine, and I remember thinking how confident you became when you stripped me off" I laugh at the memory, "I wish we could make those memories again" I whispered.

"I always did mean it when I said you were beautiful, you really are beautiful inside and out and I can not imagine what you went through in those past nine months. I am glad that foil ripped and you lied about being on the pill" I cringed at the memory and how she had desperately explained herself.

"Because now it has brought me the greatest joy, Malachi. You have to see him Clary his as beautiful as you are" I whispered tears finally escaping my eyes, as I looked down at the boy lying on my legs. "I hope you find your way back to us, we need you, he needs you. I hope to do what's right before you that's if Jon doesn't kill me first" I smile remembering her brothers never ending threats.

I laid my head on the side of her bed, whilst my free arm held her hand tightly. "I wish we had attachments" I whisper, " Come back to us, I want to show you the world, I want to be your world Clarissa if you will let me, we want you to be our world Malachi and I" I murmured closing my eyes and finally catching a break, I was were I wanted and needed to be.

See what i did with the title there.

Clary is still fighting, Malachi and Jace are fighting with her too.

What do you all think, tell me how y'll feel please.

So in this chapter to explain if your confused a mini timeline:

- In the beginning Jace is hiding to see Clary

- In the flashback its when they left the building where he worked

- then its back to the present days after he nearly got caught.

I changed star bucks where Clary worked to Java Jones - something that is actually in the book.

Will try update soon, please don't ask when but soon won't be long.