Lost

A/N: I had a rough day this past week, and this is what happened. Writing is the best therapy, at least for me. :)

Sirius was scared, not that he was going to let that show, but he was scared. They'd been on a recon mission, he, Marlene, Benjy, and Moody, when Death Eaters had come out of the walls of the house they were in. Now they had to get out while being attacked on all sides by eight or so masked cowards. Sirius felt he had a right to be scared.

Marlene had her back pressed against his as they fought their way to the door. Benjy and Moody held a similar position and we're a few steps in front of them. Sirius kept telling himself that with Moody leading them, they'd get out of anything. The man was invincible, he was sure of it.

Sirius deflected spell after spell and after what seemed like an eternity he realized they were finally in the entryway. They were going to be alright, they were going to make it out. That realization seemed to give Sirius a second wind and he attacked with more fervor. He flung a spell at one of the attackers, knocking their mask from their face.

"Reg?"

Sirius froze, as did Regulus, starting at each other with wide eyes. Sirius felt as old as Dumbledore at that moment, and Reg looked as young as a first-year Hogwarts student. Nothing made sense. He knew Reg had been a sympathizer, his whole bloody family was, but he held out hope that Reg wouldn't actually fight for the wrong side.

"Sirius!"

Marlene's scream brought him back as she deflected a spell that he'd missed from one of the other cowards. Then she grabbed his hand and they bolted outside, Apparating away to safety.

Once they were sure they hadn't brought any enemies along, Moody cleared everyone to Apparate to headquarters. Sirius felt numb as they went through their debrief. He barely even noticed that Marlene was holding his hand through the whole thing. No words processed as everyone spoke, and he was unable to form words to respond to anything. Sirius was vaguely aware of Marlene pulling him to stand. He thought he felt Benjy and Moody clasp his shoulder in turn, but only because the pressure of their hands kept him from moving forward. Marlene slid her arm around his waist, but that felt disconnected too. He followed her out of headquarters and let her Apparate them home.

Except, he didn't land outside their flat building, they landed in the field that they would normally ride the bike out to. Sirius had to admit, he probably wouldn't have noticed they weren't home if he hadn't landed next to a deer and spooked the animal into running the other direction.

"Sirius," Marlene's voice felt so distant, so far away from where his mind was. He wasn't even sure if she was still touching him.

"Sirius," her hands found his face, and even that felt odd, detached. But then his gray eyes met her ice blue ones and suddenly he was back, and it hurt.

It. Hurt. Like. Hell.

His chest ached with the same excruciating pain it had when his mother had blown him off the tapestry. He couldn't breathe, breaths coming in short gasps as he tried to fill his lungs. His vision blurred with unshed tears, the lump in his throat making it even harder to take air. Finally, he collapsed to the ground, unable to stand as the world swayed in front of him.

He could feel Marlene's arms wrapped around him, clinging to him as he shuddered.

"I love you," she whispered again and again and again. Her voice was the only thing that let him know he hadn't yet passed out from his shallow breathing.

He didn't pass out, but his body did eventually run out of steam. Exhausted, he collapsed against her, his breathing finally slowing, air finally filling his lungs, but he felt empty. No amount of air could fill the hole that had opened up inside his chest, and the vastness of it felt as though he'd never be whole again.

"I love you," she said it again, her arms still wrapped around his middle, holding him close to her chest.

He shifted so his head was in her lap, as opposed to the dirt below him, and she moved her hands to tangle in his hair. He looked up into her eyes, ice blue like a glacier. Sirius had seen pictures, read stories about people who climbed glaciers. The climbers talked about how they had to be careful not to get lost in those glacier fields because it wasn't uncommon to never find your way out.

"I want to get lost in your eyes." The words tumbled out of him in a broken whisper. "And I never want to find my way out."

Marlene laughed, "I love you," she said it again.

This was one of those things that let him know she was it for him. Anyone else would have tried to talk him down, but Marlene just kept reaffirming that he was loved, even in his broken state she loved him, she wanted him, she chose him. The emotions that hit him were a mess; loss and betrayal at seeing Reg behind the mask; anger and sadness at realizing his blood family was not and never would be his family; love and hope because his true family was looking down at him with adoration in her glacier eyes; fear because she could be stripped from him in an instant, and he'd be left behind.

But he focused on her eyes. His whole body ached to get lost in them, to throw himself into them, without a map or a compass to find his way out.

She stared down at him, the intensity of his gaze making her face grow pink. And Sirius knew he needed to lose himself, to show her how badly he was addicted to her and how each fix of her just pulled him in further. His hand found her wrist and he twisted there on the ground, Apparating them to their building this time.

Marlene looked around wide-eyed before smiling down at him, "Impressive."

"I need you," he whispered, a silent plea in his eyes.

Marlene's eyes never left his as she pulled him to stand, her smile warm, accepting, loving, everything. "I need you, too."

Sirius somehow managed to keep from taking her right there, somehow made it through basic conversation with Remus, James, and Lily for almost five minutes before Marlene excused them. But once their door was closed, Sirius' control dissolved.

He pressed Marlene into the wall, his hands grabbing her skin, her clothes, her hair. His lips and tongue and teeth were all over her face, her neck, behind her ear, her moans spurring him further.

She returned his fervor. Her hands making quick work of his shirt, using her strength to push his hands off of her and his arms up in the air to pull it over his head. Her nails dug into his chest, shoulders, his hair. And her kiss was ferocious when she managed to pull his face back to her lips. She rocked against him, whispering in his ear as he devoured her, telling him she loved him.

And it went on like that, against the wall, on the desk chair, their bed, again and again. Sirius had to fill this hole, this gaping hole in him, and Marlene was his balm, his family, his everything. And she did fill the hole, again and again, until he lay, exhausted, with Marlene pressed against him, her head on his chest.

"I love you," he whispered as he tangled his hand in her hair.

"I love you, Sirius," there was a fierceness in her voice as she continued, "and I hope you know there are many who do."

Sirius took a deep breath as her words washed over him. He did know.

"Hey," her small hand came up to cup his face, gently pulling until he was looking down at her, "Come get lost."

He stared down at her, his lips turning up as she held his gaze. He was already lost in her. He was already in so far that no map or compass would ever lead him out. And he never wanted out. He never wanted to be rescued. He wanted to live whatever was left of his life lost in Marlene McKinnon.