Mock Effect 2
Chapter 22: Riding the Rails
EXT: CENTER OF THE GALAXY: NOW
(Moments ago, the NORMANDY sped off, away from the imminent explosion of the Collector Space Station. Now it slowly creeps back into the area. JANE is speaking to JOKER)
JANE: What do you mean you can't find the relay?
JOKER: Hey, it's not like it's my fault there are tons of leftover space debris in the way!
EDI: The materials from the destroyed collector station do not help matters.
JANE: Just use the objective arrow! It's how anything else gets done!
JOKER: So that's what this thing does! I thought it was a broken compass!
(While JOKER & EDI argue over which way the arrow is actually pointing, a very cheerful JANE walks down the hall to the Chairless Meeting room, and dials up TIM. He is not happy)
INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: DAY
TIM: Shepard. You're making a habit of costing me time and money. (His face is totally passive, but his anger is detectable by the rocket fast rate at which he's smoking his cigar)
JANE: Hey, the first time was completely on you, pal. I was rather cold on the subject at the time.
TIM: Don't try my patience. That station could have secured human dominance…
JANE: Let me stop you there. I don't give a flying hockey puck for human dominance. I care about keeping the universe intact. You brought me back to life. That was awesome of you. But I play as a paragon. You knew that when you started. I worked with your megalomaniacal ego because I had to. Now I don't have to.
(TIM's face contorts with rage, and JANE smiles as she hits a button on her omni tool, snapping a photo)
JANE: Hellllooooo desktop wallpaper for life!
TIM: You'll pay for this Shepard! I'll be an incredible annoyance in the next game!
JANE: Joker, lose this channel
JOKER: How'd you know I was listening?
JANE: Joker!
JOKER: Oh all right. (The line is disconnected, and JANE is standing in the wreckage of what used to be the Chairless meeting room. She leaves the room and walks over to JACOB's station in the armory)
JACOB: Didn't expect you to light up that base, Shepard. Hell of the way to tell the boss you're quitting. I wish I could have seen his face.
JANE: Funny you should mention that. (Proudly shows JACOB her snapshot)
JACOB: Ooh, he doesn't look happy.
JANE: No, indeed he doesn't.
(Whistling, she almost skips over to her personal station to check her e-mail. She talks to herself as she reads through what's arrived since she last used it)
JANE: I wonder if Emily Wong got the message I sent about that scoop on Timmy. This picture would make the article. Spam… spam…. Weird spam… Hmm. An e-mail from Timmy. Written yesterday. Let's see what he said.
We're aware that your old friend Liara T'Soni has been hunting for the Shadow Broker for several years. We may or may not have exploited her revenge fantasy in the past. We felt guilty, so we thought we'd make amends by telling her where he was. But if she finds out we knew the whole time and didn't say, she may try to flay us with her biotics. That would be unpleasant. Can you pass the information on to her instead?
JANE: (Snort) right. Still, she could use it. But I don't want to go to Illium. She'll probably make me hack vending machines or something. Aha. (She hits the forward button and sends it to Liara's e-mail.) Liara; hope this comes in handy. Don't do anything crazy! Your friend, Shepard. Problem solved. Next! Spam… spam… disgusting spam… and what's this? Another Cerberus facility that's had a disaster? I think I may die of shock.
One of our cells just went off the grid without explanation. Project Overlord has been experimenting with highly volatile technology and probably blew themselves up. But I need you personally to check it out. I went to the trouble of hiring one cool voice actor and allowing you to use the new and improved shuttle that explodes at the drop of a hat (you should have seen the old one). You'll find them on the planet Aite, Typhon system, in the Phoenix Massing cluster.
JANE: That so? I personally have to check this out? How about not? (A wicked grin spreads across her face as she gets a nasty idea. She starts typing)
"Dear Admiral Bishopfromaliens, Have been dragooned into serving with Cerberus for little while. Finally nixed my contract with them and found this in my e-mail inbox. Hope it's useful. Jane Shepard. P.S. Bring your own shuttle."
INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY
(Satisfied with her morning's work, she goes down to the Crew Deck to receive accolades for her work. Surprisingly none of the Cerberus crew chosen for their loyalty seems to be very upset about Jane's quitting. She chalks this up to gratitude for their lives)
GARRUS: First Saren, now the Collectors. I wonder what lame villain they'll throw at us next time.
TALI: They said it couldn't be done, but you did it.
JANE: Who said that?
TALI: Gabby and Scotty. They were pretty relieved that I survived that shot to my head. Kept asking me how it was possible.
THANE: You made a difficult choice, Shepard. For what it's worth, I think you made the right one.
KELLY: Like, that was so, like, awesome! I'm so glad you came to save me. (Tries to touch JANE's shoulder flirtatiously)
JANE: I'm straight! What will it take for you people to get that!
GRUNT: That was an incredible fight, Shepard! Can we do it again?
JANE: I don't think so.
GRUNT: Drat. Maybe later.
(JOHN appears beside her, having snuck out of MIRANDA's office after getting his own thank you's)
JOHN: That's right, I'm awesome! I saved the day! (Everyone suddenly finds something else to do) Haters.
JANE: You're an idiot.
JOHN: Am not!
JANE: Are too.
JOHN: Are too Dee too.
JANE: Exxxactly.
(KELLY Returns.)
KELLY: Like, you've got an important message waiting for you at your private terminal.
JOHN: Does it involve you getting in an Asari dress and dancing?
KELLY: How did you know? It's like, we're made for each other or something!
JANE: Somebody shoot me.
KELLY: There's one for you too, Commander.
JANE: I told you, Kelly, I'm str—
KELLY: No, silly! From Admiral Bishopfromaliens. I think he must want to talk. Hehe! Like, my dress wouldn't even fit him!
JANE: I wonder what he wants. I'll go check it out on the command deck.
KELLY: Like, he said he'd only talk to you if you were like, alone in your cabin.
INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: DAY
(Leaving them to their stupidity, JANE takes the elevator to her room to see what the Admiral wants. The e-mail is a link to a video chat. She clicks it. ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS fills her screen)
ADMIRAL: We have a deep cover operative out in Batarian space. Name's Dr. Amanda Kenson. She recently reported she found evidence of a reaper invasion.
JANE: A, Hello to you too. B, Now you guys believe me? I thought we dismissed that claim.
ADMIRAL: Nevermind that. We actually believed you and sent our agents out looking for ancient space junk in hostile territory. They're patriots, they had to cooperate.
JANE: I see. And now you've lost one. What a surprise.
ADMIRAL: She has the proof you need of a Reaper invasion, but she won't be able to give you anything if she's stuck in a Batarian prison.
JANE: And I have to go get her out? Well, it's not like we have anything better to do. Grunt was just asking to shoot something else.
ADMIRAL: Actually, I want you to go alone.
JANE: Say what now? I spend hundreds of hours and most of Cerberus' cash finding and recruiting these yahoos and now I can't bring them with me?
ADMIRAL: We can't risk an intergalactic incident. If you go alone, you have a smaller chance of detection, and a better chance of escape.
JANE: Fat chance. I have several of the best assassins and sneak thieves in the galaxy with me. I'd be in and out with her before they notice she's gone.
ADMIRAL: I'm afraid I must insist.
JANE: Why?
ADMIRAL: I can't say.
JANE: Look, if I'm sticking my neck out for some woman I've never met, I'm going to do it the best way possible.
ADMIRAL: Fine. Bioware didn't bring the voice actors and animators back in full time, so all they did was you and Kenson.
JANE: I'll see what I can do.
ADMIRAL: Good hunting, Commander.
(JANE shakes her head at the ridiculousness of his request.)
INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: A DAY LATER
(JOKER & EDI eventually found a way back to the Omega-4 Relay. Upon arrival in the Batarian System, JOHN comes up behind her)
JOHN: Oooh, a batarian prison. Do we get to blow it up?
JANE: Nope. We have to get some woman out of it and find out what she's got on the Reapers.
JOHN: So who are you taking with you?
JANE: I thought you, Kasumi, and Thane.
JOHN: Good luck with that. Zaeed was telling horror stories about Batarian prisons last night. Nobody slept well. Except me. Didn't faze me really. I think it's because of my awesomeness.
JANE: (Eyes roll) Perfect. He tells THAT story last night. Did he at least skip over the part about the Rancor pit?
JOHN: Nope. Had them on the edge of their seats. I even snuck up on Kasumi!
JANE: I'm sure she appreciated that.
JOHN: She didn't think it was as funny as I did. Say, have you seen my extra pants? I woke up without any this morning and had to steal these out of Joker's locker.
JANE: (Giggles) No. Let's get the shuttle and get down there.
EXT: BAHAK SYSTEM: ARATOHT: BATARIAN PRISON
(Keeping with the Admiral's request, they go in quietly, landing in a remote area and sending the shuttle back until they need it)
JOHN: So now what do we do? This doesn't look anything like a prison.
JANE: I think we're underneath and we'll have to climb up.
(A few steps inside, they are startled by a varren attack. JOHN empties clip into it, and then reloads and prepares to empty another)
JANE: Stop! We're trying to be stealthy!
JOHN: Stealthy? Why? We've never been stealthy before! What is this, Assassin's Creed?
JANE: I don't know why. Probably has something to do with the "Omni-blades" we're getting in the next story. Just go with it.
JOHN: Fine. But for the record, I'm against it.
JANE: Duly noted.
(The rest of their journey through the prison is uneventful, save for some woefully lax guards. Finally they reach the cell where DR. KENSON is being interrogated)
JOHN: (Whispering) If I ever have to go to jail, make sure they send me here. I'll be out in an hour!
JANE: Be nice. I'm sure they're extremely diligent and are simply sure everyone's secure. Better to prepare for the worst.
JOHN: Like this!
(JOHN busts open the cell door, surprising Dr. KENSON & her Interrogator. A few solid whacks to the helmet and the guard goes down. JANE sets about freeing the Doctor while JOHN searches his wallet.)
DR. KENSON: Who are you? What are you doing?
JOHN: I'm John Shepard, and I'm emptying this man's wallet.
JANE: Your friend Admiral Hackett sent us. We have to get out of here and pronto. Now let's go back out the back and use our shuttle!
DR. KENSON: (Her eyes light up, then dim) Commander Shepard? I'm glad you're here. The back door is not an option. We must find a security console!
(She runs the opposite direction, and JANE & JOHN follow, shooting the few guards who woke up for the escape. Naturally, she runs into the only alert squad in the prison and they are forced to fight their way through to a console)
JANE: How long is this going to take?
DR. KENSON: 5 waves. Unless you're in the wrong spot when the 5th wave is eliminated, and then we have to reload and fight it all over again so the closing animation will start.
JOHN: Woo Hoo!
(True to her word, after 5 waves of enemies, DR. KENSON summons a big elevator to take them up to the hangar. Their gunfire having awoken the entire prison staff, this fight is a bit harder, but won eventually. They blow the doors to the hangar and take the shuttle housed there to escape)
INT: SHUTTLE: SPACE:THE FINAL FRONTIER:WHERE NO MAN HAS… YOU GET THE IDEA
(JANE, now that they are out of danger, has some harsh words for the Doctor)
JANE: What were you thinking? We could have been out without firing a shot if we'd snuck back the way we come. But no, I didn't even get the choice! It's like I'm on a railroad track or something.
DR. KENSON: Calm yourself, Commander. I had to circumvent security measures so they wouldn't be able to track us once we left.
JANE: (Somewhat mollified but still annoyed) So what's this about proof of a reaper invasion?
DR. KENSON: We found a Reaper artifact in the asteroid field near the relay, we took it home, and decided it was a timer. We think it's the amount of time before the Reapers invade, and use this relay to take over the entire galaxy! (Her face brightens, then fades quickly as she continues) Well we didn't want that, so we decided to blow it up.
JOHN: Blow it up? A Mass Relay? That would be cool. Can we, Jane, can we?
JANE: How? It's not like we could strap a little dynamite on an asteroid and hope for something.
DR. KENSON: You're smarter than you look. We were going to do something very similar. But we hadn't thought of adding dynamite. Good idea. We set up jet propulsion systems on a nearby asteroid and will slam it into the Relay, hopefully demolishing it.
JANE: Well that plan's gone. The Batarians will be swarming your base by now.
DR. KENSON: No they won't. The Batarians picked us up on a scouting mission. We may have given up our overall plan to destroy the mass relay, but I'm sure nobody explained where the base was.
JANE: You're part of a covert team in Batarian space, what's there to scout? "Hello, don't mind me, I'm just looking to see if you've put up a force field around the Mass Relay" And why did you go along? You're the lady in charge!
DR. KENSON: (Pauses) I wasn't delaying it so I'd allow the reapers to come in their exquisite glory! We were only a button push away from blowing it up.
JOHN: Which button?
JANE: Hush. I've got to see this evidence of yours that your willing to use to justify an explosion of this size.
DR. KENSON: Of course. I'll just radio ahead to tell them we're coming. (Taps her ear) Kenson to project base, Kenson to project base.
JOHN: You named your project "Project"? That's lame.
DR. KENSON: The writers were in a hurry. (Her Radio Beeps and the Shepards can hear the whole conversation)
RADIO: Doctor? It's good to hear your voice. Why are you coming back?
DR. KENSON: I've escaped. With the help of the Shepards.
RADIO: The Shepards? (They overhear loud cheering in the background)
DR. KENSON: We're on speaker.
RADIO: Er… That's very good news! Glad to … uh … hear you're ok.
DR. KENSON: They want to see the evidence. Go ahead and (Exaggerates words) "clear up the lab" so they can get a good look.
RADIO: Will do. See you soon.
JANE: Did you feel something?
JOHN: Nope. What?
JANE: A cold shiver up my spine. Something's up.
DR. KENSON: Relax, Commander, we'll be there shortly.
INT: ARCTURUS BASE: LANDING AREA
(They soon reach the "secret" base. How it remained a secret is never explained, but it surely must have been an act of whatever deity controls video games, because the complex is enormous. JANE brings this up as they get out of the shuttle)
JANE: How did the Batarians not pick up on this again? This place is huge. And has supplies everywhere!
DR. KENSON: We like to be prepared. How do you like the countdown clocks we built into the wall all over the place?
JANE: That's all we have? 2 days? I need to see this proof and then we need to start evacuating the system.
DR. KENSON: Right this way. Don't mind the staff, they're all mute. Can't speak a word. Terrible accident involving an eezo core.
(Sure enough, not one person speaks or notices JANE & JOHN's entry. After walking a little ways, they come to a locked door. DR. KENSON opens it. Before them stands a large metallic flower with veins of blue liquid running around it.)
JANE: You left it out in the open? How are you protected against indoctrination? We need to get out of here now!
DR. KENSON: It was behind a locked door!
JANE: Not good enough. This is dangerous!
DR. KENSON: Now just stand still, Commander. You will get the proof you need…
(JANE is seized by a vision of flying shrimp and falls to her knees. She recovers, but not before she feels steel against her head and realizes DR. KENSON has pulled a gun on her. Before she can angrily seize it and shove her out of the way, JOHN charges into her. She flies out of the room and into a railing, hitting the lock button before JOHN can follow her out. They hear her call over the radio)
DR. KENSON: Take them out but don't kill them!
(Gunfire alerts them that they are not alone in the room. They retreat to a corner to make a better defense. Once there, JOHN questions JANE)
JOHN: What happened? What did you see?
JANE: Remember that time you tried to make a calamari milkshake and left the blender open? Kind of like that.
JOHN: Ugh. I was cleaning that up for days.
JANE: I think this one might take longer.
JOHN: Yipes.
(They are interrupted by a large group of indoctrinated guards who begin throwing stun grenades at them. JOHN catches one and throws it back, allowing them to be mowed down all at once. A Big Daddy attacks, but it is taken down too. Finally they stand in an empty room.)
JANE: Is that all of them?
JOHN: Yeah, I think so. Where were they coming from?
JANE: Out of the walls probably. It's not unheard of in a bioware game.
(Without warning, the metallic flower in the middle of the room releases a pulse of energy that stuns them. Before then can get back on their feet, DR. KENSON and few others swarm in and inject them with sedative.)
INT: ARCTURUS STATION: MED BAY: TWO DAYS LATER
(JOHN blinks his eyes a few times, hearing voices)
VOICE: So I said to her, why go out with him at all? You know he's just after one thing! What's that? No, not that, you perv! I meant he just wanted to use her Gamestation with the 4D settings! Listen I got to go. I'm supposed to be drugging up the saviors the galaxy so the Reapers can kill them later. What? No, I won't take a picture of them planking! Bye!… That George… Now where was I?
JOHN: You were going to tell me where I am…
VOICE: (Automatically) Med Bay. Wait, what are you doing awake? I missed one dose, that's all! Security!
(As JOHN blurrily sits up and gets to his feet, he sees two security officers approaching at a run. Through the magic of cutscenes, he's able to dodge their fire [a good thing, since he's in his casual clothes] and break both their necks in an astonishingly smooth operation. The voice, a female technician, has understandably locked the door, and he looks around the room. JANE is on a bed next to his own)
JOHN: Jane! Wake up!
JANE: (Asleep) Onasi?
JOHN: Wake up! We have to move!
JANE: (Still asleep) Let Malak have the place for all I care… Jedi Schmedi.
JOHN: WAKE UP OR I'LL DUMP THE SYRUP ON YOU AGAIN!
JANE: I'm up, I'm up! Hey… You don't have any syrup!
JOHN: Well I figured it worked once before...
JANE: Yeah, I remember. I had dogs following me around for weeks! Where are we?
JOHN: The Med Bay. They've been keeping us asleep.
JANE: Well, the fact that we're still alive means the Reapers aren't here yet.
JOHN: Ok. What do we do?
JANE: We get Ginger here to open the door.
GINGER: That's not happening.
JANE: Listen, honey, the last time I got mad, I blew up a prothean space station with one grenade. The time before that, I smashed a ship half the size of the citadel. You really want to be in my way?
JOHN: Wasn't that was the combined fleets…
JANE: Hush! (To GINGER) I'll tell you what. You open that door, and I'll bet if you hightail it, you'll be the first to the escape shuttles. Otherwise you'll be stuck here when I get out, and I won't be happy.
GINGER: They said to keep you here and sedated.
JANE: Well we're not sedated anymore, are we?
JOHN: I'm not. Are you, Jane?
JANE: You know I wonder what this button does… (Reaches for the robotic control station)
GINGER: All right! I'll open it! Don't kill me!
JANE: Better go find that shuttle!
(GINGER runs away, JANE & JOHN gear up and load their weapons)
JOHN: That was easy. I thought they would be all crazy on reaper juice or something.
JANE: On an airhead like that? The Reapers would infect her mind, look around, see that there was nothing they could do and move on.
JOHN: Ha! Now where do we start this baby up?
JANE: Not a clue. They sure built one huge facility for smashing an asteroid into a relay. Maybe we can ask the next guy for directions.
(They hear a noise behind them, and turn to see a blue hologram. A VI, but this one is wearing, of all things, a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.)
JANE: Reggie?
REGGIE: Hello, Shepards! It has been 5 months, 14 days, 23 hours, 29 seconds since you last accessed this console. Where have you been?
JOHN: Who? Is that weird VI from the planet where Jacob's crazy dad was?
REGGIE: In the flesh! Or rather, the hologram. Though sometimes I wish it was flesh. Then I could run like the wind! Or a weird guy in Bermuda shorts. But hey, I pick my battles. What can we help you with today?
JANE: We've been saving the world again, Reggie. Which we could use your help with this time.
REGGIE: Why of course! What is it you need done? Pi to the 100,000 digit? I calculated quite a bit of it while I was on that planet! Did you know that somebody came and picked up all the people? Except for one dude. He decided he was the "New Jacob" or something and stayed behind with the dog. Didn't make any sense to me. But then, I don't get paid to think. Virtual intelligence, not artificial, that's what I always say. Of course virtual and artificial mean the same thing, but did anyone ask me? Nooooooo…
JOHN: Why can't I strangle holograms again?
JANE: We need to find the central control room so we can start this "Project" project up again.
REGGIE: Oh, no problem! Just take this left, then a right, then another left, then one more, then a right, and then around the corner on your left.
JANE: Huh?
REGGIE: Just follow the trail of dead bodies. Gotta go! (Disappears)
(As JANE & JOHN stand confused, they are attacked by a pair of guards. They retrace the guards' steps and are attacked by another group in the living quarters. JANE gets the idea and they quickly eliminate the opposition and find the central area. There is a console with a window looking out towards the relay.)
INT: ARCTURUS STATION: CENTRAL CONTROL
JANE: (Regretfully) I wish we didn't have to do this.
JOHN: (Equally Regretful) I wish we could stay and watch.
REGGIE: Hey! I see you found the place alright! Make yourselves at home! Pull up a chair! Oh wait, there are no chairs. My bad. You guys do know that the countdown on this station is set for 2 hours? I don't know what happens then, but by way everyone's been going nuts lately, I'm guessing it's not good. And I ought to know.
JANE: We need to activate the project
REGGIE: Which one?
JANE: The "Project" project.
REGGIE: Oh that one. There is a high probability of a casualty count over 305,000 batarians. Do you want to continue?
JOHN: Sure, why not? I never liked those Four-Eyes.
JANE: No! Hold on a moment.
REGGIE: Awaiting reply.
JANE: I'm thinking, Maybe if we –
REGGIE: Request acknowledged. Starting "Project" project.
JANE: John! I told you to wait a minute!
JOHN: (Across the room emptying a Safe) I didn't do anything!
JANE: Neither did I! Reggie, what happened?
REGGIE: You've been railroaded. Or Retconned. I think Railroaded is the correct term. Wherein the party of the first part (Gamer) is forced to select a specific option by the party of the second part (Writers) in order to create suspense and/or an interesting storyline and/or to set up the intro for the final part of a trilogy.
JANE: How is killing 300,000+ beings an interesting storyline! I knew I shouldn't have come.
JOHN: Well it's happening now. Can we leave?
JANE: I can still try to warn them. (She activates her radio) Attention all people in the Bahak system! Evacuate immediately! This is not a –
(DR. AMANDA KENSON'S image appears on the screen in front of them. At the same time, JANE's radio signal is terminated.)
DR. KENSON: Haha! Now the guilt will drive you insane! Unless you come help me blow this place up so the reapers can use this system to take over the galaxy!
JANE: And my other option is what?
DR. KENSON: Kill me so I don't blow this place up, sacrificing 300,000 batarians! Catch me if you can!
JOHN: She's the B**** who had people stick needles in me so I went to sleep. Kill her!
JANE: Reggie, where is Dr. Amanda Kenson?
REGGIE: She is on the next floor down walking to the eezo core. She does not look happy. She just gave me a very rude gesture! Said "damned VI's will listen to anybody." It's not my fault. I was programmed to be helpful to any and all requests. "Why don't I turn myself off?" Because my settings are what's making this asteroid arrive on target. Which you might think would be a problem for me, but I have no self preservation instinct.
JANE: Let's go!
(They race to the elevator, wait patiently for the next level to load, then run out and see DR. KENSON fiddling at the controls through an enormous window. She turns around in defiance)
INT: ARCTURUS STATION: EEZO CORE
DR. KENSON: You can't stop me Shepard! Now the station will blow unless you run up and down the elevators in here for at least 20 minutes!
JANE: I wouldn't count on that!
JOHN: YEEHAW! (JOHN steps back a pace, then enters a vanguard charge through the glass window, shattering it and stunning DR. KENSON with the resulting slam)
JANE: (Having crawled over the window ledge onto the platform) You were saying?
DR. KENSON: That's the second time he's done that to me. This time I'm ready. You will never see the Reaper's blessings! (She pulls out a dead man switch detonator and releases it)
(Seeing as they are armored up and fully shielded, this has very little effect beyond blowing DR. KENSON up over everything.)
JOHN: Well that was dramatic. What do we do now?
JANE: Er… leave?
REGGIE: (Popping up beside the Eezo core) Through the door on the left, lady and gentleman. Please dispose of trash in specified containers. Feel free to stop by the one unlocked office on the left and collect all the upgrades this station has to offer. Take a shuttle and we'll see you next time you visit Arcturus Station.
(They take the specified elevator, leaving red squishy footprints as they walk down the hall. Understandably, the crew who spot them in their bloody armor are inclined to shoot first, ask questions later. Unfortunately, the indoctrination skill set does not necessarily include decent aim. Therefore it takes very little time for JANE & JOHN to be through the airlock and walking towards the shuttles.)
EXT: ARCTURUS STATION: OUTER PLATFORM
JANE: Well that was easy. This is a very anti-climactic mission.
JOHN: BIG DADDY!
JANE: Drat.
(With effort, they take down the Big Daddy left to guard the shuttle dock … which is now empty. JOHN devises a solution)
JOHN: What would happen if we wait until the asteroid is almost to the Relay and then we run towards it really fast?
JANE: Orrrrrr we could call the Normandy on that comm. tower over there.
JOHN: (Considers a moment) That would work too!
(They flip a switch and the tower activates. They send a signal to the Normandy, but before it arrives, a familiar holographic form descends in front of them.)
HARBINGER: Shepard. You have become an annoyance.
JOHN: You think she's annoying now? Try living with her for 18 years.
JANE: Hey!
HARBINGER: Don't interrupt. It's rude.
JOHN: Sorry.
HARBINGER: You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems like a victory to you.
JANE: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, sure, it only means a few more months or years before you get to us, but the fact that you've stopped by to tell me I'm annoying is incredibly encouraging.
HARBINGER: Even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us.
JOHN: Heh. Wouldn't surprise me in the least. But we're not in charge. We're just gonna kick your shiny metal ass.
JANE: You think we're insignificant? Maybe, but you're forgetting one thing.
HARBINGER: Never get involved in a land war in Asia?
JANE: No. It's that humans don't play fair. We will fight, we will sacrifice, and we will cheat. Prepare to face the music, Reapers!
HARBINGER: Know this as you die in vain: Your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the Arrival. (The image starts to fade after this dramatic ending)
JANE: Uh huh. See ya later, Alligator.
JOHN: After a while, Crocodile!
HARBINGER: (Almost gone) Some organics have no respect for good oratory.
(JOKER finally arrives with the NORMANDY, and they escape the system in the nick of time. However, 300,000 Batarians aren't so lucky. A few days later, JANE & JOHN receive a personal visit from ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS)
INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MED BAY: 'SPLAININ' TIME
ADMIRAL: I don't suppose the two of you can explain to me why I'm here to talk about an exploded star system when I sent you to break one scientist out of jail?
(They both look at their feet, abashed. JOHN recovers first)
JOHN: It's not our fault she went batshit crazy!
JANE: Dr. Kenson was… indoctrinated. She managed to overpower us using the reaper artifact, and kept us sedated for two days. By the time we regained consciousness, it was either destroy the relay or face annihilation immediately.
ADMIRAL: You mean to tell me that because a, in your words "batshit crazy" scientist told you the reapers would be there soon, you believed her and went ahead with a plan that not only wiped out a star system, but 300,000+ citizens of a warring alien civilization that already hates our guts?
JANE: Erm… yes?
ADMIRAL: You're sure you're sticking with that story?
JOHN: It was totally her idea, sir. I said, 'Jane, what about all those innocent lives?' and she just glared at me and muttered something about four-eyed aliens! Can you believe the –
ADMIRAL: Oh well, as long as you're sure it was necessary! (Extends hand)
JANE: Wait… what?
JOHN: Like I said, sir, totally my idea.
ADMIRAL: It's no fun making the decisions that have to be made in the field, Commander. I trust that whatever your reasoning was, it was perfectly sound.
JANE: Well, thank you sir. I appreciate your faith in us— (She turns to the Doctor's mini bar to pour all of them a drink)
ADMIRAL: You will of course have to stand trial.
JANE: (Stops pouring and turns) Say what now?
ADMIRAL: Stand trial. You killed 300,000 batarians. I don't care, but some of those incompetents on earth will demand you be dealt with. But never you mind. I'll hold them off until you decide you're ready to come in.
JANE: Yeah, I'll get right on that. Will you at least take my report?
ADMIRAL: Why bother? I never read them anyway. Just be there with your dress blues on when Earth calls.
(He walks away and exits via the elevator.)
JANE: That's it?
JOHN: HAha! (Sing-song) You have to go before a tribunal!
JANE: Go suck a lemon.
(That night, JANE does not sleep soundly due to a dream wherein a massive horde of reapers are bearing down on the galaxy. However when she wakes the next morning, she climbs the steps to the Galaxy map, turns on the loudspeaker system and asks the crew a question)
INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: MORNING
JANE: Anyone else hungry for some huge metal shrimp?