Dearest Sam:
It's a Saturday afternoon and I was clearing out some cupboards – getting rid of stuff before we move again. I can hear you and your brother out in the yard, running through the sprinkler, enjoying the last days of summer.
I'm so glad you and Mark are close and I hope you always remain so. I understand how hard it is being Air Force 'brats' constantly having to move and try to make new friends. I know it's hard on you honey – I just hope you always remember why we live this life. Your father is a wonderful man and believes in doing his duty for his country. It's tough on all of us, I know, but I love him and respect him for what he does, and hope that you and Mark will always feel the same.
I don't know why I decided to sit and write you this letter. Maybe it was coming across my wedding dress – or maybe it was because I felt someone walk across my grave today. Oh, I know I'm being silly! I plan on being there when you're married Sam so you'll never actually see this letter. It's just for some reason I felt I had to write this… just in case!
I guess maybe it was because I was listening to the radio today and heard about some woman who got into a car accident and left two young children. It scared me and so I decided to write this letter to you.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately (your father always says I think too much!)
On reading this Jack looked up and smiled at Sam.
"What?"
"You obviously take after your mother." but rather than explaining further he bent his head and continued reading.
I worry about you Sam. You're such a bright girl! Your father and I often wonder where that came from. I'm confident you will always do well in school and will probably go on to have a brilliant career. I know your father would like you to go in the AF like him – he thinks you could make General one day. For me, it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you're happy.
But please, my darling girl, make sure you leave time for yourself. You are so like your Dad – so intent on doing what's right all the time that sometimes you forget about yourself. For all your 'smarts' I worry that you don't truly know how to be happy. The world isn't just duty Sam – it's joy and taking time for the little things and mostly its about love – and it needs all these things to survive – as do you.
You are a beautiful, loving person – but sometimes I don't think you see that in yourself. You're so busy trying to live up to some invisible expectations that you lack confidence in the amazing person you are. Relax Sam and know that you are special – not just because you are smart – but because you are good.
Your life will partly be what you make it, but partly whatever fate hands you. We can never know what lies ahead. For you, I hope it's something wonderful and amazing, because you deserve no less. But always remember, that there are things you can control, choices you can make that will change the path of your life. I hope that you will always take the path that leads to your happiness.
One day you will meet someone – someone special. You are enough like me, my daughter, that he will be 'the one'. Whatever happens I know he will be with you always, just as your father will always be with me. Your choice will be whether to take hold of him and keep hold of him whatever happens. I expect there will be difficulties in your path to happiness, why I don't know – I just have this feeling. But if you hold on to him you will know much joy.
Whatever you do Sam, don't settle! Don't settle for something you think is 'the right thing to do', don't settle for mediocrity; don't settle for the life you think you should have. Go for what you want, go for the man who fulfills your life, your destiny. He is the one to stand beside my little girl, my Samantha. I know, in my heart, that he will always be beside you, love you and protect you and that together you will reach the stars
As I said, I know I'm probably being silly. Your Dad often says that I have a wild imagination. He figures that in some alternate reality somewhere I'm either a mystic or a charlatan! All I know is that I get these feelings, these 'visions' for want of a better word – that you have an important role to play in this universe. It's a lot to bear, my darling, but joined with the right man, you will succeed.
I've asked your Dad to hold on to this package for me – just in case I can't be with you on your wedding day. I'm leaving you my dress and a couple of other things that are important to me. Don't feel you have to wear it – I just want to know that you have it so that you can remember the love I have for your father – that it will exist throughout eternity wherever we are.
I hope and pray that, as you walk down the aisle, the man waiting for you at the end will know how special you are and how blessed he is to have Samantha Carter as his life mate. And remember, I will be there watching – either sitting in the church or looking down from above.
My little girl – I love you and I'm so proud of you.
Mom (August 12, 1975)
For a long time Jack sat, holding the letter in his hand. Sam wasn't sure what he was thinking but when he finally lifted his head she could see his brown eyes awash in tears.
"She was a pretty amazing woman. Reminds me of her daughter!"
That comment set Sam off again, and they held tightly to each other, both feeling incredible sadness, but also joy in Sam's letter.
"It sounds like she knew what was going to happen, doesn't it?"
"Yeah – I wonder if your father was right? Maybe she was a mystic, but in this world, not an alternate reality. Thank you for letting me read this Sam. It was an incredibly special letter and I feel like I know your Mom a little now. It's nice to know she'll be at our wedding. Actually – I'm sure she was at our wedding. We thought it was just the two of us but you know, I think our families were with us."
"I'd like to think so. Mom and Dad together, watching us. And I bet your parents were there as well and they brought Charlie along."
That thought made Jack close his eyes, trying hard to hang on to his emotions. His eyes suddenly shot open as he realized something. Taking the letter again, he looked at the date at the bottom. This time he couldn't hold the tears back. As they fell down his cheeks Sam looked at him in concern.
"What is it? What's wrong Jack?"
"It's the date – August 12th."
"What about it? What does that mean?"
"It probably doesn't mean anything. It's probably just a coincidence." he stopped speaking and took a deep breath.
"What coincidence Jack?" she asked in concern.
"That's the date Charlie died – August 12th. When you mentioned him I suddenly realized. It kind of makes everything seem – I don't know – just right, you know. Like it's all really meant to be."
"You doubted that?"
"Most of the time, no. But sometimes I wonder if it all isn't too good to be true. Every time I've had something good it seems to get taken away. Sometimes I expect to wake up and all of this will be gone But now, after reading your Mom's letter – I kind of feel like maybe things are good, that everything's led to this point. I know the letter was for you but in some strange way I think it was for me as well." He looked at her suddenly, worried that he was being selfish.
"I'm sorry Sam – I didn't mean to take away from your Mom's letter – I know this is about you, not me."
"No, I think you were right. I think this letter was for both of us. Somehow she knew Jack – she knew that I'd have you in my life, to stand beside me. This letter made me realize too that everything is as it should be – not that I ever really doubted it." Resting her head on his shoulder the two sat quietly, thinking about their families and all that had brought them to this point. Finally, Jack sighed and sat up straight.
"Don't you think you should open the box? I'm curious to see this dress."
"Yes. I've seen it in pictures of course, but never the real thing. I always wondered what had happened to it." As she was speaking she was removing the tissue paper. Underneath she could see the pale ivory of the silk. On top rested 3 more smaller packages. Curious as to what was in them she opened the first one. Lying inside was a small cameo – a woman on a blue background.
"This was my grandmother's", she said in wonder. "I used to look at it when I was little. My mother told me her mother gave it to her when she married Dad. It's been passed down for generations to the women in the family. It's supposed to bring happiness in marriage."
Jack took it from her and looked at it. With a smile he returned it. "Well, we don't really need it but it's beautiful and I'm glad you have it. Maybe you can pass it on to our daughter when the time comes?"
What a wonderful idea, she thought. Just the possibility of having a little girl with Jack warmed her to her toes.
She then reached out and picked up the second, bulkier package. Opening it she realized it was a bunch of letters, tied up with ribbon.. She undid it and took the top letter.
"It's my Dad's handwriting", she told him.
Opening it she quickly scanned the letter. Tears again gathered in her eyes. Today was a day for them, she thought!
"They're love letters from my Dad to my Mom." Looking at the envelopes and the various postmarks she continued, "They start from the time they first started dating right up until shortly before she must have packed them in here." As she read the first letter she let out a small giggle.
"What's so funny?"
"I just never realized how romantic my Dad could be. I guess children don't see that side of their parents when they're young. I'm glad she left me these. I always knew Dad loved her but Mark and I were so angry at him for so long after she died. I don't think we ever realized what a wonderful relationship they had. It's nice to know."
Putting the letters aside – she'd read them all later, when she was alone – she picked up the last package. She opened it and then sat quietly, simply looking at the object in her lap.
It was a picture – a picture of a young, pretty blond woman – the spitting image of Carter he thought. Sitting next to her, their arms around each other, was clearly the young Sam. The two were looking at each other, laughing. The love between them was obvious. In Sam's eyes was the adoration of a young girl for her mother. The mother looked down with love and pride and tenderness. It was a beautiful picture – in many ways a holy picture - the age-old picture of a Madonna and child.
The air around them was still. The day was coming to an end, the light fading, the air getting cooler. Inside, on the porch, however, the light was there as was the warmth. It was the light of the past shining towards the future of the man and woman sitting there together. And it was the warmth – the warmth of love – their love for each other and the love of their families that surrounded them like a blessing.
Finally after a long time sitting in silence, the couple looked at each other and smiled – a smile of true contentment.
"I don't know about you, but my butt's getting tired!"
"Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way but I would like to stretch and to have something to eat. Oh my gosh, I've forgotten about Cassie and Mark and Amy and the kids. They must be starved! It's after suppertime."
"I'm sure they're able to look after themselves. I told them to make themselves at home so they probably raided the fridge already. Hey, are you going to take a look at the dress? I'd like to see it."
"Yeah, I guess. It's a little hard though."
'Why – because it brings back memories?"
"Actually no. It's because there's no way in hell I could even think of trying it on right now and that's depressing! I'd look like a stuffed sausage."
"Mmmm, lovely thought! Come on – it's only for a little while. You'll get your figure back in no time."
With a sigh Sam lifted the dress, carefully, from the box and held it up. It brought a bit of a tingle to her throat and eyes but she didn't cry. I've done enough of that for a while, she thought. Holding it up to herself she sighed again. Nope, she couldn't even get this halfway up her body.
The dress simple and elegant – just the sort of thing she would have chosen herself. Although her parents were married in the early 60's, the dress was classic and she knew she could wear it herself (if she wasn't so huge!) It was an ivory gown of plain silk with a wide neckline and ½ sleeves. It had a gathered overskirt with a detachable, cathedral train. It came with a gorgeous Chantilly lace wedding veil on a satin headband.
"It's beautiful Sam. Look, once the babies are here we were going to have another 'big' wedding for friends and family. You'll be able to wear it then."
"I know. I just wish I could try it on now! Let's go in and see what the others are up do and grab a bite to eat. I'm starved!" The emotions of the last two days had not only tired her out, they had made her ravenous. She felt like she could eat a horse!
Later that night, as the two of them lay in bed, spooned up together, Sam realized something.
"Jack?"
"What", he answered as he nibbled her neck.
"Jack – August 12th is in a few days."
He stopped what he was doing and laid back, his head resting on the pillow.
"Yeah, I know."
"Do you – I mean – I didn't know before that that was the date." Although in retrospect she realized that the Colonel had always taken his vacation in August unless some dire crisis was happening. She should have figured it out, she thought. She bet Daniel knew!
"I mean – do you do something that day? Do you, remember it somehow? I don't want to pry Jack but I want you to feel free to do what you have to that day. And, if there's anyway I can do to help …..?"
He didn't say anything for a time. She worried she may have moved into territory best left alone.
"I usually spend the day at the cemetery", he murmured so quietly she could barely hear him. Sara and I meet up and then go for lunch or something. I told her I wasn't sure if I was going to make it this year, with the babies and all."
"Jack, the babies aren't due until the third week in September. I think you should go. It's important and I'll be just fine."
"No. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving you by yourself and Mark and Amy have to leave in a couple of days. It'll be okay Sam. I haven't always made it."
She looked at him curiously at that but he wouldn't meet her eyes. Realizing that now was her opportunity to get him to talk to her she pressed her advantage.
"Why not? I would have thought it would be something you would make sure of."
Again, he didn't speak for a while until finally he sat up and swung his legs over the bed, on the opposite side from where she lay.
"I missed when Baal – you know - and then again when I was frozen in Antarctica."
Shit! She should have realized. Where was her head? I'm sure both times he felt guilty not being able to be at the cemetery even though neither event was his fault. Sitting up, with difficulty, she scooted over to his side of the bed and sat beside him and put her arms around him.
At first he resisted, his body tense and unyielding. Yup, she thought, this is the old Jack O'Neill – trying to close himself off from his pain and from those who want to help. Well no way, she decided – that aint gonna happen now mister!
"Jack! Come on. I'm here and you're not getting away with this."
"With what?" he snapped at her.
"With trying to avoid this and not accept the comfort I'm offering. Look, if you don't want to talk about it I understand – that's your right and I don't want to interfere. But I do want to hold you. You can damn well relax and let me show you some love. You don't need to hold this in with me here. Remember your promise Jack."
At first he looked angry, like he wasn't going to give in. After glancing down at her he seemed to relax slightly. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he took a deep breath and relaxed totally into her, accepting her comfort.
"It's always hard, every year", he murmured. 'You'd think it would get better over time but it doesn't. It's like the pain comes back just as bad every time. Each year I think how old he'd be, what he'd be doing now. He'd be a young man right now and I'll never get to see that. It kills me Sam." he buried his head in her neck and started to sob.
As his cries of anguish continued she slowly leaned back with him until they were curled up on the bed together. She held him for the longest time, letting him cry out his pain and grief. She wondered if he had ever allowed himself to do this before – at least in the comforting arms of someone who loved him. After a while his sobs began to stop. When he grew silent he didn't lift his head, still keeping it buried in the side of her neck. Knowing Jack O'Neill she figured he was embarrassed at his display and was trying to think of a way to avoid having to acknowledge it.
"Thank you Jack", she said quietly. At that he lifted his head and looked at her with puzzled eyes, his face wet and blotchy from the tears.
"Thank me? What for? You're the one who deserves the thanks – having to put up with a sniveling idiot!"
"No. Thank you for trusting me enough, for loving me enough to let go and show your grief. I know that that is hard for you and it means everything to me that you were willing to share this with me. I just wish there was something I could do, some way I could help take the pain away."
"No one can do that Sam. But having you here – it made a huge difference. For the first time I was able to share my grief with someone and …. it made it more bearable somehow. Just please … don't ever tell Daniel!"
"Daniel? Why not? Not that I would of course but….?"
"Oh, he's told me for years I need to "let it out" to 'cry on someone's shoulder'. I always told him he was nuts and I'd never, ever do that. Looks like he was right. So …."
"So. … you can't, of course, let Daniel know he was right."
"Oh course not", he said, looking at her as if she were crazy. "There's nothing worse than a Daniel that's been proven right. He'd never let me forget it. It's bad enough he knows about the morning sickness. This would kill me!"
Glad to see that some humor had been restored into the conversation Sam played along. She knew Jack had reached his limit of dealing openly with his emotions and he needed some of his protective sarcasm and humor to restore his equilibrium. Still, she was pleased at the events of the evening – oh, not that he had had to suffer such grief – but it had been healing, something which was long overdue.
Finally able to relax the two of them curled up and went to sleep.
They had a lovely couple of days with Mark and Amy and the kids but the family finally had to return to San Diego where Mark was due back at work. With lots of kisses, hugs and promises to keep in touch they said goodbye to Sam's family, happy that they had built a strong relationship that they knew would continue.
With Jack back at work Sam was glad to have Cassie with her. The young woman saved her from going crazy with boredom. They were able to discuss all things baby and wedding – and thoroughly enjoyed all the girl talk. Jack too was happy. As much as he was excited about impending fatherhood he didn't really want to talk about nipple guards and mucous plugs (eeechh – whatever they were).
A couple of days after the Carters had gone, Jack got an unexpected call from Daniel.
"Jack – howya doing?"
"Fine Daniel. What's up?"
"Well, Teal'c and I thought maybe we come out for a few days if you guys are up for it."
"Sure, that would be great. When are you thinking of coming?"
"Well, we thought maybe we'd fly up on the 10th. That way, if you wanted to head to Colorado Springs on say the 11th we'd be at your place with Sam and Cassie." Daniel stopped talking and waiting nervously for Jack's reply.
After a moment Jack responded.
"Did Sam call you?"
"No, why?" Daniel asked, clearly and honestly puzzled.
"Oh, I don't know. We ah talked the other night and she wanted me to go out for – you know – Charlie's anniversary. I told her I couldn't go because of the babies. I thought maybe she'd put you up to this."
"You talked Jack?" Daniel asked, clearly astonished and totally ignoring the rest of Jack's words.
"Yes Daniel – I talked, okay? She is my wife you know." he answered sarcastically. Oh boy! He had been right – Daniel had picked up on that one real quick.
Surprisingly however, Daniel didn't pursue it. Instead he simply replied.
"Look Jack, Sam really didn't say anything to me. I just know this is important for you and I also know you wouldn't want to leave Sam right now. I thought maybe if Teal'c and I were there, plus Cassie, you'd feel comfortable enough to go for a couple of days. That's all I was thinking."
Jack slowly shook his head and smiled. God, what a lucky, lucky man he was! With that he replied to Daniel.
"Thanks Danny. I appreciate it. Let me talk to Sam, okay, and I'll get back to you."
After another couple of minutes catching up on the latest news Jack signed off and went to speak with Sam.
Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf
Flying back from Colorado Springs (he didn't think it right to ask to be beamed for what was essentially a personal reason – although he had checked in at the SGC while there) he pondered the events of the last few days. Although the day at the cemetery was always difficult and full of sadness, this year for the first time he had a sense that there was something beyond the grief. He was able to actually allow himself to truly feel all the emotions – sadness, anger, guilt, loss – and share them with Sara because he knew there was something positive on the other side.
His time with Sara was lovely. They were able to spend time as friends, as family – without the discomfort of guilt or anger between them. She spent a lot of time telling him about her family which, for the first time, didn't leave him feeling envious. He could openly share things about his life with Sam and his hopes for the future. He didn't know if they could ever have a normal relationship as friends, with the families getting together or anything, but he knew she would always have a special place in his heart. It was no longer the place Sam held though. She was now his 'life-mate' and he was truly happy.
He could hardly wait to get back home. Unbelievably he was actually looking forward to arriving in D.C. although he did recognize it was because of the people, not the place. He still hated the politics and back-stabbing and continued to ponder his future. He had decided he'd wait until after the babies were born to make any decisions. He had been considering options however.
David met him at the airport and drove him home. That was one thing he'd hate to give up, he thought, if he left his present job. Having a personal driver was extremely convenient. David had also become a friend, although there was still a formality between them that would always exist as long as he was his superior officer.
Arriving home he made his way up to the front door and quietly let himself in. He was earlier than planned so no one was expecting to see him yet. He listened and heard laughter coming from the living room. As he walked in he looked around and saw his team – his family – seated around the table playing a game and laughing. From the chips in front of him it was obvious that, whatever they were playing, Teal'c was cleaning up.
Yup – he was glad to be home!
Sorry – didn't get to the action part – it's coming – but don't worry Sam and babies will be fine! I would never hurt them!
Thanks again to Alimoo for the wedding dress description. She sent me pictures and a description of an actual dress from the 60's!