As always, antiaol, bmango and mskathy own me. Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight. But I own Subward

Our Lives Unbound, Chapter 21: Our United Front

In the morning, I wake to the sound of a light hum and to the feeling of Bella pulling her body from my arms. Groaning softly, I just grip her more tightly to my chest and bury my face against her hair.

"Edward," she complains, and in her voice I hear her wakefulness. Mumbling my discontent, I still refuse to let her go.

Not this morning.

Not when she's so close.

"My phone, Edward."

"Don't care," I mumble, rolling slightly to place some of my weight on her body. She is giggling and soft, and my erection stirs as her nakedness presses against mine.

"It's just going to keep going off if you don't let me go."

I shake my head and sigh as she manages to free one arm, reaching across the bed to her nightstand while keeping her ass flush with my body. "Five more minutes," I beg, holding her hip while my other hand brushes her breast. "Or all day. We could just stay in bed all day."

In my peripheral vision, I can see Bella's hand close around the phone, and I groan, knowing this particular battle is lost. I still do not give up, though, following her body as it moves toward the other side of the bed and nuzzling the side of her throat.

"Fuck."

Closing my eyes, I drop my head to the pillow and bury my face. "Wwwhat is it?"

"Ugh." She reaches to the side again, and this time I do not resist. The phone hits the table with a too-loud slap, surprising me into opening my eyes, but then Bella is cradling herself back against my body, her face to my neck and her leg draped possessively over my side.

"Bella?"

"Alice."

"Oh."

The warmth of waking with my lover in my arms is shredded through, something cold splitting my chest, and I squeeze Bella closer. She does not resist, melting into my embrace and winding her arms around my back, a warm fist pressing firmly against my spine. For a few minutes, we lie together just like that, a bubble of skin and love. We are insulated from the world.

But the world will be intruding soon.

Still ghosting my fingertips over her skin, I roll to my back and pull her with me so she can rest her head against my chest. Even as I enjoy the warmth of her touch, I ignore the effect her nakedness has on my body, grabbing her hand when it begins to move toward my erection and kissing softly at her palm.

"So? Alllice?"

She sighs heavily, to the point where I can almost hear her rolling her eyes. "So, according to her text, she's coming home in a couple of hours and expects to 'have a word with me.'" Lifting slightly off my chest, Bella presses her lips to the space just above my heart, and I tighten my hand around her hip.

For all that we spent the night wrapped warmly in words of love, we have not spoken at all about the words that gave us the impetus to speak them. We have not spoken about what we are and what we need, or about what people may think if they find out. In the thoughtful silence that has settled around us, I can hear Alice's voice in my mind. It is bitter and it is clear.

And it hurts almost as much as it did last night.

My breath is tight when I speak, but I manage to keep my voice steady. "What do you think you'll say to her?"

"Ugh," Bella groans. "I don't know. Obviously I need to set her right on a lot of things." With an annoyed grunt, she pushes herself up onto her elbow, her hand warm against my chest, and I can see the apology already forming in her eyes. "I swear, Edward, I had no idea - those things she said..."

She is shaking her head. Seeing the way she is fighting for words hits something deep inside of me, and I drift my knuckles over the slope of her cheek, lifting slightly from the shoulders to kiss the very corner of her lips. "It's OK, Bella. I know."

"No, it's not OK. Not even close. She was so, so horrible to you." Her hand moves up to touch my face, bending to kiss my mouth as I let my head fall. "I would never have said any of that. Ever."

I search her eyes, but it is with no doubt as to what I will find there. "I believe you."

We kiss softly before she sighs and falls back to the bed, taking her hands from my body to press the heels of them roughly to her eyes. While I want nothing more than to touch her, I can feel the tension in her body. I shift slightly to my side to put a couple of inches between us and pull up the sheet to just cover her breasts.

Staring at her, so beautiful and so worried there in the pale morning light, I touch just her arm and whisper, "Talk to me, Bella. Wwwwhatever you need to say, I can take it."

She looks up at me with eyes that are dry but red. "It's nothing about you, sweetheart. It's just Alice, and I - I still can't believe all the things she said. I'm trying to figure out how she could have possibly thought those things. I mean, I told her a little about what you and I do …"

She trails off a little, and I feel my own face flush. Still, I seek to reassure. "It's o-k-k-kay, Bella. You're allowed to talk to your friends about me. About us. Eeeven - even that," I stammer, fighting through the tightness in my lungs that seeks to protect myself. But for now, I am more interested in protecting her. "It mmmust have been hard for you. Getting into a relationship like ours, after everything." The litany of images she showed me dances over my memory, and I try not to wince, remembering how upset she was as she spoke about the men who had hurt her.

Of the people who expected her to be something she could never be.

Her mind seems to float to the same thing as her eyes squeeze closed, her head shaking back and forth.

"P-please, Bella," I whisper again, moving my hand to the side of her neck, my fingertips rubbing softly at her scalp. "Talk to me?"

Her eyes open, warm, with a certain vulnerability hanging just around their edges as she stares up at me, turning slightly to press her lips to my wrist.

"She … she was happy for me at first. Really happy. I'd been doing the internet dating thing for a few months, and it had been … disappointing. I kept seeing all the little flaws in people. But then I met you and something just clicked, you know?" She looks to me for agreement, and I grant it immediately, nodding and asking for more. Shrugging, she continues, "And it was like none of the little stuff mattered."

I cannot hold back my laugh at this. While I know she sees beyond my difficulties, they are never very far from my mind.

And they are never, ever 'little' things.

Her hand is warm on my chin, her look warning. "I'm serious, Edward." Without giving me a chance to protest, she keeps going. "I told Alice about you, and she had some reservations, but on the whole she was really great. Like, she told me the couple of things that concerned her, and I took it all to heart. Told myself I wouldn't get too involved too quickly. But then things got really heavy … "

"Sssexually?"

"Yes. And no. I mean, of course we slept together, and that was fast, but considering I'd been wanting to tear your clothes off since the first date, it didn't really seem that way. Alice and I have always talked about that stuff, so I told her we'd had sex," she says matter-of-factly, but then her mouth twists up into a grin as she leans forward to kiss me. "And how it was fucking amazing." Her lips linger on mine before she pulls back. "I told her how I sort of took charge of things, and how you were cool with that, and how hot that was, but I didn't go into detail."

"OK." I nod and move to take her hand.

"It wasn't … it wasn't till you got us the cuffs that I told her where that aspect of things was going. I mean, I didn't want to lay our whole sex life out for her, but I was so excited and so scared, and I was already in so deep …" Bella shifts her hand to more firmly clasp mine. "I told her you got us some hand-cuffs and that you were really excited to use them, and that I thought things were really amazing. And then when we decided on safe words and stuff and I realized we were really going to do this thing …

"She was skeptical. Like, really unsure about the whole thing, but she told me to enjoy myself. Make the most of it, you know? But, like, be careful that I was doing it for me and not just for you." She breaks off, and I watch as her mouth twists slightly down. "And when I got really scared, she was the one to suggest I take a step back."

Sensing her discomfort, I sit forward to kiss her fingertips. "It's alright. That's b-behind us now."

"I know," she says, but her voice is deep with meaning and regret. "I'm just trying to think how … how she could have thought you were... corrupting me or whatever. I never told her you wanted me to be a fucking dominatrix or whatever. I told her we were getting a little bit of role-play and some rougher stuff, but no details. Hell, I didn't even - "

Her voice cuts off abruptly, and I dart my eyes to her face, only to find it pale.

"B-Bella?"

Taking the sheet with her, she sits up, her one hand frantic in her hair and her eyes intently focused on her desk. I straighten up beside her, keeping my gaze on hers.

"What is it - "

Her eyes suddenly dart to mine and her hand comes up to her mouth. "Fuck," she curses quietly. "I - oh, Jesus."

My heart is racing, all my anxieties lurching until it is all I can do not grab her face and force her to speak to me.

Finally, her one hand settles on mine while the other plays nervously with her lip. "OK, so don't freak out on me. I was going to talk to you about all of this - like, decide what we wanted to do together and all. But at my last temp job I met this guy - his name's Eleazar or something, I think, but we all just called him Lee."

My chest is thundering, my fingers white with the tightness of my grip, and it feels like the world is closing in. The only thing keeping me afloat is that she loves me.

Bella loves me.

"Edward! Edward, calm down." Her index finger and thumb grip my chin, pulling me back to her and away from my mind's violent spiraling. "This guy, Lee, is really into, well, like, the local scene. Him and his wife, Carmen. They … they like the kind of stuff we do."

Relief washes over me, and I feel myself re-centering. Relaxing.

"Oh. Oh."

Bella smiles as she sees signs that I am understanding.

And I am thankful that the sheet across my lap hides just how well I understand, indeed.

Pulling herself closer, she reaches forward to lightly kiss me, keeping her hand on mine to tether me. "I don't even know how we got talking about it. I think I must have made a joke or something, and he asked me if I was serious. And it turns out we both were." She flushes slightly. "So after we got talking, he invited us to something. A 'munch'? Something like that. With other people who …" She pauses for a moment and lets her fingertips trail to the leather cord around my neck. " … people who, um, shop in our section of the sex store, if you get my meaning."

My eyes widen, but Bella is quick to redirect. "Not that we have to decide about anything like that right now," she reassures me. "Just, after he mentioned it to me, I started doing some more extensive, um, research. On my laptop."

Understanding begins to creep over me.

"And Alice borrows your laptop," I guess.

Bella nods nervously. "Constantly. So fucking annoying, really. But this time … "

"You think she got the wrong idea?"

"Maybe..." Bella concedes. "If she did, then that would certainly explain some things. But it still doesn't forgive - She still had no right - "

I can hear Bella's temper rising, and while I am listening, I am also distracted, the gears turning in the background of my mind. The reality of the fact that Bella wants to pursue our sexual needs more openly is slowly washing through me, something high and hot emboldening me, and with more nerve than I typically show, I lean forward as she is speaking and silence her with my tongue. Slowly and deeply, I kiss her, my hands drawing her firmly against me.

Secure in her feelings, I feel my pettiness and insecurity falling away.

I feel generous. Giving.

After all, I have so much.

When I finally break away to breathe, I urge her firmly, "You need to talk to her."

"But what she said - what she thought -"

"So set her straight then. Just - just t-talk to her, Bella. She's your best friend. You don't need to go into this swinging just because of me."

"No?" she murmurs, but her voice now is teasing, one eyebrow creeping up as she wraps an arm around my neck and presses her bare chest to mine. "'Just' because she unfairly insulted the man that I'm in love with?"

I am beaming as I hold her to my body. "Just that," I agree, my face so close to her that our lips are nearly brushing. "Say it again?"

"What? That I'm in love with you?"

"Yes," I breathe. "Just that."

#~~#~~#

Stepping back into my apartment is a study in contrasts. There is a stark whiteness of walls and a stillness that has settled there over so many years.

But there is life now, too.

There is life inside of me.

Setting myself down on my couch, I breathe in and out. Inhales and exhales. And yet every breath is new.

Wanting to hold onto this feeling for just a little longer, I stretch out, my head on the armrest and my feet dangling well off the edge. Instinctively, my hand comes up to touch the leather cord around my neck, and just the feel of Bella's love and her initial against my skin awakes a low hum of arousal in my body, spent as it may be.

And the happiness of that statement - of knowing that I have made love so many times in the past twenty-fours that I have no more than a passing interest in sex - twists something sharp inside my chest. It is twinge like love and pain, and it feels better than anything I have ever imagined.

I close my eyes and think of all the years I spent here on this couch, my body stiff and wanting in every sense, my posture closed. I remember thinking I would always be alone, lacking for any touch except my own.

I remember being so, so alone.

Reflexively, I grip my collar - the necklace my lover has given me to mark me as hers. As my fingers dance over leather and metal, I let memories of unhappiness and isolation drift away, unnecessary and unwanted here amidst the glow still left over from the previous day. Instead, I drag my mind to thoughts of Bella, and I can almost feel her. Above me. Beside me.

With her sex all over my mouth.

Feeling my arousal returning, I think of parting from her earlier this morning - of kissing her endlessly in her doorway until she had to push me out into the hallway, lest her roommate return only to find me begging her to take me just one more time before I went away.

I think of how we told each other, "I love you," as she closed the door behind me.

And I think about how, already, I cannot wait until I can see her again.

Exhaling deeply, I pull myself to sit up properly and dig my phone out of my pocket, placing it on the table and staring at it wistfully as I power my laptop on. Another small pang rings out in my heart, thinking of where Bella must be right now. I wonder what she will say and what Alice will do.

I wonder if Alice's words will be hateful or accepting.

If she will try to dissuade Bella from being with me.

And if her efforts will work.

Providing no answers, my phone remains still and silent on the coffee table, and I sigh as I try to focus on my computer screen. For a while, I endeavor to lose myself in the world of words where I always found respite in my many lonely years, and to some extent, I succeed.

Finally, after about an hour, my phone illuminates, lighting something, too, inside of me. I leap for it eagerly, an unspoken prayer on my lips that Bella will tell me that everything went perfectly. That her friend is still hers and that Bella is still mine. That she and I and we are okay.

When I see my brother's name and number flash across the screen, my chest deflates, and without much thought, I silence the call. A minute later, I am unsurprised to be informed that I have a new voicemail. Ignored, it joins the small collection of messages I have now accumulated, figuring I will listen to them later. If the pattern holds, it will be a quick smattering of guilt and innuendo, followed by a threat that if I do not call back soon, Emmett will come find me and my girlfriend, and that I will not be happy when he does.

I smile in spite of myself at that thought. For decades, I have entertained vague notions of becoming my brother's equal. Sure and fluent. Handsome and at ease.

Loved.

The urge to tell someone, even Emmett, about my happiness is so strong that I briefly entertain the idea of returning his call, but I dismiss it quickly. Another day, perhaps. One when I am not so happy and will not have so far to fall.

Instead, I bury myself again in documents and emails, typing out the words that my throat so rarely lets me speak. And much like the day that I first realized my love, they flow.

The hours pass by without my really noticing, and it is not until daylight is nearly gone that I realize the time. I glance at my phone again, nearly itching now with curiosity about where Bella is and how things are going.

Unable to restrain myself, I tap out a quick message, simply asking if she is alright and letting her know that I am thinking of her.

Another hour later, alone in the dark, the silence becomes stifling, my certainty increasing that whatever is happening in the world beyond my grasp is bad. My neck is slightly raw with the way I have taken to constantly worrying the soft leather rope, and my eyes are unfocused, my anxiety as real as the happiness I reveled in so recently.

At nearly nine, the silence is finally broken. A rushed series of knocks sounds on my door, and I am almost there when I hear the key turning in the lock, my tired, worried eyes meeting brown ones. They speak so much as they stare at me.

They speak of decision and of pain.

And then, Bella is in my arms.

"Wwwwhat happened?" I breathe as I hold her so, so close to me, relief and worry both flooding me.

"I don't even know," Bella hiccups. Her tears are hot and wet on my cheek. "I don't know why the fuck I'm crying. I just..." Her arms tighten around my neck, and I clench my eyes, lifting her slightly off her feet and holding her desperately to my body.

"Did Alllice - "

Bella's face is buried against my neck now. "She's supposed to be my friend. Why can't she just let me be happy?"

"Shh. It's alright." To soothe and comfort is not in my experience, and even as I am holding her, I find myself floundering. Setting Bella down on her feet, I move my hands to her face, pulling it from my chest to stare into wide, hurt eyes. "T-tell me what you need."

She pulls me down into a soft, wet kiss, all lips and tongues, before hugging herself tightly to my chest. With her head fitted to the space beneath my chin, I surround her in my arms. It makes me feel strong. Needed.

"Bella?"

"Just this," she murmurs quietly. "Just this."

#~~#~~#

In a ball on my lap, Bella slowly recounts an afternoon of condescension and slammed doors, and while I hold her close the entire time, I find I cannot always bring myself to meet her eyes, heartbroken as they are. She tells me how she explained our happiness and our love, our sexual needs and our satisfaction. While some of it is so strange to hear when described from outside my own spinning mind, Bella's version of our history reads much like my own. It is one of shared desires and of discovery.

And in Alice's eyes, it is one that is destined to end in tears.

"It's like she refuses to even try to see it from my point of view."

I wipe away her tears with my thumb. "What d-did she say?"

"That I'm ruining my life, basically, getting involved in this kind of thing. Somehow it'll get out what we're doing, and it'll destroy my career. Like I have one," she scoffs, dragging a hand through her hair. "That you're just using me. That you're not good enough for me."

This last sentence resonates within me, but I push away the doubt that is always so near at times like this. Knowing that Bella needs me - that she has chosen to be here with me - I refuse to indulge the insecurity, simply nodding and kissing her forehead.

"And?" I urge.

"And she's wrong. She just … she made me so mad." Bella's tears are all but gone now, her hands balling into fists, and her eyes are clear. "We sort of went back and forth and back and forth. Every time I told her she didn't get it, she stormed off. Not that that's atypical or anything." She sniffs and raises her head. "At the end, she said something about how I shouldn't come crying to her when this all explodes in my face, and I … I just had to get out of there."

Bella's eyes meet mine, narrowing slightly with nerves as she takes her lip between her teeth. "Shit. I probably should have called. I mean, I don't know if you had plans or - "

I chuckle and kiss her temple. "I'm just g-glad you're here," I murmur, rubbing my hand up and down her side. "I was nervous for you. All afternoon, I kept thinking about you, wondering how it was going." Keeping my lips pressed softly to her skin, I ask, "Do you feel better now?"

She nods and leans into me. "You always make me feel better."

I smile, my chest glowing with something low and warm.

"Is there anything else I can d-do?" I wrack my brain for common courtesies and comforts, uncertain what, if anything, I can offer. "Tea? Back rub?" I grin. "Ffffflogger?"

She sits up straighter and makes a sound like a growl in the back of her throat, grinning lasciviously. "Now you're talking."

Uncertain if she is serious or not, I probe her eyes. There is something heavy to the moment, for all that we are each trying to make it light. Behind what we are saying, there is more.

There is a choice.

And it is not one that I ever want Bella to regret.

"You're sure?" I ask finally. "What if Alice is right?"

Bella's fingertips settle over my lips. "I'm sure. About you. About what I want to do with you."

Pushing past my own fragile heart and the soft ache that my own quiet words want to make, I ask one last thing. "And wwwwhen it … if it exp-p-plodes..."

She shakes her head fervently and cuts me off with a kiss. "Key word: if." Her mouth pushes once more against mine, and then she pulls away so we can see each other clearly. "Edward, I don't want to start a relationship assuming it's going to fail. If you're - if you have doubts..."

"No," I whisper firmly. "None."

Bella's lips curl up into a smile. "I mean, I know we haven't been together for long, but this … this feels right to me. If we have problems, we'll deal with those as we go. But if we're going to do this, I want to do it. I'm all in."

I search her eyes and touch her cheek. I want to be restrained, a voice of reason, even though my heart feels like flying, but there is no hiding the happy smile that wants to tear my cheeks apart. While I have never been a betting man, I know full well that everything that matters is already on the line.

Still grinning foolishly, I kiss her. And against her skin, I tell her, "Then I'm all in, t-too."

Her answering smirk is mischievous as she places a teasing peck against my nose.

"Good. Now what was that you were saying about a flogger?"

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A/N: Bad news, more bad news and good news:

Bad news: My in-laws are coming to stay with me ALL FREAKING WEEK next week for Thanksgiving.

More bad news: There will be no new chapter of Our Lives Unbound next week. Believe me, I am going to be all tied up and NOT in that good way.

Good news: If you have me on author alert, I wrote a oneshot for the The Cherry Exchange contest that I'll be posting soon - probably sometime this weekend. It's not redemptive kinky smut, but hopefully it will help tide you over until Subward's glorious return (and yes, this will also include the glorious return of kinky, kinky smut) in TWO weeks.

When I give thanks for the good things in my life next week, you will all be among them. Thank you for reading and for reviewing. And Happy Thanksgiving!