Chapter 21
Remembrances
I had spent the better part of the day traipsing about town, buying some grocery that I hoped I'd be able to eat, cleaning supplies and other odds and ends that I figured I'd need. I got a haircut, finally removing any trace of the long hair I once had and bought myself some jeans that actually fit my frame.
Somewhere in the shopping, I'd happened upon a set of silver colored frames. They weren't fancy and they weren't real silver, but they would do nicely. I also picked up a pecan colored wood frame for Soda's picture and a black frame for the group shot I still had hidden in my bag back at the apartment.
I put the packet for Mrs. Waters in the mail this morning while buying stamps, and had stopped by the library to borrow some math and science textbooks so I could study. Passing that GED was vital.
In the real world, I was only a 16 year old high school junior, but I had always taken advanced classes. It wasn't easy being the only greaser in a class filled with soc's, no one to talk to or buddy with... and they were all older than me. Having lab assignments where I was supposed to have a partner was foolish. I worked alone, my teachers having given up trying to force the issue. I did better alone, I had to. There was no one I could ask questions to except the teachers, so I either fully understood the assignment or I bombed it, and Darry would skin me for bad grades.
After a few hours of math and science review, I had a headache and took some aspirin. Finally I took out the pictures I'd been carrying with me in my bag. I know Darry would be mad at my taking them, but he had a house full of scrapbooks and photographs to look at. These four pictures were all I'd kept of my old life, my only connection to the family I had lost – one person at a time.
I took the group shot I loved so much, framed it and put it by my bed. There they all were, most of them gone now. Now I could see them all every morning when I'd wake up and end my days with their image in my eyes. Happier times, when we were all together. Those days were gone forever. I hid the Army letter behind this picture. It fit in the frame like a glove, so it was sandwiched between the picture and the cardboard backing of the frame. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to read it, but for some reason I wanted to have it. Proof of the highest cruelty the country could bestow on us... on me... hidden behind everyone I had loved and lost.
I framed my mothers photo next. It was hard trying to remember her. All the photos were black and white, but I remember her hair was blond with a subtle red tint to it – a cross between Soda's and mine, only mine was much darker, getting the brown tint from dad. Her eyes were blue, like Darry's, but clearer.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to remember more. It's sad that I don't remember much, she and dad were killed when I was only 13 and I would have thought I could remember more. The brakes had failed on their car and they were hit by a train at a crossing, both died instantly. My memories are more like snip-its of information, not full length remembrances.
Suddenly I remembered how she used to hold my hand when I walked, and hold me tight when I was scared, wrapping her arms around me. Then suddenly, her voice came alive in my brain, and I could hear her comforting words in my mind just as they used to surround me back then, when I was little.
"It's okay, my little colt. Mommy's here, no one will hurt you." She'd say it over and over when I was little, rocking me in her arms and holding me tight until what ever had frightened me went away.
I wished I could be her little colt again. I had a sudden desire to feel protected, to have someone's arms holding me, comforting me, telling me everything was okay again. I stood there a moment, caught up in that feeling, then shook my head and moved on to dad's picture.
Oh dad... I wish I had your strength. You gave it all to Darry, I wish you had left some for me. I don't even know if I made you proud. Darry did, we all knew that. Your eyes always beamed with pride at anything he or Soda did. You and Darry were always out playing football together or working with Soda on the car, showing him the engine and the belts and how it all worked together. Not much else was left for me. You talked with Darry and Soda all afternoon and would just grin at me, passing by me at the piano as you would come in at the end of the day, my brothers prancing about at your side. I needed you too, did you even know that? I was your son too. You left me out of your life. Now there's no chance for us.
Oh dad, I know I've made a mess of things, but I'll fix it. I was the one holding your star player back, but Darry's got the money now, he'll go on to college and be something, just like you wanted him to. I know I was the one keeping Darry from achieving all you set out for him, but I'm not in his way anymore.
I'll make it on my own. I never really fit in anyway. I've always been the outsider in the family, even in the gang. Now the gang has fallen apart and Soda has drifted off to an eternal sleep. I am alone. Somehow I'll make it. Someday I'll find a way to make you proud of me, too. I wiped my eyes and put his framed picture next to mom's on an empty shelf on the bookcase.
I looked at Soda's picture and put it in its frame. My heart was too heavy to try to think of him. I placed it with mom and dad's pictures on the bookshelf. He's with them now, in Heaven and on earth as Darry should have laid him to rest by mom and dad by now in the cemetery outside of town. I hoped he put a yellow rose on Soda's grave for me, as it is what I would have done if I had been there, if I had been able to do anything at all. Here I am so far away and am falling apart at the mere thought of them. At least they are all together now, Mom, Dad and Soda. Oh damn! My tears were rolling now and I couldn't stop them. My head was pounding at my temples and from experience, I knew sleep was the only thing to take away the agony if the aspirin didn't work.
I turned off the lights and curled into a ball under the covers on the bed, wishing I had Soda next to me again. I closed my eyes and thought really hard about him, finally I saw his smile in my dreams and I relaxed. God, Soda, I miss you.
XXX
It's short, but packed full of emotion. Hope you like it.