Chapter 20

"Kirk to Spock."

"Yes, Captain."

"I have another project for you. I'm sending Chekov up with three data tapes: yours, mine and McCoy's. When you get the computer working, please review and delete the classified. They can have the rest of it. What you do with yours is up to you. Bones doesn't even know they exist yet."

McCoy approached to hear the last few words. "Doesn't know what exists?"

"A data tape of your entire life. You can have it back, destroy it, or let them keep it. Your choice."

"What do they want that for?! I sure don't want it."

"Sixty-five's a historian. He thinks we're a legend. He wants to write a book or two."

"You two are the legend, not me. On the other hand, maybe we have a medical secret they don't know. Sure, let 'em have it. I don't mind."

"Okay. Spock, there are multiple copies already in the computer."

"Understood. Spock out."

"You didn't even ask him how much longer."

"If he knew, he would have told me."

"Well, since it's obviously going to be awhile, the doctor is prescribing food and water for everybody. We've been here all day without a break. The rest of them got some sleep last night, but you and Spock didn't."

"I got four hours."

"That's supposed to be sufficient?! Considering the previous forty-eight hours? This has not exactly been what I'd call a stress-free vacation!"

"Are you trying to tell me to go home to bed?"

"No, because I know you won't. It's just ... Jim, I don't know how else to tell you I care."

"It's okay, Bones. I understand. The Lord sustains us."

"Which reminds me. I got the story on that rescue from Third. If I understand it correctly, you should both be flat out exhausted, and you're not."

"You got the picture right, okay, but you're missing an important ingredient. Yes, it took everything we had, and even that wasn't enough. The Lord supplied the difference. But what Third probably didn't tell you is that the Lord also renewed our strength with a hot drink that tasted like nothing I've ever had before. I can't tell you what was in it, and you won't find it in my bloodstream, but it worked. Does your med-scanner tell you I'm exhausted?"

"No, it doesn't, but what does it know? It's only a machine!"

Kirk laughed. "Don't fight it, Bones. Some things are simply beyond medical science."

Kirk sat down to talk with First.

*How are you holding up?*

*Well enough, I suppose. I keep thinking about Spock trying to figure out how to use my computer. It wasn't built for humans, you know.*

*Spock can do it if anybody can.*

*I can hardly fathom what insanity made me do what I did. To contemplate suicide makes a kind of sense to me, but to condemn all the rest of them too is not logical. It's not their fault that I am to die; they are only following instructions.*

*I learned a long time ago that matters of the heart are rarely logical. But what happened? Yesterday, you were so full of faith, and today, it had evaporated. Can you tell me about it?*

*I just went crazy. You can have no idea what it means for us to be so alone.*

*I don't, but I'd like to. You can show me if you will.*

*You want me to ... You want to feel what I ... Why?*

*I want to understand. Jesus wants to take your pain. It seems apparent that you can't give it to Him, or you would have. Can you give it to me instead?*

There was a long pause. Then suddenly, Kirk was First. He felt each of them - Fourteen, Sixty-five, Seventy-two, and all the rest - withdraw from him one by one, until he was all alone. He was absolutely terrified. He was suffocating, he was drowning, he was falling, falling, falling. The part of him that was still Kirk recognized this pit as the same one they had hauled Third out of. He kept thinking that eventually he would hit bottom, and then he would be able to breathe. But there was no bottom; he just kept falling, and the terror became more and more overwhelming. The Kirk part of him wondered how this terror could result in any behavior, rational or otherwise.

But then, things changed. He felt welling up within him a fierce rage. Kirk recognized the rage as First's attempt to battle the terror. The rage built and built until it exploded and crushed the terror out of existence. Then the rage became a cold and calculating anger. Kirk watched as First reprogrammed the computer, engineered a complex fail-safe device, monitored the inner room, talked to Kirk and Spock and transported them to the hallway. Then he retreated to Third's room. The anger disappeared, replaced by a deep, dark despair. Occasionally, he tried to talk to Third, but he knew it was hopeless. Finally, he saw Kirk and his crew arrive.

Back in his own body, Kirk asked, *How are you feeling now?*

*Mostly guilty for what I've done. Some despair, for I'm certain they will not reverse their decision. The terror is kept at bay as long as Third is here. Please make sure that you and your crew leave before he does. Then, there will be nothing to vent my rage on, except myself.*

*I understand. But before I leave, I hope to show you a better way to deal with the terror. Meanwhile, thank you for showing me your pain.*

*He told me you would ask.*

*Did you show it to Spock?*

*No, but he warned me you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.*

Kirk chuckled. *He knows me very well.* He sobered as he saw Spock descending the rope. *Here he comes now, and unless I'm mistaken, he has bad news. Success he would have reported by communicator.*

*"Do you need to talk to me or to First?"*

"Both, if I may." He picked up two arms, and placed them on his head. First plugged in. *We have succeeded in disarming the fail-safe device. However, I am completely unable to operate the computer. My fingers simply cannot do what theirs can do. And for obvious reasons, their computers are not coded for voice commands.*

*So you need a command decision. What are the options?*

*Life support systems seem to be on automatic, so First and his people are in no immediate danger. We could tow them to the nearest Starbase, where perhaps a means could be found to operate this elevator.*

*Scotty can't do it?*

*He made some reference to his track record with alien technology which was illogical, but by which I deduced the answer to be negative.*

*If Scotty can't do it, chances are the Starbase can't either. What's the other option?*

*It involves considerable risk, and were there any other feasible way for them to get home, I would not suggest it. During our previous conversation, First, I gathered that you are the resident computer expert aboard this vessel.*

*Yes, that's correct.*

*No other delegate has sufficient expertise to do what must be done?*

*No. I'm sorry.*

*Then, Captain, the only solution I see is to meld with one of the delegates, so as to use his hands and my expertise to accomplish the task.*

*You mentioned risks.*

*Yes, sir. Were this to be done by you and me, the risk would be minimal. You have considerable experience with this kind of thing, your mind is very receptive, and you are not afraid of me, or of the experience itself.*

*The same cannot be said of the delegates.*

*They have many barriers and many fears. The operation is made more difficult by two other factors. I would need this person to physically come to First's room, and I would need him disconnected with any of the other delegates.*

*Spock! Do you know what you're asking for?*

*Yes, Captain, I believe so.*

*I haven't talked to Third yet, but if his experience was anything like First's, then we can assume they all would react the same way. That's an awful lot of emotional turmoil to control, before you could get anything done. What is the risk of permanent damage?*

*Insufficient data to be certain, but relatively low probability, assuming we can control the terror.*

*And the risks to you, Spock?*

*The usual risks associated with any meld are compounded by the fact that this will be the seventh meld in less than two days. This is a deeper, stronger meld than what these people are used to. It is not a conversation, or even a probe for information. To be successful, I must exert sufficient control to be able to use his body as if it were my own. In a sense, I must become him, and he must lose any sense of self apart from me. I do not know if I can achieve this level of control in addition to controlling his emotions.*

*And if you can't?*

*There is a possibility I would crash and be unable to extricate us from the deep well we would fall into.*

*What about separating yourselves when you are finished?*

*That would become increasingly difficult with an extended time in the meld.*

*How long?*

*A few hours should be safe enough. Of course, I have no way of knowing how long the job will take.*

*Guess.*

*The time factor may become a significant element before we are finished.*

*Back to another issue. Why do you have to have him disconnected? He'll be fighting the fear of losing himself anyway, but the fear of aloneness makes it doubly overwhelming.*

*I am quite certain I cannot control seven minds.*

*What about mine? Could you do it if he was connected to me? Would that make enough difference to alleviate the fear of being alone? And would that difference be sufficient to warrant the added risk of having three minds in the mix instead of just two?*

*Probably. I don't know. And if so, yes.*

*First, do you have an opinion about that?*

*My opinion is that you are both absolutely crazy! What you are calmly sitting here discussing is an utterly appalling idea, and you will never convince any of my people to do such a thing.*

*But if we could? Would being connected to just one person, even if it isn't one of you, make a difference?*

*I'm sure it would help. But whether it would be sufficient, I have no idea.*

*We could find out.*

*Do not ask me to do such a thing.*

*I won't. However, I have another question: Which of your people would be most suitable for what we have in mind? Assuming we could get their cooperation.*

*I'm not sure. Twenty-nine probably has the weakest mind, but he's afraid of everything.*

Spock responded, *We do not necessarily want someone with a weak mind. On the contrary, it takes a very strong will to refuse to fight the takeover of your mind. And a strong personality will have less fear of loss of self, and be more able to conquer it.*

*In that case, you want Fourteen. But I would say he's the least likely to do this.*

*Nevertheless, he has the right to a choice. The alternative is permanent exile.*

Kirk went to talk with Fourteen.

*So, Captain, were you able to talk with First?*

*Yes. I now know why he did what he did, and he needs healing. Right now, however, we have a slightly more pressing problem. As you know, Spock has been working on unlocking the controls. He has succeeded in dismantling the mechanical part of the lock. However, he cannot operate the computer, because it is not adaptable to five-fingered hands. The elevator is apparently completely inoperable, so we cannot get First up there to undo the damage. Also, we cannot simply transport him up there, for the same reason that we cannot operate the computer. We understand there is no one else aboard with sufficient computer expertise to accomplish the task. Mr. Spock has the knowledge, but not the hands. We could tow you to the nearest Starbase, where an alternative solution might be found. Neither Mr. Spock nor Mr. Scott are very hopeful on that score. Mr. Spock has another alternative that requires your assistance. It entails considerable personal risk, but you need to understand that the alternative is very likely permanent exile.*

*Go on.*

*Mr. Spock is proposing a mindmeld with you or one of the other delegates, in which he would take over enough of your mind to operate the computer with your hands.*

*Why couldn't he just tell me what to do?*

*Because the process is too complex, and the probability of errors in translation too great. You do not know what he is looking for, and he cannot tell you until he has found it. And if you are doing the looking instead of himself, he probably won't find it. However, there are two other requirements you need to know. He will need you to physically come to First's room. Your arms are not long enough to do it from your room. A further problem is that you must be disconnected from your people. He must be able to deal with your mind alone, and not all seven of you.*

*This is not an easy thing to contemplate. How long would I have to endure this separation?*

*A matter of hours. Spock does not know how long it will take. You should also know that First's reaction to this separation was an overwhelming terror that he could not control. Assuming this terror would be a common reaction among you, we have discussed a possible means of controlling it. We would like to find out if the presence of my mind alleviates the terror sufficiently to be manageable.*

*If you will wait a moment, we can find out.* He was silent for many minutes. Finally, he spoke. *It does, but just barely. It is taking all my energy to battle the fear; I almost don't have enough left to talk with you.*

*You have disconnected with Sixty-five, and whoever's on the other side?*

*Yes. Sixty-five and Forty-six. With instructions to reconnect in five minutes.*

*You think you can last that long? And why don't I feel your fear?*

*Because it is my fear, not yours. I did not realize how intense it would be. After all, Third survived it for weeks. Five minutes did not seem long.*

*Yes, and he almost died. First battled it with rage. But then, he couldn't control the rage either. If you let me in, I can help you battle the fear.*

*I can't. The barriers are too solidly built.*

*Then I will pray for you. Lord, we've gotten ourselves into a mess and we need Your help. Please take the fear that Fourteen is experiencing and replace it with Your peace.*

Kirk continued to pray until Fourteen interrupted him.

*They're back and the fear is gone. Thank you. Sixty-five wants in on this conversation.*

*He's welcome. There's lots of room on my head. Well, that experiment was nearly a disaster. But it leaves me with a greater concern than your fear. If you cannot let the barriers down enough to let me share your fear, how can you hope to take them all down for Spock?*

Sixty-five arrived and Kirk explained briefly what they were talking about.

*So, I have two concerns: controlling the terror, and knocking down the barriers. Because he will not force his way in. You must open the door.*

*I do not know if I can do such a thing,* Fourteen lamented.

*Would a demonstration help? Are you concerned about loss of identity?*

*Yes, I suppose I am. What kind of demonstration?*

*I could ask Spock to demonstrate on me, while you and Sixty-five listen in. We would need to think of something that Spock knows how to do, but I don't. Then you could observe what Spock has to do to take over my mind, and what I have to do to let him do it; you would have the physical evidence of my hands doing something they don't know how to do; and afterwards, you could see whether I had lost my identity.*

*You do not appear to have any concerns about that, or about your ability to do this.*

*I don't. Spock thinks I can do it, and he said it was safe. I believe him.*

Sixty-five urged, *I think we should let them demonstrate. It certainly would give us a clearer picture of what they're asking us to do.*

*Very well.*

Kirk called Spock over, told him what had happened with Fourteen, and explained what he had in mind about a demonstration. Spock concurred it could be done, provided Fourteen and Sixty-five did not interfere, but merely observed. They promised to do so. They asked around for suggestions on what to demonstrate. Uhura suggested playing Spock's harp. It was well-known among the crew that Kirk did not have a musical bone in his body. Word spread that Spock was going to make Kirk play his harp, and they all gathered around to watch. The harp was sent for. Sulu was admonished to bring it down via the rope, rather than jumping.

Kirk and Spock sat on the floor with the harp nearby. Sixty-five and Fourteen each had two hands on Spock's head and two on Kirk's head. As Spock's hand approached his face, Kirk had a momentary sense of self-consciousness, because everybody was watching, but he rejected the thought as a distraction.

*Welcome, Spock, come in.* Kirk remembered briefly the last time he had said those words, and all that had occurred since.

*Jim, are you sure you want to do this?*

*Of course, why not?*

*I, too, am remembering.*

Kirk received a brief picture of the seed of hate falling into the pool of agony. He responded quietly. *Yes, I'm sure. Spock, I trust you.* He smiled. *What do I do?*

*As you sense me taking control of your mind, your natural instinct will be to fight me. I want you to exert every ounce of your willpower to refuse to do so. With every breath you take, actively release control to me.*

*I can probably keep that up for several minutes, but do you expect Fourteen to be able to do that for several hours?*

*No. That is why, when I have established control, I want you to stop working at it. Just relax and do nothing. Whatever happens, happens. You are not in control.*

*Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Okay, ready when you are.*

Kirk felt Spock begin to exert control. He experienced it as a pressure, a pushing, a squeezing. All he had to do was not push back. At first, it was easy. But as he was squeezed into a smaller and tighter place, it required more and more effort. He realized with gratitude that there was not the slightest shred of fear, not even any uncertainty regarding his ability to do this. Though he would not have been surprised to find it otherwise, the essence of who he was remained unchanged. There was no loss of identity, merely a compression. Suddenly, the pushing stopped. The pressure remained constant, but was no longer increasing. He relaxed with confidence. An inquiring thought, an 'I'm fine' response.

What followed was an unforgettable experience, but hard to describe. He felt Spock-himself pick up the harp and begin to play it, hesitantly at first, as one tests a new tool. As Spock infused his fingers with a skill they did not have, his playing grew in confidence. And Spock poured his soul into the music. Kirk had never heard him play like this before. There was a haunting melody, as of a child growing up with the hurts of a mixed heritage, but also as of the beauty of his desert home. The music changed, acquired more freedom and confidence. Out of that came two melodies intertwined together. They played back and forth for some time, finally rising in a crescendo of dissonance. And stopped. When they went on, it was low and quiet. But the music built again, this time in an expression of pure joy, ending on a final note of triumph. Spock-himself laid the harp on the floor and slowly began to retreat from Kirk's mind.

As the pressure eased, Kirk took several deep breaths to avoid rushing Spock. Finally, Spock removed his hand from Kirk's face, and he opened his eyes. He gazed into Spock's eyes for a long moment. Gift given and received; no words necessary. Spock knew that Kirk would treasure this memory for the rest of his days. Kirk knew that Spock had given him a priceless gift of himself, far more than was required for the demonstration. Spock was an amazingly complex creature, and Kirk counted it a privilege to call him friend. As Kirk smiled briefly at the crew, he could tell by the looks on their faces that they too recognized what Spock had done. Then he turned his attention to Fourteen and Sixty-five.

*Any comments or questions, gentlemen?*

Fourteen began. *Once again, you amaze me, Captain. I am gratified to observe that you can do this with no loss of identity, and you obviously have no barriers against Mr. Spock. But that you can do this without any sense of fear is beyond my comprehension. And I'm afraid that your ability to do this does not give me sufficient assurance that I can do it. Nevertheless, I suppose I will have to try.*

Sixty-five interrupted. *Excuse me, but is there some reason it has to be Fourteen, and not someone else?*

*No, it does not have to be Fourteen. I was discussing it with him, because I got the impression he was your leader.*

*Well he is, because he is First Clan. However, if this could be done by any of us, I would like to volunteer.*

*Why?*

*Because I think the experience is worth the risk. Because I want the kind of courage you have, and the only way to get it is to do the things you do. I think if you had been absolutely terrified, you would have done it anyway. I know you would have done it knowing it meant agony, because you did before.*

*Knowing something is going to be painful, and actually experiencing it are two different things. But you're right; I would do it again, if it was necessary.*

*God forbid!* prayed Spock.

*Indeed. Fourteen, do you have any objections to our using Sixty-five?*

*None, Captain. I think he's a little crazy, but then I know you're crazy - no offense intended.*

Kirk laughed. *None taken. I think it would be a good idea to work with Sixty-five on taking down some of the barriers. Spock, while I do that, I think you should get some rest. I do not want to have to make it an order. You haven't slept in four days, and this doesn't have to be done tonight.*

*Four point nine days, Captain. I should like to inquire as to whether Sixty-five should also rest.*

He knew better than to suggest the same for Kirk. That was Dr McCoy's job.

*We do have rest periods,* explained Fourteen, *but at much longer intervals than yours. None of us is due to rest for several days yet.*

*Very well. I shall return at 0600.*

Kirk decided that had been much too easy. Spock must have some other reason for wanting to return to the Enterprise. Well, he could hope that Spock would rest for at least part of that time. Because they both knew that the demonstration had been child's play, compared to what was yet to come. Kirk spent the next couple of hours with Sixty-five, coaxing him to open doors and take down walls. This involved reliving some experiences he would rather not have to remember. But for every such experience, Sixty-five opened up more of himself, so Kirk figured the price was worth it. Finally, Kirk told him he'd be back in a few hours, and they would find out how fast Sixty-five could open up. Kirk hoped the second time wouldn't take as long. They disconnected.

Kirk wanted to get back to First and his need for healing, but Uhura was talking to him, so Kirk decided to make the rounds of the other five delegates. He spent some time with each, sharing the Gospel in exchange for whatever they wanted to talk about. Somewhat to his surprise, each of them wanted to discuss his relationship with Spock. He shared stories of their various narrow escapes, as well as tidbits from their everyday life. They were interested in all of it, but each one eventually asked about Spock's attacking him. None of them could understand why Spock did what he did, nor why Kirk seemed to approve his actions. Above all, after what he had done, how could Kirk still trust him? Kirk promised a joint session later, where he and Spock would try to explain to all of them.

Meanwhile, it was well past midnight when he finally got to First. He prayed for wisdom and energy as he shared with First. He walked him through forgiveness, and giving Jesus the pain. However, he knew that the acid test was facing the terror. Since he was not ready to take that on, he didn't even mention it. Finally, he got back to Sixty-five about 0200. He was pleased to find Sixty-five able to open up right away, so he didn't spend much time.