"You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve. Why am I such a fool?"

I Hate How Much I Love You

The next morning, as they were packing their bags for the train, Helen noticed Sirius hovering uncertainly near her. She looked up at him questioningly and he took her by the arm and led her outside, not looking at her until they arrived under the same tree where Sirius had tickled her.

Helen looked into his eyes, trying to understand what was going on.

'I-' he started, catching himself and biting his lip. He took a deep breath and looked elsewhere. He found he couldn't think properly when he looked into her eyes.

Helen raised her eyebrows, waiting.

'You... um… er…'

Suddenly, Helen didn't know what possessed her. She took a step towards him and kissed him. Sirius was so shocked at this that he sprung back and pushed her away. Upon seeing Helen's face, which wore an expression of pure horror, however, Sirius realised exactly what had just happened and exactly what he had just done. Without a further word, she turned on her heel and ran back into the house.

Sirius knew he should run after her; try and tell her that that was exactly what he wanted, but his legs didn't move. When it fully hit him, however, that by doing nothing he may have effectively ruined any chances with Helen, he ran as fast as he could back to the house. He had to talk with her now- to make her realise that it was a misunderstanding.

As soon as Sirius entered through the front door, however:

'Let's go dear, in the car,' Mrs Potter said, pushing Sirius back out of the house.

'But…' Sirius stammered, looking around for Helen.

He sat glumly in the car, James and Peter joining him immediately; joking and laughing and completely oblivious to the fact that his world was, at the moment, looking as bleak and black as his last name. Five minutes later, he saw Helen leave the house with Remus as they finally got in the car.

Helen avoided Sirius' eyes as though they belonged to a basilisk throughout the whole journey, giving forced smiles to James' jokes and talking, every now and then, to Remus. Meanwhile, Sirius cursed himself over and over for not reacting by kissing her back. He wasn't sure Helen's temper would listen to his reasoning either.

Helen was the first to say goodbye to Mrs Potter and disappeared very quickly after she had done so. On the train, Sirius left his friends to search for her. She was nowhere to be found. After half an hour, he finally managed to locate Helen walking alone down a corridor, muttering to herself in Greek in a very frustrated manner. He grabbed her arm. She turned around and he saw her hazel eyes widen as she registered it was him.

'Helen, please!' he said, as she turned to leave.

Helen turned to face him, reluctantly. She avoided his eyes at all costs.

'I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me,' Helen said distantly, still not looking at him. She felt like such a fool for reading little things to mean that he liked her.

'No, Helen, I…'

But at that moment, Sirius was cut short as he was spun around and kissed fully and passionately on the lips by Gwen Harris, a Ravenclaw girl he was rumoured to go out with before school was out. Helen's eyes widened and she felt the sudden urge to throw up. She was running away from them as fast as she could when she ran into Lily.

'HELEN!' Lily said, hugging Helen who was fighting to keep her temper in check.

'What's wrong?' she asked, noticing Helen's face.

'Um… nothing,' Helen said, shaking her head and putting on a radiant smile.

She was silly before, but no more. Sirius and she were always enemies. She had seen a different side of him in the holidays, but now is what counted and the Sirius she had just seen was the one she despised.

Lily and Helen found an empty compartment and started talking about the holidays and how wonderful it was that Lily was made prefect. Helen listened mostly and spoke very little- it was easier to listen.

Rain started to patter the windows and Helen felt her façade washing away. She couldn't understand why Sirius wouldn't want her. Almost ever boy in the school wanted her! These thoughts pervaded Helen's mind whilst she smiled and pretended to listen to Lily.

After a few hours, there was a knock on the door and James sidled in.

'Hey Evans,' he said, grinning at her.

Lily gave him a cold look before turning to the window.

James sighed in defeat. He then turned to Helen, who was looking at him with a scrutinizing gaze; did he know?

'What's wrong?' he asked, sitting next to Helen.

Helen forced a smile which she was sure James could see through.

'Wrong? Nothing! Why, we're going back to school! Everything's great!' she said, cringing as she heard the falseness in her tone.

James considered her for a second before shrugging.

Lily cleared her throat.

'Want a cough drop?' James offered.

'Cough drop- no. You to leave-yes,' Lily snapped.

Helen smiled at James apologetically, who rolled his eyes and got up reluctantly.

'Well, see you later,' he said, leaving the compartment.

Helen did not look at Sirius throughout all of dinner. Instead, she chatted animatedly to Remus; flashing him radiant smiles and, in doing so, incensing Sirius even more. He lost track of her when dinner finished, searching for her desperately in the crowd.

'Who're you looking for?' James asked, thinking he had a pretty good idea who it was.

Sirius looked at James in despair.

'Mate… what happened?' James said, noticing Sirius' sullen attitude throughout the feast.

Sirius looked around and dragged James into an empty classroom.

'I fucked it up so badly. She… she kissed me just before we left… I didn't realise what was happening and so I pushed her away. Then, the next thing I know, she's gone back to the house and won't even look at me,' Sirius said mournfully.

'Helen kissed you?' James asked, surprised.

Sirius nodded his head.

'That's good, though! It means she likes you! Just talk to her and explain you didn't realise what was going on,' James laughed, clapping Sirius on the shoulder.

Sirius laughed bitterly.

'I wish that was all,' he said, picking insistently at the peeling paint on the wall.

'Why, what else happened?' James asked.

Sirius sighed and turned to face James.

'I tried to find her on the train… when I did- just as I was about to apologize and try and make up- bloody Gwen runs up to me and starts snogging me- IN FRONT OF HER,' Sirius said, cursing Gwen and himself for ever making out with her last term.

'You pushed her away, right?' James asked, horrified.

He knew what this would signal.

'Helen had already gone by that time,' Sirius said morosely.

James smiled at Sirius apologetically.

'Maybe you should let me talk to her?' he offered.

'No. No way. She hates me. That's it. I blew it, end of a story. Anyway, she likes Remus, not me,' Sirius added bitterly, as they walked out of the classroom.

Helen definitely did start hating Sirius. No one noticed, but she had felt so confused and hurt. She had allowed herself to admit to herself that she liked Sirius during the holidays; allowed herself to hope that perhaps he returned those feelings which had consumed her mind then and still did now. Each time she saw him talking to another girl, she would feel that sinking feeling in her heart.

Why didn't he like her?

What was there so special about girls like Gwen and Marina that he liked them, yet he couldn't even return her kiss?

What was he doing during the holidays then?

The hand-holding, the stolen glances… the staring during the night?

This made Helen even more confused and upset and she hated him for it. She hated him because, try as she might, she liked him now and she couldn't stop. She tried, very hard, to counter these feelings by having distractions again. This, however, just made it worse for her as she kept on wishing that Sirius was half as willing to like her as those faceless boys.

Sirius felt angry each time he saw Helen walk off with some guy. It was always a different one- he never saw her with the same one. It drove him more crazy than he could have ever imagined and it made him hate her, but want her even more. His nights were consumed with the same thought, repeating itself over and over in his head; would things have turned out differently if he had kissed her back? Was there the possibility that she liked him just a little bit during the holidays? These questions played over in his mind constantly and became more insistent whenever he saw her; creating a frustrating longing just to get rid of whoever she was with on the day, grab her and kiss her. He also tried, by going out with many girls, to rid himself of his ever-present feelings for Helen.

He hated her now, but liked her more than ever.

As with Helen, however, these attempts were futile because whenever he was with those girls, he despised them for not being Helen and for being so easy to achieve.

'James Potter.'

James looked up at Helen from the desk on which he and Sirius were finishing their homework in the Common Room.

'James is fine,' he grinned, wondering what had made Helen mad now.

'Don't give me that rubbish. I would like to know why the Hospital Wing is suddenly filled with boys who are linked to me,' Helen snapped.

'Really? How are they linked to you?' James asked, pretending to be surprised.

Of course he was very well aware of how, but he wasn't about to state it in front of Helen- especially when she was as incensed as she looked at present. He now knew Helen well enough not to provoke her when she was angry- she was downright dangerous.

'Don't play dumb. You know I was with them. People are now talking of an 'Asteria curse.' I would like to know who gave you the authority to beat up my interludes,' she continued, very snappily.

'Hang on… how many are there in the hospital wing who are 'linked' to you?' James asked, amused now.

'Seven,' Helen said hotly.

'Seven! You've been in the broom cupboard with seven different guys this past week? What is it? One a day?' James exclaimed.

Helen blushed a little.

'Don't tell me how to live my life. You had no right to hex them. I can take care of myself,' Helen snapped.

'Oh, but I didn't hex them,' James said, exchanging a quick glance with Sirius.

Helen's eye fell on Sirius and she suddenly had a very good idea as to how her 'distractions' were becoming mysteriously injured and then confuded so as to not know who their attacker was. She stared levelly at Sirius who returned her gaze unflinchingly. Eventually, she shook her head and turned around and left the table without another word.

'I think she knows, mate,' James said, kicking Sirius under the table.

'What?' Sirius asked, staring after Helen.

'I said- oh snap out of it! She knows you've been hexing her 'distractions.''

'Maybe she'll stop having them, then,' Sirius said mutinously, crossing out a line in his essay with such force that he put a hole through the parchment.

Months passed and it was soon December. Helen was still having distractions (she found that the 'Asteria curse' did not put too many off) and Sirius was more sought out by the general female population of Hogwarts than ever.

'Now, class, I am sure you are all aware that the Yule Ball is to be held on Christmas night this year and you are all allowed, in fact expected, to attend,' Professor McGonagall said on the 1st of December after class had finished.

Sirius and James exchanged significant looks.

'You are all to wear dress robes and may take a dance partner of your choice, should you wish,' McGonagall said.

Helen and Lily looked at each other.

'Maybe you should just go with him,' Helen whispered, knowing what Lily was thinking.

Lily smiled a little.

As they were packing their bags, Helen caught James' eye and nodded her head towards Lily who was already leaving.

'Hey, Evans!' James called after her.

Lily waited, looking at him expectantly.

'I…er… will you go with me to the ball?' James asked hopefully with a small, lopsided smile which Lily, although she would die before she admitted it, thought was rather cute.

She stared at him for a whole minute.

Helen saw James holding his breath and began to wonder if Lily knew that she would play a part in James' premature death by suffocation in delaying her response. After all, Helen wouldn't put it past Lily to do such a thing.

'Yes,' she said, finally and barely audibly.

'Yes?' James repeated, not sure he caught it.

'Oh for goodness' sakes- yes!' Lily snapped, sweeping out of the classroom and leaving James rooted to the spot, overjoyed.

Sirius caught Helen's eye. They stared at each other for a while before Helen merely looked away and turned to James and congratulated him.

'Maybe Potter's not that bad,' Lily said, that night, lying back in bed.

Helen smiled.

'No, I don't think he's that bad…' she said ironically.

'I'll never understand how you two are friends. He's such an arrogant…'

Helen shook her head.

'No. He's not, really. I mean, sure- he's got a huge ego and I'd be lying if I said he wasn't arrogant and downright insufferable at times but, generally, he's really nice and thoughtful and a great friend. It's just that he always gets nervous or embarrassed around you, so I think you only see his bad side because he tries to get your attention,' Helen said, thoughtfully.

Lily shrugged.

'Maybe… we'll see if he behaves himself at the Yule Ball. Who are you going with? Have you accepted anyone yet? I saw St Claire asking you today,' Lily asked, looking at Helen who bit her lip.

'No… no, I haven't accepted anyone. I'm not going,' Helen said, staring out of the window by her bed at the night sky, but turning away as she saw the star Sirius. She sighed, frustrated.

Did everything have to remind her of him?

Lily sat up.

'What do you mean, you're not going? Of course you have to go!' she exclaimed.

Helen shook her head.

'No. I don't really want to go anymore. It'll be a waste of time anyway, seeing as there's no one I like who would ask me, and I don't want to spend a whole night; not to mention the preparations etc, on someone like St Claire,' Helen said.

Lily surveyed Helen for a while.

'Why don't you ask someone like Remus to go? You're friends, and it would be fun! Come on, please go!' Lily pouted.

Helen laughed.

'No. I don't ask guys…' she said, her mind trailing back to the holidays and how she explained her philosophies on such matters to Sirius and James. She grimaced as she thought of Sirius who, no doubt, would go to the ball with someone who was not her and give her his attention for a whole night.

'I hate Sirius Black,' Helen thought to herself for the millionth time since starting school.

If only it were true. It would make her life much easier.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

Now, for this chapter I owe special thanks to A-Lady for the idea of 'I Hate How Much I Love You' and to Isabelle896 for her amusing suggestion to have Helen's distractions mysteriously end up in the hospital wing.

Many thanks to you both!

I would have put this acknowledgement at the start, but I didn't want to give anything away…

MY RAMBLINGS:

Oh no! Again! Whatever will happen? Ah, the drama!

A rather short next chapter. Let's just say, however, that Helen will be going to the Yule Ball. WHO WITH? Who will be the lucky guy?

SO.

Here's the deal:

I want many many MANY comments from each and every one of you - (notice how I didn't use the 'r' word).

If I am satisfied with the overwhelming number of reviews, I may be nice and upload the next chapter tomorrow…

If I get a decent amount… maybe in a week.

If I get a pathetic amount… maybe never.

COULD I BE SO EVIL???

Okay, fine. I you would get it next year.

So… get typing because it takes- literally- a minute of your time to show that you appreciate the hours which I spend writing for you all.

Lots of love, Anya