Part 21

One year later...

They say that the passing of losing a loved one dulls with time and will indeed get better eventually. Yet for Brogan Barnes this couldn't have been further from the truth. Her beloved Bucky had been gone for coming up to a year now and even after all this time, Brogan still couldn't believe that this truly was the end of her story with him. For her it was just so difficult to get her head around how a person she loved more than anything could just disappear like he had done. Everyday since he was taken from her, Brogan just wished to see him one more time and to tell him over and over how much she loved him. She longed for the day when he would walk through the door, return home to her and the children once again just as he promised. Yet as the year anniversary of his "passing" began creeping ever closer, Bucky Barnes was still very much gone from this world...

The ache and longing of being reunited with her love had echoed through Brogan's bones on a daily basis now. It was like a chilly icy wind was trapped in the chambers of her heart. She never knew such intense grief like this could take so much out of her like it had over this past year. It was indeed a deep painful torment that she was totally unprepared for. Bucky should have been here to make her laugh when she needed it, he should still be here to help her put the children to bed and more importantly he should still be here to hug and kiss her every morning like he used to. She missed him so much and there was nothing but an empty void in her heart and soul now without him at her side.

After Bucky's "passing", Steve offered to take Brogan and the children to return to America and live at Avengers HQ. The distraught mum thanked him for the offer but refused to leave Wakanda. This was her home now and remaining here almost felt that she was closer to Bucky. Nobody as special as him would simply disappear like he had done. Bucky would return to her one day, she could feel it in her soul. In her eyes she had never given up on him throughout the entire time they had been together and wasn't going to start now. She had to have faith and hope that he would come back, no matter how long it took. so staying right here in her adopted home made sense entirely

Today had been a particular hard day for Brogan as it was infact Bucky's birthday. Something that had been a day of deep joy and happiness in the past was now tinged with loss and reflection. Although the day was filled with pain and heartbreak at his passing, Brogan still wanted his birthday to be remembered and his memory to live on. That was when she came up with the idea of planting a tree next to the family home. Brogan drew her inspiration from Bucky telling her a story back from his childhood. Bucky actually had a younger brother "Jack" who sadly passed away at a young age and his mother "Alice" planted a tree in family gardens in memory of her youngest son. Also Wakanda was still in the process of rebuilding after the devastation so planting a tree seemed like the perfect symbol of rebirth and hope, as well as remembering the love of her life on his special day.

The planting of the tree had been a solemn affair for the family. Brogan wept, pulling the children close as the three of them gazed down at the tiny silver plaque showing Bucky's name in silver italics at the bottom of the shrub. Pictures were soon quickly taken so they could add them to the new "Papa book" that the children has regularly kept updated since Bucky had been taken from them. The pain and deep emotional heartbreak could be felt through all three of them. A day hadn't of gone past when they didn't think of Bucky. Even when Brogan looked at little Rebecca now, her heart ached as it was almost like Bucky was looking back at her. The little girl was growing even more into a miniature version of her father day by day...

"Happy Birthday Bucky Barnes" smiled Brogan. Slowly she dropped to her knees and kissed her fingertips. Reaching over she placed them over his name "I love you.."

"Papa would love this Mama" said James, adding a bunch of flowers next to the plaque "Me and Rebecca picked these for you Papa"

"Happy Birthday Papa" whispered Rebecca looking up at the heavens "We miss you"

Several hours later and Brogan now lay in bed still with one of Bucky's scarves draped over her shoulders. This had been a daily ritual for her now. It was a link to him and almost felt like his arms were still wrapped around her in a tender loving embrace. Holding back the tears, Brogan's hand trembled as she reached into a bedside cabinet for her diary. This had been another daily ritual for the grieving woman. Once the children were tucked up in bed, she would write in it as if she was talking to Bucky himself. Yes, deep down she knew he'd never read her thoughts but for Brogan this method of grief therapy was the most healing for her. This was without a doubt a truly excruciating life changing experience for Brogan to lose a loved one in the way she had. It was a journey we all find ourselves on but one we never choose to take. Letting out a painful sigh, Brogan turned to Bucky's half of the bed and ran her hand softly over the pillow. Opening her diary a small picture of Bucky soon dropped down onto her lap. Slowly, Brogan pressed the smiling image of her husband to her lips and propped it up on the pillow next to her. A warm smile filled her face as she picked up her pen and began to write...

Dear Bucky,

Happy Birthday my love. You don't have to worry today as we made sure we celebrated your special day. I hope that wherever you are right now that you can see the tree we planted for you. Rebecca and James both helped me. You would be so proud of how they've coped this year Bucky...

Rebecca is turning into you on a daily basis now. Every time I see her, I just see you now. Every time she smiles, its almost like you are still here with me. She misses you like crazy Bucky and won't go to sleep now without me looking at the "Papa book" with her. As for her powers, they are still there and still part of her. I'm just grateful that James is keeping an eye on her. Last week he caught her climbing some trees and she just sat there staring almost trance like in the distance. When he asked what was wrong, she just looked at him and said "Im waiting for Papa". It broke my heart when he told me...

James is doing good too. You'd be so proud of him Bucky. He really is taking the "man of the house" role so seriously. It hit him hard at first but he's doing well now. Not only is he helping me with Rebecca but he's keeping the farm in order. Yes we lost all the goats bar one but James is taking such good care of it. He spends so much time caring and feeding it. It's so lovely to see Bucky. He constantly tells me that he's keeping everything in order until you come back to us. Like you always used to tell me..he is wise beyond his years.

So that just leaves me...

I'm not going to lie Bucky but I never knew this separation would be this heavy on my heart. Every night I lay in this bed and just imagine you are next to me. They say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" but for me it just brings me pain and sorrow. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and it keeps breaking everyday.

I rarely sleep now and when I do, I swear I can still feel the gentle warmth of your breath on my cheek. I can feel your body pressed against mine, the hardness of your muscles nestling against the softness of my skin as I dream everyday of just holding you in my arms one more time. Every time I close my eyes Bucky, its like you are still with me. God I miss you so much its killing me...

Yet, when I open them I am alone. I miss the velvet feel of your hands as you touched me. The softness of your lips as you kissed me and the warmth of your body as you held me in your arms. Life isn't fair. All I want is to see is the love in your eyes as you looked at me and the happiness in your voice as you spoke to me. Come back to me Bucky Barnes...you promised me you would... I'd give anything to have you back home with us. Just to have that chance to tell you how much I love you and kiss you once more. Please god, I'd give my soul just to see you one last time...

The world is an awful place right now. Made even more so that you are not here with me and the children. All the joy you brought to my life has gone now and all that is left within me is a numbing dullness that has taken over every part of my being. Thank god I still have our beautiful children as without them I'd probably just think what's the point of carrying on anymore...

I just want you to come back to me James Buchanan Barnes. While I know we will be reunited one day (either in this life or the next), my yearning in your absence only cements my love for you. Not only did you take my days and nights with you Bucky, my hopes and dreams vanished when you was taken from us. You have never left my heart though Bucky Barnes and you never will. Until then, I will carry on the best I can and channel your strength and courage everyday. I will never stop writing in this diary to you. Until I can see you once again

Forever in my heart my love

Brogan

x

When she finished writing the last page the tears flowed from her eyes once more. She cried so much as she clung to her pillow until there was nothing left inside her core but a raw emptiness of grief. Brogan's eyes soon fell onto Bucky's smiling photograph. All she could do now was pray that they would be reunited once more. But for now the loss was more than her heart could take. For this past year all she felt was dark clouds looming above. For Brogan Barnes if love was a divine gift then sorrow was too...her grief would never end

Placing the diary back on the side, Brogan quickly blew out a nearby candle and pulled Bucky's scarf even closer over her shoulders. Soon, her eyes began to drift closed as sleep took over. She was almost in a deep sleep when a sudden delicious shiver ran down her spine, hitting her like a volt of electricity. Sharply, Brogan sat up and although her heart was pounding, she felt so cold. Her eyes drew wide as she scanned the eerie stillness of darkness around her. Once again a sudden chill filled the air and tiny goosebumps shot out all over her body. Shivering, Brogan pulled Bucky's scarf that bit more closer desperately trying to savour the warmth. Oddly she soon could hear the sound of breathing that was different to her own. Her eyes grew wide in fear, her pupils began to dilate as the blood drained from her face leaving her a ghostly white. Suddenly a voice spoke to her...a voice nothing more than a ghostly whisper...

"Brogan...its me"