A/N: HOLY. SHIT. I. HAVE. OVER. 100. REVIEWS.
I-I…you guys… this is so… *starts bawling* Thank youuuuuu!
Anyway, this is another mostly lighthearted chapter. Enjoy them for now, because I'm planning something evil soon.
Disclaimer: Oh god! Oh my god! Mark Gordon's dreams are a terrifying place… But I'll persevere! I'll get those CM rights if it's the last thing I- OH MY GOD! WHAT UNHOLY TERROR IS THIS
"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war."
–Napoleon Bonaparte
…
Reid walked into the BAU one morning to find Adriana furiously working at something under Morgan's desk chair. She lay on her back like a mechanic under a car, and Reid thought he heard odd little metallic noises coming from under there. While it wasn't unusual for the BAU to find Adriana doing something strange, it was far too early in the morning for her antics. Usually she needed about two cups of strong coffee before she pulled off any stunts, so Reid knew that something must have happened.
He strode over. "What're you doing to Morgan's chair?" he asked apprehensively.
"And good morning to you too, Dr. Reid," her greeting muffled from under the seat.
"Hi. What are you doing?" he asked again.
"Vengeance," she replied grimly.
Reid had a bad feeling about this, but he pressed on. "Vengeance for what?"
Adriana got up from under the chair and wiped her hands in satisfaction. Reid noticed that she was holding a screwdriver, tilted dangerously at his torso.
"Morgan ate my last Pop Tart. Therefore, he must die," she said in a scarily calm and measured voice.
Terrified, Reid checked under the seat for some kind of hidden explosive. When he saw none, he straightened up. "Die how?"
"Of embarrassment," Adriana clarified as she put away the screwdriver. "I loosened all the screws in his chair, so when he sits down- bam!" A sneaky smile twisted across her lips. "Down goes Morgan."
Reid felt the urge to back away slowly, but instead he said as casually as possible, "Isn't that a little harsh? It was just a Pop Tart."
Whatever smile on Adriana's face flitted off instantly. She exclaimed, "'Just a Pop Tart'? It was my lastPop Tart, and it was fudge! The box had my name labeled on it, so it was deliberately eaten. That's legally theft!"
Reid's stomach suddenly plummeted as he remembered going through the break counter's pantry yesterday and miraculously finding a Pop Tart to satiate his hunger until lunch. It had been fudge flavored.
"Anyways," Adriana was still talking, "it's the principle of the thing. Morgan has to learn that he can't just take what was clearly labeled Adriana Messers. He needs to respect my property."
"And to do that, you have to cause him humiliation?" he clarified nervously.
"Exactly."
Reid nodded mutely and walked away to his desk, unsure of what to do. He couldn't tell her that it was him that ate the Pop Tart because, honestly, he was more than a little afraid of what she would do to him. If Morgan was going to be subjected to humiliation, he didn't want to think about what Messers would devise for himself. Instead, he sat silently, sort of hoping Morgan would be okay.
Adriana went to her desk too. Her trap all set, she sat primly poised, waiting for Morgan to arrive.
And he did, at his usual time. As soon as Morgan entered the room, both Adriana and Reid watched him intently. Adriana was hoping that he wouldn't drop his bag on the chair, Reid was hoping that he would.
"Hey guys," Morgan said, oblivious to his impending doom. He tossed his bag onto the floor, and Adriana sat excitedly on the edge of her seat, ready for her scheme to fall into place.
In a retrospectively unwise decision, he plopped down on the chair.
Slam!
The next second, a very bewildered Morgan was on the floor with the remains of his violated chair.
"What the hell?" He scrambled up and rubbed his bruised lower back. He looked all around him, scanning everyone in his vision for a sign of laughter or mockery.
Adriana got off her chair and walked blithely to Morgan, swinging her arms and smiling with satisfaction. "Now that you've learned your lesson, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
Reid squirmed in his seat.
"For what?" Morgan demanded.
"You stole my Pop Tart! I found the wrapper in your trash can!"
"What? No, I didn't!"
"Yes, you did!"
Reid finally spoke up, his guilty conscience weighing out. "Uh…Adriana?"
She whipped around.
"Um, that wasn't Morgan who stole it…" he nervously choked out. He cleared his throat. "It-it was me."
Adriana paused a moment, and turned to Morgan. "I'm very sorry," she said obligatorily. When she faced Reid again, her expression turned cold and sinister. "You'll regret that, Reid." She strode away, already scheming up an even better revenge plot.
Reid gulped.
Morgan, despite his supreme irritation and back pain, laughed a little and imagined the horrible consequences that Reid provoked. He clapped him on the back and wished him, "Good luck, man. You'll need it."
…
Prentiss squatted down to the floor and regarded the girl sitting there, loading darts into the cartridge of a dart gun. "Why are you even doing this? You know you're being ridiculous, right?"
"He ate my Pop Tart, Emily! Without permission!" Adriana cried.
"Uh-huh," Prentiss said disbelievingly. "Have you considered that you like fighting with him?"
Adriana rolled her eyes. "Why would I like fighting with Reid? That sounds like a waste of time and energy." She snapped the ammunition load into the gun's holding with a tight snap.
"Says the girl holding a toy gun," Prentiss smirked sardonically.
"It is not a toy!" Adriana protested. "This," she stroked its side lovingly, "is the Nerf Barricade RV-10. It is the best dart gun ever. It will also help me destroy Reid."
"Where'd you get that thing anyway?"
"Evidence locker," Adriana said flippantly. "According to its tag, some idiot tried to smuggle cocaine in it."
Prentiss quirked her eyebrows at it. "Um, are you sure there isn't any coke in it now?" she inquired.
Adriana evidently did not care about the possibility of narcotic residue in her weapon because she sprang to her feet and hoisted the gun jauntily. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to kill a wretched, lying deceiver right now. I'll see you later!" And the young agent pranced away.
Prentiss shook her head tiredly. Messers needed to wake up soon and learn that all this fooling around, all this hysterical play-fighting, was just covering up something deeper. Sometime soon, she'd need to face that.
For now, though, Prentiss wasn't going to miss out on Reid getting attacked by an insane girl with a dart gun for anything.
…..
Hotch headed back to his desk, drained. His voice was somewhat hoarse from the loud reprimanding he just had to give to two supposedly mature adults. He had difficulty reminding himself that they were supposed to be adults when Adriana kept beaming triumphantly at her victory, and Reid kept rubbing the bright red mark in the middle of his forehead and glaring at Adriana.
To be fair, only she was the instigator this time, but unfortunately this had not been their first mishap. Previously, Hotch had to tell them off for arguing too loudly, setting off more of Reid's "physics magic" rockets, or dissembling the coffee machine (even though they claimed they were trying to improve it). He was seriously considering administering a drug test for Messers. Or anger management.
A dart gun for god's sake…
Hotch had just pulled himself back to his paperwork when there was a knock at his door. He wasn't expecting anybody, so he gave a confused, "Come in," to the visitor.
A broad-shouldered man of medium height entered. "Unit Chief Hotchner?" he asked.
"Yes, that's me," Hotch answered.
The man approached him cordially. "It's nice you finally be able to meet you. I'm SSA Unit Chief Mark Dobson." He extended his hand.
Hotch recognized the name. He stood and shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you, too. You worked with SSA Messers, didn't you?" He gestured towards the chair in front of him. "Please, have a seat."
"Thank you," Dobson replied. He sat and said, "Yes, I worked with Adriana in Missing Persons. She was just Agent Messers then."
"Have you come by to visit her?" Hotch asked. "She's working downstairs."
Unless she's managed to get her hands on some nuclear weapons by now…
"No, no," Dobson said. "I'm just here to see how you're finding her to be."
Hotch wondered why he hadn't seen her yet. "She's been a very productive and useful member of our team these six months. It took a while, but I believe she's made a full transition."
"Well, that's good. I'm glad she's serving you well."
"She's a good agent. I'm sure you were sad to see her go."
"Yes… I was." Dobson looked at Hotch curiously. "Do you know why she left?" he asked, sounding like he was testing him.
"I thought you would," Hotch replied. "The only reason her papers gave was that it was voluntary."
He nodded. "That's right. She never told why, though. I assumed a case hit her too hard." His voice was light. "But she sounds like she's doing fine with you."
"You can talk to her now, you know. She's not that busy," Hotch reminded him.
"Yes, I'll be sure to on my way out," Dobson said. "It was nice meeting you."
Agent Dobson shook Hotch's hand once more and left. He went down and moved through the bull pen quickly, throwing a sidelong look at Adriana's back.
Twenty feet away, Adriana stiffened. She saw him out the corner of her eye and felt icy fear grip her by the throat. Her breath caught in her chest, and a cold shudder suddenly shook her frame.
Reid noticed. "Hey, Adriana, are you okay?"
She averted her eyes down to her lap. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said absently in a very small voice. She forced her well-trained hands to stop shaking and picked up the pen she dropped.
The visitor left without saying a word to Adriana.
.
A/N: Review if you like Pop Tarts! (Of course, no one likes them as much as Adriana)
Guys, once again I want to thank you all for reading and reviewing and putting up with my insane story. It really means so much to me that people continue reading. Please continue this miraculous trend!
Songs Listened: Kiss With A Fist- Florence & The Machine (haha no idea why this song occurred to me now of all places)
Next Chapter: A stunning new development!
Nuwanda31- thanks x how much I want that Nerf gun
In fact, you know what, guys? If you get me that Nerf gun, I will write the craziest, smuttiest sex between them, I promise. It'll be on a moon-bounce, in space, whatever. I'll even take requests! JUST GET ME THAT GUN.