Faith stared at the ceiling with a sense of déjà vu, she had done something very similar to this less than a month ago. Looking over her memories she saw that it was rather blank. She remembered panicking in the restaurant but nothing after that. She wasn't sure how she left the restaurant, how she got back to the hotel, or how she had gotten into bed. That left only one possibility; Echo had taken over. It was the second time it had happened and that fact was a little worrying. On a couple of occasions she had given control over to Echo but it was only now that Echo had taken control.
'I didn't take control, you surrendered it in your own panic. This last event was a lot like after the rape. I took over because you couldn't deal with what was going on. I never take it from you though.' Echo whispered in her mind.
'It's odd that you can do that you know.' Faith responded grateful to Echo once again.
'No what's even odder is that we are able to have this conversation. Now if you don't mind I'll give you a quick update since I have your attention. Nothing has happened, it's been four days, the group as a whole is rather disappointed that you regressed so quickly. Buffy is in mild shock and everyone is avoiding talking about your little confession. I've tried to assuage her fears and worries but I don't think I helped very much. If you are still in love with that girl you better talk to her and soon. She isn't taking being remote witness and encourager to your rape very well. Though I will admit that seeing her through all that will definitely put a dent to your future possible relationship.' Echo finished once again retreating into her own space.
Silently cursing Faith wished she hadn't revealed that crucial fact. She wasn't sure if there was a future with Buffy but she didn't want to destroy it again before it got a shot. She was amazed that they were even able to coexist with all the crap that had occurred between them. There was such hate, anger, and misunderstanding that Faith felt it would take years to work through everything. The worst part was that they were both rather reluctant to begin working through their issues. Now they had even more issues on top of their original issues.
"Crap" Faith finally said out loud forcing herself to get up. She had to admit she had no desire to get up, no desire to face the shit storm she knew she would have to deal with. She had revealed a lot, a lot more than she had ever intended to. She had never wanted the group to know the truth, to know anything of what had happened to her. Now it was out there in the open. She had to face it now, there was no avoiding the topic anymore.
Getting ready for the day Faith decided the first person she should be Buffy but the thought of that long convoluted conversation made her choose Giles instead. They had plenty of issues to work out and it would be enough of a challenge for her first day back; again. Walking down to the second floor she searched out Giles's room and knocked on the door. It was still rather early and she suspected he was either up and reading a book or sleeping. She would bet on the first.
After two more insistent knocks Giles opened the door. He was fully dressed and clearly put out for being interrupted. The look of surprise on his face when he saw it was Faith was both interesting and entertaining. "Echo?" He asked clearly unsure of who he was speaking to.
"Faith" She replied with a slight smile. "I think it's time we had that talk. Have you had breakfast yet?" She asked hoping to bring the conversation into a public forum. She hoped having strangers around would help her contain her own occasional bursts of anger towards the older man.
"I haven't, the girls don't wake up until much later in the day. I've learned to wait." He said as if they had been together forever.
"Well soon enough you will have your own apartment and you won't have to wait. Only two weeks left before all the apartments are cleared." Faith said glad that they were being civil. "Do you need anything or can we just go?" She asked.
"One second." Giles said before turning around and getting his key. Stepping out of the room he silently followed Faith downstairs, into the lobby, and out to the van. He wondered how to start a conversation, what topics to cover, a good way to express his feelings and opinions. He pondered away letting the silence fill the void between them.
Arriving at a small diner he had never seen before Giles stepped out of the van and looked at Faith a trace of confusion gracing his features.
"I had hoped it was here as well." She merely said answering his unasked question.
"Where else would it have been?" He asked only to shake his head knowing the answer already. Faith merely smiled at him she knew he was still having a hard time grasping everything she had gone through.
"The food is exceptional, especially breakfast." Faith said opening the door and motioning Giles in. Giles merely shook his head and entered the diner.
They were seated quickly by a friendly waitress who handed them menus and asked them what they wanted to drink. Faith ordered water and a cup of coffee. Giles ordered tea as usual. By silent agreement they avoided talking and picked out what they wanted to eat. The waitress wasn't surprised when she returned with their drinks and they were ready to order. She knew how to read people and it was clear that there was a lot of private talking to be done. She was happy to attend to her other customers and leave the pair alone.
"I'm not even sure how to start this conversation." Faith said breaking the silence.
"I think we could start on your past actions." Giles said looking at mature woman in front of him.
"The past huh? How far into the past are we going here? I don't have any intentions of telling you about my childhood Giles. Suffice it to say it wasn't pleasant and my watcher wasn't the kind of woman I would miss with any real depth. I came to Sunnydale rather traumatized from everything that had happened with Kakistos. I didn't trust you and you never gave me any reason to trust you. You were more focused on Buffy and her friends than you were on me. I will easily admit I hated and resented you for all that you refused to do for me. You never gave me the time of day and you judged me as unworthy the day you first met me." Faith stated simply.
"I suppose you are right. I did judge you and I did find you wanting. It was wrong of me. I never gave you much of a chance to prove yourself. However, your actions in Sunnydale do not lead me to trust you now. I regret what the Council did to you and I am grateful for your help but I still don't trust you." Giles said candidly, he felt that honesty would be the only way they would find some common ground.
"I don't trust you either and that is the main problem between us. Our past together is tainting our current views. I'm sorry to say this Mr. Giles but we may never like each other. However, regardless of our personal feelings we need to come to some common ground." Faith paused smiling at the waitress as she put down their food and left the check on the table with a 'take your time'. "I know without a doubt that you are uncomfortable with what was done to me. I'm a lot of different people and since you barely trust me then how in the world can you trust them? Well the reality of the matter is that we have no choice but to trust each other; at least to a certain extent." Faith paused looking over her food.
"I know I have been rather ambitious and domineering over the last couple of weeks. You now know the reason for that. I am hoping to be a little more cooperative with the group as a whole. I do want all of your opinions however, even you have to admit that a democracy can occasionally be a little tiring. I wanted to get the ball moving as quickly as possible. I'm American to the core after all. You're British, as a whole you all tend to procrastinate on your long term decisions." Faith said unable to resist the barb. "The bare facts of the matter is I only want the best for the new slayers. We thrust them into a very unsavory situation Mr. Giles. If it wasn't for the need to awaken all the Potentials for the sake of the world I never would have allowed Echo to agree to help. We changed the world in unforeseen ways. The consequences of our actions are unknown but the most important thing are those young girls and women out there. They have no idea how drastically their lives have changed and if I can make that change easier then that's what I want to do. The Council spent years hoarding money and for what? They never really helped their slayers. They kept us from the world isolated and dehumanized. Buffy has the longest lifespan in slayer terms because she has a connection with the world, with humanity. That is the ideal for all those new slayers. We need to make them feel connected." Faith said with a look of hope.
"I hate to admit it but you are not her are you?" Giles asked looking closely at the woman in front of him. Faith looked back at the older man a look of confusion marring the hope. "I've known it all along but you've just confirmed it. The Faith I knew is gone or she never existed. You are nothing like her. You are so open and expressive. You share what you are feeling. It's not a trait she really had." He said frowning slightly. "I am sorry Faith. I have been judging every action you've taken. I've questioned every move you've made all in the hope that you would make a wrong one. I've hoped to feel vindicated for not trusting you. That moment clearly isn't coming and it's time I stopped hoping. I think we can come to common ground as you so eloquently put it. We both want the same thing in the end I guess. So from now on when I feel you are going to far or not seeing far enough I'll confront you about it."
"Isn't that what you have been doing the entire time?" She asked taking a bite out of her eggs.
"I'll be doing the questioning and possible chastising in private." He corrected. "You are a grown woman and clearly more than responsible. I need to stop trying to undermine your actions in public. If I disapprove then we will discuss it in private. I agree that we should be united in our future actions." He said smiling and digging into his food. He was glad they had cleared some of the air. He knew there was still a ton he had to learn about the woman in front of him, now at least he was willing.
"So Faith tell me about this other reality?" He asked with real interest.
Faith returned his smile glad to have crossed on bridge with such ease. "Well it was different and yet so very similar. You could say it was just one alteration in history that created a completely new world. Humans were alone in that world but technology and human nature where the demons. Science can take us so far, it can change who you are and what you are. The problem was that the people in control were merely human. That sounds weird to say but it's true. I've seen such a large spectrum of human nature and we are ruled by our own wants and needs. We can't see very far into the future and that lack of vision allows us to decide without thought. The nature of humans I found was also darker than any demon." Faith paused unsure why her thoughts had led her down such a dark road. "There was also great beauty before everything changed, before the world ended. I can't help but wonder how things have changed. If the world is being rebuilt as we speak. I wonder if my family is okay." She said trailing off thinking of Pryia and Anthony. They were her closest friends and the closest she had ever come to having a real family.
"You're family?" Giles asked curious about Faith's other life.
"Yeah we weren't blood but you know better than anyone else that blood isn't nearly as important as love. We went through hell together and we came out the other side still strong, still together."
"Were they dolls like you?" He asked unsure of the term having only heard it randomly.
"Yes, but they weren't really like me." Faith paused seeing the confusion. "I don't know what made me different, what makes me different, but I keep the imprints. Pryia and Anthony were normal dolls, once they were wiped they were clean of the personalities; the people they were imprinted with. They have no memory of who they were, of what they did, what was done to them. They were lucky like that. They don't have to remember the realities of our life in the House." Faith stopped again saddened by the fact that she still remembered what her friends had gone through. She had never revealed her knowledge to them. They didn't need to be burdened by a past that wasn't really theirs.
"Do you have any good memories?" Giles asked hoping to lighten the conversation.
"I do but they aren't really mine you know? I mean every time I got married it was wonderful. That feeling of hope, of knowing without a doubt that I was marrying the person I loved most in the world. Most of them were good people, lonely people. They had so much money and power that they had lost the ability to feel connected to normal people. I was someone they could connect with, someone who loved them unconditionally. We forget how important unconditional love can be." Faith smiled softly and looked at Giles. "It wasn't always miserable but that was only when I wasn't there. I got my body back when the world went to hell. I have the ability to look through their memories to enjoy some of their joy but there was very little of it for the real me. I was oblivious on a hard drive kept in storage."
"That is a nearly impossible thought to fully comprehend. The idea of removing a person from the body and storing them in a computer is absurd. Yet even as I say that I can't help but remember some of the demons we have encountered." Giles stopped and got himself into story mode. "Did anyone ever tell you about Moloch?" He asked and smiled when she shook her head.
The rest of breakfast went on in relative peace with one story after the other entertaining the two. They parted ways in the lobby with a clear truce and a budding trust between them. Faith smiled as she watched the older man leave the lobby and go into the elevators. She was glad one conversation had gone over well. She wasn't as happy about the next conversation she mentally promised she would have. She needed to find and talk to Buffy. She supposed the group had either gone to breakfast already or would be getting ready to go out. Looking over at the clock she was surprised it was so close to noon. It was lunch time already. She hadn't realized she had spent so much time talking with Giles. Shaking away her surprised she decided to take the stairs to the third floor. Searching out Buffy's room she knocked lightly hoping to chicken out at the last moment. Instead the door opened to the older slayer.
Without asking Buffy opened her door wider and waited for Faith to enter the room. "I'm glad you're back Faith." She said closing the door and moving to the bed to take a seat. Faith chose the desk chair unwilling to sit on the bed.
"How did you know?" She asked confused as to how Buffy could tell the difference.
"I'm not sure really. I think I've just been around the two of you long enough to tell the difference." Buffy paused unsure of what to say.
"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be." Faith said breaking the silence that had swallowed them.
"Yeah it is. I just...I don't know what to say Faith. I mean what happened to you..." Buffy stopped again unable to continue.
"About that...I know what I said must have been really hard to hear." Faith said looking at the woman on the bed with sadness. Watching Buffy nod Faith continued. "I know it wasn't you. I know the First was just using your image but it was difficult to see and comforting in a creepy way. It gave me someone to focus on. I tried not to hear what it said just focus on something that wasn't Caleb and what was happening." Faith said hoping to give the event a lighter image than the reality had been.
"As if things weren't already stacked against us." Buffy said under her breath.
"What?" Faith asked barely catching Buffy's words.
"It's just I had hoped we would be able to start over once the chaos had ended. I figured we would win the war, we would take a vacation, and we would all recoup a little before returning to reality." Buffy said wistfully.
"Yeah that didn't work out did it?" Faith said still unwilling to move onto more serious topics.
"No, we fell right back into reality with no break in sight."
"This has been something of a break. I mean none of us have been slaying since we got here." Faith said happy for the light chatter.
"You haven't. I've taken the girls out a couple of times. They need the experience and patrolling in the city is different from trolling the cemeteries of Sunnydale. It's been something of a reality check for me too."
"When did you take the girls out?" Faith said happily surprised that Buffy was taking a sincere interest in the girls.
"Every weekend since we've been here. I figured they could do a bit of patrolling and then do a bit of relaxing at some of the local clubs." Buffy said smiling at the surprised look on Faith's face.
"You took the girls clubbing?" Faith asked with feigned indignation.
"Yes with extra supervision from Willow, Xander, and Anya."
"I see." Faith said her smile wilting. She was surprised to feel hurt that she had been excluded. She knew it wasn't intentional. She knew if anything it was her own fault but it didn't stop the sting of rejection.
Buffy saw Faith's face change and immediately knew she had fucked up in revealing so much. She knew what Faith was thinking and she felt guilty. It was so much like their past. She had taken the girls out, she had taken them clubbing, and she hadn't told or invited Faith. Buffy couldn't help but wonder if they would always be stuck in this eternal loop of unintentionally hurting each other. "I'm sorry." Buffy said knowing that it wouldn't change anything.
"It's okay, it's my own fault really. I've been rather wrapped up in the school." Faith paused knowing it would be faster just to be blunt. It would hurt but it would be over quickly. "I'm angry at you for taking them out and not thinking to include me." Faith said with honest anger. "I hate the fact that you have always kept me on the fringe. I know in this case in this instance that it was my own doing but in the past it wasn't. In the past you willfully kept me at bay. I wanted you to know me, to know the real me so desperately when we were in Sunnydale. I wanted your attention. I wanted your affection and the only thing I got from you was distrust. You gave me a glimpse of your life and when I killed Allen you shut me out. I had never meant to kill Allen. I know I said I didn't care but I swear I died a little as I watched him die. I hate what I became when I was with you Buffy." Faith said looking at the startled and hurt woman in front of her. "I know this might be hard to hear but I fell in love with you when I was first in Sunnydale and you know what they say about a woman scorned. I wanted to hurt you for all the hurt you so easily inflicted upon me. I know now that it was stupid of me. I know now that you were just as young and foolish as I was. I shouldn't have expected so much from you." Faith stopped amazed that she had revealed so much so easily.
"Do you still love me?" Buffy asked avoiding the whole of the rant.
"God that is a loaded question if I've ever heard one." Faith said releasing a breath of pent up frustration. "I don't know Buffy. So much has happened and we have literally been worlds apart. I have lived so much longer than you now. I've fought a war that didn't last a couple of months or a year but years of my life. I have killed more people than I can count. Their faces don't even stick out to me anymore. I've experienced so many forms of love. I have loved as so many different people and been loved in return. I have lost and I have grieved and I have mourned. I am not the same girl that you once new. I'm damaged but on a completely different level now. I'm more than just the abused little girl from a broken home." Faith paused shifting her gaze away from the woman in front of her and looked out the window. She wasn't sure what else to say or how to say it. She had avoided examining her feeling for Buffy. It had been easier when they were realities apart. Not seeing Buffy made it effortless to forget Buffy. Now being around the other woman so often her emotions had been overwhelmed.
Faith knew she wasn't fully over Paul. Though the man had been more Echo's lover than hers he had still been an important person their life. She also knew without a doubt that she wasn't ready to get into a relationship let alone start moving towards one. She didn't know if she still loved Buffy. Turning to look at said object of affection Faith felt that little extra beat and knew that she was delusional if she ever thought she was over Buffy. No, her body knew it, even if her mind occasionally repressed it, that she was in love with Buffy Summers.
"Yes." She finally said feeling hopeless. "I'm still in love with you. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you. I think I will always love you." A deep sadness tingeing her voice Faith looked at the woman in front of her and wished things were different. "I returned to Sunnydale because of you. The thought that you could be in danger was enough to compel me. I should have just walked away and started my life over." She said shaking her head. "Why do you want to know if I still love you Buffy?" She finally asked feeling a need to understand how their conversation had changed so drastically.
Buffy stared at Faith shocked by everything she had heard. Her mind and emotions felt awhirl in confusion. Part of her jumped with glee at the idea that Faith still loved her. Another part wondered what future they could have together. Yet another part wondered and worried that they could never be together. Buffy's emotions regarding Faith were confused at best. She knew she was in love with Faith, well she suspected she was in love with Faith. She wasn't really sure on how to love someone you barely knew and if she was honest she didn't know Faith. She barely knew the old Faith and this new mature Faith was still a stranger. Yet it didn't stop her body from reacting at the sight of Faith. It didn't stop her heart from skipping a beat. It didn't stop the jealousy of seeing Faith be so easy with Dawn. It didn't stop her from wanting desperately to be around Faith.
"Buffy? Why did you want to know?" Faith asked breaking into Buffy's thoughts.
"I...I" Buffy stopped thinking of how to phrase her thoughts. She wasn't sure she wanted to be as open and honest as Faith had been. "I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone. Even then I didn't fully realize it. When you were taken I didn't notice. It took so long for me to notice. I was glad that you were out of my life." Buffy blew out a breath filled with repressed aggravation. "You made my life so complicated, so intense. The things I felt for you I had never felt before. I was constantly confused and pushing you away was easier than dealing with you. I'm sorry to say this...ashamed even but when you killed Allen I was almost grateful. You gave me a way to push you away and not feel guilty about it. Then you kept trying to hurt me and hating you became even easier. After the rooftop, after you helped us defeat the Mayor I started to feel it." She stopped.
"I think you need to go on." Faith said needing to know Buffy's thoughts.
"When you left...when they took you I knew. I felt a sensation of loss that I couldn't explain. It was like a piece of me was suddenly gone. I didn't realize how much not having you around hurt until you were suddenly back. It was like the reason I was a slayer suddenly had meaning again. Seeing you sitting on that headstone I felt my heart skip and beat and smile with joy. I wasn't sure how to deal with you, I'm still not sure how to treat you or act around you. I'm four years older but I still feel like a confused teenager around you." She stopped again looking down at her lap. "When you were taken I felt as if my world had come to a shattering halt. I knew something terrible was going to happen. I worried that you would be killed or worse. The fact that it was worse hurts me every day. The idea that you had to see me while he raped you tears me up inside. The fact that the First used my image to encourage that monster..." Buffy stopped unable to go any further.
Faith moved onto the bed hesitant on how to comfort Buffy. "I'm sorry." Buffy said covering her face and breathing deeply. She didn't want to lose control in front of Faith. "I have no right to ask for comfort when none of it is your fault." Buffy said wiping her eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears before they started.
Laying her hand on Buffy's shoulder Faith let it rest there lightly. A part of her wanted to hold Buffy, to offer the comfort the woman so obviously needed. Another part of her though was afraid of what would happen. She wasn't ready for a relationship. She wasn't ready to deal with all the emotions and complications of taking a lover. She especially wasn't sure how she would deal with being physically touched in such an intimate setting. Their past was nothing to go by in a way of finding or giving comfort. It also wasn't a very good record of proof that Buffy wouldn't end up hurting her again.
"I'm okay really I am." Buffy said wiping her face once more and giving Faith a watery smile.
Getting up Faith put a little distance between them. "I don't think this is anywhere close to where I expected this conversation to go. I'm not sure what you expect from me Buffy or what you would want but I don't think I can give it to you. There is so much between us that we haven't talked about, that we haven't resolved." Faith said looking at the woman before taking a couple of steps away from her and away from the bed. Turning around she walked back to the desk chair resolved to keep talking.
"I'm not asking for more, not yet at least." Buffy said softly uncertain of Faith's reaction. "I know we have a lot to work through and I know things may never progress with us but I was hoping we could try. I care about you. I love you." Buffy said shocked at her own revelation.
Faith stared at Buffy with a blank face unwilling to show her own shock. She didn't know what to say, how to react to such a statement.
"Please don't feel pressured by that. I don't want my confession to push you into doing anything you are not ready for. If you are willing to give us a chance I would like us to try being friends and if possible maybe something more." Buffy said unable to hide the hope from her voice.
Faith continued to stare at Buffy shocked. She really hadn't expected the conversation to turn in this particular direction. "I'll have to think about it Buffy. You know I'm going through a lot right now. I don't think I'm in a good place to start a committed relationship." Faith stopped again watching Buffy's eyes become shuttered. "I'm not saying no to starting over though. I agree that we have something. I agree that it could be something wonderful but it might just not be the right time. We seem to have an issue with timing." Faith said thinking back on their first meeting. "Let's start with friendship, let's get to know each other for real this time." Faith said a bit of hope lightening her heart.
"I'll take that." Buffy said letting a smile sneak through.