In Chapter 20, Leena was taken to the local hospital to be examined. Although uninjured, she was questioned when the authorities found out that the fire was arson. Leena managed to avoid suspicion only to let her sister know what had happened. With her sister devasted, Leena soon finds out she is to be taken to the state of Connecticut and to the grieving sister of Paul - Jennifer Sullivan…
The next morning I found myself waiting in the back seat of a black sedan. I was waiting to be spirited away to yet another home. I was allowed to take a shower beforehand but I was still dressed as I was yesterday although I managed to clean my clothing to a good extent. My thoughts drifted to and fro as I sat there waiting for the driver who I I thought about my sister and her reactions to the news. Poor Syrah, I'm sure she didn't get any sleep. I received none as well. My make-up kit and my Bible laid snuggly on my lap. They were all I had until Syrah could send me everything else. I had no clue who "Jennifer Sullivan" was besides that she was Paul's sister. I was waiting for a social worker to spirit me away to "Connecticut", I never even heard of this state before. Some of the tress were finally starting to blossom.
The sounds of birds chirping and the warmth of this sunny Spring day and the scents of early morning dew and flowers was a complete contrast to every fear and to every misery that now inhabited my mind. When I was in Russia I got to know the Sullivans first before I was taken to this strange land. I never even seen or heard Jennifer though. Worst of all she was single. No man for me to love, no child, just this woman. I wasn't hysterical as I was yesterday but the tears still flowed as I thought feverishly about the opportunity that had slipped away from my grasp. The shock of the previous day's events were still sinking in. I still felt that everything that had happened was absolutely beyond reality. A second family I had to dispatch to an early grave. Nobody won this time. Nobody ever seemed to win when "Esther" was under somebody's roof. I could still even today care less for James or the two women of the house. My poor Paul was gone for all eternity. His body consumed by the inferno that swallowed up all of my hopes and dreams and wishes. The empty void in my hard was bottomless because of this. I'm not some cold-blooded monster. I had such feelings for Paul. They are still intact even today. Now as I waited all I had were my thoughts to keep me company.
As I sat in the car I noticed a police officer keeping watch of me nearby while casually smoking a cigarette. I'm guessing that was for my own safety to watch over me but it certainly made me feel unnerved. I feel that I came close enough yesterday to having been captured. His uniform struck a primal nerve with me. I knew my luck was still dangling by a thread. What else did the authorities know? I shook these feelings off. I had to keep my sanity. Certainly I had to be in the clear. After all there were no handcuffs on me. I had to be on guard nevertheless. I was feeling nervous and paranoid all at the same time. I'm glad I was able to at least get clean and reapply my make-up. Had that kit not survived the blaze I could have been completely compromised. Still, I couldn't say this day was much better than the one before. I was so emotionally compromised at this point. I felt so vulnerable. So helpless. I truly felt like a "scared little girl" that everyone in the hospital perceived me as. A stranger who I met only briefly moment before would now be taking me to live with another stranger. That was the reality of things at that point and there wasn't much I could do about it. I wasn't going to kill this woman. All fingers would certainly point to me if I did so. Going back to Estonia I still felt was too risky. Too dangerous. That was one of the reasons I left my sister's house. Nowhere seemed a safe refuge for me. Everywhere I laid my head at night I had to proverbially sleep with one eye open.
I was lost in my thoughts when I was startled by the front driver's side door closing. It was this social worker. I forget his name. He asked me if I were ready to go. I was taken aback by his personality towards me. He gave me a big grin as if he were completely unaware of my situation. It was as if he were simply given directions as to where to take me. Like everybody else he seemed to be confused about my fashion choice although like everybody else he tried unsuccessfully to hide this fact. I ignored his question as his smile faded. He got the drift that I was in no mood to talk. I didn't even bother making eye contact with the man. Too much to think about in too little time. I felt like I was going to a funeral. All of a sudden that issue came up. Would I be attending the funeral of the Sullivans? The thought never even crossed my mind until now. It would be far too painful for me to see Paul in a casket. To watch him be lowered into the ground would kill me inside. I felt sorry for him but more for myself even though I'm sure that sounds very selfish of me saying so. All thanks to James Sullivan. I hope he rots in the deepest recesses of Hell where he came from. I still stood by my decision to stand up to him as the car pulled away from the hospital. The nightmare was still unfolding for me hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second. This nightmare had yet to be fully resolved.
The social worker didn't bother talking to me as we drove and drove. Not that it mattered. I took in the fresh air as my window was half open. Everything had now been arranged by the forces that be. All I could do now was wait until I arrived. It wouldn't be until later in the day until we arrived. That gave me plenty of ample time to ponder what the future was holding for me. Would I find another family here or anywhere? Does Syrah still love me after what I have done? Could somebody tell me what to do now? Where can I find comfort in this agony that I'm in? Great, I'm going to have to go to a new school and put up with more bullshit? Will I be going to the funeral? The butterflies fluttered in my stomach. As we drove on highways and byways I opened up my Bible to the Book of Esther. This is where I got the name from. It is a story about a girl who grows up into a woman and becomes a powerful queen. I wanted to be somebody's queen so bad. I wanted to find my king. The worn photos only reminded me of better times and then to the horrors that followed. Paul holding a fishing pole. That is the only picture I have on him now. I exhaled and shook my head in the utter disbelief I still found myself wallowing in. For hours we drove. The man made a few phone calls in reference to me. He didn't seem to talk to Jennifer at any point. I grew more and more nervous. One of my worst fears is that this woman would be suspicious of me of murdering her brother and his kin. It's hard for me to even describe that terrible emotional roller coaster I was on. A ride I could not seem to get off of. If word ever got out in Estonia that I had done this I would be hunted like a dog. I was confidant that Syrah was staying quiet at least for my sake. Neither of us wanted me to wind up where I once was. She would stay true to her word. I knew that from the bottom of my wounded heart.
I know we left at nine in the morning but it was not until three in the afternoon that we came close to my final destination. We were on the highway when we approached a large city. "Welcome to Stamford" read a sign as we made our way into the city proper. Stamford, Connecticut. What a strange name. Large buildings and beautiful architecture graces the urban landscape. I didn't care much for cities. Stamford was not as big as Tallinn, Estonia but I always preferred to live in more rural settings. Nothing I could do about it now. Lots of traffic. Just like Tallinn. I felt like I was going to my sisters. No, just this strange lady. I wanted to jump out of the moving vehicle and run like hell, Something inside told me this wasn't going to work out in my favor but then again nothing ever does in the first place. I had the feeling I wouldn't be welcomed especially on such short notice. Technically this woman was my "adopted" aunt. Perhaps I was going to wear out my welcome far too soon or maybe she would be too busy in her own life to take care of me. I hoped that would be the case. I didn't want to spend precious time with her. Time was always running out for me it seemed. Always forced into the role of a little girl out of necessity. Once again I had to play my cards to cover my own ass. At least I was away from the authorities back north in Maine. That didn't make me feel any safer as we passed droves of people meandering about the sidewalks. Just your typical controlled chaos that you find in any big city. I put my hand on the window and looked longingly at all the faces. I wished I would have grown. These people had lives and I now had nothing in this country. It made me want to cry out. After awhile we entered some suburbs which of course were fairly quiet. I knew we were very close. I was starting to sweat a little. The lump formed in my throat. It was time to once again get adjusted in yet another strange and foreign environment for at least the fourth time. Once with the family back in Estonia, once at the Saarne Institute, once with the Sullivans, and now Jennifer. I still had an uneasy feeling about all of this. Maybe it was just my general paranoia.
Before I met her I decided to take some brief preparations. I adjusted the false teeth that were in my mouth. I smoothed out my dress. I made sure my hair was nearly brushed before letting it fall over my shoulders. I adjusted the little blue bow in my hair. Even in that dark time I wanted to look decent for my first encounter with this woman. The "social worker" continued in not living up to his name. He continued to say nothing. I was invisible to him and that was how I cared to stay.
Five minutes then ten minutes passed. Finally we pulled onto an unassuming tree lined street. It looked pleasant enough and reminded me of the neighborhood Syrah lived in. At least I wouldn't be staying somewhere dangerous as far as neighborhoods were concerned. We suddenly pulled up and parked alongside the street. Birds were nesting in the cherry blossoms. The day felt beautiful but I still dreaded this moment. I had to continuously remind myself to remain in character. At times like these when I was most on edge I could easily make a slip up. "Hello, Aunt Jennifer, I'm Leena Klammer", that would not go over well. "799 Hart Street, here we are", said the social worker. I still couldn't believe how quiet he was during the trip. Maybe he appeared happy earlier to simply lift my spirits. Or perhaps he just never found himself in a position where he encountered a "child" in my situation or he was just naturally a quiet person. Apparently he didn't know why I was going to where I was but it would soon become apparent that he would soon find out from "Aunt Jennifer". My heart raced ever quicker. Couldn't I just have one happy day? The man opened up his door and proceeded to open mine. At least he was a gentleman. I grabbed my make-up kit and placed my Bible on top of it and carried them in front of me. Hopefully she wouldn't bother to scrutinize any of it. After all I was an "orphan" once again. The man closed the doors and gave me a kind smile. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded and turned to face the row of brown brick houses. All were two story and built in the same style. Unassuming. "She'll sympathize with you Leena. Today won't be as bad as you think" I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself.
I trailed the young man as we walked up onto the porch. He rang the doorbell while he carried a manila folder holding some unknown documents surely relating to me. I closed my eyes gently in anticipation. Why was I so scared? I wasn't about to be executed! This whole time driving I had held back the tears. The door soon opened. A young woman in her late twenties answered the door. She had blonde hair with dark highlights that was cut short. She was younger that I was. She was clutching a paper tissue in her hand. She was deeply upset. Her eyes were red and watery. She obviously had been grieving for hours now. After all, I had taken the lives of both of her brothers, her niece, and her sister-in-law. I grieved with her for Paul though. I felt we would have at least that much in common to start with. I had no malice against this woman when I first laid eyes on her. I just didn't want to live under her roof but here I now found myself. She opened the screen door and immediately met my gaze, I could tell she was in pain for me as well. I remained calm but we both remained silent. What could we say to each other? We were both in grief over the same man. We were both in utter devastation. My sad and downcast countenance seemed to break this woman's heart. NOW I remember the man's name!
"Um, good afternoon ma'am. My name is Michael Wurth with the Maine Department of Child Services".he said quietly. He seemed confused as to why the woman was crying so bitterly and I would soon find out why that was so. All of his peculiar behavior would be explained. All in all, I could tell he was very new at his job. Dumb fuck! He stuttered as he went on. Perhaps that was why he was so damn silent those six hours! "I have with me…this…this…is Esther Sullivan." he explained. Clumsy ass wasn't helping my case. I turned my head away from her as if I were shy. There were still no words coming from Jennifer. "Esther, I'm going inside to talk to this young woman who will be taking care of you. I want you to wait out here on the porch for a little while her and I talk. Can you do that for me?" me asked. "Yes Mr. Wurth" I mumbled quietly. "Just call me Michael" he said with a comforting smile.
Jennifer didn't at all strike me as menacing. I knew that like my sister she was the gentle type. Michael, dressed in his business casual polo shirt and slacks entered while I was left to wait. I could now tell something was wrong with Michael. He seemed utterly confused as he entered. He was obviously worried for this woman, I leaned up against the railing that lined the wooden porch. I looked up into the bright blue sky and knew that Paul was in Heaven resting with the angels. There would always be a place in my heart for that man even though I never got the chance to tell him how much I truly felt for him. I knew that despite the fact that I had deceived him and his family that he was now at peace. "He's in Heaven now" I said with quiet joy as I stared up at the sky. I felt a sudden peace wash over me despite my acute sadness. I could hear a few people shouting in the distance to one another. I wanted to shout my love for Paul from the highest mountains. I knew it would be a very long while before I made peace with myself over what had happened the day before. As I waxed philosophical with myself I waited…and waited…and waited some more. I'm sure there was paperwork and what not to be filled out. I knew I wasn't being formally adopted by this woman. That takes time. This would surely be what they call a "foster parent" in America. At least I knew she would sympathize with my plight. After awhile I could really hear Jennifer crying hard. "Keep it cool, Leena. She's not going to bite" I assured myself. I wasn't quite sure how to handle myself around this stranger. Sure I would show the true grief that I was feeling for Paul but this was a situation I had never dealt with before or since. Suddenly the tears started again. It seemed as if my mind was going in and out of it's own grief. My emotions often have the habit of taking on a life of their own. Sometimes I can control these emotions and sometimes I cannot do so. I decided that I would let the grief envelop me. It took over an hour of waiting as the late afternoon drew on but finally Michael the dumb ass came back out. Jennifer did not follow.
He was extremely somber. I could tell that he now knew what was going on with me. Without a word he hugged me. "I…I had no clue what happened…I'm so sorry…your family…I mean…I'm sorry, I didn't know" he said sadly. "And why is that?" I asked a little sternly. "I had two children I had to take to Connecticut by coincidence this week and you were one of them. I had the right name and directions but the wrong report. The other girl was just being moved to another family member. I didn't realize you were the one who lost her family. It was a mix-up. I'm so sorry I didn't bother comforting or talking to you. There's no excuse for me. I'm so sorry about all this,.." He continued to ramble to my annoyance. Out of all people I was the one who had to stop him. "Mr. Wurth, it is okay. It won't make me any sadder than I already am. Mommy and daddy and my sister and uncle are in Heaven now." I said sheepishly. Anything to sound innocent and juvenile always helped me out of course. He smiled. I could tell he was at the brink of tears as well. "Yes…yes they are. Your aunt told me everything." he said quietly. I nodded slowly with a sad face. "Is she nice?" I asked as shy as possible. I appeared anxious. "She is so friendly but she is so sad. She is in pain too but you know what? You can have each other from now on. She really wants to meet you. Come inside with me and meet her" he offered in hushed condolence. I couldn't believe I now had to deal with this whole new set of bullshit.
"Come now" he said in a hushed tone as he led me into the house. I felt like having an anxiety attack. Before I could even absorb the atmosphere, Jennifer got down on her knees and embraced me tightly. She sobbed miserably on my shoulder. How awkward to have been me at that moment. She was in so much pain and torment. I still felt like crying and that was exactly what I did. I let out a long sorrowful moan as I let the pain I had caused myself flow like a mighty river out of my soul. "Mr. Wurth", who only a short while ago was clueless about my situation could say nothing as I embraced poor "Aunt Jennifer". I looked up at the ceiling while we wept. I not only wept for Paul but for myself. I wept for my sister who I had not seen in such a long time. I wept for the future that I was forced to throw away. I felt the social worker's hand gently caress my back. I truly wanted somebody to comfort me at this time and I could tell Jennifer Sullivan was no different in that regard. For the first time she finally spoke to me. She had to fight tooth and nail against her sobbing in order to get the words out. "Poor…you poor little thing! You poor child! You poor child!" she said in mourning. "The both of you have a lot of emotions to absorb right now but I know that the two of you will truly bring some peace to each other despite all that has happened." I heard Michael say. "It's all too much!" mourned Jennifer. "My whole world just came crashing down!" she continued. At least I could agree with her on that. Jennifer put her hand on the back on my head and continued to sob horribly. Michael went on speaking. "I'm so sorry…terribly sorry not only the horrific loss that your family has suffered but also for meeting under these circumstances." My nose became stuffy as I wept. At least Jennifer gave a damn about what I was going through at that time and place. There was so much pain that I felt like dying.
"Listen, I do have another client to attend to today but I am going to leave my card on the table here. I know you may need me and just feel free to give me a call when the need arises. I do not want to leave right now on such short notice but I know that the both of you will get through this together and that is going to be a long road ahead of you." Michael told us eloquently yet with such somber tone. Jennifer finally put her hands on either side of my face and stood up. I looked up into her eyes as she stared down into mine. She looked so devoid of life. She shook Michael's hand and thanked him profusely for everything he had done for us. "I suggest that the two of you take plenty of time to mourn together. Right now should be a time for that and nothing else. If you need me for anything and I mean anything I want you to call me." She nodded at him. "Esther, you're a brave little girl having gone through what you did. I want you to know that both your aunt and I are here for you." he reassured me. "Yes sir" I said quietly. I bent down and placed my Bible and my make-up kit on the carpet. He hugged the two of us before it was time for him to leave. "Remember, stay close and call me if you need help." Jennifer thanked him again. "Thank you Michael…for everything…God bless your heart!" she said between her tears. "Thank you and God keep the both of you." With a smile that reassured out hearts that everything would be okay he exited the house and left the two of us alone together. The screen door slammed gently as I was now left with this total stranger.
"Esther, I'm…so sorry for all this." I looked up at her with such grief in my heart. "Don't be…it isn't your fault" I said softly. I dried my tears with my hand. "It isn't right and it isn't fair that this happened. Somebody burned your house down and killed my family…our family. I know your going through so much right now. I can't begin to imagine what your going through sweetie I can't. I've been crying ever since I heard what had happened. Oh, you poor little thing!" She had a lot of compassion towards me. She stood in front of me and softly placed her hands on my shoulders. "Your very nice aunt Jennifer. You remind me of my sister." This was true as she was just as compassionate towards me. "I feel like I know you already." I told her. I continued sniffling as she hugged me again. I placed my chin on her shoulder and felt the emotional burden she was now carrying. Not only did she have to mourn for the loss of her family but now be responsible of "taking care" of me. Part of me wished that I would be an extreme burden on her so that perhaps she would have me placed somewhere else. The other part of me begged me to run back to Syrah. This new home was now a trap made of wood and brick. The doors might as well have been iron bars. I didn't care how compassionate or full of love Jennifer may have felt towards me. I knew none of my plans would come to any kind of fruition if I spent all of my time here. I would concoct a plan but not today. I embraced this young woman back as I realized today was simply a time for the both of us to not only mourn but to try and get acquainted - no matter how awkward that may be. "You poor child! You lost everything…we lost everything! I know I've never met you before but I'm going to love you like you're my own. Your hurting Esther. I don't need to tell you that. I'm here for you, you innocent little thing." I began sobbing loudly again and she rocked me back and forth in her arms. All I could think about were the positive memories that I had made with the Sullivans. So much had been wasted in both time and effort and energy. As happy as a lot of these memories were they stung at my heart. Nothing else mattered in that lonely living room. She stood back up again and led me by the hand over to the couch where we sat down. The hurt in her voice was prevalent. Her grief had to be tearing her apart inside. I was still nervous about this new person who was suddenly thrust into my life.
"Your probably scared Esther. Our family…they…they were killed…mur…murdered." It was so difficult for her to say this. "But I promise you that your going to be safe here. I'm going to do my best to make you feel as comfortable as possible, do you understand? I'm your aunt and I won't let anything in the world cause you anymore harm or pain." She ran her fingers through my black locks of hair. The air felt heavy. "Your safe Esther and together you and I will pull through." She suddenly looked up and asked out loud, "Who would murder my family?" With that she lost it and buried her face into her hands. She sobbed hysterically. You couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her. I kept up the Esther persona and tried to soothe her pain. "Don't worry aunt Jennifer. Mommy and daddy and everyone is in Heaven now. They're angels. They're looking down at us." She looked up at me with red eyes soaked in tears. "Your right Esther. Your so, so right. They're all in Heaven now." She said this as though she were trying to convince herself that that was true. Paul died having learned my secret and I just hoped there wouldn't be a repeat with Jennifer. Jennifer told me to wait as she walked over to an upright mahogany and glass cabinet that was in the room. She took a large book out it and came back on the couch and sat next to me. I immediately placed my head on her shoulder when I realized this was a scrapbook. She was doing her best to stay strong for me. She gingerly opened up the scrapbook. "This is all we have left to remember them by" she said. Inside were endless photos, priceless heirlooms that she would guard with her very life. "Here's your father at Disneyworld with your mother and your sister." she started. I smiled longingly. "Here's last year's school photo of Rebecca." I cracked another smile. "She was so beautiful" I told her.
With a nod she flipped the pages explaining every photo along the way. "There's your uncle James." she said happily. I really had to fake a positive emotion when I saw that picture. I wanted to burn it! My blood boiled at the mere sight of him! She flipped through dozens of photos both old and new alike. There was no question how deeply she cared for everybody. I suddenly came across a photo of me that I remember Veronica having taken. For the first time Jennifer let out a little laugh. "Your parents sent this to me" she explained. I cuddled closer to her. I needed the comfort of another human being. The whole scrapbook was a complete family history but it only reminded me further of my loss. If only the Sullivans didn't believe James. I would still be on top of my game. But now photos were the only relic that either of us had to remember them by…well with me just to remember Paul. Every now and then when she came across a very significant photo she would gently run her hands over it in longing and yearning for what she had now permanently lost. When she finished the scrapbook she gently closed it and proceeded to put it back where it belonged. She brought back a box of tissues and sat back down once more. She put her arms around my shoulder. I was the last "survivor" of the fire to her and I really felt she was already making a concerted effort to help me through the hell we both were in. I cuddled up close next to her as she gently stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and pretended she was Syrah. It brought me some level of peace. I would be in much worse shape had I just remained at the hospital.
I suddenly remembered that I needed to get in contact with Syrah but I would wait for a time when Jennifer would sleep. With the state she was in that could possibly be days. I still needed all of the dresses and the copies of my documentation along with everything else I had left behind in Estonia shipped to me at the absolute earliest time. I wouldn't ask her to use her phone at that moment. I felt very secure in her arms. I knew now that James would never try to torment or abuse me ever again. I knew that demon was now where he belonged. This child-woman that I was could take joy in what I had done to him. I sobbed lightly. I knew I would be this way for days to come. "Esther, everything is going to be alright. What happened was not your fault. I hope they kill whoever did this to them." she said with a tinge of anger. Oh, if only she knew. If only she knew. "Your hugging their killer, lady" I thought. Ever time I was embraced by somebody for any reason I was always reminded that they had no idea of who gentle little Esther REALLY was. Every time I hugged somebody it felt like a lie. Like a total deception but that is not to say that it bothered me on any level.
Just to be embraced for the day reminded me that things can and would get better. I tried desperately to find a ray of light in the blackest darkness I found myself wallowing in. "I have a spare bedroom you can use. I don't want you to isolate yourself today Esther. I hate that I have to get to know you considering what has happened. I wanted to meet my new niece so badly and this is how it had to happen. I don't want you blaming or getting angry at yourself for anything because of what happened." Her tears stained her cheeks. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes tightly. She wanted to stay strong for my sake but there was no way she could contain her inner torment. Her shoulders heaved up and down as she wept. "Why did God let this happen to us? Oh God, whhhyyyyy? Whyyyyy?" she moaned desperately. I asked myself the same question. Maybe God was punishing me for my past transgressions. Maybe I was cursed in some way by God. As little "Esther" it was my job to try and comfort my so-called "aunt". I took her hands in mine in understanding. "I can't believe I have to bury my brothers. My niece. My sister in-law. I don't think I can take this!" she said full of hurt. "Don't worry Esther. Whoever did this is going to pay the price. They're not going to get away. I promise you that as my niece." she said defiantly. I added onto what she said. "Why would somebody hurt our family? Why would that happen?" I asked innocently while holding back the tears. She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly in confusion. She had no clue why something like this would happen. It scared me that the authorities in Maine were investigating the fire. It scared me that "the killer" was now being hunted. Even now I worried that the police might knock down the door at anytime. I had to suppress these thoughts as best as I could. As we stood there she pressed my head against her chest and sobbed. I was limp in her arms. "Why does life have to be like this? Who would do this? Who would do this? God, WHY? WHY?" she said mournfully. She quickly let go of me. She clenched her fists and slammed her foot on the floor. "WHHHHYYYY?" she cried out loudly.
She finally collapsed to her knees. The gravity of what had happened was truly settling in now. I could only stand there and watch. Her grief was now making me feel all the more miserable. She sobbed and sobbed and began slamming her fists on the carpet. She was feeling to whole gamut of negative emotions. I remained downcast in my own misery. For a few minutes she was in almost a tantrum before she calmed down and finally collected herself. She stood up on her knees. "I'm sorry Esther…I didn't mean for you to see that." she said. "It's okay…I understand, I was the same way yesterday." I told her. Truly I did throw a tantrum of desperation when I watched that house go up in flames. I knew where her pain was coming from. Still, although I could empathize with Jennifer, I really didn't care much for her. The compassion that "Esther" showed was all just a mask. She was still just a stranger to me no matter how much she cared. I was hundreds of miles away from Maine and even farther away from Syrah. What did I care for Jennifer? I felt like I was even worse off than she was. She wiped her eyes with a tissue and stood back up. "It's going to take awhile for me to accept this." she said calmly.
"Aunt Jennifer, I wish there was something I could have done to stop that fire. I ran outside when it happened. I didn't even see who did this. I feel so alone." I told her sorrowfully. "No Esther, your aunt Jennifer is here for you now. Your not alone anymore. I know your lost. Come here and let me hold you!" She once again embraced me. I think she was trying to find as much comfort from me as I was from her. She sobbed into my dress. "Your just a child…to have all that taken from you. To have everything taken from me. From the both of us." I allowed her to let her emotions run free on me. I tried to think positively. Something good had to come out of this. I had to find something positive in this massive amount of loss I had suffered. Was Jennifer this "positive" aspect even in her current state? What could I gain from her that would benefit me? I always thought of ways on how to use and manipulate others. She could cry forever for all I cared. All I knew was that I had to find away out of this house as quickly as possible. There was no man in sight. No child for me to raise. I couldn't just run off to an orphanage like I did when I took the train to Russia. Things were different in this country. I was in too much pain to think of any potential plans at the time being. All Jennifer and I could do was to stay close and try to remember what we had lost. No words would bring me comfort. No amount of hugging or being embraced was going to bring my Paul back from the grave.
I still felt completely justified in what I had done. I HAD to do it! I HAD TO DO IT! Still, how would I ever redeem myself for having hurt my love? I was looking for redemption even if I did feel justified. I was hoping that his spirit would forgive me for what I had done to him. I would give almost anything just to be held by him one final time. Just to be given a kiss one more time. Just to BE with him for one last time. I never felt such love for a man as I had with Paul. His sister was now all that I had left that linked me with the Sullivans. I wanted desperately to look for Paul in her. Somewhere within her personality. Somewhere within her very soul. I wanted to find that one scrap of him that I could hold onto to. I couldn't see anything in Jennifer's eyes. Nothing but hurt and sorrow and almost unimaginable pain. At the same time, did Jennifer see Leena Klammer in me? Did she see the violent psychopath that lurked underneath the dress and the powdered face? What could she see in my own eyes? Did she just see the pain and suffering within me or did she something more sinister? What clues were I giving her? She let go of me and blew her nose into her tissue. "I wish we could both wake up…that this is some terrible dream. Some terrible nightmare." she said in quiet pain. "Just know again that I'll be here for you Esther. I want you to be here with me. You need me even more. I'm just glad that you made it out alive. It's a miracle that I don't have to bury you too!" she said. "We'll be with them again one day, aunt Jennifer. Doesn't that make you feel happy?" I said childishly. She wiped her eyes once more. "Yes…yes it does. One day Esther. Some day." she said assuringly.
I realized that even though I now had a place to stay once more that there were still many days of uncertainty lying ahead. Just as I felt when I escaped from the Saarne Institute, when I left Syrah for Russia, and finally when I came to America, once again I had to deal with uncertainty. Uncertainty was always my constant companion. It was with me when I placed my head on the pillow at night and when I awoke in the morning. I never seemed to be sure of my future. Uncertainty never seemed to leave my side. When would I ever get a true chance to settle down? To make a family? Am I doomed to be Esther for the rest of my life? Hopping from orphanage to orphanage, from family to family? To have my hopes raised to their highest level only to have them smashed again? I constantly had to gather up every ounce of my strength in order to carry on. I had to wonder how much longer I could continue with this illusion before I simply burned myself out. When would that fuse blow? Carry on Leena…just carry on!
In Chapter 22, Leena/Esther finds herself adjusting to yet another strange household but she soon finds that Jennifer is not quite the person she seemed to be at first. In the meantime, Leena struggles hard to keep in character without breaking but also begins showing the characteristics of her true self as well.