Chapter Twenty-One
I gave myself ten more minutes of pathetic crying before I sucked it up, dried my eyes, and made myself get up off that damn chair. Yeah, this sucked. And yeah, it would probably never stop sucking. But right then, I just wanted to go home, change into my pajamas, and watch really stupid television with Nudge and Iggy.
I wiped my damp fingers on my pants as I stood, digging my nails into my legs. I surveyed the place one more time, taking in the cheap linoleum and the empty outlines on the walls where pictures once hung, and basked in the revelation that a person could be changed as much as I had in just two months' time.
"Well," I said, exhaling a deep breath. "That's that, I guess." I turned to go, to leave this place forever. And I was able to convince myself that I was okay with it.
Until I saw who was lurking in the open doorway.
We stood there, staring at each other, for what seemed like an eternity. Our breathing was unnaturally loud in the elevated silence. My mouth opened slightly as I took in his disheveled hair, the circles under his eyes, the wrinkles in his clothes. He was a wreck; in that, we matched.
"What are you doing here?" he said finally, in a voice that was just above a whisper. There was about ten feet of space between us, but it may as well have been a canyon.
"I-I thought you were gone." I sounded breathless, as if I had just run a marathon. The pounding of my heart against my rib cage backed up that theory nicely.
He gestured behind me. "I forgot my chair." He shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. "I was on my way to the moving company. My lease ended on the first of August, and my landlady was nice enough to let me live here for another week, but I decided to book an earlier flight for later tonight, except the moving van leaves in an hour. And these chairs belonged to my mother. It's part of a set." He swallowed, and I watched his throat work. "I couldn't- I couldn't just leave it."
His face was pale and he looked stricken, as if he'd seen a ghost. I took a step towards him and his hand clenched around the front doorknob. He shook his head slightly, and I stopped.
"Why are you here?" he asked again, sounding angry. "You made your point. I signed your damn papers. What more do you want from me?" His voice grew steadily louder until it broke, and he rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes, turning away from me so I couldn't see the tears gathering. My throat began to hurt from holding back my own. I'd seen Fang cry a handful of times- once about his dead family. And then a couple times about me. So far, this time was the hardest to watch.
It takes a strong person to show weakness like that.
"Nick, I-" I cleared my throat and pushed my bangs off my face. I tried to find the words to express how deeply sorry I was, but he didn't give me the chance.
"Stop." He stepped fully inside the apartment and slammed the door, causing the walls to shake with the force of it. "Don't come in here and do those stupid little things you do. Stop turning those wide eyes on me and pushing back your stupid hair and making me ache for you like this. You have no right," he yelled. I stumbled back, the backs of my knees knocking against the chair.
My eyes shot open even wider at his outburst. "Nick-"
"And stop calling me that. You're the only one who ever calls me that, and every time someone says it now I want to rip my hair out because it reminds me of you." His hands clenched into fists at his side. I could see his red eyes, the pink spots on the apples of his cheeks. He was trying so hard to keep it together.
My lips began to quiver, and it felt like someone had punched a hole through my chest. "Stop yelling at me." My voice was a raw whisper against the sudden silence, like fire crackling in the dead of night.
He took another step closer, into the soft light cast by the setting sun streaming through the blinds of the only window in the room. He continued in a hushed murmur, as if I hadn't spoken at all. "And I still wake up and reach for you, you know. And you're not there."
He pressed his knuckles against his closed eyes, and I couldn't help the strangled noise that burst out of my throat, straight from my chest. The hole ripped into a cavern, and it sucked my breath away. I watched his shoulders lurch with his cries, watched his mouth open and close as he took gaping breaths, all the while painted pink and orange by the setting sun. In spite of it all, he was beautiful. It's not a word frequently used to describe those who identified as male, but it was the only word that came to mind as I looked at him. The ice in my heart cracked, and then began to thaw. It hurt, in the way your fingertips do after being outside in the cold for a long period of time and then coming in to warm them. The numb had to be stripped forcefully before any true feeling could be returned.
I moved towards him, slowly, my breath frozen in my broken chest. My fingers wrapped around his wrists, their touch gentle and cautious. I pulled his hands away from his bloodshot eyes, and he glared down at me. I took in his heartache, his sorrow. I swallowed it and let it make me whole again.
"I love you," I whispered. "I have loved you since we laid together in that stupid motel bed and you told me about your sisters. I love the way your hair sticks up at every angle first thing in the morning. I love the way you reach for my hand, like you're not even thinking about it. Like it's just an extension of yours." He bit down on his lower lip, and I reached up to cup his face with one of my hands, my thumb gently tugging the lip out from between his teeth. His eyes were still guarded, but at least he was listening. "I love the way I fit into your side. I love the way you interact with your family and your friends. And I love the way you look at me when you think I can't see you; when you think I'm not looking. And I am so sorry."
He looked down and his jaw tightened as he fought for control. I felt the muscles flutter under my fingertips, and chills ran down my arms.
"I still reach for you too," I added. His eyes snapped up to meet mine, and his were full of wonder. I studied the golden flecks swirled around amidst the black. "Almost every night. I have never missed someone as much as I miss you. It's like someone has chopped off my arm- I don't even know how to function. How can someone function when you strip away their center of gravity?" The last part was barely a murmur- I was talking more to myself than to him.
"Why-why didn't you tell me any of this? Before this whole mess had to happen?" he asked, eyes searching mine. I cast my gaze down, choosing instead to stare at his chest. I let my hand trail down, over his neck and to his collarbone, which I traced with an index finger. I felt him shiver almost imperceptibly. I chose my words carefully, taking my time. I pressed my hand flat over his chest, fingers splayed wide, and felt his heartbeat throb under my skin. It picked up speed when I caught his eyes with mine again, and a slip of glee bubbled up in my chest.
"Because I knew this was coming, Nick. I knew it was coming, but I never anticipated the impact. When I finally figured out I loved you, I just fell even more. I was drowning in an ocean I could never get out of. I couldn't tell you because it was so overwhelming. I was confused. You are everything I want and more, and it scares me. It scares the hell out of me." I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent- soap and the slight spice of cologne. Familiar. Safe. Love. How could I have thought he was anything else? "I've never been loved like you love me. I've never loved like I love you.
"And I couldn't let myself be the thing that stopped you from being happy. Until I realized that we were what made each other happy."
I felt his fingertips drift over my cheekbones, wiping away moisture, and then they laced through my hair, thumbs stroking my jawline. I could feel the rip in my chest being slowly filled with a light so bright and hot it threatened to burn me up from the inside out. I welcomed it; it made me complete again.
When he spoke again, he was close enough for his breath to tickle my cheeks and move my bangs. "Love is strange and complicated and crazy and doesn't make sense. Just like you."
I laughed, the noise sounding thick and husky in my tear-clogged throat. "Nick."
He dropped his forehead to rest against mine, and sighed. I kept my eyes closed murmured, "I am so sorry."
"Me too. No more lying."
"Speaking of lying- I know you don't have a job offer in Oregon."
He groaned, rubbing his nose against mine. "Iggy?" he asked.
"Iggy," I agreed.
"That son of a bitch."
I licked my lips and met his eyes. "And while we're admitting things?" My blood began to pound in my ears. My fingertips tingled with nerves and giddy light.
"Yeah?"
"I've got just one more surprise for you." I grabbed his hand and placed it over my still-flat tummy, our fingers overlapping. "Hey, little peanut. This is daddy," I said, looking down to address my stomach where said-peanut was currently growing. My voice was tear-clogged, the words almost lodging in my throat. I sniffled and a laugh burst out of my mouth. "This is your daddy."
Fang's head snapped up and he eyed me, something like hope mixed with suspicion in his eyes. "Are you serious?" he asked in a hushed tone, like if he talked too loud the illusion would be broken. "Are you really-?"
I nodded, a smile breaking over my face, and his jaw dropped. In the next second, I was being smothered by laughter-infused kisses, and then he wrapped his arms around my middle and lifted me off my feet and spun me in a circle. I shrieked with laughter, feeling truly happy for the first time in weeks. He sat me down and pulled me into a hug. He completely enveloped me, swallowing my laughter and my tears and drowned me in warmth. In love.
"God, please don't ever leave me again," he murmured into the skin where my neck met my shoulder. I shook my head, running my fingers through the soft hair at the nape of his neck.
"Never. Never again."
He pulled back and stared down at me, brushing my hair off my face. Then, he cradled it in his big, gentle hands, and pulled it towards his.
"Maximum Ride." He shook his head, biting back a smile. "You want to marry me, for real this time?"
"I thought you'd never ask." I grinned so wide I thought my face would split in two, light exploding out of my fingers and toes. He leaned in, and I closed my eyes as his lips brushed mine. We kissed each other breathless, bathed in setting sunlight and surrounded by the empty apartment where (almost) everything began.
It's odd how life was rarely about those big, important choices, but rather hinged on the small, stupid ones we didn't realize were choices until it was too late. If I had decided to stay in the night Dylan dumped me and wallow in my loneliness, I would have never gotten drunk and married in a chapel in Vegas. I wouldn't have met Fang. I wouldn't be pregnant with a little peanut that I loved more than life itself. And that thought is scarier to me now than any I have had before.
Life was long and life was short. Life was long because you could not possibly remember when it began and you could never foresee its ending. Life was short because it flowed so quickly, like a river slipping by. And because you never seemed to accomplish what you planned but, instead, what you did not plan, those monsters jumping up so quickly and passing by like lightning. I did not plan for Fang and and a baby and for so much happiness that it was pouring out of my ears. But it was the hand life had dealt me, and I couldn't have asked for better. It was perfect.
And it was only the beginning.
A/N Okay, say it with me you guys- 'Awwww!' Yeah I know- it's sweet enough to rot your teeth, ain't it? There is an epilogue coming, and then that's it, folks. It's over after that. I will have a longer author's note at the end of that one, which I definitely don't want you guys to miss, so stay tuned! Love you!