U is for Unsustainable

Next weeks registered in Kanda's memory as a haze of blood, demons, death and destruction. Everything blurred into one big chaos, from searching for Tiedoll, through Edo and Ark, up till the attack on European Branch. Things did speed up considerably and it seemed there was no slowing down now. The mess was unbelievable and he started looking forward to see the fall of the Order if things went further the same way. Damn them all, he thought angrily. Why don't you all just die. Fuming, he hit the wall with all his force. Cracking of the stone and his knuckles merged into one sound. He looked surprised at his own hand as if he didn't expect it to hurt. He stared as the thin trails of blood streamed down his hand and dripped slowly to the ground. To cause more pain he forced his fingers to straighten. He hissed at the sensation and closed his eyes.

Why can't I die, just like that, like every one around me does, he thought bitterly as he felt the tingling of regeneration. Why can't I die just like Daisya. He cursed under his breath as the images from Barcelona flooded his mind. They hurt and that made him uneasy. They shouldn't hurt, I shouldn't feel anything at all, I'm not human, I'm not as weak, I was made to be stronger, he tried to reason as he felt something itching his eyes. He closed them and put his forehead against the cold stone to calm down. Why am I the one to survive, he thought frustrated.

A silent sigh made him snap his eyes open and look around. Didn't he notice before that some one was there? But he saw no one. He should run for it before whoever it was could see him like that. But no, for some strange reason his feet led him down the corridor and stopped by one of the balconies. And there he saw Lavi, leaning against the stone railing, looking into distance. His hair looked like flames in the evening sun and the warm feeling made him come near. He stopped next to him with his back against the cold wall, his arms crossed on his chest. He stood there in silence that felt strangely comfortable. Only after a while Junior did turn to him, his usually vibrant green eye blank. He opened his mouth to say something but then his gaze fell on the bloodied hand. He frowned and stared back up the pale face above him.

"Did you beat up Allen again?" he asked emotionlessly.

"No, I tried to bring the damn building down" Kanda answered seriously. Lavi sniggered humorlessly at that.

"That'd be tough" he commented and sat on the railing turning to the horizon once again.

"Probably" the Japanese sighted and looked at the redhead scrutinizing. There was no trace of the happy-go-lucky facade that he showed to everybody. There was not even a shadow of the mischievous smile. He looked a bit like an empty shell and that frightened Kanda a bit – he looked too much like himself.

"Where did your lovely mask go?" he asked after a while. He earned a sideway frown that sparkled with curiosity and suspicion and a corner of Junior's lips twisted knowingly. After all, there is some one inside this body, the Japanese noticed with a relief. Against all reason he realized that the small smile that graced Junior's face so often was somewhat pleasant.

"Got blood-soaked and melted away" Lavi answered the question somewhat ironically. "What, you'd prefer me to smile sweetly and chirp away sugary words?" It was Kanda's time to snigger.

"No, sweets make me nauseous" he said flatly and silence fell between them once again. Surprisingly, it wasn't the uneasy type or the ringing one. It was comfortable. It felt right. It felt like it was somehow wrapping them around and connecting their very existence. Like chilly morning fog or warm summer rain. He closed his eyes to hear it better.

Lavi shifted on the railing and looked Kanda up and down. There was something deep inside that he never saw in him. A strange feeling that he could only compare to a hole ripped in a chest. A great opening that pierced straight through him. It was ambiguous to the core – warm like the sun and cold like stone, something completely new yet somehow familiar, a shy light and a great darkness. That thing tingled Junior's imagination and curiosity even more than the boundlessness of the night-dark eyes or the gentleness of his flawless features. He wanted to touch it, to caress the rugged edges and to fill the void. What caused it? Why? Was it really the heart that was missing? He wanted to know, to understand.

"What's with the face?" Lavi asked breaking the silence. Kanda frowned not opening his eyes as if he'd be thinking what to answer.

"There's been... Lots of things happening lately" he replied after a while, slowly, choosing every word with care. "I'm trying to sort them out" he confessed with a sigh.

"Yeah, it's been busy" Junior admitted with his eyes still fixed on Kanda. There was more and he knew that. And he realized, it was not the Bookman curiosity that demanded the information but his concern for the other exorcist. Was he worried? How come? He cursed in his mind - was he really loosing his objectivity so much? "You can always say if something's bothering you too much" Lavi said not really believing that the words really left his mouth. "Maybe I could help" he added quietly. What the hell's happening to me?

"Yeah" Kanda smirked turning to him. "You'd give me your objective point of view, no?" he asked somewhat ironically. That hurt. Wait, what did I just think? Oh, the freaking emotions are rubbing off of me way too much. But still, he felt hurt. He turned his gaze back to the sun.

"You may think of me whatever you wish, Yuu, but I'm not as heartless as I should be" he confessed quietly as if he was afraid of the walls eavesdropping. "I'm a deep damn bastard, I know. I read files, analyze conversations and sniff around. Hate me all you want. But I do care. I didn't even realize it before Road showed it to me in the Ark. But now I know. I do care about what happens to everybody."

"Well, I don't" came an unexpected reply. "I wish all this collapsed and turned to dust." They both looked each other in the eyes. Incredulous green met empty black.

"Then what are you doing here?" Lavi asked barely louder than a whisper. Kanda shrugged in reply.

"I don't know what else I could do. I was made for this after all" he said flatly. Unbidden, words about the Second Exorcist project flooded the redhead's mind. He shivered at that. Then, as if in answer to his thoughts, something flickered in the dark eyes. Deep, deep inside, in the endless shadows and behind veils of anger and hatred. Could that possibly be sadness? Junior, mesmerized, made a move to get up and than the charm was broken. The swordsman twitched and pushed himself away from the wall. In the heat of the moment, the redhead acted upon instinct – he grabbed Kanda by the wrist. He expected to be shoved or slapped hard for that but the Japanese only stiffened momentarily. The tense silence stretched between them.

"Yuu-" Lavi started but couldn't find the right words.

"I don't hate you" said the other exorcist, barely audibly, without turning around to face the redhead. In the moment of pure astonishment he freed himself effortlessly form the grip and left. Behind him, shell shocked, Lavi stood and watched his back absolutely hypnotized.

After having said the words, Kanda realized, that he truly meant them. He did feel that way and it confused him greatly as somehow he knew, he would never be able to hate the stupid rabbit. No matter what. Feeling strangely lost he made his way to the training grounds. He had to work things out his own way.

AN: The title is after "Unsustainable" song by Muse =) Go and listen to it - it's pure power and magic ^^