21
He started awake, feeling the crick in his neck immediately. Grimacing he raised his hand up and began massaging his sore muscles. He glanced over at her, relieved to see she was still sleeping. Despite her exhaustion, she had been unable to settle and eventually he had convinced her to take the sedative that the night nurse had suggested might help. She had fought it, but eventually her tired body had succumbed. He had watched her sleeping, his mind in turmoil. Now that they were safe, his thoughts kept returning to that room and what Ray had done to her and the fact that he had been right there but unable to stop it. He knew that Ray's real motive hadn't been as much to hurt her as it was to 'punish' him. In some ways it almost made it seem worse: he had used her to get at him and even though deep down he knew it wasn't his fault, he still felt guilty.
He had spoken to Cragen on the phone a little earlier and he had confirmed that the hunt for Ray would leave no stone unturned, but so far it appeared he had disappeared into the wind. Reluctantly, Elliot had to acknowledge that while he was out there neither of them could rest easy. Ray knew where they lived, he knew intimate details about their lives and he had already proved that he was perfectly willing to take a step back from the limelight and wait until the timing was opportune, however long it took, before making his next move. The man was obsessed and Elliot was worried that unless they caught him, there was a good chance he might one day attempt to finish off what he had started. It was vital he was caught and he would do everything he could to ensure he was locked up for the rest of his life, with no further possibility of hurting Olivia or anyone else again.
She had agreed to the rape kit in the end. As she had pointed out, even though a huge part of her just wanted to forget about it and avoid facing it completely, how hypocritical would it be to not fight for justice after she had encouraged all those women to come forward during her years at the special victims unit? Elliot had told her that there was no standard she had to hold herself to, that it was her decision and that the important thing was that she was comfortable with it. He knew she had appreciated him saying that, but she had still been adamant that she wanted to go ahead. Elliot had stayed with her for much of it, only stepping outside during the more intimate parts of the exam.
Once it was finally over, she had lain back on her bed thoroughly drained, not saying a word, obviously overwhelmed by everything she had gone through. He had reached for her hand and held it for a while and watched her sadly as she had cried silent tears of a pain that he desperately wished he could take away. He had no idea what to do. Usually the time he spent with a rape victim was geared towards catching the bastard responsible or prepping the victim for court. Olivia had always been so much better at comforting them than he had. This was so very different; not least because he was an integral part of her trauma. She not only had the rape to deal with, but also the humiliation of it having been carried out in front of him. He was seriously questioning whether this was something they could actually get over.
"El," he heard her say and he started. How long had she been awake? He had been completely lost in his thoughts.
"Hey," he said quietly. The first wisps of light were poking through the curtains, telling him that the new day was not far off.
"You're still here," she said groggily wiping her eyes.
"Of course. Are you alright?" He could tell she was subdued.
"Just a nightmare," she said despondently.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Did you get any sleep at all?" she asked, ignoring his question.
"A little."
"It wasn't so bad," she said, after a short pause.
"Tell me," he encouraged her.
"He was raping me and you were there, but you just watched."
"Liv," he said, heavyhearted. "How is that not bad? It sounds horrible."
"Well it was just a dream. I know you would have helped me if you had been able to."
"I'm so sorry I couldn't stop it. I really am."
"It's not your fault."
"It's all my fault. He only came after you to get at me. I should have predicted something like this. I should have…"
"Elliot. Stop, please. There's no point beating yourself up about this. I don't blame you. It's not your fault. I was an idiot. I mean why didn't I question it when I thought you had suggested meeting at that corner? It didn't make any sense, yet I still went along. I should have called you, confirmed it or something?"
"You didn't know."
"It's no one's fault. It's easy in retrospect to say we should have done this or that."
"I just keep seeing it though. I tried so hard to get free. I really did."
"I know," she said. She could see the tears in his eyes too.
"Hold me," she whispered nervously, shifting over slightly and indicating the space she had made for him on her bed.
He stood from his chair and clambered onto the bed beside her, then tentatively wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him.
"We'll get through this, won't we?" she said.
He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He held her tightly, wishing he could turn back time and somehow change everything, hating that he couldn't.
They held each other like that, talking quietly, until the nurse came in to do her morning rounds.
…
The following day, much to her relief, Olivia was released from the hospital. Elliot had invited her back to his place, but as she had pointed out Ray knew where both of them lived, so it wouldn't be any safer there, perhaps even less so, since at least her place had a little more security than his did. They had already had the locks to her apartment changed, the place swept thoroughly for bugs and Elliot had been on to her landlord about the long-overdue overhaul of the foyer CCTV system. He had promised it would be upgraded within a couple of weeks.
As they passed through the foyer, Olivia checked her mail box, grabbing the handful of letters unenthusiastically, knowing that the majority of them were bills. Once inside her apartment, she quickly flicked through them, dismissing all but one. Unlike the other letters, it had a coloured envelope, and the address was hand printed.
"I wonder what this is?" she mused out loud.
"Only one way to find out," Elliot said.
She ripped it carefully and withdrew a card. The picture was of a teddy bear holding a bright red heart. She opened it curiously. There was only one line – again handwritten – but as soon as she read it, it struck fear into her heart. She gasped, handing it straight to Elliot.
"Always watching!" Elliot read out loud. He immediately placed the card back down on the table and reached for his phone, dialling Cragen's number directly. He placed his other hand on Olivia's arm supportively, feeling her shaking beneath his grasp.
As he made the call, he led Olivia over to the sofa, guiding her down gently. He had never seen her look quite this shaken. It didn't take him long to explain to Cragen what was going on and ask him to send someone over to pick up the letter for analysis.
"It's going to be okay, Liv," he said once he'd finished the call, trying to sound more confident and calm than he actually felt. "He's just trying to rattle you. They swept your place for bugs. I'll get them to put a detail outside just to be on the safe side, but it's just scare tactics."
"Well they're working," she replied.
"We don't have to stay here," he said.
"Where are we supposed to go Elliot? This is my home."
"Let me get you some tea or something," he suggested.
"No! I don't want any fricking tea!" she snapped. "I want my life back! I don't want to be this woman sitting here scared out of her mind because of a fricking post card, damn it!"
"I know," he said sympathetically. "It's going to be okay, alright? They'll get him."
"What if they don't? What if he comes back?"
"They'll find him. The whole force is out looking for him. Anyway if he comes within a mile of you, it'll be the last mistake he'll ever make." She watched his fists clench as he spoke and she couldn't help but smile at his protective stance.
"When was the post mark?" she asked suddenly. Elliot stepped back towards the table and carefully checked the envelope.
"It's dated the day after you disappeared," he said.
"So he obviously wasn't planning to kill us then?" she wondered out loud. "I mean if he wanted me to get this afterwards?"
"It would seem so. Who knows what was going through his head though?"
Later that day
"Who is it?" Elliot asked.
"It's me, Cragen," his Captain replied. Elliot buzzed him in and waited for him to arrive.
"Something must be up, if he's come here in person," Olivia observed nervously.
"Maybe he just wants to check in on you?" Elliot suggested. "He still cares about you, you know."
A minute later they heard the sound of footsteps out in the corridor and Elliot opened the door.
"How are you holding up Olivia?" Cragen asked as soon as he had taken a seat on the armchair offered to him.
"Not bad," she replied.
"Look, we had the results back from the prints on the inside of the card. Unfortunately, besides yours and Elliot's, the only other print was indeterminable."
"What do you mean? You couldn't run it?"
"No, just the owner isn't in the system."
"What?" Olivia said confused. "It wasn't Ray?"
"Maybe he got someone else to send it for him?" Elliot said quickly.
"It's very possible," Cragen agreed.
"Look, I've put a car outside. You're not in any immediate danger. We're making every effort to track down Ray Schenkel. Fin and Munch are interviewing a guy from the hostel he was living in. I'll let you know the second we get anything, okay."
"Thanks, Captain," Elliot said, watching Olivia nervously. She seemed to have withdrawn into herself. He suspected she wasn't hearing a word Cragen was saying.
...
Once his visit was over, he saw his Captain to the door and bolted it carefully behind him, then returned to the sofa where Olivia was still sitting unmoved.
"He must have someone helping him," she said decisively. "Maybe that person was the one who planted the bugs?"
"You're probably right," Elliot said. He sighed. He wished he had thought to get them to check her mail before they had come home. Not that it would have helped. he knew she would be furious if he ever tried to hide anything from her.
"They have to get him, El! I can't live like this," she said interrupting his thoughts.
"They will, I promise."