CHAPTER TWENTY

It was then that I knew that I could trust Carlisle. When he looked at me, all that reflected his eyes was understanding. Unlike Edward, there was no hint of worry or remorse, just complete and total comprehension. And I knew that from then on for the rest of my life that I could trust him—not that he ever gave me a reason not to. He did things for others without being asked to, and I think that was what made him successful as a doctor. The chance to help people reeled him in—not the money or whatever fame may come out of it. And because of what he was—what we were—he probably thought of helping others as a retribution for his sins, but enjoyed doing it along the way. He was nothing but benevolent, nothing short of compassionate, and I could finally see why Esme loved him. He bared his soul for all to see and I couldn't help but jealous. I was envious of the way he was so confident. He was so sure of himself in a way that I couldn't see myself match—and the rest of the family fit that way too, but not as prominent yet collective as Carlisle. I think that was what made him more arresting.

Suddenly I could feel what he felt when he found me. So suddenly, I could feel the pain of seeing someone dying and having the chance to save them, but choosing not too. That was an impossible thing to convince yourself. When you had the unnatural power beyond hospitals of saving someone's life—someone who barely scraped twenty, someone who barely lived their life that clearly was not over—it would be difficult to ignore. And if it was ignored, guilt that went for miles would arise. And despite who I was and who others made me out to be, I knew I couldn't let him die. He looked like he had so much more to live for. It made me realize just how much Carlisle put on the line every day. Evidently, he was the most sure, most heartfelt of the Cullen's, and it wasn't until now that I realized it.

And being in Emmett's position not too long ago, I understood. I really didn't want to die—that's why my heart was still beating after all that time. And that's why his was too.

I didn't really know what to feel.

I was so enamoured in what I was thinking that I didn't even notice the lingering silence. After Carlisle had bitten Emmett it was quiet. I didn't know what had happened, but Carlisle didn't say anything and I didn't ask.

I tried to think about something else for the time being but everything always came back to Emmett. It was all too surreal. I was expecting him to be screaming or thrashing around but he wasn't. I looked at Carlisle. He looked apprehensive and I didn't want to ask. So I didn't.

Carlisle's voice shot through the silence. "He lost a lot of blood when you brought him, Rosalie—he was almost dead."

I didn't really know what to think.

Emmett's skin was pale and his chest was slowly rising up and down. The burning he'd feel would come soon.

"Just give him more time, he'll come around." Carlisle sounded sure of himself, but I wasn't sure if he even believed it. His voice was wary, slightly shaking.

I stared at Emmett's closed eyes, his face almost tortured, and was soon reminded of his lifeless body that the swelling in my chest grew. Memories rushed through me of my death and it hurt. It really, really did.

"Carlisle," I barely whispered, still staring at Emmett.

I felt his eyes on me and I didn't know if I could really tell him. Part of me wished Edward was here to say it himself. Another part of me, somewhere deep inside my conscious mine, didn't.

"Emmett…" I croaked. Carlisle didn't say anything.

This wasn't me—the suffering, pain, distraught, on the brink of tears but not being able to cry… that wasn't me at all. Where did Rosalie, straight-forward and introverted Rosalie go? I didn't miss her. Was I supposed to? It was funny how I wasn't myself. It was funny how I let my 'family' see me like this. It was funny how life was funny. I almost cried. I should have. I wished I did, then I wouldn't have to talk. Carlisle would turn and probably leave, thinking I needed a moment. I did. But I didn't want to ask him to leave. Maybe I should. I couldn't.

And I was too cold to cry. But if I was, then why did my insides feel like they were burning?

I stepped closer to Carlisle and pushed some hair out of Emmett's face. I could feel Carlisle still staring at me and couldn't help myself when I turned to him and asked, "Is this normal?"

Carlisle opened his mouth to speak but Emmett started to scream. I was relieved—scared too. I was relieved and scared. As Carlisle went over to Emmett I stayed close. I couldn't help it.

Emmett thrashed around and I held his arms and torso down while Carlisle held his head. We didn't have to say anything to each other because we knew what to do. Somewhere along the way Edward had come and held down his legs. His body was intoxicating. I felt dizzy. I wanted to touch him everywhere and memorize how he felt under my touch. Through his thin shirt I felt his muscles as he tried to twist out of my hold—his shirt rode up a bit and his shirt was soft but his skin was even softer.

He screamed words I couldn't understand and it didn't matter. At that moment I wished the pain stopped so he felt better. He was twisting and withering and I bet he thought he was on fire. I wished there were a kind of water I could dump on him to make the heat go away. Obviously, there wasn't.

My body was pressing against Emmett's and my hands were tightening my hold around his. Without even knowing, I started to draw circles on his palms, as if trying to calm him down. It didn't work. I wasn't expecting it to.

His eyes were shut and I began to talk to him. I started by telling him it was going to be okay, asking Carlisle questions here and there. Soon I was babbling and stopped making sense, mumbling words together. When did I start making sense? I wondered what made sense to him. Would he think his new life—his vampire life—made sense? I wanted to know, touch, feel, watch, and smell him like Esme did to Carlisle, a little lovely and a little ambitious.

Soon Emmett's thrashes slowed down before he immediately started to yell again, and my voice was frantic as I stared to ask Carlisle questions, often snapping at him. He gave me calm answers, telling me not to worry, telling me that he'll be okay, and telling me to calm down again.

After many painful minutes with seeing Emmett like that his actions eventually slowed. And soon he stopped moving and I reluctantly let go of him.

"He'll need to rest for a while before the transformation is complete, and more pain might come in random spurts," Carlisle told me.

I kept my eyes on Emmett and saw through my peripheral vision Edward staring at him too. I almost forgot he was there. Soon Edward left the room to go back to Esme, but Carlisle stayed a little longer. He stayed longer than I thought. I could tell he didn't want to leave, but I told him I was okay. He was hesitant, but he left me alone with Emmett. I forgot to ask how long. That was okay though, I guess.

I watched him for I didn't know how long, just standing there. I couldn't sleep, so that helped. I closed my eyes for a long time sometimes, hoping that when I opened them he'd be staring back at me. I smelled bits of Emmett's smell on me and I wondered how they were able to resist. Carlisle, it was his kind of thing, but I was surprised at Edward. I should ask him about that later. Esme wasn't in the room though. I didn't mind. I understood. I liked her.

I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted to hear him talk to me for the first time. It would kill me if it were in pain. God, I hoped not. I couldn't wait to see him. But would he be disgusted with who we were, who he now was? A part of me feared that. I hated how I was, so would he too? Would he want nothing to do with me? What the hell was I thinking, I wasn't supposed to be attached to this guy. I told myself just one last look and now he could quite possibly spend an eternity with me. It wasn't supposed to be like that. What do I do now? I couldn't just ask Carlisle to kill him.

I stared down at him. Maybe he'd be to me what Edward was to me: a brother. I hoped so. I didn't. It's dangerous, what I felt. Would he hate me for wanting to change him? Did he want to marry, have kids, find a love? I wanted that, so maybe he did too. I ruined his life.

"Are you okay, my Angel?" a voice asked. It was low and tired and confused and a million other things I could describe, but easily crawled through the surface of my skin.

It took me a moment to register who was talking to me.

It took me a moment to register what he had just called me.

"Angel?" I asked him, ignoring his question.

He ignored mine. "Wow," he said, looking around the room, "Hell doesn't look that bad like they taught me in school."

"Hell?" I was lost.

Emmett stared at me quizzically. "Oh!" He shot up from the table. "This is heaven… that's why everything is white, and you're my angel."

He smiled. I stared. Esme had chosen to decorate the house with white furniture and it wasn't until now that I really looked at it.

I wanted to ask if Emmett was taking drugs or was just always this delusional.

"You're not hurting?" I asked him, pulling my hands away from his skin.

"Am I supposed to be? Well, I'm not anymore..." he answered himself, scratching his head and ruffling his hair.

"So he's awake," Carlisle said from the door frame.

Emmett turned to look at him and he turned back to me and said, while pointing to Carlisle, "That must be God!"

I gaped at him and I furrowed my brows. What the hell?

Esme and Edward took the chance to enter the room next and before he could speak I stopped him and said, "She's not the Virgin Mary and he's not Jesus. Carlisle isn't God either. And you're not dead. Sort of." I told him. I looked over at Carlisle.

Carlisle decided to be straight-forward with him. "We're vampires," he said.

Emmett looked contemplative. "Hmm… I'll have to think about that one."

I frowned. He noticed and smiled at me. He looked so calm. Why was he so calm when I was standing ramrod straight?

"Well," Emmett started, "I think you're supposed to be my angel then." I opened my mouth but he answered before I could speak. "You didn't say anything about you not being my angel." Before I could reply (again) he turned to Carlisle and asked him, "So how old are you?"

"Two hundred ninety-five," he answered, not bothered at all.

Emmett's eyes got visibly wider as he scanned Carlisle. "No way! That's older than my great, great, great, great… whatever, grandparents! You look no older than thirty! How about you, Angel?" he asked, turning to me.

I ignored the pet name. "Eighteen."

He turned back to Carlisle and pointed at me with his thumb. "See that, I can believe. I'm twenty as well."

My voice held no emotion and I was staring at a spot on the wall across the room. Memories flooding. Crashing. Burning. "He turned me a year ago," I said, never taking my eyes off of him. I couldn't. My own conscious mind wouldn't let me. I realized then that we were born at relatively the same time, and that if I were human and somehow living in Tennessee there was a chance we would've met as humans. Though it was highly unlikely because I didn't camp and had no reason to move from New York to Tennessee. I would've never met him. I didn't know if I was content with being a vampire just yet. I wondered if he was. I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to jinx it.

There was silence for a moment before he got up and stretched, towering over us all. He seemed to notice that too. "So I'm a vampire, eh? Can we still eat food?"

Carlisle answered. "We don't need it anymore, all we need is blood. It would just stay in inside of us until we took it out so we choose not to."

"Really? How could you choose not to eat? Any other rules?" He turned to me. "Anymore, my Angel?" he asked, turning back at me. Edward pointedly stared at me, something evident in his eyes. I just couldn't tell what. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know.

"We'll discuss it later," Carlisle interrupted, "there are more important things we have to attend to."

I only stared back at Carlisle, not sure of what he meant. But he changed all four of us so I didn't question or doubt him. I only waited.

"So you aren't going to… kill me?" Emmett asked. No one said anything and he thought for a moment before replying, "Oh, but I'm already dead. It's going to be hard to get used to that." He laughed out loud. It wasn't an awkward-break-the-silence laughs, but one where he was truly happy. I smiled. At first, I did not notice.

"You should smile more often, Angel," Emmett told me and I hadn't seen him. Once he said those words I frowned and his eyes held baffled curiosity.

Carlisle interrupted again and asked, "How is your neck? I must admit, your blood was—"

"Electrifying," I mumbled, talking to myself. It took me a moment to realize that I had said that aloud. I didn't regret it. I shouldn't. What was done was done. I looked at Emmett and he was smiling at me. It was as bright as his eyes. I should have hated him for it but didn't.

"So… are we gonna bite some humans?" Emmett asked, turning everyone's attention away from my slip up. I breathed a sigh of relief as quiet as I could.

"We're different. We prefer animals," Carlisle answered, calm as the day I met him.

"Oh, I could do that I guess."

Emmett rubbed his neck and his wrists were huge. I bet his ankles were like that too. He looked strong. I bet he could pick me up. I bet he could pick Edward up. I bet he could pick all of us up.

After an awkward moment of silence Carlisle asked, "Do you feel better?"

"Uhh, yeah." He laughed out loud and I couldn't contain myself. He was so happy. Why wasn't he crazy for blood or in denial of what he had become? Was he hiding it and planning to question it later? But why would he do that? Just who was Emmett?

"Why aren't you in denial? Why aren't you questioning anything?" I asked, all heads turning to me. I ignored them. I didn't care.

"Well, being a vampire can't be so bad if you're here. And him," he said, pointing at Carlisle.

"What about me?" Edward suddenly asked. I had to do a double-take when I even saw him grinning.

I looked back at Emmett. I didn't understand him. Maybe I could later. Maybe he would be alright. Could I trust him? I wanted to, but couldn't even though I had protection… my family was here. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad with Emmett around. Edward saw something in him and Edward simply being able to read minds could understand a person better than even themselves. Maybe he saw a brother. I think he needed that. This was the first time I truly saw him happy.

Carlisle chuckled. "Emmett, this is my family, and you're welcomed to be a part of it if you wish. I'm Carlisle, this is my wife, Esme, and my children, Edward and Rosalie. We're by no means blood related, however."

"Ah, I know what you mean," Emmett said, nodding. "This is a lot to take in."

"Maybe we should take him hunting with us. Just get him used to animals quicker so it'd be easier to handle," Edward suddenly announced, "Carlisle?"

Carlisle turned to Edward, knowing written all over his face, and left the room. Edward did too and as he passed me he said, "This is the first time I've seen you happy too."

Carlisle had wanted Edward and I to take Emmett hunting alone. I didn't know why he was so lax, but maybe it was because he was so surprised at Emmett's reaction to being a vampire. We were all surprised actually. Esme and Carlisle had decided to spend some time alone at the house, and even I didn't want to know what that meant.

Instead of heading to Tennessee, Edward wanted to go to West Virginia. We ran together—which for us meant a good several hundred yards away from each other. Emmett was surprising both of us as we passed the border of Virginia, but as we passed the town everything we thought we knew about Emmett didn't matter anymore.

He halted in the middle of nowhere, catching me by surprise. Had I not seen him stop, I knew Edward wouldn't have either. I yelled Edward's name to bring him back as I watched Emmett closely, his nostrils flaring, his eyes darkening even a darker shade of red that they looked almost black. I parted my mouth and inhaled the air, suddenly realizing what Emmett was smelling.

Edward came by shortly after and I glared at him, screaming in my mind that there were humans about. It took him a moment, but when he sniffed the air and could smell them too, his head snapped towards Emmett as he went close to them. Humans were still very hard for me to resist—having been a vampire for only a couple of months—so I could only imagine how hard it was for him.

Edward and I watched him warily as he looked to the sky before through the trees, as if he were looking past them all. His brows furrowed for a moment and a snarl escaped his lips when both Edward and I slowly advanced towards him. But then, he closed his eyes and dropped his head so he looked on the ground. He looked as if he were concentrating. On what?

"I bet humans taste good, but I'm not supposed to eat them, right?" Emmett laughed a little bit as he kept his eyes on the dirt. He sounded sarcastic and mildly amused, knowing the answer to his own question.

Emmett's fists were clenched and I knew he was trying so hard to resist temptation. Immediately, I latched onto his arm, pulling him away from the scent. He didn't resist. I hadn't expected him to.

Edward led us again as I dragged Emmett along, casting us a few glances every now and again. I didn't know if Edward was trying to lead us to humans or just an idiot, because soon the scent of humans became more prominent. Was West Virginia even that populated?

"Edward!" I yelled at him, frustrated at his stupidity, and Emmett's withering blood control. Emmett tried to cooperate and say a few words I didn't once fall for, but that didn't last once he smelled human flesh and running veins. Soon he started to struggle against my grip, his eyes onyx with a tinge of red, his mouth making a snarl, his muscles tensing. I was by no means strong, and my body was only lithe and lean.

It wasn't long before his senses lost control, but hadn't expected to be literally thrown off of him. When I wouldn't let go Emmett kept persisting until he threw me off of him and onto one of the trees. I fell to the ground and slowly brought myself back up. It didn't hurt at all, but it stung on the inside.

I felt something slam behind me and I fell forward, but I was able to catch myself from falling.

"Emmett!" I yelled, directing Edward to him. I got up immediately, proving I was okay, and ran in a much slower pace after the two boys. When they were out of sight I stopped moving and rested my hands on my thighs, doubling over. I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't.

I could handle physical pain, even if I could feel it. It was much easier to handle than what went on in the inside.

"You're so beautiful, any man would be lucky to have you. You're so—"

Why did one thing have to relate to another? Why couldn't things just be forgotten?

"Bye beautiful."

Oh God, just when I thought Royce had left me he just came back—and I was the one that welcomed him back into my life.

I couldn't handle it—the pressure was overwhelming. I felt like my insides were tearing themselves apart, my stilled heart ready to burst in to life and explode out of my skin. I felt as if I were dying—as in, really dying—and I felt pain course through my body as if it were pumping itself through my veins. Every single memory came again harder than before. It was as if they sat on the edge of my mind waiting to tip over at the very thought of pain, the very thought of him. And I knew that cycle would be never ending and would always be there to tear whatever happiness I built up down. I didn't know if I was happy for changing Emmett though, I just knew I couldn't let him die. That didn't mean I cared for the guy.

And why would I? The only person I could fully trust was myself—I was the one person I wouldn't screw over.

I headed home.

I had made a mistake.

a/n: i know that the time line is way off in this story. rosalie would be two years older than emmett (in vampire years), but in this one she is barely one year (in fact, it's only calculated to a couple of months older than emmett). that means rosalie was turned when she was eighteen (like in this fic), and emmett when he was twenty (like this fic), but rosalie would have spent two years with the cullen's before emmett, but in this fic she's only with them for a couple of months before finding emmett (and she should be twenty years now). it isn't a big part of twilight so ignore me messing it up.