CHAPTER 21- Nervous

He woke up with a pair of stinging eyes squinting as the sun punishes him with it's bright rays. Unfortunately, ever since the mess, he half heartedly accepted that perhaps all of the mishaps were the punishment he had no choice but to welcome.

"Malfoy? Are you coming?" Goyle's voice was faint against his bed curtains, yet unwillingly and quite annoyingly, he heard him. Perhaps, one could argue that his bed at home was so much better than the one he's sprawled to in his dorm, but at that point, at that exact date, he wished his much smaller bed could swallow him whole. He was not prepared, nor will he ever will, to go home.

He nodded absent mindedly even if he knew Goyle couldn't hear him. He wishes with all his might that somehow, his always so loud roommate would understand and stop buggering him with his presence, his annoyance was doubled than his usual snob.

And so he groaned deeply. Having no will-power to insult Goyle as heavily as he wanted to. The mere thought of running away from his problems was tempting. Infact, if it wasn't because the dark lord's power over them, he could have revert to his old self and let his father do his biddings. But no, he was at the end of the line, begging, hoping that if he does well, their lives would be spared. Even if he knows too well the dark lord was just waiting for him to fail.

He shivered at the thought, the amount of fear was consuming. His fear with his so called master was his very own cruciatus curse. It lingered through his veins as it spasmed his system with pain. With so much pain.

Although he was not much of an imaginative person, he was indeed neurotic. The thought of the snake slithering itself through his blood, tightening its hold to his veins, made his heart pump and his throat dry.

He splashed freezing water to his dry, lifeless face. Three to one he tried to count, trying to ignore the madness that danced through his eyes. He stared to his reflexion, the same pale man looking back at him without recognition. And that same pale man was a mess, a murderer.

He grabbed the faucet tightly. In those kind of days, he wished he was in the abandoned loo with Luna's voice calming his nerves. He imagined two soft hands cupping his jaw, releasing support through the warmth of such gentle palms.

Out of frustration, he let his mind wander to the days when it was starting to make sense. Throughout with the days he spent with her, he already planned everything out. He had a master plan drawn inside his hopeful mind. He led himself to want. He led himself longing and anticipating that perhaps, if he would ever survive the war, he was certain Luna would forgive him, and maybe, he would court her properly. They could've been real.

But it was real.

Everything was real, you twat! The date, the kiss, that night-

But then, Zabini threw a ruckus and ruined everything.

Did he? Truly?

Or perhaps, he, himself ruined everything?

Throughout the years of training and of perfecting the image of the dark mask of a skilled death eater, he was so certain, it would be impossible for him to find such pure adoration. Death Eaters, they were skilled to kill, to thirst for blood, to be feared. Despite Luna's persistent kindness and beautiful heart, he turned a blind eye to her saving grace. He had already used an unforgivable curse just to save his sorry arse. He almost killed an innocent student who had their own hopes, dreams and also, like him,a master plan, a detailed need, after surviving the wrecked war.

Draco, you're not a monster.

And he broke her heart when all she ever wanted was to love him.

No Luna, I am and you already saw.

The journey to the Great Hall took him longer than how he usually does. Yet, with so much regret and sarcastic enthusiasm, he made it. Immediately, right when be swung the heavy doors open, he was bombarded with noises. The students were running to and fro all around the long tables. Their giddy faces and blushing cheeks, made Draco scoff in annoyance.

Lucky bastards

He knows he could have been slightly cheery too, if he was that carefree and freed from worries. But no, he couldn't, life doesn't pause for people like him, not even for Christmas.

His steps echoed a little from the marble floor, but it seems that the crowd was too excited to even care if he entered. He scanned silently against the heavy armosphere, taking everything in with the thought that he would never roam in the halls the same way ever again- or ever at all. The seem to be permanent dread reminded its existence and made him fooled by the notion that he was destined to die that very night. He also believed that maybe, fate ended his premature relationship with Luna just because it didn't want to hurt her- with that, relief comforted him somehow.

And fate, who has the habit of making an astonished audience of us all, toyed with him. Yet again, he felt her presence and instinct had him locate her.

Of course, of course he had it right. For he saw her, however, she wasn't looking back like she would always do. Her eyes were all over Potter and his' were on hers.

The nerve of that golden scar face!

He scoffed shamelessly, swaggering his way to his marked spot in the Slytherin table as if he payed no single care in the world and especially to that little scene. But who would he fool? Inside he was fuming. More so when he passed the Gryffindor table and only Ginny Weasley, Granger, and Potter turned to look at him.

He wanted to capture her attention of course, he wanted to see her eyes, he did not care of those were the same sad ones that wretched him. He just needs her to feel, to know that he had actually existed in her world and he had once made her feel all the indescribable phenomenas one could possibly have. He just needed a confirmation, a reassurance that maybe, possibly, somebody did cared for him that damn much that he has a piece of himself inside their lives nobody could ever replace. Yet, with his paranoia and his flattering ego, she acted as if he didn't exist

The side of his lip twitched, a rush of disappointment traveled inside his body as he shrugged and tried to control himself not to lose whatever was left in his ability to hold back.

"Draco? Are you alright?" he stood frigid inside the arms of Pansy Parkinson. She held him tight inside her arms, her eyes full of worry and guilt. Apparently, she already heard about what had happened, and as an involved member of the bet, she felt she had a part to be guilty of.

He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her as gentle as how he could muster in his circumstances "I'm fine, Pansy. I can't wait to go home. Merry Christmas indeed" he said, still with his fake enthusiasm. Yet, Pansy furrowed her eyebrows at him, her green eyes warm and full of pity.

"Just stay alive"

"I'll try"

The whole train ride with Pansy was thick with silence-mainly because he chose not to talk or even utter a word. Uncharacteristically. She understood this time, her mouth was locked and there were no comebacks inside her gun of a mouth. For she knows her limitations, she knows too well about the dangers waiting for him, and she, with all the pity she has for Draco, believes that he was getting too much frustration for a seventeen year old boy.

She wished that things didn't went out the way they did. Or atleast, even if he received his mission, he could still have Blaise and Luna on his side. But again, life just struck them hard and left them cold and breathless.

"If you want, I'll go talk to her and-"

"Sod off Parkinson" he fired back, then added "Perhaps, it was better this way"

She did not utter further and instead, she quietly watched him through her peripheral vision. He was staring outside the window, watching the scenery pass by. His mind was full of thoughts.

Primarily he was afraid and discouraged. Nothing had turned out well in any aspect. He felt trapped all over again, as if he was inside a dark place with no light to guide him to where he would go. He was standing there beneath the malicious black and white world, cornered and waiting to be eliminated.

If he would die today, would he die being a death eater? What would Luna say?

He found himself shrugging, nervous for what the future might bring.

Please review :)

Any thoughts? Predictions?.

I'm sorry for the late update, this chapter was already done two days ago, but then I'm having a writer's block lately... And my plot sort of came crashing down with the canon plot so things got blurry. Hope I could work the two things out :).

Thankyou for the support guys X.