A/N Sorry this is so late in coming...I got stuck. All better now :)
Kid was kicking a can outside the bunkhouse. With just Cody and Noah around now and not much work to be had, Kid was bored. He tried to keep himself busy, but every chore was done. The bunkhouse had never been so clean. He, Cody, and Noah had played cards for days. It was different today though. Cody was off scouting for the army today and Noah was on the only run they'd had so far this week. Kid was beginning to think that Jimmy and Buck had the right idea. Kid thought of Buck going to Omaha to be with Lou and he kicked the can hard. It slid off the side of his boot and soared off in a direction he didn't intend. He hung his head and waited for the scolding he was about to get. The last sounds of tinkling glass brought Rachel stomping out of the bunkhouse with a wooden spoon in her hand.
"I'm sorry, Rachel," he said, "I guess I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing."
"It's alright," Rachel said relaxing her grip on the spoon, "Why don't you have a seat, Kid, I can tell something's on your mind."
Kid took a deep breath and let it out as his shoulders slumped and his head bowed. He was never good at bottling up his feelings. He sat on the steps of the bunkhouse and Rachel sat beside him.
"It's Lou," Kid said sadly. "I can't stop thinking about her and now that she and Buck are in the same place…"
"Ah," Rachel said knowingly, "Feeling all mixed up right now is normal. The three of you have been through so much."
"The three of us…" Kid echoed trailing off. "Why does everyone include Buck in this like he's lost something?" Kid asked as his expression hardened. "Why does everyone seem to be making excuses for him? Why isn't anyone on my side?"
"Kid, I'm on your side," Rachel said gently. "You three are like family to me and it tears me up that this situation is going to leave at least one of you if not all three of you scattered to the wind. I still love all three of you no matter what. So I'm always going to be on all of your sides. Besides, Buck has lost something…you."
Kid digested Rachel's words. He was still too angry with Buck to acknowledge the pain of losing him as a brother. He wanted his life back the way, in his mind, it was supposed to be.
"I love Lou, Rachel," Kid said, "I have always loved Lou from the first. I just don't understand why everyone seems to think I should just let her go. I can't let her go."
"I'm so sorry, Kid," Rachel said as she put her arm around Kid's shoulders and gave him a gentle hug. "I know this is hard on you."
"Everything used to be so clear, Rachel," Kid said, "Lou and I were going to be married and we were going to face the world together as a team. We were going to be unstoppable."
"I know," Rachel said sympathetically.
"I don't understand how everything changed," Kid said, "I don't understand why we couldn't overcome what happened in the cave. I was hurt, but I still loved her. Instead of coming back to me and trying to work it out, she kept going to him."
"Sometimes people get scared, Kid," Rachel offered. "They turn away from the people they hurt because they are afraid of hurting them more or that they won't or can't be forgiven for what they've done."
"But, Rachel, Lou should know I will always forgive her," Kid said quietly and then added, "I love her."
"Sometimes people need to be told that," Rachel said. "Humans are fragile, Kid, we need to be reassured that our feelings are accepted and returned. When we don't get reassured we doubt and we hide."
"Do you think she really has feelings for Buck?" Kid asked scared to know the answer.
Rachel sighed. "Yes, I do," she said. "She's going through a lot right now, Kid. She hadn't completely figured out her feelings and then she found out she was in the family way. The stress and strain isn't fair for any of you, but mostly not for her."
"I just want to hold her and make everything alright again," Kid said.
"I know," Rachel said smiling. "That is you, Kid and I think that is something Lou always admired about you even while she was pushing you away for it."
"I know, my concern for her always ended up coming out as caging her in," Kid admitted. "I did a lot of stupid things because I was feeling scared of losing her."
"Yeah, you did," Rachel teased lightly. "But I think deep down Lou knows that."
Kid felt sick and more than a little lost. "What should I do now?" he asked.
Rachel smiled slightly trying to be supportive. "I think you know," she answered.
"I should talk to Lou and tell her how I feel," Kid said.
Rachel nodded. "I'll fix you some food for the trail," Rachel said getting up from the steps.
Kid nodded his thanks and went inside the bunkhouse to pack his things. He was hoping he was never coming back. As soon as he was done in the bunkhouse, Kid went to the barn to saddle up Katy.
Rachel walked out to the barn to meet Kid with a bundle of food and a few letters for Emma, Lou, and Buck. Kid packed it all and hugged Rachel goodbye.
"You stop by the jail and tell Teaspoon goodbye, you hear?" Rachel said as Kid vaulted onto Katy's back.
Kid nodded to Rachel and gave Katy a soft kick and rode over to Teaspoon's office. Rachel watched from the bunkhouse steps as Kid walked into the jailhouse and then came out with Teaspoon giving him a slap on the shoulders. She felt a slight ache in her heart as Kid mounted back up and she watched another member of her family ride out of her life. She didn't know what was going to happen in Omaha with Buck, Lou, and Kid all together in the same place. She just hoped everything would work out for the best for everyone involved.
Sam took Buck all around the immediate area to look at available land. Finally late in the day Sam led Buck to the land immediately adjacent to his place with Emma. Sam had him looking at places all over the area so Buck would have a good sense about what was around, but Sam saved this piece for last. He had his own eye on this piece of property for some time, but never had enough extra money to buy it. There was a good stand of trees on one end that would a nice area for a house. I was on a slight hill and overlooked the rest of the land. He really hoped Buck would like it.
"Well, what do you think?" Sam asked.
Buck shifted in the saddle and rested his hands on his saddle horn. "This is the best piece of land we've looked at yet," he said.
"I won't lie, I saved it for last hoping you would like it the most," Sam said. "Emma and I both want you close."
"This is a beautiful piece of land, Sam," Buck said, "but I don't know how I'm going to afford it."
"Emma and I have been talking..." Sam started to say.
"Sam if you are thinking of giving me this land, I can't accept it," Buck said cutting him off.
"Not exactly," Sam said. "Emma and I did something the last time you were here."
Buck looked confused. "What?" he asked.
"It's about that bounty money," Sam said, "For the man who killed Ike."
"Sam, I told you I didn't want that money," Buck said adamantly.
"I know and I told Emma that too, but she thought we ought to save it for you in case you changed your mind," Sam explained. "It would be enough to buy this whole spread."
Buck was tempted. He would need the rest of his money to build a barn, a house, and supplies for at least a year while he was starting up his horse breeding business. The other places he'd looked at today needed so much repair on them that he would have had to tear them down anyway. Those places would be so much more work than starting from scratch here.
"Sam I don't want that money, you and Emma can have it," Buck said with a hint of reluctance in his voice.
"Buck, you know Emma will just buy this land with it and give it to you," Sam said smiling.
Buck couldn't help but smile at Sam's statement. Emma Cain was a force of nature that would not and could not be tamed.
"I know, Sam, but I don't want this land to have any bad medicine," Buck said. "I feel bad that I disappointed Teaspoon and I broke a law in the white world."
"But you didn't, Buck," Sam said. "We have the wanted poster to prove it."
"I didn't know that when I killed him, Sam," Buck said.
"Buck, what would have happened in the Kiowa world if a member of your tribe was killed like Ike was," Sam asked.
"The man would be challenged to the death and if he was killed, his possessions would be taken," Buck answered.
"Well, that seems to be what happened here," Sam said. "How can the justice of your people be bad medicine?"
"But this all happened in the white world," Buck tried to rationalize, "And he didn't accept the challenge."
"Well in the white world he most likely wasn't going to get the option to accept a challenge so it worked out too," Sam argued. "Most men would just have shot him in the back. This money belongs to you in both worlds."
"I'm not going to win this argument am I?" Buck asked.
"Not on your life," Sam said smiling. "Besides, if I couldn't convince you then I would've given Emma a crack at you. You would've really been in trouble then."
Buck laughed. "Yes, I would've been in big trouble."
"We still have time to get to the land office today," Sam suggested with a sly smile.
Buck frowned and hesitated.
"You didn't think I'd let you rethink your decision did you?" Sam asked smiling bigger. "Come on, let's get to town."
"Alright," Buck agreed. "I'll never hear the end of it at dinner if I don't."
"That's right," Sam said with a laugh.
Sam and Buck headed back to the farm with Buck as the proud owner of one hundred acres of prime Nebraska farmland. Sam and Buck talked a lot about stables and what he would need starting out. He could build a modest stable with two birthing stalls and four regular ones with a corral just adjacent to it. He could also build a training ring for working with horses. Buck was feeling a little overwhelmed by all the planning, but Sam insisted on helping. They would set pencil to paper after dinner and figure out how much lumber he would need. Buck hoped to talk to Lou too. Their last conversation weighed heavily on his mind.
Lou was quiet during dinner. She listened intently as Sam told Emma about his and Buck's adventures of the day. Maybe Emma was right, she should marry the one she loved and she was pretty sure that was Buck. Buck was making plans and she wanted to be a part of them. She would always have a soft spot for Kid, but right now the only feelings she had for him were feelings of guilt. She didn't mean to break his heart the way she did. He was the one who had suffered the greatest loss out of all of this. Lou knew Kid thought they would be together forever and at the time she really thought so too. Everything was different now and Kid didn't do anything to cause the differences -that was all on her. Every time she looked at or thought of Kid she felt guilty for feeling happy without him. He didn't seem able to move on and she wasn't sure he ever would, but that wasn't her problem anymore, was it?
Lou didn't even notice that she was just rearranging her meal on her plate and not eating it. Emma did and reached a concerned hand over to comfort Lou. Lou smiled at her and looked back down at her supper. She was eating for two now and just because she was sad was no reason to make her baby stressed too. She scooped up a spoonful of stew and took a bite. She needed to clear the air with Kid, that was all there was to it. Then she could move on with her life. It was just hard for her to process her feelings sometimes. Everything just kept swirling around and swirling around. Lou felt tired and dizzy. She just wanted everything to be simple.
She looked over at Buck who looking over at her. He gave her a soft smile of support and Lou actually felt worse. Here he was, just trying to figure out his place in her sea of uncertainty and she almost felt jealous when she should feel happy.
Jimmy woke up and stretched. It was Sunday. He smiled dreamily. Today the peacemaker community was going to help him build his house. He had the foundation firmly in place and the floorboards for the first floor were all nailed in. All it needed now was four walls and a roof. Of course it was a little more complicated than that. He had planned a second floor with a staircase leading up to it. There would be plenty of room in the upstairs and he was going to do his best to fill it with happiness and maybe even a few children. He only wished he didn't have to wait so long to start trying. Jimmy imagined Alice's smile as he dressed for the day. He laid out some work clothes for later, but for now he put on his Sunday clothes and headed for the church.
He met Alice there and he sat next her and let her fragrance drive him wild. He couldn't keep his mind on the speakers and what they were saying when he was seated next to her. He didn't think she could either. She kept stealing looks at him when she thought no one was looking. He hoped the first thing he would get to do in his new house was going to be to kiss his fiancé. It was all he could think about. He jumped a little in his seat as the tip of Alice's foot caressed his ankle. She could hardly hide the smile it caused her. They both straighten their faces when Jacob gave them a stern look. Jimmy couldn't wait until the gathering was over. The hard work in front of him would give him focus. The quicker he got those walls up the quicker things could happen behind them.
The community became of flutter of industry once the church gathering was completed. The men started setting up tools and saw horses around the construction site while the women started working on food. They put out plates of simple sandwiches for everyone to grab as they needed and the children kept the water buckets supplied.
Jimmy couldn't have asked for a better November day to build a house. The weather was seasonal, but it was sunny. They didn't get too hot while working, but they didn't freeze either. The chimney was going up easily and the walls were being framed quickly. The community had been raising a lot of houses in the last six months as more and more families came to settle. They all knew their strengths and fell into their jobs happily. By mid afternoon the men started to raise the walls on the first floor of the house and started to frame the second floor. Jimmy had just finished the stairway and the framing became much easier for the men to start laying the floor boards for the upstairs. He felt the whole structure would be framed and the clapboards placed on the outside of the walls by suppertime. If the walls on the downstairs got covered by the end of the day, Jimmy decided he would sleep in his house tonight.
Jimmy's appraisal of the situation was right on. The downstairs was structurally done with the clapboard on the outer walls and the upstairs was framed. He would be staying in his own house tonight. The chimney was ready too and he could have a small fire to keep himself warm. He laid some blankets on the floor and started a small fire in the fireplace. It was nice and cozy inside. He covered the windows with some wood for the night and would drive a wagon into town tomorrow and pick up the glass for the windows. Everything was coming together and Jimmy couldn't help but smile. He crawled into his makeshift bed and looked to his ceiling. He was tired, but excited. Tomorrow they would finish the exterior of his house and he could start doing the finish work in the inside. Alice would help him to add some decorative touches and then he would need to furnish the house. He rolled around on the floor trying to get comfortable and decided a bed was the first piece of furniture he would need.
As he drifted into sleep he began to think of Alice. She always wore her hair so severely pulled back. He thought of removing her bonnet and unpinning her hair to let it flow free down to her shoulders. Jimmy could feel hands on his body and smiled when he realized he was no longer dreaming. He rolled over to see Alice with her hair down and smiling at him. She had crawled under the covers with him while he slept. He took a moment to appreciate the beauty of her face and the tresses of hair that framed it. If possible she looked more beautiful in person than in his dreams.
"Alice, what are you doing here?" Jimmy whispered. "Not that I mind, I'm just curious."
"This is a housewarming, James," Alice said biting her lower lip as she smiled coyly.
Jimmy caressed her cheek and swept a lock of hair from her face. He looked deep into her eyes.
"Are you sure?" Jimmy asked.
Alice nodded and stroked his hair. It had been a long time since she had touched a man the way she wanted to touch him. Her first husband was long dead but she wasn't. A quiet passion always burned inside of her and she wanted to feel the love she knew burned inside them both. She sought out his lips with hers as they both succumbed to the passion they felt for each other.
Jimmy was still wearing his long johns when he went to bed, but they were now in a pile across the room along with the robe and night gown Alice wore over. Jimmy marveled at how the light from the fireplace flickered and danced across Alice's skin. He wanted to savor every moment of being with her this first time. The soft touch of her skin excited him in ways he couldn't control and he had to fight with himself to let the moments linger so he could savor them. He could feel a bead of sweat slowly roll down the groove down the middle of his back as he held her. He longed to become one with her. Her kisses told him that she longed for the same thing. Jimmy relaxed a little and thanked God for bringing him here. He felt like he had entered heaven at the same time he and Alice joined their bodies.
Buck spent the next week riding around the land that was now his. He wanted to look at it again and figure out where the buildings would go. His immediate goal was to figure out where the barn was going to go for that would need to be built first. He still couldn't believe he was a land owner. Just after Ike died he thought the dream of owning land and raising horses had died with him. He never thought that he and Lou would be embarking on a life together. Well, he still didn't. She was distant and wasn't talking to him. He thought he knew why. Her decision would bring finality to her relationship with Kid and he watched her love Kid for a long time. Buck knew Lou wanted to be ready to really leave her feelings for Kid behind, but he was patient and he would wait for her as long as she needed. He hoped he was doing the right thing making a life and assuming she would be part of it when she was ready. He really couldn't see it going any other way.
Buck and Sam had their heads together for the first part of the week planning how much lumber Buck would need to build his horse barn. First, they would need to figure out the design and draw up some plans, and then they would know how much wood to order. The plans were simple, but efficient and they were able to put in the order with the lumber mill by the middle of the week. They wanted to get the lumber as soon as possible so they could get started on building the foundation. Sam took some time off of work –leaving his deputies in charge to help Buck sink some poles into the ground to form the foundation of the building. There was still so much to do before the first snow fell and the two of them didn't have enough time to get it done on their own.
Emma and Sam took on the responsibility of organizing their friends and neighbors to come out and help with a good old barn raising. Many of their neighbors and friends from church were reluctant at first to help, given Buck's heritage, but Emma used her special way with people to get them all to agree to help with the project that coming Sunday.
Lou for the most part stayed out of the way. Emma could see how it took its toll on Buck that Lou wouldn't talk to him. She was worried about both her riders. All she could do was support them both and hope that they could work out whatever was coming between them.
When Sunday finally arrived, the conversation around the breakfast table was quiet. Buck kept looking at Lou hoping to catch her eyes, but Lou didn't look at him. She looked either down at her plate or at the floor. Buck didn't know what was going on with Lou. He wanted to find out and resolved that before he left for his land he would try to talk to her again. He found her in Emma's parlor sitting on the settee.
"Please come and see the place, Lou," Buck said sweetly as he sat next to her. "You haven't seen it yet and I think you'd like it."
"I…I just don't feel well today and I don't think I want to be around so many people," Lou answered.
"Would you like me to make you some tea?" Buck asked concerned.
"No, I can manage," Lou said forcing a smile. "Go on now. Go, build your barn."
"Lou," Buck said uncomfortably, "Are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm fine, Buck," Lou said, "I just want some time to myself, understand?" The last bit came out a bit angrily and Lou immediately regretted her tone.
"I'm sorry, Lou," Buck said his excitement waning. He really wanted Lou to be a part of his life and that meant being a part of making the land into a homestead. "I hope you feel better."
"Buck…" Lou said as he turned to leave. "I'm sorry. Everything is happening so fast and I feel terrible."
Buck turned and pulled her into a hug. "It's ok, Lou, I don't ever want to make you feel bad or cornered."
"Thanks, Buck," Lou said as she was freed from the hug.
Buck leaned in to kiss her and Lou instinctively turned her head so his kiss would land on her cheek.
"Lou, I wish you would talk to me," Buck said gently. "Please don't shut me out."
"I'm not trying to shut you out, I'm just tired and I don't feel well," Lou said trying not to sound angry.
"Okay, I'll let you rest," he said trying not to sound defeated.
Buck reluctantly left to build his barn and the flurry of activity around the construction site helped take his mind off of Lou for periods of time. The goal was to get the barn up and the loft built. If they could manage it they would get the roof on. Buck and Sam to a lesser extent were going to spend the next week constructing the stalls and the tack room.
Emma and the ladies of the church set out food and drink for the men and Emma even organized a quilting bee at the same time. Buck would need some quilts and blankets to get through the winter and Emma was going to make sure he was comfortable. When she wasn't thinking of Buck, Emma was thinking of Lou. She was still up at the house and Emma didn't like the way things were left between her and Buck. Emma watched as Buck would look over to the house where Lou was with increasing frequency.
Finally around lunch time, Emma suggested to Buck that he go check on Lou and make sure she was alright. Buck smiled and didn't need Emma to suggest it to him twice. He gave his horse a running start and mounted it on the run. Emma smiled. It had been a long time since she saw any of her boys ride out like that.
Buck stopped at the edge of Emma's yard and instantly felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Katy was tethered to the hitching post near the house. Buck carefully dismounted and crept up to the porch. He didn't make a sound. He hadn't decided if he was going to knock on the door or go back to his place. He didn't want to announce his presence until he decided. Lou's voice suddenly broke the silence and he couldn't help but overhear the conversation inside.
"Kid, you were the first person I ever fell in love with," she said.
Buck felt his heart break a little as he moved to the window and saw Kid take Lou in his arms and kiss her. Buck didn't stay around any longer than that. He couldn't. It hurt too much. He got back on his horse and galloped back to his place. Feeling like he no longer had a future with Lou, Buck was determined to make sure his barn was built well. It was the only thing he had left in this world and the only thing he knew was his.
Thanks to Kristina for reading this over and giving me some much needed feedback :D