Chapter 21: Memories and Nightmares
The ship was thrown into an excited turmoil as a report of an avatar sighting was heard. Two weeks without any action at all had left most of the crew antsy and bored, especially the prince, and they were more than willing to get prepared to leave. Tamara and General Iroh watched from the sidelines as soldiers went back and forth across the deck, some carrying the prince's armor, while others pulled on the harnesses of the agitated komodo rhinos. The animals were just as agitated for being kept corralled for so long and it took two men per beast to get them under control as they lowed and thrashed about in the warmth of the sun.
"Hurry up. I don't want to lose them. Get those rhinos under control and down the ramp!" Zuko's voice roared out above those of the rhinos. He was anxious to get going and every time he was in a hurry no one else seemed to go fast enough. The prince walked to his uncle's side and held a map out in front of him for the old man to see. "This is where the helmsman said he saw the avatar's bison land; it's about five miles or more inland and it's going to take us forever to get there if they don't pick up the pace!"
"Calm down, nephew. They're almost ready, see? It shouldn't take long now." With an angry growl the prince forced the map into his uncle's hands and went back to yelling at the crew and General Iroh sighed and shook his head in defeat. Just as the old general predicted, the soldiers were ready to go within a few moments and Zuko huffed as he finally jumped onto the rhino that was being held steady for him. Yanking the reins harshly he soon had control over the beast and pulled up alongside his uncle once again.
"Aren't you coming, Uncle?" He asked impatiently.
"Not this time, Prince Zuko; I thought I would stay here and keep Tamara company. Besides, you are clearly in a hurry to get going and a man of my age would only slow you down." Zuko could not argue with his uncle's logic and it did not really matter if the old man came or not, he only stayed out of the way and let everyone else do the work. Turning from his uncle Zuko looked down to Tamara and nodded as she said good bye to him before kicking his heels into the rhino's side and racing down the ramp to join his awaiting soldiers. The prince had never asked Tamara to go along on these expeditions; he had always thought that there was no reason for her to get involved and she had never shown any signs that she was disappointed in his excluding her. Both healer and general watched in silence as the party made their way around a large sand dune and disappeared.
"Hm, what should we do now, Tamara? Most of the men are gone and I don't think there is a village with a decent shopping center anywhere near here." Tamara smiled and shook her head; she could not think of anyone she had ever met that liked to shop as much as General Iroh.
"Where are we now, Sire? Maybe there's a place we can stop when Zuko gets back." She suggested as she watched the old man scan through the tattered map. Perhaps we could buy the ship a new map as well, she thought. It was obvious that that map had been used a lot in its two year voyage. General Iroh muttered to himself as his old eyes skimmed the faded parchment; some names were more legible than others, but, of course, the ones that he needed were faded and hard to see.
"My nephew pointed out this beach to me," he said as his eyes followed the dotted path that marked the ship's expedition since they were all sent from the Fire Nation, "and the nearest village seems to be Aschima, half a day's sail from here." Tamara started at the name of the village; why did that name sound so familiar? The healer peered over the general's shoulder to see the village for herself. Aschima, a peninsula connected to a larger land mass of the Earth Kingdom, stood out more than anything else on the map, even though the words were faded and hardly legible. Suddenly it hit her, almost as hard as a physical hit, and she reeled as memories of burning houses, screaming women and children, and the bloody, burnt bodies of several Earth Kingdom men flashed before her eyes.
"Tamara!" The old general grabbed her as the healer lost her balance and held her up until she could stand on her own again. "What's wrong? What happened?" The ship was hardly making any movement at all and there was no other reason for her to have stumbled as much as she did.
"It's… it's nothing." She said, her voice shaking. "I'm sorry; I need to go sit down." Tamara shook her head and walked unsteadily across the deck and through the door to the tower.
"Of course." He said quietly as he watched her leave. He was worried about her, but he did not want to force her to tell him what was wrong. Perhaps she was getting sick, being a healer meant that you were prone to all kinds of illnesses and Tamara had yet be to sick on this ship. Still, General Iroh felt it was a cause for concern and decided that he or Prince Zuko would have to check on her soon. Now without the company of his nephew or the young healer the old general sighed and decided to see who else had been left behind on the ship.
Hours later the disgruntled crew and their angry prince arrived back on the ship, once again empty handed and highly annoyed at being beaten by mere children. General Iroh sighed with relief; he had been on his way to check on Tamara, whom he had not seen all day, when his nephew arrived. Now that he was here, the general felt that his nephew should be the one to talk to her. Prince Zuko had his back to the old general when he walked up and it was obvious that the younger man was not in a good mood. His swears and berates at the crew reached General Iroh's ears far before he reached his nephew's side and the old man could do nothing but cringe in distaste; it was obvious that the search had not gone well and that his nephew had been spending far too much time with the older men of the ship.
"Prince Zuko, I need to talk to you."
"What do you want, Uncle?" The prince spun around in his fury to face his uncle. General Iroh looked at his nephew's face in surprise; four streaks of dried blood crossed his right temple and reached an inch in length across his face.
"What happened, Prince Zuko?"
"That damn flying rat attacked me. I had the avatar in my grasp when it came out of nowhere." He snarled slightly as he placed a hand over the scratches; it did not hurt but it just the feeling of it made his anger flare up again. "If I get any diseases from that-"
"I don't think that they would keep a diseased animal in their group, Nephew. Listen to me; something is wrong with Tamara and I think you should go down and talk to her." Almost immediately the anger left the prince's eyes and was replaced by concern.
"What happened? What did you say to her?"
"I'm not sure; we were looking at the map and talking about the nearest shopping village when she said she needed to sit down. I was on my way to check on her when you arrived and I think that she will open up more if you go down and talk to her." With a distracted huff the prince sent his soldiers scattering in every direction as he ordered them back to their posts and chores before going down to find Tamara, leaving his uncle, once again, alone to ponder the young girl's behavior. It was hours later as the old man stood by the railing with the sun at his back that he saw the village of Aschima, once a lively shopping village, now nothing more than a crumbled ghost town. Walls of houses had crumbled into themselves, roofs had caved in and every building that was not a pile of rubble wore a thick coat of soot and ash. The old general could tell that a battle had waged here not long ago, judging the fact that weather and other elements had not entirely erased away the evidence. There was no living soul in sight and the survivors, if there were any, had left their homes long ago, adding their numbers to the growing mass of refugees suffering from the war.
Behind the village a hill sat in silence; its body barren of any trees and life it once held. A breeze blew up and kicked loose sand and ash about since nothing was there to hold it down and an eerie silence seemed to fall over the ship as it passed the abandoned shore. General Iroh stared off towards the ruins long after the lonely hill and shore had vanished from his sight, pulling at his beard as he thought of the coincidence between Tamara's behavior and the unfortunate demise of the village.
Down below Zuko found Tamara in her infirmary aimlessly rearranging her supplies to new locations and then subconsciously moving them back to their original places, her mind in another time and place. So many hurtful memories were flooding back and racing through her mind, memories that had been safely locked away in the back of her mind ever since she had arrived on Zuko's ship. And now that they were coming back, they were overwhelming the poor girl to the point of making her sick, to the point that that was all she saw or heard.
The village of Aschima had, at one time, been controlled by the Fire Nation, but when a rebellious group of earth benders had attacked and killed several of the soldiers an urgent message was sent out for reinforcements. Zhao's fleet was the first to respond and was Tamara's introduction to the war just three weeks after being recruited to his command. Once they had arrived the healer was forced to watch in horror as the rebels were killed as punishment and set as an example for the rest of the village and then the village itself was set on fire. The village no longer carried the numerous resources that the progressing army needed and so it would have been a waste of time and effort to keep the village under control, but that did not mean that the crimes of the villagers could go ignored. The surviving villagers were allowed to escape; the fleet had been on the way to the battlegrounds and could not be bothered with chasing down the refugees and so the army left the village to burn to the ground. Tamara had merely been a spectator to the event, but the fact that she saw first hand what her nation was doing to the rest of the world was far more of a shock than anything she had ever witnessed in her life and the fact that she could not help or put a stop to it made her feel just as guilty as if she had participated.
Zuko watched for a few more moments of the mindless wandering before clearing his throat to betray his presence and waited for Tamara to acknowledge him. Her eyes seemed distant and blank as she looked up at him, indicating that she was troubled with other things and thinking of nothing else. She did not even notice the small injuries he had obtained from his recent encounter, something he knew she would normally fuss over once she saw it.
"Tamara are you alright? Uncle Iroh said that you weren't feeling well. He's worried about you." The healer merely glanced up at him and then looked away again as if afraid that the prince might be able to peer through her eyes and read her thoughts.
"I'm fine; I just remembered some work that I had to do." Zuko frowned as he caught her lie; he had been around her enough to know when she was hiding something and when she wasn't.
"You know, if something's bothering you I wish you would just tell me what it is rather than try to pass it off as nothing." He had not meant to sound as stern as he did, but the frustration of not catching the avatar and Tamara's evasive behavior was building up inside him and making him. With that said he left the infirmary to allow Tamara time to think about what he had said and, hopefully, decide to tell him what was going on. Tamara watched the prince as he walked out of the infirmary, his words still buzzing in her head along with the sounds of her memories. She knew that it was wrong to lie to the prince and his uncle, but the guilt and memories of her past were hers alone to deal with and she was not sure how to go about telling her experiences anyways. The healer stood alone in the infirmary with her thoughts, unwilling and unsure of what to do, feeling hurt and guilty for what she had done to the prince.
Dinner that night was difficult to get through; Tamara was not in any mood to eat and the prince's mood was no better than it had been earlier that day. General Iroh sat silently beside his nephew; his thoughts troubled by both Tamara and the ruins of Aschima and, once again, tried to make sense of everything that happened. The rest of the night was uneventful and everyone went about their last minute chores before going to bed. Those who did not have the night shift shuffled tiredly to their rooms and soon everything was quiet on the open seas as the ship sailed on in the night. There was only one room in particular that did not resemble the rest of the ship in quiet solace. Within the safety of her room Tamara tossed and turned in her sleep, her arms and legs twitching as she left the real world for the dream world.
-Dream Sequence-
Tamara looked around her in confusion. She was no longer on Zuko's ship, but on land, and once again in her soldier's armor. A half moon sat and gazed above them, partially hiding its face behind a neighboring cloud, not wanting to see the bloodshed that was about to take place. Looking ahead of her was a village, only a few miles away from where she was. Tamara heard voices behind her and she spun around to see Zhao barking out orders and grim faced or masked soldiers were filing up and heading out.
"Move out!" He yelled and she was forced into line and marched off along with the rest of the soldiers. As they arrived closer to the village, Tamara saw a line of movement in front of her and her mouth went dry with fear. This was my first battle. She thought as recognition hit her. She was back in the war, the first battle she had ever fought in!
"No, I can't do this again." She said to herself, trying to force her feet from taking another step, but they ignored her mental commands and marched on, stamping along with the rest of the soldiers.
"Ready… FIRE!!" Zhao yelled behind the lines and a barrage of fire balls flew over her head and illuminated the Earth Kingdom soldiers in front of her as fire rained down among them. Men scattered as the rocks of flame crashed to the ground and the air filled with cries of agony and pain.
"Fire!" The new commander ordered again and the next volley flew into the air. This time the earth benders among the soldiers were ready and able to lift a huge shield of rock and earth to protect their side. Once the barrages ceased, roars filled the air and the enemy launched their attack, charging towards the Fire Nation. An echo answered from the fire soldiers and the charge began, Tamara still forced to follow them. Both nation waves crashed together and fire and earth fell on both sides. Tamara found herself face to face with an earth bending soldier and the two came together, the healer sending a blast of fire at the man only to keep him at bay and he sending a huge boulder straight for her, his intentions deadly. As Tamara dodged another flying boulder, the earth beneath her feet shifted and, for just a moment, she felt as if she was walking on air. But the feeling was short-lived when gravity pulled her down to her waist into the new soft sand. Forgetting the earth bender in front of her, Tamara frantically tried to claw her way out, knowing that everyone else from the Fire Nation was too enthralled in the battle to help her out, when she saw something running towards her.
Two Earth Kingdom soldiers, eager to prove themselves in their first battle, were charging straight for her. Giant earth spikes formed in front of them as they raised their hands, fingers spread out, and soon launched their weapons at their helpless enemy. In a desperate attempt, Tamara threw a wall of fire in front of her, somehow hoping that her element could help her against the attack. The ground shook and cried in protest as the spikes punctured great holes into their place of origin, each one missing the trapped healer in the soldiers' eagerness. Tamara watched as the soldiers closed in and both jumped in the air, their feet coming together as they came back down, the attack intentionally made to start up a wave of spikes that would rush towards the fire bender and pierce her entire body.
The grounded weapons had only just started erupting from the surface when something came over Tamara, taking control of her body. Just as the spikes were closing in, flames erupted from the girl and a yell erupted from her throat. Tamara now found herself watching her soldier form from the middle of the battle. She watched in horror as her mirror-self jumped from the sand pit and lunged at the two young benders, their screams ringing through the air as their bodies burst into flames. Her hungry element took little time in charring the two benders and eating its fill before slowly shrinking and calming down. Snarling, the fire bender then launched herself at her first attacker, who was too dumbfounded to do anything but stare at the burnt remains of his young comrades.
"No, stop! You can't do this!" Tamara yelled to herself. A roar sounded behind her and she found another soldier heading straight for her. Tamara braced herself for the impact of the collision; only to find that the soldier ran straight passed her as if she were invisible. Shaking, she turned back to her dream self in time to see the soldier fall.
"Stop! Snap out of it. You can't do this!" Tamara yelled, running after her, her pleas seeming to fall on deaf ears. They were nearing the village and the Earth Kingdom lines were thinning, leaving the innocent inhabitants unprotected and vulnerable. The air was now filled with smoke and dust, the sight and smell of blood, burning flesh, and death rolled over Tamara's senses as she watched herself kill another soldier and head closer to the village, following the line of death and destruction that her nation had already created.
She ran right for her dream self and as they neared the village, the scene changed again and her soldier-self faded and disappeared into thin air, still charging off into the distance. It was now day time but Tamara found herself in the same predicament. Again she was forced into a march towards another line of defense from the opposing side and again she saw herself turn into an evil monster that thirsted for blood. The scene around her continued changing and showed every battle that she had ever fought in. The last scene came around and the soldier-Tamara ran after a small group of runaway villagers and the healer gave chase after them.
"Stop!" She ordered as she caught up to her. She reached a hand out to try to grab the other's shoulder, and succeeded. The dream Tamara turned around and smiled evilly at herself, her eyes were the deadly gold color and blood streaked across her face and hands. For an instant, both healer and killer stared at each other, eyes of gold and eyes of red-amber locked together, as if they would stay that way forever. Suddenly, movement caught her attention and Tamara looked on in horror as the other raised her hand to her.
-End Dream-
Lieutenant Ji was on night patrol and he walked quietly down the hall of the slumbering ship when Tamara's voice caught his attention. From behind the closed door, he could hear her pleas for someone to stop and became concerned; he knew something was wrong but he had to consider whether or not it was smart to walk in on Prince Zuko's girlfriend to check on her. Not knowing what else to do and deciding that there was only one smart and safe way to handle the situation, the lieutenant walked up to the general's door and knocked urgently. After a few moments the door cracked open slowly and General Iroh's tired face came into view.
"Lieutenant," he yawned widely, "is something wrong?"
"I'm sorry to have to bother you at this hour, Sir, but it's the healer. Something isn't
right-" He did not have time to finish before the old general became fully alert and hurried to Tamara's door, the same pleas reaching his ears. Her terrified cries urged him to continue on and he quickly opened the door and walked in. The candles and torches awoke as General Iroh snapped his fingers and the small flames revealed a sleeping, but frantic, Tamara. She was breathing hard and she continued to toss and turn as her dream took over her.
"Stop!" She yelled out desperately, her hand held out in front of her. Almost immediately the girl froze, her whole body rigid and still. Knowing only that the healer was having a horrible dream, the old man grabbed her lightly by the shoulders and tried to wake her.
"Tamara! Tamara, wake up!"
-Dream Sequence-
Tamara looked on in horror as the other raised her hand and a flame appeared before her and began to grow, roaring in eagerness as it gained volume. Her mind was telling her to run, but her body remained frozen in place, either by fear or something else, and all she could do was stare into the growing flame.
"Tamara, Tamara…." The healer heard someone call her name and she looked over the shoulder of herself and saw the face of Zhao lit up by the flame, a toothy grin flashing in the fire light, as he repeated her name with a hideous, mocking laugh. The flame caught her attention once again as it was launched at her, the fire too close for her to dodge it, and cried out as the flames engulfed her.
-End Dream-
Tamara shot up in bed, her arms crossed in front of her face to block the oncoming attack, her cry following her back as she woke up. Her senses were still lost in the nightmare, however, and she could still smell and hear everything of the war around her and when she looked up, she saw the same face of Zhao mocking her, her dream self had vanished. She yelped and tried to get away from him but his grip held firm upon her shoulders.
"Tamara, wake up. Everything's alright. Wake up!" General Iroh yelled. Even though her eyes were open and she was sitting up, he knew that the healer was still asleep; her eyes distant and unfocused. He tightened his hold on her shoulders but she flinched in his grasp and tried to pull away. "Tamara!" He grabbed for her wrists instead as she tried to pull away, trying at the same time to talk her out of her dream and back to reality.
"No! Get away from me!" She cried out frantically and wrenched her wrists from the admiral's hands in her dream and felt herself falling. General Iroh could not act fast enough in time to catch her and could only watch helplessly as the momentum pulled her from his grasp and over the edge of her bed. Tamara fell to the floor in a heap and was awake in an instant as the impact shocked her out of her nightmare.
"What is going on?" Lieutenant Ji was shoved roughly out of the way to make room as the prince rushed in; his eyes glowing dangerously from being woken up so late at night. His first assumption had been that the ship was under attack and his arms were up and ready for a fight. When he saw the healer on the floor his arms relaxed but his eyes continued to glare around him, looking accusingly from his uncle to the baffled lieutenant beside him. "What did you do to her?" Below him Tamara had sat up from her unceremonious position and had scooted herself back against the wall, her body shaking uncontrollably and drenched with sweat and her heart skyrocketing in her chest, throbbing painfully against her ribs. She had been frantic when she had first woken up, knowing only slightly what had happened, but now all she wanted was to find a dark hole and vanish within it; wanting mainly to forget her nightmare as well as the scene before her. General Iroh and Lieutenant Ji were busy trying to explain their cases to the prince while he stared accusingly at both of them. Before she knew it the old general was kneeling beside her and encouraging her to get up, grasping her arm lightly but firmly as her shaking legs tried to support her.
"Calm down for a minute, Prince Zuko." He said as he set the healer down on her bed, his old eyes watching her carefully as she continued to shiver from fear. "Lieutenant, can you get me a rag and some cold water, please?" As the older man bowed and left to fetch the requested items, General Iroh placed a careful hand upon the healer's shoulder. "Easy, Tamara. Everything's alright; it was just a dream. I'll be right back." Healer and prince were left alone in awkward silence; Zuko still trying to understand all that had happened and worried for the girl in front of him and Tamara still trying to get a hold of herself and wishing that the prince would stop staring at her. She rested her forehead in her palm as she continued to calm down her speeding heart and was so caught up in her thoughts that she jumped when her bed sagged slightly and a hand rested on her shoulder. The prince saw her eyes for a split second as they darted from his direction back to the wall and in that split second he could see that her pupils were shrunk with fear, smaller than they should have been with such poor lighting in the room. Whatever she had been dreaming about had her truly upset and he did not know how to comfort her other than just remain by her side.
Soon General Iroh was back with a pot of steaming tea and three cups in his hand and Lieutenant Ji arrived soon after, placing a basin of cold water and a rag next to the healer.
"If there is nothing else you want me to do, sir, I'll leave you three alone." He said, standing at the doorway.
"You may go. Thank you, Lieutenant." The soldier bowed and left, leaving the general and the prince to help the healer.
"Here, Tamara." The kind general said quietly, wringing out the rag, now cool and moist, before passing it to the healer. Tamara took it silently and smothered her face in the cool cloth, her feverish skin welcoming the colder temperature. General Iroh pulled two chairs up to the healer's bed and both he and the prince took a seat; they were obviously not in any hurry to leave. Once she was done the old general replaced the rag with a cup of chamomile tea, saying that it would help calm her down. "What was it about?" He asked as he handed his nephew a cup and then poured himself a cup as well.
"I don't want to talk about it." Tamara murmured, keeping her eyes averted from the men beside her and focused on the steaming liquid in her hands. She was embarrassed and angry and was in no mood to talk about a silly dream, even though there was nothing silly about it.
"Come on, young healer, out with it. You above most others know that it is better to talk than keep it bottled up."
"It was just a bad dream, Sire." She said, turning to face the old general for the first time that night. "It's nothing that you should lose sleep over."
"I see." General Iroh said as he stroked his small beard in thought. "Would this dream, by any chance, have anything to do with the way you have been acting all day?" Tamara's head snapped up at that and the old general knew that he had guessed right.
"You said it yourself, Tamara; sometimes it's better to talk things through." Zuko said, trying to encourage her. If something was bothering her that much he wanted to know what it was so they could do something about it. Tamara looked from prince to general and back again; it was obvious that, no matter how long she tried to convince them that the dream was nothing; both were going to sit there until she talked.
"This isn't the first time I've had this dream." She said after a long pause. "I've had it several times before- each time it gets more vivid and more detailed, but this time was the worst it has ever been." Tamara then began, with quivering voice, to account everything that had happened in the terrifying dream, General Iroh and Zuko listening to her closely. The young prince had no idea what to do in these cases and so he let his uncle take control of the situation; the old man seemed to always know what to say in times like these. Zuko only sat there and listened, resting his arm around the girl's shoulders, trying to comfort her as best as he could without words.
As she finished her story, General Iroh nodded his understanding; he knew what it was like to have dreams about the war, he had had them himself countless times and still had them, but these were the worst dreams he had ever heard of. Tamara was finally calming down after the fearful event and sighed angrily. She was troubled with the war all the time, she did not need these dreams reminding her of the battles and the horrible deeds she had unwillingly performed or witnessed.
"But that's just it- they're only dreams." Zuko said, trying to help, but Tamara only shook her head at his remark.
"No, these are more than just dreams- these are memories, recollections- there is truth behind them." These dreams, though true, still were a bit exaggerated, as is usually the case with dreams. That is what Tamara hoped anyway. In some of the battles she had to truly fight in, Tamara could easily remember everything that happened in the beginning of a battle and then suddenly find herself at the closure, with no recollections of what happened in between- as if the fight had begun and ended within seconds of each other and yet everywhere she looked there was carnage and destruction. It was during these battles that her life would come into so much danger that the "second wind" would take over her, and that was what scared her the most. It was during these times that she was afraid that parts of her dreams, the exaggerated parts, had truth in them as well. Even parts of the fight with the thieves and with Zhao were blurred. When she said this, General Iroh shook his head.
"My dear, you've been keeping this bottled up all this time? No wonder you are having these dreams and being so affected… bottling them up is not the answer. What happened in the past, even if it is so recent, is in the past and all you can do is learn from it. You will not have to go back to the war, not while you are here with us." At this he wrapped his old hands around hers, sympathetic, but assuring eyes locking with hers. "It may not seem like it now, but these events will help you in the future- you will learn from them and become wiser."
"That doesn't help me." She said, her voice growing louder as her confusion and anger grew. This had been the first time she had ever spoken up against the general, but the old man let it go; she was upset, confused and needed guidance and a chance to speak her mind. "I was taught to fight because I could fire bend. It was not an option; it was an order… and the same goes for the war as well." She added with contempt. Unlike the other nations, the Fire Nation forced all of their benders to go through training in order to master the element. Those who could not master fire bending were exiled because they could not control themselves or their element. The old general had heard of stories where benders had been exiled to remote parts of the Fire Nation, only to have their bodies found later, burned from the inside out. Tamara may hate the fact that she was forced to learn the art of fire bending, but General Iroh was glad that she had. "I am a healer, not a fighter. I don't mind being able to defend myself and dueling for fun, but I wasn't meant to go into battle. My father was a soldier, but I'm not. It's scary because I can't remember half the stuff I've done. I don't know if I've killed anybody… or how many and the fact that I could not help any of them makes it even worse. Even at Aschima, I was right there and yet I was so scared that I couldn't move. I let it happen."
"Now hold on one minute, if you're blaming yourself for whatever happened in that village you need to stop right there. There was nothing you could have done, especially on your own. You would have been killed or imprisoned if you had interfered and we would not be able to enjoy your company today. The mere fact that you know that what happened was wrong is something to be proud of; you will not make those same mistakes. And as for everything else, I think there might be a way to explain that.
"That day in the forest, you told us that your mother was a healer and you felt that your healing talents came from her, right?" Tamara nodded, a little confused that he would bring this up now of all times. "And then you told us that your father was a great soldier in the war. Perhaps… you have taken after him as well." Tamara looked at him in confusion and doubt. "Think about it; you have been in danger every time that that power has taken over you. Without it you would not have survived the war, you would not have survived Zhao. Perhaps, since your parents were unable to take care of you they did the next best thing; they gave you skills that would help you. From your mother: a gift of the healing arts and from your father: the gift to fight. Because they could not be there for you physically, they came back spiritually- giving you the skills to survive without them. These are great gifts and were meant for you to use them- both of them." He emphasized carefully, wanting Tamara to pay attention to that detail. "The healing arts give you the compassion and tranquility you need to help others and the ability to call on added strength gives you the ability to survive. The two gifts balance each other out; you need to be able to use both for their true intentions.
"As for your eyes changing color, never in all my years have I ever heard anything like that happening, at least that drastically. I don't have a clear answer for that one; it's probably just another side effect of the warrior's spirit taking over you." He suggested, even the great Dragon of the West could not have all of the answers. Tamara was not surprised to learn that they had noticed her eye color changing; she had seen it the first time that the "second wind" had ever taken over her in the small mirror that had been in her quarters in Zhao's tower. It had lasted long enough for the battle to be over, the long march back to base and for her to make it safely back to her room, as if her body was unaccustomed to the change and did not know how to get rid of it. After that she noticed that it took shorter periods of time to change back to her normal eye color, to the point where she never saw it again, but she knew that it still happened. The changing eye color was strange, but that was the least of her problems. Tamara looked up at the old general for a moment before looking away again.
"But I was not meant to kill anyone. I am a healer, not a murderer. I don't want something that will help me become a monster like Zhao." General Iroh thought for a moment before answering; he was trying to help the healer and wanted her to understand that what had been given to her was a blessing, not a curse.
"With the healing arts you are able to help others, as well as yourself, but you were given the ability to fight in order to protect yourself. You are not a murderer, Tamara, you were merely defending yourself when the danger was too great; in a war or a fight the healing arts won't help you. You need to rely on something else and the warrior's spirit, your father's spirit, gives you that chance."
"But what about my memories? I can hardly remember anything from them and I can't tell what is real and what is false in my dreams."
"Perhaps that is a defense mechanism; your mind is trying to shut out what it does not want you to remember. You are indeed a healer and maybe your mind is trying to keep you from remembering what you have done, to save you. The mind is an amazing thing, it is there to help the body survive and I have no doubt that that is exactly what it is trying to do. " Zuko cocked an eyebrow at the bizarre conversation; if it had been anyone else making these statements he probably would have walked away a long time ago and called them insane. He thought that his uncle was the only one to associate with spirits, but now Tamara was getting powers from them? He was almost jealous over the fighting powers that Tamara had, to be able to call on extra strength when the need arose. He would have been able to defeat Zhao a long time ago; perhaps he would have been considered a great fighter instead of the weakling that his father saw. But then again… he had never killed anyone before, he had never even been close, so perhaps those powers were not as good as he thought. Maybe he was weak, not ever being able to kill anyone, but he never saw the need for it. Over powering his enemies was good enough for him, as long as he got what he wanted.
The fire benders were silent as they thought of all the others had said. It would have been a strange conversation to walk in the middle of, but between the three there was a certain understanding among the confusion. Tamara had long since calmed down and she sat still and silent as General Iroh's words sunk in. This is what she had needed all along; she needed the old man's wisdom and the prince's comfort, something that was never there when she was under Zhao's command. She had tried once or twice to talk to the men and women of the admiral's ship, but they were either soldiers who enjoyed what they did or were veterans who were more worried about their rank and history than a greenback soldier. So the healer-turned-soldier was forced to handle her problems and memories alone and the rejection of the other soldiers prevented her from the talking that she so desperately needed. She felt better after being able to talk, but that did not mean that she felt completely guilt-free and happy with herself; there was still two years of war that she needed to deal with, two years that she could not change, take back, or even completely remember. No matter how many times the old general said that she would learn from the past and that things would be alright, it was not as easy as he made it seem.
Taking a deep breath Tamara placed her empty cup on her bed stand and looked at the prince and the general.
"I am sorry for keeping you two up over a dream." She said.
"It's no trouble, Tamara. Are you sure you will be alright?" The general asked, wanting to make sure that they were not leaving any loose ends that the healer might want to tie up.
"Yes, I won't get any more sleep tonight, but there's no reason for you two to lose any more sleep. I think I'll go out and get some fresh air and try to clear my head." General Iroh and Zuko nodded and stood up to leave. Zuko was not sure if he wanted to leave Tamara's side or not, but decided that tonight had been a long enough night for all of them and Tamara would probably want this time alone.
"Tamara, if there is ever anything else you want to talk about I want you to know that you can always come to Prince Zuko or me. You can always trust us." Tamara looked up with a small smile of thanks and before the old general knew it she had thrown her arms around his wide girth. General Iroh was surprised for a moment but quickly wrapped his arms around her in a strong, comforting embrace.
"I know General Iroh, and thank you." She said, her voice muffled by his shirt. The general and the healer stood together for a moment longer before Tamara let go, somewhat embarrassed and unsure that she should have been so brave. The gentle, old man smiled kindly down at the healer before taking his leave behind the prince.
After closing the door behind him General Iroh sighed and settled back down on his bed. It had been a very interesting, very long night and his old body was tired and ready to go back to sleep. A loud yawn burst from his lips as he stretched and thought of all that had happened. He felt sorry for the healer for having to go through all of that, especially by herself; he had been right after all that the war would have affected her so greatly, but at the same time he was happy or, at least, relieved. Tamara had realized that nothing good would ever come of the war and that it was wrong. She was one of the few who realized it when they were young, if at all; General Iroh had not been so lucky. For the good part of his younger life the general had fought in the war, never feeling guilt or remorse for what he had done. It had taken until the death of his own son for him to realize what he had done- to realize how many families he had destroyed in the very same way. That had been the last straw for him, and he had learned and suffered at an older age, with more war years behind him to deal with than the healer.
The old general was also relieved that Tamara had finally come clean with part of her past; she needed to know that she could trust them both and that they would always be there for her. Just like he had said; it was more detrimental to keep things bottled up than to come out with the truth and the old general hoped that she would keep that in mind from now on. He felt that there were still things that the healer was keeping from them, but everyone was entitled to their secrets and Tamara was no different. If she truly needed to talk about other aspects of her life than he was sure that she would come to him or his nephew and they would always be there to listen to her. The old man's eyelids began to droop heavily as he relaxed more into the comfort of his mattress; with everything that had happened tonight General Iroh prayed silently to Agni that things would soon go back to normal. With that done the old man slipped quietly into slumber, his tired body relieved from the stress of worrying about the young healer.
Dawn crept into Zuko's room through the small porthole window, its brightening light resting peacefully on the form of the prince. Normally, the sun's light would have woken up the sleeping prince and he would grumble, turn over, and go back to sleep, but this morning Zuko was awake before the sun. He had not slept well after Tamara had told them to go back to bed. His thoughts kept going back to the healer; he was worried about Tamara and felt guilty about not staying up with her. Not knowing what else to do Zuko rolled out of bed and went to check on her. He walked quietly down the hall to her room, only to find the door open, just as they had left it the night before. Peering inside he found the room empty, with the bed unmade and the sheets still unraveled and thrown about. He walked along to the galley and, once not finding her there, remembered what she had said last night about getting some fresh air.
Worried that she had stayed out all night, Zuko grabbed the nearest blanket he could find and hurried outside. The nights and mornings were growing colder by the week thanks to the changing season and the ship's continuous northern direction and soon it would no longer be safe for the fire benders to remain outside without extra cover. Walking along the deck Zuko looked in every place that he could think that the healer would be, but could still not find her. When he had made his way around the deck and had passed by the helmsman's tower, the prince looked up after something had caught his eye and saw a foot dangling through the railing of the catwalk. After racing up the ladder and around the small navigation room, Zuko let out a relieved sigh as he saw Tamara before him. Her back was toward him as her body rested upon one of the steel bars of the railing; a hand acting as a barrier between her cheek and the cold metal, her body hunched together against the cool morning air. As he drew closer to her the prince could feel the warmth emanating from her body and he knew that she had been keeping herself warm all night and was losing energy in the process. Hurrying to her side Zuko threw the blanket over her shoulders before sitting down, worry clearly etched across his face.
"You were out here all night?" He asked, sitting closer to her to keep her warm and sharing his warmth so that she did not have to. At this Tamara seemed to come out of her slight trance and began to shiver; her thoughts had kept her so occupied that she did not entirely realize what she had been doing to herself.
"Yes, I still had a lot on my mind." And for the first time that night or morning Zuko saw true exhaustion wash over the healer; everything that had happened, from the nightmare to keeping herself warm all night, had spent most of her energy and it was only a matter of time before she collapsed. The new morning sunlight glinted off of the bubbling, churning trail of the ship as it continued on its way and Tamara continued to stare at it, as if it was the most interesting occurrence in the world. "I understand what you're uncle was trying to explain last night," she said after a slight pause," but that doesn't mean that I completely agree with what he had to say."
"That's Uncle Iroh for you." Zuko said with a chuckle as he wrapped a warm arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. "He hands out advice left and right, but he leaves it up to you to decide if you are going to take it or not. He won't tell you what to do or what is right or wrong, just the facts that he feels are important and worth thinking about." It was probably one of the most annoying attributes that his uncle possessed, but at the same time it was sometimes the most useful, even if Zuko did not always follow through with it.
"I've been thinking about it a lot these past couple of hours," she said as she shivered again, "I can't just forget my past as easily as General Iroh makes it seem, but I think that with time… and a bit of help… maybe I can." The prince gazed at her in surprise and then relief; it was the first time that she had ever truly asked either of them for help before, but he was more than happy to help out in any way he could and perhaps this meant that she would start to open up to them more.
"My uncle and I will help you in any way we can, Tamara." He said, placing a warm kiss upon her cheek. He felt her shiver once more and decided that she had stayed out long enough; she needed to sleep for a few hours in the warmth of her bed, and perhaps a couple of hours in the sun to replenish to her energy later.
"Come on." He said as he took her hand and helped her stand up, only to surprise them both when she stumbled on dead legs, another indication that she had been up here too long. Both teens chuckled at the incident and then the prince wrapped the blanket more securely around the healer and lifted her up, cradling her in his strong arms. They would have to take the long way down from the tower, but Zuko did not mind. He only cared about the healer in his arms and was willing to do anything for her if it would help her in the long run. No one like Tamara should ever have to suffer from nightmares and a past like hers and he was willing to do whatever it took to stop her suffering.
……………………………………………………………………………………………
All right! It's been a long time but I am back and ready to start typing again. This chapter has been planned forever, but it takes me longer when I don't have the inspiration. Having the huge gap between the new episodes did not help much either, but neither did work or school over the summer. But I've got some fresh ideas thanks to the season finale and preceding episodes and I am ready to give it another shot. Anyways, this chapter was merely to bring out the true cause for Tamara's emotions and moods. She's suffered by herself for two years with the war and it's slowly starting to come back and haunt her. There is a note in here that I would like to place, because I don't know if I will find a spot for it in the story; Tamara hasn't forgotten what Zhao did to her. One does not immediately forget about rape or something along the lines of it. What I was trying to show was that yes, Zhao almost got her, but she was able to escape without much harm and was able to stand up for herself. The war on the other hand did not give her that opportunity; she was forced into it, she had to participate in it and she could not escape right away. That part practically controlled her life and affected her far more than anything else. The issue comes up later in the story, but it isn't the main thing and other things become far more important. I think we are done with the emotional drama for a couple of chapters so stay tuned. The next chapter finds them at the North Pole (finally) and then the story is really going to take turn from the show, with similar aspects of the show thrown in, but in a different way. Stay tuned, the next chapter should be up soon.