Chapter 21

Pay Phone

Joker has tried his hardest to wait it out, to see if the painful yearning would subside and leave him the man he'd been before the obsession had taken hold. He'd worked so hard to become the Joker-himself-never once considering in the past decade that these useless feelings would even fleetingly enter his mind. Need, desire, affection, longing. He is mildly disgusted with himself; it's only been two days.

"Hello?" Bruce picked up the cordless phone on his nightstand, noting the Gotham area code and assuming it was another politician. It was election season and they always bothered him at dinnertime. Or, what most people considered dinnertime. He normally took his supper closer to nine but he hadn't eaten much in the past couple of days and wasn't planning to do so again that night. Alfred had phoned to request another week in England which Bruce had granted him, so he had no one to insist that he ate and slept regularly. He'd been passing the days until the butler's return in a blank, foggy state, pointedly avoiding any memories of he and the Joker's last encounter. He normally wouldn't pick up the phone for politicians but he was so desperate to hear another human voice that he was willing to listen to a half an hour election pitch. He frowned when no one answered his greeting, thinking perhaps the caller had accidentally hung up on him.

"Hello, Bruce," a familiar nasal voice intoned carefully.

Bruce's heart leapt into his throat and he shot up into a seated position at the edge of his bed. Hearing the Joker's voice again so soon filled him with both fear and relief. Sweat began to bead at his temples.

"Joker," he said, his own voice laced with trepidation. The man on the other line let out a breathy laugh, making Bruce's heart flutter as he suddenly recalled the way that breath had fanned his neck in the heat of their passion. "I wasn't expecting a call."

"Well, I'm not the type of guy to take a girl out for a steak dinner and never call again. So to speak."

"Don't joke about it," Bruce muttered.

"Oh, but that's what I do, precious."

The endearment twisted Bruce's gut as he remembered the criminal murmuring it to him the other night. Anger rose to the forefront of his convoluted emotional jumble. He got up from the bed and began to pace the room.

"So... that was just your ultimate way of torturing me, then? And now you're calling to twist the knife?"

"Brucie, Brucie, no! I... It... It was..."

"Well, spit it out," Bruce spat, reveling in the other's discomfiture. A sharp sigh from the receiver hurt his ear.

"It was torturing me, the... The need to... You make me..." Another sigh, this time of frustration. "I'm not used to talking like this."

"So, why did you call?"

"I mean, saying these things."

"What things?"

"I don't know! Feelings! Emotions. I'm not supposed to have those anymore."

Bruce stifled a snort of laughter at the other's chagrin. It made him feel less crazy and therefore a bit relieved.

"Everyone has feelings and emotions, Joker."

"Well, I don't. Not anymore."

"But apparently, you do."

A humorless grunt.

"Apparently, I do."

A long pause ensued and Bruce fiddled with the buttons on his shirt. He realized how important an admission that was for the other man. He felt less ashamed knowing the Joker had not simply used him for sport.

"What about you?" Joker asked softly, as if in spite of himself.

"I... I'm confused," Bruce said, raking a hand through his hair. He suddenly caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror over his dresser. He looked pained and tired, clutching the phone to his ear as if it were a life support. The image made him angry, disgusted, and he turned away with a huff. "No, Joker. No. You blackmailed me into having sex with you and I did it to save people's lives. That's all it was. That's it."

"Who are you trying to convince, precious?" Joker asked slyly, his tone darkening. "In case you've forgotten, I was there and I seem to recall you being quite an active participant-"

"All right, Joker-"

"I recall you sticking your tongue down my throat, panting and shaking as I-"

"Joker, enough!"

"Stroked my cock against yours, which was hard as a rock for me-"

"Goddamn it, Joker, shut up!" Bruce yelled, his ragged voice effectively quieting the clown. He was as furious at himself as he was at the other man, for his words sparked memories which were causing him to become involuntarily excited. He closed his eyes and willed the erection to go away.

"I'm, ah, sorry, Brucie," Joker said at length, the apology sounding foreign but heartfelt in his voice. "I didn't call to get you all upset."

"Then, why?" Bruce managed to ask between clenched teeth. He made a concerted effort to even out his breaths and went to sit back down on the bed. He heard the Joker's lips smack over the receiver and his softening cock twitched.

"I just had to. I had to... Y'know, I've never been so warm," Joker purred, his voice soothing. "As that night, when I was with you. Ever since then I've realized how damn cold I am all of the time."

Bruce didn't know how to respond to that; he was helplessly touched but held himself back from believing the other man. He wouldn't allow himself the luxury of trust.

"Y'know, maybe we should, ah, meet up again soon. Just to talk. Or..."

"I don't think that's a good idea, J." Bruce sneered at the nickname that fell so easily from his lips. "Regardless of what you or... or I may feel, it isn't right."

"'Right?' Why does it have to be so complicated, Brucie? I mean, sure, we have opposing professions but lots of other people work that out! Why, it's like an environmentalist and a petrochemical manufacturer, a nutritionist and a, a fast food mogul, a social worker and a sweat shop owner-"

"J," Bruce interrupted him, putting up a hand as if the man was standing before him. "Don't try to justify it, it's just... it would just be wrong."

"Why?"

"Because you've killed people!"

"And?"

"You-you killed people I loved and cared about!"

"So?"

Bruce opened and closed his mouth several times but he knew any argument he would come up with would be swept aside by the Joker with a stupidly simple rejoinder. Perhaps he was just overwrought and confused but Bruce found that he couldn't articulate a meaningful reason why they shouldn't pursue this relationship that would get past the Joker's crude logic.

"I need a moment to think-"

"Don't think! That only muddles things up," Joker insisted. "Don't you want to be happy, Brucie?"

"I didn't think you believed in such a "useless" emotion."

The Joker laughed mirthlessly and smacked his lips.

"I may be starting to believe it now."