Hey hey!
What can I say? I am overwhelmed by the response to chapter 20! I mean really and sorry it's taken a couple weeks again for this update, am going to try and get the next few done quicker now my life has settled down a little. Thank you all soooo much for reading and enjoying this story, and especially to all those who left a comment. It's very much appreciated. I absolutely loved them all & I'm not even joking and I'm sorry for the cliffhanger ;) Just a few mentions:
Intextrovert: Yep I loved that bit with Chloe too :)
Ms. Key: thank you and sorry for the wait! Hopefully not so long next time..
Guest from Jun 14: Sorry for being evil ;) no I don't write… well I'm half way through a novel but, I'm not a published author or anything. Really glad you like it!
Tofu9162: I hope you do trust me not to do that ;) I also hated what happened in Skins 7!
Chantal.b: hope you stay stuck:)
Okay so here it is and ermm, you gotta go there to come back, right ?
"Gail," Nick tried, his eyes darting to her as he sped through the streets. Block after block whizzing past them as he manouvered the car between traffic. "She'll be okay," he hurried, even though he knew it was pathetic. He could remember with clarity how it felt when she went missing. When Perick took her. The not knowing being like agony. He felt his throat go painfully dry as he knew exactly what she'd be feeling. Just what she'd be thinking and really, he knew there was nothing anyone could do. "She might not even have gone back inside the building."
Her first thought was to tell him to shut up, like how the hell could he possibly know that? If any of them were okay? It was impossible. They could all be laying dead for all he knew. For all she knew but then his last sentence stuck in her head, as if the most improbable scenario was the one to cling to out of some desperate sense of self-preservation. She knew it was a bomb. A bomb where Holly was, where her friends were but yes, she might not have gone back inside the building, therefore she might be okay and so she let herself clench on to that and she prayed to God it was true. Holly was calling the realtor, after all. But as if that would've taken her half an hour. Would it have taken her that long? Maybe she called someone else after. Maybe she got talking to someone ? Who though? Who cared. As long as that's what happened.
Gail dug in her pocket and pulled out her phone, hitting speed dial for Holly's number. She held the phone to her ear but couldn't stop her hand from shaking. She tried to control her breathing but she couldn't. She pressed herself back as much as she could into her seat as for some reason, it seemed to steady her, and then her eyes fell closed.
"Pick up," Gail whispered. "Please. Pick up."
Nick hoped she would, too.
But it rang out. Gail hung on for as long as she could, till the repetitive ring just infuriated her more and then she lowered the phone to her lap, her palms clamped around it. "Damn it," she forced out, her voice low and hushed.
"Try again," Nick instructed, his eyes now fixed on the road as he practically threw the car from either side of the street.
Gail was frustrated, and she felt herself begin to get angry. Her heightened levels of emotion translating into the only one she knew how to deal with. The one she was most comfortable with. The one that would surely protect her. How the hell did a bomb go off? Why? Who planted it? Why wasn't she there, too? Why was she the one on the way to the lab? It should've been Diaz. He should be in the car with Nick, not her. Gail should still be there, blown up too, if that's how things were.
"Why?" Gail snapped at Nick, her eyes digging into him as if somehow, it was all his fault. "She didn't pick up the first time, why would she a second?" Her voice was raspy, sharp. Like the words were her weapons but as she spoke it was like it was all becoming more real. Like the senselessness was becoming more and more true, she felt a stinging behind her eyes and she had to stop before her tears betrayed her. She could feel them pooling and she had to fight against it even though it was all making her feel sick. The idea of why Holly wasn't picking up hurting her entire being and then she felt the panic. Her chest tight and empty as it began to shake and she had to look away from him, try to grab a hold of the situation but honestly she didn't know if she could.
Nick felt the panic too, and again he tried to help. "That could be for any reason, Gail-"
"-Yeah that she's in a million pieces." It was out before she could stop it, before she could even think about it. Her look at him was pure fire, the words hitting her a moment later. Solidly. Firmly, all over her chest like a lead weight. She thought she might throw up. Her reflex now to think the absolute worst as if that would ease things later. But it didn't help her. She couldn't handle any of it and she just needed to be there, she needed to see. She needed to know.
"Just call any of them, Gail. Dov, Chris. Traci..."
"Traci," Gail repeated, and another wave engulfed her. Leo. She thought about Leo and now she couldn't stop the emotion. Steve.
She lifted her phone again. "I have to call Steve-"
But then it rang in her hands and it stopped everything. She stared at it and Nick looked at her, as she looked at the display.
"Is it her?" Nick asked. Surely it had to be her.
Gail accepted the call and pressed the phone to her ear. "Sam?"
"Peck-"
"-Sam what's going on?" Her voice was strained, he sounded breathless. He sounded like he had run a marathon and there was chaos around him.
"Swarek?" Nick was confused. Why would Swarek be calling Gail, on her cell? Surely that meant bad news.
"Peck you need to get to the hospital. Go straight there-"
"-Why?" There was only panic. She clenched the phone tighter, and her muscles twitched as she tensed, everywhere. "Where's Holly?"
"Peck just get there."
"Sam tell me. She's at the hospital ?!"
"Gail…" Nick tried to say it, as soothingly as he could, as futile as it was.
She ignored him. "Sam?!"
"The ambulance took her. Nash is with her."
"Traci?"
Nick cut in, absolutely desperate to know some details. "Traci? Is she okay? How about Chris? Dov?"
It was all happening way too fast for Gail. Her mind was swimming, her emotions all over the place. "Is Traci hurt?" she asked, although the only person she could think about was Holly.
There was a pause on the line as if Sam was trying to compose himself, or something. Decide what was best to say. What was best to leave out. All Gail could hear in the background were sirens, people shouting and her mind easily made up the rest. Then it suddenly got quieter, as if Sam had found somewhere else to stand, away from the commotion, as if the next thing he had to say commanded some kind of quiet.
"Gail," and that was the first weird thing. Calling her by her first name. Why was he doing that? Why was it needed? Why did he need to get more personal? "Nash is fine." He paused again, and it only made her more agitated. "Fifteen were leaving the scene. Diaz took a hit. His shoulder, I think. He's at the hospital too. Epstein is with me, we're handling it till back up arrives. You just need to get to the hospital."
For some reason she was calm, and she felt a certain level of stillness. As if a realisation struck her and her instinct was to block it out. Shield herself. She had to ask, and for some reason she felt ready to know the answer. "Is she alive?"
Another pause that seemed longer this time. Like an age.
"She was when they took her."
Her eyes fell closed.
"She was outside. Nash was talking to her out here and then she went back in, and that's when it happened. I don't really know, but she got thrown. We all hit the ground. The ambulance took her straight away." There was a pause again, as if he was struggling. "That's all I can tell you, but I thought you should know. Get yourself there, Peck. We got it here."
He hung up, but Gail kept the phone to her ear and it was a moment before she felt the blood flowing through her veins again. A moment before she registered the steady flow of buildings streaming past her. The siren loud in her ear.
"Thanks Sam," she murmured, a little after the fact. The phone was back in her lap.
"What did he say?"
It was like a boulder in her throat and she felt her hearts steady thump. "Get to the hospital. Now."
The car hadn't even come to a complete stop before Gail was out of it. Nick calling after her in vein as she raced through the sliding doors, up to the front desk and demanded to know where everyone from thirty-third were being taken. The nurse just saw the uniform and pointed down the hall, grabbing the desk phone and holding it in the crook between her neck and her ear as she answered, obviously something she was practiced at as she scanned a file she was holding. "ER. Critical's upstairs."
Critical's. Gail paused at the desk for a moment and her mind paused, too. She just stared at the nurse as she demanded things into the phone and paid Gail no further attention and Gail willed her perhaps, to tell her something more. Ask her even who in particular she was there to see so then maybe she could get a warning. An idea of what to expect. It was only momentary though, as her indecision to move fled from her as quickly as it arrived. No matter how anxious Gail was feeling, how worried. How sickeningly petrified to her very core she was off like a shot to the stairwell, taking them two at a time because she had to know, one way or the other just how bad it was. Or maybe not even bad at all. She had to get to her, and with each step she took that took her that bit closer, as her heart pounded harder and as her fists clenched tighter at her sides her body felt like it was falling apart, little by little, piece by piece but she powered on regardless, the adrenaline thick in her veins. Through doorways and taking corridors at full stride.
She didn't take notice of anything around her and her eyes remained pinned straight ahead. She didn't notice the staff looking at her, members of the public eyeing her with concern. She saw them but she didn't register them. She didn't want to see her distraught, panic ridden expression mirrored back at her. Gail didn't like it, knowing she must look manic, probably even terrified even though she was desperately trying to hold onto her game face but she knew she was failing. She could feel it, as much as everyone else could see it and so Gail pushed on and she thought if she knew exactly where she was going, she would be running. She would be legging it but she didn't know exactly so her frantic eyes were scanning every corridor, glancing into every room. She knew she must be close, she was on the right floor, this was where all the critical cases were once they were done with in the ER.
Gail stopped as she considered, maybe Holly wasn't up here. Maybe it was only something minor after all. Maybe it didn't require all the equipment up here. The tubes, the machines. The silence. Maybe it was all okay. Maybe, Holly wasn't in Critical and so Gail took a breather and she actually leaned forwards a bit, her palms against her thighs and then she ran her hand over her head as she straightened. Her other hand on her hip. She sighed, and all she could feel was how much her chest shook. How much it hurt, and how much she physically needed to know what was going on, and then it struck her. Nash. She needed to call Nash.
"Gail."
Gail's head whipped around to the adjacent corridor, the one she had just gone past and she peered down it curiously. It was Steve and she was suddenly confused. Why was Steve there? She moved toward it, started down it as her walk got faster, her body language again agitated. Panicked. Uneasy. Her expression desperate and then she saw Traci loitering at the end of the hall, not able to look at her and it only made Gail panic more.
Well Gail got to them she was breathless and Steve stepped forward to stop her, his hand out at Gail's side, his eyes a little odd and they looked at her intently. Gauging her, somehow. Gail however, could only look at Traci.
"What happened?" Gail asked, and that's when Traci looked at her in return. "Thank God you're okay." Gail then looked around when no response from Traci was forthcoming and her voice went small. "Where is everyone?"
Gail saw a door go her immediate right. It was open, a distinct steady beeping sound emanating from it and the way Steve seemed to half guard it, his arm out to Gail's side as if to keep her from it spoke a thousand words and Gail automatically stepped away from it, as if burned. A sickening fear suddenly engulfing her.
Gail took another step away and it took her closer to Traci and her voice was low, her lips very dry. Her throat as if knives lined it. "Where's Holly?"
"Gail," Steve said again, seeming to move with her but she immediately swatted his hand away.
"Where is she?" she demanded again, her tone quickly furious, her eyes glaring into Steve and then Traci and then back again. Her desire to know something fuelled only by their apparent need to keep it from her, even though she knew that couldn't possibly be anything good. "Tell me," and once more Gail felt afraid, but her tone was challenging, almost accusatory. "What the hell happened?"
Traci had to speak, as much as she didn't want to. She owed it to Gail but she couldn't keep the distress out of her eyes. It was all too much like something she had felt before, and she never wanted to go there again but she owed her friend this. She owed Gail honesty because she was there, she had witnessed it, and so she had to let Gail know.
"Gail it was all so quick," she started, her palms sort of up in front of her. Her tone was wrought, not at all her normal composed self. "We were across the street. Swarek and I were talking with Holly. She was already outside when we left the scene, on a call, or something I don't know. So she went back in and that's when Diaz came out." Traci stopped as she could see Gail was wavering, that her mind was quickly coming to its own conclusions and so she reached out a hand to rest on Gail's forearm as Gail tried to back away, her eyes now fixed on that room. Traci took a half step toward her. "Gail, she must've been in there five minutes tops and then…" she stopped, as Gail squirmed, "…that's when it happened."
Gail just pulled away from both of them, her face all kinds of contorted, her eyes awash with unshed tears no inch of her wanting to believe any of this as truth. Her heart wanted to tell her mind it was wrong. Scream it, even. Yell at her that it was all going to be okay. Her mind though, didn't believe it.
Gail's hands came up to her face but she dropped them again before they even made contact. "Tell me she's okay," she whispered, her eyes then clamping shut as she didn't want to see the expression on either of their faces.
"She's stable," Steve said softly and that at least, was something.
It was enough for Gail right then, her eyes letting the light back in and then more than anything, she had to get in that room. "Is she in there?" Gail asked, her body already angling toward it. "I have to see her."
Steve darted forward, his arm this time blocking her properly. "Gail wait," he said, his other hand against her shoulder.
"Why?" Gail asked, her emotion thick in her voice, her hands trying to move him out of her way.
"Just listen to me-"
But she was gone. Too quick for him and she was over to the door in a second and then she was through it, and then she just stopped.
Steve was after her instantly and Traci hot on his heels, both of them stopping as they got to the door, standing there motionless in the doorway, watching as they saw Gail take it all in. The machines, the tubes. The monitors as they beeped. The lifeless form on the bed. The one that Gail loved and they both felt as if they were intruding, but still they couldn't leave. They stayed there nonetheless.
It came to her slowly, like a dawning realization only one of the worst possible kind. How could it possibly be Holly in that bed? Not Gail's Holly. Not the one who she was looking at houses with this weekend. It was just all some kind of mad mistake. It was someone else. It had to be someone else. Holly would be along in a second. She would take Gail's hand, run her thumb over her knuckles in that way she always did. Give her that adorable lop-sided grin and ghost her lips across the edge of her jaw. Tell her something reassuring although, the thing was, she wouldn't, would she? Because it was Holly in that bed as much as Gail's eyes didn't want it to be true, as much as they refused to look at her. To see her there properly. Gail was having trouble taking that step, looking at her face because if she did that, then it would definitely be true, and then what the hell would she do?
Steve had to make himself speak. Had to force himself to. He knew his sister would be struggling and he wanted to do everything he could, although he had no idea what that was. He spoke as he watched Gail just stand there, a foot or so from the bed. A foot or so from the railing. A foot or so from the woman who meant so much to her, praying as he knew Gail would be, that this wasn't actually happening. He had to put his hand on Traci's arm, to remind himself that she was there. That she was standing by his side and not in some hospital bed herself somewhere and when she leaned a little into him he felt glad, and then instantly bad for finding comfort in it.
"She was thrown," Steve said, his voice like gravel. "We don't know how close she was to the explosion but," and he had to clear the lump in his throat as he said it, "the scars, are where glass must've hit her."
"We think she must've been just outside the foyer," Traci added, and she wanted to look away but she couldn't take her eyes from Gail's head as it dropped forwards, her finger coming up to absently trace along the top of the guard rail on Holly's bed. "You know where there were those floor to ceiling windows? Well she must have been walking towards them so, outside of the blast," and then her voice cracked, so she had to stop.
Gail kind of moved her head slightly in their direction. Her voice almost too quiet as she spoke. "So she wasn't on the floor where the bomb went off?"
Steve shook his head. "No. She couldn't have been, they're all..."
Traci grabbed his wrist to silence him, and it made him look at her, her eyes just telling him to stop.
"Dead?" Gail asked, but she still wasn't looking at them. Her eyes stared at her finger on the rail.
Steve took a deep breath. "Gail no one on that floor made it."
A million what ifs went through Gail's mind and her hand immediately stopped moving. What if Holly hadn't come after her? What if they hadn't of had that conversation about a house? What if Holly hadn't called the realtor back? If he hadn't called her that morning and offered a viewing? What if Holly had gone back in sooner? If she hadn't spoken with Traci and Sam across the street, before she headed back in? It all seemed to assault her at the same time and she had to close her eyes to stop it. To try and block it out because it didn't matter after all. She was still laying in this bed. She was still on life support. There was still a machine breathing for her-
Gail stepped back, her palms pressing into her hips and running down the sides of her thighs. There was such an uneasiness. Such a sense of panic sort of doused and now buried, heavily weighed down by a reality she didn't want to realise but here it was staring her right in the face and she couldn't hide from it. She couldn't ignore it. She felt so ripped up inside. So broken. So at a loss with everything that she had but was now taken from her.
"The doctor didn't say much," Steve continued, finding the silence unbearable and thinking Gail must want information. Thinking he would want information, if he were in her shoes. "Just that her leg and hip took most of the impact when she landed. Her head taking a bump, too."
"Her head?" This time she looked at them and the pain was very real. It was visible even across the room, her eyes screaming hurt. Her expression full of loss. Or the loss that might come and she wanted to run away from it. She didn't want to deal with it. She didn't know how. She turned to Holly again and stepped to the bed. Her chest suddenly hitching, the emotion rising from deep in her throat. She felt it in every inch of her. Every corner and every tiny portion of her that could break down was verging on it, and she didn't think she could stop it. Not that she wanted to. She knew this would break her, she knew this woman had the capacity and here it was, steamrolling over Gail without apology. Without any indication that it would ever stop hurting.
There was a strangled sound, from somewhere in Gail's throat. A gasping in her chest. Something like deflation, of herself collapsing, of it all being absolutely way too much, all at once, all at the same time and she had to brace herself on the rail as the first shudders gripped her. As her eyes clenched shut and she felt the pain start to consume her.
"I can't watch this," Traci whispered, turning into Steve's chest. It was all coming back to her and she couldn't relive that. It was still too soon for her, too.
Steve kept his eyes on his sister but he felt his face begin to crumble. His eyes were brimmed with red and they felt sore and he felt bad, but he knew he wasn't finished. "Gail," he said softly, and it seemed to pull her away from it, if for only a moment. He took a step further into the room, leaving Traci in the doorway and then he sighed, feeling like he was trapped under a lead weight, too. His face said he was sorry as he spoke. "I said we'd notify the next of kin."
Gail just stared at him, the only indication she'd heard was her eyes going that little bit wider.
He continued. "She has sisters, right?"
Sasha, Gail thought, and she felt the tears fresh on her cheeks. She turned, and then she closed her eyes. Her palms coming up to cover her face and she wiped them away, even though it was pointless. She couldn't even imagine how Sasha would handle this. Grace, even. Not after everything. It was ten times more than everything she could take. She turned again on the spot and suddenly stripped out of her jacket, letting it fall to the floor with a heavy thump. It was like the walls were closing in on her, she felt suffocated, boxed in. She reached for the Velcro on her Kevlar vest and the sound ripped through the silence, shattering it. She dumped it on the floor and then un-tucked her shirt, her breaths now completely heavy and she absolutely had no idea what to do.
"I'll do it," Traci said, feeling she could be useful. "I'll call her. Sasha, isn't it?"
"No," Gail responded, almost immediately. Still pacing on the spot and then she stopped, her fingertips running against the sides of her jaw. "Grace. You need to call Grace." She breathed deeply, trying to hold it together long enough to decide the best thing to do. "She should tell Sash," she looked at Steve. "Not us."
"Okay," Steve agreed, his forehead furrowed, the worry lines fixed permanently to his face. "Give me your phone, we'll take care of it."
Gail reached into her pocket and handed it over, turning back to Holly as she once again closed her eyes.
Steve turned the phone over in his hands, took another look at his sister and thought the best thing perhaps would be to give her some privacy. A little time. If only to maybe gather herself, a little, or whatever it was she needed to do. "I'll be right back," he said, before he turned and gave the phone to Traci, his eyes finding nothing but floor. He backed out of the room but paused with his hand on the handle. "If you need me I'm just outside," he said, suspecting she probably didn't hear him at all, and then he closed the door behind him.
Gail looked down, her fingers ghosting over Holly's limp hand. With the door closed she felt like they were packed away, fenced off. Wrapped in their own cocoon. It was weird, seeing her like this and Gail couldn't quite get over the silence, as if she expected Holly to just get up and say something, even though she was covered by tubes. One breathing for her, coming out of her mouth. It was almost like it wasn't Holly, just the shell of her. Not the person Gail came home to every night, with her smile. Her crooked grin. Her sexy librarian glasses. Those suggestive eyes. This was someone else altogether. Or at least that's how it felt.
But it was, though. It was Holly laying there and the more Gail peered at her, her eyes getting used to the tiny scars all over Holly's face. All over her shoulders and arms, the parts that Gail could see above the linen sheets the more it was sinking in, and the more ripped up she was feeling inside because, well, these were Holly's arms, and her legs. Her hands and her fingers. The hands touched her, just last night. The fingers that would sooth and caress her. The arms that would wrap her up. The legs that would curl around her. The body that would lay beside her, push against her, cover her so completely. The lips that would kiss her and make her feel like the most wanted person alive but now she was here, with her eyes closed. Every part of her unmoving and it was as if the life was draining from Gail, too. She had no idea how she could possibly work, with the thought of Holly not being okay. It was crucifying. The mere notion of it, the very thought was like a clamp on her heart that wasn't relenting. That wasn't giving up. Gail felt it all, the anxiousness inside, it was overpowering. She felt sick, dizzy. Nauseous and her hand gripped onto Holly's this time, she squeezed it, hoping for her to squeeze it back. But nothing came, just stillness. Emptiness. Nothingness.
Gail's body wracked as her shoulders slumped forward. She shuddered, like a million pin pricks touched her all over. It felt like her face couldn't take the pain and it crumpled, screwing itself up, the tears now an incessant stream. She sobbed and she just let herself, her fingers applying more pressure on Holly's hand.
She willed it to move. She asked for it to. She wasn't certain of the words she was saying nor could she really make them out, but she prayed that Holly's hand might move, and Gail didn't pray. Not ever but the emptiness was overtaking her, like a black hole opening up and shamelessly sucking everything in. Everything that mattered without remorse and without apology. Without any way to get it back. She felt as lifeless as Holly's hand and she just wanted to be with her, in that moment, wherever Holly may be.
Gail sat in the chair at Holly's bedside and dragged it as close to the bed as she could. Her fingers were trembling as she picked up Holly's hand and held it between her own, her breaths coming out manically, her chest juddering and jerking like she had absolutely no control. Her tears were dropping on their joined hands, on the crisp hospital sheets.
"C'mon, Holly," is all she could manage before her head bowed, not able to look for another second at the tubes and wires and scars spoiling Holly's beautiful face. Her beautiful body.
And that's when it grabbed her. The realisation, her eyes focusing again on Holly's hand, the hand that wasn't gripping hers back. The hand that always gripped hers back, even while she was sleeping, normally. What if Holly never woke up again? What if those eyes never looked at her, if she never smiled that stupid, lop-sided grin at her, or if her fingers never touched her again? Flexed against her hand or, touched her body again? What if Gail never felt the heat of Holly's body in the night again, while they slept or, what if Gail never heard her voice again, her voice and her hundreds of complicated words?
What if she never told her that she loved her, again?
It was like a devastation. A ripping sensation, of everything just seeming to end. The prospect of nothing ever being the same again and Gail just couldn't handle it.
She suddenly felt weak and her body leaned over Holly's hand as her elbows dug into the edge of the mattress, her fingers clenching Holly's as if they were all she had left. She felt completely disorientated, and her body ached with a numbness she had never known. She felt alien, and so lost because she didn't want to be. She didn't want to be anywhere, not without her. So she prayed again, for all she was worth that Holly would just move her hand, just one finger. Because that would give her hope. She didn't care if Holly never used it to touch her again, just as long as it would move. Just as long as she would live because then she would live again, too.
But nothing happened, and Gail's ears were filled with nothing but the pain of her own sobs, her lungs gasping for air as she let it all tumble out. All of her fear, all of her anguish. Every last piece of her desperation. It echoed around the room and Gail felt the rattle in her hollow chest. She rested her forehead against the back of Holly's hand and she let herself break down. Her eyes clamping shut, her pleas now strangled as her sobs became choked in the back of her throat. She let it all go and she just cried as if she may never stop, as if crying was all she would ever do again.
It was at least an hour before Steve decided to go back in. Before he thought he should go check on his little sister. He knew she would well be broken, and he felt it his duty to help her through it. Or at least try to. To give her some kind of hope because he knew Holly would pull through. He sensed it. Because that was the only possible option.
"All done," he said softly as he inched his way around the door. He didn't know why, but he felt the need to be a quiet as possible, as if he didn't want to intrude on what was going in inside. "They're on their way."
Gail was stood up by the top of the bed, her eyes glued to her girlfriend. Her hands once again clutching the rail. She sighed, and it was long and deep and heavy. "What did Grace say?" she asked, her voice so quiet Steve barely heard it.
Steve put his hands in his pockets, his tongue moistening his lips. He thought it bad enough for him to see Holly like this, so God knew what Gail was going through. He hurt for her, but he needed to be strong. "She was quiet. Said she would tell Sasha and then drive them both here."
Gail nodded, her eyes firmly on Holly's face. The metal of the rail now warm in her hands. She wasn't sure she wanted to see, when Grace got there. When Sasha saw. At that moment Gail didn't think she could possibly hurt anymore but the prospect of Sasha… She just couldn't think about it. Her eyes blinked as more tears fell from them. Silent ones. Hot on her face.
"I bought the ring," Gail whispered, as her eyes once again fixed on Holly and it just kind of hovered there, for a moment, before Steve had any clue what she was talking about.
He looked at her. "What?" he asked, an eyebrow going up, the realisation hitting him as he saw the helplessness pour from his sister. The pain he felt, the empathy was still clearly etched across his face and he shifted his weight, his body resting on his hip and he just had no idea how to help her. How to ease this for her so he just listened, and tried to quieten his shaky breaths.
Gail's chest hitched as she readied the words in her mind, her breaths a little stunted. She didn't want to cry, not again but she felt unable to stop it, buried under such a formidable weight as she was and she felt she had to share this, because it was almost burning a hole in her. She had been such a coward, and now perhaps Holly would never know. Gail just ached, she hurt. She felt wretched. For everything she might lose. For everything she never said. For everything more she could've shown in each of her gestures. In every single one of her touches.
She felt on the edge of an abyss, and what's more she welcomed it. "I never asked her," she admitted quietly, her words claimed by the silence of the room.
After a moment she looked at Steve, the tears again starting to fall. He felt it in his chest and he had no idea how to make it better for her, even if he could at all. All he could do was watch as Gail crumbled in front of him.
She looked back at Holly and her knuckles became white against the rail. "She never knew I wanted to ask," she continued, her voice choked and her breath rattling around her empty chest. Her throat was raw, but she didn't care. All that mattered was that Holly was here, and that she may never wake up and that Gail never told her how much she wanted to spend her life with her. That Holly was the one for her, for the rest of her life and instead of being on Holly's finger, that sapphire ring was in a box at the back of Gail's sock drawer. Waiting for an opportunity that now may never come.
Gail just stared, her expression at a loss. Like there was nothing more to feel, and not really anything else to say. Her tears though continued to fall and she felt paralysed, and full of regret. "What if she didn't know? What if she'll never know?"
Steve stepped forward and covered Gail's hand with his on the rail, his fingers squeezing hers firmly as his hand dwarfed hers completely. He tried to impart some strength, to offer some comfort although he knew it was virtually impossible.
His eyes shone with tears. He looked at her and offered her the only thing he could. "She knew," he started, the lump large in his throat, his voice croaky. "Little sister. I'm sure she knew," and then he felt a surge of strength, an optimism and he squeezed her hand again, trying to convey it to her. "You'll get to ask her," he said, "I know you will."
There was a crashing sound, and it made Gail jolt from her chair. From her place in the corner of the room. She had no idea how long she had been there but all of a sudden Sasha was at the door, her face gaunt, stricken with an inconsolable expression and then she was over to Holly in an instant.
Gail got to her feet, it all coming back to her and that incredibly brief moment where she didn't know where she was, before she remembered what had happened was demolished in a flat second and was quickly replaced by pain, anguish. Heartache.
"No," Sasha breathed, as she sat on Holly's bed, grabbing her hand between both of hers. "No, no, no. Hols?" She shook Holly's hand, pulled at her wrist. Sat higher up the bed. "Hols!? Get up." Her voice was strained and Gail wanted to look away but she just couldn't and when Holly didn't move, Sasha just shook her hand even harder, her face plagued with utter disbelief. "Hols get up!" she shouted, leaning forwards, sort of over Holly and everything just broke for her, her voice cracking and her breaths out coming quickly. It was like she was panting and just as quickly she was crying. "Hols wake up! Please, just wake up…"
This time Gail did look away and she saw Grace standing in the doorway, her hand poised on the handle and even though her face was stoic Gail could still see the shock. It was in her eyes. Grace was confused, then she was panicked and then she was stoic again all in an instant. She looked to Gail and it was as if she put it all away and a fierce look replaced it, and it made Gail flinch.
"What the hell happened?" Grace asked, taking a step into the room, the door falling closed behind her.
Gail felt Grace's eyes on her and she licked her lips, for want of anything else to do. She felt like she should console Sasha whose breathy sobs were now filling up the room but she couldn't move. She didn't know if she should, if she should get in the way of this sister thing and so she looked at Grace, met her eyes and for even someone who could build a wall as solidly as Gail could, Grace's wall was higher, and completely unmoving. Her expression unrelenting. She wanted answers and there was only Gail there to give them to her.
"There was a bomb," Gail responded, rather weakly.
Grace took a challenging step toward Gail. "What?"
Gail looked away. At the floor. "We were on scene. A bomb went off, I don't know I wasn't there."
"Then who was there?" Grace demanded, and then she thought about it. "And where were you?"
Gail wasn't really too sure of why that mattered but she started to answer, anyway before she stopped herself. "I was…" she shook her head, trying to get a little more composed. "We think she was outside the blast zone. She got thrown," and the rest of her words she swallowed, her emotion catching in her throat. Hearing herself say the words was too hard. "Her leg…" she trailed off. "And she banged her head."
Grace's eyes drifted to Holly and her hard edge dissolved, her harsh demeanour softening. She moved to the end of the bed and ghosted her fingers along Holly's shin. "What's with all the scars?"
Gail looked at Holly too and Sasha was quieter now, as if she needed to listen. Her whimpers were still there though, no matter how quiet she was. "Glass. We think she was walking toward glass."
It was just all so hopeless and Gail didn't think she was helping, not at all. She rubbed her forehead with the side of her thumb. "I don't know the doctor will be around. He can tell you more."
Grace cut her eyes. "Have you spoken to the doctor?"
The corner of Gail's lip was between her teeth, the severity of it all just stacking up on top of her. She wasn't dealing very well and she could feel it. Gail just shook her head. "No."
"She'll be okay though, right?" Sasha asked, the question shredding the silence in two.
Gail didn't know what to say. She didn't know the answer to that question, but Grace looked at her all the same. Sasha just continued to stare at Holly, her fingers running down Holly's arm and back up again. The tears falling freely, the emotion again rising in her throat.
It was making Gail hurt all the more, her heart getting devastated all over again. She couldn't speak, and she tried to clear the lump in her throat. She felt hot, and awkward, and that she didn't know the right thing to say at all. She felt like she wasn't the right person for this. Holly was the right person. She'd know exactly what to say and that revelation just hurt her all the more.
"Why wasn't the building cleared?"
Gail shifted her attention from Sasha to Grace who was again glaring at her, her face now accusatory and it was a moment before Gail's brain started working. It was honestly something she hadn't considered, and then she felt stupid for it. It was an obvious question but she had no idea how to answer it.
"Don't you guys do that? The police?" Grace continued. "Clear a crime scene before others are allowed onto it? Like forensics ?"
Sasha's head turned to Grace and for the first time since entering the room she changed her position. She angled herself around to look at Gail and the expression on her face was incomprehensible. Gail was blindsided. She faltered, and she didn't know why this hadn't occurred to her before.
Gail looked around, trying to understand why the scene wasn't cleared properly but she felt pressured by the weight of the eyes on her. "Well.." she mumbled, "..yeah."
"So why wasn't it?" Grace said almost too coolly, and very quickly.
Gail felt it all rise up again. She didn't know the answer to any of Grace's questions and all she wanted to do was run. Her eyes were stinging and she was so, so tired. She felt sick and her head was hurting. She looked past Sasha to Holly and she felt her hands begin to tremble, the idea of what Grace was suggesting just too much for her.
"I don't know," Gail responded, her chest all tight. "I've, I've just been here."
Grace stepped forward. "Well maybe you should find out why your people didn't do their jobs so now my sister is lying here, on life support."
"Leave it Grace," Sasha interrupted, her head now turned back to Holly. Her voice was gravelly, though. Overwrought.
"I won't leave it-"
"-You're not helping!" Sasha stood up and spun around. Her hand out in front of her. Her forehead was creased, her cheeks puffy and red. She gestured toward Holly, her expression full of pain. "She won't want this. It's not Gail's fault."
Sasha began to mumble, rant. Her emotion erupting from her in a string of nonsensical words. Or at least they seemed nonsensical, to Gail. Her head was spinning and she honestly couldn't handle it anymore. Any of it, not Sasha, the pain etched firmly into every inch of her as she spoke, and as she moved, and she certainly couldn't handle Grace. Not like this.
Gail fidgeted where she stood, she wished she could be alone with Holly again, she didn't want to walk out but she felt like she had too. She had to get away. She needed air. She needed to scream and she couldn't do that here, not in front of Holly's sisters.
"No we're going to speak to the doctor and then we'll know the options…"
"What options?!" Sasha fumed, and Gail quickly tuned back into the conversation. "What are you even talking about?"
Grace for the first time look discomposed. Like cracks were beginning to show. "Nothing," she sighed, agitated. "We just need to know the whole picture."
Sasha pointed at Grace. "She's going to get better. That's the only option!" Her eyes were brimming with tears, the notion of anything other than that just completely alien, to her. Sasha straightened, and tried to calm down. "Ed, we need to speak to Ed."
Grace scoffed. "And how do you suggest we do that?" She sighed, and her hand flew up in the air. "When was the last time you even spoke to him?"
Sasha went quiet. She sat back on the edge of Holly's bed. "He needs to know."
"When was the last time he cared about anything to do with this family?"
And that was it. Gail strode to the door and grabbed the handle. "I have to go."
Grace put her hand on Gail's shoulder to stop her. "This isn't finished," she said, a little dangerously.
Gail just swallowed, and she just couldn't hold it in. She opened the door and left.
Gail stumbled. In which direction she didn't know. Her head was a mess and all of her felt all over the place. What Grace said to her was running through her mind and she churned it over, trying to process what happened. Who did clear the scene? Who made that call? It was already cleared when she got there. Forensics were already on scene. Was her girlfriend really lying in that bed because some police officer made a mistake? Didn't check properly? Was it one of her colleagues? One of her friends.. ?
She rounded a corner, and another, and then another. She had no idea where she was, on which floor but there were too many people and they were all staring at her. She was pretty sure she was crying again, and she felt like she couldn't breathe as she rounded another corner, sped down another corridor and then there was a collision.
Andy stumbled backwards and Gail hit the wall.
"Gail?!" Andy said once she regained her footing and when she saw the state of her friend she immediately became concerned. "Oh my God are you okay?"
Andy moved toward Gail who was still crouched down, practically hunched at the wall and she tried to help her up. Andy had never seen Gail look so distraught, her face so undone. Her hair was coming loose from its usually immaculate ponytail, her uniform shirt un-tucked and the top few buttons hanging open.
Andy grabbed Gail's elbow but she shook free from her grasp and for the briefest of moments when their eyes met, Andy thought it was the most open Gail had ever allowed herself to be in her presence. Andy saw the pain and she recognized it but then Gail was gone.
She moved as fast as she could, hitting the stairwell and then she ploughed down the stairs for what felt like forever. When she couldn't go any further she careered through the door ahead of her and into another corridor only this one was dark. It made her stop, but only for a moment. She was panting, felt everything pent up inside her chest magnified. She was angry. So, so angry that all this was happening, that she couldn't stop it. That she wasn't there with Holly when it happened. She should've been there. She should've been holding her hand and what's worse, she couldn't make any of it better. She couldn't make her better. She couldn't make Holly wake up and so it was all just worthless.
She heard a bang somewhere above her and it made her turn. She saw another door and she went through it, into some kind of storage room. It was big, and full of stacked chairs, linens, equipment. All things that were pointless, things that meant nothing. Gail felt the rage, and she felt it at herself. Why was this happening to her? Why was it happening to Holly? Holly who was the best kind of person when the world was full of sickos, full of the kind of people who Gail dealt with every day. Criminals, gang leaders, drug dealers. Pimps, men who abused their wives, people who abused children and this is what was happening to Holly.
She couldn't contain it and she let it all out. She screamed, as loud as she could, her hands balled into fists at her sides as everything fell out of her. Everything raw and ragged that she had. The unyielding, unrelenting agony and with it she felt like she was disintegrating, maybe even ceasing to exist. The prospect of not having her anymore, the touches, the hugs, the everything was just far too great.
What would she do? Who would she turn to? Who would make it all okay ?
It ached. The loss. The nothingness. It burned from somewhere deep inside and she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt if Holly didn't make it then neither would she. It was the most helpless Gail had ever felt, the most inconsolable. The most wretched. She couldn't deal with the anger and so her eyes sprang open and her fists found the wall. It hurt and it helped, for half a second so then she attacked the chairs as well. Clattering them to the floor and then she kicked them until they bounced off the walls like they were rubber. She threw the neatly stacked linens, launched them in piles but that didn't help at all so she shoved herself into the equipment. The machines, whatever they were for. Her shoulder impacting metal hard but she didn't feel it. She toppled monitors over, kicking whatever was at her feet, grunting and growling as she did so and when she eventually fell into the wall, her breaths sharp as her chest heaved, her shirt now ripped, her hair totally loose she just felt sadness. So empty and so worthless but now she had physical scars. She looked at her bloody knuckles and again she let herself cry, the misery taking over.
"Gail."
She didn't hear the door open and she didn't care who it was. She would normally, but this time she didn't. She stayed facing the wall, leaning into it, her forehead against her forearms. Her cries soft and she thought this was it. She was broken. Totally and completely.
"Gail," Andy said again, and she immediately crossed the room to her. She felt a little awkward, but only briefly and she rested a hand on Gail's shoulder. "It'll be okay," she said softly, her eyes scanning the room. It was completely trashed, and full of Gail's sorrow. "She'll pull through."
There was a sound as Gail tried to stop herself from crying. It was pure pain and Andy saw it threefold as Gail lifted her head from her arms. She looked at Andy and her voice was so quiet. So lost. So like a child's. "How do you know that?" she asked, because she honestly wanted to believe it.
Andy sighed, not really knowing what to say. She rubbed her hand comfortingly against Gail's shoulder and she took in a deep breath, her head shaking, a little. "Because she has to," she said as she tried for a small smile. Her hand moving to brush away Gail's hair that was across her forehead, stuck to the side of her face. "And so she will."
Gail wanted it to be true, more than anything but she couldn't let herself think it, not until Holly opened her eyes. Not until she smiled that lop-sided smile at her again. Not until she felt her familiar touch. Gail's chest hitched and she honest to God thought this feeling would never go away. "She can't do it to me," she hurried, her eyes darting all over the place, her body sort of swaying, a bit. "She can't."
"Do what?"
There was a pause.
"Leave."
It was the most heartbreaking thing Andy had ever heard, and coming from Gail it spoke volumes. In that moment she felt it all too, and she was having a hard time trying to remain strong. Trying not to let the weight of what Gail was feeling swallow them both whole. "Oh sweetie," she sighed, her lip trembling a little and then she pulled Gail toward her, feeling her body as she crumbled against her. "She won't," Andy whispered. "I'm sure she won't."
Gail fell into the hug and she welcomed it. She longed for some comfort and Andy couldn't believe this usually stoic and impenetrable human being was so lost, so reduced to this quivering wreck now slumped in her arms.
After a moment or so Gail seemed to ease. The hard line of her shoulders relaxed and she sighed, long and hard. Her head moved and turned away from Andy's neck, staring out across the room. "I love her Andy," she stammered, "I can't lose her."
Andy gripped onto her, wanting to provide as much comfort and reassurance as she could. "You won't. She'll be okay."
Gail's eyes fell shut. "You don't know that," she said quietly and as much as she knew no one could promise that, that nothing was for certain all she had right then were Andy's words and she chose to find comfort in them because she wanted to. She needed to. She needed to cling onto something and Andy's words were all she had.
Andy pulled back and Gail just looked at the floor. "Gail there are no guarantees, but I know she loves you and she's strong." Andy was having a tough time keeping it together but she tried as best as she could. "Believe in her, and you'll never lose her."
It seemed to keep Gail calm for the moment and they shared something. A look, a certain understanding and then again it all went to pieces. Gail's eyes glossed over, her jaw quivered, her expression gave in and she buried her face into Andy's shoulder. She wept again, and Andy held her tight, gripping at her shoulders and her lower back.
Andy felt her own chest shake and she wasn't sure if it was from what she was feeling or from the power of Gail's sobs. Andy shared in her pain as she remembered Sam, remembered how she felt as he lay there, the idea of all she could possibly lose and the anguish of not knowing. It was horrible and so she tried to help sooth it all away with caring words and gentle touches but she knew it was pointless, but she did it all the same.
"She'll be okay," Andy whispered, tears now coming to her, too. "She will. She'll be okay."