A/N: Musicallady1 (Dorthea) was my best friend and she was the only friend that I had. I met her through this website because of our mutual affection for Bleach. We later found out that we only lived a few hours apart and we became instant friends.
I have always related to Rangiku. Sure, a little of it has to do with my strawberry blonde hair and my blue-green eyes. Most of my relatability through emotion. I had a family that didn't want me. I consider myself an emotional orphan. I spent most of my youth feeling like a stray cat that everyone wanted to pet but never keep. I lived in a toxic family environment until Musicallady1 helped me find the strength to leave my toxic environment and finally stand my ground. It was scary because I have Multiple Sclerosis and I was very sick at the time. She understood because she had Congestive Heart Failure.
She came to stay with me on my first weekend at my new place. While watching Bleach, we ate dinner while sitting on my couch. I'll spare the details but she died on that couch from a Pulmonary Embolism. The hardest thing I have ever done was to call her mom and tell her that her baby has passed.
It was hard. I was alone again. I had no one. I was consumed with grief. How could life be so cruel? I would watch the seconds tick by and it was agonizing. There was no one to check in on me. I felt like Bridget Jones and I was just waiting to die only to be discovered 3 weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs. I stopped writing and watching Bleach. Everything reminded me of what I had lost. I just couldn't move on.
A few months after Dorthea's passing, I met up with an old boyfriend of mine. He said he was sorry for my loss. We had spent our early 20s, unable to make a relationship work because he wouldn't stay while I was involved with my toxic family. He came off as abrasive and I honestly thought he was a jerk. I wondered why he hung around me anyway. I felt like he didn't care about me at all sometimes when his harsh words would slice through my heart. It wasn't until the second round that I realized that his stoic façade was hiding something. He truly loved me. Sound familiar? I supposed I will always be a hot mess of insecurity. He is all I have and I pray I never have to lose him. There is a cap on how much one person can suffer in a lifetime, right? RIGHT? We have been married 5 years and we have one beautiful daughter. Some days she is the only thing that keeps me going.
I have been missing Dorthea like crazy this week. I decided to continue this fic in her honor. I wrote a lot of the fluff for her. I try to make these shorts as real as possible. I wrote a dissertation a few chapters back about pairings. This fic is not pairing specific. This is her life as a whole and how I think Rangiku feels and how she will end up. Gin was her past. This chapter is about reflection and grief so they are mostly about him. Sorry, no bubbly stories this time but they are coming. There may be spoilers but come on… I have been living under a rock for the last 6 years and even I know what went down. Become enlightened. Lol. Shocker!
BTW…I don't own the characters, only the stories within…like you didn't already know.
The Purple Vial
It was a beautiful day so I decided to take my studies outside. The sun was shining high in the sky and the butterflies were meandering in the garden. I sat down at a picnic table in the courtyard. It was the beginning of my second year at the academy. I had to push myself even harder as Gin had already finished school and was starting his career. I was left behind. Failure at this point was not an option. I had to keep my pace. I had to evolve.
My eyes were straining as a result of all of the reading I had been doing. I put on my reading glasses and read under the sun while I chewed on my shoulder length hair. I was happy at that moment.
"Wow, how studious you look out here under the sun. Are those glasses for real or only a part of your ensemble?"
His voice shattered my concentration. I sat up taller and brushed my hair out of my mouth. I knew he didn't like me but I wasn't sure why. I thought I could just float under his radar but here he was speaking to me. It was unnerving.
"Captain Aizen, sir, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?" I asked as he sat down next to me. He was a little too close for comfort. He was intimidating.
"I have been watching you, you know," he said in a hushed, condescending tone. His face struggled to hold his smile.
"Oh?" I wondered aloud. I was unable to hide my piqued curiosity.
"You know, you really are more beautiful than the rumors would suggest. You have the ability to light the desires of just about all of my male students. Beauty is power, Rangiku." He leaned into me. The tension made me uneasy as I stared into his eyes. "So is knowledge. A beautiful woman with knowledge is damn near formidable. She can make even the most intelligent men waiver. I have seen geniuses fall at the hands of a beautiful woman. A power so dangerous should not be wielded by someone like you." I lowered my gaze. I could no longer look at him in the eyes. Shame consumed me and my cheeks burned at the embarrassment. I was in too much shock for the words to really sink in and I made no reaction. His statements were like slow moving missiles. I knew the explosion of pain was coming but I was powerless to do anything but sit there, suspended in time.
"Spending time with Gin will not make you smarter. I mean, don't get me wrong; I think it is cute how you followed him here like a lost little kitten. If you remain here you will break him and while he can't make you any smarter, you will certainly cripple his intelligence. He has a real chance to be someone. We both know that you'll never amount to anything. Why don't you drop out of school and go back to where you came from. Don't you think you owe him that? You will only hold him back."
I sat there in silence watching a butterfly land on a beautiful red rose. If only I could have turned into a butterfly at that moment. I could have flown away.
"What's that? Cat got your tongue, Rangiku? It doesn't matter? Leave here. You do not fit in here. Just remember when your beauty fades and you lose the will to live there is always this…" He placed a purple, heart-shaped vial in my hand. "This poison will stop your heart instantly. Go ahead and drink it now. I am sure no one would miss you. Gin would move on quickly. Oh, and just as an FYI, if I have to tell you again I will not be so merciful." I squeezed the vial in my hand as he walked away as mysteriously as he came.
When he was out of sight I gathered my things and I ran to my dorm room and locked the door. I was alone. I burst into tears and my glasses shattered as I threw them against the wall. I took a deep breath and opened the vial. He was right. I am worthless and no one wants me. I belong in the gutter. Sometimes, I think it would have been better if Gin would have just let me die. Who does my existence benefit? No one. I am a joke and it was time for the punch line.
I put the vial up to my lips but I couldn't follow through. I didn't really want to die. Things were beginning to change. Things were finally starting to get better. I really wanted to see what I was capable of accomplishing. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head. My physical needs were met. Despite his warnings, I didn't want to give up my companion. I wouldn't break Gin. I would never do anything to hurt him.
With a loud sigh, I closed the vial. I wrapped it in a handkerchief and placed it in my bra drawer. I sobbed for the next three hours and I weighed the pros and cons of my dilemma. I decided to stay and prove him wrong. I was going places and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me. I am not sure where all of this inner strength came from. I hoped that I didn't live to regret staying but if I did there was always the purple vial…
The Taste
I don't sleep well. At night I am afflicted by the involuntary regurgitation of my collective grief and self deprecation. My thoughts race faster and faster and the room begins to spin. This sadness is omnipresent and it threatens to suffocate the core of my being. Why am I such a mess? When will this pain subside? Can I ever forget the misery of my childhood?
During the day I fill myself with distractions. With a smile on my face I pretend I am not tattered and torn. No matter what I do, I cannot fill this giant void in my heart. Like a black hole, it pulls at my life force and threatens to devour me whole. I began my life in darkness. I wasn't a concern to anyone. There would be no one to remember me and no one to worry if I didn't come home. Life was simple. I only knew sadness, it was my constant. I was a tumble weed in the wind. I floated through existence with misery as my only companion.
I had accepted death and I was ready for it. I had given up. I let the darkness consume me. I never expected a hero would stumble upon me. He was my beacon in the dead of night. That day I learned of compassion and I had my first taste of love. He took care of me and he stripped me down to the ugly core of my soul. He saw the rawness of my heart and who I truly am and he didn't run. Instead he held on tighter and refused to let go. I allowed happiness to seep in through my skin. It was as foreign as the touch of his hand on my cheek.
My sadness melted away and formed a new obsession, fear. Now that I had tasted the beauty of unconditional love I was terrified to lose it. In my mind I had always been a leaf blowing in the wind. I couldn't handle it if he released me to the mercy of the wind again. He had a strange power over me but I didn't care. I would submit to him as long as he didn't let go. I was happy to be his little fool.
He began to disappear, days at a time. My heart sank as I told myself that he must have come to his senses. It was logical. This relationship didn't seem fair. What was he getting out of it? What did I have to offer? It was love by proxy. He was all give and I was all take.
He'd return to me and act as if he had never left. The relief of his return was a punctuated high. I could float for days. He dismissed my concerns with a kiss, every single time. Oh, the power of his kiss put me under a spell. I would temporarily forget my fears. They didn't matter. They were in the past. Had they ever been there at all. I had him all to myself at that moment. The rest of the world fell away. At night, we'd snuggle together by the fire to keep warm. He'd whisper to me all of his plans for us "one day." Oh, I didn't dare to dream. I had no right to get lost on cloud 9.
This involuntary surge of emotion wouldn't dare attack me when he was awake. It waited at the base of my belly for the sound of his light snore. The epicenter of my pain was in the core of my heart. My insecurities erupted like an earthquake, sometimes rattling my teeth. I couldn't hold the tears inside. They would drip from my eyes like little soldiers announcing the battle within. I was so consumed with the thought of losing him that I couldn't enjoy these little moments. I would get lost in my sea of sadness and injustice for hours. I did my best not to make a sound but I knew that he knew. Nothing got past him. He'd grip my waist and crush me against his body and make sweet promises that warmed my heart and made me blush. "No one will hurt ya again," he'd say. He was so fierce and devoted. How did I get so lucky?
I later found out that his rule did not apply to him. I didn't care. He gave me a taste and now I was addicted. I was at the mercy of his love. He controlled my famine. He controlled my feast. He controlled my taste.
The Meaning of Death
I absolutely love what I do. I didn't expect to experience so much satisfaction when I began my journey many years ago. I was looking for an escape from my hard knock life but I gained so much more than I bargained for. I am thrilled that I am able to give others peace, even if I cannot find peace for myself. I enjoy the ability to be a butterfly on the wall. I wanted to help other souls but they were unaware that I even existed.
Field missions are my favorite. I love having the ability to place departed souls to rest, especially children. Sometimes, it is hard to watch the lives of children slip away. The life that should have been will never be realized but there is a glimmer of hope for these souls in the soul society. I absolutely despise watching their mothers scream for their babies. No one should ever have to bury their child. If only I could bring peace to the parents left behind as easily as the dearly departed.
I was on assignment in the world of a living when I was just out of school. It was a 6 month beat assignment and I knew my territory well. Sometimes, I would wait with people dying of illness and hold their hands as the life drained from their bodies. One evening, I noticed that a young girl with cancer was about to pass on. Her energy was black and weak. She wouldn't make it through that night. I sat with her and stroked her hair. I tried to bring her as much comfort as I could. I would wait for her until she was ready.
She had beautiful brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. She was no more than 6 years old. The doctors had allowed her to go home to rest in her own bed. She would pass on in the presence of her loved ones. I watched the life in her eyes fade quickly.
"It's going to be ok sweetheart," I reassured as I brushed a finger on her cheek and she opened her eyes. I always tried to bring comfort to souls during their transition even thought I knew they could not hear me or see me. I would be there. Imagine my surprise when she spoke to me.
"Who… Who are you? Are you my angel?" She asked happily. The weakness in her voice rattled my heart.
I smiled at her and said, "No, sweetheart. I am not an angel. I am waiting to help you pass on when you are ready. You are not going to be alone."
Her mother entered the room and the little girl excitedly told her about my presence. She was so relieved that she wasn't going to die alone. I was there to guide her soul through this transition. "She's so beautiful, Mommy, can't you see her? She smells like fresh roses. You don't have to be afraid. She is going to take care of me. I am going to find peace."
I watched as her mother's eyes welled up with tears. Her heart was breaking. Her baby was slipping through her fingers at only 6 years old and I would be there to catch her. This little girl was showing unbelievable courage and strength for her age. It was awe inspiring.
"Shhh… You need to rest. Close your eyes. You don't need some lady to stay with you, Mommy is right here. I will be here with you. I am not going anywhere."
It was obvious that her mother thought that her daughter was hallucinating. It was the end after all. The mother stayed with her baby girl all night and so did I. It was around 1:00 a.m. when the little girl opened her eyes again.
"Mommy, please take care of my puppy. I am ready to go now. Please don't cry for me. This is how it has to be. I am not afraid. I am not going to be in pain anymore. Be happy for me." What a gentle, innocent soul. She was more concerned about her puppy than her own life. The mother began crying hysterically. I placed a hand on her shoulder. I hoped that I could project some comforting energy onto her.
"Oh, honey, your puppy is in good hands. I love you so much. I am so proud to be your mommy."
The little girl reached out for both her mother and I. I held one hand while her mother held the other.
"I am going to hold your hand the entire time. It's like going to sleep. When you wake up the chain that links your soul to your body will be broken and you won't be in pain anymore. Then I will help you continue your journey.
She looked at me and then her mother and smiled. "Oh, Mommy, please don't cry. Be happy for me. The beautiful lady says that I am not going to be in any more pain. I love you."
With her last words she closed her eyes and she stopped fighting. She was able to submit to her death with bravery. I watched as her soul exited her body and she stopped breathing. She looked at me with wide eyes.
"You're real!" She said with excitement. "I can move and I don't feel any pain."
"I am quite real," I reassured her. "Are you ready to play in the Soul Society?"
She looked at the spectacle. Her mother was screaming for her baby as she rocked the now empty body.
"Yes, beautiful lady. My mommy will only be able to move on if I move on."
"I'm Rangiku. You are a very brave little lady. I am very proud of your selflessness. You will find peace in the Soul Society. No one deserves peace more than you. You will enjoy this new phase of your existence."
I drew my sword and the little girl stood brave and tall.
"This may tickle."
I placed the hilt of my sword to her forehead and in an instant she found her peace. After she was gone I put my blade away. I let out a sigh and walked to where the grieving mother was sitting. She was rocking her baby silently. I was compelled to reach out and give her a hug. "She is fine now," I whispered in her ear. With that I turned to go. The mother froze and stopped rocking the empty body.
"I smell…roses. It is true, isn't it? You're real, beautiful lady?" She asked to the air. "Thank you, for giving my child peace." I returned to the mother and I kissed her on the cheek. I knew she could feel me instantly because she touched the location of my kiss. I wanted to bring her swift comfort. If only I had the power to do so.
I am not sure I understand the meaning of life but I do understand death. There is beauty in helping others move on, especially children. Everyone deserves that at least. I am still waiting.