I missed April Fools' day. By a lot. I'm talking above an entire month by now.
I don't normally miss April Fools' day as that day gives me an excuse to write the stupidest shit I can think of, but uh... problems arose that made me forget about it. Here's a bunch of short joke stories to make up for it. Granted some of these may not actually be jokes but enjoy them regardless. I had fun writing it at least.
Your Standard Low Effort Smexual Good Stuff
Okay, so like our story on the BattlePC, right? And then uh... um, you know how like it's Steam 'n shit and we got like all the series on it? Well one day, some crazy shit happened on the BattlePC. Gaben wasn't there as he was doing IRL stuff. So it started when the super cute Neptune from Hyperdimension Neptunia nepped into the BattlePC with all of her friends.
"Wow, so many people from things and stuff I never know." Derped one of them, I dunno, pick one.
"Hey faggot." Claptrap from Borderlands rolled up to the girls. "I think you're fockin' cute."
"Why thank you, frend!" Nep nepped, patting the robot's eye.
"Yeh." He said before rolling away to fuck off and get drunk.
Her spirits super up high, she ran up to a random group of character to introduce herself. That being Team Fortress, Team RWBY, and some other characters. "Hi! Want to be friends?"
"Yeah." They answered all at once.
And so they all happily became friends and hung out with each other. For like twelve minutes, as all Hell broke loose in the BattlePC. It began when they were having a poker tournament between several different characters. Dallas from PAYDAY lost this tournament, and he got like super pissed.
"I'm super pissed." He repeated after me like a good guy. Then without warning, he got his gun out and shot Commander Shepard in the face as he was next to him.
"Oh. I'm dead." Shepard said before getting out of his seat and calmly laying down on the floor, dead.
Dallas committed a crime so severe that it triggered every single Counter-Terrorists came down on his position so hard that it was like a literal flood of bodies flowing into the poker room and washing everything away. All the AWPers fucking put like eight thousand headshots into Dallas' body and he fell to the floor, bleeding out.
"AHHHHHHH I NEED A MEDIC BAG!" He screamed, despite not having a head anymore.
"We gotchu fam." Said the whole PAYDAY crew as they came in and fought the CTs. This triggered the Terrorists from Counter-Strike though, and they joined the PAYDAY crew against their ancient enemies. Terrorists were running around with the bombs, having no idea what to do with them as they couldn't find any big red circled X's to plant them in. Then eventually, the operators from Rainbow Six got involved to as they got so mad at the Terrorists for not knowing what to do with the bomb that they were going to plant the bomb themselves.
"Wow this is pretty cool." Ruby said, eating popcorn with her friends while the other characters on the BattlePC just watched the fight go down as they were neutral.
"Do you know what would be even cooler?" Said Neptune. Not even waiting for a response, she used her Stand. "ZA WARUDO!" All time froze, and Neptune laughed evilly as she was an evil little nugget this whole time. "HAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT I WAS NEPTUNE, BUT IT WAS ME! EVIL NEPTUNE!"
"That's where you're wrong, guy..." Claptrap rolled up to her, all drunk and not frozen like everyone else.
"N-NANI!?"
"That's right motherfucker." Claptrap's little robot arm tapped his eyeball, and his robot body unfolded and collapsed into a little cube. That's it. Literally nothing else happened and Evil Neptune was just looking at it in confusion. "I can transform into a cube exempt from time and space."
"Huh... okay." She shrugged, raising her foot and crushing the cube like a soda can.
"Damn." Claptrap cursed as he died, but robots aren't actually alive so I guess he's fine.
"That was easy. Now to do evil things!" Evil Nep laughed like a villain because she was one and liked to do evil things. So her first evil act was to pat the head of all the frozen people here, but before she can do that, someone attacked her with a stand.
"ORA!" Someone shouted as she got punched in the face so hard, the physics engine was unable to process the speed she travelled and so it looked like she teleported across the BattlePC with a bloody nose. Time suddenly resumed and the fight between those other guys continued.
"Yare yare daze, motherfucker..." Ruby sighed, her stand Rose Platinum next to her. "No more Jojo references."
"Okay friend!" Evil Nep nepped happily, putting her stand away. "Hey we should fight. Like, all of us should! It's going to be fun!"
"Sure." She shrugged, unfolding Crescent Rose and deciding to shoot a round at Tachanka from Rainbow Six for no reason. His armor was too stronk and it fucked right off right before hitting him as it didn't want to hurt himself, and the Russian looked at Ruby angrily.
"тача́нка." He said, rolling his DP-28 to fill Ruby full of holes, upsetting her.
"Ah, I got shot." She whined.
"No fucking shit, moron." Tachanka said, continuing to fill her with more bullets.
Right right right, so more of this went on, just a lot of fighting, a bunch of characters died, and the fight ended once everyone got bored.
That is the end of that story. I have spent five centuries writing this. This is the pinnacle of human evolution. The apex of all writing.
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Hungry Nora = Scary Nora
"Nora, have you seen my weapons?" Ren asked his best friend, Nora Valkyrie, who was sitting in their dorm room watching TV. For whatever reason, she didn't turn to look at him or give any sign that she heard him at all, only continuing to watch the TV. Though, strangely there was nothing on the TV. It was turned on, but it was just a blank white screen with nothing interesting on it.
"...Nora?" Ren said warily, getting a little spooked about this highly unusual-
"Yes, Ren?" He heard Nora's voice say, but it didn't sound like it came from the girl sitting on the couch. It sounded more like it came from everywhere at once like the voice of a disembodied ghost.
"Uh... have you..." He paused, beginning to feel real uneasy. "...Have you seen my weapons?"
"I am your weapons, Ren." She answered, but this time the direction of the voice was to his left, and there were the dual pistols of Stormflower lying on the counter. Blinking his eyes as disbelief as he swore they weren't there a second ago, as well as that super strange answer Nora gave him...
"Thank you..." Ren said, grabbing his weapons quickly as he had a suspicion that being here any longer than necessary will end badly for him.
"I can taste your fear, Ren." Nora said again, but this time it came from where she actually was. Shooting his head back to look at her, Ren suppressed the urge to run when he saw she had finally turned to face him. She had a sweet smile on her face, but considering what's happening now there must be something inconceivably dark underneath it. "I am your fear, Ren."
"Y-yeah... you really are." He agreed as that was obvious, beginning to sweat a bit as this was getting too creepy even for him. Without further delay, he turned back and walked as fast and as calmly as he could to the door to leave her presence. He placed a hand on the doorknob, opened the door, and let out a scream of utter horror at seeing who was waiting for him on the other side.
"There is no leaving me, Ren." Nora said, the smile remaning unchanged despite Ren's outburst.
Continuing to scream in terror as there was something very VERY wrong with Nora, Ren ran the complete opposite direction and hoped to jump out the window. That hope was dashed when his own weapons flew off of him and tripped him as they swept past his feet. He hit the floor with a loud thud, and flopped around hastily to see that his weapons were hovering above him, but there was something different about them...
"I told you, Ren. I am your weapons, Ren." His weapons both said in Nora's voice, Ren's heart dropping as he saw there were little stickers of Nora's face on the slides of his pistols, and they were moving! "There is no escaping me, Ren." All the Nora's said in the same disembodied voice.
"N-nora! What is happening to you!?" He cried.
"There is nothing happening to me, Ren." The Nora's answered all at once, the couch Nora standing up to join in on this. Then, to his unspeakable horror, he watched as the Nora's began MULTIPLYING! They multiplied so quickly that they filled the entire room in only thirty seconds, and all of them had the same menacing smile of innocence.
"You liar! T-there is something wrong with you! Whatever i-it is, stop it! You're scaring me!" Ren shouted, curling himself into a ball and screaming in terror as they all took a step closer to him in perfect synchronization.
"There is nothing wrong with me, Ren." They all said at once, taking another synchronized step toward him. "I am your friend, Ren." They said, another synchronized step forward. "You shouldn't be afraid, Ren." Yet another step taken, causing Ren's heart to beat faster as he was rapidly losing personal space.
All the Nora's opened their mouths together to say another thing, but then... their stomachs growled, causing all of them to look down at their bellies. For the first time since he's seen it, the smiles all dropped and were replaced with a surprised look. Ren, while still afraid, sat there awkwardly for a bit as the Nora's remained still, looking at their bellies.
"I'm hungry, Ren." Nora said in a whimper. Without warning, they all pounced on top of him at once and yelled out a phrase that always breaks the poor boy when he hears it...
"MAKE ME PANCAKES, REN!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OKAY NORA! I'LL MAKE YOU PANCAKES!" He screamed in the purest most genuine shriek of terror one can ever hear in their lifetime. Then out of nowhere, all the Nora's disappeared instantly like in the blink of an eye, leaving only one happy Nora left.
"Thank you, Ren!" The apparently real Nora cheered, giving him a hug and lifting him up to his feet. "You're my bestest friend, Ren!" She beamed.
Ren didn't say anything, his face completely devoid of any emotion as he realized what just happened. It happened again... That awful traumatic experience that happens whenever Nora is hungry and is in need of sustenance in the form of pancakes. Deciding not to question it, he wordlessly went into the kitchen to make some pancakes, much to her absolute joy.
A Horrible Alternate Multiverse
WARNING: TACTICAL CRINGE INBOUND!
Welcome to Beacon Academy!
Except... this wasn't the Beacon Academy that you and I are familiar with. Where standard Beacon Academy is a place to train huntsmen for the world of Remnant, this version of Beacon Academy trains warriors from all across the myriad spectrum of worlds in the Void. How did this all come to be? Allow me to explain a fairly standard plot for most battle academy anime except not really since this is really pushing it.
Five years ago, the Great War Of The Void was fought when various Japanese visual entertainment companies discovered how to travel the Void and built vast fleets of voidships to establish control over the Void. However, these companies weren't content with sharing the Void despite how it is literally infinite, and violence soon escalated into a secret war of enormous proportions completely unknown to the people of Earth. Enormous fleets of voidships fought each other over every world owned by these companies, and this would continue for a few months until the companies realized that none of them had the economic power to sustain any long wars.
Then, an American entertainment company called Roosterteeth created an animesque show called "RWBY". Great debates on Earth rose up whether RWBY was truly an anime and not, and it got so bad that it threatened to end in total annihlation of humanity on Earth as the fans got more and more violent in their arguing. Seeking to save the world and end these dangerous debates, the Japanese companies all signed a truce and declared war on Roosterteeth, going after their properties with RWBY being the main target of the invasion. Roosterteeth built up their own fleet of voidships, but they can only last so long against the overwhelming combined force of all these Japanese companies coming down on them.
In basically no time at all, Roosterteeth was utterly crushed in the war and was forced to accept the terms of surrender. The terms were simply that Roosterteeth handed over RWBY to these companies and kept control of all their other properties, but they had to pay 25% of all money earned to the Japanese.
Upon acquiring RWBY, the Japanese actually didn't know what to do with it. None of the companies could decide which one should handle the series, and the debates went on for about a month until they all came to an agreement. Instead of leaving RWBY to one company, why not all the companies?
With that said, it was agreed that under the guidance of all the companies, so much anime, manga, and Japanese game influence will be pumped into RWBY that it is completely unrecognizable from how we know it. Soon, RWBY became so anime-like that the debates ended completely as it pretty much was a true anime at this point. It wasn't even called RWBY anymore as it was replaced with a name that was so Japanese that I couldn't type out the full title in English words because it would be too long.
The world was saved. All thanks to a bunch of Japanese companies secretly defeating Roosterteeth in a Void war.
Oh right, and what is this alternate RWBY like? Well... let me just show you instead of telling you.
"KYAAA! You got my clothes all dirty, Setsuna-chan!" Shrieked a distressed, Ikuko, both girls being students of the prestigious battle school known as Beacon Academy where teenagers go to learn how to fight monsters to protect the world. Here they can master a variety of skills that cater to their liking. Skills such as piloting mechs, military hardware, magic, superpowers, and many others.
"Whoopsie~... looks like you're gonna need to take your shirt off then!~" Drooled the really pervy girl known as Setsuna, her grubby fingers twitching as she closed in on her friend.
"A-ah!? NO! St-stop! That tickles!" Giggled Ikuko as Setsuna slipped her shirt off, attracting a crowd of boys with cameras surround her, all their noses bleeding as they watched Setsuna fondle her friend.
Okay... I think that's enough of that. That single glimpse may give you a pretty good idea what this alternate Remnant is like. I dare not go any further into the details as my fucking balls will fall off from shrinking in cringe, my guys.
(...)
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to all the hapless anime as fuck inhabitants of alternate Remnant, an enormous curb stomp of a battle was occuring in the Void outside the portal leading to their world. The entire fleet composed of thousands of voidships from the combined Japanese companies engaged a hostile force that attacked them for seemingly no reason.
The motherfucking BattlePC Expeditionary Force. Gabe Newell has come to put a stop to this damn heresy...
It didn't matter how powerful or how many of the voidships there were, they stood no chance of winning of the battle as the BattlePC and its massive escort fleet comprised of ships from the many series on the platform. Upon cleaning out the enemy fleet and sending their asses back to Japan, the fleet remained outside of the alternate Remnant portal.
"Lord Sir Gabus Newellian. What is the reasoning for coming to this world?" A nondescript Space Marine from Warhammer 40K asked the savior of PC gaming. He and many other characters gathered in the massive war room of the BattlePC where huge flatscreen monitors displayed scans of alternate Remnant.
Gabe Newell gave no answer and simply pressed a button. The pushing of this button led to all the monitors of the BattlePC to show scenes taking place within the world as they spoke, and the images horrified them. Scenes from the most lowest common denominator ass cheapest assembly of Japanese anime tropes all forced into one of the worst anime ever seen, and among them were Setsuna fondling Ikuko's breasts... That is, from a technical standpoint it's really bad. This alternate RWBY is so popular despite its flaws that it has completely overtaken the Japanese entertainment industry and is the hottest thing in the world.
"Dear Emperor..." The Space Marine gasped, somehow feeling dread at seeing something so awful. "WHAT KIND OF SLAANESHI FAGGOTRY IS THIS!?"
"You know what this means..." Said an emotionless Gabe, himself feeling absolutely awful at seeing this.
"EXTERMINATUS!"
"No..." Gabe said, causing the Space Marine to look at him and wonder what else he could possibly have in mind. "An exterminatus will destroy all the money in that world..."
"Then what do you suggest, my lord?"
"What else?" Gabe grinned, brandishing his legendary Banhammer. Turning to face the crowd of assembled BattlePC members who volunteered to take part in this, he began his speech. "I thank you all today for coming, though I have to apologize for showing this fucking disgusting garbage. Seriously, I really am sorry." He apologized with all sincerity. "But as you can see here, this trash must be destroyed. Not only is it literally making anyone who watches it devolve into simple-minded cavemen, but it is also making me lose money because people are more interested in this shit than motherfucking Steam sales!"
The entire crowd gasped in disbelief. How can anything be more popular than Steam sales? Let alone this!?
"So as President of Valve, I ask all of you who volunteered to come with me down into that world and take as much money as we can!" The crowd didn't have much reaction to that. No enthusiasm, no nothing. Just silence. "... AND THEN WE'LL DESTROY IT!"
"YEEEEAAAAH!"
(...)
"Geez Setsuna, why did you have to squeeze my boobs that hard, huh?" Whined Ikuko as she and her pervy friend walked to class.
"Ah well, it's not my fault that your boobies are so fun to grab.~" Snickered the girl, causing Ikuko to blush. Then without warning, a rather fat white man with a grey beard slammed into the ground in front of them, landing perfectly on his two feet despite hitting the ground with so much force that it sent a shockwave throughout the entire planet.
"Whoa! Who are you?" Ikuko asked, seemingly not as afraid as she really should be. The man had no response. He merely glared menacingly at the girl as a large yellow hammer materialized in his right hand. Noticeably, it had the English word "BAN" written on the head in big black letters.
"BEGONE, THOTS!" Gaben screamed with primal fury, swinging his hammer at them so fast that they didn't even know they got attacked. Contact with a swing from the banhammer leads to the target instantly disappearing and banished into the Void, unable to return to the world they were banned from.
Then from the heavens, hundreds of portals opened up as the invasion force poured in to cause untold havoc and destruction on this filthy world. In particular, a chapter of Space Marines unique to the BattlePC called "Gaben's Banners" landed in hundreds of drop pods for quick insertion into the battlefield, all of them more then willing to scrub this world free of heresy.
(...)
"Wow... glad I'm not a part of that..." Ruby said in disbelief, watching the battles on the world progress through a TV screen. She came to the BattlePC with her friends to hand out in this place and maybe even meet new people aside from Team Fortress, but they never thought they would get to witness a world invasion.
"And that place is supposed to be Remnant? Like, our Remnant but waaaaay different?" Said Yang as she still couldn't believe that part when she heard it. It didn't feel right at all looking at this other world. Sure it was an alternate Remnant, but even from someone not from actual Remnant was this place unpleasant to look at.
The group pasued and watched some of the live recordings of the battle on the surface, Gabe Newell effortlessly defeating every opponent who opposed him and his forces with a single touch from the Banhammer. Since the Banhammer banished those hit by it into the Void, warships and on-station defenses vaporized anyone whisked away from that world and into the Void.
"You know... I still have trouble understanding this. How does this place even exist if we're still owned by Roosterteeth?" Blake asked.
"Because..." Said Gaben from the screen, looking straight at it as if he heard what she said. "This is an alternate multiverse altogether, and I have crossed the Voidal gap between them to invade this one. Starting with this world!"
"PURGE THE HERETICS!" The Space Marines around him roared.
"Oh... okay then. He can hear us through the screen..." Trailed Blake, just as dumbfounded as everyone else.
"Yeah." Gabe nodded, continuing to slaughter the anime as normal.
"Wait, hold on a second... if this is an alternate multiverse... then does that mean this multiverse has their own version of the BattlePC?" Weiss wondered, causing Gaben to freeze.
Ignoring the attacks on his unstoppably flawless godly skin, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Oh my God..." He said under his breath. Just then, a massive object came out of hyperspace and appeared close to the BattlePC with is own escort fleet. That object was the Crunchyroll Super Dreadnought Computer, this multiverse's version of the BattlePC. Immediately, Gaben teleported all his forces out of alternate Remnant and back into the BattlePC, leaving the world in shambles.
"I won't give them the pleasure of existing any longer... DELET DIS!"
"Yes, milord. Commence firing procedures."
The starboard side of the BattlePC opened up to reveal it had a superlaser very similar in appearance to that of the Death Star's. Instead of several green beams coming together to form one super beam, this one simply charged up a mega yellow beam. This yellow beam was so powerful, that when fired at alternate Remnant it literally deleted the world. It wasn't that it was just destroyed, but more like it was deleted from all existence with any records of it or the characters within being totally gone.
"HA! DELETED!" Gabe laughed.
"You will pay for that, American BAKA!" From a screen, the image of a little ass anime loli with a pout appeared. She was extremely scantily clad...
"OH GOD! KILL THE FEED! KILL THE FEED!" A crewman screamed as they all averted their eyes from her so as to not go to jail.
"It's gonna be so sugoi when we destroy you all desu~" She giggled, causing Gaben to scoff.
"Pffft, as if little girl. I will stop you from leeching off my money!"
"Ara? I'm not a little girl you stupid gaijin! I'm a vampire empress and I'll have you know I'm 7000 years old!"
Gaben smashed the screen with the Banhammer after hearing that, well, technically banning the screen from the BattlePC but you get it. "ALL HANDS! MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS! WE SHALL REMOVE THE WEEB MENACE AND PROFIT FROM THIS MULTIVERSE AS WELL!"