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She'd decided to take the entire day off of work, and even though she knew it would be hard to explain her reasoning if the boss wanted to make a big stink over it, at this moment in time Olivia was too exhausted to care. She hadn't slept the night before, the morning had been emotionally draining, and now here she was, called up to the hospital because Libby's doctor wanted to talk to her. She prayed it was good news rather than bad, but the way things were going she didn't dare to hope.
She walked through the heavy glass doors and walked down the hall to toward the NICU. Painters were standing on ladders touching up the blue trim at the top of the wall and her usual path was blocked off, so she had to reroute down another longer hallway. It took her past the maternity ward, the solid wooden doors locked to protect the mothers and babies, and for a brief second she let herself think about her own time there…the one day she'd been allowed on that floor as a patient instead of just visiting someone else who had been blessed with a child to love…the day she'd lost her son. She should have begged them not to put her on the maternity ward with women who were giving birth to beautiful, healthy children…to keep her away from the cuddly little babies…but the doctor had said it was the safest place for her to go through the miscarriage…that the nurses there would be best trained in helping her through it…that she'd have her own room and wouldn't have to see any other patients during her stay, and Olivia hadn't had the strength to argue. The doctor had probably been right, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt being wheeled out to her waiting cab right behind a woman who was surrounded by the proud father and doting grandparents of the tiny pink bundle in her arms. With all the pain she'd been in, that moment hurt the worst.
"God, Olivia…" she mumbled to herself. "Stop this…" Having Elliot around the past few days had brought back a flood of memories she hadn't wanted to deal with now. She was happy….she had a great job and an adorable little boy…she had a life that deserved her full focus…the past was the past and she had to move on.
She finally made her way to the NICU and smiled when the nurse greeted her, "Go on in," she said. "The doctor is in with her."
Olivia pushed open the door and the doctor turned to look at her, a smile on his face. "I'm so glad you could come right away," he glanced toward the incubator where the baby slept, "She's doing do much better. No more tubes…and she's breathing on her own…"
"What?" Olivia asked, rushing to the baby's side. "How did that happen so fast?"
"Preemies are hard to predict," he told her. "She has good color and she's gaining weight. We wanted to try a bottle feeding, and that's why I called. I thought you'd want to do it."
"Really?" Olivia smiled. "I'd love to…" She was relieved when the social worker had called saying the judge agreed to give her temporary custody of Libby while Elliot went to treatment, but she hadn't expected the baby to take a turn for the better so quickly. She was beginning to wonder where she'd put her when she brought her home, but she knew she was getting ahead of herself.
"Sit down," the doctor said and Olivia sat in the chair next to the baby. Then the doctor lifted the top off the incubator and gently picked up the tiny girl, placing her in Olivia's arms. "I'll go get one of the nurses to bring her bottle," he smiled.
Olivia looked down at the baby and tears slid down her cheeks. "Hi Libby…" she whispered, and the baby stared at her with her bright blue eyes…her mother's eyes…Elliot's eyes, and for a brief moment she wondered if her little boy would have had those eyes, but she pushed the thought from her mind. "Sweet baby…I'm sorry you've had so much loss already…you don't deserve that…"
The nurse walked in with a small bottle and handed it to Olivia, "See if she'll take it," she said, leaning over them and Olivia put the bottle in the baby's mouth. The little girl seemed to understand what to do right away and Olivia and the nurse both laughed, "She has quite the appetite," the nurse teased. "We want to try to get her to take at least half of it. I'll leave you two alone, but call me if you need help."
When the nurse was gone, Olivia smiled at the baby, "You're gonna be big and strong by the time your grandpa gets home, aren't you?" she said. She sighed, "He loves you Libby…you're the only thing that's keeping him going right now. I'm so glad you're here…"
Noah was sleeping next to her, but she couldn't fall asleep. She kept thinking about Elliot, about his visit with the kids…and Kathy. They had to hate her and she didn't blame them, but she wished she could fix things. She wanted them to know Elliot wasn't going to rehab for her…he was doing it for them…for his family…and so he could take care of Lizzie's daughter. It had nothing to do with her…at least Olivia hoped it didn't. She lay back, patting Noah's back gently and staring at the beautiful gift she'd been given, taking in his scent of baby powder and lavender lotion. She loved this little boy more than she'd ever thought she could love another person and she hoped he'd always know that.
There was a soft tap at the door, so light that she barely noticed it until it happened again and she sat up. "Come in," she said, unsure why he was knocking on her door in the middle of the night, and she pulled the blankets tightly around her even though the cotton nightshirt and shorts she was wearing fully covered her. He stood there in front of her, not saying a word and she squinted to see him better having taken out her contacts and reaching for her glasses on the nightstand, "El…what do you need?" She asked, putting on her glasses and looking at him, vulnerable and weak in the doorway. "Are you okay?"
He walked in and nodded, "I just…I can't sleep…and I shouldn't be bothering you…I know that…" his voice rattled on and she stopped him.
"It's okay," she said, "Do you want to talk…or watch TV or something?"
He walked over to the bed and sat at the end, and she moved her feet over to make room for him. Suddenly he realized he should have asked before sitting on her bed in the middle of the night and he looked embarrassed, "Can I sit here?" he asked. "I don't want to disturb the baby."
Olivia glanced at her son, "He's fine…he's sound asleep." Then she looked back at Elliot, "What's wrong?"
"You're wearing your glasses," he said, as if that were the answer to her question. "You never used to wear them…I mean I never saw you wear them…"
"I didn't used to need them," she sighed. "Old eyes I guess…" she forced a smile. "You didn't come in here to talk about my glasses…"
"I can't get the picture out of my head," he said, his voice quivering. "From the burial…the casket…lowering into the ground…" he couldn't stop his tears from falling. "I'm never going to see her again…"
"Oh El," she leaned forward, putting her hand on his shoulder while he cried. "I'm so sorry…I can't even imagine…"
"She needed me…and I let her down," he cried. "I let everyone down."
"That's not true," she scooted down on the bed next to him and wrapped her arms awkwardly around him. "You are not letting the other kids down. You're going to get better so you can be there for them…and if Lizzie had told you what she was going through, I have no doubt you would've helped her. I know that."
"She was the only one who hadn't written me off," he sighed. "I was still paying her tuition…and the last time she came to get her tuition check I told her I didn't have all of it. I'd drank most of it away…but she told me even though I'd messed up, I could fix things by getting better and working on my relationship with Eli. That was months ago…probably before she knew she was pregnant…but maybe after the rape." He shook his head, "She didn't tell me…she tried to make me feel better about myself…and she didn't tell me that no-good prick had attacked her."
"El…when was this exactly?" Olivia asked him, something sparking her memory of the interrogation she'd done of Lizzie's boyfriend.
He shrugged, "I don't know…months…I've been too drunk to notice time for a while now."
"El, when you couldn't pay all of Lizzie's tuition…she got a job, right?" Olivia asked him.
"Yeah," he nodded. "At some restaurant as a waitress."
"Okay," she squeezed his hand. "Well, her boyfriend told me she was raped after she started working. He said she couldn't meet the professor during office hours, because she had to work to pay her tuition. So see…she hadn't been raped when she came to see you that day."
His eyes widened, "So…she wasn't hiding it from me that day?" he asked.
"No," Olivia shook her head, "It hadn't happened yet. And El, I know she didn't come to you when it did happen, but she was scared and she made that choice…for a lot of reasons. It wasn't only because of you. I was because of me too. She didn't come to SVU because of me. We made a mistake that tore your family apart…we made that mistake together…and you can't keep blaming yourself for it."
"But she was raped, Liv…" he exhaled sharply. "And she didn't tell anyone…she didn't tell me or Kathy about the baby…she died not knowing that I would have given anything to help her."
"She knows, El," Olivia held him close and he leaned into her, her pink shirt moistening with his tears. "She knows all you're doing now…I have no doubt in my mind about that. She knows you're gonna take care of Libby…"
He looked up at her, raising his hands to his face and wiping away the tears as best he could. "It's my fault she had to get a job too…God, I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself. My daughter is gone…and maybe it's not all my fault…but it sure as hell feels like I had a lot to do with it."
"I know it feels like that now," she said gently. "But someday…you're gonna look at Libby…and see what a good job you've done raising her…and you're gonna realize that you had a second chance to make things right…and you took it."
"You wanna watch TV?" he asked, and she knew he was scared to think too far in the future.
"Sure," she smiled and stood up from the bed. "You still like those cheesy old black and white movies?"
He laughed, in spite of how bad he was feeling and nodded, "Yeah…you still like Chinese food in the middle of the night? We can order some…perk of living in the city."
"Sounds good," she smiled. "I haven't had Chinese in ages." She picked up Noah, cradling him in her arms and he stirred but went back to sleep. "I'm gonna put him in his crib if we're gonna be out there. I'm scared he'll fall off the bed."
Elliot smiled, "You're a good mom, Liv. He's lucky."
They'd stayed up all night, and when the morning light shone through the windows the next day and Noah's wake-up cries filled the room, they looked at one another and knew they'd survived something hard, but the day ahead would be even worse. Once Lucy arrived to take care of Noah, Olivia helped Elliot pack his small bag with the few clothes he'd brought to her place and they climbed into her car. Neither of them speaking…neither of them knowing what to say.
She pulled the car into the parking lot of the treatment center, turning off the ignition and noticing Elliot made no attempt to move. She looked at him, "We're here…" she said.
"I know that," he sputtered, but then he calmed his voice, "I'm sorry…I just don't know how I feel right now. I'm scared…"
"What are you scared about?" she asked seriously.
He shrugged, "I'm scared I can't do this…I'm scared of how sick I'm gonna be…how painful it will be…I'm afraid it might not work and I won't be able to beat this. And I'm pissed," he yelled. "At myself for doing this…for becoming this person…when I knew what it was like…how much my dad hurt me with his drinking…how your mom hurt you…"
"El…" she began, but he stopped her.
"Don't…" he sighed, "Please…don't try to make me feel better, or say it wasn't my fault, or tell me I'll get through it. Just don't. I can't hear it…I need to go." He opened the door, grabbing his bag from the back seat and walking toward the entrance.
She jumped out of the car and ran after him, "Would you wait for me?" she asked.
He turned and looked at her, "No…I don't want you here. Go home. You don't belong here."
"Stop," she caught up with him, grabbing him and forcing him to look at her, "I do belong here. I want to help you…help you get settled and make sure you're okay."
He shook his head, "I'll list you as my emergency contact…so they'll call you and tell you how I'm doing. I promise…but Liv, I have to go in there alone. I got myself into this mess…and I have to face it on my own."
"You don't have to…" she felt the tears stinging her eyes and tried to blink them away. "You don't…"
"Don't cry…" his voice softened and he pulled her close, and before either of them knew what was happening his lips were pressed firmly against hers, and they both knew they should pull away but neither of them did, until finally he released his grasp and stared at her shocked face. "Can you go check on Libby today?" he asked, practically out of breath and recognizing the look of shame of confusion on her face. "Tell her I'm doing this for her…because I love her…okay?" She nodded, without speaking a word and he turned and walked toward the entrance, while she stood and watched him grab the handle and waited for him to walk in. Then he turned to her and called out, "And Liv…I love you too. I'm sorry I never said it before…but I always have. I want you to know that. I've always loved you." Then he disappeared behind the doors and she was all alone.
"You're such a good girl," Olivia cooed at the baby who had finished most of her bottle and was resting snugly in her arms. "Everyone is going to be so proud of you for working so hard to get strong and go home."
She heard the light creak of the door, and raised her head expecting to see the nurse, but she was surprised to see someone else. "Dickie?" she whispered.
He shook his head, "Richard…okay…I haven't been Dickie in ages." He fully opened the door, "Can I come in?"
She nodded, "Of course," and he walked over by her, looking down at the baby.
"She's pretty…" he whispered.
"Yeah…" Olivia smiled. "Do you want to hold her?"
He shook his head, "I don't think so…" he walked back and forth in front of her and Olivia couldn't tell what was going through his mind. "I knew…" he said, suddenly turning and looked straight at her. "About the baby…about the rape…I knew all of it and I never told Mom and Dad."
"Lizzie told you?" Olivia asked and he nodded. "She trusted you."
"I let her down," he sighed, "If I'd said something…"
"You didn't cause this," Olivia promised him, seeing more of Elliot in his son than she ever had before.
"Are you gonna keep her?" he asked, walking back over and running his finger along the baby's soft cheek. "If Dad doesn't get better? Are you gonna keep Libby?"
"I don't know," Olivia admitted. "I think your dad is going to get better. I know he is."
He shook his head, "I don't know if I can believe that." He sighed, "I want to."
"He wants to get better for you kids and for Libby," Olivia told him. "Trust me…he'll give it his all."
"Did Dad say you could have Libby to replace your baby?" he asked her. "Just tell me the truth…"
"No," Olivia insisted. "Di…Richard…I'm so sorry for everything…for what you saw that day…for breaking up your family…but your dad did not give me Libby. Social services was going to take her…I volunteered to take custody so he wouldn't lose her. I'm not trying to steal her from you…or your mom…any of you. I swear."
"Maureen and Kathleen were talking last night about trying to get custody of her…but Kathleen is still pretty unstable a lot of the time…and Maureen wants to have her own baby…" he sighed. "Neither of them think they can take on a sick child right now…I'd do it, but I'm stationed overseas. I'm leaving first thing in the morning…I just want her to be with her family."
"I know you do," Olivia understood. "And I promise you…when your dad gets better, he's going to take good care of her."
"My mom has cancer," the words escaped his lips and the shock of hearing them out loud made his eyes fill with tears.
"What?" Olivia asked. "Oh God…"
"That's why she didn't take her," he explained. "She found out the day you came to tell her Lizzie died…" he gave a weak snicker, "Talk about everything going to hell all at once."
"Richard, I'm so sorry…" Olivia didn't know what to say.
"She told us last night, after Dad left," he cried. "She's got a treatment plan in place…and the doctors think she can beat it…but with chemo and radiation…taking care of Eli…she can't take Libby too."
"Why didn't she say something?" Olivia asked.
"She was in shock…she didn't even know about the baby," he sighed, "And then she made the decision she thought would be best for her, giving her to a loving family, but Dad stepped up all of the sudden and said he wanted her…she didn't know how to deal with that."
"I don't blame her," Olivia said truthfully. "I wish she'd said something…"
"She didn't want Dad to know," he told her. "She thought if he knew…he'd try to use it to get Eli from her too…"
"He wouldn't do that," Olivia insisted. "Besides, your mom is a good mother. No court would take Eli from her and give him to an alcoholic," hearing herself talk about Elliot that way was heartbreaking. "She has to know that."
"I think seeing you again sort of blurred her perception of the situation," he said honestly. "It's been hard for her Olivia. Dad cheated on her…and I think she could have accepted that because neither of them really loved each other anymore…I'm not sure they ever did…but it was with you…and she trusted you."
"I never meant for it to happen," she knew she could never explain. "I loved him so much…he was all I had for so long…and I let things go too far…I know it was wrong and it knew it was then too…but I was so sad and so lonely…If he hadn't left SVU I don't think we ever would have had the affair…it happened because I couldn't fill the void in my heart that he left when he walked out that day. I'm so sorry…"
"I know," he nodded. "You're both sorry…but it doesn't change what happened."
"I know that," she agreed, "But I promise you…I never wanted to hurt any of you."
"Do you still love him?" he asked and the look on her face told him everything he needed to know.
"I don't really know anymore," Olivia sighed, tears stinging her eyes.
"Do you love Libby?" he asked, and she smiled and looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms.
"Of course I do…" she smiled, "And I promise I'll love her with all my heart the entire time she's in my care. She's always going to be loved. And if you or your sisters or your mom want to see her, you can…any time. I want her to have her whole family."
He nodded, "I think I might want to hold her now," he said, and Olivia stood up so he could sit in the chair and placed the baby carefully in his arms. He stared down at her, his eyes full of tears and let the slow sobs escape his lips. He held her close, "Your mommy loved you little one," he quivered. "I miss her so much…" and Olivia knelt next to him while he clung to his niece and cried.
More to come...