A/N : I'm sorry I made you wait so long for an update, but here it is at last...
All your lovely reviews keep motivating me to continue this story. So I'll be really grateful if you could let me know what you think of this new chapter.
Dedicated to all the very, very patient Chryedians out there... ! Thank you for sticking by me...
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Christian smiled as he turned the key in the lock. He couldn't remember when he last had felt so happy about coming home. Behind this door was the man of his dreams. Syed. He was there, at home, waiting for him. Christian still felt like he had to pinch himself. Make sure he wasn't dreaming. Syed had chosen him. He couldn't count the number of times he'd repeated this to himself over the past few days.
Syed chose me. He chose me!
He had barely closed the door behind him, when Syed was all over him, enthusiastically flinging his arms around his neck, and hugging him tight.
"Welcome home, my love" he mumbled, before softly pressing his lips on Christian's. Without further ceremony, Christian dropped his shopping, and his hands circled around Syed's waist as he drew his body closer to his. Syed anchored his arms around Christian's neck, as their kiss intensified. It was long, seductive, intoxicating... Christian's hands roamed over Syed's body, as they moaned into each other's mouth. When the need for oxygen became critical, their lips parted reluctantly, but they still held on, their foreheads touching.
"Now that's what I call a welcome home" Christian grinned wickedly, affectionately rubbing their noses together.
"Well, I missed you, didn't I?" Syed whispered.
"I've only been away for 15 minutes" Christian chuckled. Seeing Syed rolling his eyes, he admitted "Okay, 20 minutes then"
"48 minutes, Christian" Syed corrected him. "You were away for forty-eight minutes". He pouted slightly.
Christian teasingly nudged his boyfriend. "48, eh? Keeping tabs on me now, are you?" He threaded his fingers into Syed's unruly hair and pulled him close again, pressing light kisses all over his face, before letting go and smiling into his eyes.
"Would it bother you if I was?" Syed asked with a mischievous grin.
Christian considered this. "Well... hmmmm...let's see..."
But his train of thought was interrupted when suddenly his eyes caught on something over Syed's shoulder and he pulled away in surprise.
"Sy..." he gasped in delight, as he looked around the flat, "what have you been doing?"
Syed smiled, and took Christian's hand in his, tugging him gently along to show him.
"I thought I'd better spend those 48 minutes in a useful way", he said. "I started yesterday, but got distracted ... remember?" he said with a twinkle in his eyes.
Christian looked around in awe and felt a lump form in his throat. All the removal boxes were gone. Books, ornaments, cushions, photos... everything was unpacked and back in its rightful place. Even most of the artwork was back on the walls. The cold empty flat he'd planned to leave behind only a few days ago, was now again a home... filled with all the fabric of his life... the fabric of their lives, he corrected himself, as his gaze slowly moved around the room, to finally end on his boyfriend's expectant face. Syed was watching him intently, gauging his reaction, waiting for him to speak.
But Christian was speechless. He brought Syed's hand to his mouth and kissed it affectionately. With his other he reached out, and gently pushed away a lock of hair from Syed's face.
"Thank you" he whispered, when he finally found his voice back. "Thank you for making this place a home again"
"You're welcome" Syed said, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed at Christian's emotional reaction. "I really wanted to sort it before you got back. I wanted to surprise you. Not sure I put everything in the right place though. So if it's not..."
But Christian stopped his nervous ramble, by placing his fingers on Syed's lips.
"It's perfect, Sy" he said "It's just perfect! This is your home too. So you can put things wherever you want them..."
He stopped himself, and felt a slight tug at his heart when he realized that everything in this flat was his, and Syed had had to leave everything behind. Seeing his boyfriend's eyes clouding over ever so slightly, he knew the same thought had crossed Syed's mind. Tenderly he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in a tight embrace.
"Things are just things after all" he whispered softly, locking his eyes with Syed's. "You made this place a home, Sy, not just by putting the cushions on the sofa, or these silly frames on the wall... for which I'm very grateful, don't get me wrong... but you made it a home simply by being here."
Syed smiled and shrugged off the slight regret he'd felt. As usual, Christian had read his every thought. No one had ever been able to understand him quite as well as Christian did. He wasn't sure he understood himself quite as well as Christian did. He was right. Things were just things. He'd left behind many things before, he'd done it more than once, and each time he'd survived. This time, it would be more than just survival. He had so much more to look forward to, so much more to live for, to replace those things. He had a whole life ahead. A life filled with love. He had a home. The person he loved was here to share it with. Compared to all that, things really were not important.
They just stood there together for a little while.
Finally Syed nudged Christian. "So..." he smiled teasingly "I admit that I'm not very experienced at this sort of thing, but isn't it tradition that if one takes care of the household, that the other brings home the food..? So I do hope you have done your bit, mister... I'm quite hungry now, after all that hard graft!"
"Hungry, you said?" Christian whispered. With a dangerous flicker in his eyes, he lowered his head and captured Syed's lips with his again. Syed could do nothing but respond eagerly. He felt his legs begin to tremble and he went off balance momentarily, but Christian's strong arms held him tight.
"So what about breakfast?" he mumbled, when Christian finally released his lips to take a breath. With reluctance Christian let go. He framed Syed's face, slowly combing his hair back with his fingers, and smiled. "Now there's a man who's got his priorities sorted" he chuckled, "Okay... breakfast it is then"
Unable to resist, he pressed another quick kiss on Syed's lips, before he pulled back and collected the disregarded shopping bags from the floor.
0+0+0+0
When Christian had spotted the candles on the breakfast table, he'd laughed. Syed had felt self-conscious suddenly. A candle-lit breakfast… It had seemed a good idea at the time, when he thought back to their conversation the morning before, but now… it just felt cheesy and overly sentimental. But Christian had reassured him. He'd laughed and teased but there was that glimmer in his eyes that filled Syed's heart with joy. More moved by this special touch that he was willing to admit, Christian had pulled his boyfriend close again and whispered "I love it, Sy. It's brilliant"
So now they sat together closely, enjoying their first proper breakfast together. They were quiet, nothing was said, all they needed was each other... glances and smiles, and little touches, as they were silently savouring the feeling, the atmosphere, the food…
"So how're things 'round the Square then?" Syed finally asked casually. Too casually, Christian knew. "Are we still the talk of the town?"
Christian decided to keep the tone light. He smiled. "Well, Patrick did give me a few funny looks at the shop, but I'm not sure if it was the result of last night's rum, or if it was just plain jealousy …"
Syed laughed, but his eyes were weary. Christian plunged on.
"I also ran into Jane. We had a coffee"
"Explains the 48 minutes disappearing act, of course" Syed said. "What did she say?"
"She said she's very happy for us…" He took Syed's hand and squeezed "...for both of us"
"Jane's been very kind to me." Syed said quietly. "Even after everything I'd done, she was always kind…"
His voice trailed off. Christian waited. He knew the question Syed wanted to ask, but it was up to him to decide if he was going to ask it or not. He just held on to Syed's hand.
At last, Syed cleared his throat. "Did you… did you see... you know… You didn't see… them, did you?"
"No, my love, I didn't" Christian said kindly. "I didn't see your mum or your dad. But Jane has..."
Syed's head shot up, his eyes wide. "Wha.. what did they… ? How ..? " he couldn't continue.
"Jane said that your mum still looked very angry, but that your dad seemed more… upset than anything else… She hasn't really spoken to either of them."
He said it gently, affectionately rubbing his thumb over Syed's hand. There was no way of making this any easier. Syed had to know it all.
"And Lucy saw Amira leaving in a cab, shortly after you came to me… She's left the square. For good, it seems..."
Syed let out a trembling breath and lowered his eyes. "I hate what I did to her, Christian. Hurting her, and hurting you… , I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that…" He sighed.
"And as for my parents…" he shook his head in a gesture of complete helplessness.
"Why don't you tell me about it, Sy?" Christian urged. "Don't bottle it up, love…You don't have to deal with it all on your own, you know… "
"I know, Christian. I know…. I will tell you. It's just… "
His words were brutally interrupted by the sound of the buzzer.
Colour drained from his face, Syed looked up at Christian. "Are you expecting someone?" he asked, feeling a jolt of panic. Before Christian even had the time to respond, he nervously rambled on.
"What if it's dad? It could be dad… He said he'd come and talk to me… That he might… maybe..." he tried to steady himself, but the panic was unmissable.
"Christian... What if it's dad? What do I say to him?" his voice was barely a whisper now. He suddenly felt dizzy.
Christian got up and took Syed in his arms. "You just tell him the truth, Sy. If he's here, that must mean he's willing to listen. Just... tell him how you feel... be honest. That's all you can do... It's gonna be okay."
"You think so?"
"I'm sure of it. As long as you're honest, Sy, everything will be just fine. And I'm here. Whatever happens. I'm here. Besides... we don't know if it's your dad yet... it could be anyone... Don't get yourself all worked up, love"
Syed took a deep breath, just as the buzzer went again
"I suppose you'd better get that then" he mumbled, unable to hide the anxiety in his voice.
With one last tender caress Christian tried to wipe the worry from his lover's face, and reluctantly let go. He went to pick up the door phone, but his eyes never strayed from Syed's.
I love you, he mouthed, as he picked up and listened to the person at the other end.
0+0+0+0
"Yeah.. he is..." he answered "Sure... come on up" as he buzzed the caller in. He put the receiver back and looked at Syed. He could see the worry still etched on the other man's face, and tried to calm him with a reassuring smile.
"It's your brother" he said.
Christian saw an instant flash of panic cross Syed's face "Tamwar!" he gasped, and with that so familiar gesture of helplessness he dragged his hand through his dishevelled hair.
"Oh no... Tam... he doesn't know yet, he... I … I didn't tell him...!"
Christian grabbed Syed hand, and squeezed it affectionately.
"He does know, love. He's here... he knows"
"But... what will he say, what.. what am I going to say? I...I should have told him... he's going to hate me too, isn't he...?"
Christian pulled Syed close and wrapped his hands around that face he so cherished.
"Sweetheart, no one hates you. And trust me on this... Tamwar will not hate you either. I have every faith in your brother. He's a clever, down-to-earth sort of guy. It will be okay, I promise you... And whatever happens... I'm here."
Syed took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. Christian comforting voice, his warm touch and those beautiful eyes reassuring him with quiet confidence were a balm to his nerves.
"Will you stay with me?" he was barely audible.
"Of course I will, my love. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. But I don't want to intrude... so do tell me if you need some privacy..."
The knock on the door startled Syed. Christian ignored it, and instead pulled Syed tighter to his chest, gently rubbing his back in long comforting strokes. He could feel Syed's heart race in a nervous flutter. "Shhhhhh" he whispered soothingly "It's going to be okay."As the knocking grew more insistent, he gently let go of Syed, exchanged another reassuring look with him, and went to open the door.
Syed could feel his heart beat frantically. He turned away, and wrung his hands together, in a futile attempt to stop them from shaking. He had never expected that it would matter so much what his brother thought of him. Tamwar and he had never been best buddies, and he knew in his heart that that was down to him. He knew he'd never paid enough attention to his little brother. It was not because he didn't care. His own complicated life had absorbed him, and diverted his attention away from everything else. From everything that really mattered.
Tam and he had had their differences. No doubt about that. There had been plenty of envy and misunderstandings between them. But when it came down to it, they were brothers, good brothers, and he loved Tamwar with all his heart. No matter how thoroughly different they were.
Tam was geeky, clumsy ... but he was also funny – really funny - and intelligent. And loyal. And honest. And just like Christian said, Tam was down-to-earth. He said what he thought, and even if he was wooden and uneasy in his manners, he was always truthful, and had a knack of hitting the nail on the head. In that sense particularly, he was so different from him. Syed inwardly shook his head. He had spent most of his life being far too busy wearing his perfect son, golden boy persona... pretending... living a lie. He'd become a master in it, pulling the wool over everybody's eyes... No one had ever seen through it. Until Christian. Now it was time to show the real Syed to his brother. It was long overdue. And it made him nervous.
As he heard Christian opening the door, quietly welcoming Tamwar in, Syed took a deep breath and turned around.
The two brothers faced each other in silence, and Syed swallowed hard. It was the first time in days he'd seen anyone of his family, and part of him just wanted to walk up to Tamwar and put his arms around him. All his instincts told him to, but of course he didn't. Tamwar wasn't a touchy-feely sort of person and would probably not know how to react to such a sudden show of affection. And moreover, Syed had no idea what Tam thought of him right now. Nothing could be read from the expression on his face.
"Tam..." Syed finally managed "I'm so sorry..."
Tamwar's face didn't change. He just looked at Syed with that mild ironic expression in his eyes that Syed knew so well.
"What exactly are you sorry for Syed?" he said at last.
His voice sounded kind, but there was a hint of hurt in it.
"For being gay?"
Tamwar never wasted any time beating about the bush.
Syed swallowed, he felt unable to speak.
"I mean... you are gay... aren't you?" Tamwar insisted "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"
Christian was watching the scene from the other side of the room. He could almost physically feel Syed's turmoil, and every nerve in his body screamed at him to go and support him. But he knew this was something Syed had to do himself. He squirmed inwardly when he saw Syed bow his head at Tamwar's question, as if he was ashamed.
"What are you sorry for, Syed?" - it was a question he'd often asked. He felt a pit in his stomach. Syed had come a long way, such a very long way. But it hurt to see how he was somehow still racked with guilt over just being himself.
But then Syed surprised him
"You are gay, aren't you?" Tamwar asked. And Syed finally looked up at his brother, and squared his shoulders. With hardly a hint of regret or doubt in his voice or in his eyes, he nodded
"Yes, Tam, I'm gay."
But then as suddenly as it had appeared, just as fast did all the resolve seem to leave him.
"And I'm sorry." he continued "I'm really sorry, Tam"
Then his voice broke and he just couldn't continue. He hung down his head, and covered his eyes with his hands.
But Tamwar was relentless.
"So I ask again…" he said "What is it you are sorry for…?" Syed didn't feel capable of answering, he felt unable to even raise his head again and face his brother.
"Is it for being who you are…? For being what you are?" Tamwar insisted.
Syed fiercely tried to hold back the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes. It was the moment of truth, and he felt utterly helpless.
Even from across the room, Christian could see every muscle in Syed's body tense. He silently begged Syed not to give the devastating answer he feared he would.
Please, Sy, don't say you're ashamed of who you are. Don't do this to yourself again. Don't do this to us.
When no answer came, Tamwar took a few steps closer to his brother. Syed was still looking down, struggling to keep his emotions in check, to find the words to explain what he felt. He shut his eyes closed, in a futile attempt to stop the tears from flowing.
"Let me tell you who you are, Syed" Tamwar said quietly. The expression on his face hadn't changed. Syed still wasn't looking at him. "Let me tell you what you are…"
Syed let out a ragged breath, but before he could even think of what to say, before he could even form a coherent thought in his head, Tamwar spoke again. His voice was kind.
"You're my brother, Syed"
Syed's head shot up, his breath caught. He looked at Tam as if he was afraid to believe what he was hearing.
"Tam…?" he whispered hesitantly. And then clumsy, shy Tamwar did something so unexpected it surprised both Syed and Christian to their very core.
He took another step, completely closing the distance between them, and in an awkward, but unhesitating, genuinely loving gesture, he simply put his arms around Syed's shoulders and pulled him close in a tight embrace.
"You are my brother…. and I love you." he said quietly.
The relief shot through Syed's body like a bolt of lightning. It was as if every muscle, every nerve inside him gave way. His knees buckled and his hands shook, as he tentatively put his arms around his brother, and breathlessly leaned into his hug. The tears were flowing freely now.
"Nothing will ever change that, Syed." Tamwar reassured him. "Nothing."
Syed finally let go of all the tension that had built up inside him. Painful sobs of gratitude and relief shook his body, as he clung to his brother like a man about to drown. And Tam just quietly held him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Christian too could hardly contain his emotions. As he watched the two brothers together, tears pushed to the corners of his eyes. He knew how massively important Tamwar's acceptance was to Syed. He felt such an amazing gratitude towards the younger man for giving Syed this priceless gift. He was utterly relieved to know that he judged Tamwar right. Though young and inexperienced, Tamwar was clearly blessed with a veritable sense of justice, and the will and conviction to always do the right thing. Christian had always believed – well... hoped - that he would not turn his back on his brother. But Christian also knew that it was impossible for him to grasp all the cultural stumble blocks Syed and Tamwar had to face up to, he knew that he couldn't really gauge all the consequences of their religious and cultural background... So in the end, Tamwar's reaction had always been an unknown factor.
But fortunately Tamwar had decided that first and foremost he was Syed's brother – and Christian could only feel deep joy at that.
It meant that Syed had not really lost his family.
Not all his family.
It meant that there was hope.
0+0+0+0
"So what did they tell you then?"
Christian could hear the tension in Syed's voice. He'd decided it was best to give Syed and Tamwar some space, but he didn't want to leave altogether, so he was busying himself in the kitchen, making cups of tea that would probably never get drunk.
After Syed's emotional outburst, when his tears had finally subsided, the brothers had shyly pulled away from each other, somehow reluctant to let go, and yet uncomfortable with that new and surprising level of understanding between them.
And now they sat closely together on the sofa. Christian saw how Syed was almost aching to touch Tamwar again, … reach for his hand, his arm, his shoulder… to keep intact the physical contact with his family that he'd craved so much. But he was holding back, careful not to frighten Tamwar off. Tam was nervously fiddling with his glasses, plucking at the sleeve of his shirt, but his eyes never veered away from Syed. It was as if he was truly seeing his brother for the first time.
They sat in silence for a moment, and at last Syed tentatively asked the question that had been on his mind since the moment Tamwar walked in.
"What did they say… ?" he croaked "…mum and dad?"
Tamwar shrugged.
"Nothing much…" he swallowed. "That you and Amira broke up. That she left. That you left. That you weren't coming back… That…" He hesitated.
"That I brought shame to the family and that my name should never be mentioned again" Syed finished the sentence for him. His voice strained with the pain he was trying to hide.
"Something like that…" Tamwar admitted.
Silence fell again.
"They didn't tell you that I ….that I was gay, then… "
Tamwar shook his head.
"Then how… how did you know…?"
"I heard them arguing…. Rather loudly… a few times. I heard Christian's name mentioned… in a not very nice way… I was hardly allowed to leave the house all weekend, and the way they... acted … I knew it had to be serious, there had to be more to it than just your marriage breaking up…" Tamwar shrugged again
"And then when they finally couldn't keep me indoors anymore, I caught some of the talk on the square…" he smiled ruefully and rolled his eyes "No wonder they didn't let me go out… So…I put two and two together and… well… I came up with four… And here I am"
"I'm so sorry, Tam" Syed said softly, and when he saw the question in Tamwar's eyes, he added "I'm so sorry for lying to you"
"Don't apologize" Tam said, he let out a low chuckle "Of course you lied… I would have lied too if I was you… It was quite a secret to have..."
He looked away. "But what I don't get, Syed…" he hesitated.
"What…?" Syed asked, but Tamwar shook his head "Go on, Tam, don't hold back... ask me… it's okay..."
"Why did you marry Amira, Syed…? if you knew you were… I mean… I assume you knew by then that you… that you were…"
"Yeah…" Syed sighed "I knew… But I was still in denial."
He shook his head, correcting himself. "Or actually… I was not. I knew it… I knew it in my mind, in my heart…"
Almost automatically he glanced up towards the kitchen.
Christian had been battling between the urge to listen in on the conversation, and the knowledge that Syed and his brother deserved some privacy. In the end, he'd consciously avoided trying to hear their hushed conversation. But sensing that Syed was watching him, he looked up, and their eyes locked.
Syed took a deep breath, remembering the conversation he and Christian had had on his wedding day.
"I want you… to be true… to yourself!"
"True to myself? You make it sound as if being attracted to men is the only part of me that matters. Yes… I'm gay! There. I said it…"
How much he'd hurt Christian that day. He swallowed hard.
"I knew what I felt, I knew who … what I was… I was simply too scared to really admit to it. To act on it. To be brave, take the jump and live with the consequences…"
"I'm gay and I love you. I wish I didn't. But there you go"
"Then be with me… Please!"
How much he'd hurt himself. He could still feel Christian's hand grasp his in a desperate attempt to make him listen, he could still remember the near physical pain he had felt when he had freed his fingers – reluctantly, carefully, as gently as he could - from that hold. He would never forget the devastation in Christian's eyes at that... at what must have felt to him like the ultimate rejection. He would never forget how much it had hurt himself to break that touch. It had clawed at his heart… and somehow it still did.
Now, all that time later, Christian was again watching him intently, quietly encouraging him, offering his support, his eyes gentle and understanding, and full of the love they shared. Syed knew that Christian knew what he was thinking of, he knew that Christian's thoughts were at exactly the same place as his own.
As reluctantly as he'd pulled his hand away that day, Syed broke his gaze, and faced his brother again. "I was scared, Tam. And I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I wasn't just lying to all of you… to Amira… I was also,… most of all… lying to myself… and I saw no other way out. I was a fool. Such a fool. And a coward. I ended up hurting everybody I cared about. Marrying Amira was the worst mistake I ever made. I nearly destroyed her by doing that, and hurting her was the last thing I wanted. It nearly destroyed Christian. Hurting him like I did…." Again he locked eyes with Christian across the room. "Hurting Christian… was what ultimately nearly destroyed me… In the end, Tam… I just couldn't do it anymore… I just…"
His voice trailed off.
"I knew you weren't happy" Tamwar said quietly.
Syed looked at him in surprise.
Tamwar smiled at him with that half-crooked smile of his.
"I may be young and inexperienced, Syed, but I'm not stupid… and I'm not blind. You weren't happy, it was so obvious… even though you hid it well. I kept thinking newly-weds should be acting happier… be more… content… spend more time together… But you didn't. And it was odd… Now that I think of it, the only times I ever saw your face light up in the past few months was when you played with Kamil…."
He shook his head in quiet surprise as it suddenly hit him "...or when you were at the unit… with Christian…"
He shook his head. "Maybe I was blind after all…."
Then another thought struck him like a blow.
"Oh my god… Mum knew, didn't she? She knew… way before you told everyone… That's why she always seemed so angry with you. I knew something was off… the way she looked at you… You and her were always so... close… and then suddenly… She knew, didn't she?"
Syed nodded wordlessly, his eyes cast down, the memories of his mother's rejection still almost too painful to bear.
"That's it, isn't it? ... She knew before the wedding, and she made you go ahead with it… That's why dad's so angry with her…."
Tamwar didn't expect an answer, he saw it written in his brother's eyes.
The surprised hurt in his voice reminded Syed of his father. Tamwar was so different from their dad, but somehow he was a lot like him too.
We can't run away from who we are.
The thought passed through his mind fleetingly, and he realized how true it was.
"So… and now... Are you happy now, Syed?"
Tam's direct question surprised Syed and left him speechless at first. But when he looked up, he saw only kindness and quiet patience in his brother's eyes.
Suddenly he felt liberated, it was as if a weight lifted from his shoulders. He could feel a grin spread over his face, and it was with wholehearted conviction and sparkling eyes that he answered.
"Yes, Tambo. I'm happy. Very happy. This is what I want. This is where I want to be. This is who I am. Yes. I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been."
"You really love Christian, don't you?"
Again Syed could hardly believe what he was hearing. This Tamwar would never cease to surprise him. Where did his shy, awkward brother disappear off to?
He smiled.
"Yes. I really love Christian. I love him with all my heart. More than I've ever loved anyone… or anything. He's my world…"
With quiet conviction he added "And Christian loves me."
Christian had chosen this exact moment to come out of the kitchen, carefully balancing two mugs of tea. He heard Tamwar's question, and Syed's unhesitating answer, and it made him stumble, nearly spilling the tea in surprise. Not that he was surprised at what Syed said. He knew Syed loved him. After everything that had happened in the past 72 hours, and before that even, there was no question, no doubt in his mind.
But it was the way Syed said it, so full of conviction and so full of joy… and who he said it to, that made his heart do happy somersaults. He stood there, rooted to the spot, helpless almost, with a mug in each hand, and all he wanted to do was drop them, take two steps forward, sweep Syed into his arms and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. As if he was reading his mind, Syed looked up at him, his eyes conveying everything he felt for him. They smiled, and suddenly everything around them seemed to disappear.
There was only them.
Tamwar was watching the silent exchange between Syed and Christian, and felt the electricity in the air. He shook his head in mild confusion and idly wondered why this didn't make him feel more uncomfortable. His brother was in love with a man, and despite all his preconceptions, despite everything he had been taught all his life, it suddenly seemed like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Just two people in love.
What could be wrong about it?
"Well… That's all I need to know" he mumbled, and coughed pointedly . "I better give you some privacy, I think…"
The spell between them suddenly broken, both men looked at him in confusion. When they saw the glint in Tamwar's eyes, they all laughed.
"Don't go now… I just brewed you some tea" Christian said, setting the mugs down on the coffee table.
"It took you long enough," Tamwar joked, determined to show no sign of discomfort "I thought you'd never offer"
"Yeah... Not a very good host, I admit..." Christian answered in the same light tone "Must polish up on my entertainment skills.. sorry..."
He wished he could say more, … there was so much more to say... but he was careful not to alienate Tamwar. No matter how understanding the boy was, this was all very new to him, and there were still a lot of bridges to be built. So he held back on the impulse to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and pull him into a hug. Instead he retreated back to the kitchen, just lightly touching Syed's arm in passing. Syed understood and smiled at him gratefully.
0+0+0+0
At last Tamwar sighed. "I think I better go now, Syed … you know… sorry"
Syed understood "Of course. I don't want you to get into any trouble with mum and dad, Tam… not on my account"
"Don't worry about it. I won't"
"I'm serious, Tambo… I don't want you to..." he swallowed hard "...to lose them too. I couldn't bear it. I mean it" The intensity in his voice bore witness to Syed's emotions.
"So do I. Don't worry, Syed. It's gonna be fine" Tamwar paused and looked at his older brother in earnest.
"But I'm not going to turn my back on you. I just won't. I don't care what they say"
When Syed wanted to say something, he held up his hand. "End of discussion, Syed."
Both men stood. Syed looked at his brother affectionately. When did his little brother turn into this mature young man, he wondered.
"Thank you, Tambo" he sighed.
"What for..?" Tamwar shrugged. "Look... I'm not going to stand here and pretend I understand all this. I'm not going to say that I don't worry about it... that I'm comfortable with it... But you're my brother, Syed. And like I said, nothing will change that."
He sighed. "Right, I better go now... before mum and dad come home"
Then he remembered. "Oh, hang on" he said "I brought along some of your clothes and stuff. I know you don't want me to rummage through your things, but... well.. you know...I thought you might need some of these" He opened the flat door and with some effort grabbed the bag he'd left in the hall, and hauled it inside. It was huge and bulging with clothes. He glanced at Christian who'd joined them
"I hope you have large wardrobes, Christian... the pile of clothes my brother has... you're gonna need a lot of space..."
Syed shook his head. "Tam... seriously... you should be more careful. Mum and dad won't like it if they know..."
"I'm doing nothing wrong, Syed. it's your stuff, right? " He rolled his eyes. "I'm afraid you're going to have to do some ironing... considering my packing skills … or lack thereof..."
Suddenly serious, he leaned over and unzipped the bag. "I brought something else. Something I thought you'd like to have..."
Syed's heart almost stopped when Tamwar held out his Qur'an. At first he couldn't move. He just stared at the beautifully adorned cover of the precious book. Tears pushed to his eyes again. He tentatively looked up at Tamwar, and seeing only love and encouragement in his brother's eyes, he reached out and carefully, almost reverently, took the Qur'an from his hands.
"Thank you," he whispered, unable to say more. He stared at the holy book in his shaking hands. "Thank you so much..."
Tamwar gently put his hands over Syed's holding the Qur'an.
"You do know that Allah still loves you, don't you, Syed?"
Syed nodded silently, still speechless.
"Loving is not a sin, Syed" Tamwar added quietly. "I don't know much. But I am sure of that"
He squeezed Syed's hand affectionately, then surprised him again by leaning in and pulling him close in another brotherly hug.
"I'll see you soon, Syed" he whispered, swallowing away the lump in his throat. Then without a further word, he let go and turned to leave.
"See you soon" Syed croaked. It's all he managed to say. His knees buckled and he just about managed to lower himself on the sofa.
Christian let Tamwar out.
"Thank you Tamwar" he said wholeheartedly. "I know this can't be easy... but it means a lot"
Tamwar glanced back at his brother. He shrugged.
"You know what...? It is easy... He's my brother. I love him."
He paused, and looked up at Christian earnestly "You are serious with him, Christian, aren't you?"
"I am" Christian assured him "I love him. With all my heart. I won't let him down."
"Make sure you don't" Tam said, and with that, he was gone.
Christian closed the door and went to Syed who was still sitting motionless on the sofa. His head bowed, he was quietly staring at the Qur'an in his hands, his fingertips affectionately caressing the fabric of the cover. It seemed an intrusion to Christian to speak now, so he silently crouched down in front of him, gently put a hand on Syed's knee in a comforting caress, and waited patiently.
At last, Syed looked up. Christian wasn't sure what he had expected.
Tears. Pain. Hurt. Regret, perhaps.
But not this.
Not the utter joy radiating from Syed's eyes. Eyes brimming with tears, for sure, but the joy in them was unmistakeable.
"I'm so lucky, Christian" he finally murmured. He swallowed hard.
"I have …. a wonderful brother..."
Christian smiled and squeezed his knee. "Yes, you do"
Then Syed reached out and tenderly cupped Christian's face.
Locking eyes with his, he exhaled deeply and smiled.
"And I've got you".
Christian's heart skipped a beat.
"Yes you have, Sy... yes... you have"