Chapter 20
Tommy smiled as he watched Jude singing through the glass separating the recording booth from the soundboard. Two months had passed since Johnny left again and things were great.
Johnny had kept his promise to Jude that he wouldn't try to shut her out again and it was evident that she was so much happier—which meant that they were happier. They had been spending a lot of time together recently and their friendship had grown significantly. He could actually feel himself growing attached to her, and, as scary as the idea was, maybe even falling for her. There wasn't anything he could do to stop it and he didn't even want to anymore. He was tired of fighting it.
Their connection in the studio was stronger than ever. She had finally stopped fighting him on every little thing and they were now working harmoniously. Darius was, of course, thrilled with everything that they had been working on.
She had also listened to him when he had given her advice about Jamie. She had had a run-in with the boy next door about a month ago and apparently, she had told Jamie that she was happy that he had gotten such a good job and that she hoped he was happy. According to Jude, Jamie was so shocked and taken aback that he had agreed to meet up with her again and have lunch some time.
As he was adjusting some of sound levels, Kwest came and sat down next to him.
"Hey man. How's it going in here?"
Tommy nodded his head and his smile grew even wider. "Good. Scratch that—it's going great."
Kwest gave a smile of his own and raised his eyebrows. "That good, huh?"
"It's like those first few months of bickering and anger never even happened," he stated truthfully. It was amazing to him, really.
"Well, progress is definitely good," Kwest agreed.
Tommy nodded, but he felt his smile falter. Unfortunately, Kwest seemed to have noticed. "What? I thought all was well in Tommy and Jude land."
"It is, but I feel like there's something she's not telling me." Kwest laughed and Tommy frowned. He didn't appreciate his best friend laughing at him. "What?" he asked crossly.
"You do realize that is like the most hypocritical statement I've ever heard come out of your mouth? And that, my friend, is saying something."
Tommy stayed silent for a moment before speaking again. He knew he had to choose his words carefully in front of his best friend. "Look, I know you know that I've pulled a lot of shit in the past. I'm not proud of it, but I can't change it. But I can change the future." He took a deep breath and looked down at the ground, avoiding looking at Kwest in the eyes. "I'm going to tell her. I have to, before she finds out some other way."
When Kwest didn't say anything, he looked up at him warily. Tommy wasn't sure what his right hand man for so many years was thinking. Which was a new one. He could usually guess what Kwest was thinking.
"You're in love with her," he stated with a hint of awe in his voice.
He glanced back at Jude—who was now frowning as she was watching him and Kwest through the window—and nodded. "I think I am."
Kwest sighed heavily and shook his head. "Tom, you know I'm happy for you, but if you're serious about her, you need to tell her as soon as possible. She trusts you right now, and believe me, that is a miracle in itself. Don't screw it up."
"Do you think I want to? These last two months with her have been… I don't think I've ever been this happy."
"Not even with—?"
Tommy's eyes narrowed and he glared at Kwest. "No," he said icily. "Not even with her." He frowned as he thought about the anger he suddenly felt, or more accurately, the anger he felt every time she was brought up. It wasn't because he was still hurt over what had happened—he had gotten over it a long time ago. He was angrier about the situation he had been put in because of it. He didn't like not being in control of his own life.
"Do you think Jude feels the same way? I mean she did just get out of a two year relationship."
He gritted his teeth and looked away. He hated the reality doses that Kwest kept dishing out. As he thought about it, he realized that he didn't have any idea how Jude felt about him. Not really, anyway. She actually hadn't been acting any differently towards him than before Johnny had left again. The only real difference was that they were getting along and weren't fighting the intense sparks flying between them.
They had kissed a few more times since that time in the rehearsal space. One time in particular had been unlike any of the other kisses they had shared. They had been goofing off, and constantly making some type of physical contact with each other. Finally, when the teasing had gotten to be too great, he had grabbed her and kissed her.
He had come dangerously close to losing control, but luckily, she had looked at him with wide, vulnerable eyes and he had known right away that she wasn't ready to take that step with him. Before he had noticed her hesitation, he had let his hands start to wander a little and he had felt her stiffen at the contact. Thankfully, he had had enough sense to realize that she was afraid, or at least that she had appeared to be afraid. Whether or not she actually had been or not, that hesitation had been enough to put a stop to everything. He wasn't going to force her to do anything she wasn't ready for.
But, despite the fact that they weren't officially together, he was almost positive she felt the same way that he did though. Maybe. Possibly.
The more and more he thought about it, the more he started to second-guess himself. What if she didn't feel the same way as him? What if, when it came down to it and he ever actually officially asked her to be with him, she shot him down?
"You haven't talked to her about that, I take it?" Kwest said as he interrupted his thoughts.
He shook his head. "Not really."
Kwest nodded and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Talk to her. Get this all sorted out," he said as he started to leave the room. "Oh and Tom?"
"Yeah?"
"I could always lock you guys in studio C again," he said with a chuckle.
Tommy rolled his eyes and chucked a pen at him, which proceeded to miss him by about a mile, which caused Kwest to break into full laughter. "You missed!" he called over his shoulder as he left the studio.
As silence filled the studio, he watched Jude as she shifted her guitar and started playing a song he didn't recognize. His imagination was on overload right now, thinking about all of the what-ifs that he was faced with. He wanted to be with her—he didn't feel scared about it anymore. But, he was worried about the consequences of his past, and most of all, he was worried about Jude.
He didn't want to believe that she didn't feel the same way about him, but he couldn't help the doubt he was feeling now. The niggling feeling that she was hiding something, something important, from him kept creeping into his brain. It was like he couldn't turn that line of thinking off at all.
In any case, he supposed Kwest was right. He was being a little hypocritical right now, considering he had his own secret he was keeping from her. And, he could wager that it was bigger than anything she could possibly be keeping from him.
"Everything okay?" Jude asked through the mic. She looked concerned as she studied him intently and, despite himself, he found himself smiling.
"Everything's just fine, girl. Let's take it from the top, okay?"
He watched as she nodded and waited for him to cue her mark and, as always, she came in right on time. That was one of the many things he loved about working with her. Being in the studio and recording music came to her as naturally as breathing. It was as though she were born for this and it had always fascinated him.
He started making various adjustments, completely zoning into the song and barely noticed when the door opened. "How's she doing?"
Tommy looked up at Georgia and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Things had still been rocky with Georgia ever since that disastrous going away dinner for Johnny.
"She's doing great."
He stared into the recording booth, enviously watching her sing into the mic. It had been a long time since he had been behind the mic and he wanted nothing more than to be in Jude's spot at this very moment.
Shock overtook him as he realized what he was thinking. The need to be recording hadn't been this great in a while. He didn't even know where it had come from. He thought it had been so far in the back of his mind that he had just forgotten how much he loved recording, so he was surprised when the want bubbled up inside of him again.
"You'll be back in there again, Tom," Georgia whispered.
His head snapped towards her and his eyes narrowed. How the hell had she been able to guess what he had been thinking? She didn't know him that well; not anymore, anyway.
"Actually, that's one of the reasons I came here to talk to you. Look, I know you're freelance and all, and that technically, you're under contract already for your album. But, I want you to record. For me."
"Why?" he asked, feeling slightly perplexed. Despite whatever animosity he may have held towards Georgia, he knew that he'd love working for her. For years, he'd wanted to get out of under Darius's thumb and now, it was being offered to him.
"Because I know that your contract with Darius is going to be up soon. I know for a fact that he gave you a yearly basis contract instead of a per-album deal."
Tommy couldn't help the amusement that was threatening to explode. That had been a mistake Darius had made when he had drawn up his contract and Tommy still couldn't figure out what Darius was thinking when he had his contract written. He had given it a thorough read-through before signing, but, to be on the safe side, Tommy had had a team of lawyers pick it apart and as far as he could tell, in a month's time, he would be out of Darius's contract. He shouldn't have been surprised that Georgia would have figured it out. She always had been a little sneaky. And smart. Two deadly combinations in a woman. "And how's that?"
She grinned sheepishly. "I went up to his office one day to have a lunch meeting with him and while he was out, I pulled up your file. I've been interested in having you back at G-Major for a while now, Tom. Why do you think I pushed for you to come back to produce?"
He remained silent and returned his attention to the soundboard in front of him. She sighed and sat down next to him. "Tom, I know you're still not happy with me for getting you back into producing, but you were the only one I trusted with her. She's become like a daughter to me."
He could feel his resolve softening, but honestly, he had no idea why Georgia would have been crazy enough to trust him with his. While he was flattered, he was still confused. "Why? I bailed on her three years ago. So why would you trust me with her now? She barely trusts me," he stated honestly. "It's been like pulling teeth to get her to let me back in."
She chuckled and patted his leg. "That's exactly why I knew you could do it. Jude… she doesn't trust a lot of people easily."
"I gathered that," he mumbled.
"I needed somebody as stubborn as her and you were the only one that I could think of that fit the bill," she said with a smirk.
"Ha, ha," he said with little amusement.
"Seriously, though. She and Johnny had gotten so close that I knew she was going to resist any producer I threw at her. But I knew you would keep at it and not put up with her resistance."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He knew she was right, and he knew he needed to apologize for being such an ass to her. "You know me too well," he muttered. "I'm sorry Georgia. You've always been nothing but a good friend to me and I've been an asshole to you. You didn't deserve my anger when I got back and I apologize."
She smiled and got up. "Don't worry about it. Apology accepted. Think about my offer, Tom. I've heard your stuff and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. And maybe you could even talk Jude into producing for you."
He whipped around in his chair so fast that he thought he was going to fall off. That was something he certainly wasn't expecting. He got up and walked over to Georgia to stop her from leaving. "Wait… what?"
"Yeah. She produces. Didn't she tell you that?"
"Obviously she didn't—otherwise, I wouldn't be standing here like a gaping idiot," he said sourly.
Georgia rolled her eyes and frowned. "Don't be too hard on her about this," she warned. "I probably shouldn't have even said anything in the first place. But I did and I can't change that now."
"Why wouldn't she want people to know she can produce?"
"You'll have to ask her that. I have to go. I have a meeting with a potential client in about fifteen minutes. I need to get some paperwork ready. See you later, Tom."
He kicked at the chair when she left and when he turned back around, Jude was standing right in front of him. He nearly jumped out of his skin; he hated it when people snuck up on him like that.
"Okay, what's with all the visitors Quincy? Do you even realize that it would still be recording right now if I wouldn't have pushed stop?"
He grimaced and shook his head. He hadn't even been paying that much attention to the board since Georgia had come in.
As he looked at her indignant pout, he could feel himself getting mad. He wasn't angry, but he wasn't exactly happy with her right now. What else didn't he know about her? He had thought they were making real progress and now, all of that doubt was coming back full force.
He needed to get her back into the booth before he questioned her about her producing ability. He wanted to wait until the time was right to ask her about it.
So, he took a deep breath and forced a smile. "I promise. No more visitors. We will get through this next take, okay?"
She scowled deeper, but nodded. "Fine. I'll hold you to that."
He watched her turn and walk back into the booth. He tilted his head to the side and decided to try something. "You want to try your hand with the levels?" he asked nonchalantly. Okay, so maybe now wasn't the right time, but he was feeling a little impatient.
Upon his question, she stopped dead in her tracks and slowly turned to face him. He didn't fail to note that her face had turned a little pale. "Why would I do that?" she scoffed. "I don't know anything about that board and I'd probably just mess it up."
He tried hard to stop himself from clenching his jaw; it was a bad habit of his that he always did when he was angry. Who would have thought that Jude Harrison would have been such a good liar?
"I could teach you," he offered.
She bit her lip and shook her head. "Maybe you can teach me some other time. I'm not really all that interested right now. Thanks, though."
When she turned back around, she practically ran into the recording booth to get away from him. He let out a frustrated sigh and sank into his chair. Suddenly, he didn't feel quite so bad about keeping his secret from her. Yes, it was a little worse than her keeping the fact that she knew how to produce from him, but she had flat out lied to him just now. He was just lying by omission. If she would have asked, he'd have at least been truthful with her.
"From the top?" she asked as she placed her headphones on.
"Yep."
She nodded and, as always, started right on time.
As he listened to her sing, he could tell there was a difference in her. She was nervous and jittery and it was affecting her vocals. He knew that they weren't going to get anything productive accomplished, so he sighed and paused the recording. "Go home, Jude."
"What? Why?"
"Or take a break. Just do something. You're not hitting anything right now."
She gave him a cross look as she folded her arms. "We've barely done one take."
He shook his head. "Your others weren't good, either. I don't even think I could use any of the ones from earlier. Just take a break," he repeated with finality. "I know I need one."
He stood up from the chair and retreated from the studio without looking back. He needed air. But mostly, he just needed to get away from her for a little bit.
When he stepped outside into the alley, he inhaled the fresh air and sucked in a deep breath. He had been completely ready to tell her his secret that he had been keeping from her, and it turned out, she's keeping something from him. Maybe more than one something. He didn't even know anymore.
A few minutes later, he heard the door click open, and, sure enough, out stepped Jude Harrison, looking down at the ground with pure regret. Once again, she bit her lip and then let out a shaky breath. "I think we need to talk," she whispered.
Moments later, Tommy found himself being dragged to Jude's Mustang and he frowned. "Uh, care to explain why we're in your car?"
She shrugged as she opened she shut her door. "It's a comfortable place for me to be. And besides, nobody will overhear us in here."
"Good point," he said with a nod. When she didn't say anything, he pulled out his Blackberry and started texting his brother. There was no way he was going to be the one to initiate this conversation. He was in the middle of completing the text when, the next thing he knew, his phone was being ripped out of his hands. "What the hell, Jude? Give me my phone back!"
"I came out here to talk to you—not watch you text your groupies," she said haughtily.
"Okay, one, I was not texting groupies. Not that it's any of your business, but I was sending a text to my brother. And two, you weren't saying anything. I was bored, so I started texting," he said crossly.
"Why are you being such an ass right now?"
He looked away and shook his head. "You wouldn't understand."
"Well why don't you try me?"
He sighed slowly returned his attention to her angry face. "Why would you lie? You're a lot of things, Harrison, but I didn't take you to be a liar." He had been so positive that she had been the one person in his life that was honest. It hurt to know that she was just like every other person he had ever met.
"Georgia told you, didn't she?"
He shrugged and looked away. "Why does it matter? And, how do you know it wasn't Kwest?"
She grunted and he could almost bet there was an eye roll following. "Because Kwest knows I would kick his ass from here to Vancouver if he ever breathed a word."
He snapped his head towards her and glared at her. "Kwest knew?"
She nodded slowly. "He's even helped me learn. Mostly, Johnny taught me, but Kwest helped out some when Johnny wasn't around."
"Unbelievable," he grumbled. "Who else knows and decided to keep me in the dark?"
"Just Sadie."
His eyes narrowed and confusion swept over him. That didn't sound right. How was it that pencil neck didn't know any of this? "Not even Jamie?" She shook her head and lowered her eyes. "Why would you keep that from your boyfriend? Why would you keep it from anybody for that matter?"
She shook her head and shut her eyes tightly. "I can't…"
"Why is this such a big deal to you, Jude? It's not something to be ashamed about. I mean you sing, write your own stuff… I don't get it."
"This was a bad idea," she murmured.
Hurriedly, she reached for the door, but he grabbed her wrist to stop her. He ignored the glare she was throwing his way; he was pretty angry himself right now, so he didn't really care if she was pissed at him. He wasn't going to let her get away so easily this time. "No," he practically growled. "We're going to talk about why you didn't want me to know you produced."
"I can't talk to you about this!" she blurted out. "I thought I could, but I can't. I just can't," she said as she yanked her arm out of his grasp. When she exited the car, he quickly followed suit and cornered her, not letting her escape into the building.
"Damn it, Jude, just talk to me. I thought you trusted me?" he pried.
"I do," she whispered.
"Obviously you don't. If you can't talk to me about something as simple as this, than you can't trust me!"
"It's not simple, Tommy! That's the problem."
Frustration brewed in him and he could no longer contain it. He raised his voice and started yelling, unable to keep his voice even. "What, then? What is so difficult about this?! Why can't you tell me?" he shouted.
"Because it's about you!"
Immediately, she covered her mouth with her hands and her eyes widened with shock.
He slowly backed away from her and ran a tired hand over his face. He didn't know what to do with this. He didn't know what it meant.
"What are you talking about?" he said quietly. "How is this about me?"
She looked away, avoiding all eye contact, before speaking to him again. "I… Oh God, I don't even know where to begin." She paused and sat down on the ground, Indian style and he joined her, not caring that he was getting dirt on his favorite pairs of jeans. "Okay, well basically, it started out of necessity. I had to be able to produce my own stuff."
"Why? Why couldn't Johnny or Kwest do it?"
She bit her lip and looked down at the ground. "There were some songs that I wanted to record and they were really personal to me. I didn't want anybody else to hear them, but I needed to get them out of my system." She took a deep breath and continued on. "They weren't all about you, but some of them were. Those songs in particular I wanted to bury. I wouldn't let anybody listen to them, not even Johnny or Sadie. I didn't want them to know that I…"
She trailed off and when she didn't finished, he grabbed her hand and coaxed her to continue. "What? You can tell me," he said gently.
"I didn't want them to know that I still thought about you," she admitted.
His eyes widened at her admission and he didn't know how to deal with what he had just been told. It shouldn't have surprised him, considering her confession in studio C not so long ago, but it did. He hadn't realized how much he had gotten to her.
"I was so embarrassed," she said suddenly, which caused him to frown. Why would she be embarrassed about that?
"Why?"
"I had only known you and worked with you for three weeks! But it felt like it had been longer. I knew they wouldn't understand. Before that, I had claimed to the death that I hated you and everything you stood for, and I didn't want them to know how quickly I had let myself grow attached to you. They wouldn't have taken me seriously and they would have just thought that I was some obsessed teenager. I had started to fall for a guy that, for most of my life, I hated."
He couldn't think of anything to say; he had a hard time comprehending this new information. Well, not all of it was quite so shocking. He was just a little surprised that she had admitted that she had had such strong feelings for him. He had seen it back then, but he had chosen to ignore it. He hadn't wanted to deal with the fact that a fifteen year old had put so much faith in him. It had seemed so wrong to him and the easiest thing for him to do had been to sweep it under the rug and pretend that she was just his artist and that her feelings were one-sided.
It was the other information that was shocking to him. So, she had wanted to record songs in secret. He didn't know what to make of that, exactly. More than likely, they were songs about how much she hated him or something. Perhaps he was being egotistical, but he doubted those songs were about anything else.
Then, on top of it all, she had trusted him enough to tell him. He couldn't believe that they were finally at a place where she almost trusted him as much as she had back then.
"Please say something."
He decided to focus on the easier part and ignore the other thoughts that were running through his brain right now.
"Uh, so you didn't want anybody to hear songs about me? Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful that you kept the songs under wraps, but songs about hating a guy are usually a hit—"
"Hating a guy? What are you talking about?"
"Isn't that what your songs are about? I mean I'd hate me too after I left the way that I did."
She tilted her head to the side and smiled, which was an unexpected reaction for him. "Tommy, I think you need to come with me."
"Where?"
"I'm the only one with copies of the songs I recorded. I think it's time someone else heard them."
She stood up, wiped the dirt off her jeans, and grabbed his hands to help pull him up. He couldn't believe that she was actually letting him hear songs that she had kept so close to her for this long.
As she was leading him back to her car, guilt overwhelmed him. Here she was, about ready to bare her soul to him, and he had yet to tell her the truth. Kwest was right—he was a hypocrite.
"Jude, I need to tell you something."
She paused and looked back at him with soft, trusting eyes. "What is it?"
He was fully prepared to tell her everything right there, but as she gazed at him with those big, blue-green eyes, he realized that he couldn't do it. Not now. She would hate him once she found out. Maybe he was being selfish, but he wanted to hold onto this new faucet of their relationship just a little while longer. He wasn't used to her trusting him like this—even if it was a false trust.
He forced a smile and shook his head. "Nevermind. It can wait."
"Are you sure?"
"Yep. Let's go hear those songs."
As she smiled back and started the Mustang, he pushed down those feelings of guilt that came rushing back, full force. He would tell her. Eventually.
They were stopped at a traffic light when he saw that two nuns were walking on the sidewalk. They just so happened to peer into the window and Tommy could have sworn that they knew he was being a selfish liar. Perhaps he was losing his mind, but he was positive that one of the nuns was giving him a scolding look.
He quickly lowered himself down in the seat and pulled up the right side of his jacket to cover his face.
"What's with you, Quincy?" she asked with a hint of amusement in her voice after the light turned green.
He quickly sat back up in his seat once they were well past the nuns and he shook his head. "Nuns make me uncomfortable," he mumbled.
It wasn't a complete lie. Nuns really did make him uncomfortable. He just happened to leave out the reason why they were making him uneasy now.
"You don't like nuns?" she asked with amusement in her voice.
He shrugged and stared out the window. "I'm not exactly the religious type."
"That's shocking," she mumbled sarcastically.
He stayed silent, offering no comeback at all to her comment.
He had a feeling that seeing those nuns was a sign, a warning of sorts. He was being told that he needed to tell Jude the truth and sooner, rather than later.
But he was afraid. He was scared that she would be so angry with him and they would be done for before they even had a chance to get started. And he wasn't so sure he was willing to let that happen.
Tommy frowned when they pulled up to the Harrison household. He had thought for sure they were headed to the rehearsal space. "What are we doing here?" he asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt.
"I kind of live here, Quincy." Tommy shot her a glare, letting her know that he wasn't amused with her sarcastic comment. She laughed as she shut off the car. "This is where the songs are, okay? I have an old hiding place that I use—nobody knows about it. Not even my parents."
He nodded and followed her up the stairs. As stupid as it sounded, he was a little nervous about hearing these songs. He would be, according to her, the only other person besides herself that had heard them. Quite honestly, he didn't know what to expect from them. Sure, she said they weren't 'hate' songs, but he wasn't sure he liked the alternative much better.
As it was, he didn't have much time to dwell on things. Before he knew it, they were out of the car and on their way up the small set of steps that let to their front door.
When they got in the house, she threw her keys down a little table that was by their staircase, took off her jacket, and motioned for him to follow her up the stairs. Having no choice, but do so, he reluctantly headed up the old stairway and paused when they reached her room.
Sure, he'd been in there before, but he couldn't help but think that was a little different. It was going to be more intimate.
She opened her door and when she must have noticed that he wasn't behind her anymore, she stopped and turned around, giving him a confused look. "Are you going to come in, or just stand in the hallway all day?"
"I'm good here, I think."
Her confusion quickly turned to amusement as she folded her arms and tilted her head to the side. "You've been in my room before, Quincy. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were nervous." When he didn't say anything, her eyes widened and a wide smile graced her lips. "Oh my God. Are you?"
He scoffed and averted his eyes from her gaze. "No," he said unconvincingly.
She started cackling and clutched her stomach as she doubled over with laughter. He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks and that just made it worse, knowing that she saw the embarrassment written all over his face.
Finally, she at least made an attempt to muffle her laughter and mumbled something that vaguely sounded like, "sorry".
Apparently, she was getting a little impatient, though, because she grabbed him by his arms and pulled him inside of her room. "It doesn't look any different than the last time you were in here, Tommy. Well, maybe it might. Considering you were on my bed the last time," she said with a smirk.
He glared at her as he sat down in one of her spare chairs. "Excuse me, but the last time I was in here, the circumstances were enormously different. You had just screamed bloody murder and I was terrified out of my wits that something had happened to you."
If he hadn't been looking, he wouldn't have noticed her stiffen for the briefest of seconds. But she was good; he had to give her that much. When she turned back around, her face betrayed no signs of discomfort. It was completely neutral, soft even. "Yeah, about that. I want to say thank-you for being in the right place at the right time, so thanks. Every so often, I'll have these nightmares that really freak me out. It was good you were there," she added softly.
He nodded and leaned forward in his chair. "What are they about? Why do they freak you out so much?"
She remained silent and shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. "I… it's a long story."
"We've got time."
She sat down on her bed and took a deep breath. "Well, I kept telling myself I wanted to tell you about this, so I guess now is as good a time as any. This just isn't something that I normally talk about a lot." She paused and looked away from him, then proceeded to grab her pillow and hug it to her chest before she continued speaking. "They're about my accident that I had," she said in a quiet, barely audible voice. "It was about a week after my sixteenth birthday. Jamie, my friend Kat, and I had finally started talking again; when they found out everything that was happening with me, they came to talk and we sorted everything out. Things weren't exactly back to normal, but we were trying. So we all decided to go out and celebrate our reunion.
"I was driving. They said it was a drunk driver that hit us. We were going through an intersection and I saw the car coming through the red light too late."
Tears were freely flowing down her cheeks as she was reliving what, to him, had to undoubtedly be the worst time in her life. He wished he knew what he could say to make it better for her, but he had nothing. He had no words of wisdom, no comforting words to offer.
"Kat died instantly," she whispered. He noticed her breath catch and he watched as she unsuccessfully tried to hold even more forming tears at bay. "She was in the passenger's seat and got the full impact. She was so tiny to begin with. She didn't have a chance," she choked out. She sniffled and wiped away her tears that wouldn't seem to stop. "There was another woman who died. I don't know her name, but she was in the other car. I don't exactly know what happened to the driver. Georgia had gone to Darius for help and he pulled some strings to keep me out of court and the press." She paused and sucked in a breath. "Jamie luckily got out of it with just a few bruises and scratches. I don't know what I would have done if I'd have lost him, too."
His throat tightened as he took in the haunted expression in her eyes. It didn't seem fair that she had to have gone through all of that at such a young age.
While he took in the information she just gave him, he realized that she never divulged what had happened to her.
"And what about you?" he said quietly.
"What about me?"
"What happened to you?"
She sighed and looked away. "I'm not exactly the right person to ask. I don't remember much about that night. All I remember is the impact and then waking up in the hospital a few weeks later."
"Weeks?" he asked, hearing the alarm in his own voice.
She gave him an incredulous stare. "Tommy, reporters were all over this story. According to Johnny and Sadie, the coverage was practically on every news channel. How could you have not known that I was in the hospital?"
He looked away in shame. He should have known—he would have known if he had listened to Kwest. His best friend had called him right around the time that he had made his resolution to avoid topics of Jude Harrison at all costs.
Kwest had mentioned Jude and any time Tommy tried to change the subject, Kwest had continued to push to talk about Jude. Tommy remembered that Kwest had kept saying he had something important to tell him about his former artist. But Tommy had wanted nothing to do with her; he had been trying to stop thinking about her and Kwest had been ruining his attempts, which had made him angry. So he had hurriedly made an excuse that he had to go.
Any time he had noticed Kwest was calling, he ignored the call.
He never paid attention to the press, so he wouldn't have seen the news in a paper and he rarely watched television, so catching a news report had been out of the question.
He had basically isolated himself from the entertainment industry and now, he felt like the world's biggest ass.
"I don't know what to say, Jude."
"How 'bout the truth? You do know what that is, don't you?" she said crossly.
He sighed and hung his head down, keeping his eyes firmly glued to the carpet. "I was ignoring you," he finally admitted.
"What?"
He let out a frustrated groan and got up from his chair and stood by her wall. "Anything and everything that was even remotely related to you, I ignored. Anytime somebody tried to bring you up for whatever reason, I shot that topic of conversation down. I was trying to not think about you at all. I guess it was the whole 'out of sight, out of mind,' thing."
When he finally got the guts to look back at her, he saw that she was trying her best to cover the hurt written on her face.
She nodded slowly and looked away.
He cursed under his breath as he took in the hurt expression on her face. He quickly walked over to her and forced her to look at him. "I'm sorry, okay? I was a mess—and an ass. I thought that ignoring anything about you would help me to forget. But I shouldn't have done that and I know that now. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there, so sorry," he mumbled under his breath.
She shrugged and attempted a smile. "It's okay. It's in the past. You're here now and you've been there when I needed you."
He shook his head, roughly, refusing to agree with her. "I should have been there then. I should have—"
"Tommy, stop. It's over and it's done. We can't go back. So stop beating yourself up over it. You're a different person now."
He looked away from her and fixed his eyes on the floor. "I'm not so sure about that," he whispered.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true. I'm not that different, Jude. I wish I were."
She frowned as she furrowed her eyebrows together and folded her arms. "Are you okay? You've been acting really weird all day."
He sighed and sat back down in his chair. "I'm fine. I've just been distracted. Let's listen to those songs—what do you say?" he asked with a weak smile.
She seemed reluctant as she scrutinized him—probably for any signs that he was lying. But, he had had years and years of practice of masking his emotions and only allowing people to see what he wanted them to see. She was no exception.
So, she nodded and got off of her bed and motioned for him to turn around and he promptly rolled his eyes. "Nobody knows about this hiding place and I'm going to keep it that way. Now, turn around. And no peeking," she ordered.
He complied with a chuckle and turned around, listening to the sound of her shuffling through her room.
When she finally told him he could look, he saw her walking towards her computer with a hard-drive in tow.
After she set everything up, she shielded the computer from him, more than likely blocking things that she didn't want him to see. When she got to the page that was clearly safe for viewing, she turned to him with a soft smile and said, "This is the song I think you should hear. If this doesn't clue you into the fact that I never hated you, I don't know what will."
She double-clicked a file that simply said 21.
You never lied to me, not once.
It's not your fault that I can't trust.
It's in my past, it's in my path and I can't go there.
Making a mess out of this game.
To see it all go up in flames.
So tired of being ruthless and reckless.
Time to be your only one.
To almost be your way to young.
Time to crash into the sun.
Time to be your 21.
Time to dream that love will last.
Time to drive my car to fast.
Time to walk before I run.
Time to be, oh, time to be your 21.
His breath hitched and he couldn't believe the words he was hearing. He had left three years ago because he hadn't wanted her to know what he had been feeling and it turned out, she had had him figured out. Or at least it seemed that way.
As the song continued playing, he realized that all of his efforts back then had been wasted. The only thing he had managed to accomplish was driving a wedge between them and not being there for her when she had needed him the most. He had left to stop himself from falling further and making things complicated, but nothing had changed. It was three years later and things were still complicated, mostly thanks to him.
He couldn't help but wonder what could have been if he had stayed. Would he and Jude still have wasted all of that time bickering, or would they have been even closer? Would she have become his 'way too young'?
It's gut wrenching sometimes.
It's life threatening sometimes.
It seems like nothing can wash it all away.
Time to be your only one…
When the song stopped, she gazed at him expectedly with anticipation clearly written all over face. She was waiting for him to say something, make some kind of move. But he didn't know what to say.
"Say something."
He sighed and glanced over at her. "Why 21?"
"Why do you think?" she whispered.
After hearing those words, he knew she had known back then. The whole purpose of him leaving had been to avoid hurting her and playing with fire, but she had seen right through it all. He had always suspected that she might have known, but actually hearing her say it was different.
He realized then, at that moment, that he wanted to be with her, and that he didn't want anything to stand in the way. And because she had just shown him this song and let him in this way, he knew she wanted to be with him too, and he was finally going to do something about it.
He quickly walked over to her, softly brushed her out of her face and lowered his lips to hers. When she started moving her own lips against his, he felt confident that this time would be different; this time when the kiss ended, he knew there would be many more following it.
The way she was kissing him right then felt good. It was almost like she was branding him to be hers.
She broke away from the kiss and he felt his breath hitch in his throat when she looked up at him. She brought her hand to his face, cupping his cheek and he leaned into her touch. "I want to be with you."
He swallowed hard and took a step back to study her. He knew what she was talking about, but he had to be sure that she wanted it. They weren't even officially together. "Jude, are you sure about this?"
She smiled and bit her lip as she nodded. "I've never been more sure of anything."
"But—"
"I've spent so much time being afraid of being with you, of letting myself fall for you again. I'm tired of being afraid, Tommy. Look, I know this is fast, especially considering how much I've been pushing myself away from you, but I feel like I need to say this."
"What is it?"
She took a deep breath and looked at him right in the eyes. "I'm in love with you."
It was like his brain had frozen. He heard the words, but he didn't know how to respond. Did she actually just say what he thought she had?
She looked embarrassed—probably because he was standing there with a blank expression on his face while she had just poured her heart out to him—and she quickly started fumbling for words. "You don't have to say anything back. Oh God, I shouldn't have said—"
He cut her off and promptly grabbed her by the shoulders to pull her in for a kiss. He could feel laughter rumbling in his stomach when she sighed, but he held it back, knowing it would break the moment if he allowed himself to laugh.
When he pulled back, he leaned his forehead against hers and brushed her hair out of her face. "I love you, too."
She smiled as she leaned into kiss him again. He felt her arms wrap around his neck and he pulled her tightly against him.
The kiss quickly turned heated and passionate and he could feel himself losing control.
She took a step back from him and slowly walked backwards to her bed until the backs of her knees brushed against the mattress. She sat down and for a moment, they just stayed like that, looking at each other with unabashed admiration.
He saw the hesitation in her eyes, but that didn't stop her from lifting her shirt up over her head and tossing it on the floor.
"Jude, we don't have to—"
"I want to."
When he saw that determined gleam enter her eyes, he knew she wasn't going to back down, so he walked over to her and knelt down until he was eye level with her. He placed his hands on her thighs and let his right hand travel to her cheek.
She brought both hands to his wrist that was cupping her cheek and smiled as she lowered his hand.
He leaned into kiss her again and he felt her hands fumbling for the hem of his shirt, so he stood up and lifted his arms to make it easier for her. As soon as his own shirt was thrown on her carpet and forgotten, she quickly reconnected their lips and pulled him towards her as she lowered herself on the bed.
His lips traveled down her jaw line until they finally rested on her neck, where he began to nibble and gently bite down on her skin. She was driving him crazy with the small moans that were escaping her throat as he allowed his hands to begin to roam.
When he was finished with the spot on her neck and was satisfied with mark he had left, he traveled lower, all the way down to her stomach before he kissed her on the mouth again.
As the kiss continued to grow even more heated than before, he shivered when he felt Jude's fingertips running over his chest. She was clearly starting to feel braver and daring. Her hands roamed all the way down to his abdomen and he reluctantly broke the kiss, feeling the need to breath.
He looked down at her as she opened her eyes, which were sparkling with need and want.
And then, as he looked into those blue-green orbs, a thought that he really wished would have stayed away entered his mind. He couldn't let this continue until she knew the truth.
"Jude?"
"Yeah?" she whispered breathlessly.
"I need to tell you something. Something important."
She smiled and shook her head as she grabbed either side of his face and pulled him in for a breath-taking kiss. She crawled on her knees and began laying kisses down his jaw, then, she gently nibbled on his earlobe. "You can tell me later."
The fact that she had just nibbled on one of the more sensitive parts of his body and, was seemingly throwing caution to the wind, undid him.
And when she started kissing him again and let her hands go just a little too far south, he knew there was no going back now.
He knew he was being selfish and that, in the end, she would only just end up being more hurt and angry with him, but at that moment, he didn't mind. He was willing to take the chance if that meant that he could be with her now. "I love you," he whispered.
She grinned and lowered herself back on the mattress, once again.
At that point, all rational thought was out the window and somewhere down the river. He just hoped that when the truth finally came out that she would be willing to give him a chance to explain