Still not a long one but I've been busy. Still trying to post one every day for the people that are enjoying the story. For the person that isn't, that's okay too. But you really don't have to bug me every day. I got the message. It's okay if you think it sucks. Thanks for reading the first 20 chapters before complaining though ;) To everyone else that understands that it is fanFICTION, thanks for reading =)

Chapter Twenty One

Carol watched the men approaching. She was sitting with Beth and Kenzey on the clinic steps. Daryl made a show of ignoring her as he picked up the little girl and walked off a few feet. Whatever he was saying to her she was taking very seriously. Her eyes were large and she nodded solemnly at whatever he was telling her. He kissed her forehead and then sat her down. She ran back over to Carol grinning.

Merle was looking at her with a strange look on his face. It was odd seeing him without Maggie or Emily. She wondered idly what had happened there.

"We're searchin' the town again. You think me and you can partner up? It's been a while since it's been just you and me." Merle said, holding out his hand for her.

"Beth?" Carol began but Beth was nodding before Carol could even ask her.

"I'll keep an eye on her for you."

Carol let Merle pull her up and they headed down the street. Apparently he already knew what the game plan was and she was just along for backup. She adjusted the rifle strap and then gave him a wary smile. He didn't look too good this morning. He looked tired. "You okay, Merle?" She asked finally.

"Right as rain, little Dixon." He threw a heavy arm over her shoulder and gave her a sideways smile. "I've missed ya. Seems like not that long ago you was about the only person that'd give me the time of day."

"That's because it wasn't that long ago."

They went into the first house, never splitting up even though she argued that it would get done a lot faster if they both searched separately.

"You ever catch yourself missin' the prison?" Merle asked as they climbed the stairs to the second story.

She glanced at him with a frown. "I do sometimes. As strange as it seems. I know I shouldn't."

Another round of silence followed as they made their way to the next house. It was making her uncomfortable. Merle normally wasn't the type to enjoy lapse in conversation and she was finding herself growing increasingly worried about him.

"I saw Maggie and Glen today. I guess your brother was right in making her leave." Carol tried to make small talk.

"That's good. That's real good. That went on long enough." He pulled open a closet and double checked.

Another house equaled more silence and she found herself growing more antsy. "Merle, you want to talk to me about anything? At all? I mean, I'd even take another one of your less appealin' stories over this silence any day."

He shook his head. "Nope."

She let it go for a while but she was having a hard time. She bit her tongue for as long as she could. "Did somethin' happen with Emily last night?" She finally asked.

He looked over at her, annoyance clearly showing on his face. "I remember you bein' a lot more fun than this. I shoulda took one of the men."

"But you miss me, so here I am. And you're boring me to death."

He sighed. "I'm thinkin' about leavin'. Maybe for just a while."

She stopped right there on the sidewalk and grabbed his arm before he could keep going. "What?" Her voice came out in a panicked squeak. "No. You can't leave! Did you see the size of that herd last night? There's more and more Walkers out there every day. You're safe here. Daryl and I, we can't leave. That isn't even an option anymore, not with Kenzey."

He just looked at her for a long time and then shook his head. "I wasn't askin' for either one of you to go with me. I can't fuckin' think in this place. I can't be me in this place."

Carol knew he was serious. Knew in her gut that he really was thinking about leaving. What she didn't know was why. He'd done so good since they had gotten here. Made real connections with people. She had watched from a distance as he let go of some of that rage that had always been right there under the surface before. Rage that she was starting to see resurface as he stood over her.

"But you were here before us. This place was your home." She said, her voice meek even to her own ears.

"And I was able to be, Merle." He said angrily. "I could kill and loot and have a fine old time. You people and your morals and your good deeds and shit. That ain't me, woman. I ain't my brother." He was nearly shouting in her face but she let him. "You want me to be somethin' that I ain't. You started this." He jabbed a finger in her face, causing her to flinch a little.

"What about Beth and Maggie?" She was grasping at straws, she knew. She also knew that he was, for some reason, a walking time bomb at the moment but she couldn't keep her mouth shut. She wasn't used to keeping her mouth shut anymore.

"They ain't my problem." He growled, still in her face.

"What about Emily?" She was treading dangerous ground, she knew it.

"What about me?" He asked, voice softer now but that anger still clear in his face. "You ever take a second just to think about yourself, Carol? Think about what you want? And not what all these mother fuckers around you want? Even Daryl. You ever put yourself before that boy one time? You ain't, have you?"

They had started walking again. He threw open the front door to another house and stormed inside.

"I don't put them before me, Merle. I don't know what you're talkin' about." She said quietly behind him.

He spun around, reached behind her head and slammed the door shut. So much for stealth.

"Bullshit." He said between clenched teeth. "All your life, you've been bullied. You've let Ed make all your choices for you and when he was gone, you still let someone else call the shots and you were happy too, because you didn't have to do anything and you were still free from getting' your ass kicked. My brother did a good job with you, I'll give him that. But you'll always let him call the shots. When it comes to the big stuff you're still the same as you were."

"Go to hell, Merle." She spat as she turned around to leave, but he grabbed her arm roughly and spun her back around.

He backed her into the door. "You ever wonder what it's like to only have yourself to worry about? To be able to do what you wanna do and not what everyone else expects you to do?" He asked, his eyes frantic.

She shook her head and then his face changed, causing a different kind of panic to well up in her chest.

"Come with me." He said, eyes wide and urgent now instead of angry. "Just me and you. You wont have nobody to answer to. We can leave right now, they wouldn't even know for hours. And for the first time in your life you can be you. Just you. Not what they want you to be. I'd let you, you know. I wouldn't ask for anything from you. You don't know how good it feels to just live for yourself. Just try it."

"Merle, what the fu..." But her voice was cut off when he covered her mouth with his.

She froze. Her hands at her sides. She didn't try to fight him. She didn't kiss him back. She simply, for a few seconds, was shocked into complete stillness. Her mind unable to really register what was happening. Her eyes were open wide and then suddenly his were too. Like he was just realizing what he was doing. His lips stopped moving on hers and then he slowly pulled his head back, never taking his eyes off hers. She still didn't move.

"I didn't mean that. I mean, I didn't mean to do that. I'd never do that." He was having a hard time getting his words out. "You know I didn't mean to do that, right?"

She wanted to feel angry. She wanted to lash out at him. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. He looked like a rabbit in a trap. "Merle?" Her voice came out in a whisper. "Are you, okay?" Why would she even ask him that after what he had just done?

"I'm gonna go. I need to go. Now." He almost shoved her out of the way and then he was gone. Out the door and maybe out of Woodbury.

She wanted to go after him but she didn't. This was their last house to check so she decided to just let him go. He obviously had stuff he needed to work out. This was their last house to check anyway so she decided to just finish up and leave him be.

Merle decided not to take the street. He veered off towards the back of the house and walked along the fence line. He knew someone would be patrolling but he'd rather risk running into them than his brother. He couldn't believe he had done that. He kissed her. Kissed Carol! His brother's woman. He hadn't planned on doing it. All he really knew was that he was desperate to stop the raging in his head. Telling himself to leave and begging himself to stay. And she was just there, supporting him like she always did and then he had to go off on her. Treating her like shit. And then he just wanted to forget what he was thinking. So he just did it.

Now he really had to leave. Needed to get the fuck away. He didn't want to look at his brother. Didn't want to see Carol again and couldn't bring himself to even think about talking to Emily. All he wanted was to run.

He thought about the way things were before he met these people. Back when it was just him versus the world and he longed to go back to that. But even if he left now, he wasn't the same as he was then. He'd always wonder about them. If they were okay. If they needed him. If they were safe.

He climbed the back porch steps of a house they had already checked and sat down heavily. No, he decided silently. There wasn't any way to go back to the way things were. And he had to learn how to deal with that. He had to make sure Carol knew how sorry he was for what he had done. Maybe even tell Daryl about it so it wouldn't be something just eating at him. Daryl would knock the shit out of him and then it would be done. Maybe he would even go talk to Emily. His hand was shaking in his lap and he curled it up in a fist. But he wasn't going to do any of that right now. He was just going to sit right here and think. Work it all out in his head first and then, when he wasn't feeling like such a mental case, he would fix everything.

Daryl and Rick were quick when it came to work like this. They went through each house silently, never needing to say anything, just knowing what needed to be done. They had been that way for a long time. They were walking back towards the wall, neither of them had found anything unusual in any of the houses.

"Guess you were right. Merle was just seein' shit." Daryl said.

"Still, we have to keep on top of this. If someone thinks they saw something then it needs to be checked out."

Daryl nodded. "Well, if we're done I'm takin' the kid to the lot. Teach her to shoot."

Rick gave him a look and he knew he was going to have to spend the next five minutes explaining to the man why he needed to teach the girl. But to his surprise Rick just nodded. "That's a good idea. We all need to know how to protect ourselves."

Daryl just stared at him.

"What?" Rick smiled. "You think I'm gonna give you the list of reasons why a four year old shouldn't know how to handle firearms?" He shook his head. "Time's have changed. I ain't tellin' you that I think she needs her own gun right now. But she needs to know how to handle one. You ain't gonna just give her a gun are you?" Rick asked, like he just remembered exactly who he was talking to and that Daryl was very well capable of giving the girl her own weapon.

Daryl shook his head. "Nah, not yet."

Rick looked relieved. "You need to make sure you explain everything to her. Make sure she knows that she's handling something that could kill. That's meant to kill."

Daryl scoffed. "No shit. I'm glad you said somethin', Rick. I was just gonna hand her a piece and tell her to figure it out." He shook his head.

Rick just grinned. "That's what I figured."

Daryl found a gun he thought would be small enough for her. It was smallest one they had. Just a little sig, but it would do. He found them still in front of the clinic but Beth had brought out a blanket to sit in the grass under a small tree for shade. Judith was lying there waving her chubby fists in the air and Beth and Kenzey were working silently on another of those bracelets that she was so good at making.

"You ready?" He asked.

He head shot up, her eyes wide and expectant. The grin she flashed him was huge. "Yep." She ran over to him and grabbed him by the hand.

"Thanks, Beth." He called over his shoulder as the little girl tried to pull him away.

"Do I get to learn to shoot a big gun?" She asked as they made their way around the storage building where the guns were kept.

"Nope. You're still too little." He said as he sat her down on a rickety picnic table. He sat up some cans about twenty feet away.

She sighed. "I'm just about to little for anything." Her voice was angry.

"You'll grow." He said as he pulled the gun from his waistband and sat down next to her looking down at the weapon. For the first time he was feeling a little apprehensive about what he was about to do. She was right. She was little. Just a little kid that he was about to hand a gun over too. He thought about all the reasons that that was not a good idea. And then he thought about what may have happened if Sophia had been trained with a weapon the day that those Walkers took off after her. She'd be alive. But she had been twelve. Kenzey was four. As far as they all knew anyway.

"You don't have to worry, Daryl. I'm still little but I'm not stupid. I wont shoot myself in the foot or anything." She said as though she read his thoughts.

"I ain't worried." he scoffed.

She reached up and touched the spot between his eyebrows. "Yeah you are."

He held the gun in the palm of his hand. "Do you know what this can do. I mean, really really know?" He asked.

She nodded. "It can hurt people, or if I'm not careful I could hurt myself."

"Yeah, that's one thing. But do you know the reason we all pack guns around here?" He asked, quietly as he stretched his legs out under the picnic table.

"You all need the guns to kill the Walkers and to kill any bad guys that try to hurt our people." She said wisely.

He nodded. "That's right. But do you understand what it really means to kill? Do you know what death is?"

She took a deep breath. "Death means you're gone. All the way gone, not like if you just leave and go somewhere. When you die, you never come back from it. Like my old parents are dead."

He nodded slowly. "So you know that if you shoot someone, you kill'em. That means they're dead and you can't take it back when it's over. It's just done. No fixin' it."

"I know." She whispered, eyes wide. "I wouldn't never point a gun at a person unless I had to. In case I had to protect us."

Once again she had shocked him into silence. He shook his head. "If I'm doin' my job then you ain't ever gotta worry about protectin' us."

She frowned at him and then touched his face again. "You can't do it all by yourself all the time. You shouldn't have to feel like you gotta do everything all by yourself. Carol, she's able to do a whole lot and if you teach me this, I can help too. And then you wont have to worry."

"You're pretty fuckin' smart, you know that?" He asked with a grin.

"That's what they say." She shrugged.

"Well, are we gonna do this or what?" He asked as he held out his hand for her to take the gun.

She shook her head causing her dark hair to fall over her shoulders.

"No?" He frowned. "I thought you was hell bent on shootin'?"

"No, I'm hell bent on learnin' how." She glanced at the gun and then to him. "I wanna know how it works."

"How it works?"

"Take it apart." She demanded. "I've seen you clean the rifles. You take'em apart. You know all about what piece does what. Same with your bow. If you wanna be good then you gotta know everything about it, right?"

He just stared at her. "How the fuck did you get so smart?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea. My parents were idiots. Show me how to take the gun apart."

He shook his head and went to work. He disassembled the gun slowly as she watched. She asked him about every piece his fingers touched. She watched him with such focus that it shocked him. When the gun was in pieces on the table she studied each piece carefully and then nodded.

"Put it back together." She said after a few minutes.

He did as she said, taking his time and explaining everything again. She made him do this four more times. Never taking her eyes off the weapon.

The last time he put it back together she held out her hand. He didn't feel apprehensive anymore. She looked at it for a few seconds and then went to work taking it apart herself, her small hands working swiftly as she recited everything he had showed her. She put it back together just as quickly. He was staring at her with his mouth opened. When she finally looked up she grinned.

"I think I got it now, Daryl. You can close your mouth now. You said yourself I was smart." She tapped the side of her own head, "It's all about rememberin'."

He just nodded.

"Now shoot it." She said suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I want to watch you shoot. Show me how to stand, how to hold it. I have to know this stuff." She said urgently.

Merle finally got up from the step and walked back around the side of the house. He didn't know how long he had sat there, just thinking. Sometimes it was like that. Time didn't seem to mean much now days and then other times it seemed like all a person could think about was how much time was passing. He wasn't going to lie to himself anymore. He wasn't going to leave. There wasn't anywhere else he really wanted to be. He was going to stop being such a girl about all this, man up just like his brother had done, and deal with the mess he had made. He felt better once he had decided to do this. Not because he was honorable and it was the right thing to do but because it had always been making decisions that was the hard part. After that he usually didn't have a problem following through with them.

First he was gonna go make things right with Emily. That was what started his whole down word spiral to begin with. He was nervous about it, still not knowing what he would say but he would come up with something. And then he was gonna find his brother. He was gonna explain what happened in the house and take whatever the boy decided to throw at him, which he was sure would be a right hook. But he earned it. He still couldn't believe he'd done that. But after he was done getting his head rung by his brother he'd find Carol and make things right with her. And then when all that was over he would deal with whatever came next.

He wasn't sure where Emily could be but he figured the smartest thing would be to check the apartment. When he climbed the stairs to the second floor he started sweating. He took a deep breath to try to calm himself. He hesitated outside the door, not sure whether to knock or just walk in. Finally he just walked in, figuring she had been the one to suggest him moving in so she really wouldn't care.

She was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the couch, hair pushed behind her ears, book in her lap. She looked up when he walked in. She gave him a strained smile and looked back down to the book. "Hi, Merle."

"Hi."

She glanced up again. "You left before I was even up. What'dya do that for?" She dropped the smile.

"I was just thinkin'. Figured I'd leave out early and go see my brother."

She nodded. "Ya'll find anything today?"

He shook his head and finally walked over and sat down on the couch. He looked down at the top of her head. "Nope. Everything was clear far as me and Carol could see."

She nodded. "You team up with Carol today instead of Maggie?"

"I think Maggie's pissed about last night. I made her work with Glen and then Daryl kicked her out. Didn't really wanna listen to her mouth."

"Sounds like she had a really bad night."

Emily kept her head down. Maybe she was actually trying to read and he was interrupting her. Maybe he should come back later and talk to her when she wasn't busy. Then he decided against it. He was here to fix his fuck ups. He wasn't gonna run like a little bitch. This woman wasn't even five feet tall. She wasn't scary.

"The answers yes." He said suddenly, forcing the words out of his mouth.

She turned her head, craning her neck so she could look at him. "What?"

"What you asked. What you asked last night before I acted like an idiot. Yes. That's the answer to what you asked." He took a deep breath, feeling relieved and stupid at the same time.

She smiled at him and then turned back down to the book. "That's good to know, Merle." She said as she turned a page.

What? That's good to know? All that he'd just been through and her only response was, that's good to know? Had she just asked him that out of curiosity and not because she really wanted to know?

"What took you so long to answer the question anyway?" She finally asked.

He blew out a breath. "I don't know. It's just how I am I suppose."

"Are you just tellin' me that so I wont feel so stupid for askin'?" She asked, her voice laced with suspicion.

"No. I'm tellin' you that cause it's the truth."

She sat the book down and moved until she was on her knees in front of him. "So you do or you could? Which is it?"

He felt his face flush. This wasn't going how he had panned. She was suppose to take what he said and be satisfied with it and cut him some slack for making it a point to answer her question. Instead she just had more questions that he didn't know how to answer. He was gonna do the same thing he did last night and then he would be back to square one.

"Well?" She arched one eyebrow, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She thought this was funny. Watching him squirm.

"I do." The words had his own eyes widening. He hadn't meant to say that. Had he?

She nodded, that small smile still playing on her lips but not becoming a full fledged Emily grin yet. He waited nervously.

"Good." She said after making him squirm for a while.

"Good? That's it?" He frowned.

"Yep."

"Well, that wasn't so hard." He said out loud and then groaned inwordly. He only meant to think that, not say it.

"What did you think I would do, Merle? Demand you propose? Make you write a song about it?" She laughed.

"No." He grumbled, feeling much less stressed than he had earlier. He stood up, offering her his hand. She stood up with him. "I gotta go talk to Daryl now."

"Okay." She said happily. "I'll see you later then."

Now he felt awkward again. What the hell was he suppose to do now? He couldn't kiss her. Not after kissing Carol, that would be rude. He laughed out loud to himself and she looked at him like he was crazy. He probably was.

He decided to just leave. It seemed like the only safe thing to do at the moment. She waved in the doorway and he waved back.

He took the stairs two at a time, wondering where Daryl could be.

"Beth!" He called just as the girl was about to go into the clinic, a blanket draped over one arm and the baby in the other.

She turned and grinned at him. "Hey, Merle."

"You seen Daryl?" he asked.

She nodded. "Behind the storage buildin' teachin' Kenzey how to shoot."

Son of a bitch. He had a gun. At least with the crossbow he'd have to load the bolt before he shot him. "Thanks." He mumbled as he took off around the side of the building.

When he spotted them they were walking down the fence line towards the back entrance to the apartment building. It didn't look like he had a gun in his hand so that was promising. "Daryl!" He called and his brother turned around.

They waited for him to catch up. "Hey, ya'll find anything?" Daryl asked as Merle fell into step beside them. He made sure he walked on Kenzey's other side in case he needed to use her as a human shield. Then he had a better idea. He scooped her up like Daryl usually did and stopped. The girl looked at him like he was nuts, Daryl did too.

"What the hell are you doin', Merle?" Daryl asked after a few seconds.

"Me and Carol got into it in the last house we was searchin'." Merle said hurriedly.

Daryl snorted. "You and Carol always get into it when your together. That ain't news."

"I kissed her. Right on the mouth." Merle said and then held onto the girl even tighter.

"What?" Daryl said, his voice sounding as though he didn't believe what Merle had said.

"I was tryin' to get her to leave Woodbury with me, I was yellin' at her and then I kissed her. Right on the..."

"The mouth. Yeah, you dumb fuck, I heard that part. Put my kid down." Daryl growled.

"If I do are you gonna shoot me?" Merle asked.

"Put. Her. Down." He ground out, his teeth clenched.

"Swear you ain't gonna shoot me and I will."

"I swear, I wont shoot you. Put her down."

Merle sighed and then sat Kenzey on the ground. She backed up about ten feet before she stopped. Merle watched her go so he didn't see it coming. Daryl's fist hit him hard in the side of the face and then he felt the ground under his back. Him and Daryl had done their share of fighting, especially with each other, but Merle had always had the upper hand. Not so much this time. Daryl was pissed. More than pissed if Merle had to guess. He struggled to buck Daryl off of him but he seemed to be a lot stronger than he used to be.

"Get off me, goddamn it." Merle grunted as Daryl's fist made contact again. To his surprise Daryl did get off him. But only to kick him hard in the ribs.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Merle?" He yelled as he backed away. "You're too big a pussy to deal with your own woman that you gotta go and kiss mine." He came at him again but Merle grabbed his foot and jerked it hard. Daryl landed on his ass.

"Yeah, pretty much." Merle muttered as he wiped blood from his eye. Daryl must have got him good in the brow.

Daryl got back to his feet and glared down at him. "Where the fuck is she?" he spat.

"I don't know. I ain't seen her since. I kissed her and then I took off. I didn't really mean to even do it." He got to his feet and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. It came away bloody. Yeah, he was definitely stronger than last time him and Merle had fought.

Daryl grabbed Kenzey's hand and started around the building.

"Where you goin'?" Merle called. Jogging to catch up with them.

"None of your business." Daryl spat as he turned the corner and climbed the clinic steps.

Beth smiled when they came in and then it melted away when she got a look at Merle. "Oh my God, you need me to go get daddy?" She said as she came around the counter.

Merle shook his head.

"Beth, can you watch her for a while. I gotta go find Carol." Daryl said angrily, shooting daggers at Merle the whole time he talked.

"Sure." Beth said sounding very unsure at the moment.

Daryl stormed back out of the clinic and headed down the street. "Where the fuck was she when you saw her last?"

Merle shrugged. "Last house by the fence. It was the last house we had."

Daryl glared at him.

"Look, little brother, I'm sorry. It wont happen again."

"It shouldn't have happened at all you stupid asshole."

"Your right." Merle muttered. "If it makes you feel any better I don't even think she liked it."

Daryl stopped in the middle of the street. "You don't think? You mean she just fuckin' let you do it?"

Uh oh. "No, that ain't what happened. It was all fast, like she didn't even know what I was doin'."

Daryl growled and then headed back down the street. "She ain't still there, dumb ass. This happened hours ago." Merle called and then had to catch up with him again.

Daryl just shook his head and kept walking. He didn't have anywhere else to start looking.

"You're a real piece of work, you know that, Merle?" Daryl grumbled as he climbed the steps.

"I said I was..."

"If you tell me you're sorry one more time I will shoot you." he said as he opened the door and stepped in.

Merle shook his head and followed him in, running straight into Daryl's back.

"What the fuck. Keep walkin' dumb ass." Merle grumbled.

Daryl still didn't move. Merle looked over Daryl's shoulder to see what the hell he was so intent on staring at and then he froze.

He was too stunned at first to do anything. All he could do was stare at the pool of blood that sat drying a few feet in front of them.