Stop Crying Your Heart Out: Chapter 21
Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade
(Blaine)
The past week had been great. Rachel and I spent the entire day after the party practicing a ton of different songs and styles for my audition. I had narrowed it down to 2 choices and I was having a really hard time picking one though. Rachel, Sam and Sebastian had all put in their input and they all had the same advice. I had to speak with my heart.
My heart was full of two things right now though. The first thing was this amazing love that I never felt before. So many things made up this love. My love for Sam and his love for me. This all of a sudden massive growth of friendship between everyone, but specifically with Rachel, Sebastian, Mercedes and Puck. Not a day goes by without talking to at least one of these people, and it's a very strange things for me.
There was a moment, the night after the party, where Rachel and I were in the kitchen making some breakfast while Seb and Sam were still sleeping in the other room. we were much more inclined to get our day started, both of us having a lot to prepare for and having much needed advice to listen to. Rachel and I were laughing and talking like old friends, like everything that had gone on between us was some story we read instead of our lives. Rachel had said her apologies long ago and moving past them had created one of the best friendships I had ever known. There was a brief pause in our conversation at one point that allowed me to hear Seb and Sam laughing in the other room. Just as I was realizing that morning that I was standing with my best friend, I realized Sam had found his too.
All of this contributed to an overwhelming degree of happiness. I couldn't describe the high I was on even if I wanted to. Unfortunately, there was a thorn in this feeling. There was this bad and negative air around me as well. Contempt, anger and hurt. The way Kurt has been ever since I broke up with him, it's not even remotely the same person. You always hear not to have regrets. I've been trying not to regret my relationship with Kurt. It brought me to so many things. Sam most importantly, but I've grown so much from Mr. Shue and Rachel and everyone, not just musically and as a performer, but as a person.
When I think of all of these things, I know regret isn't the true feeling in my heart. The anger is still there though. For some reason the way Kurt is acting just feels like a giant betrayal. I don't need him in my life. That is pretty clear. I have an amazing group of people surrounding me and Sam and we grow stronger every day, not only because of them, but because of Kurt too.
I guess I should thank him, eventually. I don't know what happened to make him change this way. It was always pretty hard to read where he came from on a lot of things. I never really interpreted that as a bad thing. Before the Chandler drama he was always pretty clear on where we stood. I always felt like I was his exception and that the love we shared would get us through each others hard times. It's pretty clear now that secrets, no matter how small, always hold potential to grow bigger. That's what happened with him, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize it.
When I told Sam about this he was quiet for a while. Sam always put a lot of thought into his responses and actions. It was something I envied so much, but in a situation like this always drove me crazy. He would always laugh at me as I started to get antsy. This time was no different.
"Ok, babe. How about I try to think this through out loud for you? In the spirit of this conversation I think it works." I chuckled at him and pulled him in to kiss his forehead. It wasn't really that big of a deal, but I wouldn't stop him.
"If you must, I guess I'll listen."
"Oh shut up. Well, I guess what I'm thinking is that everyone has their secrets. That's part of being people. I think it's more important how we handle them. You are right, if you saw Kurt holding back a lot of small things, then it was bound to grow. Any secret that I could think of hiding from you though would only be something I hadn't figured out myself yet, I guess."
"But isn't that what we are here for each other to do? Help each other through what we can't do alone."
"Of course, but just think about how negative we could get if we had to discuss every little problem."
"I guess you're right. I'm just worried about it all. I think about it now and there were so many things that he wouldn't talk about or would hide from me. I don't want either of us to do that."
"That to me just means he didn't trust you. His secrets were all pretty big. Karofsky, Chandler. Who knows what else. We still have things to learn about each other though. I wouldn't consider that hiding something."
"I guess you're right."
"If it makes you feel any better, I do talk to Sebastian about us, he's helped me figure out a few things, ya know? I don't really think that's a bad thing, to have friends to confide in. Right?"
"No, I see what you mean. Rachel and I talk sometimes too."
"I'm not saying Kurt wasn't wrong. Honestly if you don't know what he was thinking then none of us would know. Secrets aren't always a bad thing, but for me I don't see anything that I would think of keeping from you now."
"I have before with you and I'm sorry. That makes me sound really hypocritical, doesn't it? I guess it takes me a long time to trust. When things were so uncertain with us I was afraid to let things out in the open, but I don't see me hiding anything from you either Sammy. Not now, at least."
"Good. Since we are on the same page now, how about we talk about this song. Have you decided yet?" Sam started flipping through my sheet music.
"I still can't decide between those two." I had spent hours between all of these choices and didn't think either one was a clear expression for me.
"Babe, I've said it before, many times, and I'll say it again. You are best when you are letting your heart show. Trust your heart. You have to submit this online by Sunday night. All you have time for is to listen to your heart and perform through it."
Sam was right of course. I already knew that. He'd been telling me every day. The major problem I had with this audition was that I won't be able to gauge and kind of reaction after I'm done. I know I have no choice in the matter and it's just another challenge I have to overcome, but it's sort of making me nervous.
"Rachel and Sebastian will be here any minute. Let's forget about our futures tonight and just have a good time, ok?"
"Sammy, that sounds absolutely fantastic."
(Rachel)
It was weird walking back into a dance at McKinley again. Before I always had Finn on my arm or close by. I was sort of glad he wouldn't be here tonight. Since he got discharged from the army and began to work with Mr. Shue I have only spoken to him one time since he put me on that train. I realize now he did that for me, but I hated him for so long because of it. I am finally starting to be happy again, and while I have no man in my life and NYADA has been particularly grueling, I actually think I am pretty happy.
Maybe it has something to do with winning the Winter Showcase. Ok, it has everything to do with it. Carmen Tibeduex has never allowed an encore performance during it. I actually have a NYADA first applied to my name forever. Kurt sang as well, I guess some holiday spirit was granted to Mrs. Tibeduex and she had a change of heart. He did a good job and it looks like he impressed everyone. I am happy for him. Maybe this will help get into NYADA and eventually help him move on. I know he is at dinner right now with the rest of the alumni, and I am sort of glad I managed to get out of it. My relationship with Blaine basically had us at each other's throats this past week.
He started out really somber, asking me how long he'd been with Sam and what part Sebastian really had to play in all of this. It took him a long time to accept Sebastian was never a part of the equation, but when he did he started to ramp up his jealousy and anger towards Sam. It started as a guilt trip. The "how could he" and "after all I did for him" reasonings began it all. I tried to explain that it wasn't easy for Sam but that seemed to make things worse. The "Blaine deserves more" and "Blaine is just an experiment" arguments came next. I stopped trying to disagree with him and that just turned him against me in the end. He had no idea how I could be ok with this, and on top of it be so close to them so quickly.
I was definitely still rooting for Kurt. He is my best friend. Or, was? I don't know. I haven't felt close to him in a while. That seems to be pretty common among everyone and him lately. The only thing I know that is wrong with him is that he misses Blaine, but I've never seen someone act this insane over love before. At least not in real life. Movies, sure. I've spent a long time trying to figure it out, and I haven't gotten any closer. Kurt is hiding something, beyond all of this turmoil. There must be a reason for him to fight this battle so hard, especially after all the talks between everyone in his life. Me, Blaine, Finn, Mercedes, and even Mr. Shue all tried to get through to him at one point. I guess I could talk to Finn and try and get some input on the situation, but we've been through enough already without throwing each other in between his brother and our other friends.
Whatever. That's all water under the bridge right now. Of a circular river I guess cause it's going to come back, and probably sooner than later. Ugh, I just have this feeling of dread hanging over my head. I have to get past it tonight though. I'm at an amazing dance with three friends I honestly never in my life would have expected. Honestly, if Finn saw me dancing with Sebastian he'd probably go into a rage. Just another reason I'm glad he's not here.
Oh god, I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I doing this to myself? It's over. It has to be. Shut it off Berry. You live in a big city with plenty of men and someone out there is going to come for you. Just wait.
"Rachel, hello? Earth to Rachel!" Blaine was snapping his finger in front of my eyes bringing me back from my freak out. Maybe it was pathetic, but I learned to handle a lot of my drama internally lately. Seeing Kurt explode the way he has recently kind of showed me how annoying that could be. Go figure, learning to control myself only took someone acting like I did in high school, or so I imagine.
"Yes! Sorry, let's go. It's just weird being back here, that's all. I can't believe how weird this feels."
"Things were so different last time. But hey, you're the reigning prom queen! You gotta walk around like you own this place."
"Thanks Blaine, I will." The first thing I did when we got in was find Mr. Shue. It had been too long since we talked, and I had so much to update him on, especially my Fanny Brice audition. I haven't told the boys yet. I wanted Mr. Shue to be the first to hear. Open casting call's are next week, a lot earlier than I was expecting, but after the showcase I am really energized for it.
Mr. Shue and I talked for quite a while. He always loved performing, but said he loved teaching us more and that's why he stayed. It wasn't the first time I heard this, but hearing it again was critical for me, particularly now looking ahead to an audition that I never truly thought would ever happen. He evaluated himself and did exactly what was right for him, and in hearing him tell me this, I knew I was meant to sing and perform.
Blaine and Sam were dancing all night. It wasn't too long ago they wouldn't hold hands in public. It was special for them, and you could tell every time you looked at them. This school had definitely changed for the good. Sure, maybe the glee kids weren't ever going to be the popular crowd, and acceptance still had a long ways to go, but no one was even giving them a second glance, and that spoke wonders.
For my part, Sebastian and I made sure everyone noticed us. He was an insanely fun dance partner. He wanted to be a star just as much as me. It was in his blood and we understood each other a lot. Who knew that would ever happen. It didn't take me long to forget about the past. Several times that night of the party I stopped myself and thought about why I was being so open with him. Something told me it was ok, whether it was Blaine and Sam's demeanor or just how he was acting and interacting with me that decided all of that for me. No regrets though, because this was one of the most fun dances I have ever attended.
Blaine was right about one thing though, I was like royalty here tonight. At least to the glee kids. Marley asked me to sing with her on stage. I think Mr. Figgins thought he was always ruining our night by asking us to perform for these things all the time, but if anyone of these people were like me, they loved being on the stage. There were always enough people that it never truly interfered with out dance.
A little while into the night, Sam, Sebastian, and I were sitting down waiting for Blaine to finish his performance. We all were up there at least once so far, except Seb, and Sam was up again next. Sam was giving Sebastian and I a run down of all the new kids in the club. It was kind of amazing how the same types of people gravitated towards glee, although I suppose it shouldn't surprise me.
My phone began to ring and I excused myself, heading father away from the stage to try and hear clearly. My number one mistake was not looking at the screen before answering, as Kurt was there when I answered.
"Rachel! Mercedes told me you were at the dance. Is that Blaine singing I hear over there?"
"Hey Kurt, yeah. Blaine invited me to go with him. It was his turn to perform."
"Why didn't he go with Sam?" Venom laced his words and it was obnoxious to hear.
"He knew you'd be around. He thought it would be better if he just took me so you didn't get upset."
"Well have you gotten to talk to him? How is he feeling? What has he said about me?" Kurt was acting completely different to me now then he had the last time we spoke in the city. Mercedes texted me earlier and told me how Mrs Tibiduex finally agreed to look at his application again. In Kurt's eyes that must have meant an instant acceptance. He bust be on cloud nine and extra hopeful tonight.
"We haven't talked about you Kurt, sorry. We've just been trying to have a good time."
"Why won't he even think about me? Don't I deserve another chance?" I felt a wavering in his ego. It was a small opening, but I had to try to drive the point home, not only for Blaine, but for Kurt too.
"Kurt, you have to stop this. You have to try to move on. Who knows what the future brings. There is no chance right now though." I heard him crying on the other side. It was a little while before he spoke up, the tears still flowing freely.
"Who am I kidding? If I give up now then I'm giving him every reason to stop thinking of me. Then I definitely have no chance. How can I move on not knowing I tried everything? Why didn't he tell me about any of this? Why did he hide everything? I can tell I'm the joke now. What else do I have to lose?" As Blaine was stepping off the stage and giving Sam a quick kiss as he went to take over, I thought of the best thing to say, and while I wasn't sure, maybe if he knew, or at least thought, that I saw his side of this that'd he'd rethink this guerrilla warfare approach to his relationship, or lack there of, with Blaine.
(Rachel)
Kurt don't cry, I know, you're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights you shared.
(Kurt)
Lima is calling
And you know it's haunting
But compared to his eyes
Nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky
It's not mine but I want it, so...
Let's not pretend like he's alone tonight
I know he's there, and
They're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance
He'll say yes...
Because these words were never easier
For me to say, or him to second guess
But I guess that I can live without him, but
Without him, I'll be miserable at best
"Kurt, Sam is great for Blaine. They are great for each other. You have to move on before you let this consume you. They didn't tell you because they wanted to give you time." I felt bad for him. He was obviously hurt, but he couldn't deal with it like a normal person. That was clear.
"They all just hate me. It was easier when it was Sebastian, I have a reason to hate him, but Sam?." His attitude was coming back and I realize that it is fully up to me to try to change this situation right now, and it could be the last chance.
"No one hates you Kurt. They are concerned for you, even though you are acting like a total jerk. Blaine will be the first to give up on you though. You haven't given him much reason to give you any more chances. Maybe that could change, but you need to stop this now."
"If he won't give me another chance then it's too late. It should be me there. He went with you so that it wouldn't upset me? That just proves he still cares about me."
"I lied about that Kurt! He invited me so we could all have fun. He's with Sam right now. You have to get over this!" I was losing this fight. i don't know how I lost control of this so fast. If I can't get him to move past this, maybe I can get him to see that there is no point in fighting it right now.
"I don't believe you. He still cares about me, and I bet he's dancing with Sam anyway, right? I have to make him see. This could be the last chance."
"There is no chance, Kurt! Not right now. Sam and Blaine are happy, and you are only strengthening their relationship! If you think you are meant to be then let this all play out."
"You're wrong Rachel. I always have to fight for what is right for me. i always have, and I always will. Blaine is no exception, and I'm ready right now. I'll be there in 2 minutes." Kurt hung up the phone and I panicked. I didn't know whether to let this play out or to intercept him at the door. Kurt would be put in his place again and this time in a huge crowd if I let him walk in those doors. Almost immediately I realized it was dumb to even think about it though. I ran from the corner of the room and tried to escape out the doors without anyone seeing me.
"Rachel? Where are you going?"
"Blaine, it's ok. Go back in. I'll be there in a second." The doors closed behind us and I tried to usher him back in.
"Wait, just, while we are alone. Thanks for helping me with my audition video. It really sucks I won't get to perform live for Mrs. Tibideux, but I feel really confidant about being able to perform. I just have to figure out what my heart wants to say right now. I'll figure it out though, and I'm going to record it Sunday night if you want to come?"
"You'll be great Blaine, and of course I'll be there. Now please, go back in. I'll be there in a second." Damnit Blaine, I'm trying to save you trouble here. Just go back in!
"Ok, ok. But thanks for coming tonight too. It's kinda nice for Sam and I to have some of our closest friends around."
"Of course! Now I know there is a boy in there that would love to be your dance partner when his song ends. Tell Sebastian I'll be back in soon." Blaine gave me a hug and turned to go back in. Just then the door to the school opened and in sprinted Kurt. Blaine turned and when he saw him he just threw his hands in the air and huffed out a short laugh as he looked at me, realizing why I tried to get him to go.
"What now Kurt? Haven't you done enough?" I don't know what I expected from Blaine, but it wasn't that. He was so over it that even Kurt had to see there was no hope there. And maybe he did, in part, but if he did he didn't care. The tears were still coming down his face as he pleaded with Blaine in front of him.
(Kurt)
You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I would give
Is everything you couldn't take
'Cause nothing feels like home
You're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
'Cause I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
And I need it
So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
I know he's there, and
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance
You'll say yes...
Because these words were never easier
For me to say, or you to second guess
But I guess that I can live without you, but
Without you, I'll be miserable at best
And this'll be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you and I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
'Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly
So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
I know he's there and
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance
You'll say yes...
Because these words were never easier
For me to say or her to second guess
But I guess that I can live without you but
Without you, I'll be miserable
And I can live without you but
Without you, I'll be miserable
"You know what Kurt? I don't care. Sorry you are miserable. That's not my problem anymore Kurt. Leave us alone." Blaine interrupted Kurt, having enough, and turned to leave.
"You aren't even giving me a chance. Leave with me now. Let's talk. Sam doesn't need you. Let him have Sebastian. I need you. And you need me."
"Kurt, what is wrong with you!? You of all people should know how to respect people. Blaine, Sam, everyone has earned your respect and more, instead you are treating all of us like crap and trying to decide Blaine's own future for him? Get it through your head that we all make our own choices, and you have made all of your own as well. Leave them alone. They are better off without you in their lives." I didn't feel bad for him now. I don't understand him at all anymore. His desperation has gone beyond dramatic and made it's way to a new level of crazy.
"That's not going to happen Rachel. I've been unhappy long enough. We will be together again. I can see it in your eyes Blaine. You still care about me. You know I care about you and I'll make you see we belong together. I promised you that I'd never say goodbye to you. I won't give up on that promise."
"You gave up on that promise a long time ago Kurt. What happened to you trying to make it in New York? You had a chance at a real life there." It was clear that Blaine cared about him in some part. These tiny shows of concern weren't doing him any good though, at least when it comes to Kurt.
"Ha! That's funny Blaine. You left me over a text message. The only reason I went out with Chandler at all was because you hurt me. You hurt me Blaine! That was when I realized we were always meant to be though. Then I went to New York because I knew you'd see that we belong together eventually. I knew you'd be coming and I'd be there waiting for you. When Rachel told me you weren't with Sebastian I took that as a sign to come back and be there for you. Only instead you are with Sam? We both have a chance in New York. I am going to get into NYADA and you will too. Sam isn't getting in. You and I will be there. we'll be together. You think you guys will survive distance? Doubtful. So I am actually glad to hear it's Sam and not Sebastian. Sam loves Mercedes. Always has, and when you leave for NYADA he will eventually get tired and leave you for her. I will be waiting till then if I have to. Have fun with Sam while it lasts." Blaine turned around with a blank look on his face, his back to Kurt. I couldn't do this anymore. Blaine had been clear on so many occasions now, and Kurt wasn't being respectful to anyone. His rationale didn't even make sense to me. When Blaine started to laugh I was taken aback.
"Thanks Kurt. Thanks for showing me what I don't have to settle for. Thanks for showing me all your shadiness and deceit can do nothing to impact the happiness I have right now. You just helped me realize something I'd been struggling with all week. My heart is talking to me pretty clearly right now. You don't affect me anymore. Also, thanks for showing Rachel here you're true colors. I'm fairly certain she was the last person on your side. Have a good life Kurt. I truly hope I never see you again."
"How dare you Rachel. How dare you turn against me and turn him against me too. You'll pay for this. All of you will. I expect you to move out as soon as you get back to New York." I was at Blaine's side now, and it was my turn to laugh.
"Kurt, get over yourself. Goodbye." We started walking towards the doors and I turned around one last time. "Oh, and Kurt? The lease is mine, and I won't be moving. Have fun living in the city by yourself. You better be out before I return." Taking Blaine's hand in mine, we both pulled the doors open together and walked towards Sam and Sebastian back near the punch table. We heard one last thing from Kurt as the doors closed behind us.
(Kurt)
And I can live without you,
Oh, without you, I'll be miserable at best.
(Sebastian)
Sam was sexy as hell. Ok, I said it. I think I'm just sad now that two of the most attractive guys I've ever met aren't anywhere near my grasp. Alright, that isn't the only thing. They are great people, and It's been so hard lately trying to get over my bad habits. Sam and Blaine are phenomenal examples of how I should be, and it was hard not to feel an attraction towards either one of them. When he finally came off stage I had to shake the thoughts from my head.
"Sam, bro! Awesome job. Maybe I can jump up there with you next time?"
"Anytime man. I think I'm up again one more time before the dance is over. We'll show everyone how it's done." I handed Sam a glass of punch and leaned back against the wall.
"Well, on second though, that'll be unfair, don't you think? I don't want to psych out your kids seeing their amazing competition in action." I smirked at Sam as he threw back his drink and halfheartedly smiled back at me.
"Someone's cocky tonight. We aren't even slated against each other at regionals. It'll be a long time before we see each other in competition, if we even get there."
"What do you mean? You guys are a lock to win your regionals. I don't even think the show choirs you are against have names!"
"Ryder quit remember? Glee still isn't all that popular at school here. I need to convince him to rejoin but everything so far hasn't worked. I couldn't even get him to come here tonight." Sam had told me about going over to Ryder's after Blaine's party last weekend. He was apparently the only junior in the group and had been though a hell of a lot. That's about all I knew of him.
"There's still a couple of hours left Sam. Maybe he'll show up. If anyone is convincing it's you." Sam sighed and went to fill his cup back up as Blaine and Rachel came walking back in. Hearing about Kurt always made my blood boil, but now that I truly considered these people friends, I was taking it much more personally. As they told us what happened, I was proud of how Blaine and Rachel handled it, and looking at Sam I could tell he was a little relived as well that it all hadn't become a bigger problem. Not yet, at least. Sam and Blaine were handling the whole thing remarkably well, all things considered. Sam still hadn't fielded anything from Kurt yet though, and for some reason that happening concerned me.
"Are you sure he won't be bothering us anymore? He doesn't sound like he plans on giving up." Sam was trying to be calm, but I could tell he was a little upset by all of this. He told me how much his relationship with Mercedes had almost kept his and Blaine's from ever starting. I knew Kurt bringing that up had to worry Sam at least, but Blaine didn't seem bothered by it at all.
"I know he won't stop Sammy. It doesn't matter though. He can't get in our way. He thinks I'll be in New York alone. Let him think that. Our choices don't concern him. You and I are the only ones who can decide where our relationship goes."
"You have cavalry now, remember? Rachel and I won't let him mess with anyone. You two can handle him though. He isn't thinking about any of this before he does it, obviously. His kind of crazy isn't exactly hard to combat" I put my arms around both of them to show my support.
"Whatever. He didn't follow us in so hopefully it's over for the night at least. Come on Blaine, I think it's my turn to sing and I think this dance needs a little star power." Rachel started to pull Blaine towards the stage as the doors started to open. We all froze, waiting to see what Kurt would do. It wasn't Kurt that stepped through the doors though, but the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
My heart skipped a beat, and all other motion stopped as the smiling boy walked towards us. I could feel my knees getting weak and the blood rushing to my head forming an embarrassing blush that I couldn't possibly care about. His smile looked pained, but still brightened the room. I blinked, and he was the only one left in sight walking right towards me. My hands were clammy, my throat dry, and every coherent though left my head as I tried desperately to smile back and look composed.
"Sebastian, are you ok?" I blinked again and swallowed hard, trying to return some moisture to my throat. I continued to stare over Sam's shoulder without saying a word, a nervous smile coming to my lips. Sam turned around to look behind me and I saw his hand go in the air and start to wave.
"Ryder! You made it!"