Slight trigger warning. Stuff might get depressing over here.
I starred at myself in the mirror. I tilted my head to the left, scrunching my brows together. Was it that I wasn't perfectly skinny like Micah? She always complains about it, but I don't see the downside. She had a distinct gap between her legs where mine just parted mid-thigh when I stood with my feet together. Her arms were so tiny. Mine weren't large, but they weren't like my roommate's.
Bon Iver poured out of my speakers, flooding my room. I was in my flat, just spending the day inside. Micah was over at Phil's place for the day. Matt was out alone in London, spending the day with some people that he met while he got the groceries.
My friends have always been like that; lovable, friendly. If you didn't immediately fall in love with them then there was something wrong with you. I wasn't always like that though. Matt has always been good at making friends with anyone. I'm not shit at it, but he gets the gold where I'm not even on the team. It's the same way with looks.
I compare myself with everyone that I see. It doesn't matter if it's Samara or Megan Fox, I take all of my flaws and hold them up to whoever it is that I've seen, and mine always lose. Why would Dan like me the way that I like him when I'm... me. Le sigh.
"Come on, skinny love, what happened here?" I lightly sang, embracing the fact that my voice sounds terrible. I think the depressing rainy weather of London has gotten me to look down on a lot of situations. Not that I used to be Little Miss Sunshine, but I wasn't all gloom and doom either. But either way, I knew that I could play this song over and over again and yet never get sick of it.
It's been four days since I talked to Dan. I've been trying my hardest to distance myself. I've been off tumblr for that long, as well as YouTube and facebook. I turned off my phone the other day, but Matt complained about it so I turned it back on. Matt leaves in two days to Manchester with his girlfriend who couldn't get off work until then. I think it's fucking adorable.
I stared at the reflection of my face in the mirror in front of me. My hair was nice, I guess. That's good. I kinda like my eyes. There wasn't much, but I was able to pinch my stomach fat. I lifted up the corner of my sweater, looking at the scars that would never go away. Robbie was terrible, making half of freshman year a living nightmare, literally. It got to a point where I couldn't distinguish what was real and what wasn't due to the way that my dreams were so vivid. I could feel the pain in my sleep, making me feel like there was a never ending amount of bruises.
God, this is too depressing. I tugged down my black jumper and went to investigate in some Kill Bill.
As I was watching, I got out my laptop from under the few books that I hid it under. Soup purred at me and rubbed against my leg while I opened up tumblr. My inbox had messages. What? I never get these.
I'm sorry to say that they weren't good. It wasn't anything about how they liked my blog, my videos, or my friendship with Dan. I breathed in deeply through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. Then I took another look.
"Don't date Dan."
"You're not pretty enough for Dan"
"We only watch your videos cause Dan."
"Can you get off the internet?"
And about 50 others.
I just love anons. Yay. I didn't take them too personally because they were young teenagers all over the world, upset about the fact that I am friends with their celebrity of choice for the moment. But the fact that they went to such lengths to find me, just got on my nerves. I mean, they shipped him with a fucking food, why be upset over him and I being friends? Chuckling, I went back to my dashboard. I was scrolling along when I came across a selfie that Dan took with me photobombing in the background. I smiled a bit, still not in such a good mood.
The rain came down harder, but I tuned it out and turned up the volume on the television. "This is why I'm okay with her.", "at least she's funny", "we couldn't all have him" "personally, Dan was the one photobombing."
The nicer comments on this one picture made me happy. Happy enough to dance? No way in Hell. But happy enough to go get food. I then proceeded to eat the majority of good food that we had in the house and max out my post limit. A solution? The Little Mermaid and finishing up Spirit Tracks for the third time.
Zelda really got on my nerves. Why didn't she save Link? Why couldn't it be Legend of Link with Sheik or Tetra trying to save him from Ganandorf? I mean, she has potential, and I'm sure that she would be able to do it. Why doesn't she? If I was a princess, I'd drive that motherfucking train myself and grab a sword before I left the castle. I'd be able to escape on my own in the first place. BAM a ton of the problems are now resolved. Done.
Maybe it doesn't make for as interesting of a plot as the other version would, but it makes me feel like I'm capable. I didn't care if it was because the majority of players were guys. I just wanted to be able to save myself. I wanted to be able to be independent. Then I wouldn't even have to worry about this entire YouTube situation. "You'd still love me, right, Soup?" I asked my cat. In response, she left the sofa to get some water.
My heart tugged as Dan flooded my thoughts. I saw his brown eyes starring into mine, his perfect smile, his laugh was on loop in my head. I couldn't get him out. He didn't even know the effect that he had on me. I couldn't even focus on the plot line of the movie, sing along to my fabourite Arial songs, or take in the posts that I was scrolling over. I combed my fingers through my brown locks, feeling the slight tugs as the snarls took into effect. This was easy. This is what I wanted life to be like. I wanted it to be as simple as brushing out the tangles in my hair. I could figure this entire mess out just by taking a comb to my head. That was it. Now I needed to figure out how to do that with my mind.
"Hey," Matt came into my bedroom, two mugs of tea in his hands. "What's up, buttercup?"
"Typing out my Spirit Tracks report."
"Sounds like fun."
"Fun as child birth." He chuckled and I saved what I was working on, grabbing the cup from his hands. The beverage was warm and sweet, yet bitter, just the way that tea should be. It took a while for me to get used to any drink other than diet sodas and water, but I appreciate herbal drinks quite often now.
"Are you going to miss me?"
"No." He laughed at me.
"You will. I know you will."
"Oh God, that sounded terrifying!" He touched the scared parts my knees. You would be surprised how often I used to skin them. I always got back up though, no matter how many times I feel off a rock, skateboard, bike, or roller skates.
"But seriously, will you be okay? Dan can take care of you?" I gave him an exasperated look. "I know, I know. I just need to make sure that I can leave my best friend all alone in some far away country."
"First, I'm not alone. I have Soup and Micah. Secondly, I've survived this long. I can continue on."
"I know you can. Oh, God. I'm going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too, You still have a day left, though."
"Yeah, then I leave with Maggie."
"Do you think you have a future with her?"
"Yeah. I mean, she's so perfect. You know I love you, but I can't stop thinking about her, even when I was here in London. It's only been two years, but I feel like I could be with her for a really long time."
"You don't want to rush anything, though."
"Yeah, I know. But, uh, if we did get married, would you like to be the best man?" I laughed.
"If you haven't noticed, I am not male," I pointed out.
"Well, I know that. I just want her to be able to choose the Maid of Honor, so that I can choose the Best Man."
"In that case, yes, I would love to."
Dan's POV
I swung open the door to the lobby of my building, feeling safer in the confined, warm space. Six bags of Tesco's was held in my arms, groceries for the next week or so, though I knew it wouldn't last that long, what with Phil around, eating all my cereal. I pressed the button for the lift, hoping that it would be fairly soon. The little arrow above the door light up as the steel death traps opened.
Atari, Micah, and Him were all standing there. I hate Matt. He stole my girl! When Atari saw me, she hid her head. Did I do something? Oh, God. What happened? "Hi," she said, sheepishly.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Matt's on his way to meet his girlfriend," Micah said. Wait, what?! They're dating? But she's already right there, I thought. Why would he have to go to meet her when she's standing right next to him? Then I took into account the suitcase that he had when I first met him.
"You're leaving already?"
"Yep, I've got a girl to go travel with. She should be arriving pretty soon."
"Sorry that we have to go, Dan. Maybe you could come over later?" Micah suggested. Micah was giving Atari and I googly eyes, switching between the two of us.
"Yeah, sounds like a plan. I have to fix up my latest video. Hey, have fun, don't get lost or anything," I suggested as they waved goodbye and left into the cold. I didn't even know that Matt had a girlfriend. Or maybe he was traveling with Atari. That would suck. But she suggested that I go over later. Girls are so confusing.