a/n: Back already – get me!! I just want to give RCD Alice a little shout out – She is one crazy little reviewer – luv ya chick!!

Chapter 20

EPOV

I could hear faint hushed mumbles surround me along with that ever haunting beep beep beep of the heat monitor, once again.

What had happened?

What had happened to me?

I struggled to remember, my mind still a murky fog. I couldn't think of anything, not right now. I knew I had been at my parents, but why had I ended up here?

Hearing Bella's frustrated voice argue with someone, I tried so desperately to open my eyes to her, just to be able to see her.

The weight that pulled down on them felt like a ton on each eye. I battled with the muscles to open them up, to let me see her.

I tried calling out to her but for some reason I couldn't, quickly realizing I had been intubated. I had a tube forced down into my lungs to help me breath.

Had I been that bad.

What had happened to me? I still couldn't understand it.

Quickly, I gave up trying to call on her. It was useless, so I fought to open my eyes again.

The sound of her sob, the pain she was in was enough to finally let me fight off the tiredness my body had felt and I opened my eyes, seeing Bella sit on the chair looking up to my father.

I still couldn't talk and she hadn't noticed I had woken up. With all the strength I had in me I slid my hand across the harsh crisp hospital linen, reaching for her.

My dad registered the moment and he quickly turned to me, rushing over to me, but I didn't need him, I needed Bella.

"Edward..?" She breathed as she jumped to her feet, instantly taking my hand and brushing past my father to look at me.

Her eyes sparkled in the light, the moisture reflecting the light beams off of her eyes. The outsides of her eyes were all red and puffy. She had been crying hard and I didn't know why or how, or why or how that I was even here in the first place.

She kissed me firmly on the forehead and the warm, plump cushion of her lips felt like home.

I had been away from her for so long that the need I felt for her to be in my arms, pierce my heart like a dagger.

Quickly, she looked back down at me, her eyes meeting mine all over again. "Are you okay?" she asked me in a rush.

I couldn't talk with this tube down my throat and all I could give was the smallest moment from my head. I didn't know if I was answering her a yes or a no.

"Bella, why don't you go outside and wait, I'll get him all fixed up for you and you can see him in a few minutes.

"No." she practically growled at my dad. I was taken aback at her tone, but I could understand it. If her body missed mine like I had missed her, she wouldn't want to leave. I didn't want her to leave.

"I'm staying." she told him a little calmer, her tone slightly apologetic. But only just.

"I need you to go. I need to check over him." her told her a bit firmer.

She let out a small sob "Do I have too? I don't want to leave him." she told him before she turned to me. "I don't want to leave you, not ever, not ever again."

I had sent her away and this was what happened to me. She had been petrified to leave me, telling me I needed someone there.

It was that thought that gave me a flash back to what had happened. I felt myself falling, landing over something.

"The sooner you go, the sooner you get back." he told her a little more gently and she nodded at his words.

Reaching down to me, she kissed me once again on the forehead and whispered that she loved me into my ear before kissing my cheek.

With a few hesitant backward glances, she headed out the door.

Looking up to my dad, he was caught up in a moment of thought as he watched her leave and continued to stare at the closed door.

Looking down at me, I noticed, his eyes too were glazed over.

Snapping back into the doctor once again, he told me that he was going to pull out the tube. He spoke slow and deliberate so that I would understand him, but of course I understood him. I knew exactly how to put in and one of these tubes, hell, I could most likely do it in my sleep.

He pulled the surgical tape that secured it, off of my face ever so gently before trying to help me sit up a little.

At his order, I coughed, I kept coughing, all the time I could feel the tube sit across my windpipe, being dragged up. It didn't hurt exactly, just really uncomfortable.

With that, it was out and I collapsed back into the hospital bed completely exhausted.

"What happened?" I could barely speak but I was desperate to know just exactly how I had ended up in here. It was still a complete blind spot.

"You had an attack. A pretty bad one." his face was etched in the soft lines of his age, he looked old and he looked tired. He didn't look his usual self at all and I worried that I had made him look like that, that worry for me had taken his toll on him.

He didn't make much eye contact as he played about with the heart monitor, leaving it on.

Usually it would be turned off once I was awake.

My throat was in flames but I pushed through it to speak "How bad?"

"We really didn't know what the outcome was going to be until you woke up, but you seem fine." he told me with that glint still resting in his eye. "We'll check everything though now you're awake." It was as if he was speaking to himself with that one.

"How long was I out for?" never had I been out more than a day, never.

"Two and a half days." he told me rather mournfully.

I was shocked with that one. What had happened. I could almost remember now though. It was beginning to come back to me but I pushed it aside needing to know the most important thing.

"How is Bella?" It hurt to speak the words and it hurt to think them.

"She...she's good. Stubborn as ever, wouldn't leave you. I tried to give her something, to keep her calm but she wouldn't take it. Stubborn like you in that way too, I suppose." He smiled slight, seeming amused. "You two are so alike but are completely different at the same time."

I wanted to say something to him, but it would be too sore to get all my words out so I stayed silent.

We were silent for a moment, my father stood stature still, deep in thought before he spoke. "You know, I have things we need to talk about. Will I get Bella, first?" He sounded like the doctor again and it worried me.

I tried to sit up a little, question him on his tone. "What's happening?" the words, still painful to come out.

"I think it would be best if I got Bella." He gave a small nod before walking to the door to go and get her.

My stomach knotted, was he really concerned about me, that I needed Bella, I would always need Bella, but for him to go and get her, his tone he gave...I felt sick with worry.

Bella walked into the room straight away, rushing up to my side and peppering my face with small gentle kisses.

She told me countless times that she loved me, but I couldn't tell her back, I loved her, it was just such a job to speak.

I saw some water by my bed and pointed to it, Bella, reaching for it along with a straw sitting beside it, waiting for me.

Taking a few small sips I felt it slide down my throat a little uncomfortably but I felt like I could attempt to speak again.

Pulling away from the water, Bella placed it back up at the side as I waved her in to me.

Naturally, she pulled down to me and I could smell her smell as her hair waived between us a little.

I didn't care if my father was in the room. Bella was here and that's all that mattered to me. "I love you, too." I finally managed to croak out as Bella's watery eyes turned back to me.

My dad broke the moment with a small cough. He wanted to get this over with. That worried me more.

We both turned to look at him, Bella grasping on to my hand.

"When we found you, Edward, you were slumped on the floor, over your holdall, I assume you were trying to get to your medication. You had ate a couple of hours before, you had been eating pretty regularly actually. You were trying hard to look after yourself so this wouldn't happen. But it did." He gave a small sigh and Bella and myself remained quiet. "From what I can tell, you're officially growing out of the AIP..." I smiled at that one, finally it would all be over soon.

"Please, don't get too ahead of yourself. It can take a couple of years before it stops. The attacks, the physical and emotional ones become less and less often but can get worse when they do happen. As I'm sure you can see. To help stop it I want to prescribe you Diazipam-"

"What?" I tried to shout, instantly feeling the pain of my words.

"Edward, give me a minute to explain." He tried.

I fought with my voice. "No, I don't want any of that..." I tried to finish but I couldn't.

He looked down at me, knowing I wasn't able to argue back this time, so he took it, he took advantage of the situation and spoke over me.

"It will be the lowest dose you can take, any problems and we will stop with it straight away but you need to try something. This could have killed you."

I felt Bella wipe at my face and I realized that I had shed a few tears. This was my idea of hell and they all knew it. They knew I never wanted to be put on medication for it. I controlled it through my diet as best as I could. But that didn't seem to be working any more.

I shook my head, telling him no as he continued to look down at me.

"I know what your thoughts on this are, Edward, I do. But you need to try something. There will be another attack and it could be worse next time."

I heard Bella take a sharp intake of breath as she gripped tighter on my hand.

"A couple of years, the lowest dose and then it will be over." He promised. "If it has any side effects, we think of something else." he shrugged.

"I'm a doctor, I don't take medication." I croaked out defiantly.

"God, that is your problem. You think because you have to take medication, an anti depressant that you are slapped with a label, that your stupid, incompetent, crazy. It's not true. You know that. Why do you see it as something it's not. It will help you, it could possibly just save your life." He ranted. He was mad.

I had prescribed anti depressants before but I saw them as something else when it came to me. That I would become someone else, something else. I knew it wasn't the case, that with trial and error, they would find the best solution for the people who needed them.

Often the people that needed them were even more successful in there life than what I was.

It was just seen as such a black spot to the outside world and the people who didn't want to understand what I meant.

But I still hated the idea of ever taking them, as shallow and as wrong of me, I felt that I was somehow different to them, that my position would be compromised. Legally, I knew it never would be.

I closed my eyes trying to block it all out – I wanted to be unconscious again.

"We'll think about it. We'll talk about it." I heard Bella tell my father.

Quickly opening my eyes "No." I whispered out.

"Yes." she told me just as firmly telling me the conversation was over for the time being.

My father stood, watching over us for a moment. "Everyone wants to see you, Edward."

I nodded telling him to let them in. Bella and I could talk about this soon enough. Right now, all I wanted to do was forget about it.

All my family had been in, crowding up my room but I actually enjoyed having them there. I wanted time alone with Bella, but for once I wasn't demanding them out of my room. It was good to see that even if I hadn't been here, she had all of them around her.

They had all eventually began to fade out until it was only Bella and myself once again. My father insisted on waiting around the ward to drive her back home to my parents for the evening. At least I knew she would be well looked after there.

My throat was still a little sore, but with practice, I was now able to speak, still pretty quiet, but it wasn't as much of a task now.

I slid across the bed, letting Bella lay next to me, chest to chest.

I kissed her like the horny teenager I used to be, my body fully aware of just the lack of contact we had over the past few days.

She giggled like a school girl when I palmed her backside, pulling her further into me.

I had no energy, but somehow I was able to manage this.

There was a strange feeling that passed across the bottom of my rib cage. It was unusual enough for me to break away and look down between us.

"Did you feel that?" I asked a little curious. I didn't know if it was my own stomach muscles acting out on there own after my attack.

Looking back up, she had a sheepish smile on her face. "It's the baby." she instantly bit down on her lip after the bit of news.

I could feel my eyes open wide at her words. The baby was moving?

"When?" I asked, needing to know everything.

Her face faltered a little and the grip on her lip tightened.

Pulling it out with my finger I asked again, "When?"

"The other night. I went to call you but your mum was calling me at the same time to tell me you were in hospital." I felt like shit, I had once again managed to take something and spoil it for her.

"I...I haven't told anyone. I wanted you to be the first to know. That was the fourth time I have felt them, just small little rolls." she shrugged.

The smile on my face got bigger and I kissed her again. "Thank you." I didn't know what I was thinking her for...everything perhaps.

"So..."She began. "about the diazepam... I think we should try it." she let out low, knowing I was against it. Her eyes dropped as she spoke, knowing too well I would argue her on it.

"It's Valium, Bella, that's all it is, it isn't something that's going to cure me and it's got side effects."

"I know what it is, okay. And I know that there can sometimes be side effects but you don't know until you try it. It will be a low dosage if you do take it."

I sighed because I knew she would go on about it until I did try it.

"Were going to have a baby and I need to be able to help you with them. That stuff, it helps you sleep-"

"I can manage nights on my own." she jumped in.

"I would still be able to get up and help, but it will be harder for me to get up."

"Doesn't it began to wear away a little, that's why they increase the dose if you have been taking it a while. You're not taking it to fall asleep with, its to help the seizures-"

She cut her self off as my eyes narrowed at her. How did she know so much about it?

"Come on, you didn't think after all these years together I didn't research the hell out of it?" She told me as if I was daft, and apparently I was. I had underestimated just exactly her knowledge on my condition. The anti depressants were a normal procedure when it came to seizures – the small dose, it was all that was needed to keep the edge over it and control them. Only a higher dose would be able to control the emotional black spots.

"Don't try to tell me any lies, and don't try to sugar coat it either. I need the truth."

I laughed a little at how stubborn she was, god, she was unbelievable. My dad was right, we were so alike but completely different at the same time.

"I'm not lying and I'm not sugar coating it. I just don't want to take them in case they interfere with my life.

"You need to try it and see before you know that though. Just try it, for a little while. I can't have you dead. I couldn't live without you, I can't have a baby on my own. I won't cope. It's suicide Edward if you don't."

She was right. I wasn't jumping of a pier but it was all the same. And I would be leaving her behind with my baby if I didn't try. I couldn't do that to her or them. I needed to be here to support them both, especially if the baby had my condition.

I scrunched my eyes up in defeat. "Fine, I'll try it. Any bad effects though Bella and I'm coming off if."

She nodded understanding as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thank you. I promise, anything bad and you can stop them. But thank you for trying."

She kissed my ear and in inhaled her scent, happy to stay like this all night if I could.

I wanted so badly to punch my fathers smug face as he handed me the little plastic cup with half of the valium in it.

To say that he was happy that Bella had talked me into taking it would be an understatement.

"Anything bad and I swear, I'm off it." I growled to him.

"Yes, but do remember you need to let your body adjust to the medication, there could be side effects, but they could fade after a little time. Give it six months." he ordered.

"I know fine how this works, I'll give it four. If things aren't normal, or too much for me to handle. I'm off it."

He sighed deeply, fed up. "Fine, four months."

I smiled at my own little victory. "Bottoms up." and knocked back the little half pill back my throat.

I felt some sense of shame in myself. I had always believed I was too strong to need medication like this, but here I was, for Bella and my baby's sake, taking it.

"I'll get the prescription written up for you. You take the one milligram twice a day and it will keep a hold over the seizures. Its a small price to pay for your life, Edward. Make sure you take them, for all our sakes. If Bella had to guilt trip you into taking it, I take my hat off to her for having the effect on you, that she was able do that. No one else has managed it."

"Morning Doctor Jekyll, I heard you're on the medication for the crazy." Rose quipped as she came with a large smile on her face.

Only her could get away with this, she herself had been given Valium to help her cope after her news of not being able to have children. She had been a wreck, jumpy, not sleeping and very low. They had gave it to her for only a couple of weeks to make sure she managed to get back on her feet okay. And she had, she struggled, it wasn't a wonder drug, but it had gave her mind a little rest when she needed it and she managed to slowly file her life back into order.

I never questioned her taking it, so I didn't understand why I was still questioning myself for taking it.

"You know, when the men in white coats come looking for us, we can be rommies." she teased.

"Like I would share a room with you." I quipped back and all she did was give a comic pout and a little shrug.

Bella came up by my side, kissing me quickly on the lips as she pulled herself up on the bed with a little struggle. Getting on to her spot, she pulled herself into me, letting me wrap my arm around her. It was all I could manage but it was all we both needed.

She didn't say hi, she didn't speak at all, and I never spoke to her either. We didn't need to.

I spoke with the rest of my family all day with Bella clinging onto my side the entire time. She did give the odd nod and occasional grunt but she seemed tired so I didn't push for anything.

Eventually she had nodded off while everyone was still in. They left, giving Bella and myself some privacy.

I was exhausted myself. My attack had been severe and all I wanted to to was to seep, despite being passed out for the past two and a half days.

My father silently came back into my room, giving me my half a pill of Valium before silently leaving us once again.

Shifting in my bed, I got comfortable without disturbing her. Pulling her into me I let her scent envelope me as I fell asleep with her still in my arms.

I woke up a while later to her gone. It was late and she had left for the night. I laughed at the fact not a word had been spoken to each other but that we still had managed to give each other exactly what we needed.

Two days later and I finally got home.

I was put under strict orders to lay low and that my dad would give me a proper check over before he declared me fit for work.

The fact that I had to take the valium only seemed to add insult to injury. I felt like I was being monitored before I was set back out into the public domain.

The night of the attack had came flooding back to me eventually. I had went to bed not long after diner and fell asleep. I had been trembling almost uncontrollably all day and it had take it out of me and wakening up I knew I was on the brink of a fit and got up to look out my medication but I was too late.

I had been found a almost an hour later by my mother, slumped over my hold all, my medication still inside the bag.

After taking what felt like days to climb the stairs to our apartment, I finally got back in to my home, the place where I hadn't been for a week.

Bella closed the door behind me as I walked through to the lounge, needing the seat badly after climbing the stairs.

Sitting back on the cold leather, I relished the fact I was home and there was no one else around except Bella. I had been fussed over in the hospital and the days before my attack I had been so dark, I was scared of the way my head had felt.

Now I felt normal, as if someone had flicked a switch. I knew that the anti depressants for my seizures had a little to do with it too. So far the only side effect was when I went to sleep, it felt like I had been knocked out. It was a little harder to wake up too but I knew it would lessen in time. The dose was too low to have any long term effect on my sleep. I would sleep well with them, but in time I wouldn't struggle as much to wake up. I only hoped that happened before the baby got here. It wasn't fair on Bella if that was the case and also, the sleep deprivation and bonding in the middle of the night was all part of being a parent. I didn't want to miss any of it if I didn't have too.

Besides, I was growing out of my condition. I may have out grown it by the time the baby got here.

I could at least hope.

Bella had followed me through and sat down beside me before stretching out on the couch and resting her head on my lap. I loved it. I always forgot how great the small things actually were until any time I got home from hospital. It was like seeing for the first time.

"I was thinking, since you have been eating nothing but rabbit food in hospital, we should have something bad..." She smiled up at me.

I knew exactly what she wanted. More of those damn corndogs.

"This isn't you pushing for another corndog is it?" I teased as I let my fingers run through her hair.

She laughed and rolled her eyes at me. "Okay, fine, I want a corndog. I think it's the least I deserve."

"Just exactly how many have you had of them this week?" I asked carefully. I wasn't picking at her, I was jut worried about the amount of crap she wanted to consume. Bella could be any size or shape and she would still be beautiful. I was worried about her well-being.

"I only had one with Jasper after we built the crib." she told me in a rush trying to defend herself.

"Crib?" I asked more than a little surprised. Then I remembered that it was meant to be delivered this week.

"Yeh, I forgot all about it until the guy knocked on the door. You told me to go and do something..." she shrugged.

"So you built a crib?" I asked still in total shock that she had built it.

"Well I tried and I couldn't, so I cried." she laughed. "The next day I gave it a go and Jasper arrived and he helped me." She smiled as if she was proud of herself. So she should be. I was proud of her...and Jasper.

"I was going to call someone to to that." I sighed and she burst into a fit of laughter.

"I said that that Jasper."

I jokingly narrowed my eyes at her. I was no good with a bloody screwdriver. I bought some shit toolbox in an attempt to be more practical but if it didn't involve some kind of bodily fluid, I was lost. It just wasn't something I could do.

"Can I see it?" I asked more than a little excited. After everything we had been through, the tiny little Bella shoes was all that we had bought for the baby.

Bella bounced up on to her feet before tugging at my hand trying to help me up. I let her think she helped me a little, thought there was no way I was letting her lift even a pound of my body weight. I would wrap her up in cotton wool if I had too. Bella and the baby's health was the main priority in my life.

I followed her through to the nursery, which had nothing in it except the crib that sat in the middle of the room.

It was perfect and Bella and Jasper had made a good team at building it up. I was impressed, and also a little jealous.

I put it to the side though because Bella had done what I had asked of her, she had kept her self busy when I had sent her away. And it was me who had sent Jasper around to check that she was okay.

I had never wanted her to leave, but she needed too. I knew the stress that I could cause on her and I knew the stress that could cause complications in pregnancy, or for her to lose the baby. I would never allow an attack to cause that. Ever. If I had to send her away, even when all I wanted was to keep her with me, I would do it. I would always have someone that would be able to check on her.

"Okay, smart ass, you get a corndog." she laughed a little while bouncing on the pads of her feet, and I reached out, pulling her into me tight. "I'm impressed, love." I kissed her temple and felt that the whole situation just got a lot more real. And I couldn't have been happier.

a/n: Please review!! if you do – you get a little hint about the next chappy ;) ok I don't normally do that but you will be given a little bit of info on it – just this once!!

Also I have a vid that will be uploaded onto YT some point tomorrow so check out my page YT page later. Its a vid for my other newer fic – The Stains Are Coming