"Hi Hales," Nathan said her nickname in a way no one else did, like he was cherishing her with the simple word. Haley looked down at him and sighed. He was sitting sprawled out on one of the deck chairs, looking better than anyone had a right to especially when they'd been drinking, and yet she felt more the urge to cry than to sit down with him. She'd thought that taking the "rip off the Band-Aid" approach would be easiest, just say goodbye and get it over with, but after her talk with Brooke and more than a few tears, she'd realized it wasn't going to work. A month earlier when a psychic told her that someone's departure from her life would devastate her, she'd been a little nervous at first, but had eventually blown it off as an exaggeration. The way she was feeling when he hadn't even left yet had her doubting her decision and expecting things to only get worse.
She didn't understand how someone who had been in her life for such short amount of time could make such a huge impact. He'd fit into her life so seamlessly that she had to remind herself sometimes how brief their relationship had been. He "got" her in a way that no one, not even Brooke or Lucas, did anymore. She could be herself with him without second guessing what he'd think of her or worrying about upsetting the way he thought of her by doing something unexpected. At least she could before she'd developed a crush on him. She didn't even know how she let that happen. It felt like one minute she'd been goofing off and teasing him and the next she'd been noticing how blue his eyes were and how his shirt clung to the muscles of his chest. Her heart started racing and she'd felt like she needed to check her mouth for drool. Of course she'd noticed his looks before, but all of a sudden, she'd felt the need to feel those muscles pressed to hers, those eyes staring into soul. He had hugged her and it had felt so right and so wrong at the same time that it had caused her to panic and push him away. Now, she was doing it again and she had to stop. No matter how he felt or didn't feel about her, she couldn't let him down after how wonderful he'd been.
So, after drying her tears and putting the final touches on the essay she'd been working on, she'd finally resigned herself to going and playing the best buddy, unable to let him go without at least having that. She knew it might make the hurt even worse, but she was like a moth to a flame and couldn't stay away. Haley was good at doing the right thing, the things people expected of her, so she convinced herself things were for the best and came to the party determined to have a good time, but when he smiled at her it was too easy to realize what she was losing.
"It looks like maybe you had a few drinks," she moved over to sit on the edge of the chair and handed him a bottle of water. "Having fun?"
"Not really," he shrugged, the alcohol rushing through his system making him less guarded than usual. He took a long drink, the ice cold liquid helping cool him in the still hot and humid night air. "I've been looking for you all night, I was starting to think you weren't coming."
She accepted the accusation, knowing the truth was she had tried to stay away. She wanted to tell him that it hurt too much to see him and that she wished they had more time. She wanted to ask him if there was ever a chance that he could feel the same way she had started to feel and tell him that she'd wait if that's what it took. She shook her head, knowing she couldn't take that risk. Instead, she pasted on a smile she hoped looked more genuine than it felt and was actually glad for a moment he was at least buzzed so he wouldn't notice, "Well I'm here now."
He smiled again, reaching out and playing with the ends of her loose hair, "It's beautiful out here," he told her, his tone wistful. He wished the other people out on the other side of the deck would leave and let them enjoy the moment in peace. It hit him that he might not ever have another moment like this with her, "It's endless, the possibilities."
Haley nodded and Nathan moved closer, "Have you ever wondered what it would have been like if my dad had known about me from birth? Maybe I would've been raised right here alongside Lucas. We could've known each other our whole lives."
Haley tilted her head to the side, for the first time considering that outcome. Would she have come to have these feelings for him if that had been the case, or would she see him as a brother like she did Lucas? She looked at their hands where his fingers had almost automatically entwined with hers, finding the odds of ever thinking of him in that fashion to be negligible. "It's hard to imagine your mom would've ever let you go."
"She could come too. We could be one big, messy, dysfunctional family," he chuckled, looking over at Haley's horrified face.
"You know, there are times when I'm jealous of how he's grown up, not having to worry about money or safety. I mean, I like my life, I do, and I wouldn't trade my mom or Q or any of it, but I'm going to miss the freedom I've had here. I've always had school, and work, and basketball, and helping my mom... I've never had the chance just do whatever I want and not have to worry about how to get there or how much it costs. It's a heady feeling."
Haley agreed, "It is." She'd always been a little envious of Lucas for that. It wasn't that he didn't work, but he did it to help his mom, not because he had to help his family make ends meet. He didn't think twice about throwing a party in a house big enough to hold hers three times over and then paying for it to be cleaned. Sometimes, she wondered how they managed to stay friends with as different as their lives were.
"It's not real though," he turned his eyes to her and suddenly he didn't seem like someone who had been drinking, he seemed intense, like he was sharing a piece of his soul. "It's like a once in a lifetime vacation. It's wonderful and eye opening and you want to stay forever, but if you do, it won't be magical anymore. Eventually, most of us have to go back to real life." He brushed his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand, "I'm going to miss you Hales. I want you to know..."
"I'm going to miss you too Nathan, I..." their words overlapped.
"Nate? Where are you man?"
They both went quiet at the yell, hoping being in the shadows would be enough for them to go undetected.
"Come on, I know you're out here. Lucas wants you inside to do some toast or something. Please don't make come looking for you. I don't like the dark."
Nathan and Haley looked at each other, "Tim," they both whispered, trying to keep from giggling and giving themselves away.
They stayed still, hoping he'd give up, "Come on Nate...He'll kick my ass if I don't bring you back."
Nathan reluctantly pulled away. It seemed like there was never a good time for them and he wondered if maybe he should take it as a sign, "I better go..."
"Yeah, I haven't seen Brooke yet and I'm sure she's worried," Haley tucked her hair behind her ear. "I..."
"Meet me tomorrow," Nathan cut her off. "I don't know if I'll get another chance to really talk to you tonight and there are some things I need to tell you. Just..." he ran his hand through his hair as he heard Tim call for him again. "Just come for breakfast at the docks, okay? 7am?"
Haley nodded her agreement, "I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay tonight, I just wanted to say bye and now..." she shook her head, "you better go. I'll see you first thing tomorrow."
They both stood and Nathan reached out to give her a hug. "I'm really glad you came."
Haley closed her eyes and rested her head against his strong chest. It wasn't the first time they'd hugged, but each time she relished the feeling of being protected and yet made stronger at the same time. She feared it would be the last time she'd ever be so close to him again and she found herself trying to memorize the feeling to hold onto forever. "Me too."
Nathan searched the crowd, once again trying to catch a glimpse of Haley in the throng of people. Lucas had outdone himself and invited what seemed like the entire state, but the one person he wanted to see had gotten separated from him over an hour ago. He'd caught a glimpse of her talking to Brooke during the toast, but then she'd disappeared again and he wondered if she'd gone home.
He kept an eye out for her as he met new people whose names he'd never remember, despite the fact that the water and fresh air had done wonders for how he felt. He decided he'd had enough and was going to head home, but first he wanted to find Lucas and tell him he was leaving. He searched the main rooms and then someone told him they thought he'd gone into the trophy room. Following their directions, he entered a large study type room with a large desk and built in shelves that covered the entirety of one wall. Those shelves were full of trophies, awards, and other basketball memorabilia. The opposite wall had framed Scott jersey's from Tree Hill and UNC as well as a signed Michael Jordan Tar heel jersey. As with the rest of the house, the room screamed wealth and privilege, despite the group of teens and bottles of alcohol spread all over it.
"Nathan," Brooke yelled, despite the room's relatively small size. "Come play with us."
He walked closer, checking out the people sitting on the leather sofa, chairs, and even a few on the floor that was littered with empty bottles. "We're playing I never," Julian added, lifting the bottle of tequila in his hand. "If you've done what the person says, you have to do a shot of this."
Nathan was familiar with the game, although it had been done with beer, not shots, back home. It wasn't his favorite game, but seeing Haley sitting next to Brooke was enough to make him stay and join in. It couldn't be too bad if she was playing. Brooke gestured him over to the couch and then scooted over to make a small space for him to sit between her and Haley. He looked at her like she was crazy and she stuck her tongue out at him before moving to sit on her boyfriend's lap, leaving him enough room to fit.
He sat down, not sure if he should be grateful or angry with Brooke's interference. Of course he wanted to sit next to Haley, he always wanted to be wherever she was, but things were still a little awkward between them and he didn't want to chance doing anything to make it worse. Playing drinking games while virtually pressed up against her seemed like a recipe for disaster.
"I've never peed outside," one of the giggling girls sitting near Luke got the game going again, causing all the guys and surprisingly Haley to groan and take a drink. Everyone looked at her and she crossed her arms, pouting, "We were camping. Where else was I supposed to go?"
"Never have I ever been arrested," one of the guys took his turn, laughing as Lucas, Tim, and surprisingly Haley and Brooke all took drinks. Nathan looked at Haley in confusion and she pointed her finger at her best friend, "It was his fault. Stupid jerk."
"We might have gotten caught trying to steal," he looked at Haley's face and rolled his eyes, "borrow, the huge Pirate hat the hicks mascot was going to wear for our homecoming game last year."
"If the team is called the hicks why do they have a pirate hat?" Nathan was confused.
"Their mascot is officially a pirate, we just call them the hicks because they're well...different," Lucas explained.
"And it's way out in Nowheresville," Brooke added. "It's like in a different country or something."
Haley rolled her eyes, leaning past Nathan, "county. It's in another county."
"Right," Brooke grinned, moving so she was actually straddling Julian's lap. She burped and giggled as she covered her mouth, "They sound so much the same."
Haley and Nathan shared a smile at her statement before Rachel stood up, "I've never had a one night stand," she grinned, refilling her glass and taking a drink, "Oh wait, I have," she laughed, making it obvious she'd taken more than her share that evening. "I hope I don't have to drink for every time..."
Nathan grimaced and reached for a drink, drawing a few oohs and awws from the crowd despite several others, including his brother, drinking as well. He felt Haley stiffen and didn't have to look to know her eyes held confusion and disappointment in them. He didn't have to admit it he guessed, no one else here was privy to his history, but he hadn't even thought about it. Most of his friends already knew and would've expected him to take the drink. Besides, if he and Haley managed to stay friends, she'd find out anyway and then it would be worse because he lied. Sighing, he kept his eyes forward as she scooted further toward the armrest and away from him. Suddenly that side of him felt cold and he wasn't sure if it was from missing her body heat or from the way she was freezing him out.
After another trip around the room, where thankfully he only had to take one more drink, Brooke decided she'd been at about her limit and changed the game to Truth or Dare.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Haley tried to stop her, "I think we've all done enough for tonight."
"Noooo," Brooke whined, "I want to keep playing. It's so much fun. Pleeeeassse Haley? Please play?"
"Let her go Brooke," Rachel said, drawing everyone's attention to them. "You know she's a baby and she won't do anything fun. She's a complete waste for a game like this, I don't get why you guys even invite her to these things."
Haley looked over at Nathan for the first time since she'd moved away from him. He looked relieved at her attention and she felt bad for her reaction. He had a right to do whatever he pleased, it wasn't like they were dating, she'd just been disappointed. She'd thought he was better than the other guys she'd met so far and it took her a little while to remember that he whatever he'd done in his past, he'd shown her that in every way she could see, he was. Making the decision to put his past where it belonged, she attempted to gauge his reaction to the game before she made a decision. He seemed willing to play and annoyed with Rachel for her comments, although Haley had to admit Rachel was partially right. She didn't mind playing I Never because she rarely had to drink more than a couple times, and she hadn't really done anything worth being embarrassed about, but she usually begged off Truth or Dare. She didn't think she was a waste, but she didn't like doing anything outside her comfort zone and she didn't like people knowing her secrets. Still, Nathan was obviously more worldly than she was and she didn't want to look like a loser or child in front of him, sure that would go a long way toward keeping her firmly in the friend zone. "Okay, I guess I can play for a little while."
"Yay," Brooke squealed, leaning down and giving her boyfriend a celebration kiss. "I'm so proud of my little Tutor Girl. She's all grown up."
Nathan placed his hand on her Haley's arm, causing her to turn back to him, "You don't have to play if you don't feel comfortable with it. We can go if you want. No one will think less of you."
Haley looked around the room and knew that wasn't true. Hell, even she would think less of herself. When did she start being the girl that everyone needed to protect, that people thought was too weak to play a simple game? It was no wonder he only thought of her as a friend, "I'm good," she assured him, before looking over at Brooke. She forced excitement into her voice, "Who's first?"
The game started on the other side of the room and was pretty mild, most people choosing truth until it was Rachel's turn, "Dare," she said, staring across the room at Nathan before looking back at the person choosing for her, "Give me something good."
"Flash us all," Jabar threw out.
"That's too easy," she rolled her eyes, pouting.
"Not as easy as you are," Lucas added, "most everyone here has already seen it all."
The guys laughed and hooted at his statement and Rachel flicked him off, "Not like you're exactly Mr. Innocent Scott."
"No, " Tim cut off the blonde Scott's response, looking more serious than Nathan had ever seen him, "It's my choice and I want her to lick the inside of the toilet. Apparently, her mouth likes being places it shouldn't."
The boys laughed even harder, slapping Tim on the back and goofing around. Rachel's smile faltered slightly and Nathan assumed something had gone on between the two, something more than what either had admitted about their parting of ways. Rachel looked back at him and eventually, stomped off to the bathroom, a group of people hastily following to watch.
"I think Rachel cheated on him," Brooke turned to Haley, her "whisper" loud enough to be heard by everyone nearby, "I heard something earlier."
"Are you surprised? I didn't think they were even a real couple," Haley answered back. "I always thought she's was just using him to get invited to things."
"Well he thought they were," Julian told them. "He looks like he was pretty hurt."
They looked over at where he was leaning against the wall, having moved away from the rest of the guys, "I really hate her," Brooke said as she walked back into the room, grabbing a bottle off the table and taking a big swig.
"We know," Julian laughed, "you tell us all the time."
Brooke pouted as the game started up again, not really paying attention until it was her turn. She started to say dare, but Julian cautioned her, "You've had a lot to drink and things are getting a little dicey...just, maybe truth would be best."
Brooke nodded, accepting his advice although disappointed, and answered her question, adding a middle finger to the end of her response before turning to Nathan, "Truth or dare?"
Nathan looked at Haley's friend and debated his answer. He figured she wouldn't ask him anything too bad, but she was pretty drunk so there was no way of knowing. He'd already upset Haley once and didn't want to risk that happening again, but a dare could be equally risky. Deciding that nothing that had been required so far was that bad, he decided to go with a dare.
"This is an easy one," Brooke grinned, "kiss the prettiest girl in the room."
There was a murmur across the room as people wondered who he'd choose. Most people from their school would choose either Brooke herself or Rachel, but Nathan hadn't shown any interest in either, much to the redhead's dismay.
Nathan closed his eyes, realizing the dangerous position Brooke had put him in. If he kissed Haley, he risked scaring her away for good, if he chose anyone else, it was like saying to her face he thought someone else was better than her. He looked around the room at all the expectant faces before coming to rest on Haley's. She wasn't looking at him, instead looking past him to glare at her oblivious friend, and he took the chance to really look at her. She was beautiful and she didn't even try, or realize it for that matter, which made her so refreshing. He'd thought so from their first meeting and getting to know her only intensified that feeling. He wanted to kiss her so bad he had to ball his hands up into fists to keep from reaching out and pulling her into him. As if she could feel his eyes on her she turned her head and met his stare, her eyes widening and her mouth turning down in what he assumed was worry. She looked scared to death that he might kiss her and his heart plummeted to his feet at the realization. Still, he couldn't bring himself to choose anyone else. It wouldn't be fair to them, and frankly he had no interest, so he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. His eyes searched hers, hoping to find he'd read her wrong, but once again being disappointed as she quickly pulled back away from him.
"That doesn't count," Brooke whined, drawing his attention and making him remember there was an entire room full of people watching.
"You didn't specify," Nathan argued, "You just said a kiss." He leaned back and away from Haley. He wanted to finish off the bottle of gin on the table in front of him, but dreaded the hangover he was already probably heading for. Maybe he should skip the drinking and just jump in his car and head home. He could immerse himself back into basketball and try to forget any of this summer ever happened. He closed his eyes and saw her bottomless brown eyes behind his lids, fat chance of forgetting those.
"He's right," Julian agreed, his hand rubbing her back as he tried to calm her down, "just let it go."
"But he ruined it," she whimpered, "that shouldn't count."
"Look at little miss innocent," an angry Rachel spat, "such a little goody goody that even a pity kiss has to be on her cheek."
"Stop it," Nathan said, snapping out of his little pity party. He might be hurt, but that didn't mean he was going to let anyone talk to her that way, "you have no right..."
"Just shut up bitch," Haley stood up, surprising everyone into silence. "I'm so sick of your crap. Just because you threw yourself at him and he still wasn't interested doesn't mean you have a right to talk to people like that. We're friends and you're not. Get the hell over yourself." She turned and marched out of the now silent room, everyone turning back to Rachel's stunned form the minute she closed the door behind her.
"She's right," Brooke said, carefully disentangling from her boyfriend, "We're all sick of you. Go be a slut somewhere else." She stood and after stumbling and steadying herself, followed her friend from the room.
"I think that's enough for tonight," Lucas said, standing himself and glaring at Rachel, "especially you."
Haley paced back and forth as Brooke sat on the bed, holding her head in her hands. Haley had needed some time to cool down from what had happened and headed straight for Lucas' room. It was one of only two rooms, the other being his parents room, that people knew they weren't allowed to use.
"I'm sorry...I've seen the way he looks at you and I was sure he would choose you and everything would work out..." Brooke's voice was soft when she looked up, "I just want you to be happy.
"I know," Haley tried to calm herself, "but you just made it worse. Rachel was right, he only kissed me because he didn't know who else to choose. If you noticed, he looked the entire room over before he chose me and even then he could only bring himself to kiss me on the cheek. He doesn't feel anything romantic for me."
"I don't think that's true..." Brooke tried to protest. "I didn't want it to turn out like this, I didn't want you hurt. Damn him."
"I'll be fine," Haley promised, sitting next to her on the bed. "It' was simple crush on a good looking guy. I'll get over it."
Nathan had been looking all over for the missing girls, but the place was like labyrinth of hallways. Just as he was about to give up, he finally heard them through an open door as he walked down the upstairs hallway.
"I don't think it's that easy," Brooke doubted her friend's assertion.
"You're right, life isn't easy. It isn't a fairytale where everything works out. No matter how hard you try to push us together, we aren't going to magically become this storybook couple. We are friends and that's all we're ever meant to be," Haley said, not sure who she was trying hardest to convince. "I wish you would just accept that. Not everyone needs to be part of a couple to be happy. I have other things I want to do with my life."
She stood up, getting frustrated all over again, "I can't believe you did that to me," Haley shook her head at her friend, tears leaking down her cheeks. "You put both of us in a terrible position. Do you have any idea how wrong that was?"
"I'm sorry Haley," Brooke apologized, "I wasn't thinking, I had this idea and...I would never hurt you on purpose. It was supposed to be fun."
"Well it wasn't," Haley leaned back against the wall, her feet sliding out from under her. "It was awful."
Nathan leaned back against the wall and sighed. He hadn't even realized how much he'd been hoping she felt more than friendship for him until he'd heard her deny any feelings. Straightening, he grabbed his keys from his pocket and made his way to the front door. He had an early trip in the morning and he needed to get some sleep. Especially if he was going to be able to see Haley in the morning without giving away everything he was feeling. For the first time in almost 2 years he'd considered putting himself out there and the door had just been slammed in his face before he could even knock.
"I know you're strong and you have dreams Haley, but it's possible to have it all. Are you really sure that's all you want?" Brooke asked, coming to sit on the floor next to her.
Haley leaned her head on her friend's shoulder, "We don't always get what we want."
Nathan set 2 coffees and muffins down on the table before sitting down on the bench. It was a surprisingly bright, sunny morning, totally opposite of his mood, and he was glad he'd brought sunglasses. After drinking more than usual the previous evening he wasn't sure he could've handled the extreme brightness any other way.
Looking down at his watch, he saw it was 7 and started looking around for Haley. She was usually early, but she'd drank a decent amount the night before so he wouldn't be surprised if she was a bit sluggish as well. His stomach growled, but he wanted to wait and eat with her so he drank his coffee and looked out over the water. It was quiet there that time of day and he thought about all that had happened in the past few months, where he'd gone wrong and things he'd done right. It was hard to believe it hadn't been longer than it had with everything that had happened. He reached in and grabbed the little wrapped box that contained the necklace he'd gotten her. It wasn't much, but the minute Lucas had let it slip that her birthday was the next week, he'd been determined to get her something before he left. The simple gold chain with the H hanging from it had seemed like something she'd like.
He looked back down at his watch and was surprised to find it was already 7:20. Haley was never more than a minute or two late and he started to get worried that maybe she was sick or something. He didn't think she'd had that much to drink, but she was a tiny thing and it could've really gotten to her. Digging his phone out of his bag, he tried calling her, but she didn't answer and it went to voicemail. He hung up, wondering what was going on. Haley always had her phone.
He started worry and picked up his muffin, needing something to do. What if she'd ended up in the hospital or maybe she had ended up in a ditch somewhere. He could hear his mom's voice in his head and he knew that even though he'd been upset, he should have made sure she got home okay. He called again and after getting her answering machine, he stood and started to pace as he practically inhaled the rest of his muffin. He considered driving to the beach house and driving the route back to her house but was concerned he'd miss her if she showed up. Looking at his watch again and seeing it was almost 8, he dug around and found a paper with a blank back, writing her a message that he'd been there and was worried, adding a note to call him if she found it. He set her coffee on top of it so it wouldn't blow away and headed to his car. He needed to do something other than sit and wait.
He reached the beach house and after seeing that the only people there were the cleaning crew and Lucas who swore Haley had left shortly after he had the night before and that she was supposed to work at 9. He tried calling her for at least the fifth time and left his second message, urging her to call him. He was starting to freak out. He'd tried her home phone earlier and no one had answered, but he decided to try it again. This time, a grumpy female voice answered the phone, "Oh thank God," Nathan said, "is Haley there?"
"Who's asking?"
"It's Nathan, is she there? I haven't been able to get a hold of her and I was getting worried," he answered. "Can I talk to her?"
"Did you try her cell?
"Several times, she's not answering," his voice rose in frustration. "Please just tell me if she's there."
"She's here," Taylor said, throwing herself back on her bed, "but if you had any part in why she was so upset when she got home last night, maybe she's just avoiding you."
"Is she okay?"
"I haven't talked to her this morning, but she cried herself to sleep," Taylor threw at him. Haley hadn't said much, but she'd mumbled enough for Taylor to know who to blame. She'd never seen her sister so upset and she wasn't above taking it out on the person she deemed responsible.
Nathan didn't want to believe that her crying had anything to do with him, but maybe she felt even a kiss on the cheek had been pushing the barriers of their friendship too far, or maybe she had read how much more he had really wanted in his eyes. Either way, he couldn't imagine she'd have been that upset over what Brooke or Rachel had done. "Okay, I'm sorry. Damn it, can you tell her I'm sorry and that...never mind. Um, I have a birthday present for her and I'm going to drop it off. Just, please make sure she gets it, okay?"
"Whatever," Taylor answered, yawning as her eyes drifted closed again. "Just leave it on the porch."
Nathan drove up to the James house and got out of the car, looking up at the window he knew was hers. He contemplated demanding to see her, but if she was avoiding him, he didn't want to make things worse just to see her one more time. She'd made the decision to blow off their meeting, not wanting to see him, and he'd abide by her wishes. So, instead of beating down her door, he resigned himself to leaving her gift and mentally berated himself for not thinking of getting her a card. There were so many things he wanted to say and so few he felt he could. After a fruitless search for something to write on, he'd pulled out the only paper he had left in his car and wrote three words on the back of a receipt, tucking it into the bow the saleswoman had put on top of the box for him and then placing it in front of the door.
"Happy Birthday Hales."