Author's note

Hey! I'm still alive and this story is still being written, last month and this are exam season for me and work has picked up so I haven't had as much free time as I would like, should calm down again towards the end of June so hopefully updates will be back to normal then.

Chapter 21 – Secrets and Nightmares

Leliana woke from the first pleasant night's sleep she'd had since joining the Wardens. Whether it was the screaming or moaning from Lyla when she had nightmares, or whether she was awoken to keep watch she was always disturbed but not last night. Since the party was so large now they no longer had to wake up every night instead Lyla had set a regime where two people got every fourth night off and since they shared a tent it made sense for Lyla and Leliana to keep watch together.

The first thing she noticed when she awoke was the natural scent of Lyla, like wildflowers on a spring's day and it made her heart flutter. When she realised the little elf was still lying on her chest she couldn't help a smile leap across her face and she brought her hand up to lightly stroke the woman's hair, not wanting the moment to end but knowing it was time to wake up.

"Mm." Lyla moaned as her eyes opened. "I could get used to this." She smiled up at her human friend for a moment before a blush erupted on her face exploding out to the tips of her ears. "I. I. I mean I could get used to not having to wake up to keep watch!" she pulled herself away from the human and stood up. "Abelas lethallan I didn't mean anything by it."

"It's ok Lyla." Leliana smiled up to her and started to rise. "Thank you for holding me last night. I needed it." She felt her cheeks heat up as she spoke but it was nothing compared to the blush on the elf.

"Ma nahn lethallan. It's what friends are for." Lyla turned to collect her bundle of weapons, glad to hide her red face from the human. She bent down and first picked up her sword and sword-belt to strap across her waist. Next she grabbed her dal'thanu and tucked it into her belt as well, wearing it on her left hip for easy access. Her quiver was next, strapped across her back and finally her ironbark bow which also was strapped across her back.

"You are like a walking armoury Lyla!" Leli giggled from behind, she had equipped a bow and quiver and a pair of small daggers. "I don't know how you manage to carry all of that."

"I'm stronger than I look lethallan." She turned and stuck her tongue out at the human. "However as strong as I am I still need food! Do you think Zevran has woken first and started breakfast again?"

-FTDTD-

Zevran had of course risen first and cooked a simple meal from their salted supplies. After they had eaten Lyla had decided that they drilled before carrying on, saying that since they were no longer carrying all their equipment and had to protect the dwarven merchants she wanted everyone at the peak of their game. She had made them train against each other every morning since the dwarves joined them and they party was stronger for it.

Today she had finally decided that Zevran was to be trusted with a weapon to fight with, she said if he was determined enough to feed them every morning she would at least let the man fight alongside them. She let Zevran choose his opponent for a duel to begin the training. He chose her.

"A rematch is it flat-ear?" She smirked at him across the small arena they had set up. "Mythal, you are brave."

"I just wanted the chance to be close to your beauty my dear warden." He teased back and in the blink of an eye dived towards her, his blunted daggers raised to strike her neck. Lyla rolled out of the way and brought her own dulled swords across to swing into the other elf's legs, striking the backs of his knees and knocking him to the ground. Zevran masterfully rolled out of the way of Lyla's next attack on his downed body and jumped to his feet to counter the next attack. This continued for a while with the party looking on in amusement, no one had lasted this long against Lyla before and Alistair couldn't help but cheer Zevran on. Not to be outdone by Alistair's cheering Neria and Leliana started cheering Lyla on as well.

"It's about time someone can keep up with me." Lyla teased as she dodged another blow from Zevran returning it with a head-butt. "But I haven't gotten angry yet falon. When I lose my temper I can be quite savage."

"It appears our female friends want you to win my beautiful warden." He spat blood on the ground and thrust his daggers towards Lyla striking her in the stomach causing her to fall to her knees, winded. "I gather you won't surrender now?" He held his daggers to her throat. "My mother was Dalish, like you. I know what a proud people you come from, you would never bow to defeat would you?" Lyla's mouth dropped she had not expected another Dalish elf to find her. She fell backwards and kicked out at the other elf knocking him down before rolling to her feet and diving back at him, tackling him to the ground.

"Looks like I don't need to bow Zevran." Her feral smile gleamed as she brought her sword across the assassin's neck. "I win." She turned to face the rest of the party and smiled as Neria and Leliana clapped for her. "Does every elf claim to be Dalish? Or am I just extremely lucky?" She chuckled to herself.

-FTDTD-

A few more fights were had before it was midday and time for the group to move again, Bodahn had started a betting ring over who would win each fight and whilst the concept was completely foreign to Lyla she quickly grasped it and found herself having a lot of fun betting on her friends. After the group had started to move again she took her place at the front of the party and asked Morrigan to scout ahead as if she changed she could travel much further and raven eyes were much sharper than human or elven.

"I don't understand." Sten's low voice came from behind Lyla, he usually stayed at the back of the party on his own or with Revas, preferring the dogs company to anyone else's, so it was strange to have him at the front and even stranger for him to start a conversation. "You look like a woman."

"I am a woman." Came Lyla's puzzled reply. She looked back at the tall Qunari and he looked just as puzzled as she felt.

"You are a Grey Warden. So it follows you cannot be a woman." He spoke with conviction.

"That doesn't make any sense Sten." Lyla slowed to match the Qunari's pace, glad to slow her legs slightly.

"So you understand my confusion, then."

"Well I'm confused now, anyway." Strangely this wasn't setting off Lyla's temper, she had expected to feel a tinge of rage seeping in through her barriers but all she was feeling was confusion and a hint of amusement.

"Woman are priests, artisans, shopkeepers or farmers." His voice was so patronising it reminded Lyla of Hahren Paivel telling her the history of her people for the umpteenth time. "They don't fight."

"In the clan they do. The wome-" She started before he interrupted again.

"The labourers, soldiers, and ashkaari are all men. There is nothing left." He was stern now.

"In the clan gender doesn't matter. Everyone is needed for something we work to our strengths not to our sex. It doesn't make sense sten." She shook her head and began to realise that it was pointless to argue with the man, he was not going to change her opinion no matter what she said.

"Exactly."

"We're going around in circles here." She sighed.

"I don't know what to make of you. Perhaps this is a quality of the Grey Wardens I had not heard about." His voice softened slightly as she spoke, no longer lecturing her he was now trying to explain it all to her, or maybe to himself. "A person is born; Qunari, or human, or elven, or dwarf. He doesn't choose that." Lyla tried to counter his point but she was soon cut off again. "The size of his hands, whether he is clever or foolish, the land he comes from, the colour of his hair: these are all beyond his control. We do not choose, we simply are."

"But a person can choose what to do." Was all she could think to reply.

"Can they? We'll see." He then slowed his pace once more until he was at the back of the group leaving a very confused Lyla with her thoughts.

She did not have long to rearrange her mind however as soon Morrigan returned to her and spoke of a human stranded ahead on the road, she had seen him send an elf after a donkey and she noticed the man was carrying a lot of wares.

They reached him shortly and he backed off when they approached.

"Err… You'll have to forgive me if I seem a bit nervous. Not many people traveling these parts of Ferelden." He shook his head and continued. "Of course that's my problem isn't it? Mule got spooked by a wisp and ran off into the woods. Now what do I do?"

Lyla look incredulously at the man and Alistair saw her expression, intervening before the little elf had a chance to explode he said. "Are you seriously asking us to look for a mule?"

"Oh! No, no, I sent the elf for that." He paused but when he saw Lyla's angry expression he elaborately. "I mean my helper! Tarren. Nice fellow, that… Tarren. Allow me to introduce myself. Felix de Grosbois, merchant and entrepreneur, at your service."

"A merchant? Out here?" Leliana asked from behind Lyla.

"I don't normally take this route but with the war I was hoping for a bit of luck and good weather in the mountains. Sadly I've had neither, this trip has been one disaster after another. I don't suppose you'd help a fellow out?"

"Help a fellow out… how?" Lyla asked suspiciously.

"Of all the things that went wrong on this trip, the worst is this artefact I bought in Jader." He began. "It's a 'Control rod' I'm told. For a golem. No point in me keeping it, however, as I'll never get to use it… maybe you could?"

"How much do you want for it?" Alistair asked from Lyla's right shoulder. Since Lyla had little experience with money she had left all the expenses to her fellow Warden for which he claimed to be eternally grateful.

"Nothing. I just don't want something that a bandit may take for a gemstone. To be honest I don't even know if it will be useful for you. I paid too much just to throw it away."

"What's the catch?" came Alistair's suspicious reply.

"The catch? Well yes I suppose there is a catch. The catch is the golem didn't come with the rod. It's supposed to be down in a village down south. Even if I get there, which I can't, I understand the village has been overrun by darkspawn. That's not an issue for adventurous types like you, surely. Or at least I'm hoping it's not."

"Yes. I think I can use it." Lyla spoke out before her party could butt in again.

"Just as well. As I mentioned before, you'll find the golem in a village called 'Honnleath'. I'll mark it on your map. Just hold up the rod before it and exclaim 'dulef gar.' That will wake the golem, so I'm told. I hope it works."

"A personal golem? This sounds good." Lyla had to stop herself jumping up and down with excitement she had always imagined meeting a golem, it had been a favourite pastime of her and Merrill's to imagine what strange creatures they would meet in their lives, not realizing that perhaps that actually would.

-FTDTD-

Lyla didn't stop the group until the sun was well on its way to setting, she had wanted to get as much traveling done as possible since Alistair had reminded her of the Arl's illness. She didn't know whether the mages she had would be able to help but her fellow Warden cared a lot for the man and she owed it to him to at least try.

When they eventually set up camp all but Morrigan, Sten and Revas gathered round the fire. Morrigan had as usual set her own fire and tent a distance away from the rest and Sten was off patrolling with the dog, he seemed to get on better with the animal more than anyone else in the group.

"I just can't get used to all this traveling, I am absolutely shattered." Neria yawned as she spoke, she was sitting opposite Lyla across the fire and to her left was Wynne who scarcely left the young mages side and Zevran was to her right. "You must be used to it though Lyla, what was it like growing up constantly on the move?"

"Difficult I suppose." Lyla paused to eat before continuing. "But it has been all I know, it seems strange to me to stay in one place. Creators, even staying in that inn was strange for me, I had never stayed indoors before then."

"How was it difficult?" Alistair asked.

"We are a hunted people Felas. If we stay in one place too long your Templars find us and attack, if we stay too long the shemlen get scared and attack or sometimes if we stay in one place too long our hunters grow frustrated and our prejudices take over so they attack your people." She sighed and looked down at her bowl of stew. "It is hard to grow up scared for your life. Growing up my days were not filled with the laughter and fun I oft saw in shemlen children, I was taught to fight. I am a hunter, Mythal I was probably the best hunter of my clan. I was taught the Vir Tanadhal from a very young age and I embraced it." Seeing her companion's confused expressions she felt the need to explain. "The Vir Tanadhal is the teaching from our god Andruil. She teaches of three ways. The way of the Arrow, which is to fly straight and do not waver from your goals, the way of the bow, to bend but not break and finally the way of the forest, together we are stronger than the one. Growing up I embraced the way of the arrow more than the others. For every task I was given I flew straight in and did exactly as I was told, even if I didn't agree with what I was told to do, it was not my place to question my keeper. Now though I find myself looking at the bow, I have needed to bend a lot to deal with leaving my clan and all of you idiots." She laughed to ease the tension she felt from the group and was grateful when the group joined in.

The group sat and chatted for what seemed like hours, the tension of the last few days was lifted with the camaraderie and for the first time in a long time Lyla felt like she belonged.

-FTDTD-

Sitting in her tent Lyla was suddenly overwhelmed by an immense feeling of dread, she looked around to wake Leliana but was shocked to find her roll empty. Rising to her feet Lyla felt her whole body shake as the feeling nearly shook her to her very foundations, the first step was hard, the second impossible, she fell to the floor and clutched her knees close to her chest.

"LELI!" she screamed. She needed the orlesian right now and was too scared to be ashamed. "LELI! WHERE ARE YOU!" but she received no answer.

The tent flaps flew open as a Hurlock reached in and grabbed her, easily taking her in one hand and pulling her out into the middle of the camp, Lyla was greeted with a horde of Darkspawn and worse. The bodies of her new clan desecrated and strewn across the now burning camp. She saw Alistair's normally shining armour covered in blood and slowing cooking on the camp fire and then she saw her closest friend's body, or at least what remained of it.

"No. No. No. NO." She chanted as the Hurlock dragged her out of the camp, passed the severed head of the Orlesian bard Lyla had grown so fond of.

Just when she thought she could feel no worse she saw one last thing to freeze her blood and stop her heart. The Archdemon flew down and approached her.

"I know what you are doing tiny elf." It spoke to her. "I will find you meat and I will feast upon you. You and your world will be mine."

"Why?" Was all Lyla could manage to say, she was busy fighting the tears that demanded to be released.

"I AM YOUR GOD!" The Black dragon roared. "I was once the most beautiful thing in creation. I will be again! I am Urthemiel. I am your death."

"Lyla!" Leliana shook the little elf woman. "Lyla wake up! Please wake up." The elf had been shaking and screaming in her sleep, a usual occurrence for her but for reasons unknown to Leliana tonight had been worse, much worse.

Her eyes shot open and darted around the small tent, her breathing was erratic and if Leliana had felt her heart she would have seen it was beating much faster than was healthy. "Leli?" Her voice was so small and weak that it was all Leliana could do not to sob for the fear in her friend.

"I'm here Lyla, I'm right here. It was just a dream honey." she crawled next to the little elf and held her as the elf started to cry.

"No. No it wasn't Leliana." She eventually spoke after her tears dried out. "It was the Archdemon. It spoke to me lethallan, it knows who I am." She started to shake again before carefully removing Leliana's arms and standing up. "I won't be able to sleep again tonight lethallan, it's nearly time for our watch anyway shall we go relieve Alistair and Neria?"

Leliana couldn't move, she felt her body freeze, how could the archdemon know who Lyla was? She knew there was a blight but until now it had not seemed real, or at least she had not really believed it was as bad as she had been told. This brought all her fears crashing down though and she struggled to find the words to explain to her friend or the will to move and join Lyla.

"Lethallan?" The elf softly spoke, feeling her friends fear. "It'll be ok Leliana, I promise." Lyla reached and took Leliana's chin in her forefinger and thumb, gently moving her head to look at the elf. "I can stop this. We can stop this Leli. We already have the mages and that was the hard bit. Alistair will get the Arl to help us and the Elvhen will join us as soon as I ask. The dwarves fight the darkspawn anyway, they will be glad to help us. We can do this." Releasing the bard's chin Lyla took her hand and helped her gently to her feet guiding her to the opening of the tent to join her fellow Warden and elf.

"Archdemon?" Alistair called out towards her as they approached. He and Neria had both heard Lyla's screams tonight and Alistair knew exactly what caused them.

"Yes. It was bad Felas." She paused as she sat on a stump next to Alistair, he didn't miss her shooting a worried glance over at Leliana but he chose not to comment. "It knows who I am Alistair. It knows what we are trying to do." His heart froze. He had heard of wardens being able to understand the Archdemon in the blight dreams but usually it was veteran soldiers who had years of experience with the dreams, not someone who had literally just started them.

"The. The Archdemon?" Neria whimpered, fear had taken her as well, how could it not? The monster that orchestrated this whole mess knew who they were and was hunting them, it would scare even the most seasoned warrior and Neria was nowhere near that brave.

"Yes Lethallan. Don't worry though I think it's a good thing." She smiled that feral grin across the small fire to her fellow elf and continued. "It wouldn't bother trying to scare me unless it was scared itself. Think about it, if it was me I wouldn't have tried to scare us unless I was worried about our power. It knows we will beat it. It's scared of us lethallan, we are winning."

"Are you sure?" Neria's voice faltered and tears started to fall down her face, Leliana moved round to put an arm around the young elf and told the Wardens she would take her to her tent to sleep and would be back in a moment.

"You should probably get some sleep too Felas."

"After hearing your screams Lyla I don't think either of us will sleep tonight will we?" They had found that when one had a blight nightmare the other would as well. Since the Archdemon had spoken to Lyla tonight it seemed likely to Alistair that he would have a similar visit once he drifted off and he did not want that at all.

"We are near Redcliffe now aren't we?" Sensing the tension Lyla knew she had to change the subject to help them both relax.

"Yes. It's strange I am excited to see the Arl again but I'm also dreading it. He's really sick and I'm scared for him." She smiled at him and put her hand on his arm, she wasn't used to showing vulnerability to people, in fact she had really only opening up to Leliana and her sister but she knew how they helped her so she mimicked the bard's actions.

"It'll be ok lethallan. We have Wynne, Neria and Morrigan with us anyone of them on their own is a competent healer, together they will cure this man I know it."

"There's something else Lyla." He looked up at her and Lyla recognised the fear he used to have for her in them. "I told you I was a bastard. I probably should have said something sooner but well. Arl Eamon raised me because King Maric was my father. King Cailen was my half-brother I suppose."

"What?!" She half shouted as she stood. "You told me, no you promised me you had no more big secrets! I started to trust you shemlen. How could you hide this from me?!"

"What would I have said?!" He stood as well, his voice a loud whisper to avoid waking his sleeping companions. "Oh by the way King Maric slept with a serving girl and she had me? And you expected me to trust you with this secret when you never once told me yours! You never told me why you hate Templars did you Lyla? No you just expected everyone to be too scared of you to bother you." He regretted saying it as soon as he spoke, he knew why she wouldn't tell him of course he did, but his frustration at the elf trusting the bard more than him had taken over.

"Oh I'm so sorry." Her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Do you want me to remove my armour and show you the scars?!" she drew her hand in a line across her stomach. "Did you want me to tell you I got this scar when your seth'lin Templar brothers raping and tortured me?!" She was shouting now but she didn't care, she brought her right hand out and took off her glove, showing the long scar going down her palm disappearing under her armour up her forearm. "Or this one perhaps when the evil bastard sliced me to see if elf's bled like humans?" She spat the floor and marched towards him. "You know exactly what happened to me shemlen. I know you do. It happened two years ago and you have not been a Warden that long, does it satisfy you to know what the alas'lin did to me? Or do I need to show you more?" She was in his face now her eyes boring a hole into Alistair's face and he was terrified.

"I shouldn't has said that Lyla, I am sorry. Truly I am." He backed away a step and was grateful when he saw Leliana approaching from behind the elf. "The people who did that to you were evil monsters Lyla. I am sorry for not trusting you but everyone who knew either hated me or coddled me, that's why Duncan and Cailen kept us out of the fight at Ostagar to protect me. I just wanted to keep it to myself for as long as possible. I'm sorry."

"Fine. I understand. I don't like it but I understand why." She backed away and sat down. "Just don't ever compare me hiding my experiences to you keeping that a secret Felas, it's completely different."

"I know."

They sat in silence as Leliana approached. She had heard the wardens shouting and as soon as Neria fell asleep she came to see what the commotion was about, Alistair quickly brought her up to speed and Leliana was as shocked as Lyla to hear who he really was but he didn't miss the disapproving stare he got when he explained what they were arguing about, he knew he was out of line bringing her past up.

"You ok?" Leliana had moved closer to the elf and was whispering in her ear. "Talk to me Lyla."

"I thought I could trust him Leli. It's gonna be a while till I trust him again." She whispered back.

"He didn't mean to upset you."

"But he did." She sat up as she spoke and her facial expression changed as though she had just thought of something. "Wait. Alistair, these dreams aren't the only downside of being a Warden are they?" He looked away as she spoke. "I haven't bled since the joining ceremony. That's related isn't it?" He nodded. "Mythal."

"That's not all Lyla." When she looked up at him he saw tears in her eyes and almost stopped himself from telling her the truth but he knew if he didn't know he never would. "Being a Warden it, well it's a curse as much as a blessing, the worst part is after about thirty years you will start to feel a calling." He paused trying to find the words. "You will hear the Archdemon calling you again, the nightmares will be back and worse and you will find yourself drawn to the dark roads. Being a Warden didn't cure the taint Lyla, it only slowed it down enough to survive for the next three decades."

"What!" Her voice was ice cold and she stepped away from Leliana who was struggling to hold back tears. "You mean it slows it down enough for me to be useful!" She all but screamed. "Typical shemlen. Let's use Lyla again. Same as everyone else!" She roared at him. "Duncan lied to me, you lied to me. This whole group needs something from me!" She paced up and down cursing loudly in Elvish before stopping and looking him dead in the eye. "You're a coward. You all are. You're all just using me for your own benefit!"

"No!" Leliana sobbed. "No I'm not Lyla!"

"Everyone else is!" She screamed, Alistair noticed the party slowly emerging from their tents, disturbed by Lyla's shouting. "This shem is too scared to do anything by himself so he needs me to do it for him! Sten needs me to bring him forgiveness for murdering children! Duncan used me to protect Alistair! The keeper used me to do whatever she wanted! No-one. No-one asked what I wanted, no-one cared! You're all the same!" With that she ran into the night, tears running down her face. She didn't know where she was going but she needed to get away for a while, needed space to think, space to heal.

"Lyla!" Leliana shouted after her. "Stay here Alistair, keep the camp together. I'll get her and make sure she's ok. What were you thinking telling her that now? Could you not see how broken she is? How broken she has been since we started!" She scoffed then ran off after her friend.

-FTDTD-

Emerald eyes pierced the black night as they searched for answers. Lyla had climbed up a tree a short distance from camp and was staring blankly as she tried to get a hold of her feelings. She heard Leliana shouting her but right now she needed to be alone.

"Lyla please talk to me!" Leliana shouted to the small woodland. "I know you're there somewhere and I'm not leaving till you talk to me." She moved to the nearest tree and sat down at the base waiting.

It had been nearly an hour since she spoke and Leliana's body was so cold she thought she would never be warm again but still she sat. She had grown to care for, maybe even love, the little angry elf and she would not leave her to deal with her problems alone. She heard a noise behind her and saw emerald eyes shining towards her, the moonlight catching the tears that had fallen on the elf's vallaslin and Leliana's heart melted. She rose and ran to Lyla embracing her tightly and whispering in her ear that it would all be ok.

"You're the only person I can trust now Leli." Her voice was so frail Leliana had to fight away another sob as she spoke. "You're the only person who isn't using me. You're the only person who actually cares about what I want."

"That's not true Lyla. The others care about you, they do and they aren't using you Lyla." She lessens her grip on the elf enough to lean back and look in her eyes. "They are all just scared and you are our best hope. We need you Lyla and I'm sorry it seems like we don't care or understand the burdens you keep."

"Ma serannas emma lath." Lyla's eyes shot open wide as she realised what she said, her cheeks blushed reaching her ears and she quickly spoke. "Emma lethallan! Ma serannas emma Lethallan." She stared up at the bard and felt that warmth in her stomach she had come to call love, all doubts about Leliana being female or human had been thrown from her mind as she no longer cared what her clan would think, Leliana was the only person outside of her family to actually care about her and that made her more important than anyone else in all of Thedas. She felt herself bringing her head up to the woman as she stared at her lips, she was entranced by the beauty of the bard and as they got closer she closed her eyes, happy to finally release this burden of her heart.

"Oh what have I walked into here?" An Antivan accent stopped the pair dead, Lyla looked up and saw Leliana's cheeks as flushed as she felt her own. I was about to kiss her and she was about to kiss me back! Creators!

"Oh Zevran. You came to help find Lyla?" She released the elf reluctantly and stood apart from her. "No need I have found her. Come let us return to camp."

Author's note.

Well this chapter went in a completely different direction that I expected, still fun though! Hope you enjoyed reading it and see you again soon!

Translations

Ma nahn – My joy (or as used in this instance, my pleasure)

Abelas – sorry

Falon – friend.