"It's a fine line between pleasure and pain, you've done don't try to explain, you've done it once you could do it again."

I was nearly in the door of my place when I realized I had completely forgotten that I told my parole officer I was out getting milk and eggs... I tensed up when I saw his car in my driveway and I turned up empty handed, sweaty and with blood crusted fingers. Ahh.. Fucking hell Franky . I felt my tongue find its way behind my bottom teeth and I flicked it across them nervously.

I hadn't been home in weeks and I was scared that showed. There a lot of mail sticking out of my mailbox and most likely an inch of dust on everything... We really hadn't thought this through. I swallowed hard as my Parole officer David stepped out of his car and walked toward me. I held out my hand and fained a crooked smile.

"Ahh Francesca how have you been?" He drawled. I fought the urge to say something snarky to him but I bit my tongue hard enough to feel it throb in my mouth.

"Ahh yeh I'm good sir. I have uh been out with family a fair bit over the past few weeks sorry about the mess..." I stuttered out gathering up the mail and letting David inside. "Can I get you a tea er something else to drink?"

"No, no water will be fine thank you." He said as he looked to the mail in my hands. I thrust it down on my counter and ran him some cold water. My mind suddenly overcome with concern when I realized my mother had wrote me at Bridget's house and not here... How had she known? Maybe it didn't matter anymore, but it gave me chills momentarily until David brought me back to Earth. "You have family near by then?"

"Just me dad... My mum used to live around here too." I spoke without even thinking, but he was happy with my response and we moved on. I wiped my fingers repeatedly on my pants hoping to remove some of the blood without drawing his attention.

We spent the next hour going over how my job was progressing, whether I'd been attending group sessions and what my goals were moving forward. It was all very clinical but honestly a great distraction for me from the last 24 hours.

He left at nearly 8pm and I was exhausted. My chest ached from crying, my palms and knees stung with the cuts from tiny shards of glass and I was tormented with my mother's words replaying in my mind. I need to go and see Boomer... I flexed my hands in and out causing blood to pool in the creases of my palms. She'll know what to do...

I pulled off my pants and bra and stood over the bathroom sink staring at my reflection. I looked tired. My eyes wore dark colours better than my body ever did and my lips were so chapped from biting them it looked like I'd been out in the dead of winter for hours. Yet, David had found me convincing enough to leave somehow and I was content in that feeling.

I washed my eye make-up from my face scrubbing thoroughly as though I could wash away the images burned in my mind. I felt the warm water in my hands but all I could see was the ooze of her thick warm blood pooling on my finger tips and staining my shirt. Panic set in again instantly causing me to retch and moan. I placed my hand against the mirror to keep myself upright as I dry heaved into the sink.

The house was so empty my discomfort echoed off the walls around me. My ears were ringing from the pressure of clamping my jaw shut to hold back the bile in my throat.

I had finally gained enough composure to brush my teeth and pee before heading to my room to try and sleep. I pulled back the covers on my bed truly not looking forward to sleeping alone when I realized I hadn't even bothered to look through my pile of mail and something urged me to go and get it.

Sitting at my little black dining table I rifled through the pile. "Junk, Junk, Junk, government bullshit." I uttered aloud. "Hmphh..." I stopped on a large legal envelope. Francesca Doyle was printed perfectly smooth across the front of it. I turned in over in my finger tips rubbing my hands over the agency name at the top. "Bethal Funerals Melbourne" I read choking out each word. I shook my head abruptly feeling the itch to snap my neck to the side and re-adjust my jaw.

"Fuck!" I screamed into the evening before pushing the envelope to the bottom of the pile. I acted quickly and impulsively digging my letter opener hard into my bare thigh.

I shook slightly with the pain and control I experienced as I carved my newest tattoo by hand just below my boxers on my right thigh.

D8238 it read crisply. I smiled feeling my lips twitch slightly at the sides.

I let the bloody ink roll off my legs and drip a trail to my bedroom before rolling into bed for the night and hoping to the gods that I wouldn't dream.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture Gidget through the fog in my mind and hoped she'd be waiting for me after work tomorrow before sleep took over and my eyes fluttered shut.