I just wrote over 60 thank you notes. My hands hurt. A lot.
A huge thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter! It was a great way to wake up after a verrrrry unfortunate evening and I wanted to make sure you guys know that you made my day :)
Enjoy the next installment!
Idea submitted by Sectimsempra
Dear Elrond,
I have recently discovered small tasty creatures with strangely fuzzy feet. I have not been able to find more. If you would be so kind as to FedEx a few my way, I would be very grateful.
Shelob
P.S. One of these creatures stabbed me with a glowing, blue toothpick. If you could send a bottle of Aspirin and a band-aid as well, I'd be grateful for that as well.
***
Dear Shelob,
I don't have any of those creatures on hand anymore (I sent the only ones we had on a death mission) but if you go to that lovely place called Mirkwood there will be some pretty blond elves for you to feast on.
Tell Thranduil who sent you, please.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Earendilion
Dear Elrond,
I am not so much asking for your advice as your friendly input. I, of course, need neither; I am merely curious to see for myself what all the hype is about.
So, what say you to the fact that I have been unjustly accused, labeled, stereotyped, and locked in Mandos for the past several millennia? I made the Silmarils – I won't pretend to be modest. Morgoth stole them. And yet, I get all the blame for the ensuing events. My only intention was to exercise my property rights and take back what had been stolen. Was it my fault it required a remarkably binding oath to convince others to help me, as was their duty? Was it my fault the Teleri got in the way? It was I, after all, who engineered their bloody ships, and so I basically owned them anyway. But I never get credit for making them work, do I? No. Nothing.
Now that you have been enlightened, what would you say were I to ask for your advice? Not that I need it? Not that I am asking for it? I am only curious.
Skeptically,
A Misunderstood Fëanor
***
Fëanor,
I have no sympathy for you because, quite simply, it is your entire fault. Kinslaying, the fall of Gondolin, those burning ships…I mean, seriously, your poor wife. I can only imagine what she had to put up with you. I bet it was like living with Gollum.
You know what, Fëanor, if you had just kept your stupid mouth shut instead of pretty much selling your soul to find those stupid gemstones, this wouldn't have been an issue. Instead I have to deal with your complaining (I don't understand how Mandos puts up with you).
Give Nerdanel my regards,
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Jedi Master Luthien
Dear Lord Elrond,
I've lost my sheep and don't know where to find them. Any ideas?
Little Bo Peep
***
Dear Little Bo Peep,
Leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I seem to be having trouble with my memory. I was recently on a very important mission to save my friends' son and was completely unable to help due to my uncontrollable—
Whoa. Wait. You have to see this. A purple sea monkey just…
Love, Dori
***
Dear Dori,
Well, I'm glad you found Nemo. As for your problem, I suggest—
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Henora
Dear Elrond,
I am scared out of my wits! I don't know where I am, strange people seem to follow me wherever I go, and this horrid witch, who has no taste in shoes whatsoever (red ruby slippers against her outfit? Ugh! And that hideous nose does not go with the rest of her face!) keeps harassing me! I only want to get home, but it seems that every time I come close to going back, I keep getting attacked! Can you please tell me how to get out of the Land of Oz?
Certainly not in Kansas anymore
Dorothy Gale
***
Dear Dorothy,
Well, you need to follow the yellow brick road for starters. Though it would help if you gathered some friends along the way to help you get out of trouble; I'm thinking…a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion? Sound good? Good. Then go see the wizard (the wonderful wizard of oz) and hopefully he'll boot your asses out of there.
Good luck! Remember: there really is no place like home.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I am the host of a popular children's show and am responsible for teaching three-year-olds Spanish. I also am forced to go on completely ridiculous adventures, trying to save nonsensical, fictional objects. But that's not really why I'm writing in.
You see, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Since I work on Nick Junior, no one has become aware yet. However, my compulsion to repeat everything numerous times and to sing with a booted monkey might start to be noticed son. Please help!
Dora the disgruntled Explorer
***
Dear Dora,
First, you need to go up the TAAAAALLLLLL mountain! And then…over the LOOOONNNNNG bridge! Then, through the MAAAAGGGIC tunnel! And then to the MYSTICAL castle!!
…Mountain! Bridge! Tunnel! CASTLE!!
…Mountain! Bridge! Tunnel! CASTLE!!!!!
SWIPER NO SWIPING!! SWIPER NO SWIPING!!
…
…MOUNTAIN!! BRIDGE!!! TUNNEL!!! CASTLE!!!!
…MOUNTAIN!!! BRIDGE!!! TUNNEL!!! CAST—OOMPHASPDFJAO;JFLDSFK (Galadriel thought it was time to intervene. Please stand by.)
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Bannoth
Dear Elrond,
As the only unmarried Lord of the West, I have become quite lonely for Ages! I have been seeking Nienna's attention since millenia before your birth (And it's so SWEET that she cries all the time! She can fill my waters anyday!) and have been so far unsuccessful. I have attempted tricks with my sea animals to amuse her (Be a good dolphin and jump through the hoop! That's right!) and when everything else failed, I displayed my scariest self (You guys are scared of Morgoth? Seriously? You've obviously never seen me...WAVES TOWERING ABOVE THE MOUNTAINS, BOOMING THUNDER, LIGHTNING FLASHES...you get the picture, don't you?) to intimidate her but only made her weep more.
Please help me fulfill this soon-to-be blooming romance and I will do anything (not to be taken literally!) for you.
Waiting in the darkest depths of romantic anxiety,
Lord Ulmo
P.S: I am truly sorry about your mother, but the woman was about to jump off a cliff! Seriously! What else was I supposed to do??
P.P.S: We have enlisted the help of Indiana Jones in locating the portal to Earth. The Host of Valinor is on the way!
***
Haldír, who for some reason has a problem with Lord Ulmo, graciously offered to write this response.
Dear Lord Ulmo,
I'm going to refer you to someone I think can help. They go by the name "Mirror Image" and are quite good at wooing. Best of luck to you!
Haldír
Idea submitted by HT
Dearest Daddy
I can't believe that you sent me to my room for stealing Glory's horse. It would never have happened if you and let me have a pony of my own. That little blonde slut Éowyn has a whole kingdom full of the things and she's trying to steal my Ary-Wary (I'm going to marry him so there!). Anyway if you don't get me a pony and let me marry my adopted brother I'll scream and scream till I'm sick.
Your precious Princess
Arwen
***
Dear Arwen,
You are over 2,000 years old. Please act your age and not your shoe size. I have given you ponies, but you keep trying to ride them when clearly you are too tall, and therefore I have to confiscate them before permanent damage is done.
Scream all you want, dearest; you're still in Mirkwood and not even your generous lung capacity can reach all the way to Imladris.
Lord Elr—Ada
P.S: I've sent this letter along to Celebrían who is, rightly so, not pleased with your behavior. Beware.
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Lord Elrond,
Your intervention with labradorite and your twin sons was a success! The twins sedated Elizabeth in her/his bare rear with a dart thingy before she/he could ravish me on the bed since by then the Viagra had me unable to resist her/him further.
Your sons managed to remove Elizabeth (there were some very odd snipping noises coming from the other room…) And meanwhile labradorite had been busy tying me down to the bed the whole time saying what she was about to do was for my own good. I vaguely remember starting to ask her why until I noticed she now had not a stitch of clothing on and the same look of lust on her face that Elizabeth had given me earlier.
After that all I can recall is a great amount of pleasure and labradorite shouting something akin to "Ride 'em cowgirl!" Then I passed out. When I woke up labradorite was gone, and I was free—well sort of; I now have on this cool black leather collar with a tag proclaiming me as her property.
Anyway, I want to thank her, you and your twins for the help! My life is so much the better because of it!
Will Turner
***
Dear Will,
That really was TMI into labradorite's sex life. But then again living with her I've seen some very strange things, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway, you're welcome and I'm glad you're "free" (though I feel I should warn you that wearing leather collars is so 1980's).
labradorite says to feel free to come over for dinner "and them some" anytime. I disagree with this offer, but there you go.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I recently decided to vacation in Middle Earth (I've heard it was a lovely place if you ignore the stench) and came upon a lovely little country-side inhabited by the most adorable little creatures. They were very small and had (admittedly disgusting) hairy feet and ran around drinking and singing and talking about their family trees all the time. What a fun little group!
However, upon my stay, all of the children (I assume they were because they're all so small it was hard to tell) followed me around calling me "Gandalf" and asking for fireworks. I did my best to please them with some clever little spells I learned from Fred and George Weasley, but they seemed quite disappointed with them. I haven't the foggiest idea why the cuties were upset, and I'd like an explanation.
Always,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
***
Dear Dumbledore,
Err…I thought you died. How are you writing to me?
No matter. I hope your vacation is going well and that you enjoyed the Shire. I haven't any good response for you except that you greatly resemble the wizard Gandalf the Grey and I assume the little hobbits figured that anyone in robes with a beard was him.
You should stop by Imladris, as there is a young man with messy black hair here who I'm sure would like to see you, and even Gandalf stops by once and a while. His fireworks really are something to see, just wait!
Hope to see you soon,
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by SecretlyInInk
Dear Master Elrond,
Master says Dobby should not write to you, but Dobby must because Dobby heard you are an elf too. Master does not let Dobby wear any clothes and never gives Dobby the required 15-minute lunch break.
Does your master let you wear clothes, Lord Elrond? If he does, please... adopt Dobby. Mister Harry Potter gave Dobby the loveliest socks and it is a shame that Dobby cannot wear them.
Please help Dobby,
Dobby the House Elf
***
Dear Dobby,
For the record, it is improper grammar to speak constantly in the third person, and by doing so you greatly remind me of one gentleman Gollum, and that is not a good thing.
Anyways, you can feel free to come live here (I have no "master" to either allow me or prevent me from wearing clothes, but I understand what you're saying) and you may stay as long as you like. I will not adopt you because, frankly, I already have too many children to deal with and do not need another.
Hope to see you soon! It's a Chamber of Secrets reunion over here!
Lord Elrond
P.S: I feel obligated to tell you that your idea of an elf and my idea of an elf are probably very different.
Idea submitted by StarOMorning
Dear Elrond,
I'm lusting after this girl called Éowyn, but she has this bad habit of calling me a monster. I know that the Witch-King is after her, too, and that he got some great dating advice from some co-workers of yours so I was hoping you could help me as well.
Oh, and could you give me a recipe for some nice hair lotion so I could dazzle her next time I see her? Also, my name sucks, any suggestions for changing it?
Gríma Wormtongue
***
Lord Elrond felt adverse to helping out Gríma, especially with dating advice, so Haldír once more stepped in.
Dear Gríma (what else can we call you? Snuggles? Fluffy? You know, the most sincere form of flattery is imitation. Maybe you should change your name to Éowyn)
As for dating her, just start by observing the cardinal rule of personal space. If you stop trying to stroke her hair in a very pedophilic way, I would imagine she'll warm up to you a lot quicker. Then, after you've gotten her to stop glaring at you like the horse poo on the bottom of her shoe, casually bump into her somewhere and use the best line ever invented by horny men:
"So, do you come here often?"
That should get her into your pants immediately. Good luck!
Haldír
P.S: I gave the Witch-King some awesome advice, too, so I'd watch out if I were you.
P.P.S: Wash your hair before you jump into the sac. No one likes grease on the pillow case.
A/N: The massage-therapists were a huge hit! But, unfortunately, they need to be returned. Send them with the proper postage and in return reviewers get…hmm…professional Elf/Hobbit/Ranger/Rohirrim/Gondorion serenaders! Yay! You choose the song; they end up on your terrace with flowers wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.
And then you can do what you want with them. Enjoy.