Chapter 21:

The moment Hannibal was out the door, Face closed his eyes exhausted from the act he just put on. Maggie came to his side and put a hand to his forehead. He felt warm, but nothing to be worried about.

"You can't con me Face…now how are you really feeling, Lieutenant?"

"M'okay," he mumbled.

"Face!" she exclaimed. "The truth."

"Like a have the worst hangover ever," he moaned and grabbed his stomach. "Times ten."

"Those antibiotics will do that to you every time," she sympathized. "How about your leg?"

"Still hurts a lot, but it's better than yesterday."

"Good, that's real good." Maggie wiped some sweat off of his brow. "You did the right thing; Hannibal needs some rest."

"I know. I just hope he doesn't take it wrong and think that I don't want him here." Face said, his eyes remaining shut as the nausea kept increasing.

"I'll talk to him. Now don't you worry about anybody but yourself." Maggie left the room as Mark made an entrance followed shortly by B.A.

B.A. didn't like how sick his friend looked. "How you doin', man?"

Face cracked his eyes open, but immediately clamped them shut as he was seeing B.A. in triplicate. "Better, B.A. Just feel a little queasy."

"If you feel like you gonna be sick, just tell me and I'll help you. I don't want you to move that leg."

"And speaking of that leg," Mark said. "Maggie told me that you said it was feeling better?"

Face nodded, the regretted the action as the bile rose to his throat. It settled back down and he said, "Yeah...better."

Mark carefully removed the dressing and smiled his approval. "The swelling has gone down significantly. I'd like to do another pressure reading and see what we're dealing with now."

B.A. talked to Face as Mark got himself set up. He talked about all the crazy things Murdock had done that day and how he was glad to now be with somebody who didn't expect him to walk his imaginary dog.

"Okay Face, I'm going to insert the needle now. Just breathe through it."

B.A. held both of Face's hands as the sharp instrument pierced the raw skin. "Just squeeze tight man," he encouraged, brown eyes locking with blue.

"Good...real good," Mark said. "First thing tomorrow morning I think we should go ahead and irrigate and stitch the wound closed."

"Irritate the wound...what you wanna do that for?" B.A. groused. "Thought you wanted it to get better."

Mark chuckled. "Irrigate...not irritate. It means to wash away debris and bacteria."

"Why don't you doctor people ever speak English?"

"Sorry. Sometimes we get carried away."

"Can you two discuss this later?" Face said breathlessly. "Right now I'm gonna..." He clamped a hand over his mouth as B.A. grabbed the bucket just in the nick of time.

Morning arrived without further incident and the room once again became a flurry of activity to prepare for what was hopefully to be the final surgical procedure.

While Maggie prepared Face, Mark explained the procedure. "First I'll wash the wound with a disinfectant, just as I did when I cut it open. Then I'll stitch the fascia close. I have to pull it tight together and set a lot of stitches to make sure it knits together without problems it's a strong and hard tissue and doesn't knit together as for example muscle. That will be the most painful part."

Face wanted to stop Mark from explaining; he didn't even want to know. But the others seemed very interested and he kept his mouth shut. He vividly remembered the pain from washing the wound last time. The more painful part was to stitch him close again, and with lots of stitches and pulling at the tissue. Great, he couldn't wait. How could he endure more pain, he had already reached his limit and was sure anything more would drive him nuts. Breathing became very difficult, there seemed to be no air left in the room.

Mark went on about how he was going to close the skin over the fascia but Face didn't hear him anymore. His blood was loud in his ears and he couldn't breathe.

"Face? Face, hon, can you hear me? Mark, he's having a panic attack. John, try to calm him."

He could hear voices around him but could not make out what they said. One voice was persistent and familiar though "Hann…bal"

"Calm down kid, you need to slow your breathing. Just calm down, you are alright."

"Can't …breathe."

"Just calm down , Face. You can breathe…there's nothing wrong. It's just a panic attack, you need to calm down."

Eventually he got some grip on his breathing but the fear was still there. "No more….please no more….pain ….can't …..take….more." He turned pleading eyes on Hannibal.

"Is okay kid, just breathe, you will be…you'll feel better soon. But the wound has to be closed; it can't stay open like this. We'll all be with you any step of the way. You're strong, you can do this." He had wanted to say 'you will be fine' but caught himself in the last moment, remembering how Face had complained earlier on.

"No, BA please…."

BA couldn't look him in the eye. It was so wrong for him to have to go through that but even if the doc would allow it he could never bring himself to knock Face out.

"Let's just hurry up and get it over with. We are all set here. The anticipation is driving him insane. Once it's over he can start to heal. With all the exhaustion it shouldn't take long for him to pass out from the pain." And I hope I'll never have to do anything like this again without anesthetics for the rest of my life, Mark mentally added.

Murdock got the towel ready and placed it in Face's mouth. The moment the solution hit his wound he bit down hard but his muffled groans could be heard. Tears were once again leaking from his eyes and Hannibal and BA had a hard time to keep his legs still. Then it was all over and he thought that must have been the worst part. Surely the needle could never hurt more than the solution. But when Mark did the first stitch and pulled at the fascia to get it together Face spit out the towel and could do nothing but scream in pain. He felt as if his whole leg was on fire and he tried to kick and buck and it needed four people to steady his legs.

Mark tried to work as fast as possible so the agony would end but finally, after five stitches Face passed out. Everybody let out a sigh.

"I hadn't thought he would last that long." Mark shook his head and continued his work.

"Worked well for him in the past but this time I would have wished he couldn't take this much pain without going out."

"You ain't the only one, colonel, this just ain't right."

When Mark was about to finish Murdock undid the restraints and gaped, "Maggie, he got rug burns on his arms and shoulders from fighting against the restraints." He had tears in his eyes.

"Here, let me clean it."They were all quiet when Maggie worked and settled in to wait for Face to come around.

Luckily between the pain and the exhaustion he slept for close to three hours and most of the pain from the procedure had died down. Face woke with a groan.

"Hey kid, how are you feeling?" Hannibal had said that sentence far too often over the last days.

Face wanted to say something but instead grimaced, his throat was raw from screaming and his mouth was dry. Maggie saw where his discomfort came from and handed Hannibal some ice chips.

"This better?"

A little nod. Face was feeling so weak and useless.

Mark came to the head of the bed. "How is the leg?"

"Bearable"

"And the rest of you?"

"Head hurts, dizzy, nauseous."

"Sounds like you are having the time of your life. Guess you don't want to try out Murdock's cuisine just now. We'll just keep feeding you through a needle then."

"I can always put it in the blender and then you get Murdock's special intravenous; that will turn you into Superman."

"More like 'Supernut', you crazy fool."

Face smiled a little. It was so good not to see nothing but concerned faces but hear some of their usual banter. He soon drifted off again.

It was obvious to Murdock that Face was in the beginning stages of a nightmare. The warning signs were always the same. His head would start moving from side to side, his breathing would accelerate, and he would break out into a sweat. Eventually he would begin to mumble until the ramblings would mutate into full blown screams. Lastly, he would lose complete control over his body and mind and would thrash about wildly.

Murdock knew he had to stop things before it got to that point to protect Face's leg. "Face, wake up. You're just having a dream," he said shaking his arm lightly. When it didn't work, he tried again in a louder voice. "Face…wake up…c'mon buddy…just a dream."

Still, no luck. Normally when one of Face's nightmares were caught early enough they could bring him out of it. But between the medication and his exhaustion, he was too far gone. Murdock was torn; should he stay with Face or go for help? Face started to kick his legs wildly and Murdock's decision was made for him…stay.

He grabbed hold of Face's lower half and yelled at the top of his lungs, "I need a little help in here!"

Luckily, Murdock didn't have to wait long before the others came sprinting in. Each man took hold of a limb while Maggie splashed water on his face and repeatedly called his name. After a couple of tense minutes, his body relaxed and his breathing evened out. They kept their positions for a bit longer until his eyes opened and he looked around the room in confusion.

"Wha…what happened?" Face asked. "What did I do?"

"Nothing Face, you were having a nightmare," Hannibal said gently. "We just didn't want you to hurt yourself."

"Too late…he bleedin' again," B.A. informed them after noticing a blood stain on the sheets.

"You with us, kid? Hannibal questioned. "Is it okay if we let you go."

"Yeah," Face responded in a strained voice. The nightmares always took a lot out of him.

Mark surveyed the damage. "Doesn't look too bad. I don't think you did any further structural damage, but you ripped some of the stitches."

"Wonderful," Face moaned, thinking back to the day's earlier events.

"Looks like I get to practice my sewing yet again," Mark said while getting his supplies. He was making an attempt at humor and trying to keep things light, but Face heard it differently. All he thought about was how he was causing them more problems.

"I'm sorry," Face said looking down at his lap. He vowed to himself that no matter how much it hurt, he would stay quiet and deal with it. He also braced himself by holding onto the sides of the table instead of somebody's hands. 'Be a man, Peck,' the voice inside his head said.

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as the needle pierced his skin. As much as he tried, he couldn't hold back the whimper that escaped from his lips. "I'm sorry." His knuckles went white as the repeated stabs of the needle were followed by the tugging and pulling of his tender skin.

The team wanted to reach out to Face and to hold him, but they saw the determined look in his eyes and knew that this was something he wanted to go through on his own. Perhaps it was a good sign; a sign that he was getting stronger.

Face was breathing harder and harder as the pain only seemed to intensify. 'Just hold on…just breathe,' he ordered himself.

When his eyes were screwed tight again and tears were leaking out BA had enough. He touched Face's hands with his own and Face let go of the table immediately grasping BA's hands very tight. Hannibal was helping to keep Face's leg still but Murdock also went to the top of the bed to rub Face's arm and let him know he was not alone. It was only three stitches in the outer row and Mark was done fast.

Surprisingly for all, when the pain had died down and Face seemed coherent enough it was BA who spoke first.

"What was that all about?"

When Face looked at him with confusion he went on, "Going through the pain alone, being sorry for letting out a whimper, that's just plain stupid. We told you we was going every step of the way with you and you wanna shut us out? Faceman, you are one of the most stubborn people in the world. I, BA Baracus, if I was in your weakened state and with the way this leg looks, I would have screamed and wailed like a baby and you are sorry for letting out a whimper?"

When Face looked down and opened his mouth to say something Hannibal beat him to it. "Don't you dare say you're sorry. We hear that too often from you. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Look at how you grasped BA's hands and how the contact helped you. We are here for you, we want to help you. Helping you is not a burden for us…you are not a burden for us." And in a very soft voice he added "It's about time you get that through your thick skull, kid."

"But….but I feel just so….useless at the moment, causing everybody more work."

"I don't want to hear this no more, Faceman. You ain't useless, never was and never will be. I'm strong and I'm standing around here with my strength doing nothing while I coulda lent you some to go through your pain. You want me to feel bad knowing that I could have done something for you but didn't?"

Face shook his head, no.

"Thought as much."

"I don't think I have anything to add to the big guy's speech of wisdom."

"Hmph, that would be a first." BA muttered.

"Guys, I…thanks."

After the silence in the room had lingered for a while Mark spoke up. "Are you all done with your sentimental talks? My patient needs some rest. BA, you can carry him back to the bed, Hannibal you keep that leg still. He feels a bit cold to the touch. Murdock, I want you to curl up next to him and give some body warmth. BA, you watch over the two of them, make sure no one jostles that leg and Hannibal, you as the colonel make sure everybody does his job well. Yell if you need Maggie or me." Maggie threw him a grateful smile.

BA picked up Face and soon had him comfortable in the middle of the bed. Murdock did as he was told, BA settled on the other side of the bed and Hannibal was sitting on the foot of it. They all made sure they were in physical contact with Face without heating him up since he was still anything but cool to the touch. He soon drifted off to a peaceful sleep and Hannibal whispered his thanks to Mark before he and Maggie left the room.

Face gradually grew stronger over the course of the next week. His foot was healing nicely and his body had begun to tolerate the antibiotics a bit better. He still felt like he had a bad hangover, but it paled in comparison to the weeks prior.

Mark had stopped by earlier in the day to check on his progress and announced that Face was ready to start physical therapy and he would be back the following morning to show them what to do. He would be lying if he didn't say that he was scared. He hadn't left the bed for a full week and he wondered how his body would react to being vertical again.

The guys had been amazing. They waited on him hand and foot and were there for him both emotionally and physically. But still, Face felt that something was off. His suspicions were confirmed when Hannibal called an impromptu team meeting after dinner.

"We need to talk," he said as they pulled chairs next to Face's bed.

"And what do you call what we have been doing for the past week?" Face joked.

"A lot of things were said," Hannibal fiddled with an unlit cigar, "but you were so sick half the time, we're not sure how much you heard."

"Plenty," Face retorted. "I know more about all of you than I ever cared to know."

Murdock and B.A. sat quietly; they knew what Face was doing. He was turning on the old Faceman charm to avoid getting serious. They also knew that Hannibal was on to him as well, and that he wouldn't get far.

"Face, so much has happened since we returned from Ecuador. And now that you are up to it, I think we really need to talk about what happened."

"Look guys, I said a lot of things that I probably would never had said if I was in my right mind…"

"I never say anything in my right mind…I prefer the left," Murdock quipped.

"Shut-up fool," B.A. snarled, elbowing him. "This is important."

"But that's just the point, your guard was down so you weren't able to filter yourself like you always do."

"Hey…I do not!" Face argued only to retract the statement when six eyes rolled in his direction. "Okay…okay…maybe I do."

"Sometimes we don't realize how much we hurt you, because you keep your feelings so well tucked inside."

Face could see that Hannibal was planning on having a full blown heart-to-heart at this point, but he wasn't quite sure why. Had he forgiven them for how they treated him before and during the mission? Of course, the way they cared for him in his time of need more than made up for things…and he had told them such.

The trouble was that they weren't buying it. Until, they got the full story about Leslie from his own lips, they were going to feel as if he was holding back on them. To move ahead, they wanted to look behind. However, looking behind meant looking at Leslie, and that was still a very difficult thing for him to do.

Face ran a weary hand through his hair. "And I didn't realize how unfair it was of me to expect you to understand something I never told you about."

Hannibal was about to object, but there was something about the look in his eyes and his downcast stare that told him that Face wasn't ready. While the outer wounds were healing, the internal ones would take some more time. Hannibal patted Face on the knee and said, "Just know that we love you and that we're sorry."

Face looked up in surprise. That was way too easy…and ended way too abruptly. He knew that this would not be the last time the subject was broached, but for now he was glad for the reprieve. Making sure to make eye contact with each of them, he replied, "I love you all too. I think I better get some sleep now…tomorrow's a big day."

Mark arrived bright and early the next day and started to go over the details of Face's physical therapy. "I will show you how to do range of motion exercises to get some of your mobility back. Many of these will require one of your friends to maneuver the foot into the different positions. The incision is healing well, and it is also valuable for there to be some stretching of the tissues in that area as well to prevent the formation of scar tissue."

Maggie jumped in and issued a warning. "Now, I want you to take it slow, Face. You have been lying down for quite some time. Your muscles have atrophied and you are still very weak."

Face nodded his understanding, as Mark spoke again. "This is going to be difficult and painful at first…"

"There's my favorite "p" word again…pain," Face smiled, hiding his fear.

"But I'm afraid it is very necessary if you want to get full use of your foot back again after all the trauma and procedures it endured."

Face was prepared for some discomfort…but he had no idea what was in store for him over the course of the next hour.