Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Stargate Atlantis or the awesome characters.

Spoilers: season 4

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Chapter 21

Security had standing orders to walk Jennifer to her car when she worked late. She hated to impose on people but knew there'd be hell to pay if anyone found out she made the trip alone. After saying good night she drove to an all night market and purchased enough groceries to get her through breakfast and lunch.

Jennifer started thinking about John on the drive home wondering what he could possibly want to talk about. They'd pretty much parted ways long before the attack so he couldn't possibly be feeling guilty about that. Maybe he was having a hard time with his father's death and just needed someone to talk to, she reasoned. As much as she'd like to help, it was still too hard to be near him. Jen hoped he wouldn't be staying long.

After parking the car, she quietly opened the kitchen door setting her groceries on the counter. Jen quickly put everything away and made herself a cup of tea hoping it'd relax her enough to get to sleep quickly. Thankfully John was already in his room for the night. Jennifer carried her tea with her as she turned off all the lights on her way to the bedroom leaving a small table lamp on in the living room in case her nightmares chased her out of her bed tonight.

After washing her face and brushing her teeth Jennifer crawled into bed with her book and the last of her tea. In a matter of minutes she started to drift and turned the light out. Hopefully she'd be able to sleep through the night knowing she wasn't alone in the house.

Sheppard sat straight up in bed reaching for his gun that wasn't there. It took a few moments to realize where he was before he jumped out of bed looking for the source of the screaming.

He raced into Jennifer's bedroom finding her sitting sideways on the far side of the bed, feet on the floor with her head in her hands trembling. He reached out to comfort her only to have Jen jump up swinging and yelling at him to get away. John was doing his best not to hurt her as he tried to grab hold of her wrists.

Jen hit him solidly in the face then shoved him as hard as she could before running toward the door, away from her attacker. It was dark in the bedroom and she stumbled over a pile of clothes hitting the floor and the corner of the door sending shooting pains through her head. Groaning loudly, she continued to rapidly crawl through the doorway and into the hall looking for a way of escape.

Sheppard pushed himself off the window seat where Jennifer had shoved him and hurried after her into the hall. He tried to reach down and scoop her up when she connected with a kick to his kneecap. Thankfully she was in such a position that the kick didn't pack enough momentum to do any damage but it did cause him to pause long enough for her to get away.

She made it to the living room and looked around wildly for some kind of weapon and someplace to hide. She was in such a panic that she couldn't hear John calling her name trying to calm her down. Halfway to the kitchen she felt arms encircle her from behind and pull her off her feet. She continued to squirm and thrash trying to get away but her attacker had her arms pinned to her sides and she knew she'd lost the struggle.

John could feel the fight leave her and he slowly set her feet on the floor. When she didn't resist he felt it was safe to let her go all the while talking to her softly, reassuring her she was okay. Sheppard was totally engulfed in his own set of emotions wanting to hold her and chase away the nightmare.

Jennifer slowly turned and began backing away cowering and holding her hands in from of her face protecting herself. When she hit the back wall she slid to the floor and curled into herself sobbing. Realization finally sunk in that she was in Sam's house and she'd had a nightmare.

"I'm sorry … I'm so sorry," Jennifer cried as she held herself rocking back and forth. "Will I ever be normal again?" she sobbed.

John reached down and pulled her up and into his arms. He had a hard time holding on as she began hitting him and trying to push him away.

"I'm not letting go," he whispered getting a better grip.

"Where were you? Why didn't you come for me?" she cried throwing her pride to the wind. "I can't do this alone, I can't find my way home," she sobbed trying to push away again.

"I'll show you the way," he sighed rubbing her back.

Jennifer buried her head in his chest frantically grasping his t-shirt. "Don't let go," she implored. "Not tonight."

John wanted to declare "not ever" but knew she needed more than declarations from him right now. He needed her forgiveness before they could start building something to last a lifetime and he wasn't letting go till she listened to all his groveling.

He reached down and picked her up heading back to the bedroom. John put her in the middle of the bed then went looking for a box of tissues. Finding some in the bathroom he returned and found her trying to get out of bed.

"I can't sleep in here tonight," she whimpered as he handed here some Kleenex.

"Yes, you can," he answered as he turned out the light and got in bed pulling Jennifer in close wrapping her in his arms. He rubbed her back and whispered words of assurance until they both fell asleep.

John woke first thinking it must be late morning by the amount of light that was streaming in around the edges of the shades. He knew he should probably get up and shower but liked the feel of Jennifer draped across his body so he lingered in bed enjoying the contact.

As Jennifer began to stir, John gently lifted her arms and slid out from under her trying not to wake her completely. Tucking her back in he leaned over and whispered not to get up yet, hoping she'd sleep longer. Before he went to shower he walked out to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. Back in the bathroom he rummaged around until he found a clean washcloth, which he soaked with the water. Returning to the bedroom he placed the cloth over Jennifer's eyes knowing she'd have one hell of a headache from all the crying.

"Lay still," he ordered as he arranged the cold cloth over her eyes. "I'll let you know when the shower's free."

Shutting off the water, John quickly dressed heading to the kitchen to start breakfast. He couldn't help but worry about Jennifer's state of mind. She'd been so upset with him last night and he wasn't exactly sure how to make things right between them.

Jennifer woke completely but wasn't ready to get up. Her emotions were all over the place the strongest one being embarrassment. "He must think I'm a total psycho," she thought to herself. She wasn't sure how she could walk out there and face him after the way she behaved. Hopefully he'll say his peace and be gone by the end of the day.

Jennifer showered and quickly dressed. Taking a deep breath she opened the door and ventured out to the kitchen.

"Wow, everything smells so good," she exclaimed looking at the food spread out on the table. "I see you started a fire too, it's my favorite part of Sam's house," Jennifer added looking out to the living room.

"Sit down … hope you're hungry," he said awkwardly.

"Look, Colonel, I'm truly sorry and really embarrassed for my behavior last night," Jennifer confessed determined not to cry. "I don't usually have an audience for my melt downs … as you can see they've taken on a life of their own lately."

The two awkwardly chatted about meaningless things through most of their breakfast, neither feeling very comfortable. Jennifer was mortified at breaking down in front of him and Sheppard didn't know how to begin his apology.

"How've you been feeling since you've been here?" Sheppard finally asked wanting to hear how she thought she was doing.

"Dr. Lam gave me my last check up a couple weeks ago. She's happy about everything except my weight but we both agreed it may take a bit longer to gain back what I lost," Jennifer explained. "I don't have as much energy as I used to but I think that's from not being able to sleep," she said expressing frustration. "I'm tired of talking about my problems. How are you doing, Colonel?"

'Why don't we take our coffee and sit by the fire? We can clean this up later," Sheppard suggested nervously. He may as well have his talk with her now than stretch it out any longer.

Jennifer agreed and sat on the floor in front of one of the chairs by the fireplace while Sheppard sat in the chair across from her. They sat facing each other in silence for several minutes while Sheppard tried to organize his thoughts. Jennifer could tell he was struggling with something but didn't know how to make it easier for him.

"Colonel, was there something specific you wanted to talk to me about?" Jennifer asked trying to get some conversation going. "Because I thought we cleared the air a long time ago back on Atlantis."

"Yes … no, I mean yes we did but I was wrong," Sheppard growled at himself. He stood up and began pacing trying to find the right words.

"Look … Doc, I'm not good with feelings. I failed miserably with my ex-wife and vowed never to go through that again. Then you came along and I didn't want to go down that road another time. I messed things up but before I could fix anything you were gone," John rambled as he sat down on the floor across from her and leaned against his chair.

"Stop saying you messed things up," Jennifer stated firmly willing herself not to cry. "I'm beginning to feel like a child you have to lecture over and over because they just don't get it. But I do get it … I got it the first time you told me you made a mistake. I totally understand that you don't want anything with me but if you still want to remain friends then you have to stop bringing it up over and over again. I know how you feel about me …," Jennifer explained slowly raising her voice while losing her battle with the tears.

"No you don't understand," he said cutting her off. "You don't know how I feel about you. I messed everything up for us and I need you to forgive me," John stammered. There, he'd said it and now he sat holding his breath waiting for her answer.

Jennifer looked at him dumbfounded. She wasn't sure what he meant but a small kernel of hope started to creep into her heart. "For us? Like you and me kind of 'us'? Because if it's the good friends kind of 'us' then there's nothing to forgive, we're okay. But if you mean the other kind of 'us',"Jennifer let her words trail off afraid to hope for anything more.

John took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair again trying to find the right words to express himself. "I mean traveling through two galaxies to say I'm sorry for being such a jack ass about the way I behaved. I'm sorry for everything I put you through and especially for pushing you away. I'm asking you to forgive me for hurting you and messing everything up between us. I'm asking you, Dr. Keller, for a second chance," he groveled uncomfortably.

Jennifer sat in front of him stunned at his confession. It took a few moments for all of it to sink in while he continued to stumble around with awkward words of apology. In the middle of his ranting she crawled to him and began covering his mouth with small kisses. "You talk too much," she whispered with tears streaming down her cheeks.

John placed his hands on her face and drew her in for a longer kiss. Reaching his hands around her waist he pulled her into his lap attacking her with passionate kisses till long after the fire burned out.