She'd driven for nearly an hour, in and out of crowded downtown neighbourhoods. She told herself she was just wasting time until she had to go home. Home to nothing in particular, simply her life as she knew it.
She had passed the grocery store, the drug store, the gas station. None of them were what she was looking for.
The day played and replayed in her mind, the incessant repetition of the same events ringing in her ears to the point where she feared the lines between memory and present time may be blurring.
Another stop light, another decision. It would be so simple now. Left, right. Either one would have done the trick. Expressway to one side, scenic route to the other. Both would have taken her home, both would have put this disastrous day behind her. Shit, even a U-turn would have done the trick, there were no signs saying she couldn't. And yet she kept going.
There was no hesitation.
Autopilot devoured her, left her powerless to stop it. As she shifted into second gear, she knew where she was going, and it sure as hell wasn't home. Moving into third gear did nothing to discourage her from her current route. If anything, it spurred her on.
Fuck it.
What difference did it really make at this point anyways? It wasn't just about them, it was everyone. Everything was going to shit, why not just go for it? She felt the target on her back, the disciplinary action threatening to pierce her carefully crafted defences at any moment, but this time she didn't care.
This time was different. It was time to take the goddamn chance. There may not have been hesitation in her actions, but an inkling, and only an inkling, of doubt drifted through her mind.
This is such a bad idea. Its not just about me. Selfish. Thats what this is.
She continued driving in spite of herself.
Selfish? Fuck that. It takes two. He can make his own fucking decisions, I'm just presenting my side. He can do with it whatever the fuck he wants.
Emotions overloading her she willed herself not to cry. Against her wishes the tears came.
No reason to cry. Suck it up and just do it!
Needing a minute she pulled off the road. She rubbed at her eyes, pushing the tears away. It only took a few seconds before calm came over her again, and she was just as determined as she had been when she started this death drive. Glancing at her reflection in the rear-view mirror she scowled; make-up everywhere. She rummaged through her glove compartment until she found the cloths she kept in there for just such an occasion, and cleaned her face. This time her reflection showed only her; tired and worn from the day from hell.
It was her, plain and simple. That level of simplicity was all she needed, and she kept driving.
She noticed that traffic was much heavier on the opposite side of the road - it was like some mass exodus from her destination, and yet it did nothing to discourage her from going. Any other time, any other place and she might have taken it as some kind of cosmic sign to turn around, get the fuck out of there.
Not this time.
A parking spot could have been put there just for her - right near the door, easy to get out of if she needed to make a quick exit. They should have just put her name on the damn thing.
She didn't think twice as she flew past the elevators to the stairs - she could take those faster than it could move her anyways.
Suddenly she was there, knocking at the door. And suddenly he was there, staring her down.
Its not gonna go away.
No turning back now.