Happy Christmas to all those of you that are celebrating at the moment :) . Daughter Husband and I are all staying with his family at the moment, so I have been trying to write as much as possible between the presents, too much food, too much alcohol and the usual family squabbles. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing the compliments of the season to you all.
Just found out today that my daughter's halls of residence in Leeds are underwater :(. Her flat is on the second floor so she will be alright, but a special thought to all my readers in the North of England that are still flooded.
With love. Merrick xxx
Sif's Quest – Part Three
Her young guest spoke little in the days following her first revelations. She still slept for the best part of the day, allowing her body to regain its former strength. As the winter still confined them indoors much of her waking hours were spent going through a rigorous series of exercises in the outer cave, rebuilding her muscles' strength and flexibility. Sometimes the two women would practice or spar together, the sound of blade on blade echoing around the cave for the first time in long centuries. The Eldest would laugh at the look of surprise on Sif's face when she realised the strength and skill remaining in her mentor's deceptively frail looking form.
When her body was active, An-Kela noted, Sif's face would be clear, focussed and untroubled, but her young guest's sleep was often broken, and in moments of relaxation her eyes were still deeply troubled. One morning, when she awoke late, sluggish and heavy eyed, bespeaking another restless night, An-Kela knew that it was time to speak again...
ooo0ooo
"Tell me of the Jotuns, Sif, or the Frost Giants as you call them."
Without thinking, Sif's lip curled in distaste. "The Frost Giants are the greatest enemies of the Aesir. They are a primitive, brutal race, violent and uncivilised. They are terrible in battle – their very touch will freeze and blacken Aesir flesh. As a child I grew up hearing the musicians sing songs of the Allfather's great victories over Laufey, evil King of the Frost Giants."
"Laufey, the evil King of the Frost Giants. You portray him as a brutal violent monster, like all of his race. I have seen them once, many centuries ago, great hulking creatures, blue skinned and red eyed. An apt creature for your childhood tales - they must have been terrifying."
Sif nodded. "I remember enjoying the tales, but being frightened once my nurse had put me to bed. I sometimes used to make her stay in my room until I fell asleep. And Thor would tease Loki about the fact that he had been terrified of the frost giants when he was a child. He would have nightmares apparently, and run to Thor's bed..."
An-Kela nodded, noting, but not commenting on the fact that the youngest son of Odin would run to his elder brother for comfort rather than his parents. "The monster under the bed. How strange that no matter where you travel in the Nine Realms, there is always a monster under the bed."
Sif smiled, relaxed. I wonder who the Frost Giant equivalent is. Odin perhaps?
An-Kala's eyes hardened. "Ah yes. Odin the Child Stealer"
Sif looked up at her, wide eyed. "... He didn't... He meant…. I am certain that he did it for the best."
"The best for Asgard, or the best for Loki? Did he look into those scarlet eyes and feel only love and compassion for an abandoned infant, helpless and suffering, or did he see an opportunity far in the future for his puppet on the throne of Jotunheim, a weapon to be used against his greatest enemy?
Very well, let us pause for a moment to consider. You tell me that as a child Loki was terrified of the Frost Giants. As he grew to manhood, he continued in the belief that he had been raised in – that the Frost Giants were brutal savages, to be mistrusted, and fought whenever necessary."
"Yes"
And he continued in this belief for over a thousand years, until quite without warning something happened didn't it?"
"He discovered the truth – while accompanying his brother on a raid on Jotunheim. I did not find out what had occurred until later, after his fall from the Bifrost. For something so catastrophic, he hid it well..."
"That he is not Aesir at all but the son of the demon of his childhood. The rejected and abandoned son of Laufey, stolen by Odin for his potential future use as a diplomatic pawn"
"I do not think that the Queen ever felt thus..."
"No – I would agree with you. I believe that Frigga was the reason that Loki was raised in ignorance, as a Prince of Asgard, rather than put back on the throne of Jotunheim as Odin's puppet. Frigga told me once that from the moment Odin placed him in her arms, Loki was hers. But when the truth came out – as the truth always must in the end – it must have felt like the end of the world for Loki. To his already troubled mind, it must have answered many questions."
Sif frowned. " The Norns know that Hermione – Loki's wife – and I have never been close, but I remember very vividly something that she once said..."
"Go on"
"She said that Loki had been doomed to fail from the moment Odin took him into his arms that day in Jotunheim. What was that expression she used – the black sheep of the family, forever isolated by his inability to meet impossible expectations. That was not at fault, just different, with strengths and weaknesses just has Thor has strengths and weaknesses"
The Elder watched her steadily. "Do you agree?"
Sif shrugged. Loki was always difficult, awkward. His skills, magic – strategy… " her lip curled distastefully "they were more fitting to a woman than a prince and a warrior." She looked up to see her mentor watching her thoughtfully, a small frown between her brows. "What is it? He was no warrior, but I cannot see that he was as Hermione said - doomed to fail. If he had spent less time with his nose in a book, or muttering spells in a corner he might not have fallen behind as he did."
An-Kela sat silently, watching the flames casting flickering shadows upon the walls
"Do you trust me child?"
Sif blinked, surprised. "I do… Why?"
"Because I wish you to try something. Magic, I suppose you would call it." When Sif did not immediately demur she continued. "Ancient Midgardian tribes would practice something of this nature using herbs alone, which they called a vision quest. This however, is a stronger, purer form which requires an ancient power to guide it."
"Like yours?" An-Kela nodded. "What will happen, what must I do?"
An-Kela leaned back against the wall. "The elves refer to this as a Soul Walking. Before we begin I will give you an infusion of herbs which will serve only to relax your mind and body. In this state I will guide your spirit from your body, which will allow you to move through time and space without hindrance, observing events, and even dwelling briefly within the mind of another, experiencing their thoughts and emotions."
"Loki too has powers. Will he be aware of my presence in his mind?"
An-Kela shook her head. "What you will see are but shadows of the past. While your experiences will feel very real, you will have no power to influence or change events. I believe it will give you a more accurate insight into past events, and their influence. You may find it disturbing, but you will not be at any physical risk."
Sif settled herself cross legged by the fire "What do I do?"
An-Kela drew a small flask out of her robe. "First you must drink this, then you should close your eyes and focus on my voice…"
ooo0ooo
It took longer than An-Kela had anticipated to put Sif into the state necessary to begin her Walk, for it was in her nature to control rather than to be controlled, and her resistance to An-Kela's powers was considerable. Eventually though, The Elder felt it, the subtle relaxing, the loosening of bonds beyond the comprehension or detection of all but the most skilled.
When the moment came, Sif could feel her mentor's magic drawing her. It should have been disconcerting, but such was Sif's state of deep relaxation that she was able to follow the Elf's lead without fear or hesitation….
Opening her eyes, she looked around at the familiar surroundings of the Palace of Asgard with a smile, noting with interests the subtle differences between her present location and the palace she had left behind.
"Thor, Thor where are you?" Sif's eyes widened as a slender black haired boy hurtled around the corner, pausing to look around in confusion.
"How is this possible?" Sif murmured.
"What is the matter child?" An-Kela appeared at her side, looking exactly as she had by the fire that morning.
"This is not… That is Loki as a boy. But when he was this age, I did not know him – I was still with my nurse in my father's castle."
"That is because your soul seeks not your past but his. To enter his mind you will need to be closer though, come…" Young Loki had wandered disconsolately around the corner, clearly giving up on any hope of catching his elder brother.
"Well look what we have here. Princess Loki. Should you not be practicing your sewing with the other little girls….?" Hearing voices raised in the distance Sif and An-Kela hurried around the corner. Seeing the scene before them, both women stopped in their tracks. Three boys,roughly dressed, and clearly older and larger than Loki surrounded him, trapping him against the stable wall. One of them staggered back slightly as Loki pushed him away, his voice shrill with indignation. "You leave me alone Ras Arnasson, or my father will hear of this. You will regret laying your filthy hands on a prince of ….." His protests were cut off sharply by a large hand grabbing the collar of his tunic roughly, hauling him off his feet and slamming him against the wall knocking the breath from his lungs.
"What are you going to do to stop me Princess? You are weak, pathetic – an embarrassment to your brother and to Asgard. No doubt you will grow up to be argr too." Seeing his confusion Loki's tormentors laughed coarsely. "He doesn't know what it means…. It means that you are no true warrior, that you allow another warrior to possess you – as if you were a woman. The lowest of the low. Shamed, disgraced."
Spitting in his tormentor's face may not have been a good idea, thought Sif, wincing as a heavy blow to the stomach sent Loki crashing to the floor gasping for breath, but the boy had guts even at that age. In the distance she could hear hurried footfalls, causing the three bullies to look up. Leaning down the largest of the three – Ras Arnasson she remembered – leaned down, pushing his face into Loki's.
"We'll be back little princess, and next time we'll give you a demonstration of what argr means. Cala and Dan will be happy to hold you down while I take my pleasure of you…. You need to know your place – on your back for better men…"
"Loki! Confound it where is the boy? Why can he not keep up like you Fandrall?" The voice coming from around the corner was younger than Sif's earliest memories, but utterly distinctive. Clearly Arnasson and his cronies recognised it too, for with a final vicious kick to Loki's ribs, they fled from the scene just as Thor and Fandrall appeared, halting as they espied Loki huddled on the floor, bloodied and gasping.
"Loki." Striding forward Thor hauled his brother roughly to his feet, careless of his injuries. "What have you been doing?"
His little brother straightened, pulling his clothes back into order, hiding his fear behind a mask of indifference. "It is nothing brother. Do not worry yourself". Even at that age the note of sarcasm was unmistakable.
Instead of the concern Sif had expected Thor's face showed nothing but irritation. "You must learn to defend yourself brother. You should try harder." He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Get yourself to Mother, she will tend your injuries. Come Fandrall, let us go and watch the Warriors practicing." Turning on their heels Thor and Fandrall left Loki leaning weakly against the wall – alone.
Stepping back Sif shook her head. "I need to see no more of this. I do not need to be within his mind to understand how he is feeling at this time for it is writ clear upon his face. I do not recognise Thor in this. If this was how he behaved towards his brother in the past I begin to realise that Loki's antagonism towards him was not simply rooted in jealousy. I do not understand how he could be so indifferent to Loki's fear and suffering."
"Do not be too hard on your friend Sif. Remember that he too is but a boy." Reaching up An-Kela made a complicated motion with her left hand, muttering an incantation as she did so. Sif's stomach churned as everything around her dropped and spun sickeningly, to deposit them in an austere stone chamber in the Palace. Sif looked around her, wide eyed. "This is the Allfather's study."
An-Kela pulled a face. "This is the inner sanctum of the Allfather of Asgard? My cave is more luxurious than this cell"
"It now belongs to Thor. The desk and chair are the same, but the whole ambiance is much more comfortable. His most revolutionary innovation was the conference table, to enable him to confer with his advisors on a more informal basis, and in some comfort. On the rare occasions that Odin Allfather consulted with anyone, he preferred to keep them standing". Sif scowled. "He liked to preserve the formalities and distinctions of rank. I am not sure why we are here though."
An-Kela smiled mysteriously. "Have patience child". The two women fell silent as Odin stalked in, a ferocious frown on his already grim face.
"Loki" murmured Sif. "Only Loki could put such a frown on the Allfather's face". Sure enough, only moments later the door opened once more to admit Frigga and her youngest son.
"Now Sif" murmured An-Kela
There was no discomfort, only a sudden dragging sensation around her diaphragm, not dissimilar to the experience of being apparated by Harry. Arriving in Loki's head however, was less comfortable. The unfamiliar body felt uncomfortable and restrictive, and the sheer intensity of Loki's frustration would give her a headache very soon. Looking around from Loki's unfamiliar height she realised that Frigga was speaking to Odin in impassioned tones.
"Odin please. See reason. There is so much that he could learn on Vanaheim. He has such talent – it would be a shame to waste it."
The King of Asgard rubbed his forehead wearily. Both Sif and Loki were only too aware of how much he hated quarrelling with his wife. Relaxing, gingerly opening herself up a little, Sif was overwhelmed by the force of Loki's frustration, his fear of his father, warring with a desperate desire for his approval. "The waste lies in the boy frittering his time away on women's arts when Tyr is most disappointed by his progress as a warrior, or lack of it. He shows none of his brother's prowess, moreover the other young warriors clearly mistrust him for he appears incapable of inspiring the love and loyalty that Thor does."
The weight of misery and rejection almost crushed her. How could Odin have treated his youngest son so callously, being so dismissive of Loki's achievements and abilities whilst holding up his weaknesses against Thor's strengths so harshly. It was clear that all his son desired was his father's affection and appreciation – surely the natural right of any child from their parent. So absorbed was Sif that she had again failed to listen to the conversation. Frigga's hand was warm on Loki's shoulder.
"Loki, dear, why don't you go to supper so that your father and I may discuss this further. Crushed and humiliated Loki closed the door, hearing his parents raised voices as he ambled down the corridor toward the dining hall, knowing that his mother would distress herself to no effect, on his behalf, and that this would only serve to increase his father's antagonism towards him further. Sighing, Loki strode through the dining hall, heading for his place at the top table, aware of the suspicious looks and whispered conversations around him. Even Thor and his cronies eyed him briefly, before returning to a detailed analysis of the afternoon's hunting trip. Sighing, Loki pulled a book from his pocket, hiding the sting beneath a mask of utter indifference.
There was a strange wrenching sensation and Sif found herself standing at the back of the hall beside her mentor once more. Shaking her head she watched the isolated figure at the top table through narrowed eyes. "An-Kela… I …." But her teacher held up her hand.
"One moment child. There is more to see before we talk…" The world swirled once more and Sif shivered as she found herself in the frigid wastes of Jotunheim.
Returning to the turmoil of Loki's mind, Sif found a burning sense of rage and injustice which had not been there before. She had never experienced such a maelstrom of white hot anger – against Thor who had betrayed and dismissed him, against the entire realm, against Frigga who despite all of her words of support still could not help him, but most of all against his father, who was unable to see how utterly unready his eldest son was to rule Asgard and the Nine Realms. Helpless Sif rode out the turmoil of rage and increasing apprehension in Loki's head as he struggled to make his hotheaded oaf of a brother see reason – as he tried to get them out alive. This had not gone as he had planned it – even he had underestimated his brother's pigheaded fury.
When battle began however, Sif could not help but marvel at the utter calm and focus which had replaced the turmoil. Loki fought like one possessed, but his mind was a thing of organised and subtle beauty…
Which shattered in a moment,at the touch of an icy blue hand.
There were no words to describe his emotions as his brain – struggling to comprehend why the searing agony of deep frostbite did not come as expected – looked down to see the same flush of patterned blue on his own flesh.
Fear. Utter, paralysing fear. Firstly that this was some kind of curse that the giant had put upon him, but seeing the blank confusion in his opponent's face – understanding as his mind cracked open, reeling in shocked understanding.
Everything he had ever known about himself was a lie
And as his mind cracked open, Sif slipped and fell…
Tumbling through a cacophony of memories, some familiar, some not. Tumbling through utter darkness to land in a heap in a cold damp stone cell.
She – or rather he – was chained. The now familiar whirl of Loki's thoughts was gone. Now there was only agony – of flayed skin, of damaged organs and broken bones. Only cold and hunger and thirst and the knowledge that there was nothing else. That they would use his powers of healing against him. Tortured and broken, then allowed to heal, knowing that only further agony awaited him.
That no one was coming for him. He was alone – and one name alone loomed in his shattered consciousness.
Thanos.
"Sif… Sif… Where are you child. Come back to me…."
The commanding voice took a moment to penetrate to Sif's cowering spirit, but eventually she was able to lock onto it, feeling the now familiar feeling of disengagement as she spun back through a vortex of stars to land, with what felt like bruising force, back into her own body.
ooo0ooo
When Sif awoke, she was back in her bed, wrapped in several blankets, with An-Kela watching over her, acute anxiety clear on her face.
"An-Kela?" Sif muttered. "Am I back or is this another dream?"
The Elder closed her eyes in relief. "Thank the Norns you are back in your right mind again. I am sorry child. In all the centuries I have guided Soul Walkers I have never had that happen before. I feared that your soul would be forever lost wandering the void. Since you returned you have been unconscious – speaking in your delirium of horrors I cannot begin to describe. Where in the Nine did you go Child?" Seeing Sif struggling to answer she held up a hand to stop her. "No – first you must eat and drink for your strength has been far more depleted than it should have been by this experience. When you are fed and rested we will discuss all that you saw and felt…."
ooo0ooo
That evening when Sif was feeling better, she returned to the fireside, to discuss her experiences with her mentor.
"My curiosity – always met besetting sin – is burning to understand what befell you during the time when you were lost from my sight, but my role as your guide in this Walk compels me to review your experiences in a more structured manner. We have already spoken briefly of the first vision – of the three boys that threatened Loki. I recall that you were angry with the way that Thor behaved. In light of your later visions, do you have anything further to add?"
As her mentor had taught her Sif firmly quelled her initial indignation , reviewing her memories and attempting to see them without the red haze of indignation.
"Thor and his Father were always close, and I can see now that Thor was simply taking his cues from Odin."
"Go on…"
"While this is regrettable in any family, this inability to form his own judgement was inexcusable in a future King and Allfather. To be fair, since the incident with the Chitauri, Thor has decided where his loyalties truly lie – and has held to that, even to the extent of formally deposing his Father."
A-Kela smiled. "Well done child, you have learned much it seems. Now, let us look at the first part of your second vision, in Odin's study. What emotions were you picking up?"
"I had anticipated anger. There was frustration but that was all. What he sought most desperately was for his Father to value him - to love him – simply for himself – he is no fool, he knows that he is academically brilliant and powerfully magical, but in his Father's eyes these skills counted for nothing against Thor's physical strength and leadership abilities."
"Odin felt that Loki simply wasn't trying?"
"I think so. That all those things that…" Sif struggled to put her train of thought into words… "Those things that made Loki, Loki were just distractions – trivialities."
"And later – in the dining hall?"
Sif looked as though she was about to speak, then changed her mind, frowning
"Go on Child…"
"I was about to say that he was lonely - but that cannot be"
"Why not?"
"Because he lived in the Palace of Asgard. He was a Royal Prince. Aside from the Allfather, and the Queen and Thor, he was surrounded by people. How could he have been lonely, when he never lacked for company?"
"So who were his closest friends?"
Sif searched her memory, trying to recall a time when she had seen the younger Prince of Asgard enjoying the company of friends and found it harder than she had anticipated.
"Well, there was Thor – and he spent a lot of time with us – with Fandrall, Hogun, Volstagg and I."
The strange silver eyes seemed to look straight into her soul... "So he had no real friends of his own? Tell me Sif. Did you enjoy his company? Did you value him as a companion as you had in the past? Or was he simply your friend's awkward difficult little brother by then.?"
Sif stared into the flickering green and blue flames, remembering the number of times that they had mocked Loki for his use of magic and for the way that he would always use tricks and strategy as an alternative to brute force, even when it had been that very magic and intelligence which had so often got them out of trouble.
She found that she couldn't look up. Couldn't see the expression on her mentor's ancient, compassionate face...
"He was never one of us..." she whispered. "We used him, but he was never a part of our company... He was odd – different, and we never allowed him to forget it."
An-Kela's voice was gentle. She never pushed, never became frustrated when Sif was stubborn or slow to understand.
"We have a saying among my people, that loneliness is not about the number of people that surround you, but about how many of them understand and value you. So tell me now Sif. As he grew up, who understood and valued Loki?"
The silence stretched into infinity, as Sif raked back, through distant memory, and the revelations of her recent visions. "The Queen – his mother."
"That is all?"
"I think so – yes. He used to spend time in the city with an alchemist and goldsmith, Gayan and his wife. And he would go to others – scholars in the city…to study sometimes." She was silent for a moment… "And I did… For a while…"
"So – back to the my original question..."
Sif shook her head slowly. "He was always the outsider. He was so terribly, terribly lonely. Hermione was right. He was the black sheep of the family - and when he was pushed hard enough, the black sheep finally became a wolf."
An-Kela nodded, satisfied. "Would you prefer child, to look at the final vision in the morning when you are rested?"
Relieved Sif nodded, glad to defer having to re-examine the horrors of that dark cell.
"Then before we retire, let us speak for a moment of this mortal witch that is now a princess of Asgard. Tell me a little of Loki's wife. I understand from Frigga that they met on Midgard, and that she is responsible for his recovery?"
Her pupil shook her head ruefully. "When I first met her I took her for an innocent, for a foolish mortal girl bewitched by a handsome face and a smooth tongue. I took her for his victim – his dupe."
"You were wrong?"
Sif tipped her head back and gave the first true, honest laugh that her teacher had heard from her.
"I admit it – I was blind and utterly foolish. She is powerfully magical, clever and as strong as steel. She is also a woman of great courage and is fiercely loyal to him, even more so now, that I understand that she carries their child. Harry was her childhood friend, and her loyalty to him is nearly as great. She was most displeased when she discovered our relationship - although…"
"Although?"
Sif frowned thinking back to the scene behind the training ground and Hermione, wand in hand, eyes blazing. "…it's strange. I hadn't thought of this before, but from things that Harry has dropped into the conversation – I think that Loki was the one that - I believe the expression is 'talked her down' that day."
"So he does not object to your relationship?"
Sif's frown deepened. "It does not appear so. He teases Harry, I know, but I do not believe that either Thor or Loki have a problem with Harry and I being together. In fact I know that Thor does not object, otherwise I would not be here at all."
"An interesting thought to ponder" said An-Kela rising. "Bed Child. You have had a long day"
ooo0ooo
The events of the day had indeed exhausted Sif, but in spite of her best efforts, sleep eluded her. She spent the night reliving her visions, tossing and turning, going over her own memories in the light of her new understanding. Eventually she gave up, leaving her bed to return to the fire. Prodding the it into life, she was unaware of the silver eyes watching her from the back of the cave
"I am sorry Child, I meant for today's experience to bring you clarity and understanding, not further anxiety."
Sif started. "I didn't see you An-Kela, I must be getting soft."
The Elder seated herself in her usual cross legged position by the fire. "Bad dreams Child?"
Sif nodded, gazing into the fire, her eyes deeply troubled
"Where did you go? When you fell."
Sif stirred the fire with a stick, watching the flames licking around it. "Did you know about Loki's attempt to kill himself?"
"He fell from the Rainbow Bridge - Frigga spent some time with me after it happened"
"I was one of her escort. She eluded us - disappeared" Sif smiled. "We never told Odin. Not that we could have told him much, we had no idea where she went. Now I know..."
"Go on..."
"Loki fell through the void, and I fell into his memories. I found myself - still within his head - chained in a dungeon. He fell into the hands of the Chitauri. They tortured him An-Kela. An Aesir warrior is trained to withstand torture, but to use his own healing ability against him? To destroy him, allow him to heal again, only to torture him once more. He knew that no one could find him, that no one would come for him. So he did the only thing he could - he made a deal." She shook her head "He believed he was a monster. That he had nothing left to fight for. I have never known despair like it."
"Now you understand."
Sif nodded. "Now I understand." She stretched, yawning. "I believe I may be able to sleep now."
"Sleep well Child"
Sif smiled, her eyes warm and relaxed. "I will. Goodnight"
ooo0ooo
Sif remained with An-Kela for some time, waiting for the weather to clear. It was no hardship to spend time with the elf who was happy to share her skills and knowledge with so willing a pupil, but eventually there came a time when the wind across the front of the cave was noticeably milder. An-Kela looked up at the sky, sniffing the breeze.
"The weather is changing. If the thaw holds you will be able to leave the cave soon".
"I can go home…" Catching her mentor's eye, Sif smiled. "I have to go home… I need to make things right." Lifting her chin she added. "I am ready to make things right"
In the end there was no need for Sif to wait. Two days later thunder and lightening crackled across the mountain peaks and the heavens opened; by the following morning the countryside around the cave was drenched and muddy.
Bidding an affectionate goodbye to her mentor, Sif shouldered her gear, and, heading for the high ground, staff in hand to help with the mud, she finally took the paths that led home."
Sif will return home in the second chapter of "A Tale of Three Christmases" to be published before New Year. There is still one more chapter of Harry's story to come.
Many thanks to all those of you that are still sticking with this, which hasn't ended up exactly as I originally intended when I started to write it what feels like years ago. Hang in there, we're nearly there. Please don't forget to let me know what you think. M x