A/N - So this is the last chapter and probably a short epilogue to follow. Thanks so much for following this story. I wasn't sure I could pull off a cross over and make it relevant to Glee and The Hunger Games. I hope I did.
The 19th Hunger Games - You Reap What You Sow
The Beginning
Chapter XXI
Quinn feels gutted, so empty inside and really just following instructions of the people around her even as her eyes desperately scans the room for something or someone familiar. She knows that they're helping her, healing her only she understands that nothing was ever going to make her whole again. She sits uncomfortably in the chair, not leaning back and her entire body so tense that every touch no matter how gentle just seems to hurt.
Quinn accepts that she's broken and lost and no matter what occurred for her in the future, she was always going to feel the gaping wound inside. Losing Rachel was something she had only contemplated in passing because she had always envisioned Rachel winning the Games and living her life and sharing her gift.
Except it didn't turn out that way and all she has left are those memories of making love under the stars and stolen kisses as night turned into day. Added together, they didn't even total a week but it would have to be enough to last her lifetime.
"This may scar but we'll try our best to make it almost invisible." The curly haired man talking to her sounds almost regretful but she cannot understand any of their emotions because her own is so overwhelming as it is. She looks down at the burn scars he is talking about and finally reacts as she shakes her head.
She can see he does not understand so she says the one word, "No." Her voice sounds rusty, hoarse and she can feel her throat is still raw from the screaming and crying she had done that last day.
By her count, more than a day has passed since she was retrieved from the Games and they're all working hard on making her presentable so that the Capitol can sell their winner and feel good about themselves. She feels like throwing up even if she knows her stomach is empty. So all she does is refuse his care.
"Leave the scar...please." Quinn's so scared of forgetting Rachel and knows that she will need all of it to remind her of the girl she fell in love with. The girl who saved her life literally and made her believe that life was worth living.
She gets that she needs to live it now, her promise to Rachel and Sam weighing so heavy on her. "It's all I have...I need it to remember everything, to remember her." Her voice goes soft even as she squeezes her eyes shut, trying so hard to conjure an image of Rachel, happy and 's still staring at the scars on her hands when she hears the words.
"Thank you."
Quinn looks up, blinking as she thinks she sees Rachel but the woman is older and she finally places her as the Head Stylist. She does not understand why she's earned thanks and does not really care except the woman has tears in her eyes and Quinn can see that she's in pain, maybe not physical but is the closet manifestation to what she herself was feeling.
"Thank you for looking out for Rachel and most of all, thank you for loving her." Shelby envelops Quinn in a hug as she says the words. The sadness lining the blonde's face is palpable but the way her eyes reflected her pain was difficult to look at unless you were feeling something similar. Perhaps not the same level by any means but even a tenth of it was so much to bear that all Shelby feels is constant pain.
Quinn holds all of it in, she's so afraid that if she allows even an iota of all her emotions to surface, she won't be able to face a future without Rachel and she would renege on her promise. Sam had truly given his life for her and Rachel and to not try and honour his memory was also a sin in her mind.
So even if she derived comfort from the hug and Shelby's words, she can't say anything in return except to nod her head and hold Shelby close for that small amount of time because somehow Rachel had touched her life and her death affected Shelby significantly.
It's then that she spots someone else she recognises from before and finally understands the impetus to not speak. Quinn sees Shannon walking towards her and though she knows she will never feel whole again, she at least understands that she has someone who knows what she feels like and what she had endured.
The look Shannon gives her and the way she finally holds Quinn's hand is enough acknowledgment for Quinn to at least understands that she can get through the next few days. So she closes her eyes and leans back, not comfortable but not fighting against the help as much anymore.
The softest of whispered words washing over her that shes's unsure of their origin even if they give her hope. "Have faith."
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"She needs to rest and take these if her pain flares up." He hands Jean the vial and a syringe. He's giving her the medicines he usually reserves for the Mayor and his family. Russell is not sure if its guilt that's driving him or the fact that he views her survival as a miracle only his religion could explain.
When he had first seen her her sleeping on the narrow cot, he was struck by a visceral reaction of pure unadulterated fear. He had watched the Games until the end and knew that Quinn had won. Only seeing this girl, hurt but still very much alive made him question if his daughter was really the one who had perished.
She had opened her eyes then, giving him a look of that mirrored his own in that he could tell she was fearful of him. He had stood over over, bag in hand but it was his knife that drew her attention.
Jean had sensed the unease and had stood in front on him, hands on hip, demanding that he stay true to his oath. Despite her disability, she was a force to be reckoned with, always speaking her mind and never paying the rest of the citizens much heed because they underestimated and ignored her.
And if he were the man he had been a month ago, he would have let his fear get the better of him, pushing pass Jean and hurting Rachel. Only all he can recall of the Games was the way this petite girl had protected his daughter and in the end, how she had rushed in without any thought of her own safety to step between that hulk of a boy tribute and Quinn, who had been bound and hurt.
For all intents and purposes, Rachel Berry had given her life for his daughter and he knows he will do everything in his power now, to save her. He's examined her and can tell that the wound is still raw and infection has set in. And he knows she will most probably die so all he can can offer would be his prayers.
"You have to make sure that the wound is clean and monitor her. Infection has set in and the medicine can help but she has to be strong enough to fight it on her own." His voice is partly resigned as he truly feels that her survival is really out of his hands and all he can do is ease her pain.
"She can die?" Jean looks worried and he tries to modulate his own voice even if he knows all he can really give her right now is his faith. He's surprised when she takes his hand even before he says the words.
"Yes but...maybe we could ..maybe we could pray." She looks at him, her eyes so clear that he cannot fault her wisdom even if he knows that she thinks by a different yardstick, she was probably more equipped here than he is.
She nods before bowing her head, his soft words somehow so clear in the small room. What is even more surprising is the way the girl's features even out, no longer marred with pain. And his voice is soothing, like a balm such that Jean also feels that things would work out.
Its only when he finishes does she again get that feeling of unease this time not by his actions but by his words, "If she survives this, No one must ever know she's here."
Jean does not acknowledge his words because she thinks that he does not mean exactly what he says but she also knows that correcting him may result in something worse. So she just turns back to look at Rachel, her hand unconsciously going to touch the girl's forehead and he doesn't wait for her to say anything else as he makes his exit.
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Quinn never pictured her return to District 4 because the second she had volunteered, she had made peace with saying goodbye and never seeing her father or the ocean ever again. The trip to the Capitol had been filled by Sam's voice, continuos and reassuring, talking about everything and anything.
As if he knew he needed to leave a part of himself with her to eventually take back. She remembers all of it, how he talked about hating the taste of fish because he caught them every day and how he loved music and their house filled with the voices of him and his dad when they sang, his mom smiling at their antics.
Quinn knows she needs to eventually tell all of it to Stevie and Stacie, including everything that Sam had done in the Games. How he had saved her not only with his actions but also with his words.
Only that's what she's missing currently. All the words stuck in her head and not able to come out at all. Finally completely understanding why Shannon has remained silent all those years. The journey back now silent and filled with such heavy memories.
Memories of sweet kisses and gentle caresses of words of love washing over her and that distinct knowledge that she will never be whole again.
Only one constant between the two trips was Shannon holding her hand such that when she steps out of the vehicle, she does not fall to her knees when she's hit with the finality of her situation; a life without Rachel and a future she's not sure she can face as she sees the mass of people before her.
The sound of all of them gathered as overwhelming as the feelings engulfing her. Calling her name, clapping and cheering so loudly. And then she spots them, her father looking haggard but more due to lack of sleep than filled with drink and Sam's family. His mother supported by her two remaining children.
She sees Mary clinging to them, her face not contorted in pain and Quinn's unsure until she sees Mary's hand move, her fingers forming such a familiar sign as the hand finally rest across her heart.
Quinn stares at her and slowly, the sound dims as her father and all the others there, numbering in the thousands, form that sign that symbolises so much more now than it did it the past.
Finally, silence reigns and all Quinn can do to acknowledge them is to nod before she walks to her father and feels him arms wrap around her. The hug a long time coming and she sinks into it such that she knows he's supporting most of her weight. Her tears come fast and furious and he understands as he carries her back to their house.
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She can't sleep although she has managed to rest such that it's not tiring to carry out a conversation with Jean or to walk a bit around the small house, stopping every now and then to look at the framed photographs and mementos scattered around, listening to Jean's memories in hope of of salvaging her own.
Even her name is so unfamiliar such that she has to repeat it in her head, 'Rachel, Rachel, Rachel' like a mantra and she wishes she could hear it fall from the lips of someone else besides Jean.
Despite her strange speech and appearance, Rachel did trust her and knows that she has been looked after in the best possible way. "Why am I here?" it's a question she's been asking each day since she regained consciousness.
And each of the past twenty three days had netted her the same answer. She sees Jean turn to look at her and the words are familiar even if they bring no comfort. "To heal, to get better and to live."
And deep down she knows that while she may be healing, her wound no longer infected, she didn't feel at all connected to anything. The only time she even felt remotely right was when Jean held her hand but even then she knows intrinsically that she's missing something.
"Can I go outside?" This question is new and catches Jean by surprise even as she shakes her head. Peacekeepers still abound, actually moreso than before as the tribute champion had arrived home a few weeks ago. The fact that they stayed had made her wary.
She can see them patrolling the perimeter of her land and knows that it's only a matter of time before they encroach it and when that happens, she cannot let them see the girl.
"Tonight, maybe." the sliver of the crescent moon enough of a mask for them. "We could go and look at the sea." Jean's back is to Rachel such that she does not catch the frisson of recognition on the girl's face.
The word reverberating in her mind, the voice saying it different, pleading and thick with tears. "The sea...it sparkles." the words come unbidden but the feeling of familiarity vanishes and all she's left with is that feeling of being untethered and lost.
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She's not eating and barely taking care of herself and Russell knows exactly what he can do to change it. Except it's not something that he can do now as he looks at the Peacekeepers standing outside his house. He's sure that when Shannon had won, they never stayed more than a few days, leaving the local battalion to carry on.
This time, they had accompanied his daughter back and remained in the village even after a month. He can see them watching his daughter. Not caring that she was wasting away but just watching her as if expecting her to do something or worse yet expecting something to occur. And he knows that somehow they suspect something about Quinn and maybe Rachel and for that he knows he can not tell her of the other girl.
He's heard their talk and fuelled it by buying them drinks. So he knows that they're here to keep an eye out. To ensure that the tribute champion does nothing out of turn that could besmirch the Games or worst yet ignite unrest.
He holds his tongue when he hears them laugh at her muteness and that of the previous champion, joking that it must be the salt air of the District. Russell knows they will leave eventually and prays that his daughter hangs on until then.
"There's soup and some bread, freshly baked." She continues to stare out the window, not acknowledging his words except with a tiny shake of her head. And he has to steel himself when she does turn around, the hazel of her eyes so piercing and so painful to see.
He wants to hear her voice and misses it so much but he cannot push her either so he speaks instead. "It felt like the end of the world for me." His voice even but filled with such emotion as everything that he's been holding back all her life finally leaks out. "Losing her even before we had a chance to live."
He knows she sees the parallel here and wonders if she will take it to the conclusion he had. He never had anyone to steer him away and realises that he can at least help her see more clearly so he walks towards the cupboard to the side and grabs the three bottles of white liquor he has there. Her eyes now on the bottles and he can see the desperation mirrored back.
How she's thinking about blotting out the pain, not by ending anything because she had made a promise but maybe she could dull it. Only he needs her to understand that she's stronger than he ever was as he flings the bottles against the wall, the liquor splashing back on him.
"I missed her so much that I forgot that I had you and you needed me to be present. Drinking let me forget the pain but it made me forget her and what she wanted for you, how she loved you." He sees the tears now and the way her her hands form into fists.
Russell holds his breath, hoping he had gotten through only she remains silent and turns back to the window. And he understands that maybe he will never be able to fix her even if he knows someone who can.
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"The Peacekeepers are leaving today." Jean sounds relieved and Rachel can only nod at her words, not really understanding their threat but taking her cue from Jean. It's been almost two months and each day she feels the walls closing in but she also does not have any point of context that her life had been better.
Her injuries and scars point to a difficult life, one she thinks she's maybe better off not remembering even if late at night just as she's about to drift off, she thinks of soft hands and sweet words. Rachel knows its most probably her desperate need to connect to something or someone. To pretend that she matters and maybe somewhere out there she may have mattered to someone as well.
"So I could go out later, see the ocean like you said." Her voice sounds hopeful and when she sees Jean smile and nod, she feels that her life was at least starting again.
Jean is still cautious such that they don't venture out until its just before sunrise, their soft footfalls in the dewy grass creates a rhythm that Rachel feels like singing to.
Like everything else to her, it's a new feeling that she hopes to explore later, not sure if her voice is any good but needing to at least put word to song. She smells the water before she sees it, cool, wet and salty.
She hears the crashing of the waves even as her feet scramble up the embankment, anxious to catch her first glimpse. And when she does, it astounds her. The vastness of it, the way the horizon stretches so far and the way the water sparkles as it catches the first rays of the sun.
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Quinn cuts through the water easily, her strong strokes bringing her parallel to shore and allowing her to see the fishing boats make their way out to sea. The scars on her hands no longer hurting in the sea water but even when they did, she didn't let that stop her.
The time in the water spent to remember who is she and what she has lost, to give thanks to those who sacrificed for her and who sacrificed their lives such that that she could live. She swims because it's a solitary exercise that highlights she will always be alone.
The beaches almost always empty except for the fishermen who only nod in her direction now, conscious that she wouldn't speak back even if spoken to. It's no different this morning as she sees the last boat leave and waves them off.
The shore seemingly so close and just two people walking along the dunes. It's an idyllic view that belies the fact that she still feels so lost. Quinn knows that she's losing herself bit by bit starting with her voice and soon, everything that she used to be will disappear.
She's not afraid of dying but she knows that she is still so damn afraid of living because she has lost so much. The rip current catching her by surprise that she forgets to take a breath as a wave crashes over her pulling her downwards in its undertow.
The water rushing into her lungs so quickly that she almost panics. Only she's been swimming most of her life and knows to let the water guide her even of she understands that she could also just let go.
The choice is there for her and as her head breaks above the wave, she makes it as she takes a deep breath before she feels herself being pulled under yet again. The will to live still burning within her. The need to ensure that all the deaths she had witnessed had a witness even if they no longer had a voice.
Quinn knows she can't speak for them, her words forever buried deep within but at least her presence will always be a reminder of their sacrifice. She breaks the surface again and continues to swim parallel to the shore, her arms heavy with exertion and her chest tight from the water within and without.
The shore even closer now but she knows there's a chance she won't make it as she's pulled under again.
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Jean sees the swimmer in the distance and knows that the time has finally come as she glances at Rachel. The girl no longer feverish or sick even if she had lost so much weight that her cheeks are hollow and her skin pale.
"Do you know how to swim?" Rachel's question catching her by surprise and she just nods before pointing out the swimmer in the sea.
"Not as good as she can but the first time I saw all this, I promised myself I would swim in it eventually." They're walking in parallel to the swimmer and Jean knows that their path will intersect.
"Something is wrong." Rachel's voice is anxious as she points towards the swimmer who disappears beneath the swells.
Jean does not wait as she rushes into the surf swimming out, thankful that Quinn had managed to swim back before being pulled under. She reaches Quinn and pulls her towards the shore, Rachel actually following her such that she helps drag the girl out.
Quinn's barely conscious when they place her on the sand and it's only when Rachel finally gets a good look of the girl they had saved does all of her memories come flooding back as she utters that one name that has always been her anchor.
"Quinn."
End Part 21