A/N: I do apologise my lovelies for taking so very long to post another chapter for this story. I have been scolded into submission by Selena...and rightly so! I have to go with where my mind takes me and have been adding to other stories that I'm currently working on. My head has no rhyme or reason to it, so there it is. I'M SORRY! Do you forgive me? I can't believe I'm to 199 reviews on this...and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. You guys ROCK! I wonder if I could reach over 250 by the end of the story? Who knows? Oh well...on with the show...
I would like to take a special moment to thank Jennifer and Michaela. You girls have been my rock, my soft place to fall and my friends, supporting me throughout this story even when I was on the verge of letting it go. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You ladies are very special, and mean the world to me...don't ever forget that! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or even Midnight Sun. But I gave writing it my best shot! LOL
EPOV
I heard the door open, and continued to remain still, steadily breathing in and out.
"Mom!" Bella cried as if she were a child again, her voice filled with love and relief at the very sight of her mother.
Oh good, he's finally asleep. This may be my only chance to speak to Bella.
The woman who held my fate in her hands walked into the room quietly, deliberately. Outwardly she was a woman on a mission. Inwardly, she was a little flustered, her thoughts still scattering like leaves in the autumn breeze. Underneath it all, however, I sensed a steely determination, and that was what concerned me most. My breaths remained slow and even, as I tried to contain my emerging emotions, which appeared to mirror Renee's.
"He never leaves, does he?" she mumbled. This boy is obsessed with my daughter!
"Mom I'm so glad to see you!" Bella cried. I sensed that she truly did miss her mother, and was genuinely pleased to see her. For that, I was relieved, but at the same time my escalating feelings, which ranged from fear to anguish, tore away at me. I stopped breathing for a moment as I tried to compose myself, and they continued their conversation.
Oh God Bella, don't cry! I heard Bella's quiet sobs as she cried, wanting more than anything to soothe away her pain, but I knew that I needed to allow Renee to mother her only daughter.
"Bella, I was so upset," she said childishly, not really communicating what her thoughts reflected.
"I'm sorry, Mom. But everything's fine now, it's okay," Bella replied, her voice soothing her mother, their roles reversing once more. Were there no bounds to Bella's selfless nature?
Oh dear, she's apologising to me for upsetting me. Why do I say such things? And why do I always feel as though she's mothering me?
"I'm just so glad to see your eyes open," Renee replied as I heard the bed creak with the weight of her sitting on the bed next to Bella.
"How long have they been closed?"
How long indeed. Exactly two days, sixteen hours and thirty six minutes to be exact. I focused once more, and began to breathe.
Oh, when was it when Bella got hurt? I've lost track of time! Oh well, best not upset her too much anyway.
"It's Friday, hon, you've been out for a while," she replied vaguely.
"Friday?" Bella replied, her voice resoundingly shocked.
Oh dear, she has no idea how very serious this was! Poor Bella!
"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey – you've got a whole lot of injuries," she responded, clearly feeling discomfort at confirming that Bella had been gravely injured. Oh if only she knew...
"I know," Bella replied, her voice straining against the obvious pain she felt, causing my body to tense with worry.
I have to make her see how lucky she was...she can't ever do this again!
"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there," she said. And what a hunk! If I was just a few years younger and single...
I nearly laughed at her digressing thoughts, but instead breathed a little more rapidly to cover up my near indiscretion while I felt a slight smile creep over my lips. After considerable effort, I managed to wipe it away as I tried to keep up my facade of the sleeping human.
"He's such a nice man...very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor..."
How is it possible that the entire family are so young and good looking? They are their own fashion magazine!
I was so amused by Renee's playful thoughts that it made me feel lighter and less troubled than I had in a while. I knew worse was to come, however, and waited for the inevitable...but seemed buoyed by Renee's demeanour. Perhaps she would be accepting of things no matter what the outcome. Or, perhaps I was fooling myself.
"You met Carlisle?"
"And Edward's sister, Alice. She's a lovely girl," Renee said, Alice's heart having taken in another victim. Alice was a lovely girl. She was the glue that bound us all together, and was the most human of all the Cullen siblings. She had the uncanny ability to bring out the best in everyone, and I suspected that even if she did not have her visions, she would still possess that ability. Her attitude was always so upbeat and she could easily relate to anyone she met, be they human or vampire and that never ceased to amaze me considering her start in this life. Though I was the mind reader, Alice was a soul reader of the highest calibre, of that I had no doubt. She always knew how to cater to the needs of those around her, even if she had to goad them into what she knew was best for them, and I loved her for it even when it nearly drove me crazy.
"She is," Bella agreed with sincerity, confirming that Alice was correct and that she and Bella would become close. I wondered that if we left Forks if that would ever be. Bella would then be deprived of a special friendship with a special person, and it would be of my doing.
Look at him. He and his family have become more than a passing fancy. As Renee's thoughts turned to those of my close knit family and the bond they shared with Bella, I sensed that they were both staring at me and focused on my slow and steady breathing once more, my breaths calming me somewhat.
"You didn't tell me you had such great friends in Forks," Renee muttered, her thoughts continuing to remain concerned about Bella's bond with me and my family. Indeed, she had cause to be concerned. More than she would ever realise. Look at my Bella, she's so vulnerable, so broken. She seems to be more reliant on this boy and his family than is healthy. My poor, beautiful girl. She's always been so independent, but now...
I heard the bed creak as Bella shifted her body and moaned, causing me to immediately open my eyes and stare at her pain filled face. I had to fight every instinct I had to stay put and not rush to her side to comfort her. Thankfully, Renee's eyes were fixed on her daughter and she asked in desperation, "What hurts?"
"It's fine," she said as she stared at me in assurance. "I just have to remember not to move." I inhaled and closed my eyes once more, relieved that she had not injured herself further, the desire burning within every part of my being to rush to her side.
"Where's Phil?" Bella asked, no doubt trying to distract her mother from her pain and therefore her focus. If only she knew that she was walking into an inevitably awkward and potentially life changing conversation.
Well, now's as good a time as ever. Here goes...
"Florida – oh Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!"
"Phil got signed?" Bella replied.
"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns, can you believe it?" Indeed. This situation was incredibly unbelievable.
"That's great, Mom," Bella said with a little enthusiasm, but her voice indicated that she was confused.
Time to get this girl home. Now for the difficult conversation. My fate was now in the hands of Renee, and I clenched my fists in anticipation. Without a breath, Renee began to launch into her plea for her daughter to return home to her.
"And you'll like Jacksonville so much," Renee gushed. "I was a little bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything, because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't THAT bad. We found the cutest home, yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom..."
"Wait, Mom!" Bella interrupted. My body was on fire, every sinew tense with anticipation as I peeked through my lidded eyes and found Bella's staring at me with a look of sheer panic on her face. I realised that I did not appear asleep, but I could not control my emotions any longer and had to see what was occurring. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to live in Florida. I live in Forks," she added as my eyes shut once more and I mentally sighed. My muscles uncoiled in an instant at her words, but then the tension reappeared as I realised I was back to square one. Bella was not about to allow Renee to decide her fate...and in turn the fate of my family and myself.
Oh dear Bella! Why on earth do you feel obligated to live in that horrible place? Obviously she still thinks I will be away with Phil. That's all it is, surely...I obviously need to clarify things with her.
"But you don't have to anymore, silly," she laughed. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now...we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games half the time with you, and half the time with him."
"Mom," Bella said, hesitating, no doubt trying to think of how to let her mother down easily. "I WANT to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends."
Likely story. It's that boy. Of course it is.
Bella let out a small sigh and tried another tactic, picking up on the fact that her mother suspected that I had too much influence on her decisions. And, she was correct in her assumption. "And Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook AT ALL," she argued.
This is unbelievable! Why on earth would ANYONE want to stay in that godforsaken place? Charlie's managed without Bella this long... Renee's thoughts were lost, and she appeared to feel defeated. How could she argue against her daughter apparently abandoning her helpless father?
"You want to stay in Forks?" she asked, bewilderment in her voice. "Why?"
"I told you – school, Charlie – ouch!" Without thought as to the consequences, my eyes shot open briefly but I did not move. Renee was fussing over Bella, unable to think of what to do, finally patting Bella on her unbandaged forehead. I let out a relieved breath and closed my eyes once more, though the fear and frustration that I felt was still there.
I can't let this happen. I miss her!
"Bella, honey, you hate Forks," Renee reminded her with futility.
"It's not so bad," Bella answered somewhat casually.
I can't stand this. I have to ask her. Look at the boy! He's gorgeous...and looks can take a girl in...
"Is it this boy?"
"He's part of it," Bella admitted. Oh if it were only that casual, that simple. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"
"Yes," she replied, hesitating as I felt her eyes bore into me once more. "And I want to talk to you about that." I breathed in and out, trying my best to still appear asleep, a sudden knot making an appearance in my stomach.
"What about?" Bella asked with mock innocence.
"I think that boy is in love with you," she said in an accusing tone, keeping her voice low.
I breathed in and out, the knot increasing in size, my breaths becoming rapid. As much as I loved Bella, I did not want to be the cause of any misgivings between them. I did not need to add that to the long list of wrongdoings I had exacted upon her. I wondered if she would confess her feelings about me to her mother, the knot twisting within me as I waited for her response.
"I think so too," Bella answered.
"And how do you feel about him?" As if I didn't know.
Bella sighed, hesitating before she spoke, no doubt trying to choose her words carefully so as not to alienate her mother, or make her worry about the serious nature of our relationship. "I'm pretty crazy about him."
Crazy...now there's a word. Oh no, Bella! Please don't go down the same road as I did with Charlie! I can't lose her over this. What should I do? Hmmm...I will just have to be diplomatic.
"Well, he SEEMS very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella..." she said with uncertainty, no doubt because her parental concern was not her usual role to play.
"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it. It's just a crush," Bella replied soothingly, their roles immediately switching back once more.
A crush? I guess I can deal with that...
Renee's thoughts were SO child-like. She was willing to accept Bella's explanation rather than challenge them, for fear of losing her. I suspected that she still wanted Bella away from me, but knew that she would need to tread carefully.
"That's right," Renee conceded, seemingly easily pleased. Oh dear it's nearly time for Phil to call. I miss him so much...
"Do you need to go?" Bella asked instinctively.
"Phil's supposed to call in a little while...I didn't know you were going to wake up..." And there it was. Renee's life was set and even though she wanted her daughter home, I knew of the tug of war that Renee would have to endure sharing her time between her husband and her daughter. It was the reason why Bella moved to Forks in the first place, and it would be the reason she would never return. That, and the fact that she was in love with a vampire. Renee's easy concession led me to believe that though she would miss her daughter terribly, that Bella staying in Forks would fit in better with the life she was eking out with her new husband.
"No problem, Mom," Bella said, with a tinge of relief in her tone. "I won't be alone."
"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know," Renee said with pride.
"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that! You can sleep at home – I'll never notice."
"I was too nervous," Renee admitted sheepishly. "There's been some crime in the neighbourhood, and I don't like being there alone."
"Crime?" Bella asked in alarm. I loved her so much. Injured as she was she was always more concerned about the ones she loved than her own wellbeing.
"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground – there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?" she asked.
Oh, I remember when she was little and we used to walk there on a Saturday. Now it's all gone because of some horrible vandals! I'm so glad we don't live here anymore!
I was thankful that the subject of where Bella would be living seemed to be settled, Renee's thoughts now back to being skittish and childlike. I was more than relieved that the worst was over.
"I remember," she answered, shivering.
"I can stay, baby, if you need me," Renee offered. Oh Phil's going to call soon!
"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me."
Of course he will. I don't feel right about this, but what choice do I have?
"I'll be back tonight," she warned. You won't be spending the night alone with her now that she's awake, Edward Cullen!
"I love you, Mom," Bella said quickly as if she was trying to get rid of her. My desires began to spike within me as I realised how much I needed to be near her, and realised that Renee was not going to give me much time to do so.
"I love you too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."
Indeed. As much as her clumsiness was not the reason she was injured, I could not help but smile at her mother's statement. I could see why Bella cared for her so much, and imagined a young Charlie being enraptured by her personality, which seemed a polar opposite to his.
Let's see how the patient is doing. Realising that a nurse was on the approach to the room, I remained still and breathing, impatient to have my love in my arms once more. Would I ever get her alone again?
The door opened and the nurse bustled in, cueing Renee to leave. I heard her place a soft kiss placed on Bella's skin and walk out, lingering outside before her phone rang and she began to speak with Phil. She told him that Bella would not be returning with her, and that she would be arranging a flight home as soon as was possible to be with him. As her voice faded and joined in with the rabble of thoughts of the rest of those here, I realised, in no uncertain terms, how much Renee loved her new husband and understood why she pined for him. If I was away from Bella, I would be pining for her just the same.
Oh dear, that boy! Does he never leave the poor girl alone? He probably drove her poor mother away!
I lay there, my body aching to be near Bella, waiting impatiently for the nurse to finish checking her status as I heard the sound of paper rustling.
"Are you feeling anxious honey? Your heart rate got a little high there." I suppressed a smile, realising that the nurse was staring at the readouts from when I had kissed Bella.
"I'm fine," Bella assured her as the nurse walked to the end of the bed and stood next to me, checking the chart.
"I'll tell your RN you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute," she said as she shuffled towards the door. So don't get any funny ideas young man.
As if I was drowning and Bella was the only thing that could save me, I was by her side the second the door closed. I craved to be near her and the more I was away from her, the more the craving intensified. How was I to leave her now? This was an impossible situation.
I waited for my love to speak, and as was her way, the words that left her beautiful lips surprised me. "You stole a car?" she asked as she raised her eyebrows in disapproval.
"It was a good car, very fast," I replied, smiling, unrepentant, leaving out the fact that it wasn't the only car we had stolen.
"How was your nap?"
"Interesting," I replied as my eyes narrowed and the worry crept back in.
"What?" she asked, perceiving my distress as she so often did.
I looked down, unable to make eye contact with as I answered. "I'm surprised. I thought Florida...and your mother...well, I thought that's what you would want."
As I glanced at her beautiful eyes, she stared at me uncomprehendingly. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real vampire."
Her words opened up the opportunity to have the discussion that I had thus far tried to avoid. She had obviously missed my point, and though I tried to smile at her amusing statement, my expression became gravely serious as I prepared to explain exactly what I meant, the pain readying itself to tear through me, and in turn, through Bella. "I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it," I explained. "Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore." I held my breath and waited for what I said to sink in. She stared at me blankly, seemingly unable to absorb my words, the pain I was about to cause the woman I loved more than my life threatening to tear me apart piece by piece.
Then a look of realisation crossed her beautiful face, followed by distressing physical responses. Her heartbeat accelerated and her breaths came hard and fast, to the point of near hyperventilation. Her face contorted with pain...a pain that had nothing to do with her broken body, I feared. What had I done? I hadn't thought this through and now I had hurt her so deeply, so profoundly that I had no idea what to do. I had hurt her right when she was at her most vulnerable! I watched her face warily as the pain threatened to crush us both, and if I could cry, my eyes would be flooded at this moment as the pain and guilt marched relentlessly through my body. What a heel I was! The nurse was correct. I needed to be committed!
I heard another nurse approach, and hoped that her attendance would somehow distract Bella enough for her thumping heart to calm. I feared that, however, nothing was going to help. I was nothing but a selfish, inconsiderate fool for bringing this up now.
The door opened and the nurse walked purposefully into the room, the other nurse no doubt having briefed her on Bella's heart monitor reading.
"Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" she asked kindly as she tapped the IV, checking its contents and then glancing toward Bella.
"No, no," Bella mumbled. "I don't need anything." I sensed a hint of impatience and urgency in her voice, and I knew that Bella wanted to remain lucid for the rest of our conversation and be rid of the nurse as quickly as possible.
"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest." She waited for Bella to respond, but instead she just shook her head.
No wonder this young woman wants to stay awake! This young man is obviously distracting her too much...
"Okay," she sighed. "Hit the call button when you're ready."
She gave me a stern look, silently accusing me of preventing Bella from accepting some further medication and therefore recovering. She then glanced anxiously at the machinery, then turned on her rubber heels and left. I knew I had to make things right with Bella, and her thumping heart told me this in no uncertain terms.
The second the door closed my hands were on her glorious face, the electricity humming between us once more. She stared at me with wild eyes, her out of control emotions threatening to burst forth.
"Shhh, Bella, calm down," I murmured.
"Don't leave me," she begged in a broken voice, her pain filled face forcing my resolve to fade away.
The last vestiges of my resistance crumbled in an instant, and desire took over logic as her eyes begged me to stay. I could not deny her any longer, and as much as I was being selfish, I was also giving her what she needed. Wanted. Desired. What we both longed for more than anything, even though it was against our best interests, against every law known, against every rational thought.
"I won't," I promised, knowing that I was helpless to say anything else. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."
Her heart told me that she was still full of doubt as it thumped erratically.
I stroked her face anxiously. "Bella, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me."
"Do you swear you won't leave me?" she whispered, trying to control the gasping between each word.
I knew she needed further convincing, so I put my hands either side of her beautiful face and leaned my face in closer, staring at her with serious intent. "I swear," I said slowly, deliberately as my breath fanned across her face, soothing her. I continued to hold her gaze until I was satisfied that her breathing had slowed enough that it would be considered normal.
She took in my eyes and she wrinkled her brow, concern crossing her features. I realised that I had not hunted and she had silently acknowledged that fact. She never missed a thing.
"Better?" I asked.
"Yes," she said cautiously as her eyes searched mine.
I shook my head and muttered below my breath, "Your overreaction worries me so much Bella Swan! How could I have allowed you to become so dependent on me?" Then, I realised, that I was just as dependent on her. I could not exist in this world without being by her side. It would kill me, as it would her, I realised.
"Why did you say that?" she whispered, obviously having picked up on one or two of my words. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?" Oh for the love of...
She not only did not see herself clearly, but had this idealised version of me in her mind. "No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem saving you, either – if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger...that I'm the reason you're here."
"Yes, you are the reason," she agreed, frowning. "The reason I'm here – ALIVE."
"Barely," I refuted in a whisper. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move."
Then, she appeared to be growing irritated. "I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience. I was thinking of the others – you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I'd be rotting away in Forks cemetery." When would she see that if it weren't for me, the other near-death experiences would not have occurred either? Then, memories came flooding back of a few days back when I found it impossible to stop drinking of her. I winced at the memory of my near miss and the feelings that coursed through me, my heart darkening, crushing under its weight.
"That's not the worst part though," I whispered with regret, continuing with what I had said as if Bella had not spoken. "Not seeing you there on the floor...crumpled and broken," my voice choking under the weight of my trance-like words. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain – all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling...knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."
"But you didn't," she argued.
"I could have. So easily," I said, still trying to convince myself that leaving Bella was the right thing to do. I was like a plague on her life, relentless in its invasion, leaving nothing but disaster in my wake.
Her breaths became short and sharp at my statement, and I knew she was beginning to feel insecure, the panic threatening to overcome her once more.
"Promise me," she whispered unevenly.
"What?" I asked, knowing what she was asking of me. She wanted me to commit myself to her forever, even if it was the wrong thing to do. I could not commit myself to make her such a foolhardy promise. I loved her, there was no doubt about it...so much that if leaving her was the right thing to do, I would not hesitate.
"You know what," Bella said angrily.
As I stared at my love through narrowed eyes, I came to a disturbing conclusion. I realised I was weak. Too weak to fight her, but also too weak to make her any promises. I was, in a word, a coward. I had hoped that Renee would take the responsibility of deciding whether Bella would remain in my life or not. When that did not work, I agonised about what to do, only to eventually behave in my usual selfish way. And now? I had placed the two of us in this irreconcilable position, and it was all my fault.
"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way...whether it kills you or not," I added, my voice rough with frustration.
"Good," she replied, her eyes sparking in realisation as to the fact I had not promised her. Her panic appeared under control, but not her anger. "You told me how you stopped...now I want to know why," she demanded.
"Why?"
"WHY you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you," she said indignantly.
The shock of hearing her words shook me to the core. Alice! My interfering sister had once again informed Bella of something that I insisted she did not tell her, but she did so anyway. I knew that she had seen Bella as a vampire...but why did she insist on pushing her fate in that direction? Anger suddenly welled within me, my off-kilter emotions making my blood boil. My teeth clenched and my nostrils flared...I...was...INFURIATED!
Seemingly unperturbed by my angered reaction and realising that I was not going to give her an answer, Bella pressed on. "I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," she said, surprising me yet again. She always came out with the most unexpected things. "But it seems logical...a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal...as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other EQUALLY." Ah, my Bella. Always the logical thinker. Does she not realise that she has already saved me a thousand times over? Saved me from an existence devoid of love and happiness? Of pain and despair?
Of course it would have been so very simple to allow the venom to spread and for Bella to become like me, and therefore remain with me forever. That would have been the ultimate in selfish moves on my part, one that I could never forgive myself for committing, and though I had done many many selfish things thus far, I was not about to allow that scenario to come into play. Ever. The anger seemed to quell within me as I thought about my change and the suffering and loss of humanity that Bella would have had to endure if I had allowed the venom to spread, and a feeling of relief washed away the anger that I felt toward Alice.
I folded my arms on the edge of the bed and rested my chin on my arms. I had no right to be angry now, not with Bella anyway. "You HAVE saved me," I said with a quiet determination.
Ignoring my statement, she said, "I can't always be Lois Lane. I want to be Superman, too."
"You don't know what you're asking," I said softly, staring at the edge of the pillow, unable to look her in the eye.
"I think I do," she argued.
"Bella, you DON'T know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure."
Then, she surprised me yet again with a very difficult but logical question. "Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"
There was a time when I would have answered yes to Bella's question, but that was a long time ago. A time when I had rebelled against the wishes of Carlisle. A time when I left the family to find my own way. A time when I fed on the most abhorrent of humans, justifying my temporary madness by killing those who were about to kill others. A time that would haunt me for the rest of my existence.
"No I don't wish that," I replied, pausing at my thoughts of the past...of my very painful entry into the vampire world. Then, they turned to Bella, her life, her vitality and everything that she would have to leave behind if she were to become like me. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up," I argued.
"You ARE my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose," she said. Indeed. She had mirrored my exact thoughts, yet her statement disturbed me as well. I realised that she was so committed to me, that leaving her without it having a profound, long lasting effect on her would be near impossible now, as her leaving would be for me. I remained calm, and decisive. Bella was never going to change my mind on this matter.
"I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."
"Why not?" she asked in a raspy voice as though she was trying to be angry, but was unsuccessful. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was few days ago...anyway, after THAT, it should be nothing."
I glared at her, letting her know that I was not happy with her statement. She had no idea what she was asking. Obviously. "And the pain?" I asked, the temporary pain being the very least of the issues that would arise if Bella were to be changed.
She blanched, though at the same time tried to keep her expression even, as she no doubt recollected the pain that she experienced...pain that she would have to endure for three days.
"That's my problem," she justified. "I can handle it."
My body tensed in response to her statement. "It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity," I said.
"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."
I grimaced again, Bella more informed than I first thought, Alice in my sights as the anger tried to break free. Instead I kept a lid on my feelings, electing to remain calm and rational in light of what she was asking of me.
"Charlie?" I asked curtly. "Renee?"
Minutes passed in silence as I watched Bella struggle to answer my question. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out and she closed it again. I was relieved that her argument had come to a standstill, as I did not wish to go down this very precarious path. I waited, triumphant feelings surging through me as I realised that she could not find a true answer.
"Look, that's not an issue either," she finally muttered unconvincingly. "Renee has always made the choices that work for her – she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."
Without realising it, she had blown her entire argument out of the water. "Exactly," I snapped in response. "And I won't end it for you."
Like a dog with a bone, Bella would not let up. "If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"
"You're going to recover," I reminded her as her heart began to stutter.
She took a deep, calming breath, and stared at me, and I stared back just as intently. I was not going to budge on this issue, no matter her argument.
"No," she said slowly. "I'm not."
My forehead creased with her statement, the frustration peaking within me. "Of course you are. You may have a scar or two..."
"You're wrong," she insisted. "I'm going to die."
"Really, Bella," I said anxiously. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two weeks at most."
She glared at me. "I may not die now...but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get OLD."
And, there it was. Bella wanting me to give her immortality to prevent her from living a normal full human life. What had I done? Why had I pursued this? How could she not see what she was actually asking? I frowned as I processed what she had said, pressing my fingers to my temples and closing my eyes. "That's how it's supposed to happen. How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist – and I SHOULDN'T EXIST."
Bella snorted in response, causing me to open my eyes in surprise. "That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."
That analogy irritated me, and I growled, "I'm hardly a lottery prize."
"That's right," she agreed. "You're much better." Was this woman never going to see things as they were? Was she trying to drive me insane? I had reached the end of my tether regarding the matter, and would no longer discuss it. As much as I loved Bella Swan, I would never grant her this particular wish, and no matter her argument my position would never waver.
I rolled my eyes and set my lips. "Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."
Instead of agreeing, she continued on relentlessly. "If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well," she warned. "You're not the only vampire I know."
My heart lurched and her statement shot through me as if I had received a large dose of fear and pain. "Alice wouldn't dare," I seethed, my expression causing a brief flash of uncertainty to cross her beautiful face. I knew I had frightened her, and as much as I never wanted to, if that would make her see things clearly, then a good dose of fear may be just what the doctor ordered.
"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" she asked insightfully. Of course she would suspect that of Alice, and I had no doubt that even if Alice did not tell Bella of her visions in so many words, that Bella would ascertain certain things to be fact anyway, under the circumstances. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you...someday."
"She's wrong," I snapped. "She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen either." Not yet, anyway.
"You'll never catch ME betting against Alice," she stated, bristling in response.
We stared at each other for a very long time, the beeping and whirring of the machines the only thing to break the silence, the clock on the wall ticking by relentlessly, telling me I was running short of options. I realised that I was not going to get anywhere with her on this matter. I was positive she made that same realisation in regards to my position.
"So where does that leave us?" she wondered.
I chuckled humourlessly. "I believe it's called an IMPASSE."
She sighed heavily. "Ouch," she muttered in response, her pain bringing me back to the here and now, and inviting me to change the subject.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, eyeing the button for nurse.
"I'm fine," she replied unconvincingly.
"I don't believe you," I said gently, knowing that she was covering up her pain.
"I'm not going back to sleep," she said stubbornly.
"You need to rest. All this arguing isn't good for you."
"So give in," she said.
"Nice try," I said as I reached for the button.
"No!" she squeaked. I chose to ignore her protest, and though I felt her anger roll off her, I knew that she needed her rest. I needed her to recover, and to get back to her life as quickly as was humanly possible.
"Yes?" came a voice from the speaker on the wall.
"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I said calmly, ignoring Bella's furious expression.
"I'll send in a nurse," the bored voice said.
"I won't take it," Bella promised.
I looked up toward the bag of fluids hanging beside the bed and said, "I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."
Bella's heart rate started to climb as I looked at her once more, concerned. The fear was there, written all over her face, and I wanted more than anything to allay her negative feelings. "Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."
"I'm not afraid of the needles," she mumbled. "I'm afraid to close my eyes."
I smiled widely at her realising what she was actually saying. She did not want to be apart from me any more than I wanted to be apart from her. I took her heated face between my palms, my desire conquering the fear, frustration, anger and doubt, and said simply, "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."
And then for the first time since she had been in this hospital, her face broke into the most glorious of smiles, lighting up her eyes, and making my breath hitch. "You're talking about forever, you know." Her words stunned me for a moment, filling me with desire.
I chose to keep the moment light, rather than kiss her or argue on her interpretation of forever. I reluctantly released my grasp on her and said, "Oh you'll get over it – it's just a crush."
She shook her head in disbelief and said, "I was amazed Renee swallowed that one. I know YOU know better." Indeed I did. I would never tell Bella that Renee chose to believe her because it made the entire situation easier to deal with. It also made me realise that Bella was human, and prone to changing her mind, and thought it would break my heart if she were to ever fall out of love with me, I knew that it was more than probable that it could happen.
"That's the beautiful thing about being human," I said wistfully. "Things change."
Her eyes narrowed in challenge. "Don't hold your breath," she said as I heard approaching footfalls.
I could not help but burst into a fit of laughter at her inadvertent joke, when the nurse came in brandishing a syringe.
"Excuse me," she said brusquely to me, silencing my laughter.
I got up and strode over to the end of the small room and leaned against the wall. I folded my arms and waited while Bella kept her eyes on me, her expression still apprehensive. I met her gaze calmly, wishing that Jasper had been here throughout our entire conversation and knowing how much easier things would have been to handle.
That boy is giving me the creeps! He's so intense! I smiled inwardly at the nurse's understandable response to me.
"Here you go, honey." The nurse smiled as she injected the medicine into the tube. "You'll feel better now."
"Thanks," Bella mumbled unenthusiastically.
"That ought to do it," she muttered as Bella's eyelids drooped. I nodded towards her courteously as she turned and gave me a disapproving glare. She snorted to herself, quickly walked toward the door and left the room without a word.
I realised I didn't have much time before Bella would be sedated once more, and had no idea when she would wake. I was by her side in an instant once the door had closed, touching her beautiful face, wanting to touch so much more.
"Stay," she slurred.
"I will," I promised, her stupefied smile making me grin. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy...as long as it's what's best for you," I rephrased, hoping that she would not pick up my evolving promise.
Bella's head shook slightly as if she was struggling to break through the medication, but it was of no use. "S not the same thing," she mumbled incoherently.
I could not help but laugh in response. Even in a drug induced state, she did not miss a thing. "Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up."
"Kay," she said, her goofy smile disappearing under the haze of the medication.
I wanted her to know how I felt, and no matter how much we had argued today, one thing had not changed, nor would it ever.
I leaned in closer, putting my lips to the shell of her beautiful pink ear. "I love you," I whispered.
"Me too."
"I know," I said, laughing once more at her charming response.
She turned her head slightly, her lidded eyes searching for me. I knew what she wanted, and immediately gave her what I craved just as much as she did. I pressed my lips gently to hers, the searing heat and softness of them beyond compare as her scent surrounded me, comforted me. Then, a moment of clarity hit me like a bolt from the blue. So many things had changed in these last few days. Her scent, though still mouth-wateringly appealing, was resistible. I could handle being near her without wanting to kill her, and as more potent desires took over the thirst, it gave me the confidence to know that I would not, could not kill her. If ever I was going to do it, I would have done it in that ballet studio. That event had become a rite of passage for me...a test. And now that I had passed that test I knew one thing. Where there was life, there was hope. I continued to kiss her gently as I thought, wanting more than anything to take her in my arms and crush her lips to mine. That would have to wait, and my heart was suddenly filled with joy in the knowledge that I would have the opportunity to kiss my love beyond today.
As I reluctantly released my lips from hers, I made further realisations. I realised that I had not had to decide anything today. Bella had taken away any thoughts of other alternatives other than us staying together, and I had no way of resisting what she desired most, for it was the same thing I desired. I knew it was a risk to pursue things beyond today, but now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a risk worth taking.
What was life without love anyway? An empty, meaningless existence. Who was I to deprive Bella of love, especially after what she had gone through to preserve what she held most dear to her heart? What sort of man was I to assume that she would accept my leaving her and move on, or that my family would accept Bella being cast aside? Why was it always about what I saw as the right thing to do...the right thing in my mind doing nothing but condemning Bella, my family and myself to a lifetime of misery?
Bella Swan was my saviour, I realised. She had, after all, rescued me from an eternity of merely existing, and shown me a life that was worth fighting for. One that I would give my soul for, if only I had one to give. One that I would sacrifice everything to protect. And now, she had shown me that she was willing to fight to protect these things just as fiercely as I.
"Thanks," she whispered.
"Anytime," I replied, grinning in satisfaction, my realisations making me feel lighter than air, and leaving me to ponder for a better and brighter future.
"Edward," she said, struggling to say my name.
"Yes?"
"I'm betting on Alice," she said finally before her beautiful brown eyes fluttered closed and she finally succumbed to the medication, Bella taking my heart with her into her dreamless slumber.
A/N: Well, time is drawing near. Only the Epilogue to come...and I'm feeling all teary eyed! Show me the love by reviewing! I need cheering up! I'M SO SADDO! WAAAAAAAH!