Poets for this chapter are Emily Dickinson and Lord Byron.

For all those who keep asking, yes I'm writing a companion fic about Gray & Juvia. It's called Fighting Fate.

I do not own Fairy Tail

Chapter Twenty One - The Punishment Game

Part Eight - The Winner, The Lover & The Friend

It was like a scene out of a movie.

I stood on the front step, his roses in my hand, the lines of that poem floating around my head, the sky crying floods of tears and there he was, at the end of the drive, one hand raised to wave goodbye to me. The thunder rolled, a fork of lightning lit up the sky, illuminating everything as clear as day. I knew in that instant why Jellal was stood there.

So I wouldn't be upset watching him walk away.

I was meant to drop everything and run down the porch stairs. He'd ditch the umbrella and meet me halfway. We'd be hugging and kissing in the middle of the drive, not caring one bit about getting soaked by the rain. He'd tell me how much he loved me. I'd tell him I forgave him for everything. We'd both cry.

But this wasn't a movie.

This was my fucking life. So I stayed where I was. I needed to think about this. Like I'd been trying to every second since I'd first realised where Jellal was taking me. His parents grave. I couldn't even take it all in. This was serious stuff. Clearly, Jellal had no intention of giving up. He'd already mentioned taking me back with him next year. As his girlfriend. My heart twisted again. Mavis, what the hell was going on with me? I'd decided, made up my mind, but he was always the exception, always the one who managed to get under my skin when no one else could. I couldn't deny it. Jellal had rattled the chains around my heart today.

I raised a hand and waved, ever so slightly, back.

Erza had me constantly holding my breath. Hoping, wishing, praying for some kind of emotion from her. Anything but that monotonous voice or that uncomfortable silence or the deliberate, enforced friendship she seemed determined to mould our relationship into. I'd obviously surprised her today. To be honest, I'd kind of surprised myself. But she'd let me hold her, kiss her, she'd even waved goodbye to me. We weren't back together but, compared to this morning, my heart felt much lighter.

I left the dripping umbrella on the front porch and went back into what we affectionately called the library. It made the house sound much grander than it was but it contained all the books and photo albums that had belonged to my parents. It was a sweet moment of irony that I'd found Erza here this afternoon. That wasn't who was sitting there now.

"Ultear! I thought you weren't coming home until the weekend."

"I wouldn't miss your graduation," she said with a smile. Her hair looked damp, a towel slung around her neck testament to the fact that she'd probably come in the door only a short while before me. "Now, come over here. I've got something for you."

I crossed the room, expecting a hug and ended up in a headlock. Hadn't seen her in nearly two weeks and this was how she says hello. Typical. "What now?"

"What now? Meredy tells me everything. Didn't I tell you not to bring that horrible girl to my house?"

"I'm sorry! Honestly, you have no idea how much I regret that." Ultear ruffled my hair, more affectionate than rough, and I realised I'd missed her. "I'm glad you're back. It's been kind of crazy."

"So I hear," Ultear said, releasing me. She pinched my cheek, "That's for taking Millianna to prom and not Meredy. She's been moaning non-stop about that."

"Milliana is like my sister. Meredy basically is my sister. Subtle, but makes all the difference between acceptable last minute date and creepy last minute date." I rubbed my cheek, "Are you quite done abusing me? You've been home like five minutes."

"You shouldn't have needed a last minute date," she scolded me and then stood on tiptoe to kiss my other cheek, "And yes, I'm done abusing you. Make sure you bring Erza over for dinner soon and for goodness sake stop fighting. I hadn't been home five seconds and Meredy was screaming at me about that. Apparently you're dating her. Tell me something I didn't already know."

"Jell!" Meredy bounded into the room and threw her arms around both of us, squashing us all closer together. "Ul is home early!"

I laughed at her statement of the obvious and squeezed them back. There was nothing to tie the three of us together but still, we were a family.

"You sigh one more time," threatened Cana, "and I'm throwing all these flowers in the trash."

"I'm not sighing!" I was though. On the kitchen table rested four vases, forty roses. The house smelled wonderful with the scent of them. I couldn't stop looking at them. "They... they're beautiful," I ventured to say.

"Uh huh. I'm sure he spent a fortune on them too," Cana rolled her eyes, "I cannot believe, even you, the great Titania, is a softie for roses from a stupid boy."

"He is stupid... but it's kind of sweet. With his parents and everything," I hastened to add. The roses were wonderful yet what they stood for was more important and of course our trip today topped everything. Cana made a non-committal sound but I knew she thought it was sweet too. I couldn't resist reaching out to stroke one petal. A lifetime of promises Jellal had given me, with probably another 'twenty years' tomorrow.

"So you're forgiving him. Just like that. I should let Natsu and Gray know. The next time they have a fight and piss you off, all they have to do is buy a few flowers."

"Stop it Cana. This isn't about the damn flowers and we both know it."

It was her time to sigh, "Sorry. I don't want to see you hurt again Erza. I've never seen you so upset before. It was so unlike you. I really, honestly, think that you two need to back it down a bit. You can't keep crashing from one high to a low and back again. As a friend it's exhausting to watch; I can't imagine how it feels to actually be in a relationship like that."

It sucked. I hated it. I couldn't hate Jellal though. Even after everything that had happened. But I couldn't forget it either. "You're right. I'm tired of it too. I really want to be friends with Jellal but we can't be friends if he keeps doing things like this." I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart. My heart was rubbed raw with the events of the last few days. I'd never in my life thought of myself as fragile but I couldn't trust my heart to Jellal for fear of him breaking it. Again.

Fear. Now there was an alien emotion. I wasn't afraid of anything. I felt annoyed at myself for even thinking that way. He was just a stupid boy. No need to get all stressed over roses and poetry and the way he looked waving to me in the rain. I shook my head, trying to clear away all these thoughts. "I'm going back to the dorm once it stops raining. Can you help me carry these?"

"Woohoo!"

"Calm the fuck down, Natsu. You're giving me a headache and we just fucking got here."

"What the hell is wrong with you Gray?" Natsu took a small run and leaped onto a wooden bench, punching the air as he went, "This is the last time that we, as seniors, will ever get to hang out together and you're being a sulky ice queen."

It was the day before graduation and as per Fiore school tradition Ryuzetsu Land was reserved for all the graduating seniors. Our school was here, the Mermaid Heel girls were here, Lyon, who I hadn't seen in ages, was here with the rest of Lamia Scale, Quatro Cerebus was here. A whole load of people were here. It was going to be a busy, crazy, fun-filled day. For most people.

"We're going to the same fucking college!" Gray snapped.

I thought my love life was stressful but I guess the guilt of fucking Juvia was getting to him. I thought I should intervene before Natsu pushed anymore of his buttons but as usual, Erza was all over it. "Cool it Natsu, before I shut you up myself."

"You guys are no fun. Oi Lucy! Race you to the aquarium," he took off at a sprint. Lucy yelled a protest about the unfairness of his head start and ran off after him. Everyone was heading their different ways. To the water park. To the rollercoasters. To the food court. I hung back waiting to see where Erza would go.

It was a bizarre parody of the near future. We all started off at the gates together but within moments everyone was splitting up, going in different directions. Tomorrow, after so many years together, that would be us again. All going our separate ways from the moment we left the school gates for the last time. Except some of us were inseparable.

Jellal lingered at the edge of the group of girls I was standing with. Silently watching as we decided where we wanted to go first. It's all I have to bring today, This, and my heart beside, This, and my heart and all the fields, and all the meadows wide. Emily Dickinson, the arrow of choice to pierce my heart this morning with ten white roses making a contrast with all the red ones cluttering up my bedroom desk. It had caused quite a stir among the girls when they'd arrived. Everyone trying to guess who they were from and who they were for. Me standing there, all awkward, until I simply had to own up to it. I don't even know how Jellal knew I'd gone back to the dorms.

Levy nudged me playfully, "Lucy is with Natsu. Juvia is, for some unfathomable reason, still with Gray. I'm of course with Gajeel and your spending the day with our resident hopeless romantic. Fifty roses in three days. Damn. If I didn't know you guys only recently got together I'd think he was trying to get you to forgive him for something."

I forced a laugh. What the hell was I supposed to say? We're not together? He is trying to get me to forgive him? There will be ten more roses tonight so don't give up counting just yet? It'd been my idea to 'fake' a romantic relationship with Jellal and it was totally blowing up in my face. At the same time it was a good shield to avoid talking about what happened.

Wait. Avoiding things. That was nearly in the same category as 'fear'. What the hell was going on with me? Okay. That made up my mind. I wasn't going to treat today any different from any other. "Why don't we do the rollercoasters first, then after lunch we can do all the games and things. Water park last?"

I fell into step next to Erza and tried to gauge how she was feeling about me, about us. Things felt like normal between us. She talked to me, smiled and laughed but normal to us was being friends and that was so far from what I wanted us to be. I longed to pull her aside and have a proper conversation about us. Did she like the roses? The poems? Was taking her to my parents too much? She said I confused her...

Right now, she was screaming. Scarlet hair flying everywhere as we rushed around loops and twists and sharp drops. I tried to relax, tried to enjoy the day but my stomach was in knots. I needed some surety that we were back on track. The right track.

It was harder than I thought. Pretending that being so close to Jellal didn't affect me. I'd pulled it off for a whole month with, I could hardly call it success seeing how practically everyone had noticed the awkwardness between us, but I'd at least convinced myself it was a passable performance. Now, I had two conflicting emotions every time Jellal got too close. That tingling feeling was back. I couldn't help that. I'd thought it might die off but my heart betrayed me, thumping hard, if his body pressed against mine. At the same time I kept feeling little flashes of sadness and sometimes even anger at him. I had to keep catching myself before I blurted out something totally inappropriate to him in front of all our friends.

By lunch I was exhausted. Couldn't I have five minutes away from him and those brown eyes that were constantly on me? "Can you buy me something? Something sweet?" It was a cheap gimmick but it worked. Jellal went off, the dutiful rose buying 'boyfriend', to find me something sweet to eat. I sank down onto the wooden bench next to Juvia and laid my head down on the picnic table.

"Erza-san, are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine," I mumbled. I sat back up and gave her a look, "How are you?" I had to admit it would be a welcome break to think about someone else's life. I was becoming worryingly self-absorbed.

"Juvia is... okay today. Better than yesterday."

"Yesterday was universally horrible. Did you see all the rain and the storm?"

"Sorry," she said, which seemed odd to me. It's not like the bad weather was her fault. "Erza-san is so lucky," she added.

"Me?"

"Yeah. You and Jellal are so in love. It's wonderful."

"Oh." Is that how it looked to other people. Of course that's how it looked to other people. It's how we always looked.

"Why do you two always deny dating?" Juvia played with a carrot stick, creating swirling patterns in hummus I knew she made herself.

"Because we're not dating. We weren't dating," I was getting all confused with what tense to use to describe my relationship with Jellal. I don't know why I didn't simply admit it was over. I could tell him easily enough that we were only friends yet for some reason we both kept pushing this facade that everything was okay between us.

"You kind of are though. Were," Juvia looked confused at what tense to use too and we both laughed. "That was Juvia's first thought when Juvia moved here."

"What?"

"When Juvia saw you with Jellal on the first day of school. Juvia thought he was your boyfriend. Everyone denied it. You, Jellal, everybody! Juvia couldn't understand it but Juvia gets it now."

"Really?" I was curious about what she thought. Juvia wasn't as close to us as the people we'd been friends with for years. Maybe she saw something other people didn't.

"Hmm. Juvia and Gray-sama are friends. Juvia knows Gray-sama cares about her. Even if he doesn't say it or he doesn't want to date Juvia. Juvia is okay with that. Most of the time," she said with a small smile. "We've crossed the line now and Juvia doesn't really know what will happen next but there is no line with you and Jellal. Being friends and being lovers is the same thing. You've always been together without any labels on what you are or might be. Juvia is a little envious. Gray-sama doesn't want to be tied down to anyone. It freaks him out."

Being friends and being lovers is the same thing. Was it? Was the line between Jellal and I so thin as to be non-existant? Didn't we bounce back and forth across it all the time? Easily. Without a thought. No labels on what we were. We might not be literal lovers. We might have only had a semi-serious physical relationship for a few days. But for how long had we acted like lovers? I tried to put an actual date on the first time anyone had thought Jellal and I were a couple.

Years ago. Literally years. We might have been twelve. I had vague memories of being teased about it but it wasn't something that ever embarrassed us. That was the way things were. Are. Would always be. Was it even possible for the two of us to be 'just friends'?

It wasn't. That more than anything was where everything fell apart. There was no 'just' in any part of my relationship with Jellal. No 'just' friends. No 'just' a kiss. No 'just' a stupid photo. We were so tied up in each other to try to put any distance between us was a pointless task. No line, no labels. That would be nice if our two hearts beat as one but they didn't.

I felt a moment of despair. What was I meant to do now? How was I meant to cope with the fact that we'd never be free of each other? I'd always love him. He'd always love me. We'd be caught in this unhappy loop forever. "He cheated on me. He fucked his ex and lied about it. This weekend."

Juvia's mouth formed a perfect little circle and her eyes widened. I don't know why I blurted it out like that but now that the truth was out there I couldn't seem to stop. So I told her everything.

Erza was avoiding me. Strange to say but she somehow managed to be right next to me yet so far away. I could take the hint when she all but ordered me to leave her alone. Too much, too fast seemed to have extended from sex to standing a little too close to her. Her tolerance of me was on a downward spiral. Only so much time with me and no more. So I took my time, wandering past loads of little places selling chocolate and cotton candy. A few times this morning Erza had looked like she wanted to tell me something but held back. It was probably all our friends. My plan for this afternoon was to steal her away. I wanted to talk to her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something she might like. I wondered if she would take it the wrong way but brought it anyway.

Juvia listened quietly. Prom night was a drop in the bucket compared to Monday so I skimmed over most of that and got straight to the heart of the matter. Juvia blinked a few times, "So you don't actually know if he slept with this other girl or not."

"No, not really. He says he didn't."

"Has he lied to you before?"

I shook my head. We didn't lie to each other. Before.

"So why don't you believe him?"

"Because, if you saw the photo, you'd know. It's bad. Really bad." I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could undo seeing that image. It appeared behind my eyelids anyway.

"But it's still a photo. If he said that's all that happened shouldn't you trust him?"

I didn't have an answer to that. When I opened my eyes, Juvia was gazing past me with a faraway look on her face, "Thinking about Juvia's love rivals makes Juvia angry. Thinking about all the girls Gray-sama has been with makes Juvia very angry but Juvia does not think about them anymore. Gray-sama is with Juvia now. And that is all that matters because that's the way it's going to stay. If Juvia let every girl Gray-sama slept with or flirted with this past year get Juvia down, Juvia would have given up months ago and Juvia wouldn't have Gray-sama now." She laughed, "Gomen, that's a lie. There's nothing Gray-sama could do to make Juvia stop loving him."

Is there anything this boy can do to make you hate him?

No.

I'd been so sure when I'd given Cana that answer less than a week ago. As sure as Juvia was now. She'd dealt with her unrequited love from the moment she'd moved to Magnolia. The entire school year. Her love for Gray had been an instant, first sight type of thing but it'd stood the test of time and we all knew how Gray whored himself around. "How," I hesitated but then went ahead, "How can you stand it?"

Juvia didn't need any clarification about what I was asking, "There are dozens of girls out there who could appear at any moment with some story or some photo of Gray-sama. Everyone has a past. Some people more than others. There are things about me..." She trailed off and looked so sad I was sorry for asking. It occurred me that I knew nothing much about Juvia's life prior to her moving to Magnolia except for the fact that she'd come from a rough school. I watched her shrug off the weight of the memories and continue, "The point is, we all have a choice. Juvia chooses to not hold Gray-sama's past against him because right now is right now and whatever was, is done. He won't cheat on me. If Gray-sama wants to end it, he will but we both know the rules and what we have and don't have. It's not exactly what Juvia wants but it's a start. No matter what happened last weekend, Jellal made a choice and it wasn't that girl. It was you, Erza-san. He chose you. Don't you think that should count for something?"

When I sat down next to Erza, she wore an expression I found impossible to read. I couldn't resist wrapping an arm around her shoulders. I wanted to ask her if she was okay but she flinched away from my touch and I ended up apologising instead. No matter how many times I told myself that things had changed my body wouldn't get the memo. She wasn't mine to touch. Yet.

"I found some ice cream and, on the way back, Gray " I said, trying to pretend like I hadn't noticed her reaction to me. For her part, Erza didn't bat an eye at the ice cream. Guess that fantasy was well and truly dead.

"Gray-sama, Juvia made a bento."

Gray looked like that was the worst thing a girl had ever said to him and from his point of view maybe it was. I think he was allergic to serious relationships. "For everyone," Juvia added and he visibly relaxed. We could have put a sign up. Seating Reserved For Dysfunctional Couples. Lunch was saved by the appearance of Gajeel and Levy who most definitely didn't qualify for this table but sat with us anyway. Levy was hauling around a huge stuffed teddy bear Gajeel had won for her at one of the games which made it so much easier for me to suggest heading over there with Erza later.

She hesitated for a moment when she realised we were essentially alone. I didn't move or say anything. Waited for her to make up her mind if she wanted to continue down this path with me or not. As if on cue a group of guys I didn't know rushed past us. We weren't going to ever be truly alone in a place like this. The moment of tension was broken and we were walking next to each other again.

"Erza..."

"Yes?"

"Is everything okay?"

She gave me a sidelong glance and I realised how stupid a question like that was. "Sorry, can I start again?"

She shrugged. So we were back to the silent treatment. At least she didn't seem quite so broken. We wandered through a section of carnival games in silence. "Did you like the white roses?"

A tiny smile, "All the roses are beautiful. You don't have to keep buying them though. I think one bunch was sufficient."

Sufficient. She obviously wasn't getting the point of them. "I think we've still got a few decades left."

"Not counting the first ten, I've got forty plus seventeen which is fifty-seven. I assume I'm getting ten more tonight which will make sixty-seven. It's wishful thinking for you to give me any more than three more bouquets after that. We won't live forever."

"I'll love you forever." The words were easy to say. None the less they were genuine.

She sighed, "Apparently so."

I didn't want that thought to be so depressing to her. This whole conversation felt like an uphill battle. "Shall we play a game?"

Erza looked morosely down the various stalls, "Whatever."

I wanted to get away from him. Desperately. I was so tangled up inside. What I felt, what I thought, it was all too complicated. My conversation with Juvia had only made things worse. Why couldn't I think when Jellal was around?

What about this one?" Jellal was asking me. I looked at the brightly coloured stall. Goldfish scooping. How many years since we'd last done that? Before I could answer, Jellal was handing over the money for two of the flimsy paper scoops. I accepted the scoop and a bowl, and knelt in front of the tub full of tiny goldfish. Tried to ignore Jellal's presence so close to my side. The memories of a dozen different festivals came rushing back to me. So many times we'd been right here, side by side, chasing some elusive fish that would probably die within a week. I don't know why we bothered but we always did. I felt a pang of nostalgia for the children we used to be. Everything had been so much simpler back then.

Erza had never played this game very well for one basic reason. She attacked it head on, like any other problem she came across in life, which of course meant the fragile scoop broke within seconds. "Let me help you," I gave her my scoop and placed my hand over hers. "You have to be slow and gentle or it will break again. Which one do you want?"

"You want me to choose one?"

"Yeah, whichever one you want and I'll help you get it."

All at once her face went from passive and stony to something much closer to tearful, "Did you choose me? Over her?"

Jellal didn't say anything for a long heartbeat. All I could focus on was his hand guiding mine, steady and confident, easily catching two goldfish in one expert flip of his wrist. He'd always been much better at this than me. Jellal took the bowl from me and handed it to the vendor to bag our prize. We stayed crouched where we were and I finally risked looking Jellal in the face. His expression was serious, "No. I didn't."

I stood up sharply. Well there was Juvia's theory out the window. I felt a sharp twinge of pain. Why had I been so hopeful that he had? Stupid, silly girl. It didn't matter. It was over. I was done. Spending time with Jellal was a complete waste of time and borderline torture for me. "Erza..." He was still kneeling at my feet.

"What?" I hated the way my voice sounded. I hated more how direct he'd been with his answer. So much for his supposedly love for me.

"Look at me." Soft and quiet but it was a demand, not a question. I took a deep breath, steadied my nerves and looked down at him. Let him do his worse, I could take it.

Jellal waited until our eyes were locked, "There was no choice. There was only you, only ever you."

Mavis, help me...

It started with that one question. The single pebble that created ripples across the whole pond. We moved from game to game, mostly in silence, but every now and again she'd throw a question at me. I answered as honestly as I could, not with what I thought she wanted to hear, but what I truly felt.

Did I think there was a line between us? Only when we put one there.

How long had I really loved her? All she had to do was count the first ten roses to know.

What happened to the photo? Deleted. Within minutes of her leaving my house.

I told her she could check if she wanted to but Erza only shook her head and said she was done going through other people's phones searching for things she didn't want to find. I couldn't decide if that was a sign of trust or quite the opposite. We talked about our parents for the longest time and the afternoon slipped away from us, taking with it so many of the heavy burdens between us, one answered question at a time.

"Why did you lie to me?" Of everything I'd asked Jellal today, this question had to be the most important one. Across the pool from us Lucy and Natsu were involved in a fierce water fight successfully drowning out any chance for someone to overhear our conversation.

"I didn't want to hurt you, Erza. I know that's a terrible excuse but it's the truth. After everything we'd been through, you were so close to slipping away from me because of that misleading voice message. I could see it in your face. You wanted to run away from me and never look back. I should have told you what happened but I panicked because I couldn't let you go. In the end I only hurt you ten times worse and pushed you further away from me. I'm such an idiot. I still can't believe I did that." Jellal looked anguished at the thought.

There was nothing I could say that wouldn't come off as a false platitude. I couldn't say 'it's okay' because it wasn't. Maybe it never would be. That had been a definitive moment in our relationship that couldn't be undone or easily forgotten. Thinking about it today when the emotions weren't so overwhelming, I couldn't see how Jellal could have told me about Sayla without me reacting in a similar way. He'd fucked up. That's all there was to it.

I didn't hold my breath waiting for any forgiveness. That would take much longer than one afternoon. I could wait. A lifetime, if that's what it took, although I hoped it wouldn't be quite that long. The sun was going down over the park and the water was starting to get cold. "Can I take you one more place?"

"Sure."

I got out first, extending a hand to help Erza out, "We'll have to hurry or we'll miss it." I used a little more effort than was strictly necessary and Erza stumbled into me, her free hand landing on my chest. Automatically I wrapped my arms around her, to steady her. A mistake. Didn't I know I couldn't be this close to Erza without wanting to kiss her?

I felt him drawing me closer, gathering me into his arms. It took me a few seconds to react because I wasn't sure what I wanted. My heart was thumping, that tingling feeling had erupted into a buzz of tangible excitement, fluttering like a million butterflies in my stomach. I forced the physical reaction down. Our mutual attraction was a force onto itself that needed to be harnessed and controlled, not given into every five seconds. I tensed my arms, just a bit and Jellal backed away from me. "Sorry, I really need to stop doing that," he said, handing my towel to me. "Can you get changed fast? I'll meet you on the other side."

He told me to hurry but I took a few minutes in the changing room to steady myself. Slowly, one little piece at a time, Jellal was chipping away at the armour around my heart. It felt strangely inevitable. Like trying to stop the returning tide from washing away a castle built upon the sand. I kept throwing up more walls, digging deeper trenches but the sweetness and the honesty of his affection for me was wearing me down.

Outside, we seemed to be going in the opposite direction of most people. In the end Jellal took my hand and pulled me along, almost at a run. When we arrived at the ride, we were the only ones there. I looked up, the lights were beginning to flicker on around the inner rim, out along the spokes and around the outer rim, "The Ferris wheel?"

I ushered her into the gently swaying passenger car, carefully arranging our bags in the corner, our newly acquired goldfish swimming circles in their little plastic bag on the top of the pile. "We're just in time."

"For what?"

"You'll see," I stretched out on the seat opposite Erza. There wasn't a great amount of room and our knees bumped against each others. I was feeling kind of jittery. Apparently I had a limit on the amount of time I could spend with Erza too, albeit for a completely different reason. I wanted to touch her so bad.

Erza twisted away from me, looking out over the back of her seat as the ground fell away from us. "Too bad it's getting dark or we'd be able to see the whole park," she said. I held my breath, waiting for it.

"Oh wow," I breathed, pressing my hands against the glass. The whole park lit up, all the lights coming on in a rush of colour. The rollercoasters blazing red and white, the tea cups swirling blue and green, the bumper cars a psychedelic rainbow mix compared to the relative calm of the golden carousel, spots of darkness for the haunted house and the ghost train ride. From up here it looked... "It's beautiful, Jell."

"Yes, you really are."

I bit my lip, not daring to turn around. He'd be watching me. That look on his face that said he thought the world revolved around me. I could not deal with that right now. Not feeling the way I did. As if any moment my castle of sand would crumble to pieces, my armour would fall apart and I'd tumble into his arms, completely defeated by him.

"The stars are coming out," he said and I tilted my head back but we weren't at the top of the ride yet and the view was partially obscured by the car above us. Jellal shifted restlessly behind me and the car swung in a slow rocking motion. The atmosphere felt weird between us, charged with some kind of energy that made me wish I wasn't trapped up here with him. We needed space and there was none to be found.

I couldn't stand it. I reached out and caught one of the empty belt loops on the back of her shorts, pulled her backwards onto my lap. The only saving grace that had kept me from doing this much sooner today was that these weren't the same shorts that had so entranced me that day at Mira's party. This girl had no fucking idea how attracted I was to her. All day, trying to fight these feelings, trying to keep my emotions in check. Trying to pretend it didn't hurt like hell when she pulled away from me. I didn't want Erza to think that I was only interested in her body. I wanted Erza to forgive me, I wanted her to trust me again, I wanted her to fall back in love with me and be my girlfriend. Yet, the physical distance between us was crippling. I squeezed her tightly, kissed her neck, "Can I hold you for a minute. Just a minute, Erza please."

In this tiny space it was impossible to get away from Jellal. He wrapped me up in his warmth. I tried not to give in to it but some part of me ached for him. We reached the top of the Ferris wheel and the stars glowed above us, brighter and more beautiful than the scene below us. Jellal kissed my ear, then my cheek. Pressure on my hip spun me around on his lap and I knew where this was heading and I could have stopped him but I didn't.

The kiss was sweet and gentle. Jellal's hands roamed over my sides before fisting into the fabric of my shirt, almost as if to stop himself from touching me anymore than he already had. The sparks were still there, that buzzing becoming an intense roar, but there were the unfortunate memories to deal with as well. I pulled away from him, "Did you kiss her like this?"

"No, Erza. Never. Not even when I was dating her did I feel like this about her. I've never kissed any one the way I kiss you. You're special. I promise you I did not sleep with that girl. I did not kiss her. Please believe me."

He seemed sincere enough. "Then why does the photo look like that? You look like... like you really want to be with her." It bothered me a lot. That look he wore in that horrible picture. I searched his face now, searching for some kind of tell that would reveal another lie.

"This is going to seem so hard to believe and you might hate me even more for saying this but I promised you the truth. I was thinking about you," Jellal heaved a heavy sigh and his hands skimmed my thighs. "You, in those damn shorts and my varsity jacket. I was with her, thinking about you. She was so pissed off at me because she can't hold a candle to you Erza. No one can."

What a horrible admission to make to a girl. I really was the very worst kind of boyfriend. I leaned forward and laid my head on Erza's shoulder. "Sorry," I mumbled. All I'd done this week was apologise to her. I doubted it would be enough. I felt overwhelmed with all the things going on between us. Disappointed with my own lack of self-control. Why was I such a colossal fuck up?

"You were thinking about me," Erza repeated slowly.

"Yeah. I know. It's terrible." I leaned back, let my arms fall away from her. I glanced outside. We were almost back to the ground. "You probably don't want to see me right now. Do you want to go home with your friends? I'd still like to walk you to school tomorrow." And then because I couldn't help it, I went ahead and asked, "You hate me, don't you?"

So much self-loathing was in his voice, "I don't hate you, Jell." I couldn't really decide what I thought about Jellal's answer. If I believed him then that look was meant for me, the whole thing really was staged to get me to give up my foolish punishment game and he hadn't slept with Sayla. The door to the car opened and Jellal practically dumped me off his lap in his haste to get away from me.

"Wait. I want you to walk me home." I wasn't done with him yet. This new thought was whirling around in my head and in a complete 180 of opinion I found I actually wanted to spend more time with Jellal.

Jellal slung his bag over his shoulder, "Are you sure?"

"Yes. You can carry our fish." That got a tiny smile from him. Leaving the Ferris wheel was a lot easier than getting there. We joined the steady flow of students leaving the park. All around us was light and exuberance. It felt like we were in a separate, more sombre bubble from everyone else. How long until it burst, I didn't know.

Jellal was quiet and withdrawn, borderline depressed by his own admissions to me. I was still mulling it over. We couldn't be friends. Going by the chemistry that still simmered nearly uncontrollably between us we seemed destined to be lovers at some point in the future. Was Juvia right? Should we forget the labels, ignore the lines, be whatever it was that we were. "What would you call us?"

"A mess," was his instant reply.

"I think that's a given," I said and we both managed to laugh a little. It wasn't the answer I thought I might get but it neatly summed us up. Not friends. Not lovers. A confusing, convoluted mess. We started the long climb up the hill to the dorm and true to form ten roses graced the front steps. In the darkness, the ivory white of the petals gleamed. I tried to read the inscription but it was too dark. "What does it say?"

We stood in silence for a moment. I'd been kind of moody on the walk home and that was hardly the way to win a girl over. Having crossed every other boundary today I figured one more couldn't hurt, if she allowed it. I closed the distance between us and handed her the goldfish. Erza's hands were full now, juggling that along with the flowers and her keys. I took her by the shoulders and she tilted her head back. It surprised me a little, how willing she was to accept a goodnight kiss from me. Despite how I felt about myself, maybe we'd made a little bit of progress today. I took my time, let the kiss linger.

Another meaningful kiss. I let myself sink into this one. That picture still popped into my mind but with a slightly different spin on it now. Maybe it wasn't how it seemed. "What does it say?" I asked again when we finally pulled apart. I wanted to hear him say the words. Jellal cupped the back of my neck and rested his forehead against mine, his voice a low whisper "She walks in beauty, like the night, Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright, Meet in her aspect and her eyes." He released me, hands skimming, probably unconsciously, over my curves before he made his way down the front steps, shoving his hands into his pockets as he went, "Goodnight, sleep tight, Erza."

"Bye," was all that I could manage, still reeling from the heartfelt words, so beautiful in their own right but extra special coming from Jellal. The front door opened and I turned around to see a most disapproving Cana.

"I knew it," she said.

"What?" I shrugged and brushed past her. She was going to bitch and moan at me about Jellal. Again.

"You're like a drug addict for that boy. I can't even watch anymore."

"You don't understand," I protested weakly.

"Oh I get it. Roses and pretty words and 'but I love him' excuses. I am not picking up the pieces again. Okay? I'm not. How many times do you need to be knocked down before you realise this isn't going to work?" She was following me up the stairs, her voice low but her anger obvious.

"Maybe..."

"There are no 'maybe's Erza! I know you're use to having the upper hand and being in charge and running your life and damn near everybody else's like a well oiled machine but you can't win this one. He will tear down all your defences, wrap your heart around his little finger and own you, body and soul, before you even know it."

As much as I was loath to admit it, Cana was right.

Jellal and I had stood toe to toe, played every round and laid it all out there. At the end of this game there could only be one winner and in the final innings the odds were not in my favour. I wrangled my bedroom door open, edged my way inside and closed it with a hasty 'goodnight' to Cana. The roses spilled over my table and it took some careful rearranging to get the latest bunch to fit on. Goodness knows where I'd find space for a fish bowl.

I tumbled into bed. From under my pillow I pulled a stack of paper. My confession letter followed by all the cards that had accompanied the flowers. Adding the latest one to the pile, I frowned. It didn't say what Jellal had told me. Byron's poem was there, transcribed in all its timeless beauty but there was more written beneath it.

I know being together is hard, but being apart is so much worse. Us being together is light and darkness and pain and love and every emotion I'll ever feel crammed into a single heartbeat that grows louder and louder until it explodes and I am left half stunned with the glory of loving you. But being apart from you is nothing. An endless void where there is no me, because there is no you, and what remains is worthless. Please, Erza, don't leave me here in this emptiness.

I had thought that I had no more left. Not a single drop remaining for Jellal but as the solitary tear slid down my cheek the truth hit me hard and fast.

The game was over.