The Protector
Chapter 21
EPOV
Dinner that evening was… tiring.
Physically and mentally exhausted from the afternoon's conversation with Mother, I was, at the end of our conversation, just sitting there – raw and drained. Too many revelations, too many startling surprises… and far too many secrets laid bare for me to absorb and understand, in so short a time.
I also knew there were more things I had not been told; even more details I had not yet grasped.
And, to tell the truth, my own reactions to the history Mother had shared were almost as bewildering to me as the things she had revealed.
Of course, I was at once relieved that I finally knew the real story behind the Thaay, the founding of our valley, and the Protector program.
But, at the same time, I was also angry. So angry that I could feel myself almost seething with it.
Angry that I felt as though my whole life had been a lie – a manipulation to fulfill a bargain made long ago by people I had only learned about today.
Angry that I felt as though I was still being controlled and pushed in a direction that I didn't understand – all because of the many details that no one had yet bothered to share with me.
And, finally, I was also angry at myself.
My logical mind acknowledged the genius of the Protector program. I understood the danger I could have posed – or someone like me could have been – if, while growing up, I had realized my abilities to assert my will over other people; if I had not had the training to control those desires. Thus, my frustration with myself over my anger at feeling used – all the while comprehending, full well, the how and the why it had been done. The military-trained part of me accepted the necessity; the personal part of me felt manipulated, kept in the dark… and a slow-burning, humiliating shame at being betrayed.
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The dining room had been full of people, humming with the low din of conversation, when Mother and I entered; but as soon as we were spotted, the room suddenly quieted. It was apparent that everyone knew who I was. But I did not know them; and, for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by a roomful of strangers. It was an uncomfortable and disconcerting feeling.
My family sat at the same table we had used for the afternoon meal. It was located along one edge of the large room, part of the general grouping of tables; yet, at the same time, still slightly separated from the rest. It accurately reflected my feelings about being here.
We were part of this group – or, at least, my Mother and Father and siblings seemed to be; but we were also the outsiders, the strangers. I wondered what the people here thought about us, what name had been used to refer to our valley and population. Had they grown up thinking of us as something to be avoided, as we had them? Were we all regarded as descendants of a mutated tyrant? Their ancestors had obviously feared our group. Had we become their Thaay?
The chair between Bella and Alice had been kept empty. Bella hesitantly smiled at me as I sat down, searching my face for any trace of the emotions she must have realized I would be feeling. I knew she was worried, and I knew she understood how the afternoon's revelations would have affected me.
The connection we shared pulled and tugged at me. I wanted to wrap her in my arms, and rest my head on her shoulder. I wanted to breathe the sweet scent of her skin, and run my fingers through her hair. I wanted to forget everything except the way she felt in my embrace.
"Are you alright?" she had whispered, while taking my hand in hers. The gesture was comforting and reassuring, and I smiled to let her know I was at least trying to deal with the situation.
Talk and laughter swirled around me during the meal. From time to time, Bella would continue to touch me: a squeeze of my hand… a light graze of my arm… a pat on my thigh. It was soothing to be touched by her, to be surrounded by their voices; but as the evening wore on, I found myself growing increasingly quieter, and even more withdrawn.
As much as I tried to, it was difficult to engage in their conversations when my mind was still reeling from the information shared this afternoon.
Eventually, even Alice's efforts to tease me into a light-hearted argument were met with short, gruff answers – or my silence. Several times, I noticed both Bella and my Mother watching me closely, along with a few worried glances from my Father; but I chose to ignore them all. Or, at least, pretend to.
Jasper and Mary Alice sat across the table from me. Observing the two of them, so clearly captivated by each other, reminded me of Emmett and Rose. I wondered how Emmett was; if he was worried about me, or if he believed that I had perished in the Wastelands.
Perhaps Hunter would tell him that I had survived. It was clear to me that Mother had some way of staying in contact both with the people here, and with the others – probably Hunter – in our valley. How this could be done, I had no idea; I also had no idea how she could travel so quickly between our valley and this settlement. I filed these thoughts away as one more thing I needed to ask.
It seemed apparent that besides my small family, everyone else in the room must be from Korinth, or from one of the other cities; or maybe they had grown up here. It was also possible, I guess, that they could be from the space station. Mother hadn't mentioned if there were still people living there. That was another thing I wanted to know.
As I watched the people in the room, I realized that there was something different about them, something 'other' that I couldn't quite figure out. I wondered, briefly, if I were still thinking in terms of 'we' and 'they'; but I didn't think, nor did I want to believe, that I was. From the bits of conversation I could hear, we seemed to speak the same language… if, perhaps, with a different accent or inflection. The men were all about the same height, as were the women. No one seemed to be out of the ordinary or unusual.
While I sat there watching and considering, I heard Mary Alice laugh at something Jasper had said. I turned my gaze back to our table, and was met by Jared's hesitant smile. As I stared at him, I realized that I had missed something so obvious, so simple – but so completely foreign to what I was used to, that my mind just hadn't processed the difference.
Jared's eyes were blue! Mary Alice's eyes were also blue, and they both had almost black hair. This time when I searched the room, I found blue eyes, and brown eyes, and some that were almost black. I saw dark brown hair, black hair, yellow hair, and all the shades in between; but no one had red hair. Light red, or dark red, or brownish red, my family were the only people with red hair, and the only ones with green eyes. Everyone I had ever seen in my life had eyes some shade of green, and hair some shade of red.
Here was the proof of our common ancestor: everyone I had ever known was descended from Avaro.
No wonder they had had been afraid of us; no wonder they had wanted to keep us in our valley. Why were we here now, though? What had changed for them to allow us to join them? And why would they choose my Mother, a direct descendant of Avaro, to be their leader? I added those questions to my already long mental list of details I was determined to learn.
Thinking of all the questions I still wanted answered reminded me of the archives room I had been shown. The tall shelves, packed with the accumulated knowledge of generations of people who had lived before me, beckoned with secrets just waiting to be revealed. Studying the journals, maps and books in our valley's small archives had been such an important and satisfying part of my Ranger training. I wondered how my personal life, and the lives of my fellow Protectors, might have differed if we had access to the real histories and information waiting here. Could we have found a way to channel our abilities for the betterment of our people, without the rigid control of the Protector training?
I wasn't sure how many years had actually passed since Elizabeth and Ares had established our safe haven. But I did have to consider that over time, the safeguards and programs they designed and put in place could have changed, could have been slowly twisted into the form they took today. The fact that we still clung to the myth of the Thaay forced me to at least contemplate that this could be true. If we shared the real truths with our fellow citizens, could we change our society for the better? Was this the way I was going to 'save' my people, and help them start the new life that Mother kept hinting about?
The questions, the uncertainties, the doubts – all raised by one afternoon's revelations – are suddenly just too overwhelming. Even though the room is lovely, warm and inviting… complete with the sound of restful, trickling water… I can no longer find solace in its beauty. The aroma of the delicious food that was served for dinner… the laughter and talk of the people surrounding me… are no longer comforting. Light from the setting sun, entering through the overhead dome and casting its warm glow over the entire space, no longer helps lift my weary spirit. I'm tired, my hand is throbbing, and I'm ready for this very long day to just be over. All I want right now – all I crave, right now – is a quiet room, a comfortable bed, and the promise of deep, dreamless sleep.
"Jasper… ?" My inquiry startles everyone at the table – and conversation ceases, as they turn to me in surprise.
My brother's eyes widen when I ask him to show me to my room. "Of course," he answers, as he stands. "Do you want to go now?"
Answering in the affirmative, I turn to Mother and Father – explaining my fatigue, and asking to be excused. As I stand, I catch sight of Bella's face. It's filled with confusion and hurt; hurt – I now realize – I've caused by ignoring her most of the night, and asking for Jasper's help instead of hers.
"Bella… " I stutter, trying to explain myself. "I didn't think… I mean, I didn't know if it would be considered appropriate for you to… you know." I wave my hands around, gesturing towards the hallways, ineffectively trying to indicate what I'm having such a difficult time saying.
"It's alright, Edward." She glances at Jasper, then back at me again with a smile. "I imagine you have a lot of things you would like to discuss with your brother. I'll see you tomorrow."
Nodding, I briefly touch her shoulder – and wish her and the rest of the table a good night, before following Jasper out of the room.
Jasper leads me to the yellow hallway that I was in earlier today, explaining that it is the only one that is not completely underground, and that most of the rooms have some type of a window. "Not being able to see outside can take a bit of getting used to when you've spent so much time outdoors," he adds. "That's why most new people are given quarters in this hall."
The door he opens at the end of the hallway leads to a room much like the one I had at home. It's larger and more colorful, though, with blue painted walls and striped, white and blue linens on the large corner bed. Two wooden chairs flank a small table in the opposite corner, and a large, soft rug covers most of the stone floor. A row of narrow windows tops two of the walls, allowing warm light from the setting sun to filter in. Pegs on one wall hold my weapons, and I'm surprised and pleased to see they have been cleaned and cared for.
There is a small bedside table, but no candles or flint. Instead, he tells me that the object sitting on top is called a lamp; and then he shows me how to turn it on and off, after explaining that it also uses electricity to make light – just like the globes that illuminate the hallways. Jasper opens the drawers that make up a small chest, showing me several changes of day clothes and sleepwear that have been provided for me. The bottom drawer holds my Ranger gear; and it, too, has been cleaned and repaired.
The only other door in the room leads to a large bathing room, which contains a water toilet, cleaning basin and a shower with the same type of soaking tub under it that I've learned to appreciate in my barracks room at home. Jasper chuckles when he hears my sigh of pleasure as soon as I spot it.
He laughs even harder when I tell him about the hours I spent soaking my tired muscles after enduring a day of Hunter's training. We spend the next few minutes reminiscing about Hunter and his training methods, his gruff exterior, and his practical jokes. Apparently, he was reliably fond of having his new Rangers dress in their very tight, and very revealing, knitted thermals; not only did Jasper and I both suffer the indignity, but he had also tricked Liam into wearing them to the mess hall, too.
There is a quiet moment when we've finished laughing, both of us thinking of Liam and of Hunter.
"Does he know I'm here? Does he know I'm alright?"
"Yes," Jasper admits. "He's been kept informed about your journey and your progress."
"So he knows about the Fanger bite?" My question sets off another round of chuckles from Jasper.
"Oh, yeah," he smirks. "He made some very colorful comments about 'stupid, incompetent Rangers, who should never be allowed to leave the valley until they learn to look where they're putting their hands.' But, it's good, man," Jasper continues. "He's really glad you're okay."
We're quiet again as we both shift uncomfortably, knowing there is so much we need to say to each other… but neither one knowing how to start the conversation.
"You know what the best thing is about those tubs?" Jasper asks, suddenly breaking our silence.
"Uh, no?"
He chuckles at my confused reply. "Well, they're big enough for two people; and let me tell you, brother – bathing is a lot more fun with someone else in the tub with you."
"What… ?" His words have left me completely bewildered, and I frown at him, trying to understand why he would want to clean himself with someone else in the tub… and who could possibly want to bathe with him. "Why would you want to bathe with someone else? And who would want to do that with you?" The idea seems disgusting, and I can't hide the disapproval in my voice. Sharing a shower room with my cohort was a normal, everyday occurrence, and one I never questioned; but relaxing in a large tub of water with one of my fellow cadets, while we washed the sweat and grime from our bodies, just seems perplexing to me.
He's doubled over laughing now, gasping for breath as he smirks up at me.
"I don't understand what is so funny," I frown. "That just seems so… " I look down at the tub, imagining it full of water – and someone else in there with me, trying to wash their naked… "Oh… " I manage to say, while my mind now pictures glimpses of wet skin flushed with heat from the warm water… of soapy hands washing newly uncovered body parts… and of soft towels used to pat dry someone else's… "Oh!"
Jasper grins at me when I finally look at him again. "Asshole," I mutter, smiling when he starts laughing again. "So. You and Mary Alice, huh?"
"Oh, yeah. She's the one for me; and she dearly loves a nice warm bath, especially when I… "
"Enough," I yell, interrupting him as he continues to snicker. "I don't need any details."
Trying to change the subject, I ask him what the socials are like here, and when the next one will be – thinking that perhaps I will be able to spend some time with Bella then.
"Edward," he hesitates, tilting his head as he watches me. "We don't have socials here. Mary Alice and I live together. We share a couple's quarters in the green corridor."
"But… you're still on active duty! You're not allowed to marry until you muster out. You can't… " I flounder, trying to make sense of what he has just said. "When you go back to the valley, you won't be able to live with her there. You have to complete your oath, Jasper. You're a Protector – a Ranger – and you… "
"Edward," he interrupts me. "Mother just explained to you about Elizabeth and Ares, and why the Protector program was started, yes?" When I nod, he continues. "We don't have Protectors here; we don't need them. And soon, we won't need them in the valley, either."
All I can do is stand and stare at him, as the full implications of what he has just said begin to filter into my brain. There are so many possible meanings, so many consequences to the statement he just made.
"How… ?"
"Let's find a more comfortable place to talk," he suggests, walking back into the main room. "Why don't you prop yourself up with those pillows on the bed there, and I'll get a chair."
Jasper settles into one of the chairs, dragging the other in front of him to rest his feet, as I stretch out on the bed, with multiple pillows supporting my shoulders and head. But before I can say anything, he warns me that if we start talking about the valley and the future, then we will be here all night.
"Besides," he adds. "There are too many details that I don't know about myself. The advisory council will be meeting soon to discuss everything, and we'll all be there; so I suggest we leave that topic for another time, and you ask me some of the other things you want to know that I can answer."
What he says makes sense, so I think about the questions I had been listing in my mind during dinner.
"You said Hunter knows about me," I begin. "It's obvious that people from this settlement are in communication with our valley; so how, exactly, do they do that? How did Mother know I was hurt, and how does Hunter know I'm okay?"
Jasper nods his head, "You're right, they do talk to each other. They have a machine called a transmitter that can send sound waves over a long distance. If you have a receiver, you can gather those sound waves and convert them into words. So the people here can talk to Mother and Father, and Mother and Father can talk back to them, because they both have a transmitter and a receiver."
His words are confusing, and I know I need to get more details; but all I can focus on is his revelation that they have some of the same technology – at home, in our valley – that I've seen here. "What!" I react in astonishment. "They have a transmitter and a receiver machine? Where is it?"
"Oh, it's at their house," he answers, trying unsuccessfully to contain his smug smile at my surprise. "You've probably walked right by it and never noticed."
"You're having way too much fun with this," I grimace. "But I'll play along: so where is this marvelous, mysterious machine?"
Jasper is laughing so hard, he can barely answer my question. "Oh, dear Ares," he gasps. "You are not going to believe this, Edward. Father… Father hides the pieces in his bee hives!"
"He what… ?" And, suddenly, I'm laughing, too. Laughing at the image of Father secreting the pieces of an unknown machine in his beehives, where no one would think – or even want – to search; and laughing at the genius of having his humble bees protect a piece of advanced technology.
I watch my brother as we both laugh. He looks so relaxed, so happy. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together growing up; and once we became cadets, our time was structured and organized around our age cohorts. We saw each other during the Oath Week celebrations and at the other yearly festivals; but those were always busy times, and filled with family activities that left little time for brotherly bonding. I was always slightly in awe of my older brother, and looked up to Jasper as the perfect cadet, Protector, and, ultimately, Ranger.
Now as I watch him, I realize that we have a chance to get to know each other as two brothers, two friends. I'm still smiling when Jasper finally stops laughing, and he smiles back at me.
"How did you know the parts were there? Did he show you?"
Jasper taps his head with his finger.
"Ahh, your gift. Mother told me a little about it; but I really don't understand how it works. She also said they helped you deal with it while you were still a cadet."
"Yeah," he slowly replies. "Things started happening around the time I turned twelve. At first, I thought something was wrong with my eyes and ears. I started seeing people in different colors, and feeling emotions flowing from them.
"Like right now, when I look at you, I can tell you are feeling relaxed and contented; even with all the confusion and doubts I know are lingering in your mind, you are still feeling a sense of happiness being here in this room with me. I can 'feel' those emotions when I concentrate my attention on you; but I can also 'see' it – because you are glowing, right now – with a warm, yellow light."
Without even thinking, I raise my hand to see this 'warm, yellow light' he is describing. Of course, it is not visible to me, earning me another teasing smirk from him when he realizes what I am doing.
"Other emotions look different," he continues to explain. "Anger, I see as a slight red tint to the skin; and when I try to 'feel' someone who is angry, it actually, physically, hurts. Sadness makes people look like they have a blue shadow over them; and frustration causes an orange vibration in the air around them."
"But the best one, Edward," he smiles, leaning towards me, "the best one is love. When I see people who are feeling love – be it two young lovers who have just discovered one another, or a parent and child enjoying their time together, or a married couple who have spent years with each other – when I see that kind of love, those people shine. They have a glow about them that makes them almost shimmer as they move. It's beautiful to see – but confusing as all fuck to a twelve-year-old boy."
He laughs softly again, shaking his head. "Thankfully, most people don't feel strong emotions that often – so most people look fairly normal, most of the time. But when it started, I kept rubbing my eyes and complaining about the colors. The trainers sent me to the doctors; but I had a hard time explaining what I was seeing and feeling and hearing. They sent me home from the barracks, not sure that I could continue my training."
That information surprises me; I had never known this before.
"It was truly frightening," he continues. "For awhile, everyone thought I might be losing my sight and my hearing. Then, I thought maybe it was inside me; that I was something bad – like part Thaay, or not a true person. I even worried that I would never be able to complete my training to become a Protector."
Leaning back in his chair a bit, Jasper folds his arms behind his head and shifts to get more comfortable, before turning to look at me again.
"Thankfully, it didn't take Mother very long to figure out what was going on. Having someone really listen and believe what I was saying helped, too. I was home for a couple of months; and in that time, I learned how to filter out or ignore most of what I was seeing and feeling. But we also discovered that if I concentrated without fighting it, I could 'push' emotions at people and animals to make them feel the things I wanted them to feel."
"And the lying thing? Being able to sense if someone is telling the truth, or only part of it?" I ask, encouraging him to keep talking.
"Ahh, yes. That started a bit earlier. When someone says something that isn't completely truthful, even if they don't realize it isn't the truth, their voice is different. It has a strange quality to it, a different kind of pitch. It's hard to explain," he shrugs. "And even harder to believe – but then, so is your shield," he laughs.
"And if they are deliberately lying?"
"That is much, much worse. When someone deliberately says something that is completely false, and they know it's completely false, then their skin has a sickly, greenish-yellow tint to it – and their voice is gruff and guttural, almost as if they are growling. Thankfully, that doesn't happen very often… although it was a lot of fun when I was able to catch Hunter in a few of his more outrageous tales."
We both laugh at Jasper's words, thinking about our friend and mentor. I occurs to me that I actually miss Hunter, and I wonder when – and if – I will see him again.
As though he can read my mind, Jasper casually informs me that Hunter and Kate will be here in a few days to attend the advisory council meeting, and that I'll get a chance to talk to them then.
"Kate, too? She knows about all this?"
"Yes; she's taken a more active role, ever since she and Hunter got together."
"Damn it, Jasper," I blurt out. "How many other people know what is going on? Why do I feel like the last person to learn the truth?"
My frustration immediately has me up and on my feet, pacing the floor.
"Why wasn't I told anything before now? Mother and Father helped you – but never said a word to me. I spent my life thinking something was wrong with me, worried that I was part Thaay or something. And now, now I find out that all these other people knew about this place all along, and the truth about our history. It's like some big fucking conspiracy or something."
Shouting by the time I finish, I round on Jasper – only to find him holding his head with a pained expression.
"Please calm down, Edward," he pleads. "Lay back down and relax. You've had a lot handed to you in one day, and you're still recovering from the Fanger's bite. You're not supposed to understand everything in one day. Besides," he grimaces, a mischievous smirk just barely beginning on his face. "You look really bad in orange."
"What the… ?"
He points a finger at me, drawing a line up and down my body, then tapping his head. "Frustration, remember? Orange. Just not a good look on you," he laughs, shaking his head.
Suddenly feeling exhausted and worn-out, I flop back on the bed… closing my eyes, before muttering another 'asshole' to my brother… who is still chuckling softly. It takes me a minute or two to realize what he has done; and when I open my eyes to look back at him, he has the decency to look guilty.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"What can I say?" he grins. "It's a gift!"
Then we can't help ourselves from laughing more, and I appreciate my brother all over again for his efforts to ease my fears and worries.
"Jasper," I whisper, when we have both finally stopped. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, brother," he whispers back.
The bed is soft and comfortable… and I am very, very tired. I close my eyes, enjoying the peace and well-being I know he is sending my way. After a few minutes, I hear his chair creak, and I slowly open my eyes – to find him watching me intently.
"Edward… " he starts, hesitantly.
Seeing the seriousness on his face, I roll over onto my side, propping my head up with my arm so that I can concentrate on what he wants to say.
"I don't know everything," he continues. "I do know that during all the years we've lived in our valley, there have been many of us with abilities or gifts. But none of them have ever had their gifts explained to them until after they took their Oath. I was the only one that had to have help while still a cadet. It's not that I was special, or that our parents cared about me more than you or Emmett. It's because there was a very real possibility that I would not be allowed to finish my training; that I would be found unsuitable, and removed from my cohort. That had never happened to anyone before, and it was a risk that just could not be taken."
"The Protector program works because it trains us to think in terms of the whole, rather than just ourselves. It weeds out selfishness and greed, and makes us care about our society and our people. Once you've taken your Oath, it's part of you. Even with all the power that your abilities could give you, Edward, you could never use them in any way other than what your training will allow. You're a Protector now, and you always will be."
He stands then, and begins to make his way to the door… before turning back to speak, once again.
"I know you have more questions; but that's enough for tonight. I'm tired, you're tired, and… " he pauses, before a huge grin splits his face. "I'm feeling the need for a really long soak in a tub full of hot, soapy water!"
With a laugh, he's out the door, closing it gently behind him. Before his footsteps stop echoing down the hallway, I'm already asleep.
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AN:To those of you who will be celebrating, a Happy Thanksgiving, and, if you are traveling, a safe journey. At the top of my list of things I am thankful for this year will be you, dear readers, and also the amazing Bellebiter, to whom I am thankful every day! See you after the holidays!