Redemption

by Imstillwaitingfortheraintofall

Future fic set several years after A is revealed. Paige is a broken shell of her former self, a reclusive loner who stalks the night, fighting crime. What happens when a blast from the past forces her to confront her demons head on? Rated M for theme, language and lady loving

21. Chapter 21

Sorry for the delay in getting this out to you guys, but my wife kinda had a baby!

I am now the proud mother of TWO gorgeous boys, and my life is extremely busy, but fear not; I have been beavering away and have an epically loooong chapter for you all!

Several people have asked why Spencer hasn't just told Paige how she feels but instead let her believe it is Emily she likes, so I figured it was time for Spencer's side of the story!

I will continue to write as fast as I can, your patience is greatly appreciated x

Chapter 21

Spencer P.O.V

I just couldn't stop myself.

When Paige had told me that she had no idea people had been hitting on her in the clubs I'd been surprised but not shocked, after all I'd been hitting on her pretty much the entire time she'd visited me in rehab and she had been oblivious, but when she'd said she didn't think people thought of her as sexy or hot I'd been floored.

Paige had said I should already know because she didn't have people flocking round her at high school, but we must of gone to different schools because the Paige I remembered had tons of admirers, she had just been so in to Emily that they had been invisible to her.

Back when I was on the hockey team I'd known of at least four girls that had major crushes on her, three of them supposedly straight. I had also found her incredibly hot, but was in my denial phase about my sexuality so kept my thoughts firmly to myself. Emily had also told me of several of the swim team who had made comments about how lucky she was to be dating McCullers, and there were a ton of guys I'd heard lamenting the fact that she 'played for the other team'.

I'd known right then that Paige has never held a very high opinion of herself, something I'd found out later had to do very much with one Alison DiLaurentis. I'd dragged her into the bathroom because I'd wanted her to confirm my suspicions, and she had in startlingly clear terms.

Average. Paige Sex Goddess McCullers, thought she was average.

My heart had squeezed with so much love for her in that moment that I'd known I couldn't let her continue believing such lies. I had described the same features she had, but from my perspective. I had opened the lock I normally kept on my feelings for her, and let myself finally voice how I see each part of her. I had seen how my words had affected Paige, the shock and disbelief in her eyes when I started talking told me that she had been expecting something bad, and that my words were completely unexpected.

As I'd been describing her eyes I had seen a tear run down her cheek, and I swear that tear had almost broken my heart in two. That tear had been so telling, so revealing as to how fragile this strong woman really is, that all I'd wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and promise her that I would protect her heart with mine for the rest of our lives.

As I lay here now, naked and sated next to the amazing woman I have just made love to, I gaze in wonder at the unguarded face of the woman who has stolen my heart, and try to work out how I can tell her how I feel.

Back in high school, when we were on the hockey team, I'd felt such a strong and immediate attraction to Paige that it had scared the crap out of me. My normally rational and dispassionate mind had flown the coop as soon as I had clapped eyes on the gorgeous beauty. Paige had been fearless back then, a fierce warrior that took no prisoners and didn't apologize for being ruthless in her pursuit of a win. The combination of her stubbornness and determination, mixed with her drop dead gorgeous looks, had knocked me sideways and awakened a passion I never knew I had in me.

Unfortunately, along with that passion had come immediate pain; the knowledge that my family would not be receptive to me suddenly announcing I was in to girls was not even one I'd had to think about, it was inherently built into my psyche. Anything that looked 'out of the norm' to clients was not allowed in the Hastings family, so I had pushed my feelings away and instead focused on seemingly unavailable men as a distraction. I had thought flirting with my sister's boyfriends would be a harmless way to distract myself from my attraction to Paige, but each time it had turned into a way more complicated and messy affair then I had ever intended.

When A had started harassing us I had focused on finding out who was messing with us and my longing for Paige had been put on a back burner, though never really went away. When Emily told us she was gay I had been incredibly proud, and also a little jealous. She'd had the courage to be herself and come out (with a little encouragement from A), and she'd blossomed into such a confident person that I couldn't help but feel a little envious of her bravery.

I hadn't been expecting things between Toby and I to turn romantic the way they did, he was the total opposite from the type of guy I normally went for, but maybe that was why things had seemed easier with him. My feelings for Toby had gradually grown into love, but each time I'd caught a glance of Paige on the hallways at school my heart had still skipped a beat with longing, and I'd immediately felt guilty for feeling that way.

When Emily had told me that Paige was bullying her about being gay I had seen red, my crush seeming ridiculous in light of her homophobic attitude. I'd told the swim coach about it in the hope of getting Paige in trouble, and also in the hope that it would stop my heart from feeling so lonely every time I caught sight of her. I had eventually managed to convince myself that Paige was a bad person, and whatever I had felt for her hadn't been real because it had been based upon a person that didn't exist. I had exercised her from my mind, and I had thought my heart, for good.

Discovering Mona was A and the subsequent events had thrown us all for a loop, but the worst shock for me had been finding out that Emily had started dating Paige. The fact that Paige had been trying to keep it a secret, coupled with what CeCe had told me about her animosity towards Ali and my own version of who Paige was had lead me to convince myself that Paige was working with A, and I feel shame as I remember how hard I had tried to convince the others that Paige was untrustworthy and deserving of suspicion.

I stroke my fingers gently through the gorgeous locks of Paige's hair as I remember how terrible I'd felt in the wake of the Lyndon James incident, and how that guilt had stayed with me for so long after. I had been so convinced that Paige was working with A to terrorize us, but not only had Paige been going to meet A to try and protect Emily, but she had been kidnapped and almost murdered because of her. I had wanted to apologize to Paige so strongly that night, especially after I saw how she'd distracted the cops that were questioning a distraught Emily so that she could come comfort Hanna with us, but I'd never managed to find the right words.

I let my fingers glide softly along the planes of Paige's jaw, making sure not to disturb her sleep as I know how little unbroken sleep she gets, my heart bursting with the love I feel for her. I never expected to see Paige again after she disappeared from Rosewood, convinced that she hated me for my part in what had happened to her.

The events in Rosewood had shattered my heart, rendering me a broken shell of a person for a long time afterward. I had completely broken down when I'd heard what had happened to Paige, knowing that it was my fault; that I had put her in harms way. If I had said no to Paige when she came looking for me in rehab and asked for my help to catch A then she would have stayed safe, instead I had been selfish and said yes.

My crush on Paige had resurfaced after the events at the lighthouse, and become a thousand times stronger when she'd saved my life on the ghost train, so I'd said yes as soon as I was given an excuse to spend time with her; our meetings the first time I had ever got to hang out with her by myself. I had lived for the time we spent together, her shy smile and her infectious laugh quickly becoming more of an addiction than the pills I had been in rehab for. Paige's quick smile had brightened my day like a million watt bulb, and I'd spent the hours we were apart trying to think of things that would make her laugh the next time I saw her.

At the time I'd known I didn't stand a chance with her, Paige's heart still very much full of Emily, but it had been enough to be a friend and confidant, because at least I had her in my life. Once the theory of finding A had become a very real possibility I had tried to talk Paige out of it, arguing that our involvement might impede a court case; but the truth was that I had been scared of Paige getting hurt. That my worst fear because a reality was devastating, and I'd known that I never should of let her go alone. My gut had warned me something bad was going to happen, but I had brushed it off as my subconscious not wanting this to end because then Emily and Paige would get back together and I would lose my time with her.

Paige had sounded so confident the last time I had spoken to her, her honey filled voice oozed charm and cockiness as she'd drawled "don't worry Hastings, I got this" that it had soothed my nerves and calmed my fears somewhat, but I had still been incredibly worried. As soon as Paige failed to check in at the ten minute window I had known something had gone wrong, Paige had promised me she wouldn't forget and she'd never broke her promises, so I'd immediately called the police.

The reality had been so much worse than my fears, and when I had been told that Jason was A, and my father had been covering up his illegal activities to protect his own wrong doings I had been floored. The police had told my mother and I that they had kidnapped Toby and Mona because they believed they had information that could expose them, and they had killed them both in cold blood when they realized Paige had found them to try and prevent their identities being revealed. I had listened in terrified fascination as the cop had detailed the horror Paige went through, and how close she'd come to being killed. I'd lost it completely when I'd realized that she'd been forced to kill to save her own life, and it had all happened because I had agreed to help her.

I'd ended up in Radley because I'd known Toby had been tortured while I was mooning over Paige, and that he'd died believing there was still a chance for us, yet I had been thinking of no one but Paige that night. That guilt was awful, and I'd never been able to forgive myself for hurting him that way, but on top of that I'd known that I had ruined Paige's life with my selfishness, and that she would hate me for the rest of her life.

My mom had moved me to a private facility where I had spent weeks not caring what happened to me, not talking when being spoken to and not responding to any motivation people tried; and I had eventually got so low that I even started storing up my pills so that I could overdose, believing that it was the only way I could atone for the hurt I'd caused Toby and Paige.

I had been days away from having enough to be sure I would succeed when Aria had come to visit me, and it had been a chance remark from her that had managed to pull me out of my downward spiral.

She had been chatting about every day stuff, babbling away as she'd filled me in on what had been going on in Rosewood in my absence despite my lack of response, when she'd mentioned seeing Paige. I had been pulled out of my fugue state immediately, my ears pricking up and my eyes focusing on Aria at the sound of Paige's name. Aria had been wittering on about how the last time she'd seen Hanna it was at Paige's place, because Hanna was living there now. She'd told me how much she'd enjoyed Paige's company, and how much fun the three of them had managed to have. Aria had told me how pleased she had been to see how well Paige was doing now and that she thought Paige was recovering well; and then she'd told me that Paige had actually asked how I was doing.

Aria couldn't of know it then, but the news that Paige was ok, and inquiring after my welfare had made my heart soar. There had been so many things I wanted to say to her, so much guilt about what happened that I'd known I needed to see her, even if it was only for her to punch me in the face for what she'd had to endure. Toby was dead and I would always punish myself for my wrongs against him, but I'd known that I had to atone for what I had put Paige through. If I killed myself I would be taking the easy way out, and I'd known that I deserved to suffer for what had happened to Toby and Paige.

It had been that thought that had made me pull myself together and get well, the pills stored under my pillow flushed as all though of ending my life faded from my mind as the image of seeing Paige again dominated my thoughts.

I'd became a model patient; polite, attentive and receptive to all recommendations of ways to get well, even when I'd thought they were complete bull. My doctors had been amazed by the change in me, and had agreed to sign my discharge papers a couple of months later. Unfortunately, by the time I'd made it back to Rosewood Paige had disappeared, and I'd let the anger and frustration I'd felt with myself for taking too long to be released spill out on to Hanna, who had remained steady in her resolution that she had no idea where Paige had gone.

With Paige and my chance to atone gone, I'd had nothing to aim for. I had lost my hope again and had wandered around Rosewood for hours just thinking about all the things I'd wanted to tell her but didn't have the chance to. I'd even written her letters, long rambling ones that veered off on tangents left and right, but the gist how much she'd meant to me and how sorry I had been for the hell she'd gone through because of me. With no address to send them to they had ended up being stuffed into the back of my closet, a boxful of confessions that would never been read.

Eventually my mothers incessant talk about 'getting back to normal' by going to college had worn me down enough to agree, and she'd had enough pull at her old Ivy League to get me a (very) late admission. I had found the scrabble necklace Toby had given me when I'd been packing up my room, the square tile with its single S making me break down into tears all over again with guilt. At the end of his life I may not have loved Toby the way he wanted, but he had still been one of my best friends and I'd missed him terribly. I had started wearing it again as a way to honor him, and to remind myself to never let my heart get involved with anyone again.

For a while I'd gotten along ok at college, returning to the studious hardworking Spencer from high school who took as many classes as she was allowed to, did her homework six weeks in advance, always asked for extra credit when it was available, and dominated every extra curricular I'd gotten involved with. I had been so busy during the day that I hadn't had much time to think about Paige, but memories of her had still haunted my dreams.

I hadn't enjoyed any of it but had been able to fake it well enough to not be obvious, and it had been an existence without too much pain; until my room mate had convinced me to attend one of the frat parties being held off campus. I'd hated going to frat parties, having to fend off the drunken advances of idiot college boys had not my idea of a good time, but I'd agreed to go because I hadn't been able to come up with an excuse quick enough, and I'd known that because all my homework was done I'd just be sitting on my bed thinking about Paige or Toby anyway.

The first few hours had been fairly uneventful and I'd known enough people to not be stood on my own all evening. I'd only had to turn down three guys so far that evening, but it had been just approaching midnight when I'd spotted a girl that looked so much like Paige that my heart had immediately become lodged in my throat. She had been chatting to a group of people I'd vaguely known so I'd wandered over and hovered on the edge of the group, speaking to a couple of the people I'd known slightly better while keeping my eyes on her. The several drinks of rather awful alcohol I had consumed must of made my subtly fly out the window because it hadn't been long before the girl had noticed my blatant staring and took me to one side.

'Is there something wrong?' Her voice hadn't been as velvety as Paige's, and her eyes had been green instead of brown, but there had been enough of a resemblance to make arousal start to flow through my veins.

I'd stared at her as I'd felt all my old feelings come flooding back, minus the shame and self loathing of 'tarnishing the family name'. Desire and alcohol had stripped away any nerves, making me feel more confident than I had ever felt before, and I had imagined I was talking to Paige instead of this nameless girl when I'd spoken. 'You're incredibly beautiful, and I find you very attractive'.

The girl had blushed under my forthright honesty, her cheeks turning rosy as she'd looked away briefly. When she'd looked back at me I had seen a glow of something in her eyes, and I known that I would be going home with her that night.

I had thought about sex with Paige numerous times, and had always imagined I would be hesitant or nervous, but that girl wasn't Paige so I'd felt completely confident that night despite my lack of experience, and had simply tried everything I had every dreamed I'd wanted to do with Paige.

What I'd lacked in finesse I had seemed to make up for in enthusiasm because I'd managed to make her scream the place down almost the entire time, and she'd passed out with exhaustion somewhere around five in the morning.

I had gathered my clothes and left soon after, leaving a quick note to thank my bed fellow for the nights adventures and telling her how awesome she had been, though to this day I still don't think I ever found out her name. As I'd walked back to my dorm I had dissected my feelings about my first experience with a girl and realized that while it had temporarily helped to quell my longing for Paige, the anger and guilt about what had happened to her, Toby, and even Mona because of me still weighed heavily on my heart.

As I'd neared my room a poster on the notice board had caught my attention, it's logo a striking black and red dragon. I'd wandered over for a closer look, discovering the poster had been an advert for a new martial arts group on campus. My first thought had been to dismiss it, but then an idea began to form in my head, and the more I'd thought about it the more I couldn't think about anything else.

I had signed up the next day, and had been pleasantly surprised to find out the instructor had actually been a world and Olympic champion in his day so really knew his stuff. Within a month I'd been the star pupil, picking up new moves quickly and without trouble, my voracious mind memorizing the patterns as easily as if they were a passage on the French Revolution. My instructor had been impressed at my dedication, I'd often stayed behind to practice moves until they were so ingrained into my memory that I could do them almost as easily as breathing, and he'd offered to teach me other techniques if I wished. I'd agreed, eager to learn as much as possible, and found my favorite was the nun chucks, something I'd of never imagined I would like before. I had been able to channel all the anger, hate, and guilt I felt about Rosewood into learning and controlling a perfect technique, the constant hum of disquiet inside me stilled during the time I'd used to master the potentially deadly weapon.

I had dropped all of my other extra curricular activities (except sleeping with girls that resembled Paige) to focus on my new obsession, and had spent the next year and a half using every spare moment to learn everything possible from my instructor; and he'd even entered me into local underground competitions to try and challenge me more when I'd reached the top level. The added element of getting injured made me crave combat in a way I hadn't realized I'd wanted before, and the strange buzz I'd got from feeling like I had finally found a way of being punished for my past misdeeds meant I'd gone into every fight not afraid of getting hurt. I'd achieved a reputation for being fearless fairly quickly, but it had only been after a chance encounter with some drunk frat boys at a party that I'd discovered a way to combine my masochistic need to punish myself with a way of getting back at those who thought they were above the law.

It had been a Saturday night, and I'd just left a party with my latest Paige-alike (via the kitchen to avoid her boyfriend noticing) when I'd noticed a scuffle in the alley behind the house. The selfish part of me had wanted to ignore it, to pretend I'd not seen it so that I could continue to take the only girl at the party with features vaguely resembling the one I actually wanted home so that I could screw her brains out; but then I'd thought about what would Paige think if it was actually her I was going home with, and I'd known that she would be ashamed of me for thinking such a thing so I'd left my not quite yet one night stand waiting by the house while I stalked over to see what was going on.

As I'd approached I had seen two weedy looking boys standing guard, their faces turning from shifty to gulity at my arrival. One of them had turned and said something over his shoulder, and the scuffling had ceased. I'd gone to walk straight past them, but the one that had whispered had dared to put a hand on my arm in restraint. 'This isn't any of your concern love, you should get your pretty ass back on to the party'.

I'd immediately stopped and looked at him with my best Hastings glare, seeing his confidence completely wilt under the intensity. I'd seen his face lose its swagger and he'd gulped loudly with nerves, a sure sign that he was merely a lackey for whoever was behind him. 'You have two seconds to remove your hand before you lose it, and if you refer to any woman as anything other than ma'am ever again I will make sure you have to sit down to take a piss for the rest of your life'.

The poor kid had gone pure white at the ice in my tone, and I'd thought for a moment he was actually going to faint, but he'd still managed to pull his hand back with lightening speed. 'I'm sorry. Ma'am'.

I'd barely heard the words they were so soft, but I hadn't been focused on him anymore as I'd known he would comply so hadn't cared to spend any more of my time on him. Instead I'd stepped around him so that I could see what was going on, my mouth setting into a hard line the second I'd understood the situation.

'Well isn't this cozy'. Sarcasm had dripped from my words as I'd fixed eyes on the guy I'd pegged as the ringleader; a smarmy looking idiot who'd clearly thought wearing a letter on his jacket had earned him the privilege of doing whatever the fuck he wanted without repercussions.

He'd been a cocky little shit, not bothering to try and hide the fact that two of his mates were holding up a barely conscious kid half his size who he had clearly just been beating the crap out of.

'This is a private party darling...' He'd swaggered over to me like he owned the whole damn world, his eyes raking over my body in a way that had made me want to take a shower and scrub off six layers of skin. '….but seeing as you're a pretty little thing I don't mind you staying, you can be our entertainment once I've taken care of some business'.

He'd raised his right hand so that he could stroke his index finger down my bare arm, his words clearly conveying what sort of 'entertainment' he had in mind.

I'd looked him in the eye as I spoke, my voice so scathing I'd seen him recoil slightly in surprise. 'Oh I'm sorry, I don't fraternize with dickless losers who need five guys to overpower one person, but how about I break your nose with your own fist instead?'

Before he had been able to react I'd grabbed hold of the hand he'd used to stroke my arm and jerked it straight into his face, making sure to bend his wrist back at such an angle that his knuckles connected with his face perfectly, the scream I'd received indicating my shot had been on target. A knee to the groin had finished him off, my satisfaction at the tears that had sprung into his eyes had brought a smirk to my face.

His mates had immediately dropped the guy they had been holding and flown at me, intending to avenge their leader, but I'd anticipated their reaction and had also been in motion, my body swiveling to grab the trash can lid I'd spotted when I'd entered the alley. I'd used the metal lid to slam into the nearest guys face, before quickly spinning the edge into the second guys ribs as he'd charged at me. Once I'd made sure they weren't getting back up I'd turned towards the two guys that had been guarding the alley in case they'd decided to get involved, but they had already disappeared, not eager to share the same fate as their friends.

I'd helped the kid they'd been beating up back into the party and called the cops, then placed a call to my mother to make sure that those douche bag kids rich parents didn't get them off scot free. Once everything had been sorted I'd finally been able to take my one night only date home so that I could work off all the adrenaline coursing through my veins, my body thrumming with the need to express everything I had been feeling as a result of finally being able to take out some of my anger on people that deserved it.

Ever since that night I had gone looking for trouble; armed with nothing but a pair of nun chucks I had ordered from a specialist supplier and the skills I had learned, to try and keep finding that feeling. The one I'd felt after I had kicked the shit out of those snotbags, the one that had made me feel like I was avenging Toby's death, and atoning for hurting Paige. I had started disguising myself after my first few altercations, there were too many people on campus that could have recognized me and figured there was only so many times I could be named in a fight before campus police realized I was actively looking for them, plus it had been easier to hide my nun chucks under a hoodie than a T shirt.

I had patrolled campus for a couple of months, breaking up fights and kicking to the kerb drunk frat boys throwing their weight, before I'd realized that I wasn't getting the same feeling I had been, that dealing with privileged rich kids who'd had too much to drink wasn't the atonement I needed. I'd needed to fight real scum in order to pay for my sins, and I hadn't been able to find that while I was at college.

The next morning I had packed my stuff and left college, not telling my mother until I was several hundred miles away, feeding her some bull that I'd needed a gap year to clear my head. She hadn't been happy but she'd agreed, and had continued to keep my bank account at a healthy balance for me to use.

I had picked a place at random, the only factor I'd needed was that it was a high enough population to expect the level of crime I was looking for, and had gone hunting to try and find the feeling I'd craved. It had been my fourth night of patrolling when I'd run across the gang in the alley, stumbling over them by accident as I'd hopped a fence in pursuit of a mugger that has managed to give me the slip. The gang had assumed I was a threat and immediately launched into attack mode, which had left me with no option but to fight back.

I'd been holding my own against them pretty well when I'd suddenly heard a yell, the voice sounding panicked as it had screamed the words GET DOWN a millisecond before the sound of a gunshot had blasted through the night. I had obeyed the voice immediately, throwing myself sideways to the ground but had felt something akin to a sledgehammer hitting my shoulder as I'd went, the pain that followed mercifully short as I'd blacked out upon hitting the floor.

Waking up in Paige's apartment had not seemed unusual to me at first because I had continued my habit of getting drunk and going home with girls that reminded me of her every night since I'd arrived in town, sometimes having to get so drunk before my beer goggles managed to pick out a characteristic in someone similar enough for me to accept the substitute that I got to the point where I didn't even remember picking her up.

When Paige had walked out of the shadows dressed in her vigilante getup and started talking with that voice changer I had jumped out of bed so fast I hadn't even stop to register the aches and pains of my body, my only thought being that I had been kidnapped while passed out drunk. So many thoughts had run through my head, fear mixed with anger mainly, but there was also some strange force that had urged me to listen when the stranger had asked me to.

The stranger had told me how I had been shot by the gang I had been fighting, but that they had removed the bullet and patched me up. The news had made me feel relieved, and a little bit cheated. I'd had an unconscious death wish I realize now, the guilt that had been burning a hole in my heart had wanted me to be punished, and I guess it had figured I would eventually pick a fight I couldn't win. This stranger appearing to save me had seemed like more than just coincidence and after talking to them for a while, discovering they could find humor in an otherwise humorless situation, I had become intrigued by them.

I had wanted to know more about this person, their damaged life seeming so similar to mine, and I had asked them to train me as a way of getting to know them better. The weeks that we trained together had left me with little answers, but a shed load more questions. Their whole demeanor had been so closed off, yet I'd felt like they genuinely wanted to help me, the compassion I had heard in their voice as they had told me they knew I was pinning for someone from my past had touched my heart, and made me feel like they knew where I was coming from.

Knowing now that it was Paige beneath that hood, I think back to everything I had told her while believing she was a stranger, the information she had coaxed out of me about why I was creeping through the night and fighting bad guys. At the time I had told her that it was because of guilt about Toby, that all the guilt I'd felt was because he'd died believing I still loved him when in fact my heart had been captured by another. I hadn't mentioned who it was my heart had been captured by, never saying that my heart had been captured so completely by the woman who loved my best friend, but I do remember saying that I never told them because they already loved another.

I never mentioned Paige by name because just thinking of her had been enough to send shards of pain through my heart; saying her name aloud would have been excruciating, admitting that I still craved her like a flower craves the sun after a long winter buried in snow had just been too much pain to bear in that moment.

I smile as I look down at the beauty sleeping next to me, knowing now that the whole time I was talking about her she had thought I was talking about Emily, that she thought the 'brunette with a shy smile' I longed for couldn't possibly be her and had automatically placed the honor on Emily's shoulders. Its so typical of her, and it makes me want to kiss her until her eyes open so that I can look into their beautiful depths as I whisper how totally and irrevocably in love with her I am.

The revelation that the mysterious stranger that had been helping me atone for my sins was actually Paige had left me thunderstruck, and kissing her had been pure instinct; all the pent up desire and longing I had been carrying for her all these years had boiled over in that instant, compelling me to kiss her in case I never got the opportunity again. I had launched myself against her and kissed her with everything I had; all the love, pain, fear and hurt that had been churning inside me combined to create a kiss of pure desperation and need, a kiss that needed no answer.

Yet I had received one. Paige had kissed me back.

The fact that Paige had known who I was the entire time and had not turned from me had been something of a miracle, but the realization that she had actually been kissing me back had been too much for my overloaded system to handle. I had destroyed this woman's life with my selfishness; she had lost everything, her friends, her family, her future, Emily; yet there she had been, kissing me back.

I had felt a burst of anger take over me; anger at myself for letting my long fought for control disappear the second I found her again, and anger at Paige for forgiving me so easily. I had punched her with everything I had, swinging my fist into her jaw with all the bile I wished she had hit me with the second she had found out who I was, and then turned and ran like the coward I was.

I had spent the next two weeks alternating between rage, despair, hope and pure confusion; my emotions swinging wildly between extremes as I'd tried to dissect our every interaction once I knew the person trying to save me was the one that should actually hate me. Paige had bombarded me with messages during that time and I nearly cracked and called her each time I'd received her plea to talk, but I'd known that I couldn't face her until I had managed to get my shit back together.

I'd had very little sleep during that time, my dreams haunted by the memory of Paige's lips on mine. It had been like my mind was stuck on a loop, replaying the few seconds that her hands had gripped my shoulders and her lips responded to mine, kissing me back with just as much desperation and urgency as I had kissed her with. The dream had ended each time with the vision of just how hurt she'd looked the second after I'd punched her stamped in my brain, and I'd awaken full of desire and guilt, my brain even more confused than before.

I had finally been forced to get my shit together when I'd found myself thinking back to the conversation we'd had in Paige's car the night she'd left me on Main Street outside Pottery Barn. I had been so consumed with my own confessions that I had totally forgotten that Paige had done some confessing of her own. I'd remembered that I had asked her why she did what she did, why she felt the need to make amends by fighting crime the way she does, and Paige had confessed to feeling guilt over the death of two people.

At the time I'd had no context for the confession, but thinking about it once I'd known the person behind the hood was Paige, I'd realized that Toby and Mona must be the innocents she had been talking about. Paige had been blaming herself for the deaths of Toby and Mona, when all along I had thought she must of been blaming me! That thought had galvanized me and I had gone straight to the only place I'd known where to find her, the abandoned building where she'd trained me.

I had crept in through the window like I always had and had expected to find the place deserted, the hour early enough that I'd assumed Paige would be out on patrol and I would have to wait around for a while. Instead I had heard a rhythmic thumping noise coming from the main area, the sound of someone hitting a punching bag unmistakable after the many hours Paige had made me do it. Using the boxes littering the warehouse as cover I had silently made my way closer, my eyes lighting on the breathtaking figure of Paige as I'd peeked out from behind one of the crates. Her eyes had been focused on the bag, her fists moving like lightening as she'd slammed them with incredible force into the heavy bag over and over. She had been wearing nothing more than figure hugging shorts and a sports bra, the sweat covering her body making her skin shimmer and dance in the low light of the dirty strip lights hanging above. Her lips had been moving and I'd just been able to hear her saying something in time to her punches so I'd edged a bit closer, the insults making my eyes widen in surprise when they'd reached my ears. Paige had been angry at herself, and had been venting some pretty serious rage.

Paige had given a sudden howl of anger and launched an almighty right hook at the bag, the power in her punch managing to snap the rope and send the bag a good ten foot across the room. I'd watched as Paige as she'd stared at the bag like she had wished it was herself laying on the ground, battered and bruised after a beating. I had gone there because I had realized that Paige had been living with just as much guilt as I had been and had wanted to try and help, but seeing just how much guilt she had been dealing with had still been quite a shock.

Paige had lifted her hand and I'd noticed the blood covering it, the sound of her voice echoing in my head from the countless training sessions I had endured as she had lectured me "Boxing for dummies lesson number one: always wrap your knuckles" had made me feel like teasing her despite the circumstances. However, the self loathing I'd heard in her voice when she'd spoken to herself had told me that I'd needed to do something, and do it right away.

'Pity party for one, your table is ready'.

She'd spun round in surprise, her body automatically falling into a defense pose that I'd recognized from our nocturnal jaunts and I'd stepped out of my hiding spot to let her see me, seeing her eyes widen in shock at my appearance.

I had walked towards her, not able to stop my eyes from running over her body as I did. She had been stunning, the sweat glistening on her skin from her workout enhancing every curve and sinew of her toned and rock hard body. My eyes had taken in her shoulders and arms; lean muscle that had been perfectly formed through countless workouts and honed into deadly weapons in battle, yet gentle enough to cradle and soothe a terrified woman who had just been attacked, their touch light and comforting.

As soon as my eyes had taken in Paige's torso my mouth had run dry, the vivid wounds and bruises littering it not able to conceal the rock hard body and defined abs that rippled as she'd moved. Her legs were long and lean, their muscular power making me imagine all sorts of inappropriate things.

I'd had to force my eyes away from her body before I'd started drooling and had made them lock with hers. It had been clear that she had lost weight since the last time I'd seen her, her cheekbones more pronounced than I'd remembered, and there had been dark circles under her eyes that spoke of her own share of sleepless nights.

Paige had looked like she wanted to speak, her jaw had tightened and flexed as some inner conversation played out in her head, but she'd eventually remained quiet, and I'd known that I she was letting me lead the meeting. I'd had no idea what to say, there had been so many things I'd wanted to try and explain, to try and fix; but instead I'd focused on something I could fix, her hand.

I'd walked towards Paige and had seen her tense, her face telling me she had been expecting me to hit her again. 'I'm not going to hit you again, not just yet any way. Follow me'.

My words had been shorter than intended, but I'd been angry at myself, knowing that the reaction was justified given my actions the last time she saw me. I'd walked past her without another word and disappeared into the bathroom, not knowing if she was going to follow me or not.

I had been incredibly relieved when she'd walked through the door a few seconds later, and silently let out the breath I'd been holding. Paige had looked at the first aid kit I'd gotten out then back at me, her face adorable as it'd creased in confused. I'd had the urge to kiss her again, and the feeling had made me clamp down hard on my emotions, trying to keep things impersonal so that I could get through it without embarrassing myself.

'Wash your hand off, it needs to be bandaged or it won't stop bleeding'. My voice had sounded so cold, but I hadn't been able to risk anything else right then, not while she had been still standing there in those damn tiny shorts.

Paige had obeyed my command without argument, her movements full of a grace and fluidity that I hadn't been able to help admiring. When she'd gone to bandage her hand herself I'd waved her off, telling her that I would do it for her. I hadn't want to, the thought of touching her skin, even on a neutral spot like her hands, had send butterflies racing through my stomach, but I'd known that she would never have be able to do it effectively using one hand.

Paige had nodded her agreement and I'd tended to her hand while trying to keep contact to a minimum, my touches as brief and impersonal as I'd been able to make them while still being as gentle as possible. As my fingers had ghosted over her skin I had seen Paige shudder, and had instantly thought she disliked my touch. I had asked her if there was something the matter, wanting to give her the opportunity to tell me if she would rather I not touch her, but instead she'd told me it was simply because she'd felt cold.

Her words had made my eyes again lock onto her body, drawn to her exposed flesh against my will. I had found I couldn't help myself; the girl I had dreamed about for years had been mere inches from me with her amazing body clad in nothing but two pieces of tight material, and my eyes had wanted to devour her. I had managed to drag my eyes away from the acres of delicious flesh after a rather intense couple of minutes and fixed them on hers, trying desperately to control my raging hormones. Paige had shuddered once again before her eyes dropped to my lips, and I hadn't been able to help the fire that bloomed within me as the memory of her lips on mine had danced in my mind. Paige's eyes had returned to mine and I'd averted my gaze immediately, knowing that everything I'd felt had been written for her to see in them.

I'd released her hand and taken a step back, clearing my throat suddenly dry throat. 'You should put a top on'. I'd said the words as unemotionally as I could, but had added a silent before I jump your bones in my mind.

Paige had seemed thrown by my words and I'd suddenly worried that she had read the desire in my eyes so kept my eyes averted and hid my shaky hands by packing up the first aid kit while I'd tried to do some damage control on my hastily said words. 'You said you were cold. You should get dressed if you're cold'.

Paige had thankfully seemed to buy the excuse, and turned to exit the bathroom. She had been halfway out the door when she had turned back to me and asked if I would still be here. The question had surprised me because I had been silently beating myself up for my slip and had merely been able to look at her in confusion, the question not making sense to me. Paige had rephrased her question, asking if I would leave before we'd had a chance to talk.

The way she'd said the words had made me pause, the uncertainty I'd heard in her voice had made me feel like shit that I had given her justification to worry that I would disappear on her. When I had resolved to get better and get out of the hospital I had been determined to make things right with her, yet as soon I had realized it was Paige under that hood I hadn't been able to control myself and had thrown myself at her. I had run because I was terrified; of my emotions, of her rejection, but mostly because of my fear of not being able to atone. Whether it was the fates, serendipity, or some greater force I had to thank for bringing us back together, I doubted I'd be lucky enough to get another chance; so I'd resolved right there in that less than pleasant bathroom that I would not fuck this one up, that I would push aside my own feelings and do everything in my power to help this beautiful woman find her way back to the light, where she belonged.

My voice had been gentle as I spoke, my throat choked up with the emotions swirling through me. 'Go put some clothes on Hastings, I'll still be here when you get back'.

She had hesitated, her eyes betraying their worry that I would not hold to my words, but the small smile I had been able to muster seemed to convince her I could be trusted to stay put without her for the few minutes she would need and she'd let the door swing closed behind her. I had been grateful for the short reprieve, but had found that I immediately missed her so had followed her back into the main warehouse after a few minutes. She had just begun pulling on her top and I'd seen her wince as her ribs flexed with the movement, the large bruise drawing my eyes again. Anger at myself had flooded my whole being, knowing from the papers that she had been patrolling by herself when I should have been by her side, protecting her.

'That's quite the bruise you've got'. The words had left my mouth before I'd realized they had, and I'd found that I needed to know. 'That wouldn't have anything to do with the story in the paper about last nights foiled mugging by any chance?'

Paige had finished covering up and shrugged like it was no big deal, telling me she had received worse in the past. I had continued staring at her stomach, the marks on her skin burned into my brain, and I'd known that each and every one was a direct result of what my family had done to her, the guilt searing my soul with red hot pain.

'I noticed'. The anger I'd felt with myself had made my voice come out harder than I meant and Paige had looked at me weirdly, her face a ball of confusion. I'd frowned as I had mentally slapped myself for my slip and focused on reigning in my anger at myself, at least until I could be alone again. I had been so focused inward that when Paige had suddenly moved she'd made me jump and I'd instinctively taken a step backward, needing a second to refocus on the room.

Paige had said she wanted me to follow her to her apartment, that she would tell me everything I wanted to know, but that the warehouse wasn't the place for it. I had gotten nervous at the idea of going to her place again; one of the many dreams that had made any decent amount sleep impossible for me, which culminated with both of us naked on her bed, had sprung immediately into my head and started running rampant through my mind, leaving me incredibly twitchy at the thought of the two of us alone in a room with a bed. I had done what I always do when I get nervous, I'd hidden behind a wall of feigned aloofness and superiority. I had questioned the need to go to her apartment, and had been shocked when Paige had suddenly looked so fragile, her words full of pain and turmoil as she had confessed that she didn't know if she would have the strength to say what she needed to say out loud more than once.

She had turned to leave without looking at me, her body suddenly looking like someone had just placed an enormous weight on her shoulders, and I had been powerless to do anything except follow. The drive back to her apartment had been in silence, mainly because I had kept my face averted and had looked out the window while I'd tried to work out how I was going to explain why I had punched her, after kissing her. I'd wanted to tell her the truth but I just didn't know where to start, and I'd felt it was only right that I let Paige say everything she needed to before I laid my issues at her feet.

The silence had remained until we'd reached her apartment, and it had been the sight of the state it had been in that had jolted me from my thoughts and made me again wonder what Paige has been going through. My first thought had been that Paige had money troubles and her landlord had trashed the place because she couldn't pay her rent, but I had been surprised when Paige had confessed to doing it herself.

Paige had seemed like she went into herself as she'd talked, her back to me as she'd stood by the window, gazing into the darkness that was more inside herself than in the alley below. She had shocked me when she'd said that the night she found me changed everything for her, and it had made my heart race with anxiety at the exact nature of that change, rendering me silent as I'd tried to process the implications. I can admit that when Paige had revealed that she and Hanna had kept in contact I'd been annoyed, but a large part of the anger in my reaction had actually been jealousy that Paige had picked her to keep in contact with and not me.

I had been unable to stop myself from quizzing Paige about why she'd chosen Hanna to be her one link to Rosewood and as she had spoken about Hanna being there for her, especially after she lost Emily, I'd had to suck in a deep breath to keep me upright as my mind had swirled with guilt; but it hadn't been until Paige's last comment, and the accompanying wrist rub that I had realized just how big the debt I owed Paige really was, and how big of an apology I owed Hanna.

Paige had turned back to look at me and I'd seen the emotion on her face, the demons that were still hovering beneath the surface for her, and all I'd wanted in that moment was to be able to absorb her pain from her, to be able to make her the happy and unbroken girl I had fallen for back in Rosewood.

I'd listened as Paige had explained that she'd destroyed the room because she was upset that she had fucked things up between us, that she thought our meeting again was her chance to help me, but she'd messed it up by hurting me.

Her words had thrown me, my brain having difficulty trying to process the fact that Paige thought she was in the one in the wrong. That entire two weeks I had been convinced that she was mad at me, yet she had thought I was the one angry at her. I hadn't been able to work out why she'd felt that way so I'd had to ask, trying to work out what was going through that gorgeous head of hers.

'Well the punch in the face was a bit of a giveaway'. Her words had flared up the pit of guilt swirling in me and I'd grimaced with shame, not able to find the words to explain why I had.

Before I had been able to find a way to explain Paige had continued talking, but had looked down at the floor as she'd spoken, her words soft and tentative. 'I hurt you because I kissed you back, despite knowing you're in love with Emily'.

Her words had shocked me, and I'd automatically gone to correct her but caught myself as the realization had dawned on me. All the time we had been talking about my feelings for the person from my past, all the times she had advised me to tell them how I felt, she had thought that person was Emily. I had been curious as to how she had come to that conclusion so had asked her for clarification and watched her carefully as she replied.

'It had to be someone you trusted implicitly because you had been through too much to trust anyone new, and you and Emily had a friendship so close that at times even I was a little jealous'.

I'd frowned at her words because at the time I had been jealous of Paige's closeness to Emily, of the way Paige had been so dedicated in her pursuit of protecting Emily from harm, no matter the cost to herself. Paige had continued talking, her words filling me with a strange glow as she'd described why she thought I'd fallen for Emily, but had actually described herself. When she'd said that Emily was the only girl in Rosewood that fit the criteria I hadn't been able to help but laugh lightly, her obliviousness at just how amazing she is making her even more adorable to me.

Once I'd managed to get over the fact that Paige needed a serious ego boost, I'd thought of a conversation we'd had back when I hadn't known who she was and I'd had to ask about it. 'That night, before we...before I realized who you were; you were advising me to tell her how I felt. You told me to confess to Emily that I'm in love with her. Why?'

Paige had looked me in the eye, and with a heartfelt look on her face she had told me that she had accepted that her and Emily were over. I had remembered how excited she had always looked when she saw Emily, and I'd felt sadness that she'd had to lose her first love because of me. After that comment I had thought Paige couldn't get any cuter, but her next words had proved that she could.

'You deserve to be happy Spencer, and if Emily makes you happy then you deserve the chance to be with her. I would never stand in your way of that'.

I had been stunned, Paige was willing to forgo even the possibility of ever having a chance with Emily again, just so that I could be happy. I'd been so full of love that I had wanted to throw my arms around her right then and declare that she was the one that made me happy, but I'd known that we had to finish talking before I could do something so dramatic, so I'd settled for telling her that she never failed to surprise me instead.

Paige had responded by walking into the kitchen and retrieving a bottle of whiskey from one of the cupboards, putting a glass down next to me as she'd returned. I had never pictured Paige as a whiskey drinker and had voiced my surprise, finding myself horrified when she'd said that she suffered such bad nightmares that she had used alcohol as an anesthetic just to be able to sleep. Paige had sipped her drink and said in a voice full of barely controlled emotion that it would be the first time she had spoken to anyone about the night she had been hurt, and that no one knew the real truth. Her words had made me extremely nervous, and I'd taken a sip of the drink by my side. I'd regretted it almost immediately as the harsh liquor had burned its way down, making my eyes water and my throat burn.

I'd put the drink down and voiced my disbelief that Paige actually enjoyed drinking such stuff, hearing her say she didn't drink it for the flavor, but rather as a way of maintaining her sanity. She'd told me that she had never told anyone about that night, not even Hanna, because she didn't want her to look at her the way Emily had. The emotion in her voice as she'd said Emily's name, and the raw pain in her eyes had been so obvious that I'd wanted to wrap my arms around her and try to absorb some of it.

'Paige...' I'd not been able to contain myself any longer, especially when I'd seen her close her eyes to try and hold in the pain. I'd moved towards her as if there was some magnetic pull drawing me closer and knelt down in front of her. 'Paige. Please look at me'.

She'd opened her eyes and looked at me, the vulnerability in them plain to see. She'd looked nervous and had run her tongue over her lips, my will power unable to keep my eyes from following the unintentionally sensual movement. I'd forced myself to look away before I did something stupid like kiss her and focused on her beautiful, and fear filled, eyes once again.

'Paige, I know this must be painful for you to talk about; it's painful for me too'. I'd raised my hand and cupped her chin, every inch of me wanting to be able to draw her pain away with the simple caress. 'But I want you to know that you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty about'.

My words had seemed to unlock something in her as tears had rushed to fill her eyes, and overflowed to splash down her cheeks. Her voice had been so broken when she'd choked out her confession, the words sounding like they caused her physical pain as she'd said them. 'I have everything to feel guilty about. I didn't lie when I told you I have the blood of innocents on my hands Spencer, I do!'

She'd shaken her her head in order to remove my hand and had swiped angrily at the tears staining her face, as if she felt betrayed by their presence. I'd wanted to put my hand back on her face, to give her some sort of physical comfort because she had been clearly distressed but I'd feared making her more angry, so I'd simply kept it hovering in the air. I'd kept my voice soft as I talked, trying to show her that I was there to help her. 'Paige, you need to stop being so hard on yourself, it wasn't your fault'.

Paige had let out a sob of pure agony and closed her eyes as she'd spoken the words that had been tearing a hole in her soul for so long. 'I'm the reason Toby died!'

Her words had shocked me, I have to admit; but I'd immediately known in my heart that she would have died trying to protect Toby rather than be the one responsible for his death, so I had simply asked her to tell me what she meant by her statement. Paige had refused to look at me the entire time she had spoken, her had been eyes fixed on the ground by her feet but her mind had been in the past as she'd revealed to me the terrible truth about what had really happened to her that night.

I had listened in horror as Paige had confessed that both Mona and Toby were alive when she'd entered the building, and that she had been forced to witness both their deaths. Paige had told me the raw and unedited truth, and had not tried to hide the fact that she had meant to kill my father or Jason rather than just incapacitate them during her tussles with them, rather she had emphasized it as if she was confessing to some murderous trait she should be locked up for.

Paige had asked me for some space while she'd told me everything and I had granted it too her without question, moving to sit on the window sill again; and as I had listened to the guilt she clearly felt because of what, in her mind, she had done to me, I could see why my proximity to her had been an issue. I had cried almost the entire way through her explanation, my tears hot and silent as they'd ran down my cheeks, crying for all the pain this amazing girl has had destroying her the last few years.

'That's the reason I left Rosewood without seeing you'. She had sounded so weak as she had finished speaking, like the effort to tell me had drained her of all the energy she'd had left in her body. 'I'm responsible for the death of three people in your life; and I just couldn't face you. I felt...feel, so ashamed'.

I hadn't been able to stay away from her any longer and had walked over to her and knelt down in front of her again, my hand immediately resuming its position cupping her tear stained cheek. I had almost whispered her name, but it had been full of the love and compassion I'd felt for her and she had looked up at me immediately. Shock had been written all over her face, I guess because she'd thought I wouldn't want to go anywhere near her after I knew the truth, and it had made me smile because I'd known that had I not realized who she was she would have never told me, not wanting to inflict any more 'pain' on me.

Paige had taken in my tear stained face and I'd seen her lip start to wobble, her eyes filling up as she had clearly thought my tears were for myself rather than for her. 'I'm so sorry Spencer, I couldn't save him. It's all my fault, he died because of me!'

I hadn't been able take her pain any more so I'd let myself do the one thing I had been trying to stop myself doing since the moment I'd seen her in the warehouse wearing nothing but her workout gear. I'd kissed her.

I had kept the kiss as gentle and soft as possible, because I'd known that she was very fragile right then, but I'd felt myself get lost in it as my senses had risen up to embrace every shred of the moment while they could. I'd had no way of knowing if Paige would push me off or reciprocate, and I had been heartened to discover that she didn't resist, thought it had been the realization that she wasn't participating either that had made me pull away.

Her eyes had flown open and I had recognized the fear and panic in them, though the panic faded quickly once she'd registered that I wasn't moving. I had stayed still as her eyes had searched mine for answers, the fear still clear and bright in her eyes as she seemed to be looking for something in mine. She had frowned as though she had failed to find whatever it was she had been looking for and had tried once again to explain how Toby's death had been her fault, but I had not been willing to let her blame herself any longer and covered her lips with my thumb to stop her.

'Oh, McCullers. What am I going to do with you huh?' I'd heard the smile in my voice and had hoped she had too, wanting her to know that I wasn't angry or mad at her. All that time I had thought she hated me for letting her go into that building alone, but the reality had been she'd thought I hated her!

Paige had frowned at me and I'd known she didn't hear it, her guilt weighing too heavily on her still. I had run my thumb over her lips as I'd talked, the softness feeling like heaven again my skin. 'You ran because you thought I would hate you if you told me the truth'.

She'd nodded and I hadn't been able to help the tears that had sprung into my eyes at her ready agreement, though I'd known she would. 'Oh Paige, you big dummy. How could I hate you?'

The words had spilled out before I could stop them, my thoughts filling in the unfinished when I love you so much after I'd managed to control them. Paige had tried to speak around my thumb but I'd pressed down a bit more forcefully and stopped her in her tracks, wanting to say my piece before I gave up and just kissed her again. 'Hush now, it's my turn to talk'.

I'd waited until she nodded in agreement before I'd removed my hand, immediately moving to take both her hands in mine instead, my body needing to touch her so acutely that I couldn't stop myself. Her hands had been clenched into steel fists and I'd run my fingers over them gently, trying to avoid hurting her damaged hand, until they had relaxed and I could take both of them in mine. Paige had been watching my fingers as they'd stroked over her hands, a picture of amazement on her face, and when her eyes had returned to mine I'd seen such bewilderment and awe on them. I'd told Paige that I didn't hate her, that I just couldn't, but she again shouldered all the blame for that night.

'You should hate me, I provoked Jason and he killed Toby in revenge. If I had left without them realizing I was there Toby might still be alive, his death IS my fault. I lied and told the police that Mona and Toby were already dead when I got there because I couldn't stand everyone knowing it was my fault, that I let them die'. She had cried the words out, her guilt so far eschewed that she just couldn't believe that I didn't blame her.

'See, this is why you're a dummy...' I'd squeezed her hands gently, my thumbs rubbing her skin soothingly. 'My father shot you, and my brother tried to murder you; yet you still think you let me down'.

'But Toby...!'

I'd shaken my head to stop her and moved my hand to cover the bullet wound I had seen earlier when she was working out. 'You didn't let him die Paige, you almost got killed trying to save him. You were incredibly brave that night, and I'm glad Toby had you by his side at the end; it makes me feel better knowing that he wasn't alone with them'.

My voice had been quivering with emotion; thinking about Toby's death alongside the fact that Paige almost shared the same fate was something I hadn't allowed myself to do properly for years for fear of suffering another meltdown that would land me back in some facility, but knowing that Paige had been there to comfort Toby as he had slipped away had been a massive relief to me.

Paige had tried to apologize again and I'd told her to stop apologizing, which she had immediately apologized for, and I had burst out laughing at how adorable she was. My hand had seemed to move of its own volition as it had slid back to her face, my fingers seeking out the softness of her skin once again.

The laughter had died on my lips when my eyes had met Paige's again, the need and want I'd seen burning in her eyes had lit a torch in me that burned just as brightly, and I known that she could see a matching need shining in my eyes. Paige had placed her hand over the one I'd had on her cheek and I had almost jumped her right then, but I'd held myself in check until I'd had confirmation that it was what she wanted.

'Spencer...I need...' The way she had almost growled that need had tipped me over the edge and I had surged forward to claim her lips again, trying to convey not just comfort, but also love.

Paige had kissed me back just as ardently that time, and our kisses had become very heated, very quickly, our emotions running at an all time high due to the intense situation. I had felt Paige's hands disappear into my hair and then pull me closer, deepening the kiss and making me feel heady with desire. My hands had dropped to Paige's waist and grabbed handfuls of her top, pulling my body closer as I'd sought more contact. Paige had parted her legs so that I could slip between them and I'd gratefully accepted the silent invitation, my hands stroking down the breathtaking length of her thighs as they closed around me.

I have no idea how long we kissed for, but by the time we'd parted I had been dizzy with lack of oxygen yet missed her lips instantly, my eyes devouring the sight of her as she'd stared back at me with a need that I had only ever dreamed could exist in her eyes.

'This doesn't have to happen if you don't want it to. We can stop right now if you want'. Paige had said the words quietly, as if she would suddenly frighten me if she spoke too loudly, and I had been able to see that she meant them, even though her eyes had told me she wanted me. I'd sat back on my heels and looked at her, thinking about all the things I wanted to say in reply, a confession of my love being top of the list; but instead I'd decided that actions speak louder than words and pulled my top over my head.

Paige's reaction had been priceless, a mixture of shock and awe as her jaw had actually fallen open in surprise. I had giggled at her face, and hadn't been able to resist teasing her. 'You really want to stop?'

Paige's eyes had been transfixed on my torso, and her heated gaze as it had mapped my body had made me feel incredibly sexy, something I had never really felt before. She had stuttered as she'd tried to form a coherent reply, as if my body had managed to short circuit her brain. She'd had to tear her eyes away before she could speak properly, her eyes locking with mine again. 'You make me feel, Spencer. You make me feel things I never thought I would feel again'.

'What things?' I'd had to know.

'Hope. Happiness'. Her words had been full of happiness, her face lighting up as she'd spoken. 'You make me feel alive Spencer, like I might actually be able to look forward to life again'.

Her words had touched me so deeply, my heart feeling like it was finally beginning to heal.

'You almost make me feel hornier than I have in a LONG time'. She'd mumbled the words, but in the quiet room they had been perfectly audible, and they'd sent my heartbeat into overdrive.

I'd leaned towards Paige and run my hands up her thighs until I could loop my fingers through the belt straps on her pants and used the leverage to pull my body tight against hers. I had seen the desire leap in Paige's eyes at my movement, and her breath had sped up as I'd brought my lips almost flush against hers. I'd stopped a hairs breath away so that I could whisper my words to her, feeling the anticipation of kissing her again building in my chest. 'Well...we better see what we can do to remedy that'.

As soon as I'd finished speaking I had joined our lips and pressed against her, applying gentle pressure so that she had leaned back until she was laying prone on the bed, her hands settling on my waist as I had risen above her and straddled her hips. I had placed my hands on the mattress either side of her head, holding myself upright as I'd unleashed my desire, finally able to kiss Paige the way I had yearned to do for so many years.

The memory of that night, of the way Paige had explored every inch of my body, her husky voice whispering all the things she wanted to do to me, is enough for my body to start getting aroused again, and I have to fight the urge to wake her by running my lips over her body so that I could experience it all again.

With difficulty, given the fact that we have just shared another incredible night together, I push the memory away and focus on what the hell I am going to do now.

As I had fallen asleep that night I had thought everything had magically become perfect, that when we awoke I would confess to Paige that she was the one I actually loved and wanted to be with, and that she would reciprocate my feelings. I remember my last thought had been that I had finally realized why Emily had always had a smile on her face when she'd talked about Paige, because that had definitely been the best sex of my life.

Waking to find Paige wasn't in the bed hadn't alarmed me straight away, figuring she had just nipped out to grab some food or something as she had nothing for breakfast, and had left her a flirty message on her voice mail. It wasn't until I'd rolled over to hug her pillow, my sappy side wanting to inhale the scent of her, that I had felt the letter that must of slipped under the covers as I'd slept. Even then I'd assumed it was a little love note, explaining that she had just popped out and that I shouldn't worry, which made the real contents so much more painful to read.

Spencer,

Please first understand that doing this is beyond difficult for me, and causing you more pain is the last thing I EVER want to do, but I feel that this is necessary for both of us. I am truly sorry for leaving this way.

When I left Rosewood I did it with the belief that I would never lay eyes on you again, and have lived the past few years believing that you hated me for what I did to you and those you loved. I cannot begin to express in words how grateful I am to know that you don't hate me, and even thought what I told you was painful to hear you still took the time to console and comfort me. Your kindness and compassion have stemmed the darkness that was threatening to take over my life, and I will be indebted to you for the rest of my life, but you are a reminder of my past, and the past is still a painful place for me.

I didn't lie when I said that I would never stand in the way of you and Emily being together, but right now I'm not strong enough to be a part of it either.

You are a truly remarkable woman Spencer, and I know you are destined to do great things in this world.

Paige.

I had tried calling her as soon as I had finished reading but only got her voice mail again. I hadn't known what else to say apart from begging her to come back so had hung up straight after, but over the next few hours I had left numerous messages and sent countless text messages, the contents ranging from begging, to angry, and back again; but as the hours had ticked by I'd grown more and more resigned to the fact that I would not hear from her again. I had eventually forced myself from her bed and got dressed, pulling on the hoodie I had peeled off her body the night before as I had wanted to try and retain her scent for as long as possible.

I had sent her one last message, imploring her to just let me know she was ok so that I could stop freaking out that something had happened to her, and telling her that I hoped we could be friends again someday, before I had admitted defeat and left her apartment. I had returned to my apartment reluctantly, and had spent the day going through every single photo I had from High School, gazing at the ones that Paige were in and trying to ignore the way she was draped over Emily in most of them. I hadn't realised I was crying until the tears had dropped off my cheeks and splashed onto the pictures spread over my bed, my heart no longer able to contain the crushing disappointment I'd felt at being abandoned so unexpectedly after such an amazing night. I had curled up into a ball amid the scattered photos and cried myself hoarse, letting out all the sorrow and heartbreak I had felt.

I hadn't realised I'd fallen into a restless sleep until my ringing phone roused me from it, the shrill noise had sent a bolt of desperate hope careening through my body as I'd scrambled to find it, my heart in my mouth as I'd finally found it buried beneath a pile of photos that had slipped onto the floor. I'd let out a gasp as I'd registered that it was message from Paige, and with hands that were shaking with nerves I had unlocked my phone and opened the message.

I'm sorry for leaving but I couldn't stay. It was better this way, for both of us. I hope some day you can forgive me. You'll always be special to me Spencer, nothing will ever change that and you'll always be my friend. Tell Emily how you feel, you both deserve to be happy. Be strong Hastings, go get your girl. Goodbye.

I had read that message over an over, my heart aching with the knowledge that she still believed I was in love with Emily. I should of just told her straight away that it was her I wanted, but I had been so scared that she was still angry at me for the past that I hadn't been willing to risk my heart right off the bat, and once things had progressed to the naked stage I hadn't wanted to scare her off by dropping the L word in the middle. I had thought I could tell her in the morning, maybe while we were still cuddled up in bed, before or after morning sex would have depended on how long I could stop myself jumping her again.

If Paige had returned one of my many calls I probably would of confessed over the phone, but I just hadn't been able to tell her something of that magnitude in a text message or a voice mail. At least on the phone I would have been able to get some idea of her reaction, but if I'd sent a message telling her I loved her and never got a response it would have eaten away at me for the rest of my life. Instead I had thought for a long time about my reply before I'd managed to compose one I was happy with, thought it didn't compare to to being able to speak to her.

I understand your reasons for leaving so there is nothing to be forgiven for, but I wish you'd stayed and talked to me instead of disappearing while I was in a sex coma! You helped me in ways I didn't even know I needed helping in, and you have shown me a way back to love, so thank you. I have every intention of getting my girl Paige, I can promise you that. Until we meet again xxx

I had thought a bit of lighthearted banter was better than accusations of abandonment, in the great scheme of things that night had been no more than a one night stand after all. Admittedly it was a strange one night stand on account of the fact that we weren't strangers, and that we had a very complicated history, but I had known Paige didn't owe me anything; in fact after receiving the most intense orgasm of my life, I felt like I owed her. I had added the last part because I had known that Paige had been right with her advice; I needed to reveal my feelings to the one I loved or it would consume me for the rest of my life, Paige just hadn't realized it was herself she was counseling me to tell.

My greatest task had been how I was going to find Paige, because she could have been clear across the country for all I knew, she'd had a big enough head start. The only lead I had been able to think of had been Hanna, because she was the only person that Paige kept in contact with. I had deleted Hanna's number after our spat back in Rosewood when she had refused to reveal any details about Paige's whereabouts, and I'd known that she'd been just as tight lipped this time too, but I had hoped that if I confessed to her that I was in love with Paige she would relent and help me find her. I hadn't wanted to call Emily because I'd known she would want to know why I deleted Hanna's number in the first place, but had figured I might be able to distract Aria long enough to get the number without revealing why I needed it.

Aria had been excited by my call, and as soon as I had mentioned needing Hanna's number she has launched into a long winded explanation, the gist of which had been that Emily was currently in New York with Hanna because of some internship and that Aria was on her way there too and how would I like to tag along to make it a proper reunion.

I had agreed immediately which shocked Aria a bit, the silence on the end of the line testament to her wordless state. I had fed her some line about being in the area anyway and had agreed a rendezvous point in New York where we could meet up. I really hadn't fancied a reunion with all the girls but had known Hanna would have a harder job refusing me in person than on the end of the phone; her will power always crumbled when someone was stood in front of her asking for help, so had decided that I would just have to slap my armor back on and dodge as many questions about my personal life as possible without raising suspicion.

Meeting up with the girls hadn't been as painful as I'd thought; I'd packed a small bag and caught the train down to Grand Central, meeting Aria on the concourse of the station when her train pulled in, and we'd headed over to Hanna's apartment after a quick stop to pick up a couple of bottles of wine. I had been a bit disappointed to discover Hanna hadn't been in when we arrived, but I'd figured that I wouldn't of been able to get any time alone with her straight away anyway so had pushed down the anxiety that kept trying to escape and tried to focus on the conversation.

I had excused myself to the bathroom as soon as Emily had asked me what I had been doing with myself since Rosewood, telling her that she should break out the wine while I was gone and had retreated to the relative safety of the lockable room to try and wait until Aria and Emily had fallen into another conversation before returning. I had been in there less than thirty seconds when I had heard the front door open and the unmistakable sound of Hanna's voice shouting Aria's name at full volume.

The sounds of an overexcited Hanna had filtered through the door and I hadn't been able to help smiling at the sound despite feeling nervous about how she was going to react to seeing me, her never ending supply of enthusiasm had always been one of the things that I admired about her so much. I'd flushed the toilet as that was my reason for being in there and ran my hands under the tap before drying them, not wanting to be accused of not washing my hands after using the facilities.

I'd opened the door and Hanna's voice had become legible once wasn't blocked by the solid barrier. 'Did you bring your boyfriend too?'

Her words had made me smile and I'd decided to reveal my presence with humor to try and lessen the shock. 'I know I've filled out since you last saw me Hanna, but am I really that butch now?'

My voice had been full of teasing, the confidence in my body sky high after Paige's whispered words of appreciation for it, and I had been hoping that if I showed I was in a jokey mood she would know there was no hard feelings.

Hanna's reaction had been one of shock, her eyes had gotten huge and she'd just stood there gaping at me for a few seconds before she could pull herself together. She'd eventually replied by telling me she thought I looked amazing and I'd smiled at her, telling her she hadn't looked too bad herself, but then I'd seen her eyes flick to the front door.

I'd been so focused on making my reunion with Hanna go well that I had completely missed the fact that the door was still open, and that someone was standing in the archway. I'd looked across expecting to see Caleb and had been stunned to find that the figure in the doorway was the very person I had come to ask Hanna to help me find.

I had felt my eyes go wide as I recognized Paige, the shock that tore through at seeing her again quickly morphing into desire. All I'd wanted to do was throw my arms round her and kiss her until we were both dizzy before shouting at the top of my lungs that it was HER I wanted, not Emily. The fact that Emily had been sitting a mere two feet from me made that impossible, so I'd had to use all the willpower I could find to keep me in place, my muscles straining under the effort it required to stand perfectly still.

Paige had seemed relaxed as she'd entered the apartment and placed the bags she had been carrying down on the floor so she could close the door, as if finding me here was no bigger deal than finding Aria here. The thought had stung slightly, but I still hadn't stop my eyes from devouring the sight of her beautiful face as she'd turned back to face me.

'Hey Hastings, it's good to see you again'. She given me a little smile as she'd spoken, and that, combined with the sound of her gorgeous voice had made my heart leap as bolts of arousal shot through my body, making me want to squirm at how turned on just her voice could get me.

Looking at her, standing so close yet so far away still, had caused my willpower to weaken as all I'd wanted to do was drag her to the nearest bed and had actually taken a step towards her before I'd remembered the four sets of eyes staring at us and had stopped, knowing that Paige would not of appreciated a heartfelt declaration of love in front of her ex girlfriend. I'd reasserted my control over my willpower and forced myself to act relaxed by responding casually that I was surprised to see her.

Paige had said she was surprised to see me too, and I'd known that she had to be wondering what I was doing there, but my reply was hijacked by Aria. Unfortunately for me she'd told the room that I had called her looking for Hanna's number but she didn't know why, which made all sets of eyes lock on to me, looking for an answer. My eyes had flicked to Paige against my will but I had quickly looked past her, not wanting to give anything away. My gaze had landed on Emily next and an excuse popped into my head, the words blurted out of my mouth before I'd stopped to consider how it would sound to Paige.

Emily had smiled at my words, her eyes full of warmth at my supposed thoughtfulness about her birthday, but all I had seen was Paige as she had averted her face so that she wouldn't have to see Emily glowing at me. Paige had thought I was trying to find a way into Emily's life by talking to Hanna, the logical choice as she knew everything about Emily. I'd wanted so desperately to scream that it wasn't true, that it was Paige I had wanted to talk about, but I'd had to yet again bit my tongue and stayed silent.

Aria had raved about how she'd had the idea for the reunion because we'd not all seen each other for so long and I had suddenly remembered that this was a sleepover deal, the image of Paige in nothing but sleepwear making my throat go dry. 'I hope we're not an imposition for you Hanna; we can easily get a hotel seeing as it's going to be a little cramped here'.

I'd tried to sound apologetic, hoping that I could talk Aria into the idea of staying at a hotel because if someone had suggested Paige and I share a room I hadn't thought I could composed.

'I didn't realize you were here too Paige', Aria had looked at Paige, then at Emily. 'Emily didn't mention it on the phone'.

Emily had jumped up off the sofa and started assigning rooms before Hanna had been able to respond to my proposal, her voice high and squeaky as she'd immediately assigned Aria the couch, which left two beds and four people to share them. Emily obviously hadn't been about to assign herself to share with Paige, which in my mind had meant she would be sharing with Hanna and I would be sharing with Paige, but to my surprise she had turned to me and said that Paige was already sharing with Hanna which meant I would be sharing with her.

'I hope you're still a snuggler, I've missed you Spence'. My breath had just about died in my throat when Emily had said those words, and I had just stood there staring at her thinking that there was no way I could refuse without it looking weird. Emily is one of my best friends, I've shared a bed with her countless times and to say no would of involved a lot of explaining.

Emily had then suggested catching up with everyone and patted the seat next to her, asking Paige to sit next to her. There was a hint of the old Emily in her voice as she'd spoken, and I known immediately that Emily still liked Paige. Disappointment had shot through me like a tidal wave and I'd felt sick, knowing that I would never be able to compete for Paige's affections against her first love. Hanna had been my unexpected savior by saying that Paige owed her a foot massage because she'd lost a bet and had taken the seat next to Emily, the look on Emily's face confirming my assumption that she was still into Paige. I had been relieved that I wouldn't have to watch Emily cozy up to Paige, because I known I wouldn't of been able to handle it if Paige responded.

We has spent the next little while finding out what everyone had been up to, and thanks to Emily's inquiry earlier, I'd had a story prepared. I'd told the girls that I had taken a year off college because I'd been offered the chance to intern at a law firm in New Haven, but my boss had been a creep so quit after six months and now was just killing some time before heading back to school. The other girls seemed to buy it but Paige had been gazing at a spot on the carpet and frowning slightly, a cute little crease on her forehead.

'So what about you Paige?'

Aria's voice had made Paige jump slightly, her eyes swinging up to focus on the girl. I had seen the confusion in them and wondered at it, wishing I knew what she was thinking. Aria had teased Paige about getting knocked out by the smell of Hanna's feet and repeated her question when Paige had admitted to zoning out of the conversation.

I had looked at Paige with concern, worried that Aria had just put her on the spot, but she'd only had a couple of seconds of silence before she spoken up. 'I er...I take photos'.

Her words had surprised me and I'd looked at her in confusion.

'What kind of photos?' Emily had voiced my thoughts.

Paige had explained that she took photos of whatever interested her, but mainly people, which made Emily get really excited and had asked to see some, her face lighting up at the prospect of getting a glimpse at what Paige has been doing with herself the past few years. Paige had said she didn't have anything with her and I had thought that would be the end of it, but the pout Emily gave made Paige laugh and say that she did have something she could show her.

Paige had asked Hanna for her laptop and as soon as she had got up from the sofa Emily had dived into her spot and placed her hand on Paige's knee as she had fawned over her. I had been unable to stop myself from staring at Emily's hand as I had felt jealousy swarm through me at the unfairness of it all. She was her ex, she shouldn't be allowed to touch Paige so easily anymore. I'd had to fight the urge running through my body that wanted nothing more than to rip her hand off of Paige's skin and scream at her not to touch my girl, reminding myself over and over that she wasn't my girl.

Hanna's return with the laptop meant Paige thankfully removed her knee from Emily's sweaty paws so that she could place the computer on it, seemingly oblivious to Emily drooling over her and my death stare at her ex as she'd bantered with Hanna about over sharing details of her sex life. I had almost hugged Hanna when she wedged herself back into her original spot and forced Emily to move away, the dirty look Emily shot her not being missed by my eagle eyes.

Paige had brought up a website and I'd seen Emily's eyes widen in surprise, her grumpiness at having her spot next to Paige usurped forgotten as she taken in what was on the screen.

'Oh wow!' Emily had practically squashed Hanna in her attempt to get a better look and I'd watched as Paige had relinquished the computer to Hanna to save her from being totally flattened, standing up so that Aria could take her spot next to Hanna and look too.

Paige had been looking at the three girls and hadn't heard me walk up behind her, my words making her jump despite the fact I'd practically whispered. 'You never told me you were a photographer'.

Paige had taken a step forward as she'd turned, putting a noticeable space between us that had made me think she was uncomfortable with me being so close. I had tried to not let it affect me, but I had failed, especially after seeing how ok she was with having Emily so close.

'Taking a few pictures so I could build my cover story for getting a place to rent wasn't exactly high on my list of things to talk about once you found out who I was, I guess it must of slipped my mind'. She had spoken in a similar low tone as I had, but her words had been sharp, almost cutting in their defensiveness and they made me feel like absolute shit.

I had almost said something mean to her, a sharp barb to try and cover up the fact that her attitude had hurt me had been on the tip of my tongue, but I'd bitten it back as had Aria looked our way to tell Paige how amazing she thought the photos were. Hanna had agreed with Aria, the love and pride she felt for Paige shining brightly in her eyes.

Paige had been demure in her acceptance of the praise like always, down playing it as simply a way to pay her way. I had been happy that Paige was receiving praise, until Emily had done it too. Emily had looked at Paige like she was the new Messiah or something, her face painted with adoration for Paige as she had gushed about her being such a talented photographer, and it had pissed me off to the point where I had actually said out loud when I was thinking.

Thankfully my mumbled because you're the worlds leading expert on photography(!) had been said low enough that Paige couldn't of heard, but my embarrassment at letting my emotions slip had forced me to take action and I had stomped over to the sofa to look at the damn photos for myself.

Emily had offered up her spot on the sofa which I had slid into it with a less than heartfelt thanks as I had commandeered the laptop from Hanna, my eyes already locked onto the picture displayed on the screen. I had gazed at each picture in growing amazement, and had grudgingly had to agree with Emily's assessment, Paige WAS an amazingly talented photographer. The photo's were so skillfully captured, the vitality and sheer joy of the moment she had photographed had almost leaped out of the screen at you, the photo making you wish you could step into it so that you could experience that moment with them.

I had looked up to tell Paige how amazing I thought she was but the words had immediately died on my tongue, the image of Emily wrapped in Paige's arms causing a vise to close painfully around my heart. I had seen Paige squeeze Emily gently, her face buried in her hair as she hugged her and I'd felt Jealousy overwhelm me again, pure rage at the fact that it should be me in Paige's arms, not her.

I had looked away the second I'd seen Paige break the embrace and fixed my eyes back on the computer, though everything had been hazy due to the liquid filling my eyes. I'd had to work hard to get my emotions back under control, and had chastised myself for going all single white female over a simple hug.

'Let's liven things up, how about a little spin the bottle!' Aria had suddenly popped out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine in her hands and I'd rolled my eyes at her, it had been a long time since we'd gotten drunk together and I'd forgotten how quickly her pint sized body got intoxicated.

Rather surprisingly Hanna had been the one to try and talk Aria out of the idea, when in previous years she had always been the one egging her on. I had assumed that her sudden switch was more to do with the fact that she was trying to protect Paige from potentially having to kiss Emily rather than a sudden maturity growth spurt, but whatever the reason I was grateful for it; because I was pretty sure that if I'd had to watch the two of them kiss I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from throwing Emily out the window in a fit of jealous rage.

'In case you hadn't noticed, we're all female'. Hanna's attempt to reason with Aria was a valid one considering only two of the five were actually gay, well three but no one knew about my...proclivity for the fairer sex except Paige, and I was sure she wasn't going to offer that up.

'So? Emily and Paige like kissing girls, and I've kissed plenty during spin the bottle at college. You're always complaining about not getting hit on by girls, and I'm sure Spencer wouldn't mind...' Aria had clearly been very drunk, but her counterargument had been pretty much on the nose.

'It might be fun'. Emily had given Paige a look that made my hands clench into fists, her eyes clearly picturing her lips on Paige's.

Hanna had vetoed spin the bottle, as well as Aria's next suggestion which was strip poker, because only Paige and I raised our hands when she asked who knew how to play. I hadn't volunteered the information but I'd already known Paige could play before Hanna asked, because I'd taught her during the course of her visits to me in rehab.

'Truth or dare?'

'No'.

'Aww come on, we gotta do something drunken during our reunion, it's like the law or something!'

I had kept quiet so far, but the sudden realization that I had no idea when we would all be together again had made me speak up. 'What about never have I ever?'

Everyone had looked at me in surprise, but I'd felt calm under their gaze because I had suggested it with an ulterior motive, and I'd known that it was the perfect way of setting my plan to woo Paige in motion.

Aria and Hanna had sourced the necessary supplies, and once she had dug out a bottle of dodgy looking tequila for the shots Hanna had chosen to sit on the other side of me to Emily, flopping down onto the seat next to me as she had warbled that we were all going to get trashed, but that Aria was going to be first.

Aria started things off and we'd all drank except her, the bitter liquid burning as it cut down my throat and made my eyes sting. Emily had looped her arm through mine as she said the next one and I'd felt bad for my murderous thoughts about her, knowing that she'd had no idea of my feelings for her former girlfriend.

It was my go next and I'd decided on something tame, picking dying your hair as my never have I ever question as I'd known both Hanna and Paige would have to drink. I had been right in my assumption and I'd smirked with triumph, but the sight of Paige licking the edges of her lips after her shot had made me squirm in my seat when I'd felt myself getting aroused by memories of that tongue on my body.

Hanna went after me and had thrown out the question I had been waiting for, knowing that it would inevitably be said at some point in the game. 'Never have I ever...kissed a girl'.

I'd lifted my shot glass and downed the drink, but slowed my movements down so that there was no way it could not be noticed. I'd known I had succeeded when Emily had swiveled in her seat to face me and exclaimed her surprise. 'When?!'

'Which time?' I'd put my glass back on the table and had deliberately been as obvious as possible with my answer, making sure they all knew it wasn't a drunk one time thing.

I had desperately wanted to look at Paige to see how she had reacted but I hadn't trusted myself enough to not give the game away so I had stayed focused on Emily as she had asked if I was suddenly gay.

I'd rolled my eyes at her and told her that she of all people should know you don't just 'turn gay'.

'I didn't mean it like that, I just...well its a bit of a shock is all. How long have you known?' Emily had been the only one asking me questions, I guess because Hanna and Aria had felt like they would be less intrusive coming from a gay person.

Emily's questions hadn't bothered me because I had decided when I'd suggested the game that step one in my plan to win Paige was going to be coming out to my friends. 'I guess I've always known I like girls as well, I just never let myself entertain the idea before'.

Aria had joked that we really should of played spin the bottle and I had smiled at her, drunk Aria was always amusing.

'Wow, that's big news. Thank you for sharing it with us'. Emily had put her hand on my knee as she'd spoken, her eyes full of understanding, and I again felt like a tool for wanting to throw her out of the window just for hugging her ex girlfriend.

Aria being Aria, and on top of that drunk Aria, had of course asked what my type was; and I'd kicked myself for not thinking this far ahead. I had stuttered as I had been unable to think of a way to avoid answering, especially as Aria had pushed to know specifics. 'Come on, spill! Blonde or brunette? Short, tall, butch, femme?'

I had been able to tell Paige was looking at me with interest and I had not been able to stop the blush that had crept up my cheeks as I kept picturing her naked above me. I had spoken softly and kept my eyes on Aria as I'd described my perfect girl, though all I had really wanted to do was point at Paige and say HER. 'Brunette, strong, sexy, funny, slightly goofy, incredibly kind, passionate and adorable'.

'It sounds like you have someone specific in mind with that description'. Aria's voice had been teasing, but I had looked away in case my eyes had flicked to Paige against my will.

'She just described you Paige'. My breath had caught in my throat at Emily's words, my heart simultaneously stopping and going into overdrive at the thought that Emily had just outed my feelings for Paige. Emily had smiled over at Paige and I'd realized she was using the opportunity to flirt with her, my description a perfect chance for Emily to flatter Paige without being too overt, rather than calling me out on my too obvious attraction to Paige which had been the first thing I'd thought.

Paige had smiled softly at Emily and told her that she had thought I was talking about her, the compliment making Emily blush with pleasure. I had sat there staring into space as I had thought about the genuine affection the pair of them obviously still held for each other, and wondered if they were soul mates that were destined to find their way back to each other in the end. I had seriously contemplated not wooing Paige at all because I hadn't wanted to interfere with true love; but then the memory of the night I'd spent with Paige had entered my mind and made me blush all over again, that time with the certainty that Paige wasn't Emily's soul mate, because she was mine.

'Don't worry Paige, I won't let Spencer jump your bones in the middle of the night if that's what you're worried about'.

Emily's words had jolted me from my musings and I had looked between her and Paige in horror, terrified that I had verbalised some of my inner musings without realizing. 'What? No! That's not what I...'

I had stopped when Emily had burst out laughing, my cheeks burning red once I'd worked out that she was simply teasing me. 'It's not nice to tease people you know'.

Emily had laughed and given me a hug. 'I'm sorry Spence, I just couldn't resist. It's not every day I discover one of my best friends likes girls, and by the sounds of it the same type of girls too'.

'Yeah, well I mean not exactly the same, surely'. Her words had raised my embarrassment levels even higher at the implication and I had been very grateful that she couldn't read my mind, otherwise she would have found out just how alike our taste in girls really ran.

Paige had suddenly stood up and I had freaked out that she was going to storm out, fearing that she has misconstrued the meaning behind my words as she still believed that it was Emily I was on about.

'Paige, don't leave'. Paige had turned at the sound of her name and I had realized that the words had slipped out of my mouth, my voice thick with the worry that she would disappear again.

Paige had looked at me with curiosity in her eyes, scanning my face as if she had been try to work something out, but Aria had broken her focus by telling her that it was her turn to play. Her shoulders had slumped as she'd looked away from me and she seemed like she wanted nothing more than to crawl into the nearest bed and sleep for a week, but she had still sat back down and raised her shot glass.

'Never have I ever...been lucky in love'.

Emily had been the first to react to Paige's words, letting out a gasp of hurt before she'd stomped out of the room and into her bedroom. Paige had looked gutted and had gone to follow Emily but Hanna had stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. 'Stay there stupid, I'll sort this out'.

Paige's voice had been full of remorse as she had begged Hanna to tell Emily that she was sorry, her face clearly showing just how sorry she had been for offending Emily. Aria had drunkenly teased Paige that she was in trouble, the alcohol in her system making her immune to just how hurt Paige was. Paige had rolled her eyes at Aria's words and mumbled that she needed to wash the taste of foot out of her mouth as she downed the shot still in her hand.

'She'll forgive you'. I had spoken softly, the words heartfelt but also painful,and I hadn't been able to look at Paige as I said them. I had wanted to offer her comfort but had been scared that I would let my true feelings show so had kept my eyes on the floor in front of me as I'd spoken.

Aria had released a loud snore before Paige responded and I had looked up at Paige's words. 'It looks like the party is over for this one, I think she's going to need that couch sooner than anticipated'.

I had moved from the sofa as Paige had scooped Aria up in her arms without effort, the small girl seeming weightless in Paige's strong arms. I'd watched in silence as Paige had gently settled Aria onto the couch and proceeded to remove her shoes and earrings to make sure she was comfortable before fetching a blanket to cover her with, and had even gathered some aspirin and a bottle of water which she'd placed on the table in front of the couch so that Aria could see them in the morning. Her thoughtfulness had been so sweet, the care and kindness for Aria's welfare so endearing, that I had really wanted to kiss her for being so cute.

'She'll be grateful to you in the morning'. I'd stood behind Paige as I'd spoken, for once able to look at her without having to guard my expression.

Paige replied quietly, the humor in her voice subtle as she'd talked. 'We've all been there. I'm just making sure she doesn't ruin the couch, there is nothing less conducive to sleep than sharing a bed with Hanna when she's in a mood'.

'You could always share mine'. I'd reached out and stroked my fingers down her back, my tone full of teasing to cover how much just touching her again affected me.

Paige had taken a step forward as she'd spoken and shook her head, her words full of self loathing. 'I doubt Emily would appreciate you offering her bed out to people that insult her'.

'Oh hush, you know Emily can't stay mad at you. She's probably already forgiven you and is thinking up ways to apologize for walking off in a huff'.

I'd tried to jolly Paige out of her mood by keeping my tone light, but she had been deadly serious as she'd chastised herself and I'd known that my teasing wasn't going to work so had become as serious as she had been as I'd continued to speak.

'You didn't mean it the way it came out. Everyone knows you and Emily were great together, and that she made you incredibly happy. She still cares for you, a lot; it's blatantly obvious'. I'd had to look away as I'd said the last part, the jealously I'd felt earlier coming back to color my voice.

Paige had responded by saying that her and Emily had been over for a long time and that they had both moved on, the words said with confidence, but from personal experience I knew how oblivious Paige could be when someone was in to her so I had elaborated on my observations.

'It didn't seem that way from where I was sitting. It sounded like she wouldn't be adverse to revisiting the past'. The words had stung as I'd said them, the truth biting into my already fragile heart.

Paige had looked away guiltily and I'd wondered for a moment if she had been aware of the flirting Emily had been throwing her way, but she had gone on to assure me that she no longer felt the kind of love for Emily that could ever be anything more than friends. Her words had been sweet, I'd known she was trying to reassure me because she thought I was in love with Emily, but after seeing the two of them together I'd known that Emily would always be important to her.

'She was your first love Paige, it's understandable that there would still be some residual spark between the two of you'. I had turned away as I'd spoken so that Paige couldn't see the look on my face, the pain at saying the words hurting more than I'd thought it would. Doubt at my own self worth had coursed through me again, my mind filled with a dozen reasons why I couldn't compete with what they had, and my confidence had plummeted until it was almost non existent.

Paige had taken me by surprise when she'd spun me around and told me to look at her, her husky voice extremely sexy in its demand. I had tried to turn my head away for fear she would see the truth in my eyes, and that I would see rejection in hers, but Paige had cupped my face with both her hands and held it in place.

'Look at me Spencer!'

Her words had been demanding but still very persuasive, and I'd had to grit my teeth together as hard as I could in an effort to keep my eyes turned away. Paige's thumbs had started to stroke across my cheeks, the sensation feeling like heaven as they'd tried to coax me into relaxing and Paige has softened her tone as she'd continued to speak. 'You're so damn stubborn Hastings, why can't you just look at me when I want you to?'

Because if I see in your eyes that you don't want me it will KILL me I'd thought at the time, my silent reply thumping loudly in my own ears.

Despite myself I hadn't been able to stop my body melting under Paige's ministrations, but had kept my eyes averted and looking at a spot on the far wall. Paige's voice had lowered even more, the husky tone playing havoc with my senses and for a moment I hadn't registered the words as I had been so focused on the chills coursing through my body, but as soon my brain registered what Paige was saying my eyes had flown to hers in shock.

'…... your outside is simply a reflection of the beautiful soul you have within you and it radiates through every fiber of your being'.

Paige had looked me straight in the eye, her words full of emotion as she'd talked, and I had felt a tear escape my eye as I had registered the sincerity in hers, my heart almost bursting with joy at the words pouring out of Paige's mouth.

Paige had wiped my tear away gently as she'd continued to talk.'You're amazing Spencer; truly, truly amazing, and whoever you give your heart to should feel incredibly lucky to be worthy of being loved by such an exceptional woman. I am proud to know you Spencer, and feel incredibly lucky to be able to say I have been changed for the better by having you in my life. You deserve nothing but happiness and love, and Emily better treat you like the Greek Goddess you truly are or I will kick her butt from here to kingdom come!'

Her unexpected words, and the utter confidence in her voice as she had said them, had combined to cause an avalanche of tears to flood down my cheeks, my whole being filled with warmth at the knowledge that she felt this way about me. I had stood there stupefied with shock, my every defense smashed to pieces by Paige's words; and I had known that that was the moment, my moment, to tell Paige the truth.

I had reached out to Paige and cradled her face in my hands, my body feeling weaker and stronger than I had ever felt before as I'd looked into her eyes, my love for her shining out of me without any filters. 'Paige...I lo...'

'Ok, crisis averted!' Hanna's sudden appearance was like a nuclear bomb detonating in a room full of mirrors, my fragile emotions disintegrated by the realization that I had about to confess my love for Paige while we were trapped in a house with three other people, one of whom was Paige's ex girlfriend. We'd both jumped apart and stood avoiding the others eye as Hanna had walking in chattering away, though she had quickly realized that she had interrupted something.

Paige had excused herself by saying she was heading to bed and had gone to leave but I had stopped her by placing my hand on her arm, not wanting her to leave without thanking her for her kind words. 'That was...' I'd had to stop and take a breath to try and control the quiver in my voice, though just being that close to Paige left me unable to breath properly. 'No one has ever made me feel that way before, like just being me is enough. Thank you Paige, it means so much to me'.

Paige had stared straight ahead as I'd talked and I had worried that she somehow regretted saying them, but as soon I had finished she had spoken, her voice low and gravelly. 'It's not just enough Spencer, it's everything. Never let anyone convince you otherwise'.

As soon as the words were out she had walked away, my hand slipping off her arms easily due to me being frozen to the spot in amazement. I had stood rooted to the spot until Hanna had coughed awkwardly, her face alight with curiosity about Paige and I's exchange. I had managed to mumble out a half hearted goodnight and retreated to Emily's room, my heart still thumping wildly in my chest.

To head off Emily wanting to discuss anything to do with Paige I had told her I was exhausted as soon as I'd entered the room, slipping into bed and pulling the covers over my head as soon as I'd finished using the bathroom and had changed into my pajamas. After such a roller coaster of a day I had wanted nothing more than to scream and hit something, or cry my eyes out until the hurt stopped, but instead I had laid on my side facing the wall as I feinted sleep while Emily curled into my back and threw her arm over my waist to cuddle me.

I had laid there for hours as my brain went crazy, looping the events of the last few hours over and over in my mind, analyzing and obsessing over each minute detail for a shred of hope that Paige might reciprocate my feelings.

I had eventually drifted off into a fitful sleep, but an overly realistic dream where I confessed my love to Paige only to have her laugh in my face and walk away had roused me just after 5am. I'd known that there was no way that I was going to be able to get back to sleep so I had silently slipped out of bed, grabbing some clothes as I went, and slipped into the hallway. I had gotten dressed in the living room quietly and mooched around for a bit, fought the urge to sneak into Hanna's room so that I could watch Paige sleep, and eventually crept out into the hall to steal the early addition of the morning paper from the doorstep of the neighbour two doors down.

I hadn't looked at the paper until I had set the coffee, and when I did I had been glad I wasn't holding a cup of something hot because I surely would of dropped it at that moment. I'd stared at that headline with my mouth open and my hand on my chest, the bold print slamming into my face with the weight of a wrecking ball. I'd read the whole article several times, my heart thumping wildly in my chest as the paper had detailed the crimes this hooded hero had thwarted.

I had felt shocked that Paige had gone out last night, but more than anything I had felt extremely scared. Paige had been drinking that night, and she had also been extremely emotional. There had been no way she could have been completely focused during her fights, something that could easily have gotten her killed. Guilt that I should have been there with her had bitten into me, and I'd admitted to myself that had I handled last night differently there would have been the possibility that I could have been by her side.

I'd spent the next hour alternatively feeling guilty and scared, the combination making the coffee I'd eventually managed to brew churn in my stomach like acid. Around six am I had crept back into Emily's room and gotten dressed, the professional looking pant suit I'd decided on feeling like a coat of armor to shield me from the world, but as soon as I had reentered the kitchen and seen that damn paper I had felt the fear start to surface again.

I can admit now that I didn't handle the exchange with Paige well, my fear that something could of happened to her had morphed into rage as soon as I had seen her shuffle her way through into the kitchen and I had switched back into take no prisoners Spencer, the one that joined the debate team because she liked tearing strips off of other people.

I had knowingly baited Paige by asking if she had slept well, my confidence that she would lie to me proven right immediately when she had said she had. Her blatant lie had riled me and I'd slapped the paper down in front of her, seeing her eyes widen in shock when she realized she'd been caught out, but then her attitude had changed to one of sarcastic defiance and she'd made a crack about getting a slap on the wrists for lying.

Her nonchalant reply had made me see red and my hand had tightened into a fist, the paper it was laying on top of getting scrunched up in the process, and I'd brought it up to wave in Paige's face as I'd raged at her. I'd lost control at one point and basically told her that she should grow up and admit that she'd not invincible, that she should accept that she needed to stop taking such stupid risks with her life before it got her seriously hurt.

I'd thrown the paper down in front of her and walked away, seriously worried that I might punch her again in my current mood, but a sarcastic laugh from behind me had me turning back around before I'd gone very far. Paige had been red in the face and looked like she wanted to punch me, her eyes burning with the rage clearly boiling inside her.

She had kept her voice low to try and not wake the three sleeping women residing in the apartment, but had still ripped into me with a burning intensity that had made me feel about two inches tall. When I had tried to explain why I was so upset, that she could have been hurt and I would of felt responsible, she had stopped me in my tracks by pulling up her T shirt and pointing to some of the various scars on her stomach. I had listened in horrified fascination as she had listed where and by who's hand she had received them, reeling off a litany of abuse as if she had been talking about wall swatches.

The blood had drained from my face as I had come face to face with the realization that Paige could have died many times over during the three years we had been apart and I wouldn't of known until I'd received the notification for her funeral, the image knocking all the anger from me straight away. Unfortunately Paige had built up a head of steam and every time I had tried to apologize Paige had cut me off , her anger at my questioning her ability to look after herself had unleashed a force that she hadn't held back, even throwing the fact that she'd saved my life in my face as an example of just how good she was at looking after herself.

Once Paige had finished her rant she had turned to storm out, and I had acted on instinct as I had stepped forward and shoved her against the door. She had spun around with her hands raised as if to defend herself from an attack, but I'd not been wanting to harm her, my intention had solely been to tell her that I was sorry for what I'd said but I'd thought that if she wouldn't let me say it, I would damn well show it.

My hands had tangled in Paige's hair as I'd kissed her forcefully, my body pressed into hers as I'd try to convey everything I had been unable to say, and I'd heard Paige moan a second before she started kissing me back. I'd felt her hands move to my waist, her fingers clutching my clothes and pulling me closer as her mouth had dueled with mine, the kiss almost bruising in its intensity.

I had no idea how long we had kissed for before I'd had to pull away, the faint spots dancing in front of my eyes indicating that my body had run out of oxygen and desperately needed replenishing. I had rested my forehead against Paige's as we had both panted for air, our lungs working overtime to pump new air through our systems before we passed out.

Once my body had recovered enough to speak I had lifted my head and looked at Paige, but she had immediately looked away. I'd tightened my hands in her hair and pulled her head up to face me, my voice soft as I'd spoken. 'Whatever else is going on in that gorgeous head of yours Paige, please try to remember that I care about you, deeply, and it would kill me if anything were to happen to you'.

I'd dropped one of my hands so that I could caress her face as I'd continued to apologize and had felt Paige lean into my hand. 'I didn't mean to lash out at you Paige, I'm sorry for that; but I swear my heart just about stopped when I saw that newspaper. There was me thinking you were tucked up safe next to Hanna all night, only to get a smack in the face with proof that you weren't. It terrified me that you could have been hurt, alone and with no one at your back. It made me feel so guilty that I lashed out as soon as I saw you'.

Paige had looked guilty and her cheeks had flushed at my words, her own sounding so small and needy as she had almost pleaded her case to me, whispering that I of all people should understand why she needs to do it. She had looked so broken, so unsure of me, that I had wanted to reclaim her lips until she knew for sure that I would find a way to give her the moon if she had asked me to, but I'd known that she needed verbal reassurance more than anything, and that's what I'd given her. I'd caught her eyes as I'd spoken, making sure that she could see the sincerity in mine. 'I would never try to stop you, I just want you to promise me that we will go together in future'.

I had smiled as the fight I'd seen in her had been disarmed by my words, her body stilling and only a small 'Oh' escaping her lips.

I had been unable to resist teasing her, the look on her face too adorable not too and had joked that I'd been able to make her speechless twice in almost as many days. My joke had backfired on me as I'd seen her eyes darken and a shudder of arousal had ripped through my body when Paige had let out a growl that was full of pure sexual need, her hands tightening around my waist in a possessive act of want.

I had almost been lost to the sensations Paige created in my body, my brain fogged over with desire, and I had actually closed my eyes and been about to let myself get taken against the door of Hanna's kitchen when I'd realized that Paige would think that it was just another random hook up. I'd shaken my head to try and clear the fog and taken a step back to try and regain my focus. Paige had let me go, her hands releasing their grip immediately, and I'd instantly wanted to step back into her embrace, but known that I had to be honest with her before things went any further.

'Paige, I think we should talk about what the other night meant for both of us before we...'

'It's cool Hastings, it didn't mean anything for me either'. I had been cut off before I could finish my sentence, Paige's words short circuiting my brain with shock. 'We both needed solace in that moment, but now that moment is over and we've moved on'.

'It is?...We have?' She had sounded so relaxed and calm about it, as if she had been talking about an innocent cuddle rather than the best sex of my life that I had been completely thrown, and she had crushed my hope of confessing my love when she'd added that she didn't get involved anymore, leaving me the one lost for words.

'I'm sorry I got a bit carried away a minute ago but I tend to respond when a gorgeous woman attaches her lips to mine!' She'd smiled and winked at me in a teasing way, her light hearted and jovial tone in stark contrast to the lead that had filled my heart, and I had felt like a complete idiot for ever thinking that she might had been interested in anything more than just a roll in the hay with me.

I'd stammered out an excuse that it was the first thing I could think of to get her to shut up and that it wouldn't happen again, looking away to avoid her seeing the tears that had gathered in my eyes. Paige had told me not to stress about it because she knew that it was Emily I really wanted, her voice conspiratorial at our 'secret', and I'd mentally kicked myself for getting myself tangled up in such a fucked up situation.

I had been on the verge of just blurting out the truth anyway, the consequences be damned, when a loud thump sounded on the door, quickly followed by an exclamation of pain. Paige and I had shared a confused look before she'd opened the door to reveal Aria sprawled on the living room floor.

Paige had helped Aria up and assisted her over to the table, apologizing for standing behind the door. I had frowned when I'd heard Paige call Aria Gummi bear and hadn't been able to resist questioning it, my unsettled emotions making me look at Paige with a stern expression that looked more like a demand than a question.

My harsher than needed look hadn't seemed to bother Paige as she had merely laughed and hugged Aria, telling me that it was because she was all squishy and yummy, which had set Aria off into a fit of giggles. Paige had then looked and me and mock whispered that it was really because Aria had nothing but jello between the ears, causing Aria to call her a liar and throw a table mat at her in mock indignation, her face alight with glee despite what must be a raging hangover battering her body.

Hanna had walked in just as the two of them had been bantering and Paige had asked Hanna why Aria was called Gummi bear, with Hanna replying immediately that it was because she looked like a toothless grizzly bear when she was younger. This had set all three of them off into peals of laughter at some inside joke I wasn't privy to, and I had frowned because I hadn't realized that Aria was so close to Paige.

Their combined noise had caused Emily to poke her head round the door to find out what all the commotion was about, her question directed at me as I was the only one that hadn't been incapacitated by a fit of the giggles.

I'd explained that I had no idea, that merely asking for the origin of Aria's nickname had set of a chain of events that had resulted in the three of them giggling like schoolgirls. Emily had grinned at me and explained that it was a game that had been going on for years between Aria and Hanna, but that she hadn't realized that Paige was in on it too. We had both been surprised when Aria had piped up that it was actually Paige that invented the game and had looked at Paige, which had set her off in another fit of laughter.

Paige had looked so carefree in that moment, her face alight with joy and merriment, with no trace of the darkness I knew was her constant companion that I had felt myself smiling at her, my heart squeezing with love at how beautiful she'd looked. My mind had told me that there was no chance with Paige, her words from a few minutes previous testament to that; but my heart hadn't wanted to listen to her, believing the only reason she didn't get involved was because she felt she was too broken to have anything to offer someone; and it had urged me to continue with the plan, the 'woo Paige until she can't say no when you ask her to be your girlfriend' plan.

From beside me Emily had suddenly announced that she had something to ask Hanna, her face showing how nervous she had been. Hanna had assumed Emily was asking to borrow her shoes and had gone onto a tangent about the rules she had laid down for her, referencing a prior occasion when Emily had not adhered to said rules. They had bantered back and forth for a bit, with Hanna making us all laugh when she had ribbed Emily for ending up in a pile of garbage while wearing a pair of borrowed heels.

Emily had eventually asked her question, and it had been a request to rent Hanna's spare room. Hanna, in typical Hanna style had not understood the meaning behind the request and had said didn't need to pay to stay, and that she was leaving the next day anyway.

I'd interrupted and explained that Emily meant something more permanent, having understood that she was actually asking to become Hanna's room mate straight away and received a nod from Emily in thanks. Emily had then continued and explained that her internship was actually based in New York, asking Hanna excitedly if she fancied a room mate.

I'd been expecting Hanna to start squealing with excitement at the prospect of sharing a place with her best friend, but instead she'd looked awkward and explained that she'd already asked Paige to be her room mate, and she'd agreed. The news had surprised me because I'd remembered Paige saying that the reason she'd not told Hanna about what she did was because she hadn't wanted to worry her, and I'd wondered at the reason for the turnaround but my brain had already started whirring as it began formulating a plausible reason to stay in New York too.

Hanna had tried to placate Emily's hurt feelings by telling her that she would probably enjoy living alone better but Emily had confessed that she couldn't afford to live alone, and as I'd listened to Aria fill Emily with the horrors and trials of trying to find a room mate I had suddenly had an idea.

Emily had slumped down at the table just as I'd finished working out the idea in my head, and I'd spoken up as she'd voiced the concern that she wouldn't pass the 'room mate test' Aria has been scaring her about.

'Maybe not'.

Emily had looked up at me and asked if I had a plan to save her, the hopeful look on her face making me smile because the look reminded me of what a good friend she'd been to me over the years, and I'd told her it all depended on if I passed her room mate test. Emily had thought I was offering to take the test for her and I'd had to explain that I was actually offering to be her room mate, if she'd have me.

Emily had been silent for a few seconds and I'd worried that she would say no, but Aria had filled the dead air by complaining that she was going to be the only one of us not living in New York. I'd sassed that Aria couldn't live in New York if she wanted to be a writer, but my focus had been on Emily and I'd bend down to look at her better as I'd tried once more. 'What do you say Emily? You think you could see yourself living with me? I promise to always have the coffee ready in the morning, and you can have first pick on movie nights'.

When the idea had first popped into my head I'd been hesitant because Emily was clearly still into Paige, but the more I'd thought about it the more it had made sense. I had thought I could use the fact that Paige believes I am into Emily as my reason to stay in New York, plus I could find out how to woo Paige under the guise of finding out how to woo women in general. I had also thought I could help Emily patch up her relationship with her girlfriend, or help her find another one, thus making Paige and I not so weird when it happened. Of course it had all been dependent on Emily saying yes, but thankfully she had been receptive to the idea and had agreed, enthusiastically. Emily had launched herself at me with no warning, but my Paige trained reflexes had been able to react in time and I'd been able to stop us both tumbling to the floor on our asses.

I had taken a look at Paige as Emily had been talking to Hanna and Aria excitedly, trying to see what her reaction had been to the news that I would been living with Emily because I'd known she would of assumed I wanted to share with Emily because my 'feelings' for her. Paige had given me a smile and looked happy at the news, which had caused my heart to thump nervously, hoping that the reason for the smile was that she was happy I was going to be sticking around.

We had all dispersed from the apartment shortly after to go our own ways for the day, but as promised, Paige and I had met up that night to patrol the city. I had thought it might be weird to have her order me around once our dynamic had changed, but Paige had treated me exactly the same as before I had found out who she was, and I had been perfectly fine with it. Paige always treated me as a partner, never talking down to me or trying to excuse her actions; she simply did what she needed to and didn't apologized for it. I also had to admit that seeing her so dominant was a huge turn on, and having her give me orders, ones that she expected to be obeyed without hesitation, was a new experience for me. Normally when someone tried to boss me around I would cut them down to size without a second thought because Spencer Hastings was the one that called the shots, but with Paige I'd found that I had naturally deferred to her judgment on all things vigilante.

I look down at Paige as she snuggles closer to me, her arm seeking out my waist in her sleep, and I marvel at her touch. For almost a month I have spent almost every night with this amazing woman, and it has been both the best and worst days of my life. Spending so much time with Paige has made me fall for her even harder, but I have also grown to know her as a friend again. Our patrols are not always fruitful, even the criminals in New York need to sleep some times, and we have spent many hours just chatting, reacquainting ourselves with each other and all that the other has been up to in the intervening years, and found ourselves sharing the painful parts of our past that we didn't trust with anyone else.

Paige had told me about the row with her parents in the hospital after she had been shot, her voice filled with regret as she spoke. I learned how her father had tried to belittle and shame her for what she did instead of telling her how brave she had been, and how she had stood up to him; verbally, physically and emotionally. Paige had been near tears as she has recounted the ultimatum she had laid down to her parents, and how her mum had finally found the courage to stand up to her father instead of meekly obeying his demands like she had always done in the past. I could tell that Paige missed her mum and felt guilty for not contacting her more, but I also understood the reasons why she didn't.

It was during one of our patrols that I had finally confessed to Paige that I blamed myself for what happened to her. We had been sitting on top of Barnes and Noble as it had been a slow night and Paige had asked me about Radley. I'd been completely honest about what drove me there, that it was more than just Toby's death, and I had finally admitted that I believed everything that had happened to her was because of me, because I had agreed to help her in her search for A. I had broken down in tears as I had spoken of the the guilt that had weighed me down for so many years, and I had apologized to Paige for all the harm I had caused her.

Paige had been shocked by my words but she had immediately wrapped her arms around me and held me as I'd cried, her lips pressed into my hair as she'd whispered over and over that I had nothing to apologize for, that I was not to blame for the actions of other person. I had cried for god knows how long, but Paige's arms around me had been rock solid the entire time, and her whispered words had made the guilt I'd carried for so long gradually disappear from my shoulders. Once my tears had finally died down Paige had started doing impressions to try and cheer me up, and they'd been so bad they had been hilarious, but she had managed to make laugh which I'd appreciated.

Since that night Paige and I have been so relaxed and free with each other that we have started flirting, which is great because it means that Paige trusts me, but it is also playing havoc with my heart. Our banter is always lighthearted and I try to make sure I don't reveal how I truly feel, but sometimes I can't help slipping a little every now and again. During our Game of Thrones marathon I hadn't been able to stop myself cuddling into her side as I'd rested my head on her shoulder, and the action on the screen had disappeared from my consciousness as soon as I'd registered the warmth under my cheek and the scent of Paige's shampoo invading my senses. I'd spent the rest of the evening fighting the urge to lift my head and slip onto her lap so that I could kiss her with every ounce of love I had for her, only the fact that Paige had seemed unaffected by my proximity as she'd kept her eyes glued to the activity onscreen had kept me from acting on my impulse, but the vision of straddling Paige and grinding against her had left me aroused and frustrated for a long time afterward.

Even worse was the fact that Emily had started dragging Paige and I out to random gay clubs, where Paige proceeded to dance like she was the reincarnation of Aphrodite herself. The way Paige moved to the music was almost indecent, the music seeming to flow through to her very core and meld with her soul, turning her body into the living embodiment of sexual desire. Each time we went out I would spend the whole night alternating between wanting to drag Paige into the nearest lockable room so I could rip her clothes off, and resisting the urge to tear every single appendage from the harem of women that danced with her.

The only thing that had stopped me from inflicting bodily harm on the many, many hoes that felt like they had the right to dance with MY girl was the fact that despite a lot of them being drop dead gorgeous, Paige seemed like she was totally disinterested in every single one of them and didn't respond to any of the flirting, no matter how hard they tried. I had been gobsmacked last night to find out the reason Paige hadn't responded was that she had been oblivious to the fact that they were flirting, and had just thought they were 'friendly'. I had found it funny to start with, but when Paige had been said with heartfelt feeling that she had never been someone others considered sexy or hot I had realized that she genuinely didn't see how truly beautiful she really is, and I hadn't been able to let her continue to think that way.

I hadn't wanted to make her uncomfortable, but dragging her into that bathroom had been the first thing I'd thought off to make her deal with how she viewed herself. Her words as she'd described herself had cut into my heart, the way she saw herself was so far removed from how I and the rest of the world see her that it would have been funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking.

I had exposed my soul to Paige when I'd revealed exactly how I saw her, confessing the things she did to me without ever being aware of it. I had known that it could potentially make our relationship awkward, but I hadn't been able sit back and let her remain thinking she was anything short of amazing, so put my heart on the line to try and convince her that she was stunning. I hadn't been able to resist turning her to face me as I'd described her lips, and had found myself running my thumb over them to emphasis my point. Paige had been trembling with emotion as she had listened to me describe her and she had looked at me with pure wonder in her eyes, her face registering that she knew I was telling the truth, and I'd seen desire mixed with need blossom in her eyes.

When Paige had put her hand over mine and said my name so brokenly, I had heard the plea in her voice, and I had responded without hesitation. I had stepped forward and kissed her, my gentle kiss deepening the instant I'd heard her whimper of need. I had poured everything into that kiss, knowing that if it was to be our last kiss, then I wanted to show Paige how I felt about her.

Things had quickly become heated, with Paige lifting me so my legs wrapped round her waist and carried me back to the bedroom, where we had proceeded to tear each others clothes off in our haste to feel each others skin against our own. I had spent the night worshiping Paige's body, returning the kindness she had shown me during our first time together, and had kissed, licked, sucked and savored her body from head to toe, and back again.

All my one night stands with girls who were a pale imitation of the goddess currently naked next to me had shown me that I could never have been happy with anyone other than the real deal, Paige McCullers IS my one true love, and I am going to prove to her that I'm the girl to show her that she deserves to be loved. I feel so happy and confident that I know I am grinning like a loon, but I don't mind because there is nothing and no one who can spoil that for me. That is, until I hear the key turn in the front door and Hanna's voice rings out in the silence. 'Paige? You home...?'

I freeze with fear as I hear footsteps approach, and I only have the presence of mind to make sure we're both covered by the sheet a second before Paige's bedroom door opens and Hanna's head appears, her face full of shock the moment she registers that Paige and I are sharing a bed, and we are both completely naked.